Title: HIdden Thoughts About You
Author: Kurokawa/Shinichiro/Niki-sama/Oreo-sama/Billie Dammit
Warnings: Yaoi-ness! (boyxboy) If you don't like that kinda stuff, don't read it!
Disclaimer: Don't own Xenosaga or any or it's characters even though I want to.
Chapter 1: Controlling my Selfish Thoughts
There he was. My friend, my ally, my desire. I could not keep my thoughts away from him, for he knew everything I was thinking. Was it possible that he could know? He is such a lively person that he would probably have made a big deal out of it and yell it out for the whole Kukai Foundation to know. In that case, Rubedo probably had no clue that I, Gaignun Kukai, had the most awkward crush on him.
Rubedo had always been with me, as long as I knew I was alive. Sure, I had friends everywhere I looked, but that wasn't enough for me. I wanted Rubedo to notice me as not just a friend, and defiantly not his father. I wanted to be the light in his big, crystal blue eyes. I wanted to be able to embrace him and he would embrace me back. It was a fools' desire, though. Mary and Shelly would agree that it was stupid. Rubedo is just so perfect, and yet so untouchable. His personality is fierce and strong and if anything happened to taint it, I'd blame myself.
Yes, a fool's dream.
My screen turned on as my face was shown on the bridge to talk to Rubedo, who had called me up. As I even looked at the bright red hair tossing around his sweet face the memories of the past were renewed in my head.
"I'll call you Gaignun." I remembered Rubedo telling me.
"You mean," a younger me had said, "like our cat? You wanna give me a cat's name?" Rubedo looked away for a second.
"Well, I like it. It suits you." Rubedo smiled, making an adorable expression. I had paused for a moment.
"What is that supposed to mean?" I recall whining. Rubedo walked away a bit.
"Well, you have black hair like Gaignun...and...." Rubedo turned around, an even cuter smile on his face, "and you're really cuddly and cute!"
I had paused at that moment, wondering how to receive that. Then, Rubedo started to walk away again when I got up really fast and ran towards him, wrapping my arms around his neck.
"Rubedo..." I said, he turned his head around, "I...I like the name too."
The memories were nice and simple, unlike now where there were profits and Gnosis battles and complications at every turn. Not only that, but Helmer was now talking about U-DO reawakening. That was sure to mean that Rubedo and I would be involved with Albedo somehow.
I didn't want any of that. Selfishly inside I wanted me and Rubedo alone again. With each other.
"Hey Gaignun, I'm glad you answered." Rubedo said, bringing back into reality.
"Well, what do you need?" I asked, in the same manner as always, easily hiding my feelings.
"It looks as though our 100-seres Realians are picking up the signal or a civilian ship under attack by a lot of Gnosis. Don't you think we should help them?" Rubedo's cute smile flashed on his face for another second, making me smile back.
"I don't know why you even bothered to ask." I said calmly. Rubedo nodded his head.
"That's what I thought." Rubedo looked back out towards the space in front of him.
"Ready, everyone. We're going to attack the Gnosis, put all weapons on-line and program back-up defenses in 5!" Rubedo yelled, calling off more commands than me as usual. I knew that the bridge was the wrong place for me now. Rubedo was the one who fought the Gnosis and made the plans. It kind of made me feel insignificant. I did everything having to do with money and recent occurrences. I would just slink back to my room and think about Rubedo and how much better he seemed than me and...how much I wished I could tell him about my feelings. That's all I ever seem to do lately. The thoughts just invade my head.
"Jeez...Those guys were damn lucky we were passing by. What the hell are they doing here? Well, whatever. All guns, target the Gnosis. Cut open an escape path for Elsa and annihilate the enemy!" Rubedo yelled out. by then, I was leaving the bridge on a small elevator.
As I sat down and began to relax, I felt Rubedo's emotions. He seemed to be struggling. Could it be that the Elsa was being attacked? I wanted to turn back now to comfort him, but in front of all those people and realians I was nothing.
'Rubedo...what's going on up there?' I asked him telepathically.
'Everything's fine. The Gnosis are gone and I'm letting them onboard.' Rubedo answered. I nodded to myself. It was the Elsa, the one with captain who wouldn't pay me back and his three crew members. It wasn't a burden to have them here.
So here was my room. The bed was there but it didn't mean anything to me.
"Master Gaignun!" I heard a voice from my communicator. I sat down in my chair and called the person back. It was Shelly.
"Little Master told me to inform you about the capture of the final emulator." Shelly said quietly, "and our course has been changed to go to the Foundation."
"Ah, I see." I answered, a small smile on my face. So, Rubedo was coming back?
"Thank you, that's all I need."
Shelly then said good-bye and the screen was gone. I was once again alone in my room. I would be that way still on his way to the Foundation. It's true that I felt rather alone.
"Rubedo..." I said out loud, "I am not even important anymore. I don't deserve you at all."
Later that night, I had a dream. Rubedo picked up a dead cat that has the name Gaignun on its collar and cries quietly. Then he was in a metallic hexagonal room with a hole in the middle where he was holding me and I opened his eyes.
"Don't say anything," He told me quietly, "It's all over...everything..." Suddenly, a bright light came form the hole.
"Al...bedo.." Rubedo said. Suddenly, Rubedo fell. obviously to his doom. I went to the side of the hole and reached out.
"RUBEDO!" I shouted hysterically and tears flowed down my cheeks.
Realizing it was a nightmare, I woke up with a start, my head hurting. Had Rubedo had the same dream as I did? It didn't really matter though, since today Rubedo decided to show the crew of the Elsa the Durandal. I didn't mind, he liked showing things off a lot. I would see him tonight though. I wondered to myself if I would be able to tell him what I thought. I doubted it though. I was able to keep most of my feelings away from him, but this one protruded. I felt as if there had to be some way for me to be able to tell him.
The next day, I felt like it would be generous to meet the people the Elsa had picked up that Captain Matthews and chaos had told me about. I saw the group of people walk out to where I was in the park.
"New Year's Eve is the best time to visit. The evening metropolis is quite a sight to behold with all her lights. " I said to them.
"Gaignun Kukai....The managing director of the Kukai Foundation." I heard the tall blonde cyborg say. it was then I realized what an interesting group of people this was.
"...Jr..." The annoying look red headed girl muttered.
"What was that?" I asked quickly.
"Ah, nothing. Nice to meet you." She corrected herself. I outstretched my hand to shake but instead I saw her look at it, obviously seeing the number on it, soon after shaking it. This girl was going to cause problems, I knew it.
"I heard about you situation from Captain Matthews and chaos. Is everything alright?" I asked, being sure to act friendly to everyone new to the foundation. Ignoring whatever else the girl had to say, my eyes fell upon the pink haired girl next to the cyborg. It had to be the realian that I was contacted about, her yellow eyes were a distinct factor.
"And you must be MOMO. I've received word from Juli Mizrahi of the Contact Subcommittee. We'll make sure you got to Miltia safely." I reassured her, bending down to her level, which was almost the same as Rubedo's.
"From...Mommy?" She asked, surprised. I nodded.
"Right. She told me to take good care of you." I said, getting up again.
"Can I...talk to her?" The sweet realian asked. I told her that she was busy, and she thanked me anyway. There was an odd thing about this girl though she seemed to be more human than any realian I had encountered before. I didn't care, I felt like I would say my good-byes for now so that I could talk to Rubedo about everything he missed lately. Then suddenly, I turned back, look suspiciously at the girl with glasses.
"No...couldn't be.." I dismissed it and went back.
Later, in my room, Rubedo and I were relaxing while talking about the prototype.
"That android, KOS-MOS...she's got an incredible amount of potential, you know. There's no way she's just a prototype. I'm also concerned about how she resonated with the Emulators." Rubedo said to me. I knew he was only here to talk to me about that.
"The Hilbert Effect... I heard they lost the archetype, but it looks like there's more to this than it seems... And don't forget about her engineer... What was her name? Shion? I think she might be on to us...and our powers. " I answered him. Rubedo made a sheepish smile.
"No way. She's just an ordinary human." He told me.
"Maybe not as ordinary as you think."
"I doubt it. She seems normal enough to me. I guess it's possible, though. After all, she's involved in the highest classified part of that project... The same one Helmer's involved in..." Rubedo said, going back to looking at nothing.
"The Zohar Project..." I said, finishing his sentence.
"Listen... Why don't we...lay off the Mizrahi talk for a while." He said quietly. I paused a moment.
"Hmm...concerned about that MOMO girl, are you?" I said, in an almost jealous tone. He looked at me for a second, catching my glance.
"Don't look at me like that. You think she likes being called the child of a madman? After all, we were both there when Mizrahi finally met his end. We saw what happened. You know that girl's a Realian. Her memory might be imprinted with something..."
"So you're saying the image she holds of Mizrahi is a false one?" I said, starting to feel a bit more assured.
"I don't know. That's why I want you to lay off when you're around her. At least for now, anyway." Rubedo said, getting up and looking at the door. His looking toward this little girl now began to anger me.
"If you're that concerned about her, why don't you invite her down to the beach? I'm sure it'll help take her mind off of things." I said quietly.
"Man, I said it's not like that!" Rubedo shot back. I smiled a bit as he began to leave.
"Hey..." I said quietly, getting up and remembering what I got him. I grabbed the box I had and threw it to him.
"Huh? What's this?" Jr. said, opening the box, "Man, it's a stainless-steel finish Makarov! With the original box and everything!"
"I won it at a Lion's Heart auction. It was part of their antique weapons collection." I said quietly. I didn't think he'd listen to me but at least I was saying something. But...all I needed was to see his face then, his smile and happiness.
"This isn't like you. You're up to something." Rubedo smiled.
"Not at all. I just though I'd reward you for all the hard work you've done for us recently... Have I gone too far?" I lied. Rubedo shook his head 'no'. and went back to admiring the guns.
"Don't go shooting that thing all over the place. Remember, you're older then I am. Try to act like it once in a while, all right?" I began to leave the room as Rubedo played with the guns more.
"Sweeeeet!" He cheered. I sighed deeply. Those excuses were the best I could do. If I keep doing things like this, then Rubedo will never know.
I won't let that realian take Jr. away from me.
[To Be Continued]
Author: Kurokawa/Shinichiro/Niki-sama/Oreo-sama/Billie Dammit
Warnings: Yaoi-ness! (boyxboy) If you don't like that kinda stuff, don't read it!
Disclaimer: Don't own Xenosaga or any or it's characters even though I want to.
Chapter 1: Controlling my Selfish Thoughts
There he was. My friend, my ally, my desire. I could not keep my thoughts away from him, for he knew everything I was thinking. Was it possible that he could know? He is such a lively person that he would probably have made a big deal out of it and yell it out for the whole Kukai Foundation to know. In that case, Rubedo probably had no clue that I, Gaignun Kukai, had the most awkward crush on him.
Rubedo had always been with me, as long as I knew I was alive. Sure, I had friends everywhere I looked, but that wasn't enough for me. I wanted Rubedo to notice me as not just a friend, and defiantly not his father. I wanted to be the light in his big, crystal blue eyes. I wanted to be able to embrace him and he would embrace me back. It was a fools' desire, though. Mary and Shelly would agree that it was stupid. Rubedo is just so perfect, and yet so untouchable. His personality is fierce and strong and if anything happened to taint it, I'd blame myself.
Yes, a fool's dream.
My screen turned on as my face was shown on the bridge to talk to Rubedo, who had called me up. As I even looked at the bright red hair tossing around his sweet face the memories of the past were renewed in my head.
"I'll call you Gaignun." I remembered Rubedo telling me.
"You mean," a younger me had said, "like our cat? You wanna give me a cat's name?" Rubedo looked away for a second.
"Well, I like it. It suits you." Rubedo smiled, making an adorable expression. I had paused for a moment.
"What is that supposed to mean?" I recall whining. Rubedo walked away a bit.
"Well, you have black hair like Gaignun...and...." Rubedo turned around, an even cuter smile on his face, "and you're really cuddly and cute!"
I had paused at that moment, wondering how to receive that. Then, Rubedo started to walk away again when I got up really fast and ran towards him, wrapping my arms around his neck.
"Rubedo..." I said, he turned his head around, "I...I like the name too."
The memories were nice and simple, unlike now where there were profits and Gnosis battles and complications at every turn. Not only that, but Helmer was now talking about U-DO reawakening. That was sure to mean that Rubedo and I would be involved with Albedo somehow.
I didn't want any of that. Selfishly inside I wanted me and Rubedo alone again. With each other.
"Hey Gaignun, I'm glad you answered." Rubedo said, bringing back into reality.
"Well, what do you need?" I asked, in the same manner as always, easily hiding my feelings.
"It looks as though our 100-seres Realians are picking up the signal or a civilian ship under attack by a lot of Gnosis. Don't you think we should help them?" Rubedo's cute smile flashed on his face for another second, making me smile back.
"I don't know why you even bothered to ask." I said calmly. Rubedo nodded his head.
"That's what I thought." Rubedo looked back out towards the space in front of him.
"Ready, everyone. We're going to attack the Gnosis, put all weapons on-line and program back-up defenses in 5!" Rubedo yelled, calling off more commands than me as usual. I knew that the bridge was the wrong place for me now. Rubedo was the one who fought the Gnosis and made the plans. It kind of made me feel insignificant. I did everything having to do with money and recent occurrences. I would just slink back to my room and think about Rubedo and how much better he seemed than me and...how much I wished I could tell him about my feelings. That's all I ever seem to do lately. The thoughts just invade my head.
"Jeez...Those guys were damn lucky we were passing by. What the hell are they doing here? Well, whatever. All guns, target the Gnosis. Cut open an escape path for Elsa and annihilate the enemy!" Rubedo yelled out. by then, I was leaving the bridge on a small elevator.
As I sat down and began to relax, I felt Rubedo's emotions. He seemed to be struggling. Could it be that the Elsa was being attacked? I wanted to turn back now to comfort him, but in front of all those people and realians I was nothing.
'Rubedo...what's going on up there?' I asked him telepathically.
'Everything's fine. The Gnosis are gone and I'm letting them onboard.' Rubedo answered. I nodded to myself. It was the Elsa, the one with captain who wouldn't pay me back and his three crew members. It wasn't a burden to have them here.
So here was my room. The bed was there but it didn't mean anything to me.
"Master Gaignun!" I heard a voice from my communicator. I sat down in my chair and called the person back. It was Shelly.
"Little Master told me to inform you about the capture of the final emulator." Shelly said quietly, "and our course has been changed to go to the Foundation."
"Ah, I see." I answered, a small smile on my face. So, Rubedo was coming back?
"Thank you, that's all I need."
Shelly then said good-bye and the screen was gone. I was once again alone in my room. I would be that way still on his way to the Foundation. It's true that I felt rather alone.
"Rubedo..." I said out loud, "I am not even important anymore. I don't deserve you at all."
Later that night, I had a dream. Rubedo picked up a dead cat that has the name Gaignun on its collar and cries quietly. Then he was in a metallic hexagonal room with a hole in the middle where he was holding me and I opened his eyes.
"Don't say anything," He told me quietly, "It's all over...everything..." Suddenly, a bright light came form the hole.
"Al...bedo.." Rubedo said. Suddenly, Rubedo fell. obviously to his doom. I went to the side of the hole and reached out.
"RUBEDO!" I shouted hysterically and tears flowed down my cheeks.
Realizing it was a nightmare, I woke up with a start, my head hurting. Had Rubedo had the same dream as I did? It didn't really matter though, since today Rubedo decided to show the crew of the Elsa the Durandal. I didn't mind, he liked showing things off a lot. I would see him tonight though. I wondered to myself if I would be able to tell him what I thought. I doubted it though. I was able to keep most of my feelings away from him, but this one protruded. I felt as if there had to be some way for me to be able to tell him.
The next day, I felt like it would be generous to meet the people the Elsa had picked up that Captain Matthews and chaos had told me about. I saw the group of people walk out to where I was in the park.
"New Year's Eve is the best time to visit. The evening metropolis is quite a sight to behold with all her lights. " I said to them.
"Gaignun Kukai....The managing director of the Kukai Foundation." I heard the tall blonde cyborg say. it was then I realized what an interesting group of people this was.
"...Jr..." The annoying look red headed girl muttered.
"What was that?" I asked quickly.
"Ah, nothing. Nice to meet you." She corrected herself. I outstretched my hand to shake but instead I saw her look at it, obviously seeing the number on it, soon after shaking it. This girl was going to cause problems, I knew it.
"I heard about you situation from Captain Matthews and chaos. Is everything alright?" I asked, being sure to act friendly to everyone new to the foundation. Ignoring whatever else the girl had to say, my eyes fell upon the pink haired girl next to the cyborg. It had to be the realian that I was contacted about, her yellow eyes were a distinct factor.
"And you must be MOMO. I've received word from Juli Mizrahi of the Contact Subcommittee. We'll make sure you got to Miltia safely." I reassured her, bending down to her level, which was almost the same as Rubedo's.
"From...Mommy?" She asked, surprised. I nodded.
"Right. She told me to take good care of you." I said, getting up again.
"Can I...talk to her?" The sweet realian asked. I told her that she was busy, and she thanked me anyway. There was an odd thing about this girl though she seemed to be more human than any realian I had encountered before. I didn't care, I felt like I would say my good-byes for now so that I could talk to Rubedo about everything he missed lately. Then suddenly, I turned back, look suspiciously at the girl with glasses.
"No...couldn't be.." I dismissed it and went back.
Later, in my room, Rubedo and I were relaxing while talking about the prototype.
"That android, KOS-MOS...she's got an incredible amount of potential, you know. There's no way she's just a prototype. I'm also concerned about how she resonated with the Emulators." Rubedo said to me. I knew he was only here to talk to me about that.
"The Hilbert Effect... I heard they lost the archetype, but it looks like there's more to this than it seems... And don't forget about her engineer... What was her name? Shion? I think she might be on to us...and our powers. " I answered him. Rubedo made a sheepish smile.
"No way. She's just an ordinary human." He told me.
"Maybe not as ordinary as you think."
"I doubt it. She seems normal enough to me. I guess it's possible, though. After all, she's involved in the highest classified part of that project... The same one Helmer's involved in..." Rubedo said, going back to looking at nothing.
"The Zohar Project..." I said, finishing his sentence.
"Listen... Why don't we...lay off the Mizrahi talk for a while." He said quietly. I paused a moment.
"Hmm...concerned about that MOMO girl, are you?" I said, in an almost jealous tone. He looked at me for a second, catching my glance.
"Don't look at me like that. You think she likes being called the child of a madman? After all, we were both there when Mizrahi finally met his end. We saw what happened. You know that girl's a Realian. Her memory might be imprinted with something..."
"So you're saying the image she holds of Mizrahi is a false one?" I said, starting to feel a bit more assured.
"I don't know. That's why I want you to lay off when you're around her. At least for now, anyway." Rubedo said, getting up and looking at the door. His looking toward this little girl now began to anger me.
"If you're that concerned about her, why don't you invite her down to the beach? I'm sure it'll help take her mind off of things." I said quietly.
"Man, I said it's not like that!" Rubedo shot back. I smiled a bit as he began to leave.
"Hey..." I said quietly, getting up and remembering what I got him. I grabbed the box I had and threw it to him.
"Huh? What's this?" Jr. said, opening the box, "Man, it's a stainless-steel finish Makarov! With the original box and everything!"
"I won it at a Lion's Heart auction. It was part of their antique weapons collection." I said quietly. I didn't think he'd listen to me but at least I was saying something. But...all I needed was to see his face then, his smile and happiness.
"This isn't like you. You're up to something." Rubedo smiled.
"Not at all. I just though I'd reward you for all the hard work you've done for us recently... Have I gone too far?" I lied. Rubedo shook his head 'no'. and went back to admiring the guns.
"Don't go shooting that thing all over the place. Remember, you're older then I am. Try to act like it once in a while, all right?" I began to leave the room as Rubedo played with the guns more.
"Sweeeeet!" He cheered. I sighed deeply. Those excuses were the best I could do. If I keep doing things like this, then Rubedo will never know.
I won't let that realian take Jr. away from me.
[To Be Continued]