Chapter Fourteen

COME BACK, CRAZY ALICE

~*~

A few days later, Daria and Jane were sitting on the Morgendorffer sofa, flipping through the TV channels. "I was actually going to thank the little creep for helping me," Daria fumed, "and then I find out he's given a transcript of that doggerel I was spouting to the Lowdown."

"That was pretty good doggerel if you ask me," Jane opined. "I think you should have signed those copies for your fans. I gave Trent a copy and he was almost pathetically grateful. He's sure there's a chart-topper in there somewhere."

"It was dumb and stupid and just plain bad. And it's a ripoff of the work of a genuinely good poet."

"It got a pretty good round of applause at the mall."

"They were applauding you guys hauling me away. Well, it could be worse, I guess. At least it only appeared in the Lowd…" Daria was interrupted by Jane snatching the remote out of her hand and turning up the sound.

Daria stared at the screen in surprise and then growing horror. Security cam footage showed her at the mall, letting go of the Cheshire Cat's tail and falling into the arms of Trent and Upchuck, and all three of them falling into the penny pool. A voice-over proclaimed, "She really ate the wrong mushroom this time! Now she's a poet and too stoned to know it! Alice in Wackyland, next on Sick, Sad World!"

Daria sprang to her feet. "Aaargghhh! I'll kill 'im! I swear to Bob I'll kill 'im! Then I'll prop him up and kill him again!" Too furious to sit, she prowled back and forth through the family room. "Did you hear that 'hit-the-mike' noise when I fell on Upchuck? He had that recorder of his in his pocket! He was following me around, recording all my ravings! And he sold it to Sick Sad World! I'll kill 'im!"

Jake took the opportunity to slip out to the kitchen. "Helen! Helen! Daria's gone berserk! She's gonna kill somebody! Twice!" he exclaimed.

"Don't worry, dear, the second time is free," Helen responded sardonically. "Seriously, she's just a little agitated, and understandably so. You should go to her and say something comforting."

"So, exactly how are you gonna kill him, do you think?" Jane asked Daria.

"Some very painful method, that's for sure," Daria snarled. She sat silent for a while, staring at the screen. "Seriously, I'll have to think about it, come up with something appropriate. The punishment must fit the crime."

"But not too long, right?" Jane replied. You want swift justice, right? Justice delayed is justice denied, and all that?"

"Wrong concept," Daria said. "I'm talking revenge here. And, as some old Frenchman once said, revenge is a dish best served cold."

As Jake tentatively re-entered the family room, the TV showed a blond woman with a British accent interviewing some children at the mall. "There seem to be a lot of young people here today," she observed. "Could you tell us why that is?"

"We're waiting for Crazy Alice to come back," an expensively but scruffily dressed urchin informed her. Another juvenile, who was showing somewhat more underwear than was strictly fashionable, agreed. "We like Crazy Alice. She's silly!" "She's gonna lead us all to Never-Never Land!" exclaimed a third. "That's Wonderland, stupid!" a blue haired girl with metallic decals stuck all over her face corrected him. "I'm Beth Ann! Hi, Mom!"

The blond woman pulled the microphone back to herself and said, "And there you have it. Hundreds of children like these, waiting at this mall all day long, hoping for the return of the mysterious 'Crazy Alice.' Back to you, Dick."

Jane grinned. "Way to go, amiga! Hundreds of fans! And if you play your cards right, you can convert most of them to followers. Start your own religion, there's where the real money is! Ask Sun Myung Moon! Ask L. Ron Hubbard!"

Daria was putting together a suitably excoriating reply to that when the phone rang. Her prowlings back and forth having brought her to within arm's reach of it, she picked it up out of habit. "Hello!… hello? …Hey!" Daria held the handset to her ear, listening, her expression first puzzled, then irritated. After several seconds, she hung up.

Looking up, Daria wasn't too surprised to see everyone looking at her. Helen did the honors. "Who was it?"

"Aunt Amy," Daria replied, looking unhappy.

"What did she say?" Quinn asked.

"Nothing. She couldn't stop laughing. I could hear Sick, Sad World in the background."

~*~

Later, as they were eating dinner, Helen asked, "So what did Amy say when she called back?"

"Well, she apologized for laughing, of course. Said she was surprised at how funny I was, that she hadn't gotten that from my description of the incident." Daria poked at her green beans. "I didn't think I was that funny."

"I didn't either," Quinn said shortly, likewise giving her green beans a lot of attention.

"Well, I had other things on my mind at the time that kept me from appreciating the humor of the situation," Helen said.

"I was worried about you too, amiga, but I gotta admit you were putting on a good show. Objectively, you were pretty darn funny," Jane said.

"I guess tomorrow I'll be getting an objective opinion from everyone at school," Daria said in a slightly strained voice.

Helen studied Daria with concern. "Sweetie, don't hold your knife like that. You look like you're trying to stab your lasagna to death. I'm sure everyone will be understanding and supportive."

"Everyone on what planet?" Quinn snapped. "Everyone at Lawndale High will think she's a dangerous lunatic, and they'll think I'm probably one too! I'm ruined! My life is over!"

"That's how understanding and supportive they'll be," said Daria, pointing at Quinn, "except they'll be laughing their butts off." She stabbed her lasagna again. "Thanks to Upchuck and his pocket recorder. I guess it's way too late to subpoena that tape."

"We probably couldn't have suppressed it even if we'd known about its existence in advance," Helen replied. "The mall is a public place, and what you did was newsworthy. But we'll definitely subpoena it for evidence. That tape, along with the security camera tapes from the mall, is extremely powerful evidence in support of our case. Do you want to serve the subpoena, Daria? We can just mail it to him, you know."

"Just mail it," said Daria. "It wouldn't be safe for me to get that close to the little weasel." She stabbed her lasagna again.

~*~