It Takes a Real Man to Change a Diaper

"Come on Mercer you gotta do it man," Red Dog said.

"ME? How come I gotta do it?" Mercer snapped. "You do it!"

"I'm not gonna do it!" Red Dog told him.

"Well I am certainly not going to do it," Tauros said defiantly.

"Well I'm not gonna do it," Mercer told him.

"WILL ONE OF YOU PANSIES DO IT!?" Sgt. Slaughter shouted.

"Let him do it!" Each Renegade pointed at the others.

"Oh for crying out loud!" Sgt. Slaughter groaned. "I'll do it you big babies!"

"Fine you do it," Mercer backed off.

"Just be careful will ya?" Tauros gulped. "It could go off at any minute!"

"Tauros it's a baby, not a bomb!" Sgt. Slaughter told him. Claudius was looking up at him from the table. He was lying on his back with his little flippers waving happily.

"Well it smells like something that should be banned by the Geneva Convention," Red Dog held his nose.

"Look it's just a diaper change," Sgt. Slaughter told him as he started. "It's not exactly…HOLY CRAP!"

"Yeah that about sums it up," Mercer gulped.

"I think I need to lie down…" Red Dog wavered.

"The last time I saw a mess even close to that was when one of the elephants in the circus got sick," Tauros winced.

"Okay," Sgt. Slaughter gulped nervously. "Obviously this is going to be a little tougher than I thought. Just take a deep breath…"

"How can you?" Mercer asked.

The Sarge finished changing. "Good that wasn't too bad. Where's the other one?"

"Around here somewhere," Red Dog looked around.

"YOU LOST THE OTHER BABY?" Sgt. Slaughter yelled. This caused Claudius to cry very loudly. "Oh man…"

"Way to go Sarge," Red Dog said sarcastically.

"Spread out!" Sgt. Slaughter ordered. "He's gotta be around here somewhere! Here you take him!" He handed him to Tauros.

"Why me?" Tauros whined.

"Just play with him or something!" Sarge said as the others started to search for the baby. "Quiet him down!"

"How?" Tauros asked.

"How the hell should I know?" Sarge snapped. "Just do it!"

"How can I just do it when I don't even know what it is?" Tauros snapped back.

"Sing him a song or something," Red Dog suggested.

"Like what?" Tauros yelled over the screaming baby.

"I don't know!" Red Dog yelled back, exasperated. "Anything!"

"Uh…Okay," Tauros looked at Claudius as they left. "Something…Something…I have it!" He cleared his throat and started to sing. "Na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na na! My blood runs cold! My memory has just been sold! My angel is a centerfold! Angel is a centerfold!"

"Gah?" Claudius stopped crying.

Meanwhile Mercer was searching the officer's rec. room. "How could somebody who can't even walk be so fast?" He grumbled. Then he saw something scoot by. "Ah ha!" He picked up and grabbed a tiny little mutant that resembled a bird more than a boy. "Gotcha!"

Unfortunately he forgot the baby mutant was carrying a whiffle bat at the time. "OW!" Mercer shouted as Barney bonked him repeatedly. "Why you little…" He grabbed the whiffle bat from Barney who immediately started crying.

"Mercer!" Sgt. Slaughter stormed up to him. "What are you doing to that kid?"

"I'm not doing anything!" Mercer snapped.

"Well it doesn't look that way to me!" Sgt. Slaughter grabbed the bat from him. "Gimme that bat!"

"But Sarge…"

"You want me to put this someplace?" Sgt. Slaughter waved it at Mercer. He handed it back to Barney. "Here ya go little fella."

"But…" Mercer tried to explain.

"Anything to keep him from crying!" The Sarge snapped. "Come on!" He only heard Barney's squeals of joy. What he didn't see was Barney bonking Mercer.

"Found him?" Red Dog looked at them.

"Yeah," Sgt. Slaughter nodded. "Okay Tauros we…" His jaw dropped.

Tauros was dancing around with Claudius singing. "Slipped me notes under the desk, while I was thinking about her dress! I was shy. I turned away before she caught my eye! I was shaking in my shoes whenever she flashed those baby blues! Something had a hold on me when Angel passed on by. Those soft and fuzzy sweaters, too magical to touch! To see her in that negligée was really…"

"WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?" Sgt. Slaughter shouted in horror.

"I am singing him a song like you told me," Tauros said matter of factly.

"NOT THAT KIND OF SONG YOU MORON!" Sgt. Slaughter shouted.

"I think the Sarge meant a more family oriented type song," Mercer groaned.

"You mean something by Ozzy Osborne?" Tauros asked.

"Give me that kid before you warp his mind even more!" The Sarge took him from Tauros.

"Sarge that's Shipwreck's kid," Red Dog snickered. "Odds are the damage is already done."

"Do I have to do everything around here?" Sgt. Slaughter groaned.

"Well since you insist!" Mercer handed him Barney.

"Okay we will go now!" Tauros said cheerfully.

"They're all yours!" Red Dog nodded as they ran out the door.

"GET BACK HERE!" Sgt. Slaughter shouted. "THAT'S AN ORDER! DO YOU HEAR ME?" Of course with an order as important as that, they promptly ignored him.

"Oh great!" Sarge groaned. "Now what am I gonna do? Hey no fighting you two!" The babies were now squalling with each other. "OW! Watch it with that bat Beaky! Okay…I just gotta think of something to calm you down." He put them down on the couch.

Immediately the babies took off. "Or at the very least keep you guys from wrecking the place…" He moaned. "Hey! Don't break that!"

About half an hour later the Renegades headed back in the general direction of the Sarge. "Maybe we should not have abandoned the Sarge like that?" Tauros asked.

"You're right," Red Dog sighed. "I mean he's stuck with us through tougher stuff than this. We shouldn't have ran out on him like that."

"Yeah I mean are we men or what?" Mercer puffed up. "We're not some cowardly wimps who go crawl into a hole and hide when the going gets rough." He looked in the door.

All the Renegade's jaws dropped as they saw the mess inside the Officer's rec. room. But the biggest shock of all was the Sarge himself wearing pink bunny ears, dancing around singing in a high voice to the delight of the babies. "Down in the meadow in an itty bitty pool swam three little fishes and a mama fishy too! Swim said the mama fist, swim if you can and they swam and they swam right over the dam! Boop boop, biddle baddy wadda shoo!"

All the Renegades did an about face. "Okay all those in favor of hiding at the bar like little sissy cowards say aye!" Mercer gulped as they ran off.

"AYE!" They all shouted.

"Maybe if it is too early to get into the bars I know this lovely teashop," Tauros said.

"Anyplace is better than here!" Red Dog shouted.

Next: What's going on with Lifeline and the Triplets? Besides wheelchair races and Beach Head torture?

Oh and Rift 120 I did want to put Zartan in the fic but well…

(Zartan is hopping along in a straightjacket.)

Zartan: YOU'LL NEVER TAKE ME ALIVE! HAHAHAHAHA! FREE! FREE! NO MORE RED WITCH! NO MORE RED WITCH! I CAN'T TAKE HER ANYMORE!

Let's just say he's kind of unavailable at the moment.