Disclaimer: I don't own Homunculus, or the Philosopher's Stone, though that
would be nice. I do own all the characters like Kamose, Isis, Ra etc.
Anyone who didn't appear in the game. The beginning quote if from a song,
and I don't remember what it's called. I just know it isn't mine. Good
enough for ya?
***Okay, I thought this section would be the last when dealing with Kamose. Well it isn't. This part of Homunculus' history is too important for me to just skip through quickly. So the third part of this section will be posted after another 'interlude' chapter, both of which will be as angsty as I can make them. So enjoy. ***
Resurrecting the Shadow of Memories
A Shadow of Destiny Fanfic
"I'm afraid I'm starting to feel what I said I would not do."
So I stayed. For ten years I stayed with Kamose and his family, teaching everything I knew to him. Like he said, most of my time was given to this, but I was permitted an hour or so to myself everyday, and of course, unlike myself, Kamose slept at night. So I would often take the opportunity to wander round the Egyptian village he inhabited.
Egypt was a fascinating place in the third century, even by my high standards. The rich culture and way of life of the people brought back a nagging envy of humans that I thought I had buried a long time ago. I liked the idea of having eternal, and having my magic. But I despised my physical weakness, and was terribly jealous of the humans I lived amongst. And of course, that was why all these feelings were returning. Living with humans did this to me. I would become entangled in their emotions until I eventually began to feel them myself. The young boy, Ra, desired above all things to be a famous warrior, fighting for his Pharaoh. I longed for even the possibility of fighting with something other than magic.
I had neglected to tell Kamose that I didn't sleep, and so I was unnecessarily given a bed in which to rest. I say a bed, though it was more a bundle of straw covered with a blanket. I didn't want him to know I didn't sleep, in case he used that in some way so that I wouldn't be able to escape, however briefly, and have a few moments to myself once again.
But that first night I didn't go anywhere. Long after it was dark outside, with nothing but the sound of crickets outside, and the cool air of the desert drifting through the house, I stood and stared at the bed that had actually been made... for me.
No one had ever made me anything before.
Thinking back very carefully, I was astonished by the hospitality with which Kamose and the two children were treating me. I would never, in all my existence, expect a master to provide for me.
And answer a request of mine as well. I had asked Kamose, as soon as I had the opportunity, if he would hide away the Philosopher's Stone.
"What makes it so important?"
"It is simply a tool by which I am summoned," I explained. "I do not think either of us would wish it to fall into the hands of another."
"You would deny me the possibility of using this stone? Do you have any idea of its powers?"
"Yes, you have told me several times," I said, annoyed and not wanting another lecture. "But if someone were to see it..." I shrugged. "Who knows what will happen."
"They cannot take you away," he insisted, though rather uncertainly.
I glared at him, not liking the fact that I was being referred to more as a possession than anything else. "If you wish to take that risk, it suits me fine. But if that stone is used elsewhere, I will belong to someone else, and our deal is broken."
"Why would anyone want to-"
"I thought you alchemists were meant to be intelligent," I snapped. "If /anyone/ sees that stone, human greed will do the rest. Most people won't care about its powers. It's wealth they will be concerned with. You must hide it. Or I leave, whether I want to or not."
"But you can't leave."
I stood there, wishing desperately that I could pummel him into the ground. Somehow I didn't have the heart to use magic against him. I suppose there was a strange sense of duty. He was my 'master' after all. Besides, he was holding the stone in his hand, and I didn't want to risk it being dropped and broken
I was about to speak when Kamose shook his head. "I suppose I could find a good place for it somewhere."
I was shocked. "You... you will actually hide it for me?"
"Well, yes, of course. You are right after all. It does need hiding. I'll find somewhere for it. Don't worry."
He had actually agreed to do as I asked. He had done what I wanted. I didn't have to worry about the stone falling into someone else's hands. If it remained hidden, then I might never have to serve another human again. I felt elated. Triumphant even, that once I had completed my duty to Kamose I would never have to worry about having a master again.
Standing in that house, staring at /my/ bed, I had to marvel at this new experience I had never expected to have with a human. Kindness. No one had ever been kind to me before. I was suspicious to begin with, wondering briefly if this was some kind of clever trick. No one had ever been kind to me before, so why should someone start now? What had I ever done to deserve it? Surely there was ulterior motive to all this?
/But what...?/
A slight tug on my arm interrupted my thoughts, and I almost readied a spell to protect myself. But when I saw my 'assailant' I immediately straightened, and frowned in annoyance.
"Little girls should be in bed at this hour, shouldn't they?"
"I couldn't sleep," said Isis simply. She stood there, dressed in a simple white dress that didn't even reach her knees or cover her arms. Her delicate frame was surprisingly resistant to the cold, and her eyes didn't show any trace of weariness. I smiled as I noticed that her doll was still clasped in her arms.
"Why not?" I asked.
She shrugged. "I just don't feel tired."
I nodded. Again, I wasn't entirely sure what to do now. Inexperience was a dreadful thing in any situation.
"I could make you go to sleep. By magic, if you like," I offered. I would have done anything at that moment to stop her from looking at me the way she was.
"Mother says I shouldn't talk to you."
She hadn't answered my question, but I didn't feel the need to steer back towards it. Like in most conversations that are held with children, the younger party directs the conversation.
"Oh?" was all I could manage at that point.
"She says you'll bring us bad luck."
I grinned but didn't answer.
"If you're an angel where are your wings?"
"I don't need any," I said.
"Could you give me wings?"
"Yes," I said uncertainly. "But I don't think your mother would approve."
Isis giggled, and then covered her mouth so that she didn't wake anyone. Looking into her dark brown eyes, I could see that she resembled her father in a number of ways. From the subtle characteristics in her face to her childish curiosity. Against my better judgement, I found her likeable.
I very carefully knelt down, so that I was level with her. I was short, but she was only six, and barely level with my stomach. We stared directly at each other for a few moments.
"Why are your eyes red?"
"I was made with them like this," I told her.
"Made?"
"That's right."
She frowned. "I didn't know angels were /made/."
I smiled, enjoying adding to the long and elaborate lie that Kamose had obviously told her. And it wasn't as though I was telling her complete lies now was it?
"We are made out of an element. And put inside bodies that look human."
"What element were you made from?"
"Guess."
Isis wrinkled her nose in concentration, and then brightened. "Fire!"
"That's it."
"So that's why your eyes are red?"
"Yes."
Gaining in confidence, she took a step closer. I couldn't deny that I was a little worried about what she would do, but I didn't show this in my face, or in any movement. I remained perfectly still, even when her little hand reached out to touch my face.
Again, I was struck with unfamiliar sensations. My creator had only once touched me with gentleness, and that was only because he didn't want to destroy his powerful servant. But now this tiny human child was touching me as delicately as a butterfly might. There was no pressure placed on my body. Just a light touch that was barely a touch at all.
"You're very warm," she whispered.
Reaching up to place my own fingertips where hers lay, I realised this was so. Strange that I had never really noticed how my body worked beyond what my weaknesses were. I had never bothered to investigate, because it only reminded me that I was too weak to even lift a few books without tiring myself. I was physically incapable of even the smallest task, and the slightest reminder was enough to send me into a bitter sulk, or worse, a deadly rage.
With these resentful thoughts rising inside me I stood up and backed away. Whatever these new, strange emotions were, I was far from ready to address them.
"I think you should go to bed now," I said, giving her a long hard stare. She looked at me, and though her eyes displayed hurt at first, a new weariness entered them, and the lids began to droop. She yawned and murmured something, which might have been "good night". Finally she turned and left the room, moving like a sleepwalker under the effect of my magic. I couldn't help feeling guilty for what I had done, but it was necessary. Hopefully, when she woke the next morning, she would think it was all a dream.
I didn't go anywhere that night. I stayed, sitting on the tabletop as I had earlier, with my hand held against my cheek, just wondering what I thought I was doing.
*******
I tried to approach my gradually changing attitude with a rational mind. But more and more as the years passed I found emotions controlling my actions. And not anger or pain, but other things I couldn't identify.
By day I discussed the mysteries of the world with Kamose, who wrote down all that we spoke of in a huge book. At first I was filled with painful memories of how similar this whole situation seemed to me telling my creator what new powers I had discovered. But very quickly I realised how utterly different it was. For one thing, neither one of us did all the talking. We /discussed/ everything, like equals. I marvelled at how Kamose treated me like an equal, not as a slave or something to be studied, like a book. He asked for my opinions on certain parts of history I narrated to him, and in turn gave his own opinion.
After many years I opened up to him about my past. I told him the whole tale of my creation, and about the book that my former master had written. I did not say everything that had been written in that book, but I revealed far more than I had ever dreamed I would. He did not ask searching questions about anything, seeming to understand that it was painful enough for me to say anything pertaining to my first master. In a rare moment of weakness, I told him that I appreciated his instinctive understanding of my wishes for certain details to remain private. He had smiled and simply said, "Everyone has something they need to keep for themselves. We all have a right to privacy, and I shouldn't deny you that right."
I had wanted to cry.
And when I had time to myself, as I said, I would wander the human world, invisible and insubstantial. Mortals are, as I once said to you, nothing but trouble, but I did not mind this so long as they were no trouble to /me/.
The only real trouble I had was with Isis. She didn't annoy me with her questions, though she asked plenty, she didn't irritate me with her constant presence, and this troubled me more and more as I understood that these things should all have annoyed me greatly. But I couldn't help liking her. Her innocent ignorance to what I was amused me, and her gentle manner intrigued me. She was very like her father in her treatment of me, except that she respected me in the way a child respects an adult. She didn't fear me like I would have expected a child to, and I went out of my way to make sure there was no reason why she should.
And things continued like this for years. With the family I endured emotions that I would have found amusing a few years before. I watched Kamose and his wife try for more children, and though they did have a few, they died early, as children tended to do at the time. I was unprepared for the gloomy atmosphere that descended on the family afterwards, and looking back, I must have been terrible company in such times.
When the first child died, only a few weeks old, my 'lessons' with Kamose were briefly put on hold. He told me that he simply wanted some time to himself. When I asked him why, he said he wanted to mourn the loss of his son.
"He was barely alive for a few weeks," I said, not realising how callous I sounded. "How can you grow so attached to him so quickly?"
Kamose kept his back to me, but I swore his shoulders shook. "How long you know someone doesn't matter, Homunculus. I would mourn even if he had only lived a day."
"I fail to see the point that."
"He was my son. Now matter how long he lived, he was still my son."
Left to myself, I wondered why Kamose, a man of logic and science, would allow his emotions to run wild inside him. I didn't know what it was like to have a son, and I had no hope of ever really understanding what he meant. That night, I stayed in to think about it, and Isis, came downstairs because, as happened many times, she couldn't sleep. Only this time with good reason.
"Mother's crying," she said as she sat next to me on the table. I nodded but wasn't certain what to say to her. I wasn't sure if I wouldn't get the cold reaction I had received from Kamose and voicing my opinion.
"Couldn't /you/ have done something?" she asked suddenly.
I stared down at the girl, then eight-years old and amazingly bright for such an age. "Like what?" I asked cautiously.
"I thought angels could bring people back from the dead. Mother would want you to bring my brother back. So why don't you?"
I thought about this, and though I knew I could do it, I also knew I wouldn't. There was a nagging feeling deep inside me that said it would be the wrong thing to do. It would be morally wrong for me to resurrect the dead simply to make a mortal couple happy. Besides, /she/ wouldn't like the idea. She refused my help no matter what the task was.
Surprisingly, I didn't respond to Isis' question in this way. Instead I felt cool logic come from my mouth.
"And what if every angel went around resurrecting the dead? No one would die for good."
"Isn't that a good thing?"
"You'd think so, wouldn't you. But then the whole world would be filled with people. And heaven would get rather empty. I don't think the gods would be happy with that would they?"
She considered my reply, and then nodded sadly. "That's true." There was another pause. "But would it hurt to do it just this once."
"Isis, if I did it once, then I would be asked to do it again. And then where would it end?"
She sniffed, and I realised I may have been a little sharper in my tone than was necessary. "I just don't want mother and father to be unhappy anymore." And she gave a little sob before burying her face against her doll, which still looked as though it had been made yesterday.
Uncertainly, I reached a hand out and placed it on her slender shoulder. At my touch, she leant against me for support, and my eyes widened at the sensation. I'd never comforted anyone before, and I knew that that was really what I was doing right then.
When I thought about it, I could vaguely understand why they were all so upset. If I were to lose something precious to me, wouldn't I be upset? And if I longed for something, possessed it for a fleeting moment before it was gone, wouldn't I cry like Kamose's whole family cried now? If I were to have a human body, walk in it for a week, feeling the unbelievable strength of a mortal man, and then suddenly have it whisked away from me by a force I could not control I would...
At this thought I finally understood what was happening. And I began to ache inside.
But all the emotions I experienced were not painful. I watched the two children grow to adulthood, with pride. But a different kind of pride to the one I was familiar with. An unselfish pride. Like /I/ was there father, or had some part in their growth and development.
I felt happy for someone else too, for the first time ever. I was happy for Ra when he was married, at eighteen years old, to a beautiful young girl of his sister's age. He brought his new wife into the household, since he did not yet have anywhere to go for himself. I had taken it upon myself to provide for the family in subtle ways. Generosity was strange to me also, but I couldn't contain an overwhelming feeling of smug satisfaction when their carefully saved money was put to more uses than they had thought possible. New equipment for Kamose's laboratory in the cellar, or new dresses for the women. They were not wealthy, but by the standards of the time they were well off. I took personal pleasure in seeing to that.
So a new addition to the family did not distress anyone, though there were a number of worries that my presence would disturb Ra's wife.
"What if rumours start spreading?" Kamose's wife said a few nights before the wedding was to take place. "People already worry about you, spending all the time locked in that cellar, apparently by yourself," here she threw a glance at me. I could only smirk back at her. Isis, sitting in the corner, pretending to sew, caught my eye and giggled slightly.
"And what if she tells her family?" the woman asked.
"I'm sure that if we make the situation clear to her, Ra will convince her not to gossip."
"I could do a spell on her if you liked. So that she wouldn't be able to speak," I volunteered, suppressing a chuckle. I was given a horrified look and a scolding glare from the two adults before Kamose's wife ran off into the next room. Kamose followed her without a backward glance. Turning round, I saw Isis, who wasn't sure whether to be amused or horrified.
"You wouldn't really do that would you?"
I shrugged. "I could. And if it was necessary... I might." There was a long pause before I grinned and winked at her, to show that I was joking. Sighing with relief, and glaring slightly, she went back to her sewing.
"I hope she's nice," she said at last. "I couldn't stand to have a bossy sister-in-law."
"I don't think your brother would have married her if she was bossy," I told her. "He has some sense of self-preservation."
She smiled, but somehow it didn't seem as happy as it could have been.
"Homunculus?" I looked up. She knew my name of course, but she still had no idea about my nature. I couldn't deny that this made me feel slightly guilty, but I convinced myself it was for the best. "Do you think I would make a good wife?"
I considered this. She was a curious girl, and many people considered that a bad thing in this age. But surely her sweet personality would eclipse any slight problem a potential husband might find in her. I only wished that she had some choice in her future husband. I couldn't really stand the thought of her marrying a brute. She deserved better than that.
"I can think of no reasons why you wouldn't be," I told her honestly.
"Do you think my parents will choose a husband for me soon?"
"You are old enough to marry now."
"I know."
There was another silence. I could sense, without having to read her thoughts, that she had a husband in mind already. Part of me knew that it was stupid for me to even dream of the possibility of... of anything happening between us, and yet that tiny, hopeful part of me screamed with joy at the thought that, whatever it was I had grown to feel for her was, to some extent, reciprocated. I wasn't yet confident enough, even after ten years, to say that what I felt for Isis was love. Looking back I think it probably was, but I also realise that it was for the best that nothing ever happened. It would have been doomed from the start.
I had watched her mature into a young woman, and learnt to appreciate her company when I had once feared my delight in it. And gradually I found that she stayed up later and later hours in order to speak to me.
Kamose interrupted our private thoughts, coming in looking very annoyed.
"Homunculus, that was very unnecessary."
"I was not being serious," I said. "Perhaps one day you can teach your wife to take a joke."
"While I appreciate your light humour I would also appreciate it if you respected my wife and left her as much alone as possible."
"Oh father," Isis said, "you know how mother is. If a mouse got inside the house she would worry what the neighbours would think." I couldn't disagree with that point.
"I know your mother is naturally nervous, but these are very bad times. Things are not as peaceful here as they once were. Not with Caracalla as the Roman Emperor. I have warned you that he is unpredictable in his cruelty. He despises the Jewish community."
I couldn't disagree with this either, however. Caracalla was indeed a cruel man, and he did indeed hate the Jews, of which there were still a reasonable number of them. There had been a rebellion a century ago, resulting in their massacre and the country still carried the bitter memory of it*. Living not far from the city of Alexandria, we had to be wary of foreign invaders. But I treated the subject as lightly as possible. I wasn't as paranoid as some people, after all.
"I hope her worries are unnecessary," Isis said, and I detected the slightest trace of fear in her voice. I had to admire her courage though. Most women reacted to the thought of invasion as though it was all their fault, and would run around sobbing, packing things in order to be ready to flee the town.
"So do we all," Kamose said, sitting down heavily in a chair. Slipping off the table I approached him, seeing the weariness in his eyes. He was in his fifties now, when most men were lucky to live into their forties. I could ease what pains he had, but he had not wished for immortality, or eternal youth, and so I could give neither, and I actually worried for him now. He wouldn't live much longer, and then what would happen to his family?
"It is worse today," I said. I didn't waste my time on asking things like "are you alright?" especially when the answer was so obvious. Isis, seeing her father's pain, also came towards him, kneeling beside him with worry etched onto her face.
"Oh don't worry. I believe I have a year or so left to me. Long enough to see that everything I leave behind is taken care of."
I glanced at Isis, understanding what her father meant. Her eyes met mine briefly, and then looked away. We didn't say anything more.
Kamose leant forward and placed a hand on his daughter's shoulder. "Why don't you go and help your mother. I need to speak with Homunculus."
Isis looked from one of us to the other for a moment, and then nodded obediently, going to pick up her sewing and then leaving the room. Looking after her, I had a horrible feeling that I knew what was coming next.
"I may be old, Homunculus, but I am not blind and I am not stupid."
I winced at his words, and dared to look him in the eye. I was surprised to see calm understanding and sympathy there, instead of outrage and anger.
"You do understand that I could never allow such a thing? Regardless of how both of you may wish for it."
"I do understand," I said softly, feeling quite suddenly like a young child brought before its father.
"You are not even human."
I couldn't withhold a bitter laugh. "Must you remind me? I know the harsh reality better than anyone."
"And she doesn't."
"No," I whispered sadly. "And I can never tell her the truth, can I." It wasn't a question.
After a moment's pause, Kamose reached out and clasped my hand. "Homunculus, do you believe that you have a soul?"
I stared at him. Why was he asking me this? "I don't know."
"Well, if you do, or even of you don't for that matter, I would like to think that you as human as you can possibly be." I still stared at him. Overwhelmed by his words. Years ago, I would have considered this to be an insult, to be even vaguely associated with humans. But now? Having spent ten years among humans, I couldn't deny that I wished, more than I ever would in years to come, that I were one of them. Truly one of them. I didn't want to be unique, or powerful anymore. I just wanted to be like everyone else. And it was impossible I knew. But I couldn't help smiling that I had reached a state that was as close to being human as I could hope for.
"I love you, Kamose. You, and all you family. Very much."
We were both shocked by this unexpected revealing of emotion on my part. But I couldn't deny the truth of it. I loved them like they were my own family. If I had had a father, I couldn't have asked for a better one than Kamose. I loved his wife, despite her intense dislike of me. Ra, I admired and loved as much as I had once envied him to his physical abilities. I wished him all the best in everything. And Isis? I loved her for being who she was. Who couldn't? My love for them all was complete and unconditional. I couldn't bear the thought of leaving them.
"And I'm sure we all feel the same," Kamose said, surprise and pleasure mixed in his voice. My own happiness soared. I wished I could stop time and hold onto that moment forever.
But it passed... and continued on to the worst time of my whole existence.
***To be continued in Part 3 ***
*Note - I did not make any of this up. Caracalla was a real person, who was the Roman Emperor during the 3rd century, when this part of the story was set. The massacre of the Jews in the 2nd century is also true. They are historical facts; I did not make any of it up, so please don't flame me, accusing me of hating Jews. I don't. It is an important part of the story, as you will soon see. I like things based on facts.
***Okay, I thought this section would be the last when dealing with Kamose. Well it isn't. This part of Homunculus' history is too important for me to just skip through quickly. So the third part of this section will be posted after another 'interlude' chapter, both of which will be as angsty as I can make them. So enjoy. ***
Resurrecting the Shadow of Memories
A Shadow of Destiny Fanfic
"I'm afraid I'm starting to feel what I said I would not do."
So I stayed. For ten years I stayed with Kamose and his family, teaching everything I knew to him. Like he said, most of my time was given to this, but I was permitted an hour or so to myself everyday, and of course, unlike myself, Kamose slept at night. So I would often take the opportunity to wander round the Egyptian village he inhabited.
Egypt was a fascinating place in the third century, even by my high standards. The rich culture and way of life of the people brought back a nagging envy of humans that I thought I had buried a long time ago. I liked the idea of having eternal, and having my magic. But I despised my physical weakness, and was terribly jealous of the humans I lived amongst. And of course, that was why all these feelings were returning. Living with humans did this to me. I would become entangled in their emotions until I eventually began to feel them myself. The young boy, Ra, desired above all things to be a famous warrior, fighting for his Pharaoh. I longed for even the possibility of fighting with something other than magic.
I had neglected to tell Kamose that I didn't sleep, and so I was unnecessarily given a bed in which to rest. I say a bed, though it was more a bundle of straw covered with a blanket. I didn't want him to know I didn't sleep, in case he used that in some way so that I wouldn't be able to escape, however briefly, and have a few moments to myself once again.
But that first night I didn't go anywhere. Long after it was dark outside, with nothing but the sound of crickets outside, and the cool air of the desert drifting through the house, I stood and stared at the bed that had actually been made... for me.
No one had ever made me anything before.
Thinking back very carefully, I was astonished by the hospitality with which Kamose and the two children were treating me. I would never, in all my existence, expect a master to provide for me.
And answer a request of mine as well. I had asked Kamose, as soon as I had the opportunity, if he would hide away the Philosopher's Stone.
"What makes it so important?"
"It is simply a tool by which I am summoned," I explained. "I do not think either of us would wish it to fall into the hands of another."
"You would deny me the possibility of using this stone? Do you have any idea of its powers?"
"Yes, you have told me several times," I said, annoyed and not wanting another lecture. "But if someone were to see it..." I shrugged. "Who knows what will happen."
"They cannot take you away," he insisted, though rather uncertainly.
I glared at him, not liking the fact that I was being referred to more as a possession than anything else. "If you wish to take that risk, it suits me fine. But if that stone is used elsewhere, I will belong to someone else, and our deal is broken."
"Why would anyone want to-"
"I thought you alchemists were meant to be intelligent," I snapped. "If /anyone/ sees that stone, human greed will do the rest. Most people won't care about its powers. It's wealth they will be concerned with. You must hide it. Or I leave, whether I want to or not."
"But you can't leave."
I stood there, wishing desperately that I could pummel him into the ground. Somehow I didn't have the heart to use magic against him. I suppose there was a strange sense of duty. He was my 'master' after all. Besides, he was holding the stone in his hand, and I didn't want to risk it being dropped and broken
I was about to speak when Kamose shook his head. "I suppose I could find a good place for it somewhere."
I was shocked. "You... you will actually hide it for me?"
"Well, yes, of course. You are right after all. It does need hiding. I'll find somewhere for it. Don't worry."
He had actually agreed to do as I asked. He had done what I wanted. I didn't have to worry about the stone falling into someone else's hands. If it remained hidden, then I might never have to serve another human again. I felt elated. Triumphant even, that once I had completed my duty to Kamose I would never have to worry about having a master again.
Standing in that house, staring at /my/ bed, I had to marvel at this new experience I had never expected to have with a human. Kindness. No one had ever been kind to me before. I was suspicious to begin with, wondering briefly if this was some kind of clever trick. No one had ever been kind to me before, so why should someone start now? What had I ever done to deserve it? Surely there was ulterior motive to all this?
/But what...?/
A slight tug on my arm interrupted my thoughts, and I almost readied a spell to protect myself. But when I saw my 'assailant' I immediately straightened, and frowned in annoyance.
"Little girls should be in bed at this hour, shouldn't they?"
"I couldn't sleep," said Isis simply. She stood there, dressed in a simple white dress that didn't even reach her knees or cover her arms. Her delicate frame was surprisingly resistant to the cold, and her eyes didn't show any trace of weariness. I smiled as I noticed that her doll was still clasped in her arms.
"Why not?" I asked.
She shrugged. "I just don't feel tired."
I nodded. Again, I wasn't entirely sure what to do now. Inexperience was a dreadful thing in any situation.
"I could make you go to sleep. By magic, if you like," I offered. I would have done anything at that moment to stop her from looking at me the way she was.
"Mother says I shouldn't talk to you."
She hadn't answered my question, but I didn't feel the need to steer back towards it. Like in most conversations that are held with children, the younger party directs the conversation.
"Oh?" was all I could manage at that point.
"She says you'll bring us bad luck."
I grinned but didn't answer.
"If you're an angel where are your wings?"
"I don't need any," I said.
"Could you give me wings?"
"Yes," I said uncertainly. "But I don't think your mother would approve."
Isis giggled, and then covered her mouth so that she didn't wake anyone. Looking into her dark brown eyes, I could see that she resembled her father in a number of ways. From the subtle characteristics in her face to her childish curiosity. Against my better judgement, I found her likeable.
I very carefully knelt down, so that I was level with her. I was short, but she was only six, and barely level with my stomach. We stared directly at each other for a few moments.
"Why are your eyes red?"
"I was made with them like this," I told her.
"Made?"
"That's right."
She frowned. "I didn't know angels were /made/."
I smiled, enjoying adding to the long and elaborate lie that Kamose had obviously told her. And it wasn't as though I was telling her complete lies now was it?
"We are made out of an element. And put inside bodies that look human."
"What element were you made from?"
"Guess."
Isis wrinkled her nose in concentration, and then brightened. "Fire!"
"That's it."
"So that's why your eyes are red?"
"Yes."
Gaining in confidence, she took a step closer. I couldn't deny that I was a little worried about what she would do, but I didn't show this in my face, or in any movement. I remained perfectly still, even when her little hand reached out to touch my face.
Again, I was struck with unfamiliar sensations. My creator had only once touched me with gentleness, and that was only because he didn't want to destroy his powerful servant. But now this tiny human child was touching me as delicately as a butterfly might. There was no pressure placed on my body. Just a light touch that was barely a touch at all.
"You're very warm," she whispered.
Reaching up to place my own fingertips where hers lay, I realised this was so. Strange that I had never really noticed how my body worked beyond what my weaknesses were. I had never bothered to investigate, because it only reminded me that I was too weak to even lift a few books without tiring myself. I was physically incapable of even the smallest task, and the slightest reminder was enough to send me into a bitter sulk, or worse, a deadly rage.
With these resentful thoughts rising inside me I stood up and backed away. Whatever these new, strange emotions were, I was far from ready to address them.
"I think you should go to bed now," I said, giving her a long hard stare. She looked at me, and though her eyes displayed hurt at first, a new weariness entered them, and the lids began to droop. She yawned and murmured something, which might have been "good night". Finally she turned and left the room, moving like a sleepwalker under the effect of my magic. I couldn't help feeling guilty for what I had done, but it was necessary. Hopefully, when she woke the next morning, she would think it was all a dream.
I didn't go anywhere that night. I stayed, sitting on the tabletop as I had earlier, with my hand held against my cheek, just wondering what I thought I was doing.
*******
I tried to approach my gradually changing attitude with a rational mind. But more and more as the years passed I found emotions controlling my actions. And not anger or pain, but other things I couldn't identify.
By day I discussed the mysteries of the world with Kamose, who wrote down all that we spoke of in a huge book. At first I was filled with painful memories of how similar this whole situation seemed to me telling my creator what new powers I had discovered. But very quickly I realised how utterly different it was. For one thing, neither one of us did all the talking. We /discussed/ everything, like equals. I marvelled at how Kamose treated me like an equal, not as a slave or something to be studied, like a book. He asked for my opinions on certain parts of history I narrated to him, and in turn gave his own opinion.
After many years I opened up to him about my past. I told him the whole tale of my creation, and about the book that my former master had written. I did not say everything that had been written in that book, but I revealed far more than I had ever dreamed I would. He did not ask searching questions about anything, seeming to understand that it was painful enough for me to say anything pertaining to my first master. In a rare moment of weakness, I told him that I appreciated his instinctive understanding of my wishes for certain details to remain private. He had smiled and simply said, "Everyone has something they need to keep for themselves. We all have a right to privacy, and I shouldn't deny you that right."
I had wanted to cry.
And when I had time to myself, as I said, I would wander the human world, invisible and insubstantial. Mortals are, as I once said to you, nothing but trouble, but I did not mind this so long as they were no trouble to /me/.
The only real trouble I had was with Isis. She didn't annoy me with her questions, though she asked plenty, she didn't irritate me with her constant presence, and this troubled me more and more as I understood that these things should all have annoyed me greatly. But I couldn't help liking her. Her innocent ignorance to what I was amused me, and her gentle manner intrigued me. She was very like her father in her treatment of me, except that she respected me in the way a child respects an adult. She didn't fear me like I would have expected a child to, and I went out of my way to make sure there was no reason why she should.
And things continued like this for years. With the family I endured emotions that I would have found amusing a few years before. I watched Kamose and his wife try for more children, and though they did have a few, they died early, as children tended to do at the time. I was unprepared for the gloomy atmosphere that descended on the family afterwards, and looking back, I must have been terrible company in such times.
When the first child died, only a few weeks old, my 'lessons' with Kamose were briefly put on hold. He told me that he simply wanted some time to himself. When I asked him why, he said he wanted to mourn the loss of his son.
"He was barely alive for a few weeks," I said, not realising how callous I sounded. "How can you grow so attached to him so quickly?"
Kamose kept his back to me, but I swore his shoulders shook. "How long you know someone doesn't matter, Homunculus. I would mourn even if he had only lived a day."
"I fail to see the point that."
"He was my son. Now matter how long he lived, he was still my son."
Left to myself, I wondered why Kamose, a man of logic and science, would allow his emotions to run wild inside him. I didn't know what it was like to have a son, and I had no hope of ever really understanding what he meant. That night, I stayed in to think about it, and Isis, came downstairs because, as happened many times, she couldn't sleep. Only this time with good reason.
"Mother's crying," she said as she sat next to me on the table. I nodded but wasn't certain what to say to her. I wasn't sure if I wouldn't get the cold reaction I had received from Kamose and voicing my opinion.
"Couldn't /you/ have done something?" she asked suddenly.
I stared down at the girl, then eight-years old and amazingly bright for such an age. "Like what?" I asked cautiously.
"I thought angels could bring people back from the dead. Mother would want you to bring my brother back. So why don't you?"
I thought about this, and though I knew I could do it, I also knew I wouldn't. There was a nagging feeling deep inside me that said it would be the wrong thing to do. It would be morally wrong for me to resurrect the dead simply to make a mortal couple happy. Besides, /she/ wouldn't like the idea. She refused my help no matter what the task was.
Surprisingly, I didn't respond to Isis' question in this way. Instead I felt cool logic come from my mouth.
"And what if every angel went around resurrecting the dead? No one would die for good."
"Isn't that a good thing?"
"You'd think so, wouldn't you. But then the whole world would be filled with people. And heaven would get rather empty. I don't think the gods would be happy with that would they?"
She considered my reply, and then nodded sadly. "That's true." There was another pause. "But would it hurt to do it just this once."
"Isis, if I did it once, then I would be asked to do it again. And then where would it end?"
She sniffed, and I realised I may have been a little sharper in my tone than was necessary. "I just don't want mother and father to be unhappy anymore." And she gave a little sob before burying her face against her doll, which still looked as though it had been made yesterday.
Uncertainly, I reached a hand out and placed it on her slender shoulder. At my touch, she leant against me for support, and my eyes widened at the sensation. I'd never comforted anyone before, and I knew that that was really what I was doing right then.
When I thought about it, I could vaguely understand why they were all so upset. If I were to lose something precious to me, wouldn't I be upset? And if I longed for something, possessed it for a fleeting moment before it was gone, wouldn't I cry like Kamose's whole family cried now? If I were to have a human body, walk in it for a week, feeling the unbelievable strength of a mortal man, and then suddenly have it whisked away from me by a force I could not control I would...
At this thought I finally understood what was happening. And I began to ache inside.
But all the emotions I experienced were not painful. I watched the two children grow to adulthood, with pride. But a different kind of pride to the one I was familiar with. An unselfish pride. Like /I/ was there father, or had some part in their growth and development.
I felt happy for someone else too, for the first time ever. I was happy for Ra when he was married, at eighteen years old, to a beautiful young girl of his sister's age. He brought his new wife into the household, since he did not yet have anywhere to go for himself. I had taken it upon myself to provide for the family in subtle ways. Generosity was strange to me also, but I couldn't contain an overwhelming feeling of smug satisfaction when their carefully saved money was put to more uses than they had thought possible. New equipment for Kamose's laboratory in the cellar, or new dresses for the women. They were not wealthy, but by the standards of the time they were well off. I took personal pleasure in seeing to that.
So a new addition to the family did not distress anyone, though there were a number of worries that my presence would disturb Ra's wife.
"What if rumours start spreading?" Kamose's wife said a few nights before the wedding was to take place. "People already worry about you, spending all the time locked in that cellar, apparently by yourself," here she threw a glance at me. I could only smirk back at her. Isis, sitting in the corner, pretending to sew, caught my eye and giggled slightly.
"And what if she tells her family?" the woman asked.
"I'm sure that if we make the situation clear to her, Ra will convince her not to gossip."
"I could do a spell on her if you liked. So that she wouldn't be able to speak," I volunteered, suppressing a chuckle. I was given a horrified look and a scolding glare from the two adults before Kamose's wife ran off into the next room. Kamose followed her without a backward glance. Turning round, I saw Isis, who wasn't sure whether to be amused or horrified.
"You wouldn't really do that would you?"
I shrugged. "I could. And if it was necessary... I might." There was a long pause before I grinned and winked at her, to show that I was joking. Sighing with relief, and glaring slightly, she went back to her sewing.
"I hope she's nice," she said at last. "I couldn't stand to have a bossy sister-in-law."
"I don't think your brother would have married her if she was bossy," I told her. "He has some sense of self-preservation."
She smiled, but somehow it didn't seem as happy as it could have been.
"Homunculus?" I looked up. She knew my name of course, but she still had no idea about my nature. I couldn't deny that this made me feel slightly guilty, but I convinced myself it was for the best. "Do you think I would make a good wife?"
I considered this. She was a curious girl, and many people considered that a bad thing in this age. But surely her sweet personality would eclipse any slight problem a potential husband might find in her. I only wished that she had some choice in her future husband. I couldn't really stand the thought of her marrying a brute. She deserved better than that.
"I can think of no reasons why you wouldn't be," I told her honestly.
"Do you think my parents will choose a husband for me soon?"
"You are old enough to marry now."
"I know."
There was another silence. I could sense, without having to read her thoughts, that she had a husband in mind already. Part of me knew that it was stupid for me to even dream of the possibility of... of anything happening between us, and yet that tiny, hopeful part of me screamed with joy at the thought that, whatever it was I had grown to feel for her was, to some extent, reciprocated. I wasn't yet confident enough, even after ten years, to say that what I felt for Isis was love. Looking back I think it probably was, but I also realise that it was for the best that nothing ever happened. It would have been doomed from the start.
I had watched her mature into a young woman, and learnt to appreciate her company when I had once feared my delight in it. And gradually I found that she stayed up later and later hours in order to speak to me.
Kamose interrupted our private thoughts, coming in looking very annoyed.
"Homunculus, that was very unnecessary."
"I was not being serious," I said. "Perhaps one day you can teach your wife to take a joke."
"While I appreciate your light humour I would also appreciate it if you respected my wife and left her as much alone as possible."
"Oh father," Isis said, "you know how mother is. If a mouse got inside the house she would worry what the neighbours would think." I couldn't disagree with that point.
"I know your mother is naturally nervous, but these are very bad times. Things are not as peaceful here as they once were. Not with Caracalla as the Roman Emperor. I have warned you that he is unpredictable in his cruelty. He despises the Jewish community."
I couldn't disagree with this either, however. Caracalla was indeed a cruel man, and he did indeed hate the Jews, of which there were still a reasonable number of them. There had been a rebellion a century ago, resulting in their massacre and the country still carried the bitter memory of it*. Living not far from the city of Alexandria, we had to be wary of foreign invaders. But I treated the subject as lightly as possible. I wasn't as paranoid as some people, after all.
"I hope her worries are unnecessary," Isis said, and I detected the slightest trace of fear in her voice. I had to admire her courage though. Most women reacted to the thought of invasion as though it was all their fault, and would run around sobbing, packing things in order to be ready to flee the town.
"So do we all," Kamose said, sitting down heavily in a chair. Slipping off the table I approached him, seeing the weariness in his eyes. He was in his fifties now, when most men were lucky to live into their forties. I could ease what pains he had, but he had not wished for immortality, or eternal youth, and so I could give neither, and I actually worried for him now. He wouldn't live much longer, and then what would happen to his family?
"It is worse today," I said. I didn't waste my time on asking things like "are you alright?" especially when the answer was so obvious. Isis, seeing her father's pain, also came towards him, kneeling beside him with worry etched onto her face.
"Oh don't worry. I believe I have a year or so left to me. Long enough to see that everything I leave behind is taken care of."
I glanced at Isis, understanding what her father meant. Her eyes met mine briefly, and then looked away. We didn't say anything more.
Kamose leant forward and placed a hand on his daughter's shoulder. "Why don't you go and help your mother. I need to speak with Homunculus."
Isis looked from one of us to the other for a moment, and then nodded obediently, going to pick up her sewing and then leaving the room. Looking after her, I had a horrible feeling that I knew what was coming next.
"I may be old, Homunculus, but I am not blind and I am not stupid."
I winced at his words, and dared to look him in the eye. I was surprised to see calm understanding and sympathy there, instead of outrage and anger.
"You do understand that I could never allow such a thing? Regardless of how both of you may wish for it."
"I do understand," I said softly, feeling quite suddenly like a young child brought before its father.
"You are not even human."
I couldn't withhold a bitter laugh. "Must you remind me? I know the harsh reality better than anyone."
"And she doesn't."
"No," I whispered sadly. "And I can never tell her the truth, can I." It wasn't a question.
After a moment's pause, Kamose reached out and clasped my hand. "Homunculus, do you believe that you have a soul?"
I stared at him. Why was he asking me this? "I don't know."
"Well, if you do, or even of you don't for that matter, I would like to think that you as human as you can possibly be." I still stared at him. Overwhelmed by his words. Years ago, I would have considered this to be an insult, to be even vaguely associated with humans. But now? Having spent ten years among humans, I couldn't deny that I wished, more than I ever would in years to come, that I were one of them. Truly one of them. I didn't want to be unique, or powerful anymore. I just wanted to be like everyone else. And it was impossible I knew. But I couldn't help smiling that I had reached a state that was as close to being human as I could hope for.
"I love you, Kamose. You, and all you family. Very much."
We were both shocked by this unexpected revealing of emotion on my part. But I couldn't deny the truth of it. I loved them like they were my own family. If I had had a father, I couldn't have asked for a better one than Kamose. I loved his wife, despite her intense dislike of me. Ra, I admired and loved as much as I had once envied him to his physical abilities. I wished him all the best in everything. And Isis? I loved her for being who she was. Who couldn't? My love for them all was complete and unconditional. I couldn't bear the thought of leaving them.
"And I'm sure we all feel the same," Kamose said, surprise and pleasure mixed in his voice. My own happiness soared. I wished I could stop time and hold onto that moment forever.
But it passed... and continued on to the worst time of my whole existence.
***To be continued in Part 3 ***
*Note - I did not make any of this up. Caracalla was a real person, who was the Roman Emperor during the 3rd century, when this part of the story was set. The massacre of the Jews in the 2nd century is also true. They are historical facts; I did not make any of it up, so please don't flame me, accusing me of hating Jews. I don't. It is an important part of the story, as you will soon see. I like things based on facts.