General Nuisance

"Okay I can do this," General Hawk told himself. "I mean I've been in combat for nearly my entire adult life. I've fought Cobras, mercenaries, and mutated creatures beyond count. How hard could it be to look after one mutant teenager for one afternoon?"

He opened the door to his office. There stood Quicksilver at attention, but he was not dressed in his regular costume. Instead he was dressed like General Patton. "Good morning General Hawk Sir!" He saluted enthusiastically.

"Oh lord give me strength…" Hawk moaned. "Quicksilver!"

"General Quicksilver reporting for duty sir!" Quicksilver saluted again.

"The only general you are is a general pain in the ass," Hawk groaned. "What are you doing dressed up like that?"

"Hey since I'm going to be a general for the day I might as well look the part! Don't you think this is slimming on me?" He turned around and modeled.

"Quicksilver you are not, repeat, not a general for the day! Now change back into your regular uniform before I court martial you!"

Quicksilver pouted then left the room. Ten seconds later her returned wearing his trademark blue and silver outfit. "You know I had to go all the way home for this."

"Like I care," Hawk said. "Okay let's lay down some ground rules. Rule number one is that you will treat me and this office with respect! Got it?"

"Of course."

"Then for god's sake please remove the pictures of dogs playing poker from the walls!" Hawk shouted. True to form there were several pictures of dogs hanging from the walls.

"Hey the room needed something. Besides it goes with the new paint job."

"Paint job? You repainted my office? It looks the same."

"No before your office was a Dusky Gray. I changed it to Military Gray. Makes a much bolder statement don't you think? Initially I was going to go for Elephant Gray but then I thought you weren't really into a safari mode so then I went for a Sandy Gray but there wasn't enough paint. Well I knew I definitely didn't want to go for the Stone Gray. Bleach! No style at all. And then it hit me, Military Gray! How perfect is that?"

"Quicksilver now I want you to answer me this question honestly…" Hawk sighed. "Just how many cups of BA's coffee did you drink this morning?"

"I only had one or two…"

"That's not so bad…" Hawk grumbled to himself, not really believing it.

"Dozen…"

"Oh god no!" Hawk moaned. "I'm doomed!"

"Oh come on now General this will be fun!" Quicksilver chirped.

"You want fun? Okay how about helping me with these requisition forms? That ought to be enough fun for you," He looked at his desk. "Where are they? I had a huge stack of them right here."

"Oh I've already taken care of those forms," Quicksilver waved his hand. "Just filled them all out and sent them on their merry way!"

"All four hundred and eighty seven of them?" Hawk's jaw dropped.

"Four hundred and ninety nine," Pietro remarked. "I kind of added a few things we might need on the base."

"Like what?" Hawk dreaded the answer.

"It's a surprise," Quicksilver grinned.

"Oh no…" Hawk was getting a very bad feeling about this. "No surprises! I hate surprises! Tell me right now what you ordered Quicksilver or so help me…!"

"Okay," Quicksilver whipped out some puppets. "This is a perfect time for me to show you my new presentation."

"NO PUPPETS!" Hawk shouted. "NO PUPPETS!"

"These are not puppets," Quicksilver sniffed. "These are three dimensional fabric models used for display and strategic presentation."

"Quicksilver these are my socks that used to be used to cover my feet!" Hawk told him. "I recognize the fabric. So that's what happened to my new brown pair!"

"I'm conserving resources," Quicksilver told him.

"Quicksilver," Hawk took one of the puppets from him. "Stealing my socks and using them to make puppets isn't exactly what I had in mind for you rehabilitation."

"Actually that one was made out of Shipwreck's underwear," Quicksilver corrected him.

"Now I need a shower…" Hawk threw it away.

"It was a clean pair. Give me some credit!" Quicksilver said. "I'm not Toad you know!"

"I miss Toad…" Hawk sighed. "He was kind of fun to have around in the office. A little messy but at least he knew when to shut up…sometimes."

"You know you seem a little down, is there something on your mind?" Quicksilver grabbed a pen and a pencil. "You seem so tense. What's bothering you?"

"You actually have to ask me that question?"

"Maybe you're having problems with your love life. When was the last time you were on a date anyway?"

"THAT IS NONE OF YOUR BUISNESS!" Hawk roared.

"That long huh?" Quicksilver looked at him. "I knew it. I could set a date up for you if you'd like. Give you some pointers."

"NO! NO! NO!" Hawk shouted. "We are not going to talk about that anymore! We're not gonna talk about anything anymore! This experiment is over! I'm the general around here and I am pulling rank! Somebody else on this base has got to take you because I can't!"

"You're not abandoning me like my father did are you?" Quicksilver put on a hurt look.

"Oh now wait a minute…" Hawk stopped.

"I want to discuss things with you!" Quicksilver gave him a hurt puppy dog look. "I'm just a poor misunderstood abused child! My insane father did experiments on my twin sister and me and forced us to fight for him in order to take over the world! I need a positive male role model to talk to me! I wanna bond!" He grabbed Hawk in a bear hug.

"Of all the times for me to be out of duct tape…" Hawk rolled his eyes. "All right! All right! We'll try this again! But I don't want you to be fooling around this time! Got it?"

"Got it!" Quicksilver grinned. He then rushed out of the room and came back with a pot of coffee and some cups. "How about we bond over a cup of Joe?"

"Lord give me strength…" Hawk sank down to his chair at his desk and hid his face in his hands. "What was I thinking? And what are you thinking? Aren't you wired enough yet?"

"I want to know things about you," Quicksilver beamed. "How did you get to be a general? Did you see a lot of fighting in your career? How many medals do you have? What are you political views on Spongebob Squarepants?"

"Who the hell is Spongebob Squarepants?" Hawk looked at him.

"You don't know? He's great! He's so funny! He's this generation's Daffy Duck, Droopy the dog and Woody Woodpecker all rolled into one big square yellow blob of fun! Hey his show starts in five minutes! Let's go watch it! I can teach you the theme song while we wait! Oh who lives in a pineapple under the sea…"

"NO!" Hawk snapped. "Absolutely not! We are in the army soldier! We do not have time to watch silly cartoons like three-year-olds! I am trying to teach you how to be mature and responsible and watching cartoons all day is definitely not responsible or mature! So forget about it!"

"Well we could always fill out these reports," Quicksilver yanked out a huge stack that nearly reached the ceiling. "If found them stacked in your closet. You really should look at some of them. Some are dated 1989! I think you're a bit behind. I can help you…"

"Fine we'll watch the cartoons," Hawk allowed himself to be dragged down the hallway. "Anything to get out of more paperwork and to shut you up!"

"Oh great!" Quicksilver dragged him along as he ran at top speed, effectively knocking people out of the way as he ran. "I have got to teach you the theme song!"

"And I have got to see about giving your caregivers a raise or something…" Hawk muttered.

Next: Duke and Avalanche find that they have similar problems. But what did Quicksilver order? Keep those ideas coming!