Silence Between
"I know of no evil so great as the abuse of understanding, and yet there is no one vice more common." - Sir Richard Steele
-
Ellisa came dancing into the lounge one 'morning', or as much of a morning as could be in space, humming a song.
Noin looked at the brunette over her mug of strong black coffee with surprise and bemusement, while Xack promptly commented, "Hey, look who got some last night."
"Shut up, oh juvenile one," Elle countered. "I'm far too elated to let your idiocy bring me down."
"Hah! I keep trying till lunchtime, and I'll have you cursing at me, easy." Xack tossed his cup into the disposal unit and smirked at Elle. She reponded with a mildly rude gesture.
"What are you so happy about?" Lucrezia asked, trying to avert an argument.
Elle fell onto a couch with a happy sigh, then looked up and winked. "Perverted Boy over here was right. I got some."
"See, told ya," Xack said knowingly. "A man can always tell. You're practically glowing with the satisfaction that only sex could bring."
"I'm surprised you recognized it. You don't see a lot of that satisfaction in any of your partners, do you, O'Neal?"
One of the other members in the lounge who overheard the shot started choking on his juice, and someone had to give him a slap on the back to keep the liquid from coming out of his nose.
Noin had to conceal a snort of her own, and she met gazes with Zechs, standing beside the table and pouring himself some coffee. He shook his head and sighed, one side of his mouth twitching, and she covered her smile with one hand.
The two of them had reached a comfortable level in the third month of the project, reestablished a safe territory they had lost in the year he was absent. Making an attempt at casual friendship was surprisingly easy for Lucrezia. She found relief in her recovered ability to share a glance or a smile with Zechs.
However, beneath the relief, she was wary of how long it would last.
Ashida stopped in for a quick cup of coffee just in time to hear Xack and Elle throwing impressive insults back and forth. Noin heard him mutter, "Nice to see the day starting off so pleasently," just before he exited.
"Please, Elle, I've dated more woman than the number of men you've scared away!"
"Really, Xack? And were all of these woman conscious during the date, or did you have to bludgeon them with a sledgehammer!"
Lucrezia ran her fingers through her black hair and asked her partner idly, "Zechs, were we ever like that when we were kids?"
"I don't think so," he answered dryly. "If we were, they would have thrown us out of the military."
"I've seen you flirting with Noin - date within your own age range, you juvenile delinquent! She's far too mature for you!"
"Like you haven't been scoping out Zechs! Why don't you date within your own species, you parasite! He's way out of your league!"
It was at that point that everyone in the room promptly turned to look at Noin and Zechs.
"Oh." Noin swallowed a snicker that would have been entirely inappropiate and rather undignified at the moment. "Um, Zechs, isn't it about time we went to moniter the technical systems . . .?"
"Yes, Noin, I think it is."
They quickly and wisely made their exit.
On their way to the dock, Lucrezia couldn't stop chuckling. "I love those two. Everyday with them is like a new floor show."
"They should be acting their age, not like a couple of kids," was all Zechs would say, and Noin glanced at him sideways.
"Oh, I don't know. They remind me a little bit of Heero and Duo. Only the argument is more two-sided."
It was brief, but Lucrezia managed to catch the slight stiffening in Zechs's shoulders at the mention of Heero Yuy's name. She had wondered whether or not he was completely over his rivalry with the former Gundam pilot.
Zechs would get over it eventually, she was fairly certain. The war was over. And if he was ever going to make a home . . .
But how? How was he going to be comfortable living a calmer life in a normal surrounding, even as a Preventer agent?
If he was planning on returning to Earth at all.
She shook off the thoughts. It wasn't the time.
They worked in fairly comfortable silence for awhile, monitering the systems on the main console, doing scheduled updates on software, the usual tasks. But there was something slightly disturbing, maybe a little frightening about the silence. It wasn't the quiet that they used to have. It didn't feel quite right.
For years, it never felt quite right.
So she decided to break the silence with, "So is there any truth to Xack's accusation? Is Elle sweet on you?"
For a few seconds, there was no response, and Lucrezia turned to look at him. She was surprised to discover a truly bewildered expression on his face.
Finally, he replied, sounding bemused, "I have no idea."
She stared at him blankly. Then her shock dissolved and she burst into peals of laughter.
"It isn't that amusing, you know," Zechs said, sounding annoyed.
"Yes, it is! How could you not know when a woman's flirting with you?"
"If you must know, it's been awhile since I've . . ." He struggled for an appropiate term.
"Since you've what? Played the field?" Lucrezia provided, trying not to choke.
He glared at her, and the laughs came harder.
At last, his composed mask cracked into a smile, then a chuckle. "Yes, I suppose you could say that," he relented.
Calming down somewhat, Noin went back to her work, but glanced at her partner with a smirk. "That is certainly not what I expected from you, Zechs."
"Really? Why?"
That put her at a loss. How exactly was she supposed to say, "Because you're hot" without sounding like she'd been spending her time noticing?
She shrugged, trying to sound casual. "No real reason. I suppose I thought you were a little more - aware of your surroundings."
"And what about you?"
"Xack?" Now, here was a topic she could talk about. "Oh, he's cute, but he isn't serious. Just a school-boy crush; he'll get over it. From what I've seen, it's more likely he's interested in Elle. Those two fight far too much for it to be normal."
"Their relationship seems to be rather - "
"Unhealthy? Violent? Homicidal?"
"Explosive," Zechs provided, making Lucrezia smile. "If they don't deal with their issues, it could affect their work."
"It could." This time, Lucrezia said this quietly and without the humor that had been present only seconds before. It was great that Elle and Xack's "issues" would affect their lives - that only meant they had no choice but to resolve them. Would her "issues" with Zechs ever be resolved? Or were they going to go on pretending there was nothing TO resolve?
They'd never actually spoken about the event more than a year ago, during the Eve Wars, when they'd faced each other in battle for the first time in years. She'd known she'd never have a chance against him while he was in Epyon. But he hadn't killed her, despite the fact that she had stood in his path.
It had gone unspoken because she thought he understood why she couldn't move, and why he couldn't kill her.
But now she wasn't so sure.
"I don't even understand you anymore."
She said this so softly, so thoughtlessly, that she didn't even realize the words had passed her lips until Zechs said, just as quietly, "Did you ever?"
They looked at each other wordlessly, ice blue to dark violet. Something was straining between them, tugging relentlessly, trying to either pull them together or tear them apart, neither knew. All that was certain was that a new tension had arisen, a special quiet they had seemed to abandon years ago . . .
Suddenly, the door slid open. They both jumped from their trance and looked up at the intruder.
"Hey, Noin, Zechs," Grant said, "I need one of you at the dock. Seems we got some reports of space raiders cruising around our territory, and since you're of the few with any space-battle experience . . ."
Zechs nodded and stood. "I'll come."
Grant nodded. "Good. Noin, you can handle things here, right?"
"Yes," she replied in her most professional tone, daring a split-second look into her partner's eyes before turning back to the console.
The two men left the room.
As the door slid closed behind them, she thought of the silence that had fallen between her and Zechs. And she realized it was the first honest silence she'd felt with him for a long time.
-
"For all we know, this could be a routine swing-by from an entourage heading for Saturn, but we're not going to take any chances. Raiders are too common at isolated locations, and the last thing we need on this red rock are a bunch of thieves . . ."
Grant was talking, not animatedly, but in the easy drawl that was common with him, so Zechs was able to follow along while partially thinking of what had passed between him and Noin.
The silence between them had been a bit unnerving. But what was really concerning him were her words: "I don't even understand you anymore." From the way she had said it and the look she gave him when he replied, she hadn't meant to speak outloud.
His reply was no better: "Did you ever." He didn't even quite comprehend why he had said it. He really hadn't intended to say anything like it at all.
Also, it made no sense. Of all the people in the world and the colonies alike, he would say that Noin was the only person alive who had ever really understood him. Or did she? Treize was dead. Zechs had more or less alienated Relena by his bloody acts, and though he knew her nature would allow her to welcome him back, there would always be that between them. Their differences.
Heero Yuy - was he the other one who understood Zechs as no one else could? Perhaps. And Relena had seen something in Heero that made her care for him as a pacifist should never have cared for a warrior.
Yes, Zechs had seen it, too. That kindness in Heero. The same kindness neither Zechs Merquise, nor Milliardo Peacecraft, could ever possess.
Neither one of his personas had given him what he wanted, what he still ached for to this very day.
Whatever it was, it seemed he'd never find it.
"All right, Zechs, these are the scans and coordinates of the space vehicle we picked up," Grant was saying, drawing Zechs' attention from his morbid thoughts back to a console screen in the space scanning area.
Dutifully, Zechs examined the vehicle scans, and he frowned. "How long has it been on this route?"
"Two or three hours, give or take."
"It's a turn-about path. It seems to lead away from the area but it always curves back in someway, just slow enough that it isn't noticable. That's a typical stalking strategy."
Grant sighed. "So in other words, we got raiders."
Zechs nodded.
"Great." Grant ran a hand over his dirty-blonde hair, tousling it even more. "You think it's serious?"
"Most likely not," Zechs replied. "Raiders don't get a lot done these days. We'll just need security for when the sender of this scout ship comes along. Our troubles should be limited."
After a nod from Grant offering both gratitude for services and silent dismissal, Zechs was free to return to his previous work.
All thoughts of space raiders forgotten, Zechs headed back to the monitering area where Noin was still working.
But he froze not two feet from the door.
Did he want to the return to the atmosphere of silence they had shared before? It had been strange, and familiar at once. Something so unused that it was new all over again.
He used to treasure that silence, years ago . . .
Years ago.
Now, Zechs wasn't the same person he had been. He hadn't been for too long. And even the thought of going back to what he used to be was impossible, ridiculous. It wasn't something he could do.
For a few more seconds, he stayed where he was in the spot just outside the closed door, where she was. It was almost as if something was begging him to stay.
Those seconds were short and brutal.
Abruptly, Zechs turned and walked away.
-
She could sense him, feel him, just a few feet from the door. If he walked in now, maybe they could save that silence that had been interrupted. Maybe the rediscovery of that quiet would be the stepping stone for them. A stepping stone back to what they used to be . . .
If only he would just walk in . . .
Noin could just hear his footsteps as he left.
She closed her eyes. They were dry, tearless. As always, it seemed, she didn't cry, wouldn't, no matter what seemed to happen to her. The lack of tears never made her feel stronger; merely more weary.
When she opened them again, she realized there was another silence around her, one that had grown familiar.
The silence of what war will do to you. Had done to him. Had done to her.
A single, deep breath. And she went back to work.