I don't own any X-Men Evolution characters. Hey! Look! A disclaimer Pyro hasn't burned down! Well this fic takes place just as our favorite firebug moves in with the Brotherhood. And what better way to celebrate than with a barbecue?
Consider Yourself At Home
"Well we're all moved in," Todd announced as he hopped downstairs. "Finally!"
"You wouldn't believe all the junk that guy has," Fred told them.
"Hey what can I say?" Pyro came down. "I'm a guy that knows the value of things."
"Like fire insurance for example?" Pietro asked.
Pyro sniffed. "Despite what my name tells you, there is a lot more to me than simply burning down everything in sight. I have a very complex personality!"
"What about all your other ones?" Pietro asked.
"So what do you collect?" Lance decided to ask before Pyro had a hissy fit and burned the house down.
"Well he's got a magazine collection like you wouldn't believe!" Fred remarked. "However some of the articles are very interesting."
"You would find those magazines interesting," Wanda huffed. "I can't believe you read that garbage!"
"Well I do admit I like looking at the pictures," Pyro said. "And they are very tasteful!"
"Drooling over the pictures you mean," Wanda said.
"Well you gotta admit that Death by Chocolate recipe is to die for!" Pyro said.
"Death by Chocolate?" Lance asked.
"Yeah I collect Martha Stewart magazines," Pyro told him.
"What did you think we were talking about?" Fred asked.
"I know what you dirty mind you!" Pyro laughed. "Naughty boy!" Lance grumbled something and sank lower into his seat.
"You like Martha Stewart?" Todd asked.
"Oh yes," Pyro said. "I'm a big fan. I love how she can take the most useless thing and turn it into something wonderful!"
"Really?" Wanda asked. "Maybe we should send her Toad?"
"I have to admit it would be a challenge," Pietro remarked. "Even for her."
"Oh pay no attention to her," Todd hopped over and hugged her. "I know my Cuddlebumps likes to tease me! But that's how she shows her love!"
"GET OFF ME OR DIE!" Wanda screamed throwing him into the wall.
Todd left an imprint in the wall. "She's such a tease…" Todd said half dreamily and half in agony as he slid down the wall into unconsciousness.
"Any-who," Pietro didn't miss a beat. "What else do you collect?"
"Uh is he okay?" Pyro indicated Todd.
"Oh he's fine," Pietro waved. "Happens all the time. He'll bounce back in a minute. So tell us more about yourself."
"Well I'm from Australia," Pyro went on. "I love to travel. I also have a very extensive collection of lighters from all around the world. Oh and matches from everywhere. Every time I go into a hotel or a house I've never been in I always take matches as a souvenir. Or if I can't find any matches I take something else."
"Sounds normal to me," Todd shrugged as he sat up.
"Oh and I love to write," Pyro explained. He took out a small book. "Sometimes I write poems or short stories. Here's a novel I'm working on. What do you think?"
Lance looked at the pages. "Lavinia hungered for his blood like no vampire seductress had ever hungered before," He read aloud. "Even though she knew that Dr. Hammond had a stake behind his back she could not resist his masculine charms. Just as he could not resist hers as she…."
"What?" Todd asked. "What?"
"Holy…" Lance's jaw dropped as he read silently. "She's….and he's…Whoa! I did not see that coming!"
"What?" Todd hopped over and grabbed it with his tongue. "What the heck is …OH MAN! THAT IS SO HOT!" He read it. Pietro grabbed it. "HEY!"
"This is not appropriate for little toads to read," Pietro said. He looked at it. "Hommina…." His jaw dropped.
"I don't think that this stuff is appropriate for Wolverine to read," Fred took the manuscript and looked at it. "So you're really into gothic romances huh?"
"Love 'em!" Pyro nodded. "I'm also a big Muffy the Demon Slayer fan!"
"What a surprise," Lance drawled.
"I also like to cook! Tell you what, I'm gonna go cook dinner!" Pyro announced.
"Let me guess," Lance raised an eyebrow. "Barbecue right?"
"Is there any other way?" Pyro grinned as he went into the kitchen.
"A pyrokinetic that's also a kleptomaniac who writes torrid gothic romance novels," Fred shook his head. "Now I have seen it all."
"Oh this is gonna be a barrel of laughs," Pietro groaned. "Having that maniac in the house! He's even nuttier than Boom Boom! And I don't need to tell you what an accomplishment that is!"
"Look at the bright side of things," Todd remarked. "If our heat gets shut off this winter we won't be cold."
"And we'll have plenty of interesting reading material," Fred looked at the manuscript again. "I didn't know a crucifix could be used as a weapon like that!"
There was the sound of something exploding and maniacal laughter outside. "He's made another huge fire pit hasn't he?" Wanda sighed.
"Yup a big ol' bonfire in the middle of the back yard," Lance nodded as he looked out the window. "Looks like property values are going down again around here."
"Well in a situation like this there's only one thing to do," Pietro grabbed the cell phone. "Spread the pain around." He dialed. "Hey Blue Boy! How would you X-Fellows like to come to a party this afternoon?"
************************************************************************
"I can't believe we are actually invited to a housewarming party for a Brotherhood member," Kurt remarked as the X-Men traveled down the road towards the brotherhood house.
"I can't believe we're actually going!" Scott groaned. He was driving his car with Kurt, Jean, Kitty, Tabitha, and Bobby. "This has disaster written all over it! We should have done what Rogue and the others did and stayed home!"
"Now Scott remember," Jean said. "We're trying to build bridges with the Brotherhood. Remember what the Professor said?"
"Yeah, yeah I know," Scott sighed. "And that's the only reason I'm going along with this charade! That and to keep an eye on Alvers!"
"Are we going to go through this again?" Kitty snapped at him. "Scott when are you going to learn to trust me?"
"You I trust! Him I don't!" Scott snapped.
"Oh for crying out loud Scooter!" Tabitha groaned. "Everybody knows who wears the pants in their relationship so give it a rest! Personally I'm looking forward to this. I haven't been in the house since Mystique kicked me out. I wonder what they've done with the place?"
"Well it's still standing," Kitty remarked as they pulled in. They heard music blaring from the back. "For how long I have no idea."
"Hey welcome to the party," Lance appeared at the door.
"Hi Lance!" Kitty bounded over and kissed him on the cheek. "Thanks for inviting us!"
"Hey its good to see you," Lance grinned. Then he looked at Scott. "Well some of you anyway. Summers."
"Alvers," Scott glared at him.
"Well now that we know we're all here," Pietro sped up. "Come on in!" The X-Men entered. "Where's Rogue?"
"She stayed home," Bobby told them.
"What? Roguey thinks she's too good to go slumming with us?" Todd asked.
"Watch it," Tabitha glared at Todd.
"I'm just saying it would have been nice to have all the Brotherhood Babes here," Todd said. "I mean we accepted you so that proves we're not picky."
"Why you little…" Tabitha looked like she was going to blow him into oblivion.
"Tabitha, chill!" Bobby remarked.
"Yeah we're all supposed to be nice to each other," Kitty said. She glared at Todd. "Remember?"
"All I said was…" Todd began.
"Uh let's all go out back and join the others," Lance grabbed Todd and dragged him outside.
"Well the house does look a little better since…" Tabitha began to speak. Then they saw the backyard. "HOLY CRAP!"
"G'day mates!" Pyro waved as he tended a huge blaze. "How about some shrimp on the Barbie? Or hamburgers, hot dogs, swordfish, sharks…"
"Sharks?" Kitty blinked as she saw the giant fish being cooked on skewers. "Lance please tell me, by any chance did this stuff not come from the aquarium?"
"Well…" Lance fidgeted nervously. "There's always a chance."
"Oh look," Scott said facetiously "Illegal seafood. Just what every party needs."
"Hey at least it's fresh," Todd shrugged. "And the fact that we're gonna eat all the evidence…"
"I think we'll stick with the burgers if you don't mind," Scott waved him off. "Unless they're somebody's cow you chopped up."
"Relax Shades we bought most of our meat from the store," Pietro told him.
"Most of it?" Jean asked.
"Well let's just say that we found some of the stuff on the road leave it at that," Wanda sighed. "Kitty we did get you some soy hot dogs and veggie burgers as well."
"And I made a salad, and potatoes and all kinds of other stuff," Fred pointed to the table. "Dig in everybody!"
"Never thought I'd be breaking bread with the Brotherhood," Bobby said as he sat down.
"Hey a meal's a meal," Tabitha shrugged. "So Wanda how are things at Moron Manor since Mystique kicked me out for you?"
"Pretty much the same as when you lived here," Wanda told her. "Only there are fewer holes in the walls."
"Better that than a hole in my brain," Tabitha muttered.
"What is that crack supposed to mean?" Wanda asked.
"Well coming from a mental case like…" Tabitha began before Pietro grabbed Tabitha and whisked her off into the house. "HEY!"
"Tabby what are you trying to do? Start World War Three?" Pietro hissed. "She has no clue what happened to her! Remember?"
"So you're still keeping her in the dark about what Daddy Dearest did to you," Tabitha folded her arms.
"Hey, you know how strong she is!" Pietro said. "Get her mad enough and she can trash all of us from here to LA! Just keep your mouth shut and everybody will be happy. Got it?"
"Fine," Tabitha shrugged. "Of course my memory isn't that good either. If you really want me to keep my mouth shut you might want to get me something to remember this by."
"How much?" Pietro sighed as he folded his arms.
"Let's just say you owe me a shopping trip and leave it at that," Tabitha grinned as she traced her finger on his chin. "Now let's join the others shall we?" She sauntered off back to the table outside.
"Every time I think I've gotten out, she pulls me back in!" Pietro groaned as he walked back to the table.
Surprisingly the X-Men and Brotherhood were not killing each other but actually eating and having a good meal. "You know this hamburger casserole is really good," Bobby spooned his second helping onto his plate.
"Yeah Fred I didn't know you were such a good cook," Jean ate the casserole as well. "Scott you gotta try this."
"Hmm," Scott tentatively took a bite. "Not bad."
"Hmmm," Kurt licked his lips as he finished a forkful. "Just the right amount of cheese and meat and puff pastry! I give it two thumbs and a tail up!" He raised both his thumbs and tail in appreciation.
"The meat is really tasty," Bobby said. "Kitty you don't know what you're missing!"
"I'm happy with my veggie burger thank you very much," Kitty told him between bites.
"Well this is good," Tabitha chomped down. "Freddy this is your best Squirrel Surprise Casserole yet!"
Every X-Man except Tabitha stopped eating. "Did you say…" Bobby blinked.
"Squirrel?" Kurt looked at the Brotherhood. "Ha, Ha…Funny Joke. No seriously, why do you call it a squirrel surprise?"
"Because when you accidentally hit one of those little suckers you get a surprise meal," Fred told him.
"Oh Mein Gott…" Kurt moaned.
"Calm down Fuzzy," Todd waved. "It's not like we're eating one of your relatives or something."
"Bet that illegal seafood is looking pretty good right now huh Summers?" Lance grinned as he ate his swordfish.
"THIS IS A SQUIRREL?" Jean gasped. "I ACTUALLY ATE A SQUIRREL?"
"Wanda did say we picked some stuff off the road," Fred told her. "It was a fresh kill. Pyro accidentally thwacked it when he borrowed Lance's jeep when we went to get the fish."
"Oh gross…" Bobby groaned. "I think I'm gonna be sick."
"This is why I'm glad I'm a vegetarian," Kitty smirked.
"Uh Kitty…" Todd said. "Maybe we should have told you. We couldn't actually find any veggie burgers in the store. And Pyro did hit a few furry things on the way home so…Well waste not, want not."
"What?" Kitty gasped. "Oh god no! I ate a squirrel too?"
"Actually I think that one was made out of something that looked like a woodchuck," Pyro remarked. "At least I think it was a woodchuck. It had a real flat tail. Of course it was pretty flat to begin with after I kinda went off the road a bit…"
"Now I know I'm gonna be sick!" Bobby got up. "I tasted one of those veggie burgers too!" He ran off into the bushes.
"You morons!" Lance shouted. "Kitty I am so sorry! I swear they told me it was a veggie burger! I didn't know!"
"Yeah right!" Scott snapped. "How could you guys do this?"
"Surprisingly easy actually," Fred told him. "The meat comes right off after you cook it and…"
"Oh god I'm going to join Bobby!" Scott held his stomach and got up.
"Well what do you people think we lived on when we didn't have any cash to buy groceries?" Todd snapped. "Pietro couldn't always steal stuff for us ya know?"
"You're still eating this?" Kurt gasped at Tabitha.
"Hey think of it as a delicacy," Tabitha waved. "I mean people eat squid and snails…"
"I eat bugs," Todd said.
"And if you think about a squirrel being nothing more than a rat with a fluffy tail…" Tabitha went on.
"Kurt do you know where the bathroom is in this house?" Jean groaned.
"I'll port you up there!" Kurt grabbed her and they went.
"You're not grossed out by this?" Kitty yelled at Wanda.
"Strangely no," Wanda gave her a confused look. "For some reason I have a feeling I've eaten worse."
"Oh look the fire's going out," Pyro waved. "I'll go get some more kindling! Be back in a flash!" Pyro went off.
"Kitty I swear I am so sorry!" Lance apologized. "Do you want some water?"
"What I want is my stomach pumped!" Kitty whined.
"Are you gonna finish that?" Todd asked and pointed to her burger.
"Help yourself Toad!" Kitty groaned. She winced as Todd shot out his tongue and gulped it down. "Oh I think I'm going to be sick now!"
"I knew this was a mistake!" Scott staggered back with Bobby. To his horror he saw Pyro carrying something and throw it on the fire. "MY CAR SEATS!"
"You would think that leather wouldn't be good kindling but with all the stuff they put on it nowadays…" Pyro remarked.
"YOU MANIAC! YOU BURNED MY CAR SEATS!" Scott screamed. "YOU'RE GONNA PAY FOR THAT!"
"Something tells me the peace treaty's off," Todd remarked casually.
"It lasted a week," Fred shrugged as they watched the other X-Men try to hold back Scott from tearing Pyro apart. "That's a record for us."
"What's going on?" Jean asked as she and Kurt reappeared.
"We're leaving that's what's going on!" Kitty snapped as they held on to a struggling Scott. "Lance I'd love to say this was fun, but it wasn't!"
"But we have Bunny Cake for dessert!" Fred held up a cake in the shape of a rabbit. The X-Men screamed and left. "Oh come on, you know its not really made of rabbit!"
"Some people are so picky," Pyro huffed as he put a fork in his casserole and bit into it. "You know you can really taste the squirrel."
"I gotta admit," Lance grinned. "At first I was sure I wasn't gonna like you. But anybody who does what you did to Summers is okay by me."
"Well this looks like this is the beginning of a beautiful friendship mate," Pyro grinned.
"Not to mention a new beginning of the status quo around here," Todd remarked.