Believing

Chapter 3

Author's note: This is an AU Carby. It's set in the future and this chapter is also told in Abby's point of view. I think in the next chapter that might change though. *Flashbacks will be written in italics* I hope you enjoy it and that you review!!!

***Just in case, all the events in the chapter are in the order they happened, but the time between each of them is different and can go from a couple of days, to several weeks.***

Thanks for all the reviews! You guys rock!! :)

Disclaimer: I don't know anything you recognize from ER, though I really wish I owned John Carter, or at least be able to borrow him for a while :)

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The day of the accident.... the day that changed our lives... the day he became a stranger to his own family... the worst day of my life.

I'd lost my John.

I thought it'd be better. I thought that with my support, with my love he'd come back. He'd stop blaming himself. He'd stop pushing us away.

But he didn't.

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The drive back home began terribly. As soon as I started the car, the radio began playing some awfully upbeat song. John angrily shut it off, scaring the kids in the process. And I realized he wasn't going to try and pretend he was fine, not even for them.

He spent the rest of the trip looking out the window, as withdrawn from the situation as he could manage. The kids were clearly worried and kept silent, and that gave me a weird sense of relief. I didn't have to deal with any questions right then.

We got home around noon, and John went directly to our bedroom saying he wasn't hungry and that he wanted to be alone and get some sleep. I spent the rest of the day with the kids, trying to calm them down,explaining them that their daddy wasn't feeling that well and why they shouldn't ask him to play with them like they always did. They were clearly worried, they'd never seen their daddy so unapproachable...so sad.

From time to time I checked up on John, always planning an excuse as to why I was bothering him just in case. 'Just wanted to check if you're hungry', 'I need a sweatshirt, I'm cold', were some excuses that crossed my mind but that I never got to use. Everytime I went into our room I saw John lying in our bed apparently asleep. I knew better though. He was awake. But I understood he wanted to be left alone and decided to respect that for the time being.

That night after the kids went to bed, I finally gathered enough courage to go and try to talk to him. I entered the room quietly, in case he was really sleeping this time and slipped into bed next to him.

"John?" I whispered softly, trying to get his attention.

"Hmm?" he said, he had clearly been awake.

"Are you ok?" I asked him, unable to see his expression in the dark.

"I'm fine" he said, "I have a headache, that's all."

I sighed. "No, I mean..." I paused for a second, "I know you might be feeling bad for what happened today..."

"You think it's my fault?" John asked me accusingly, cutting me off.

"No, of course not!" I told him, "It's not your fault, I never said that. It's just that I thought you might be blaming yourself for what happened."

"I'm fine" he said his voice emotionless.

"I just wanted to tell you that if you want to talk, I'm here, ok?"

"Ok" he said, nodding softly.

We sat in bed in silence for a while.

"Good night Abby" he said, and lied down, turning away from me, as far as he could be, considering we both were in the same bed. He had never done that before. We always slept as close to each other as possible.

...And I lay awake all night, not being able to sleep without his chest as my pillow, and scared to death I wasn't going to anytime soon.

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He pushed me away every single time. And that made me feel useless for not being able to make him happy again, like he had done with me when we had met.

And I remember every single time he said or did something so unlike himself, that hurt us, that hurt me so bad that it broke my heart a bit more.

Until we couldn't take it anymore.

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"Don't"

"Why not mommy?"

I sighed, trying to think of something to say.

"I can make breakfast today."

"But I want daddy's pancakes!" my son said, whining a bit.

"I can make you those." I told him, hoping he'd agree.

"No, I want daddy's!"

Oh God, I thought, sensing the start of a tantrum.

"Jonathan, please." I begged him. He must have sensed my desperation because his chin stopped trembling.

"Can 'livia help you?" he asked me, "she always helps daddy."

"Sure, she can help me." I smiled feeling relieved. "I'll go get her."

I left the kitchen towards my daughter's room. I came back a minute later with Olivia but John wasn't there anymore. I quickly looked around our small house and my eyes widened when I saw my bedroom's door wide open. Seconds later I heard Johnny crying.

"Stay here." Olivia just nodded and I quickly headed towards the bedroom. Johnny was still crying, and when I entered he ran and hugged me. I hugged him back and looked at my husband who looked irritated.

"What happened sweetie?"

"...pancakes...daddy...yelled...at me..." the three year old choked between sobs.

"Stop crying!" John snapped at our son loudly, making him cry even harder.

I gave him a look and he had the decency to look momentarily guilty but his expression turned back to the now usual emotionless a moment later. He stood up and left the room.

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He made me so mad.

I wanted to yell at him for making John cry.

My husband would never do that. My John was a caring father that always put his children before himself. Not the one I had seen that morning yelling at our son to shut up when he had upset him in the first place.

But I couldn't.

I couldn't yell at him because I couldn't handle pushing him away any further. I was so afraid that if that happened I would never get him back...and I need him. So all I could do was hug my son tightly until his tears stopped.

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Our seventh year anniversary.

Every year we had done something totally romantic. And he had always suprised me with a sweet gesture that made my day. This time I couldn't find it in my heart to change that, so I decided I had to do so something, even if it was small, to celebrate.

I arranged for the kids to go on a sleepover at Susan's house and spent the day preparing for that night. I decorated the dining room table with a few candles. Everything was ready. He arrived from work at 8 o'clock.

He entered the dining room, probably wanting to know if there was anyone home.

"Hey" he greeted me, "what's all this?"

"It's our anniversary" I told him, sighing. I didn't even dare asking him if he forgot.

"Oh" he paused, "I'm not in the mood for this, I'm tired."

"I've been preparing this all day!" I told him disbelievingly.

"Sorry" he said, not sounding sorry at all.

I glared at him but his expression didn't change.

"I'll sleep at the guest room tonight." he told me and left, leaving me with the special anniversary dinner served.

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Am I ever going to see him smile again?

Will I ever hear "I love you" from him?

What happens to me if I don't?

This isn't fair.

But then, who said life was?

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"Daddy's different." I looked away from the TV to see Olivia standing by the door. I turned the TV off.

"Come here" I told her, and she slowly approached the bed, finally sitting down next to where I was sitting.

"Is it our fault?" she asked, her eyes sad.

"We're bad, that's why he's mad at Johnny and me. We make him sad."

"Of course not." I told her. "Your daddy loves you both very much."

"Then why is he like this?"

"Well, the accident was very hard on your dad, and he's upset about that."

"Still? The accident was a month ago." the little girl said doubtfully.

"Sometimes it takes longer to feel okay again after something very sad happens."

"Is it going to take much longer?"

"I don't know sweetie."

"I hope it doesn't. I miss daddy."

"Me too."

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I felt like crying. Seeing my daughter blaming herself for her father's behavior was terrible. She felt like she wasn't good enough to make her father proud of her!

When had it reached this point?

I didn't think I'd be able to keep the family together, to keep ignoring that everything was ruined.

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"You have changed" I told him. I needed to have this conversation. I couldn't keep going pretending it was going to be fine. I suppose I had to face my fears and accept that everything had changed.

It was past midnight, we were both in bed, but I knew that just like me, he was still awake.

"People change." he said, shrugging.

"Not like that. You need help and I want to help you." I pleaded with him.

"I don't want your help." he said standing up.

"I can't keep going like this. I miss you."

"There's nothing I can do"

"Of course there is. I know this is hard on you but it's been two months. I can't keep pretending everything is going to go back to normal any day now."

"Good. Because it's not." he says as he turns to look at me.

"Please John, I love you, the kids love you, but it's just too hard on us."

"It doesn't have to be"

"What do you mean?"

"I mean I'm tired about this too. You can't accept I've changed. I'm sorry but I don't think I can try to pretend that we're still a perfect family like you're trying to do"

"So you're not even going to try to keep this family, us, together? It's just over?"

"I guess I'm not." he paused, "I guess it is." he said, a finality in his voice that made my insides go cold.

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To be Continued.....

Ok guys, sorry for the delay on this chapter, but I haven't had much spare time lately. I suppose the length of it is to make up for that ;) Hope you liked it!! Carter POV coming up!! if you review...

*Ariana*