(A/n): Hello people! Sorry I took so long getting this part up but I just got the time right now so please enjoy. This fanfiction is more about the anxiety Ken is going through when it comes to the final years of Osamu's life in jail.
Not grey
I hate being scared and I hate not knowing what is going to happen. I use to know everything but not knowing some of these things scares me. I feel so cold and unsafe. I want breathe again. I hate sitting here wandering if he is gonna show up on my door step tomorrow and try to have his way with me again. Oh how that one day tortures me. The therapists and psychologists don't help, they always tell me to explain how I felt and all the do it make me relive the nightmare. It's not good for my health. I've tried to end my life five times already because I don't think God himself wants me to live in this pain but if I stopped myself or someone stops me, shouldn't that mean he has a plan? The song keeps playing and playing on the radio:
I'll lay me down tonight
Much further down
Swim in the calm tonight
This art does drown
I feel sick now, just wandering if that sick fucker is thinking of me now. If he is wanting me in his tiny little jail cell, the hell I damned him to. I've been meaning to go see him, because everyone says I should confront my fear of him but I just can't do it. I want to doe! Does no one understand that! But no! I can't die because my parents would feel like failures and my friends would be so sad and Daisuke, I can't break his heart. I've never felt such confusion in my lifetime and I want to be free of it all. I wish I would have just aced that one test, then nothing would have happened. I wish I wasn't an idiot. I get up and leave the dinner table without excusing myself, my parents don't stop me, they understand. I shut the door the naked room I call my own. I flop on the bed and cry so hard. Something has got to click or has to happen. No therapist and psychologist will help me with that, it has to be me. The song keeps playing and playing on the radio:
(What follows) me as the whitest lace of light
(Will swallow whole) just begs to be imbrued?
What follows has lead me to this place
where I belong, with all erased
It's much past midnight now and I haven't slept for minute. Daisuke tells me to call him if I can't sleep but I don't want to wake him up. He is so beautiful when he sleeps and I hate to know I spoiled that for a minute. I shake in a corner of my room. I fear getting up, I fear the world. Could Osamu being sorry for what happened by any chance? Don't think about it, Ken!...Could he? What if he is? And what if I want to forgive him and move on? No. Not now. Maybe someday but not now for me. I slowly creep out of my corner and walk closer to my dresser. I don't have to forgive him if I am dead. I walk down the small hallway to the bathroom and pull out of my dad's shaving razors. This will do fine. I start at the top of my forearm and start letting it move down slowly and painful. They say when someone is committing suicide and it is the only way out they feel a sense a relief. Then why don't I feel that relief from life? It must be wrong! I drop the razor and cover the bleeding arm. I gently wash my wound and dress it as best as I can. When I do a well enough job I walk back into my room. The song keeps playing and playing on the radio:
All insects sing tonight
The coldest sound
I'd send God's grace tonight
Could it be found?
I feel nervous now. That was the first time I had ever gotten so far as to make myself bleed. It doesn't feel good like I knew it was going to. It didn't feel good because it would have been the wrong thing to do. I sit back on my bed and cry a little more. Maybe something will heal me form all this pain when the time is right. I don't have that kind of time on me! I'm seventeen years old and I can't wait forever for a healing moment. I have to make it happen. But what is healing? My schoolwork can't heal me, it just gives me more pressure because every time I'm doing a test I feel I have to do very well because I don't know if I will come home and Osamu will be there waiting to see it and have history repeat itself for me. How is that healing? But now I remember a lot of musicians heal themselves with music! Where did Dad put his old guitar form when he was in a rock band? I go and search for the guitar that has so many stories to it. The song keeps playing and playing on the radio:
(What follows) me as the whitest lace of light
(Will swallow whole) just begs to be imbrued?
What follows has lead me to this place
where I belong, with all erased
Found! The guitar was black and dusty but still in prefect tone from the last time he played. I carefully take it out of his case and carry it back to my room. I don't know how to play a single note. How will I learn? I sat there for a couple of minutes with the guitar in my thin, pale hands and thought to myself. If millions of musician thought themselves how to play their instruments then boy genius- me, could do the same. I close my eyes and imagine me playing it like the rock stars do. I imagine the music I would play and how soothing it would be for a jaded soul like my own. This has to be as easy as it seems. I cradle the guitar like my father had showed me how a thousand times and played one little note on it. It sounded alright. I played that note again and played another one- sour! I then adjusted my fingers a different way and played again-sour! Again-not so bad. Again- good. I kept adding on to the notes til I got them just the way I liked it. It seemed to feel right when I could hear my heart beat to the sounds. The song keeps playing and playing on the radio:
I'll lay me down tonight
Much further down
Watch stars go out tonightOn sinking ground
I feel stronger then I had ever felt in these few years. I feel like I could play this guitar all night. I can't help myself I have to play more and more. I feel so strong and proud of myself. I will do well this is guitar. This guitar is my healing tool and I will create music that will release me from the pain Osamu caused me and it hurts a lot less then cutting myself. The song keeps playing and playing on the radio:
I'll lay me down, I'll lay me down
I put the guitar down for a while and reflect on how I feel now. I feel like I felt before all this had happened. It seemed as though it had been lifted off my like a terrible burden I have carried with me for the longest time. I go to my desk and write down few band names- that's right. I'm gonna start a band. It will take a long time to get it together but with the right notes and people I will play and hopefully heal many of there painful times- this hasn't happened to just me. Many kids have had these problems and it ruins them too and I want them to know they are not alone in this unfair and cruel world. The song keeps playing and playing on radio:
(What follows) me as the whitest lace of light
(Will swallow whole) just begs to be imbrued?
What follows has lead me to this place
where I belong, with all erased
The next I went to see Daisuke and I told him of the events of last night. He held me when I told him about the cutting part but he felt better when I told him I couldn't do it. When I told him about the music last night his brown eyes gazed into mine and when I said I wanted to start a band he said he was the proudest boyfriend he could ever be. I was so happy for the first time in a long time. I also said I wanted to make it my quest through my music to tell other kids with terrible experiences like mine that they aren't alone and they can be heal and relieved from it all and Daisuke burst into tears. I can feel that this is the right thing to do.
To be continued
What do u guys think? I know it took a while for me to get this up but let's all rejoice that I fianlly did. R+R Or I'll shave the kitten *Shows you kitten and shaver* :D
Not grey
I hate being scared and I hate not knowing what is going to happen. I use to know everything but not knowing some of these things scares me. I feel so cold and unsafe. I want breathe again. I hate sitting here wandering if he is gonna show up on my door step tomorrow and try to have his way with me again. Oh how that one day tortures me. The therapists and psychologists don't help, they always tell me to explain how I felt and all the do it make me relive the nightmare. It's not good for my health. I've tried to end my life five times already because I don't think God himself wants me to live in this pain but if I stopped myself or someone stops me, shouldn't that mean he has a plan? The song keeps playing and playing on the radio:
I'll lay me down tonight
Much further down
Swim in the calm tonight
This art does drown
I feel sick now, just wandering if that sick fucker is thinking of me now. If he is wanting me in his tiny little jail cell, the hell I damned him to. I've been meaning to go see him, because everyone says I should confront my fear of him but I just can't do it. I want to doe! Does no one understand that! But no! I can't die because my parents would feel like failures and my friends would be so sad and Daisuke, I can't break his heart. I've never felt such confusion in my lifetime and I want to be free of it all. I wish I would have just aced that one test, then nothing would have happened. I wish I wasn't an idiot. I get up and leave the dinner table without excusing myself, my parents don't stop me, they understand. I shut the door the naked room I call my own. I flop on the bed and cry so hard. Something has got to click or has to happen. No therapist and psychologist will help me with that, it has to be me. The song keeps playing and playing on the radio:
(What follows) me as the whitest lace of light
(Will swallow whole) just begs to be imbrued?
What follows has lead me to this place
where I belong, with all erased
It's much past midnight now and I haven't slept for minute. Daisuke tells me to call him if I can't sleep but I don't want to wake him up. He is so beautiful when he sleeps and I hate to know I spoiled that for a minute. I shake in a corner of my room. I fear getting up, I fear the world. Could Osamu being sorry for what happened by any chance? Don't think about it, Ken!...Could he? What if he is? And what if I want to forgive him and move on? No. Not now. Maybe someday but not now for me. I slowly creep out of my corner and walk closer to my dresser. I don't have to forgive him if I am dead. I walk down the small hallway to the bathroom and pull out of my dad's shaving razors. This will do fine. I start at the top of my forearm and start letting it move down slowly and painful. They say when someone is committing suicide and it is the only way out they feel a sense a relief. Then why don't I feel that relief from life? It must be wrong! I drop the razor and cover the bleeding arm. I gently wash my wound and dress it as best as I can. When I do a well enough job I walk back into my room. The song keeps playing and playing on the radio:
All insects sing tonight
The coldest sound
I'd send God's grace tonight
Could it be found?
I feel nervous now. That was the first time I had ever gotten so far as to make myself bleed. It doesn't feel good like I knew it was going to. It didn't feel good because it would have been the wrong thing to do. I sit back on my bed and cry a little more. Maybe something will heal me form all this pain when the time is right. I don't have that kind of time on me! I'm seventeen years old and I can't wait forever for a healing moment. I have to make it happen. But what is healing? My schoolwork can't heal me, it just gives me more pressure because every time I'm doing a test I feel I have to do very well because I don't know if I will come home and Osamu will be there waiting to see it and have history repeat itself for me. How is that healing? But now I remember a lot of musicians heal themselves with music! Where did Dad put his old guitar form when he was in a rock band? I go and search for the guitar that has so many stories to it. The song keeps playing and playing on the radio:
(What follows) me as the whitest lace of light
(Will swallow whole) just begs to be imbrued?
What follows has lead me to this place
where I belong, with all erased
Found! The guitar was black and dusty but still in prefect tone from the last time he played. I carefully take it out of his case and carry it back to my room. I don't know how to play a single note. How will I learn? I sat there for a couple of minutes with the guitar in my thin, pale hands and thought to myself. If millions of musician thought themselves how to play their instruments then boy genius- me, could do the same. I close my eyes and imagine me playing it like the rock stars do. I imagine the music I would play and how soothing it would be for a jaded soul like my own. This has to be as easy as it seems. I cradle the guitar like my father had showed me how a thousand times and played one little note on it. It sounded alright. I played that note again and played another one- sour! I then adjusted my fingers a different way and played again-sour! Again-not so bad. Again- good. I kept adding on to the notes til I got them just the way I liked it. It seemed to feel right when I could hear my heart beat to the sounds. The song keeps playing and playing on the radio:
I'll lay me down tonight
Much further down
Watch stars go out tonightOn sinking ground
I feel stronger then I had ever felt in these few years. I feel like I could play this guitar all night. I can't help myself I have to play more and more. I feel so strong and proud of myself. I will do well this is guitar. This guitar is my healing tool and I will create music that will release me from the pain Osamu caused me and it hurts a lot less then cutting myself. The song keeps playing and playing on the radio:
I'll lay me down, I'll lay me down
I put the guitar down for a while and reflect on how I feel now. I feel like I felt before all this had happened. It seemed as though it had been lifted off my like a terrible burden I have carried with me for the longest time. I go to my desk and write down few band names- that's right. I'm gonna start a band. It will take a long time to get it together but with the right notes and people I will play and hopefully heal many of there painful times- this hasn't happened to just me. Many kids have had these problems and it ruins them too and I want them to know they are not alone in this unfair and cruel world. The song keeps playing and playing on radio:
(What follows) me as the whitest lace of light
(Will swallow whole) just begs to be imbrued?
What follows has lead me to this place
where I belong, with all erased
The next I went to see Daisuke and I told him of the events of last night. He held me when I told him about the cutting part but he felt better when I told him I couldn't do it. When I told him about the music last night his brown eyes gazed into mine and when I said I wanted to start a band he said he was the proudest boyfriend he could ever be. I was so happy for the first time in a long time. I also said I wanted to make it my quest through my music to tell other kids with terrible experiences like mine that they aren't alone and they can be heal and relieved from it all and Daisuke burst into tears. I can feel that this is the right thing to do.
To be continued
What do u guys think? I know it took a while for me to get this up but let's all rejoice that I fianlly did. R+R Or I'll shave the kitten *Shows you kitten and shaver* :D