Chapter Five: No Greater Fool
"And still I dream he'll come to me
That we'll live the years together
But there are dreams that cannot be
And there are storms we cannot weather."
Of all the things I'm dealing with, one is harder than all the rest. Despite the fact that I know Vaughn is married and that he has said he does not regret his moving on, I still see him in my future. And when I say "my future" I'm not talking about the way I see Weiss or Dixon or Marshall, I'm speaking of a strictly white picket fence, 2.7 kids, and a dog kind of future.
I know, I know. How big of a fool can I be? Well, it's been said that there is no greater fool than a fool in love, and that is what I am. Nothing that has happened in the past two years can erase the fact that I love Vaughn. I disappeared, I apparently worked for a terrorist organization, Vaughn got married, but I still love him.
The Greek philosopher Hesiod said that "the fool learns by suffering." Now I'm inclined to believe that we all learn through our suffering, but perhaps that is the only way a fool can learn. I want to learn, I truly do. I despise feeling the hope beat in my heart when my head knows it is in vain. And so I purposely cause myself pain, in attempt to exorcise the dream.
How do I do this? I spend time with Lauren. I watch her with Vaughn. I force myself to understand that what they have is real. I watch him casually brush his arm against hers in that mindless way that only two people who are completely familiar with each other can do. I see the smile she saves only for him and the answering flash of love in his eyes. It's all there, in glorious Technicolor, and I'm gradually coming to accept what it means.
With a wisdom I didn't know I had, I understand that it's the little things that say the most. He might not write flowery poetry dedicated to the twin orbs of her eyes, but he silently, subconsciously offers her a sip of her coffee. He does this because it's their pattern. She likes coffee but doesn't get her own cup because she likes to steal some from him. Knowing this, he gets a larger cup than he could drink on his own so that there's enough for her to share. It's sweet, it's intimate. it's love.
The screaming of my heart against this knowledge is fading to a dull roar, so I suppose I am gradually accepting the truth. No matter what dreams may linger in my heart, my time with Vaughn is over.
"The dupe of friendship and the fool of love; have I not reason to hate and despise myself?" William Hazlitt
Chapter 6: All Good Things.
I find it amazing that given my past, I still expected life to be fair. Perhaps it's not so much that I thought it was fair as that I felt it was time for my luck to turn. After all, fortune may be fickle, but it has to smile on me eventually, right?
Wrong. No matter how you phrase it-bad karma, being born under an unlucky star, punishment for all the mirrors I've broken-it's clear that happiness will never come my way.
I've had dreams stolen from me before, but I was always left with the strength to dream again. Now I find that even that is gone. In place of the righteous anger that once railed against lost joy there is only an empty heart.
Listlessly and with uncharacteristic fatalism, I accept my destiny. Love and happiness were never meant to be mine. I've tempted fate twice and twice been put in my place. This time, I know better. This time I've decided that dreams may die.
"I had a dream my life would be
So much different from this hell I'm living
So different now from what it seemed; Now life has killed
The dream I dreamed."
A/N: That's it. Ok, hold on to your rotten fruit. I said at the beginning that this was an angsty piece, I've said no happy ending. There is a sequel to this piece already written called "Only In My Dreams." It's from Vaughn's POV and is equally angsty. Then, due to popular demand and peer pressure, I'm planning to write a conclusion with a happy ending. ~sigh~ The things people demand! :P
"And still I dream he'll come to me
That we'll live the years together
But there are dreams that cannot be
And there are storms we cannot weather."
Of all the things I'm dealing with, one is harder than all the rest. Despite the fact that I know Vaughn is married and that he has said he does not regret his moving on, I still see him in my future. And when I say "my future" I'm not talking about the way I see Weiss or Dixon or Marshall, I'm speaking of a strictly white picket fence, 2.7 kids, and a dog kind of future.
I know, I know. How big of a fool can I be? Well, it's been said that there is no greater fool than a fool in love, and that is what I am. Nothing that has happened in the past two years can erase the fact that I love Vaughn. I disappeared, I apparently worked for a terrorist organization, Vaughn got married, but I still love him.
The Greek philosopher Hesiod said that "the fool learns by suffering." Now I'm inclined to believe that we all learn through our suffering, but perhaps that is the only way a fool can learn. I want to learn, I truly do. I despise feeling the hope beat in my heart when my head knows it is in vain. And so I purposely cause myself pain, in attempt to exorcise the dream.
How do I do this? I spend time with Lauren. I watch her with Vaughn. I force myself to understand that what they have is real. I watch him casually brush his arm against hers in that mindless way that only two people who are completely familiar with each other can do. I see the smile she saves only for him and the answering flash of love in his eyes. It's all there, in glorious Technicolor, and I'm gradually coming to accept what it means.
With a wisdom I didn't know I had, I understand that it's the little things that say the most. He might not write flowery poetry dedicated to the twin orbs of her eyes, but he silently, subconsciously offers her a sip of her coffee. He does this because it's their pattern. She likes coffee but doesn't get her own cup because she likes to steal some from him. Knowing this, he gets a larger cup than he could drink on his own so that there's enough for her to share. It's sweet, it's intimate. it's love.
The screaming of my heart against this knowledge is fading to a dull roar, so I suppose I am gradually accepting the truth. No matter what dreams may linger in my heart, my time with Vaughn is over.
"The dupe of friendship and the fool of love; have I not reason to hate and despise myself?" William Hazlitt
Chapter 6: All Good Things.
I find it amazing that given my past, I still expected life to be fair. Perhaps it's not so much that I thought it was fair as that I felt it was time for my luck to turn. After all, fortune may be fickle, but it has to smile on me eventually, right?
Wrong. No matter how you phrase it-bad karma, being born under an unlucky star, punishment for all the mirrors I've broken-it's clear that happiness will never come my way.
I've had dreams stolen from me before, but I was always left with the strength to dream again. Now I find that even that is gone. In place of the righteous anger that once railed against lost joy there is only an empty heart.
Listlessly and with uncharacteristic fatalism, I accept my destiny. Love and happiness were never meant to be mine. I've tempted fate twice and twice been put in my place. This time, I know better. This time I've decided that dreams may die.
"I had a dream my life would be
So much different from this hell I'm living
So different now from what it seemed; Now life has killed
The dream I dreamed."
A/N: That's it. Ok, hold on to your rotten fruit. I said at the beginning that this was an angsty piece, I've said no happy ending. There is a sequel to this piece already written called "Only In My Dreams." It's from Vaughn's POV and is equally angsty. Then, due to popular demand and peer pressure, I'm planning to write a conclusion with a happy ending. ~sigh~ The things people demand! :P