Believing

Author's note: This is my first ER fanfic and it's an AU Carby. It's set in the future and this chapter is told in Abby's point of view. *Flashbacks will be written in italics* I hope you enjoy it and that you review!!!

Disclaimer: I don't know anything you recognize from ER, though I really wish I owned John Carter, or at least be able to borrow him for a while :)

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I was a complete fool. To think that I was finally allowed to be happy, that I'd suffered enough. I should have known better... I should have known that was never going to happen to me because if there is a God, He doesn't like me at all.

Take a look at my past, it'll prove my point. I had an horrible childhood with a bipolar mother who wouldn't take her meds. Then I got married to a guy who didn't love me and who I didn't love back either. I had an abortion, became an alcoholic, got a divorce all of it in less than a year. At this point I think I was more miserable than I have ever been in my entire life. I'd hit rock bottom and the only thing left for me was get my life back together and try to get over this. It wasn't easy. I started again hoping that this time it would be different, that it'd be better.

That's when I met John Carter. I knew he was special from the first time I saw him. His eyes, his smile, his voice, they all made sent chills down my back and it scared me like you wouldn't imagine.

I didn't allow myself to become too close to him at first. I didn't want to get hurt again. But that was impossible, after some time his love broke the barriers I had built around myself and a beautiful realtionship started. It was just perfect. He was so caring, so great. He helped me get over my bitterness and my pessimism. He helped me become a better person. He didn't turn away when my past came back to haunt and I just nedeed to cry. He didn't turn away when I found it the hardest to fight with my addiction. He protected me and for the first time in my life I felt completely safe, completely happy.

And I was naive enough to think it would last forever.

And for some time it did, we dated for one great year and then got married in a beautiful ceremony I will never forget.

We bought a nice little house in the suburbs and we decided to start our own family. I remember that day perfectly. I was at our apartment waiting for John to come hom from work....

"Abby?" he whispered as he entered our apartment quielty, "are you awake?"

"No, I'm not" I whispered back sleepily from the couch, my eyes closed.

"I've got some news", he continued, ignoring my lame joke and approching the couch. He then kissed me soflty, first on my forehead and then on the lips.

"Really?" I asked pulling him into the couch next to me.

"Yes", he said, "I didn't go to work today"

"You didn't?" I asked him sitting up a bit. "Then where were you?"

"Remember the house we saw the other day? The one you loved?"

"Yeah, I do...the one we really can't afford" I sighed. What was he getting at?

"I bought it" he smiled and started stroking my hair.

"You what?" I asked, surprised.

"I'll be working a bit more at the hospital for a while."

"John.." I started but he interrupted me.

"It's worth it. It's the house we both want to start a family in. It's got three rooms, and a big enough yard for our children to play in..."

"Children, huh?" I said, unable to stop smiling at him. "I love you so much"

"I love you too, sweetie" he said and then he kissed me....and sparks flew.

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Soon after that our first child was born...

"It's a girl" the doctor said soflty as he placed the tiny baby in my arms. I looked at her and then at John who was standing right next to me, holding my hand and smiling proudly.

"She's perfect" I said and John nodded.

"Just like you" he whispered and kissed me softly.

"What are we going to name her?" I asked, "she really doesn't look like a Millicent."

He smiled, knowing I hated that name, even if it was his gamma's.

"ok then, you pick" he told me and I sighed.

"I don't know" I told him. We stood in silence for a couple of minutes and then I said "Maybe Olivia. I think she looks like one."

"She does", he told me "and it's a beautiful name." I smiled and then looked at the little girl in my arms. John took her from me and held her close to him. "Olivia Carter" he said "Welcome to our family."

I just marveled in looking at her, looking at what our love had made. Seeing how we had become one in her.

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When she was three, her little brother was born. Jonathan Truman Carter the fourth...

"Daddy?" Olivia asked as she tugged on his pants, trying to make John turn away from the baby he was holding and listen to her.

John sat on the only chair in the hospital room so that he was on the same level as our daughter.

"What is it honey?" he asked while cooing at his son.

"Does he look like me?" she asked looking at the baby with her huge brown eyes. John's eyes.

"Yes, I think he does. Quite a bit actually." he smiled at Olivia.

"Good," she said as she carefully ran her little thumb across little John's face, "because he is really cute."

I tried not to laugh and I saw John's eyes twinkling proudly. He stood up carefully and put the baby in my arms. He then carried Olivia so she could see me as well.

"Jonathan Truman Carter the fourth" I said softly. John made a small face at that and I smiled.

"You know you love it John, and I do too."

"It's really long" Olivia said softly. "Will you call him that all the time?"

"No sweetie", I told her, "he'll be John, just like your father."

How I loved that name. How I loved looking at our small family and knowing everything was just perfect. I loved seeing how good John was with the kids, what a great father they had. And I was happy for them because they had what I'd always wished I did.

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It's been three years since little John was born. And it's just been two months since everything changed. I just wish I could say everything is going to be alright again, but I just don't know. I'm scared and I just want everything to go back to the way it was. Oh God, I just want the old John Carter back. Please, just give me my husband back....I don't think I can handle knowing that he's gone and has been replaced with him. A stranger.

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To be continued...if you review! :)

*Ariana*