Author's notes: I know it's been a while since I updated this. To be honest it has been done since I posted the last chapter, I just haven't had chance to proof read it until now. I'd like to thank Court for the initial proofreading and Lil' Miss Lily for her ideas and help. Since this chapter is 4000+ words long and I don't have time yet to look at the second part, I've split it into 2 and here's part a – hope it was worth the wait.
Part 3a"I'm such an idiot." He paced around the lounge with Susan looking on. "I can't believe I did that to her again."
All Susan could do was watch him as he nervously ran his fingers through his hair, her eyes asking the 'What?' question that she didn't feel was necessary to voice.
"I told her I wanted a divorce… I don't want a divorce," he confirmed more to himself than to Susan.
~
"I ran again. I can't believe that I left him again."
Abby sat on her sofa, the coffee she clutched between her hands had long gone cold, with Colette hovering over her like a mother hen.
"Will you sit down, you're making me nervous." Abby's control was staring to slip and Colette's pacing wasn't helping.
"I'm sorry I set things up the way I did last night." Colette said as she sat next to her. "If I'd known things were how they were between you I wouldn't…"
"It's okay." Abby interrupted her. "You weren't to know, nobody knew… It isn't exactly the kind of thing you want to shout about from the roof tops."
Smiling reassuringly, Colette went on to ask. "So what did he say?"
"That he loved me, but he wanted a divorce."
~
"So you think I blew it?" He tentatively asked.
"I don't know. How did she look when she left?"
"I don't know. But she said she'd call me today… That's a good sign right?"
~
"He still loves me, in spite of everything else, all the crap that has been thrown at us; he said he still loved me." She smiled at the girl sitting next to her. "But I still don't get it."
"Honey." Colette reached over and gave her a slight hug. "What's not to get? Obviously the guy's completely besotted with you; I mean he jumped at the chance to go out with you last night. I just assumed it was your humorous wit and sparkling personality, you know the way you made him feel like he was part of the ER family." Nudging Abby with her elbow, she tried to make her friend laugh.
"You don't get it. I haven't told you… I didn't even tell him." Looking at Colette she chose her next words slowly. The accident hadn't been her fault, but she couldn't help subconsciously thinking that it was because of doubts and anxieties that it happened.
~
"You just threw a hell of a lot of information at her." Susan began. "Maybe she just needs time to sift through it."
"She thinks I blame her for the miscarriage, Like I could ever do that, if anything it was my fault." His head began to spin as he remembered that day. "She'd just washed all the curtains in our new apartment. I was working a double… I'd told her I'd hang them… but you know Abby, stubborn to the core. She wanted the apartment looking good for when I got home." He paused for a moment remembering the heart-wrenching look she gave him as he'd entered her hospital room. She'd been taken to Northwestern as County had been closed to trauma, which meant no one had known nor found out that they were either married or that she was pregnant.
~
"That's when all the arguing started. Just little things at first; he would say something, which would start me off." Abby spoke, not noticing the tears slipping down her cheeks. "I didn't want to hurt him…"
~
"So I suggested we move, start afresh. Where no one knew what happened and the memories wouldn't be there reminding us of what could have been."
~
"I didn't want that. I felt guilty enough that I'd lost his child and then he wanted to move away… For me… I didn't deserve any of that." Abby sat silent for a few moments, trying to compose herself.
"What do you want to do?"
"What?" Abby was unsure of Colette's meaning.
"About the divorce? You do still love him don't you? Or are these tears for something else?"
"You don't think it's too late?"
~
"It's never too late Carter."
"So I should tell her. Lay all my cards out on the table… But what if she rejects me again. I don't think that's something I could handle." Looking over at Susan he searched her eyes for reassurance.
"To be honest, I don't know how she's going to react, but you have to take a chance and hope that everything works out."
~
"I have to find him."
*
"Hey." Her soft voice echoed across the rooftop. "Susan said you were up here."
Her eyes frowned, as she got closer, noticing how tired and defeated he seemed. "What happened? Are you okay?"
"Yeah, I'm good. Busy day, though."
Abby walked purposefully towards him. The seriousness etched on her face worried him slightly, but remembering his promise to Susan, he was going to tell her everything and hope that the outcome would be positive.
Pulling out the deck chair next to his, she sat opposite and smiled. The same smile that he'd missed out on for so long, and an involuntary smile appeared on his face, mirroring hers.
"I've been thinking."
"Oh?" He replied cautiously, unsure of her motives, even though her presence here seemed positive.
"About what you said."
"You mean the divorce?" he offered quietly, he knew that had been a mistake the moment the word had left his mouth
'The divorce', the harsh word ran through her mind, her stomach churning at the implications. Last night, she had barely heard those words; her focus was on the fact that despite everything she'd said and done, he was still in love with her. So she asked cautiously, "You want a divorce?"
"No!" he reacted quickly over her words, aware that for the second time in as many days, he'd said the wrong thing. "I didn't mean to say it that way…"
Getting out of his chair, he pulled Abby to her feet; gazing into her eyes he began to recite the speech he'd been planning for most of the day.
"Abby. I'm sorry. I didn't mean to hurt you." He watched her nod in understanding and appreciated her willingness to listen to him. "Its just… so much time has passed and I didn't know how to reach you. Then with Gamma getting ill and the vacancy at County. It just seemed the right time to come back. You know, like fate had thrown me a lifeline – so I had to take it.
I hated how we left things – you were mad at me and I should never have spoken to you the way I did. It just made me so frustrated that I couldn't reach you. No matter what I said or did."
"It's not your fault, John." She sensed how frustrated he still was, a feeling that she had blocked out at the time, but was now quite evident. Reaching up her right hand, she caressed his cheek soothingly. "I don't think you could have said anything. I just needed time."
"Do you think you've had enough time?" he whispered, not wanting to scare her.
"I think so… I think we still need to talk, though."
"Talking is good." Carter smiled at their breakthrough.
Abby laughed nervously, nodding her head she replied. "Yes, it is."
"How about we go for coffee? On me?" He asked hopefully.
Glancing down at her watch, Abby looked back up at him regretfully. "My shift starts in 20 minutes." Noticing his look of disappointment, she hastily added, "I'm only working a half shift, so I could meet you at Doc's at 6:10 or so?"
"I need check on Gamma, but I could pick you up later, at 7:00? We could go for dinner."
"Sounds great," she replied, and she could see the relief in his eyes.
~
She nervously paced her living room, He wouldn't be mad at her – he didn't have the right. He would just be disappointed.
On her way back from work, Abby had realized that Carter wouldn't know where to pick her up. She had moved out of their shared apartment, giving up the lease, only a few months after he'd gone. Upon realizing this, she'd left a message on his mobile with directions to get to her apartment. She just hoped he'd gotten it.
Carter's knocking stopped Abby's pacing. Moving towards the door she checked the peephole before opening.
"I wasn't sure if you'd find the place or not." Abby figured she would get this discussion over with quickly, not wanting to tarnish the rest of the night.
Letting him in, she closed the door softly behind him and leant on it for support as she watched him walk to the center of the kitchen/living room.
"I see you kept most of our furniture," he finally said, after he'd surveyed the place for a few moments.
"It didn't all fit."
"It managed to fit into our apartment," he stated matter-of-factly, though he wasn't quite sure how he should be feeling right now.
"I couldn't afford our apartment."
"I sent you the money to pay for the rent. If I'd known you'd had to move here I'd have…"
"-You'd have what?" she interrupted him, suppressing her feelings of anger at his gall and working to sound calm and collected. "John, I couldn't take your money."
"You're my wife, Abby. What's mine is yours and vice versa," he said, exasperated. The neighbourhood where she'd moved wasn't crime-ridden by any means, but he still didn't like the thought that she had been walking these streets alone at night.
"But we weren't together." She tried to make him see it from her point of view. "I felt bad enough as it was. I couldn't take your money and I couldn't afford to live there on my salary. Besides…"
She stopped mid-sentence, not sure if she should continue.
"Besides what?" Carter watched as she moved to sit on the couch and he wasn't sure if she'd even heard him. Crossing the room, he sat on the coffee table opposite her. As he looked into her eyes he saw her mask was once again in place. "I didn't do it to offend you, Abby. I just… this was the only way I could think of to make you feel secure and happy… I just wanted you to have one less thing to worry about."
"I know you did." Her voice was quiet when she finally answered him. "I couldn't live there, though… it held too many memories… It was so lonely and quiet after you'd gone… and it just didn't feel right living there."
He hadn't even thought of that; he'd just put enough money into her account every month to make sure she could afford the rent. "I'm sorry, Abby, I didn't think. But why didn't you use the money to get a better place?"
"Pride's a funny thing." She nervously bit on her bottom lip as she spoke.
"So you're living here because of pride?" His frustration was evident as he spoke.
Abby reached across and took his hands in hers; her eyes meeting his as she spoke softly. "John, I couldn't live there and I couldn't take your money. This is the best I could afford… You know, what's done is done," she half laughed as she finished. "It can't be undone."
She let him think for a moment before she'd had enough of the silence. Dropping his hands, she got up and went to get her coat. When she turned back to him, he was still sitting there, staring into space.
John really didn't have an answer for her. He'd wanted to reach out to her and let her know he was still there for her, but she was right. Turning to watch her, he saw that she was smiling at him. He remembered how much he'd loved how her eyes sparkled when she looked at him.
"Come on, let's go eat… I'm starving!" she said playfully in an attempt to get rid of the unwanted tension.
2nd Authors note: Did you notice my SPA shout out? I wasn't going to keep it, but Court said it be would fun!
I have a few queries about an older fic of mine, so for those of you who have read my 'Trouble With Happiness' fic over at Lyns's site or The Lounge, an epilogue/Chapter 10 is in the works, but it isn't that good, so at the moment it's staying right where it is.