by She's a Star
Disclaimer: Harry Potter's not mine. As a matter of fact, poor JKR would probably pass out if she read this. None of these songs are mine. Even the exquisite lyrics for The Waltz of the Flowers are not, in fact, mine. It was stolen from a song my chorus class is singing. And, well, it just seemed to fit so very well. And, well, the Jack Sparrow line ain't mine either. Fancy that. But MtP Sirius's insanity is mine. I fear that's all I can claim.
Author's Note: Well, it's Storm's birthday on Sunday, and she seems to be rather fond of MtP Sirius. So I kinda let him wander out of that dark, scary, insane place in my brain to flourish for a little while. And he flourished a little more than I'd originally intended him to. Ain't that always the way?
And this isn't proofread. 'Cause I was kind of scared to witness the insanity. So . . . yeah. My apologies for the errors.
I'm not sure when it takes place. Some time during Wedded Bliss or Something Like It, I suppose.
If you haven't read Meet the Parents, this will make no sense to you.
. . . come to think of it, if you have read Meet the Parents, this will make no sense to you.
Such is life. :-)
Petunia Evans hadn't been quite fond of the idea of announcing her engagement to Vernon Dursley at a Halloween party filled with her sister's friends. After all, everyone knew what sort of people they were to begin with, and besides, there was no way any of them would be invited to the wedding, anyway. What was the point?
But Vernon was so eager to inform her parents, and so he let it slip. Quietly, of course, while standing in a corner across the room from everyone else.
But there was a certain person at that party who had a knack for finding out just what you didn't want them to, regardless of . . . anything else.
And it was safe to say that Sirius Black was one happy pirate.
"A wedding?" he gasped delightedly, placing his hands on his heart. "Oh, I love weddings! Drinks all around!"
Everyone stared.
"What?" he asked innocently. "It sounds like something a pirate would say."
"Really?" James Potter asked, raising an eyebrow. "Because, you know, I've always got pirate vibes from things like 'argh!' and 'ahoy, mateys!' rather than . . . 'drinks all around.'"
"Don't question him, Potter," Frank Evans instructed gravely. "He's insane."
"Excuse me?" Sirius demanded. "Insane? You must be mistaken, Frankie my friend." He clapped Lily's father on the shoulder, causing him to wince and take a few steps back. "I am simply overjoyed by the joy of this joyous occasion in all its joyful splendor. And joy."
He turned to Petunia and Vernon and grinned winningly at them. "Congratulations, you two. I don't think I have to ask who's going to be singing at your wedding."
"Actually, we--"
"As a matter of fact," Sirius cut in, still beaming, "I've got a little ditty that I'm sure would fit just perfectly; I get a little teary even thinking about it. Sniffle," he threw in convincingly.
Petunia, who had witnessed Sirius's last wedding singer gig and still hadn't mended the psychological scars from the experience, couldn't manage much of a reply beyond a helpless whimper. Vernon, therefore, was forced to take charge.
"Now, see here," he said sternly, "We simply will not have--"
"Now, now, Dursleykins," Sirius cut in, charming as could be, "Let's not make judgments beforehand!"
Vernon, rather put off by being referred to as 'Dursleykins,' fell silent. He hadn't wanted to come to this blasted party in the first place; oh, no. He would have rather done countless things on Halloween than joining his fiancée's parents, sister, and her very freaky friends to celebrate. Especially . . . this particular freaky friend.
"Ahem." Sirius cleared his throat, then resumed speaking in an eerily low voice. "This one's for you, Petunia baby." He winked. Her eye twitched.
"We've been through some tough times, Miss Evans," Sirius continued nostalgically. "Dysfunctional restaurant dining, complete with Dr. Pepper being spit all over you . . . date-interrupting . . . many a smashing rendition of a musical hit . . . not to mention that time your parents and I walked in on you and Dursleykins here--"
"Okay, okay, okay," Petunia cut in sharply, narrowing her eyes. "Can you just get on with it??"
"Fine," Sirius said, clearly affronted. "Cut off my emotional and reminiscent speech. Whatever. I don't care. Maybe I won't sing for you anyway."
"Good," Petunia said immediately. "You shouldn't. Because--"
"Haha, I was just playin' with ya," Sirius said, winking. "All right. This is a little tune I like to call . . . The Mighty Medley of Sirius."
"Oh, good God," muttered Remus Lupin.
Lily's father looked as though he rather wanted to die.
Sirius retrieved his wand from his pocket and pointed it at a large collection of cobwebs in the corner; the spiders residing there immediately began to . . . sing?
Just go with it, okay?
"We . . . want . . . Siiiirius," they proclaimed. "Where . . . is . . . Siiirius? Give . . . us . . . Siiiirius! We . . . want . . . Siiirius!"
"The spiders are singing," Lily said, in an eerily composed sort of way.
"S-I-R-I-U-S! We're . . . all . . . hiiiiis . . . he's . . . our . . . kind of a guy, and ooh, what luck!"
"Spiders," repeated Lily, rather bewildered.
Sirius, meanwhile, was making a fabulous entrance (or as fabulous an entrance as one could make without ever really leaving in order to enter - and lemme tell ya, Sirius I-Don't-Have-A-Middle-Name-Because-My-Parents-Didn't-Care-Enough-to-Give-Me-One Black was just that good) and shaking his hips to the beat that had randomly appeared out of nowhere. (Once more with the 'he was just that good.')
"'Cause here . . ." cooed the spiders, " . . . he . . . iiiiis!"
The lights all dimmed in an extremely dramatic way, and Sirius took off his nifty pirate's hat and hung his head.
"From the day he was born," he said in a slow and mournful way, "He was . . . trouble. He was the knife in everyone's . . . back."
"Wouldn't that imply that he was some kind of traitor or something?" James whispered to Lily.
Peter, meanwhile, became very interested in the ceiling tiles. Even though there weren't any. (Suspicious? I think so!)
"He tried . . . in vain," Sirius continued sadly, "but still everyone thought him insane . . ."
"Insane?" Mr. Evans repeated, scoffing. "To put it kindly, maybe."
His wife stomped on his foot, and he yelped. But no yelp, however pain-ridden and anguished, could drown out the next epic, life-changing line--
"This is the medley of Sirius Blaaaaack!"
"You know, this really isn't necessary--" Petunia attempted. Alas, her attempt was thwarted by . . .
"Let's get physical!" Sirius purred in a high and squeaky (but still incredibly alluring, of course) sort of way, removing his eye patch and hurling it Petunia's way. "Physical! I wanna get physical!"
"Sirius . . . dear," Mrs. Evans said uneasily, "Perhaps you should--"
"Let me hear your body talk!" continued Sirius, very carefully taking off his left sock and throwing that out at them as well. No one bothered to attempt to decipher this particular gesture. "At . . . the . . ."
The lights began to swirl and flash assorted colors.
"I think I'm going to be sick," James muttered.
"Love shack, babyyyy!" Sirius crooned, then jumped about two feet to the left and echoed, in a very deep voice, "Love shack, baby!"
Vernon and Petunia exchanged very nervous looks.
"Love shaaack! That's where it's at - come on, Vernon! Petunia! I know you guys know this one!" He grinned roguishly.
"Um," said Vernon awkwardly, "Um, well, we really couldn't interrupt this . . . this . . ."
"Freak show," Petunia supplied venomously.
Vernon nodded vigorously. "Right."
This, however, couldn't stop Sirius. (Really, could anything?) Not at all put off, he fixed his gaze on Petunia and announced, very suavely, "Black. Sirius Black."
"I . . ."
"And frankly my dear," he continued with gusto, "I . . . don't . . . give . . . a . . ."
He paused in a tantalizing sort of way, and everyone hung off his last word.
Or in his ideal world they would have been, actually.
In reality, everyone was just rather scared.
"Intermission!" Sirius announced promptly, bouncing up and down enthusiastically. Sweet, sweet silence surfaced for a moment before yet another delightful tune filled the air; Sirius was humming The Waltz of the Flowers with more soul than a blues singer. Or more sole than a shoe, if you wanted to get witty about it.
Everyone stared, bemused, as he closed his eyes and hummed the tune, waving his hands madly as he reached the sweeping crescendo. And then he began to sing, his lyrical genius blessing all of those in the room --
"Loo loo loo looooo la looo!" he continued, finally gracing The Waltz of the Flowers with the truly stunning words that it deserved. "Loo loo loo loo loo la loo . . . pum pum PUM!"
He fell silent, and the lights faded to black.
After a round of uneasily exchanged glances, everyone reluctantly began to clap, when--
"Listen, baaaaby!"
The room burst into a bright light so blinding that Peter actually collapsed into a dead faint.
Lucky guy.
"Ain't no mountain high!" Sirius cried; Mr. and Mrs. Evans, who could recall all too well Sirius's first rendition of this song, which had taken place in the middle of the Leaky Cauldron a year or so before, took a few steps backward and covered their ears with their hands.
"Ain't no valley low! Ain't no river wiiiide enough, baby!" Sirius continued, randomly throwing his arms into the air. "Raise the roof! Whoo! Whoo!"
"Couldn't we lower the roof, instead?" Mr. Evans wanted to know. "You know . . . on top of him?"
"And, well," Sirius continued charismatically, chuckling in a very charming sort of way. "I . . . believe . . . in miracles."
"Oh, God, no," Mr. Evans, his wife, Vernon, and Petunia all muttered in horrified unison.
"Oh, I believe in miracles . . . since you came along . . . you sexy thing - sexy thing, you!"
Everyone who recalls the instance in which this song was originally used has the author's permission to take a moment to cringe.
"So sexy!" Sirius began to chant, swinging his hips back and forth. (For this, you see, was the patented Sirius Black dance move.) "So sexy! So, so, so sexy!"
Mrs. Evans decided to take charge. "Yes, well, Sirius, dear, that's all very nice, but perhaps we should all be going now; it's rather late, and--"
"All by myseeeeelf!" Sirius cut in soulfully, falling to his knees. A single, glistening tear streamed down his cheek. "Don't wanna be . . . all by myself anymore!"
"ALL BY MYSEEEELF!" Gilderoy Lockhart randomly appeared to sing out. He gave everyone a dazzling, sparkling, white-as-snow, swoon-inducing, soon-to-be award winning grin before disappearing again.
"All . . . by . . . myself . . ." echoed Sirius mournfully; pitch black overtook the room, and everyone exchanged half-terrified, half-relieved glances. Could it be? Was it truly . . . over?
Not quite, readers.
Because everyone knows that Sirius has got to go out with a bang.
"And I'm too sexy for this song," Sirius announced solemnly.
And too sexy for this fic.
So I'd better end it quick.
(Wasn't that slick?)