Authors Notes: Thanks again to Courtney and Lily for their respective help
along the way. This chapter has a lot more Carby interaction and I'm
personally quite pleased with how the latter part turned out. Thank-you to
everyone who reviewed :D. And don't forget to leave a little review to let
me know how you're enjoying it, what could be improved and how the
development of my characters is. Critique is great and will help me improve
this story.
Jo - I'm glad you like Colette. I really wanted to create a similar character of Abby, for Abby to confide in - but with her mask being that of a childlike, carefree innocence. I hope that makes sense!
Huge shout out to Nette - who has been great, and is my little ER season 10 fairy ;)
Part 2
"Full trauma panel, chem. 7 and call the OR" Susan yelled out. It was another hectic day in the ER and Abby was less-than-pleased to be stuck on trauma duty all day. Getting yelled at alternately by the Doctors, who seemed to think she was their personal scuttpuppy and the constant flow of deviants, nauseates and just down right smelly patients was severely testing her patience.
"You okay?" Col asked as she entered the lounge and saw Abby's resting her head in her hands.
Looking up she tried to smile, but it took way too much effort. "Thank God I'm off in two hours."
"Matt's taking me to this new restaurant on Richmond Way tonight and then.
"I get the picture." Abby rolled her eyes at her friend's excitement. "So things are heating up between the two of you?"
"I think they are." Colette smiled secretly.
"Are you not telling me something?" Abby demanded.
"No." Col replied apparently surprised by the remark, but then said in a conspiratorially voice. "I think he wants to be exclusive!"
"Oh." Her tone reflected her surprise at something so trivial. "I thought. no. never mind." Abby said almost to herself, but it didn't matter as Colette had carried on talking, with out batting an eyelid at what she'd said.
"Five months Abby. This is the longest meaningful relationship I've had. ever!" Colette then added seriously. "We're happy together. And I think I love him."
"Love? It's a bit soon for that?"
"Yeah, but when you know you know." Colette smiled at her friends drawn expression and then went over to give her a reassuring hug. "Besides. You did tell me about the whole second date rule!"
"Abby? Are you okay?" Carter walked in the room and saw Col hugging a very solemn-looking Abby.
"She's fine. Aren't you, Ab's?" Carter had to smile at the pet name Abby hated, especially when he noted her forced smile. "She's just trying to warn me off the pitfalls of love and the whole relationship thing!"
"She's right. Slow and easy wins the race."
Colette glanced at Abby to see if she understood, but Abby merely smiled and shrugged!
"Carter?" Colette turned back to him. Her arms gestured her confusion.
"I'm just saying it doesn't hurt to wait and see how things go before you get too serious. I mean you're only young once."
"Come off it guys." Colette tried to stop her laughter. "It's not like I'm planning on getting married. I mean I've met you're ex-husband." She looked over at Abby. "And there's no way no how I'm falling into that trap."
"Huh?"
"Richard." Colette's eyes shot her a 'what-do-you-think-I-meant' look. "What a sod he was." Col pulled a face at a memory. "When did he come in?"
"I don't know." She dismissed her question, desperate to change the subject.
But this was overruled as Colette didn't seem to notice her discomfort and she relayed the story to Carter. "It was sometime last year and he came and announced he was going to be a father. Hoping that Abby would be fine about it."
"I *was* fine about it Colette," she snapped. She never called her friend by her full name but she was fuming about what she was being revealed.
"No I could see it in your eyes," Colette protested.
Abby took a breath before she spoke. "Thank you." She forced a smile to hide her anger, but it couldn't hide the hurt in her voice as she pulled herself out off the sofa, and walking with her head held high strode confidently out of the room.
~
It was as she was collecting her coat that she heard a mumbled sorry. Turning round she looked at Colette and wanted to make her squirm a little bit more.
"Colette, I know you're sorry. But I really didn't want my dirty laundry aired in public in front of a guy I haven't seen in, forever."
"I know. Abby you do forgive me don't you?"
"Yes." And to show she wasn't holding hard feelings she hugged her friend briefly. "Now go home and enjoy yourself tonight."
"Okay."
Watching Colette float as she walked away, Abby couldn't help but remember a time when she'd felt that happy. Before the fights and alternate silences, before everything started to crumble and she was helpless to stop any of it.
~
"Come on! You have to tell me who this guy is." Abby begged as they sat at the table waiting for Matt to arrive with Colette's latest blind date set- up. Col had sensed Abby was retreating into her self over the last few weeks and had taken it upon herself to take Abby out in an attempt to cheer her up. It was only at the last moment that she had told Abby about the set- up. She could tell Abby was annoyed at first, but Col made the guy sound like a dream and Abby was beginning to get excited about the night ahead.
"Just wait and see, but I promise you, you won't be disappointed." Col smiled as she looked towards the door and saw them arrive. "See. Isn't he gorgeous."
"You have to be joking." The panic started to set in her voice. Grabbing Colette's arm she shook it for attention. "Please tell me you did not set me up with Carter."
"Why not? He's."
"You want a reason?" Abby interrupted her, the fear still present in her voice as it rose in pitch with very word. "You want a reason why I can't date John Carter? Fine! Firstly, you can't set me up on a blind date with a guy I've known for over six years. Secondly, I can't be on a blind date with a guy I'm already married to."
Abby didn't even notice the shocked expression in her friends eyes, because her own were glazing over as she tried to fight back the tears she'd worked so hard to stop all those years ago
Nor did she notice that Carter and Matt had reached the table, Carter's eyes full of concern for her while Matt only looked on in confusion as she continued.
"Thirdly, if we were meant to be together we would be and a stupid argument would not have sent him packing. And finally, I don't want to sit at the same table with the only man I've opened my heart to and who then publicly broke it." She wiped away the lone tear that had escaped. It was then that she noticed the shadow across the table, looking up her eyes met with Carter's.
Panic overwhelmed her, pushing away from the table she nearly knocked over her glass in her attempt to flee.
"No. I'll go." Carter stopped Colette from following Abby. Striding out of the restaurant he saw her slight form turn the corner. She was heading towards the river.
Watching her lean out across the water, all he could think was that she looked incredible as her hair flowed behind her in the wind and it still amazed him how even the simplest glance of her could take his breath away.
"I'm sorry I didn't mean to ruin your night," he whispered as he took his place next to her, his back to the railings.
"You didn't ruin it. I did. You should just go back."
"What? And let the night sky have you all to himself. I don't think so."
"You always come out with the corniest lines." A half-laugh escaped from her mouth
"And you always run away," he said resignedly.
"I don't want to do this now."
"So when's a good time for you?"
"John, leave it." Rolling her eyes, she saw him move to face her.
"You didn't want to deal with it three years ago. So? You want to wait another three years?"
"No. I just." She struggled to find her words. "Not tonight. please."
"You mean our anniversary. You don't want to ruin our perfect and, only anniversary that we've actually spent together." She could hear the bitterness creep into his tone.
"I didn't mean it that way."
He angrily carried on over her words. "It's been three years since we eloped in Las Vegas, and yet tonight was the first night that you told somebody. And in one hell of a way too!"
"I didn't mean for things to turn out that way. I just.you." Again she was stuttering trying to work out what the right words were and how to say them. "It was all to quick. It overwhelmed me. And I didn't know how to deal with it."
"With it? With IT?!" His voice grew louder with each word. "It was a child, our child!"
"I know that," she bit out furiously. "Our child and I lost it. You don't think I don't relive that moment, every hour of every day. You don't think I blame myself. Hate myself because I was stupid enough to get pregnant and then even stupider to get married to a guy who felt responsible."
"So that's the only reason you married me?"
"Oh you would love to believe that wouldn't you?" Her eyebrows furrowed together as her arms gestured furiously.
"Well at this moment I can't think of another reason why you would have wanted to marry me."
"Try love! Try commitment! Try security and comfort and knowing that you made me feel safer and happier than anybody I have ever known." She felt stupid at admitting these words, yet she carried on yelling at him anyway. Pushing her hair back from her face she turned away from him. "You don't understand.." She glanced up allowing him to hold her gaze. "Everything just got so confusing."
They just stood there their eyes communicating more than words ever could. She could tell he was calming down, his voice of sanity was telling him things she didn't want him to think: didn't want him to even think could have been true because it would only be half right and would make her more vulnerable than was already feeling.
"So? How was Cleveland?"
He bit down on his lip, his head shaking at the blatant change of conversation. But if this is how she wanted to play things, then sure he'd let her. For now.
"It was good. The people are nice. The city isn't as beautiful as Chicago and it has one huge flaw."
"Oh?"
"Yeah a certain woman refused to come with me." Well walked straight into that one, Abby mused.
"Don't start with me Carter."
"We could have had a fresh start," he said, exasperated.
"That's not what I wanted." She mumbled.
Looking into his eyes she began. "I felt guilty. I didn't want that baby. I mean I loved it and what it represented I just I wasn't prepared for what it might turn into, you know I don't think I could have handled it being another Maggie or Eric."
She paused for a moment and then whispered. "That I would be a failure again." Biting her bottom lip, her feelings were on full display. "But then I lost it and I lost part of myself and I lost you and I was a failure anyway. I failed you and I didn't even give it a chance.
But you didn't know how I felt, and how could I tell you I didn't want that child? But afterwards, after the accident, you seemed distant like you were retreating from me, it was like you knew what I had done, how I'd felt and that you wanted to get away from me. I know you said that moving away would give us a fresh start and a chance to let go of the memories and begin a new life, but I didn't deserve that from you. And then you left anyway." Forcing a smile she looked up at him. She'd said way too much in her outburst. "I gotta go."
"Abby, wait." He grabbed her arms in an attempt to stop her, but she shrugged him off.
Shaking her head at him she called over her shoulder. "You did the right thing in leaving. Don't make a mistake in coming back." And she left, hoping he wouldn't follow her as she walked away.
As she made her way back to the El, her stomach tying in knots made it difficult to move, her legs only barely managing to keep her upright. Spying a bench on the other side of the road she crossed over and collapsed. The tears that had only threatened before were now spilling out, her gasping sobs echoing through the empty streets.
~
"Hey, you." Carter said softly, his voice drifting over the road where he could see Abby sobbing her heart out. Crossing over he watched her compose herself, rebuilding the walls that had softened under her tears.
"I thought I told you to go," she choked out miserably.
"Yeah, I know you did, but you know I'm as stubborn as you when it comes to my decisions." He felt relieved when a small laugh broke out. "But seriously Abby we do need to talk."
Sitting beside her on the bench he reached over and took her hand in his. It was only a small gesture, but it spoke volumes.
"I don't know."
"You don't know?"
"I don't know if I can handle it right now." Bowing her head, her loose hair hung down hiding her face.
"What happened with us, Abby? After the miscarriage we just stopped communicating. You couldn't bear to be near me," he said, the hurt he had felt was evident as he spoke; and moved her hair away from her face.
"I thought you blamed me." Turning out of his eye line, she needed to be away from his assessing gaze and his silence confirmed this statement in her mind.
After a few uneasy moments she pushed her back the hair that had slipped back over her eyes and prepared herself to face him. Face him and whatever he had to throw at her.
But she wasn't prepared for what she saw. The tears in his eyes shocked her, not once after she lost the baby had she seen him cry. He'd been strong to the point of frustration; she hadn't given much thought to how he was handling it and the façade he may have built up for her.
"John?" She whispered. Closing the gap between them she rested her hand on his cheek but he flinched at her touch so she pulled back swiftly. "I'm sorry. I shouldn't have done that."
"No." He grabbed back her hand and cradled it between his own, his thumb absently circling the soft skin on the top of her hand. "Abby I wanted to be strong for you. It just backfired."
"It backfired? You chose strength against honesty?! You wanted a new start and I just wanted time to get through the hard part." Dropping her eyes from his probing gaze, she watched in fascination as his hands continued to caress her own.
Slowly he stopped holding her hand with his right, using it instead to lift her gaze back to his.
~
He couldn't bear to watch her being in so much pain. Tonight was bringing back a flood of memories, which had been left behind only surfacing in the darkest dreams and the loneliest of nights.
"I just wanted to make things better. You were drawing away from me and I wanted to get you back."
"It was just timing Carter." He heard her slight voice crack.
"Timing?" He asked, the absurdity of the phrase registering in his mind.
"You know. The timing counts for everything." His chest compressed as she snatched back her hand.
"I don't understand."
She looked into his eyes and said. "Sure you do. Every time you do any kind of task you have to get the timing right. Otherwise it all goes wrong."
"That's utter crap and you know it."
"Do I?" He watched her turn away from him again. Her soft voice had barely reached him, but struck the optimal chords.
"Abby." He tried to grab back her attention.
"I'm sorry. I. John. I just can't deal with this. I thought I'd gotten past this, gotten over you. But it's just so hard." She stood up and began pacing around the small area she had claimed as her own and managed to avoid both his gaze and his body as she went. "I put up this huge show for everyone when you left. It was like I had to show them I was okay and in doing that, show you that I was fine even though you weren't around to see it."
Abby finally gained the courage to look up at him her brow furrowed with puzzlement. "Why did you come back John?"
"To find out."
"Find out what?" Her voice broke.
"Where we stand. I wanted to know if we could give it another shot, or if it would be better to just give up the ghost and finally move on."
"So why now?" she whispered as she sat next to him. "After three years, what made you decide it was now time?"
"Gamma's ill," he said simply, yet his tone spoke volumes and it took all Abby's willpower not to pull him into her arms and comfort him. She knew his grandmother had always been his lifeline, his one link to a happy family and now he was losing her.
"I'm sorry John, I didn't know."
"Well how could you? It's not like we're together." There was an edge to his words, which he quickly dispelled as he took her hands in his. "I still love you Abby, but I can't go on like this. So just say the word and I'll be gone from your life. I'll still care for you and think about you all the time, but this isn't healthy.
If Gamma's illness has shown me one thing it's that I have to sort my life out. I need to know if you're going to be a part of it." He paused as he realised what his next step would be, he didn't want to go through with it and hurt her again, but this was something he needed to do for himself, he was giving her a choice - something he couldn't and didn't want to decide for her. "I got my lawyers to draw up divorce papers, but it's up to you Abby. I understand if you don't love me anymore, that's a possibility I've been able to come to terms with. I just need to know what you want."
"What do you think I want?" She murmured loudly enough for him to hear clearly.
"Christ, Abby! If I knew that, I wouldn't be asking!" He snapped.
Turning his head towards her he immediately regretted his actions. Her eyes were reluctantly letting tears softly fall down her cheek. Reaching over he used his thumb to gently caress her face and clear the tears away.
"I thought about you constantly," he said softly.
"I missed you so much." Her voice matched his own.
Then added softly, so softly that what she spoke could have been mistaken for the light breeze. "I love you, John."
Leaning into his touch, her head found its way to the nook on his shoulder. There she stayed for barely a few moments, her eyes closed as she inhaled his scent, but it was long enough to feel comforted.
Lifting her head she gazed back into his eyes and smiled. "Can I call you tomorrow?" Rising slowly from the bench, she was emotionally tired and needed to go home and sort out the thoughts that had begun to rampage through her mind.
"Abby." He started, but the soft look she gave stopped him and he merely nodded.
As she walked away he called after her. "Can I give you a ride home?"
"Thanks, but I'll take the El."
Jo - I'm glad you like Colette. I really wanted to create a similar character of Abby, for Abby to confide in - but with her mask being that of a childlike, carefree innocence. I hope that makes sense!
Huge shout out to Nette - who has been great, and is my little ER season 10 fairy ;)
Part 2
"Full trauma panel, chem. 7 and call the OR" Susan yelled out. It was another hectic day in the ER and Abby was less-than-pleased to be stuck on trauma duty all day. Getting yelled at alternately by the Doctors, who seemed to think she was their personal scuttpuppy and the constant flow of deviants, nauseates and just down right smelly patients was severely testing her patience.
"You okay?" Col asked as she entered the lounge and saw Abby's resting her head in her hands.
Looking up she tried to smile, but it took way too much effort. "Thank God I'm off in two hours."
"Matt's taking me to this new restaurant on Richmond Way tonight and then.
"I get the picture." Abby rolled her eyes at her friend's excitement. "So things are heating up between the two of you?"
"I think they are." Colette smiled secretly.
"Are you not telling me something?" Abby demanded.
"No." Col replied apparently surprised by the remark, but then said in a conspiratorially voice. "I think he wants to be exclusive!"
"Oh." Her tone reflected her surprise at something so trivial. "I thought. no. never mind." Abby said almost to herself, but it didn't matter as Colette had carried on talking, with out batting an eyelid at what she'd said.
"Five months Abby. This is the longest meaningful relationship I've had. ever!" Colette then added seriously. "We're happy together. And I think I love him."
"Love? It's a bit soon for that?"
"Yeah, but when you know you know." Colette smiled at her friends drawn expression and then went over to give her a reassuring hug. "Besides. You did tell me about the whole second date rule!"
"Abby? Are you okay?" Carter walked in the room and saw Col hugging a very solemn-looking Abby.
"She's fine. Aren't you, Ab's?" Carter had to smile at the pet name Abby hated, especially when he noted her forced smile. "She's just trying to warn me off the pitfalls of love and the whole relationship thing!"
"She's right. Slow and easy wins the race."
Colette glanced at Abby to see if she understood, but Abby merely smiled and shrugged!
"Carter?" Colette turned back to him. Her arms gestured her confusion.
"I'm just saying it doesn't hurt to wait and see how things go before you get too serious. I mean you're only young once."
"Come off it guys." Colette tried to stop her laughter. "It's not like I'm planning on getting married. I mean I've met you're ex-husband." She looked over at Abby. "And there's no way no how I'm falling into that trap."
"Huh?"
"Richard." Colette's eyes shot her a 'what-do-you-think-I-meant' look. "What a sod he was." Col pulled a face at a memory. "When did he come in?"
"I don't know." She dismissed her question, desperate to change the subject.
But this was overruled as Colette didn't seem to notice her discomfort and she relayed the story to Carter. "It was sometime last year and he came and announced he was going to be a father. Hoping that Abby would be fine about it."
"I *was* fine about it Colette," she snapped. She never called her friend by her full name but she was fuming about what she was being revealed.
"No I could see it in your eyes," Colette protested.
Abby took a breath before she spoke. "Thank you." She forced a smile to hide her anger, but it couldn't hide the hurt in her voice as she pulled herself out off the sofa, and walking with her head held high strode confidently out of the room.
~
It was as she was collecting her coat that she heard a mumbled sorry. Turning round she looked at Colette and wanted to make her squirm a little bit more.
"Colette, I know you're sorry. But I really didn't want my dirty laundry aired in public in front of a guy I haven't seen in, forever."
"I know. Abby you do forgive me don't you?"
"Yes." And to show she wasn't holding hard feelings she hugged her friend briefly. "Now go home and enjoy yourself tonight."
"Okay."
Watching Colette float as she walked away, Abby couldn't help but remember a time when she'd felt that happy. Before the fights and alternate silences, before everything started to crumble and she was helpless to stop any of it.
~
"Come on! You have to tell me who this guy is." Abby begged as they sat at the table waiting for Matt to arrive with Colette's latest blind date set- up. Col had sensed Abby was retreating into her self over the last few weeks and had taken it upon herself to take Abby out in an attempt to cheer her up. It was only at the last moment that she had told Abby about the set- up. She could tell Abby was annoyed at first, but Col made the guy sound like a dream and Abby was beginning to get excited about the night ahead.
"Just wait and see, but I promise you, you won't be disappointed." Col smiled as she looked towards the door and saw them arrive. "See. Isn't he gorgeous."
"You have to be joking." The panic started to set in her voice. Grabbing Colette's arm she shook it for attention. "Please tell me you did not set me up with Carter."
"Why not? He's."
"You want a reason?" Abby interrupted her, the fear still present in her voice as it rose in pitch with very word. "You want a reason why I can't date John Carter? Fine! Firstly, you can't set me up on a blind date with a guy I've known for over six years. Secondly, I can't be on a blind date with a guy I'm already married to."
Abby didn't even notice the shocked expression in her friends eyes, because her own were glazing over as she tried to fight back the tears she'd worked so hard to stop all those years ago
Nor did she notice that Carter and Matt had reached the table, Carter's eyes full of concern for her while Matt only looked on in confusion as she continued.
"Thirdly, if we were meant to be together we would be and a stupid argument would not have sent him packing. And finally, I don't want to sit at the same table with the only man I've opened my heart to and who then publicly broke it." She wiped away the lone tear that had escaped. It was then that she noticed the shadow across the table, looking up her eyes met with Carter's.
Panic overwhelmed her, pushing away from the table she nearly knocked over her glass in her attempt to flee.
"No. I'll go." Carter stopped Colette from following Abby. Striding out of the restaurant he saw her slight form turn the corner. She was heading towards the river.
Watching her lean out across the water, all he could think was that she looked incredible as her hair flowed behind her in the wind and it still amazed him how even the simplest glance of her could take his breath away.
"I'm sorry I didn't mean to ruin your night," he whispered as he took his place next to her, his back to the railings.
"You didn't ruin it. I did. You should just go back."
"What? And let the night sky have you all to himself. I don't think so."
"You always come out with the corniest lines." A half-laugh escaped from her mouth
"And you always run away," he said resignedly.
"I don't want to do this now."
"So when's a good time for you?"
"John, leave it." Rolling her eyes, she saw him move to face her.
"You didn't want to deal with it three years ago. So? You want to wait another three years?"
"No. I just." She struggled to find her words. "Not tonight. please."
"You mean our anniversary. You don't want to ruin our perfect and, only anniversary that we've actually spent together." She could hear the bitterness creep into his tone.
"I didn't mean it that way."
He angrily carried on over her words. "It's been three years since we eloped in Las Vegas, and yet tonight was the first night that you told somebody. And in one hell of a way too!"
"I didn't mean for things to turn out that way. I just.you." Again she was stuttering trying to work out what the right words were and how to say them. "It was all to quick. It overwhelmed me. And I didn't know how to deal with it."
"With it? With IT?!" His voice grew louder with each word. "It was a child, our child!"
"I know that," she bit out furiously. "Our child and I lost it. You don't think I don't relive that moment, every hour of every day. You don't think I blame myself. Hate myself because I was stupid enough to get pregnant and then even stupider to get married to a guy who felt responsible."
"So that's the only reason you married me?"
"Oh you would love to believe that wouldn't you?" Her eyebrows furrowed together as her arms gestured furiously.
"Well at this moment I can't think of another reason why you would have wanted to marry me."
"Try love! Try commitment! Try security and comfort and knowing that you made me feel safer and happier than anybody I have ever known." She felt stupid at admitting these words, yet she carried on yelling at him anyway. Pushing her hair back from her face she turned away from him. "You don't understand.." She glanced up allowing him to hold her gaze. "Everything just got so confusing."
They just stood there their eyes communicating more than words ever could. She could tell he was calming down, his voice of sanity was telling him things she didn't want him to think: didn't want him to even think could have been true because it would only be half right and would make her more vulnerable than was already feeling.
"So? How was Cleveland?"
He bit down on his lip, his head shaking at the blatant change of conversation. But if this is how she wanted to play things, then sure he'd let her. For now.
"It was good. The people are nice. The city isn't as beautiful as Chicago and it has one huge flaw."
"Oh?"
"Yeah a certain woman refused to come with me." Well walked straight into that one, Abby mused.
"Don't start with me Carter."
"We could have had a fresh start," he said, exasperated.
"That's not what I wanted." She mumbled.
Looking into his eyes she began. "I felt guilty. I didn't want that baby. I mean I loved it and what it represented I just I wasn't prepared for what it might turn into, you know I don't think I could have handled it being another Maggie or Eric."
She paused for a moment and then whispered. "That I would be a failure again." Biting her bottom lip, her feelings were on full display. "But then I lost it and I lost part of myself and I lost you and I was a failure anyway. I failed you and I didn't even give it a chance.
But you didn't know how I felt, and how could I tell you I didn't want that child? But afterwards, after the accident, you seemed distant like you were retreating from me, it was like you knew what I had done, how I'd felt and that you wanted to get away from me. I know you said that moving away would give us a fresh start and a chance to let go of the memories and begin a new life, but I didn't deserve that from you. And then you left anyway." Forcing a smile she looked up at him. She'd said way too much in her outburst. "I gotta go."
"Abby, wait." He grabbed her arms in an attempt to stop her, but she shrugged him off.
Shaking her head at him she called over her shoulder. "You did the right thing in leaving. Don't make a mistake in coming back." And she left, hoping he wouldn't follow her as she walked away.
As she made her way back to the El, her stomach tying in knots made it difficult to move, her legs only barely managing to keep her upright. Spying a bench on the other side of the road she crossed over and collapsed. The tears that had only threatened before were now spilling out, her gasping sobs echoing through the empty streets.
~
"Hey, you." Carter said softly, his voice drifting over the road where he could see Abby sobbing her heart out. Crossing over he watched her compose herself, rebuilding the walls that had softened under her tears.
"I thought I told you to go," she choked out miserably.
"Yeah, I know you did, but you know I'm as stubborn as you when it comes to my decisions." He felt relieved when a small laugh broke out. "But seriously Abby we do need to talk."
Sitting beside her on the bench he reached over and took her hand in his. It was only a small gesture, but it spoke volumes.
"I don't know."
"You don't know?"
"I don't know if I can handle it right now." Bowing her head, her loose hair hung down hiding her face.
"What happened with us, Abby? After the miscarriage we just stopped communicating. You couldn't bear to be near me," he said, the hurt he had felt was evident as he spoke; and moved her hair away from her face.
"I thought you blamed me." Turning out of his eye line, she needed to be away from his assessing gaze and his silence confirmed this statement in her mind.
After a few uneasy moments she pushed her back the hair that had slipped back over her eyes and prepared herself to face him. Face him and whatever he had to throw at her.
But she wasn't prepared for what she saw. The tears in his eyes shocked her, not once after she lost the baby had she seen him cry. He'd been strong to the point of frustration; she hadn't given much thought to how he was handling it and the façade he may have built up for her.
"John?" She whispered. Closing the gap between them she rested her hand on his cheek but he flinched at her touch so she pulled back swiftly. "I'm sorry. I shouldn't have done that."
"No." He grabbed back her hand and cradled it between his own, his thumb absently circling the soft skin on the top of her hand. "Abby I wanted to be strong for you. It just backfired."
"It backfired? You chose strength against honesty?! You wanted a new start and I just wanted time to get through the hard part." Dropping her eyes from his probing gaze, she watched in fascination as his hands continued to caress her own.
Slowly he stopped holding her hand with his right, using it instead to lift her gaze back to his.
~
He couldn't bear to watch her being in so much pain. Tonight was bringing back a flood of memories, which had been left behind only surfacing in the darkest dreams and the loneliest of nights.
"I just wanted to make things better. You were drawing away from me and I wanted to get you back."
"It was just timing Carter." He heard her slight voice crack.
"Timing?" He asked, the absurdity of the phrase registering in his mind.
"You know. The timing counts for everything." His chest compressed as she snatched back her hand.
"I don't understand."
She looked into his eyes and said. "Sure you do. Every time you do any kind of task you have to get the timing right. Otherwise it all goes wrong."
"That's utter crap and you know it."
"Do I?" He watched her turn away from him again. Her soft voice had barely reached him, but struck the optimal chords.
"Abby." He tried to grab back her attention.
"I'm sorry. I. John. I just can't deal with this. I thought I'd gotten past this, gotten over you. But it's just so hard." She stood up and began pacing around the small area she had claimed as her own and managed to avoid both his gaze and his body as she went. "I put up this huge show for everyone when you left. It was like I had to show them I was okay and in doing that, show you that I was fine even though you weren't around to see it."
Abby finally gained the courage to look up at him her brow furrowed with puzzlement. "Why did you come back John?"
"To find out."
"Find out what?" Her voice broke.
"Where we stand. I wanted to know if we could give it another shot, or if it would be better to just give up the ghost and finally move on."
"So why now?" she whispered as she sat next to him. "After three years, what made you decide it was now time?"
"Gamma's ill," he said simply, yet his tone spoke volumes and it took all Abby's willpower not to pull him into her arms and comfort him. She knew his grandmother had always been his lifeline, his one link to a happy family and now he was losing her.
"I'm sorry John, I didn't know."
"Well how could you? It's not like we're together." There was an edge to his words, which he quickly dispelled as he took her hands in his. "I still love you Abby, but I can't go on like this. So just say the word and I'll be gone from your life. I'll still care for you and think about you all the time, but this isn't healthy.
If Gamma's illness has shown me one thing it's that I have to sort my life out. I need to know if you're going to be a part of it." He paused as he realised what his next step would be, he didn't want to go through with it and hurt her again, but this was something he needed to do for himself, he was giving her a choice - something he couldn't and didn't want to decide for her. "I got my lawyers to draw up divorce papers, but it's up to you Abby. I understand if you don't love me anymore, that's a possibility I've been able to come to terms with. I just need to know what you want."
"What do you think I want?" She murmured loudly enough for him to hear clearly.
"Christ, Abby! If I knew that, I wouldn't be asking!" He snapped.
Turning his head towards her he immediately regretted his actions. Her eyes were reluctantly letting tears softly fall down her cheek. Reaching over he used his thumb to gently caress her face and clear the tears away.
"I thought about you constantly," he said softly.
"I missed you so much." Her voice matched his own.
Then added softly, so softly that what she spoke could have been mistaken for the light breeze. "I love you, John."
Leaning into his touch, her head found its way to the nook on his shoulder. There she stayed for barely a few moments, her eyes closed as she inhaled his scent, but it was long enough to feel comforted.
Lifting her head she gazed back into his eyes and smiled. "Can I call you tomorrow?" Rising slowly from the bench, she was emotionally tired and needed to go home and sort out the thoughts that had begun to rampage through her mind.
"Abby." He started, but the soft look she gave stopped him and he merely nodded.
As she walked away he called after her. "Can I give you a ride home?"
"Thanks, but I'll take the El."