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This is dedicated to the memory of Jonathan Brandis, for there was a time where he graced every wall of my bedroom. For there was a time where I had to always watch Seaquest every Sunday and anxiously waited for it to air week after week. I miss those times and I'll miss you Jon. RIP!
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This might end up in Bent, so if you see it there or a version of this rest assured I did not plagiarize my own work. *lol* Also this story is not meant to offend anyone. If anyone is offended I apologize now. I just have a weird way that I deal with certain situations and Jonathan's situation is something that I've been through before. I lost a friend to suicide 2 years ago.
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Ben walked up to the door. He was about to knock, which was so unlike him, but then he sighed and turned the knob on the door. "Why knock?" he asked himself, "No one would answer" A lone tear made its way down his cheek. Ben hastily wiped it away as he walked into the room, the room marked Mammal Engineering.
It had been a week since the funeral. The boat had dry docked for that week so that the crew could all attend. Most, especially the senior crew, were still in a daze, still felt guilty as if they were to blame. They were all at a loss as to why, why someone as big hearted, so energetic, so normally full of life, would want to end it all. It was something that weighed on their minds and their hearts from the time he was found. It was something that would continue to weigh on their minds for weeks to come as they struggled to cope with the loss of their co-worker, their fellow crew member, their friend, Lucas Daniel Wolenczak.
Ben didn't know why he was here. He guessed though he found a sort of peace by being surrounded by Lucas' things. For one brief moment it made it seem that Lucas was just away visiting his friends for the weekend and that any minute he would come waltzing in the door demanding in a playful sly way why Ben was in his quarters without his permission.
Ben sat down on Lucas' bed and breathed in his surroundings, dirty clothes strewn all over the room, a pile of music and video disks lay scattered across the desk. He thought about how hard everyone was taking this. He found out that Dr. Westphalen was in tears most of the week but when she returned to the Seaquest earlier in the day she seemed to be a bit cheerier, though it could have all been a façade. It had to be a façade. Bridger had retreated to his island with Darwin after the funeral. It was to be expected, Nathan thought of Lucas as a son. Ben had yet to see the Captain today and figured he wouldn't show up till it was time for the boat to leave shore. O'Neill spent most of the week in church praying and even gave the benediction at the funeral. Hell even Commander Ford seemed to be taken Lucas' death hard, despite not being as close to him as the others. Ben however took it the hardest of all, outside of Bridger. He spent the latter part of the week drowning his sorrow at the local bar "Sidekicks" and he even almost went home with a prostitute and her sister who told him he could refer to them as "Ladybugs" He turned them down and instead just went back to his apartment and cried himself to sleep. Lucas was like the brother he never had. Lucas was his partner in crime, his comrade, his best friend. Ben couldn't imagine life without him. Sadly life would have to go on and as the pastor at the funeral said "…his life cut short, he may be gone but he shall never be forgotten."
Ben was jarred from his thoughts by the ringing of his PAL. He switched it on but did not say a word.
"Ben." It was Katie. Ben almost felt like turning his PAL off and slamming it against the wall. Despite being divorced, they still remained friends and despite Ben still holding a fondness, a love for his ex-wife he was getting rather annoyed with her attempts at consoling him. He didn't want to be consoled even though Katie knew what they were all going through having had lost her brother to the same fate as Lucas 10 years prior.
"Yes." Ben answered tears evident in his voice.
"Ben you were due in the war room 10 minutes ago for senior crew meeting." Normally she would have berated him for being late, but considering the circumstances surrounding the past week she let it slide.
"I'm sorry, Katie, I'm on my way."
Ben switched off his PAL and slide off the bed, he again hastily wiped yet another lone tear as it tried to trek its way down his cheek. Upon exiting the room he noticed a big bright yellow envelope on the desk that he hadn't noticed earlier. He picked it up and examined it. On the front it read "Senior Crew Officers, Seaquest Please Open at Next Meeting"
Ben ran towards the War Room, anxious but yet fearful as to what was inside. What were the contents of the envelope? Could this have been a plan, some sort of note from Lucas since he knew after ever shore leave or dry dock the senior crew was required by UEO to hold a meeting. He slowed down his run to a walk as he neared the War Room hearing Katie's voice as she seemed to be finishing a speech "…I know it will be hard for some time, but speaking from experience it will get better, the pain will pass and Lucas will hold a place in each and everyone of our hearts forever."
Ben paused briefly before entering. He tried to enter unknown but all eyes were on him as he slipped into the chair to the right of Ortez who sat with his head bent down as if in prayer. Katie sat down and there was silence in the room. Ben glanced around and saw that Bridger had finally arrived back at the boat, though he looked like he had seen better days, which of course he had. Ben decided to break the silence and laid the envelope on the table as he quietly began to speak.
"I was in Lucas' quarters and I found this addressed to all of us. Should I open it?"
He looked towards Nathan to get his consent but when the Captain wouldn't meet his gaze he looked instead to Ford. The Commander slowly nodded. Ben opened the envelope and laid out its contents. Inside there were individual envelopes, each one addressed to the various crew members of the senior staff. Everyone, including Bridger grabbed their respective envelopes but no one opened theirs. Ben guessed they all wanted to be alone in their quarters where they could read the contents in private. There was also a note simply addressed "Senior Staff" Lieutenant Commander Hitchcock picked up the letter and began to read aloud.
Please forgive me. I had to do this; I had no other way to end my misery. I just want you to know that none of this is anyone's fault but my own. Do not blame yourselves; I have gone on to a better place. I hope this poem I have written will give you an understanding of my anguish, my despair. I bid you all good-bye, for now I am finally at peace. I'll miss you all.
Lucas.
To Be Normal
What is normal?
I am not.
To Be Normal
In society, I don't belong,
Too intelligent but yet so
young.
To Be Normal
Your expectations too high,
The stress too much.
To Be Normal
I'm just a child.
Do you understand?
To Be Normal
It hurts inside.
I feel pain, emptiness, alone.
To Be Normal
I want to die.
Maybe I can find happiness.
To Be Normal.
Katie laid down the paper and looked to find the room in tears as the words Lucas wrote sank in. She slowly bowed her head and silently cried as well. Ben couldn't take it anymore and made his way out of the War Room and towards the moonpool. The others followed suit each clutching their envelope and retreating for a few more moments of alone time before the ship was to depart in an hour.
Ben sat down and let his feet dangle in the water, shoes and all he didn't care. He opened his letter and paused before beginning to read. He took a deep breath to fight back the onslaught of sobs that were destined to force their way out as he read. He took one final breath before reading.
Ben—
What can I say? I never had a brother till I met you. You took me under your wing, not because you had to but because you wanted to. You wanted to hang with me, you wanted my help in your misdeeds even if that meant both of us on KP for a week (remember when we were charging new ensigns to ride the magleve?) I'll always be grateful for your sense of adventure and sense of humor. Though you claim not to be the emotional type, I know better, remember we are 'brothers'. I'm here to tell you to quit crying and move on. I know it will be hard but please don't cry for me. I'm finally 100% happy and peaceful. Thank you for always being there for me, you don't know how many times just knowing I could count on you as a friend, as a brother to get me through the most difficult times even if I did hide my problems well. I love you and I know that you and probably everyone else are blaming themselves. It's not your fault. My pain has been building up and boiling within me for years, long before I grown to love my Seaquest home. I'll miss you but I'm comforted by the fact that I am in a better place. Don't mourn me but remember me for who I was to you, hopefully as a brother, like you were to me. I hope I'll always hold a place in your heart.
Love,
Lucas D. Wolenczak.
P.S. If you look on my computer there is a file that even your dimwitted mind can comprehend. If loaded properly it will randomly play porn throughout the day on all monitors. HA!
A small sob escaped Ben's throat as he reread the letter before neatly folding it and tucking it in his pocket. He was about to leave the area when Darwin swam up to him. Turning slightly he switched on the Vocador.
"Lucas gone." Squawked the Dolphin.
"Yeah Darwin, Lucas is gone"
"Bridger sad. Seaquest sad. People cry."
Tears fell in a small torrent down Ben's cheeks "We are all very sad."
"Ben no sad. Lucas better place. Lucas happy now. Lucas in heart."
Ben smiled his first smile in over a week. He thought back to what Katie said and to what Lucas wrote him: "Lucas will hold a place in each and every one of our hearts forever…" "I hope I'll always hold a place in your heart…"
"Thanks fish face. Lucas in heart, yes Lucas will always be here," Ben pointed to his heart. He looked up to where the sky would be had he been on land, "Lucas buddy I'll see you some day, take care of yourself. You will be missed. Enjoy that peace that you so longingly deserve. I love you, "brother".
THE END.
**Please read and review. It's 2:26 am and I'm about to fall asleep but I couldn't go to bed until I got this finished. If anyone wants to write the same story concept but from someone else's point of view go ahead, just give me credit for coming up with the plot of the story.**