Knight: Um...booya?
Icy Cake: Yeah, it's not so funny. Two reasons for that. One, I suck at writing humor. Two, humor's the secondary genre, not the first. ^_^ I'll try to put in more humor, but like I said, I suck at it, so don't expect much in that direction.
Shadowthewindadept: ...Well, I'd disagree with the "greatest game ever made" comment, but it's your opinion...in my opinion, it IS a very good game, though.
Mr. Me: "All the peoples showy uppity?" Um...that's supposed to be "all the people show up," right? If so, yeah, it is gonna be a while.
???: Well, like I said above, I can't guarantee the humor. But I'll try! (long pause) Do you have a pen name here at FF.net? It feels weird having to refer to someone as a few punctuation marks, and MS Word doesn't like it, and when MS Word doesn't like something it starts doing evil things (like siccing the paper clip of DOOM who says "It looks like you're writing something. Let me change the first word to 'cheese'" on me!)...
WildfireDreams: Yeah, it is cool, isn't it? Garet's awesome. (pause) Can you believe I first typed your name as "Wildfire Cheese"? (slaps the paper clip of DOOM for giving him the idea.)
Knight: So, um...cookies for the five of you. Thanks for reviewing.
Disclaimer: I still don't own Golden Sun, FF7, or anything else that pops up in here that doesn't originally belong to me. (Pause.) But if Dark Side had a dollar for every stupid thing I've ever said, he'd have enough to buy the rights to all those and have enough left over to buy out Nintendo, Sony, and Microsoft and end the console war.
End the console war? Yeah, right.
Aaaaaaaand...ACTION!
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(Scene: Sector 7 train station. The train comes to a stop, and the conductor opens the door. Several people start running everywhere, evidently afraid of the redhead with a gun for an arm.)
Garet: What did I ever do to deserve this...? (Everyone else gets off, Isaac being last, and as the train pulls away, he calls everyone over) So, the mission was a success. But don't be lazy...
Isaac: Like you?
Garet: I resent that...-_- ANYWAY, as I was saying, don't get lazy, because the hard part's still to come. Hope you liked that explosion, 'cause the next one's gonna be even bigger.
Hsu: I sense a pyromaniac at hand...
Garet: Can I spend at least twenty-four hours not being the butt of everyone's jokes?
Isaac: No.
Garet: Damn it...Well, anyway, let's all meet up at the bar. (Everyone splits, leaving Isaac quite alone)
Isaac: I hate it when that happens. Everyone just suddenly disappears and leaves me all alone...(With no real interest, he starts heading towards the bar. Obviously bored out of his mind, he starts randomly tapping the scenery as he walks past it, when he notices that his finger doesn't quite reach the pile of rubble) What the hell?
Dark Side: I believe FF7 uses pre-rendered backgrounds.
Isaac: Which means?
Knight: Pre-rendered. Exactly what it sounds like. The background was rendered previously.
Dark Side: Simplification to the extreme...
Knight: Shut up.
(Isaac continues on to the Sector 7 bar, a.k.a. 7th Heaven.)
Dark Side: I don't like that show.
Knight: Shut up.
(As he approaches, a bunch of people run out, scared out of their minds as Garet chases them out)
Isaac: ...He's a bit of a blockhead, but I don't recall him being this violent...
Garet: I'm not a blockhead! (grumble) Anyway, I believe someone's waiting for you inside...
Isaac: (listening to a CD player)
Garet: Isaac!
Isaac: Oh, I'm sorry! Were you waiting for me to give a damn?
Dark Side: (to Knight) Oh, man, are our licensing fees gonna go through the roof...
Knight: (to Dark Side) Going to? They already have!
Dark Side: (to Knight) Point taken...
Isaac: (slips by Garet and enters the bar, where he sees Megan jumping around on the tables and looking rather tipsy) Megan? As in, Mia's apprentice, Megan?
(Yes, Mia's apprentice Megan.)
Isaac: Well, thanks for confirming it. Any reason why she's jumping on the tables and looking rather tipsy?
Jenna: She gave me the puppy-dog eyes. (walks out from behind the bar) Garet's gonna kill me, she's supposed to be his daughter.
Isaac: (considers the picture of Garet as a father for a second and shudders violently)
Jenna: So, I take it the mission was a success?
Isaac: Of course. After all, I was there. OW! (rubs the spot where Jenna just punched him)
Jenna: Right. Did you and Garet fight?
Isaac: Together, yes. With each other, also yes.
Jenna: Hm. It figures. When you were little you used to get into fights at the drop of a hat.
Knight: Whoa, jeez...! (drops his hat on the floor) Oh, crap...
Isaac: !!! (suddenly runs out of the bar. Screaming noises follow. He walks back in, a smile on his face)
Jenna: I didn't mean that literally, you dork. (notices flower sticking out of his pocket) Oh, is that a flower?
Deep Voice: No...I am Galgar-(Deep Voice is shot by Dark Side before licensing fees can skyrocket even more than they already have) Ow. (dies)
Isaac: ...Right. Yes, it's a flower. (Pause) What, did you want it or something?
Jenna: Well...um...(blushes) Maybe.
Isaac: Well, crap. I don't know whether to give this to you or Mia.
Dark Side: ...I'm not even going to bother pointing out what's wrong with that logic.
Garet: (entering the bar) Do so anyway. We like being entertained.
Dark Side: Don't you find it a bit odd that he might want to give the same flower he bought from Mia back to her?
Dora: Head-over-heels, I tell you...
Isaac: ......
Jenna: Why would you want to give it back to Mia? (suddenly grows very large horns and flames start dancing in her eyes) What does she have that I don't?!
Isaac: (gulp) Um...um...I can't not answer, can I?
Jenna: No. (still glaring at him)
Isaac: (gulps again) Look, I don't like either of you any better than the other...
Jenna: What?! (suddenly turns into a fire-breathing demon that towers over Isaac as well) And why is that, foolish mortal?!
Isaac: Eep...0_0
Dark Side: ...Where's Mia? I would've thought she put in a response by now...
(Backstage, Mia has plugged her ears and is humming a cross between "The Star-Spangled Banner" and the TLA credits theme)
Dark Side: Oh...
Knight: Jenna, please, just turn back to normal so we can get on with the story...
Jenna: (turns to him, still in her demon form) And why would I do that, mortal?
Dark Side: Think about it this way. The sooner this is over with, the sooner you can go back home.
Jenna: Oh. That's good enough. (turns back to normal human form)
Garet: That was the freakiest thing I've ever seen...Wait, something's missing...
Megan: WHHHHEEEEEE! (falls off one of the tables, gets back up, and immediately starts doing something between a cross of a ballet dance, the Macarena, and the chicken dance.)
Garet: ...Jenna, I'm going to kill you.
Jenna: Wow, I predicted the future. Go me.
Garet: ...Anyway, everyone wake up. We're heading downstairs.
Isaac: What stairs?
Garet: (walks over to the pinball machine and presses the start button, and as it goes down, he calls up) These stairs.
Isaac: Riiiight...(everyone else heads down except for him and Jenna)
Jenna: Sooo...wanna drink? (holds up a bottle of beer expectantly)
Isaac: Hey, you know what happened the last time I got drunk.
Jenna: (shudders at the memory) Good point...
Knight: Actually, that should just be plain water. I didn't want to risk anyone getting intoxicated on the set.
Isaac: Then what happened with Megan?
(Silence.)
Knight: That's...a good question...
Mia: (backstage) Actually, she's a Mercury Adept, and she's hyper already, so whenever she drinks a lot of water she gets on a bit of a sugar rush.
(Silence.)
Dark Side: You Mercury Adepts are oddballs. (is suddenly frozen by the combined efforts of two Glaciers [Mia and Alex] and a Diamond Berg [Picard]) Ow!
Isaac: I'd say something to the effect of "putting you on ice," but that's stupid. Oh well. (heads down via the pinball machine) I like pinball.
Knight: That was random...
Garet: (from downstairs) I like swords!
Dark Side: (unfrozen, but still shivering) That was even more random...(pause) Funny Garet should say that, seeing as how he has red-ish clothes and hair and is a bit of a blockhead...
(Downstairs, a TV is playing, Kyle and Hsu are playing cards on a table, Dora's working on something electronic, Megan is out cold and sleeping happily, and Garet is slamming the crap out of a punching bag.)
Newscaster Person Thingy on TV: We have just received word that Avalanche, the terrorist organization, has destroyed Aleph's No. 1 Alchemy Reactor.
Isaac: (muttering) Wow, it took you an hour to realize it...
NPToTV: Aleph Corporation is dispatching Soldier to deal with the threat. You may see random, muscular guys in the street carrying big-ass swords. If you do, just walk right by them. Ignore them. Go about your lives. Nothing to worry about, everything is just fine.
Isaac: (thinking) The power of denial...
Soldier Member on TV That's Dressed in Jungle Camouflage and Looks Suspiciously like Elmer Fudd While Standing Against a Bright Orange Wall: Be vewy, vewy quiet. We're hunting tewwowists. Uh-huh-huh-huh-huh...
Dark Side: (to Knight) ...That was from Robin Williams...that wasn't in the script, was it?
Knight: (to Dark Side) Nope...he is so gonna kill us...
SMoTVTDiJCaLSlEFWSAaBOW: And what're the chances that he's weading this wight now?
Knight: Slim to none, but it still exists...And stop speaking like Elmer Fudd, dammit!
SMoTVTDiJCaLSlEFWSAaBOW: Why should I? Uh-huh-huh-huh-huh...
Knight & Dark Side: ...
Garet: Hey, Isaac, I got a question for you.
Isaac: Shoot.
Garet: (blows a hole in the floor with his gunarm) I like this.
Isaac: 0_0
Garet: Hey, you told me to shoot.
Isaac: -_-
Garet: Anyway, seriously, was there anyone from Soldier fighting us today?
Isaac: There were the Aleph grunts.
Garet: I mean the group Soldier. You know, the one that's normally CAPITALIZED for absolutely no reason.
Isaac: Oh, that group Soldier.
Garet: Yeah, you know, the one you quit?
Isaac: Yeah, that group Soldier...
(Such intelligent conversations...)
Isaac: Why, thank you. Anyway, no, there was not anyone from Soldier fighting us today.
Garet: Really.
Isaac: Really. If there were, you'd be dead right now.
(Pause. Even the NPToTV and the SMoTVTDiJCaLSlEFWSAaBOW aren't saying anything.)
Garet: Don't you get all bigheaded just because you were in Soldier!
Isaac: Well, I am pretty strong. You gotta admit that.
Garet: No doubt. Probably everyone in Soldier is. But you're working for Avalanche now! Don't you dare get any ideas of hanging on to Aleph!
Isaac: (snorts) Hanging on to Aleph? You asked me a question and I answered it. Sheesh. (Turns towards the pinball elevator) I'm going upstairs. I want to talk about my money.
Jenna: (suddenly drops down) Isaac...?
Garet: Let him go, Jenna. Looks like he misses the Aleph corporation...
Isaac: Miss it? (lets out a very convincing devil-may-care laugh) I don't care about Aleph or Soldier. (waves a hand carelessly) But don't get me wrong. I don't care about Avalanche or Weyard for that matter. (He goes up on the pinball elevator)
Dora: (thinking) It's just the script...just the script...it is just the script, right? (checks the script) Yeah, it's just the script. Phew.
Dark Side: (to Knight) What's with the absence of humor all of a sudden?
Knight: (to Dark Side) I suck at writing humor. You know that. The reader knows it. I put it up at the beginning of this chapter for crying out loud.
Dark Side: (to Knight) Yeah, but one could accuse us of just cut-and-pasting the Golden Sun characters into FF7...
Knight: (to Dark Side) ...That is what we're doing. Besides, this can't be entirely humorous.
Dark Side: (to Knight) Yeah, but...
Knight: Just shut up and let's get on with the scene...
(Upstairs, Isaac's about to head outside when Jenna climbs up.)
Jenna: Isaac, c'mon. Why won't you join us?
Isaac: ...It's not my problem.
Jenna: Isaac, Weyard is dying. Slowly but surely, it's dying.
Felix (backstage): Wait, this sounds familiar...
Picard (backstage): Yes, it does! Did this FF7 rip off our game or what?!
Knight: ...Or what, Picard. FF7 came out about six or seven years before Lost Age.
Felix & Picard (both backstage): (stunned into silence)
Isaac: I'm not going to comment...(turns to leave) Look, I'll let Garet and his buddies do something about it. Like I said, not my problem.
Jenna: So you're really leaving? You're walking right out ignoring your childhood friend?
Isaac: Hm, lemme think...Yep, sounds about right.
Jenna: ...You forgot the promise, didn't you.
Isaac: Promise? What promise?
Jenna: Yeah, you forgot. -_- Seven years ago, at the well in Vale...
Isaac: Wait, there is a well in Vale? What's Vale, anyway?
Mia (backstage): ...I was right. We do need to work on his memory. _
Isaac: (plugs his ears) I didn't hear that...
Jenna: As I was saying...(pulls Isaac's fingers out of his ears) The well, in Vale, seven years ago. You asked me to come out and meet you.
Isaac: ......Oh! That well!
Jenna: Yes, that well...sigh.
(Scene: Seven years ago, at the well in Vale. Obviously. Fourteen-year-old Isaac-)
Isaac: Wait a second, I'm seventeen now! How can I be fourteen in the flashback if it's seven years ago?
(Your character is twenty-one.)
Isaac: Ohhhh...
(ANYWAY, fourteen-year-old Isaac [a.k.a., the Isaac at the very, very beginning of Golden Sun] is sitting on the well. Eventually, thirteen-year-old Jenna-)
Jenna: I'm seventeen-
(Same principle. Your character is twenty. Will you let me finish?!)
Jenna: Sorry...
(Thank you. Thirteen-year-old Jenna appears and sits down next to Isaac)
Thirteen-year-old Jenna: Sorry I'm late...What did you want to talk to me about?
Fourteen-year-old Isaac: Come this spring...I'm leaving for Tolbi...
TYO Jenna: Tolbi? It's not that far away, you know, only takes like ten minutes on the world map-
FYO Isaac: Jenna.
TYO Jenna & Jenna: Yes?
FYO Isaac: The smaller Jenna.
TYO Jenna: Yes?
FYO Isaac: Say your real line.
TYO Jenna: You're no fun. :p But yeah, all the boys are leaving...
FYO Isaac: Yeah, but I'm not gonna be like the others...I'm going to join Soldier. (He stands up) I'm going to be the best there is, just like Saturos.
TYO Jenna: Saturos...the Great Saturos?
(Pause.)
Both versions of Isaac & both versions of Jenna: WAAAAA HA HA HA HA HA!!
(All the other Adepts are laughing as well, even the Proxians, Knight, and Dark Side, with the one exception obviously being...)
Saturos: (backstage, throwing up his arms) Alright, I get it, I GET IT! I'm not so great! I admit it, so SHUT UP!
Isaac: (calming down and wiping his eyes on his sleeve) Sorry, but calling you the "great Saturos..." (sniggers) Even if you didn't say that at the Mercury Lighthouse, that's just too funny...
TYO Jenna: I know, seriously...(is almost drowning in her tears of laughter)
Knight: Meh, not really. I personally found him to be the second hardest boss in Golden Sun.
Saturos: (backstage) HA! See?! Someone who acknowledges my strength!
Knight: ...on my first run-through. On every subsequent run-through, he was cake.
Saturos: (backstage, now fuming) Why's everyone so mean to me...?
Dark Side: 'Cause you're just so darn makefunofable. (holds up sign that says "That word doesn't belong to us. Don't sue.")
FYO Isaac: Eh, I hate to say this, but maybe we should continue our conversation.
Jenna: Spoilsport. Mini-me, punch him, will you?
TYO Jenna: Okay! (punches FYO Isaac on the shoulder)
FYO Isaac: Ow! Jeez...!
Dark Side: Alright, this is getting too weird...Just get on with the scene...
FYO Isaac: Yeah...right...
TYO Jenna: (giggles) Um...isn't it hard to join Soldier?
FYO Isaac: Yeah. I probably won't be able to come back for a while.
(Pause)
TYO Jenna: Will you be in the newspapers if you do well?
FYO Isaac: You mean Weyard Weekly? (suddenly gets a large bruise out of nowhere) OW! Who did that?!
Dark Side: (raising hand as sword scabbard comes flying back like a boomerang) Me. I don't like shameless plugs.
Knight: But that fanfic's funny, you gotta admit...
Dark Side: Yes, but we don't need any more diversions from the topic at hand.
Knight: ...You made a semi-shameless plug yourself with the word "makefunofable..."
Dark Side: ...That wasn't a plug, it's one word. How can that be a plug if chances are no one is going to read the story it came from, and we don't mention the title?
Garet: (backstage, currently) Um, guys? Can we get on with the story?
Knight: ...whoops...
FYO Isaac: Well, whatever. I might be in the papers.
TYO Jenna: Hey, can we make a promise?
(Pause.)
FYO Isaac: That...was...rather sudden.
TYO Jenna: Yes, it was. Can we?
FYO Isaac: Maybe. What is it?
TYO Jenna: Um...if I'm ever in trouble...or something like that...and you're really famous...I want you to come rescue me...
(Pause.)
FYO Isaac: Why me?
TYO Jenna: I just want to experience being rescued by my hero...at least once.
FYO Isaac: ...?
TYO Jenna: Just promise me, alright?
FYO Isaac: (sigh) Alright. I promise.
Isaac: Of course, if I had said anything else at the time, she would have clobbered me. OW!
Jenna: (just clobbered Isaac) And yet I did so anyway. Funny how things work out.
(Scene: Back in the 7th Heaven bar. I know you don't like the show, Dark Side, so not a word.)
Dark Side: Damn.
Jenna: You remember now, don't you?
Isaac: Remember? Me? I'm supposed to be like the most amnesiac hero in Final Fantasy! I don't remember jack **** about my past!
Knight: Isaac, are you reading ahead in the script?
Isaac: (sweatdrop) Sorry.
Knight: Just don't do it again...
Jenna: So as I was saying, you remember the promise, so you still have to keep it...
Isaac: I'm not a hero and I'm not famous. I can't keep it in the first place.
Jenna: But you got your childhood dream, didn't you? You joined Soldier...
Isaac: Actually, I-ow!
Dark Side: (recovers sword scabbard again) There might be the occasional odd person who's reading this who hasn't played FF7.
Knight: Oh, that's likely.
Dark Side: One of your first reviewers said he hasn't played it...
Knight: ...Stop clouding the issue with facts.
Isaac: Look...Maybe I did join Soldier, but...
(At that point, Garet climbs up)
Garet: Wait, Mr. Big-time. A promise is a promise, so here. (tosses 1500 coins to Isaac)
Isaac: What...this is my pay? Don't make me laugh.
Jenna: ...?
Isaac: You got the next mission lined up? I'll do it for 3000.
Garet: Say what?!
Isaac: I'm a mercenary, genius. Maybe I'll take a slight reduction, but that's it.
Garet: (seems to be considering this) Two thousand.
Ivan & Sheba: HAPPY NEW YEAR! (fireworks go off)
Knight: ...I thought they were oddly quiet. Dark Side?
Dark Side: I'm on it. (Casts Liquifier on Ivan and Sheba, sending them scurrying backstage) Wasn't that an actual riff used in an MST of FF7?
Knight: Yep. We're so dead. (hides sign that says "Don't sue me!")
Jenna: (stifling giggles) So, will you take it, Isaac?
Isaac: Yeah, yeah, sure...
(Scene: The next day. Isaac takes the pinball elevator up to the main floor of the bar. Jenna and Garet are already there.)
Garet: Hey. The next target's the No. 5 Reactor. Get to the station first and I'll fill you in on the train.
Isaac: Uh-huh.
(Silence.)
Garet: This is sounding very spontaneous, but I don't know how to use Materia.
Isaac: Neither do I.
Garet: They told you to read the script.
(Silence.)
Dark Side: (groans) Okay, look, there's Materia slots in your weapon and armor. You put green Materia orbs in to gain the ability or abilities it grants, like Cure. And they can be leveled up in a way. By fighting enough battles, it'll grow levels and give you abilities like Cure2 and Cure3. Summons are self-explanatory, Independent does weird stuff like increase your HP and whatnot, Support, when linked with magic or summons, can do things like absorb HP or affect all targets when that thing is cast, and Command gives you extra commands in battle like stealing. Is that simple enough for you to understand?
Isaac & Garet: I resent that!
Dark Side: I know you do. Do you understand it?
Isaac: More or less...
Garet: About as much as I understand the square root of negative one.
(Pause.)
Knight: It's i.
Garet: Really? I for Isaac?
Knight: No, i for imaginary number. Just get moving.
Isaac: Right.
Jenna: And you're not leaving without me. I'm coming along.
Isaac: Well, of course there's no stopping you now that you've said this. (Pause.) Wait, me, Garet, and Jenna? Why does this sound so familiar?
Knight: I can tell ya that the No. 5 Reactor is not like Sol Sanctum in any way, shape, or form.
Isaac: Okay, good. I was starting to have deja vu.
Dark Side: Ah, yes, deja vu, the strange feeling that you've experienced something like this before.
Knight: Ah, yes, deja vu, the strange feeling that you've experienced something like this before.
Dark Side: Ah, yes, deja vu...
Knight: A glitch in the Matrix...
Adepts: _
Knight & Dark Side: What?
Garet: None of that was funny.
Knight: Shut up.
Jenna: So, we're leaving now, right? Hey, Megan, take care of the place while we're gone!
Megan: (still looking extremely tipsy) Okay! (hiccup) Ooh, look, I can blow bubbles into the pwetty water...
Garet: Are you sure it's a good idea to leave the shop in a drunken little girl's hands?
Jenna: Oh, she's too tipsy to get herself into any trouble anyway.
Isaac: Jenna, people being tipsy are the main cause of trouble in a place like this.
Jenna: You have now lost all speaking privileges.
Isaac: I-(his mouth keeps moving, but he makes no sound) !!!
Dark Side: ...The power of the female. That must've been how he was mute in the first game...
Jenna: Alright, Dark Side, now you have lost all speaking privileges.
Dark Side: Say wha-(again, mouth keeps moving, but no sound is made) !!! (starts making very rude gestures at Jenna)
Knight: (sighs and cures both sudden muteness victims with author powers) I would recommend not doing that again, Jenna.
Jenna: And who says I have to take your recommendation?
Knight: Isaac's big-ass sword does.
Jenna: HA! I am woman! This "big-ass sword" you speak of shall have no effect on me!
Knight: ...I'm...going to pretend she didn't say that...
Isaac: I'm scared now. 0_0
(Scene: On the train. Kyle, Dora, and Hsu are in the car up ahead, while Isaac, Garet, and Jenna are in the car at the very end of the train. Garet scares everyone away except for one person dressed in Aleph uniform. By the way, he's Random GS NPC #1.)
Random GS NPC #1, a.k.a. Aleph Employee: Oh boy...those guys look like trouble...why does this always happen to me...
Garet: (runs past AE as he sits down, and starts looking around wildly at the end of the car) You say something? (looks around again) I said, you say something? (Pause) I said, "I said, you say something?" (Turns around and walks right up to AE) Well, would you look at that! It's empty all of a sudden! Now why would you suppose that is?
Aleph Employee: Um...(shivers as Garet glares at him) It's empty...'cause...of hoodlums...like you...
Garet: (slams his gunarm down on the back of the bench, making AE jump again)
Aleph Employee: Eep!
(Pause)
Aleph Employee: Haven't you seen the news? Avalanche says there'll be more bombings...
Isaac: We have? What, were we at a press conference or something in our sleep? OW! (unexpectedly falls unconscious when Jenna smacks him over the head)
Aleph Employee: ...Only devoted employees like me would go to Aleph HQ on a day like today...
Garet: Ah. So you work for Aleph?
Aleph Employee: (quite stubbornly) I'm not giving in to violence. And I'm not giving you my seat, either!
Garet: When the hell did I say I wanted your seat?
Jenna: Garet...just get back here...
Garet: (glares at Aleph Employee as he stalks off to the back of the car)
Isaac: (who was just revived by Knight's author powers) So, what're we doing now?
Garet: ...What are you so calm about? You're busting up my rhythm...
Knight: Bewaaaaarrrreee the rhhhhyyyythmmmm...or the groove, whatever-OW!
Dark Side: (catches sword scabbard again) One more The Emperor's New Groove reference and I'll force you to watch it seventeen times in a row.
Knight: WAGH! Anything but THAT!
Dark Side: How about forcing you to play through Bomberman Hero's entire 1-player mode? Or how about forcing you to finish Mario Party 4's story mode with everyone?
Knight: ...I'd...take Emperor's New Groove...
Dark Side: I thought so.
(Train suddenly starts moving.)
Jenna: Seems like they just finished connecting the cars. We're finally leaving.
Isaac: So, again, what're we doing now? What's our next target?
Garet: Mr. Serious-about-his-work all of a sudden...Alright. Dora's probably already told you-
Isaac: Nope, I skipped that conversation.
Garet: ...I hate you. Anyway, there's a security checkpoint at the top plate. It's an ID scan system checking all the trains.
Jenna: Which Aleph is very proud of.
Garet: And we can't use our fake ID's anymore...
(Pause)
Isaac: And you didn't say anything about that before, WHY?!
Jenna: Plot device.
Isaac: I thought plot devices were supposed to help?!
Freaky Announcer Voice Thingy: Good morning, and welcome to Tolbi Airline...wait, sorry, Tolbi Lines. This is a train, dammit...that's the second time this week I've done that... We'll be arriving at Sector 4 at 11:45.
Jenna: Hm. So we only have three more minutes to the ID checkpoint.
Isaac: ...The ID checkpoint, not the station.
Jenna: Yes.
Isaac: ...How did you figure that out?
Jenna: Plot device.
Isaac: I'll smack you over the head if you say "plot device" again.
Jenna: You have now lost all moving privileges.
Isaac: What? (suddenly finds that he's paralyzed stiff) HEY!
Jenna: Mwa ha ha ha ha...
Knight: (uses author powers to unfreeze Isaac) I'd really stop that if I were you, Jenna. We wouldn't want to hold up this story too much.
Jenna: We don't? (Knight groans)
Garet: So, in three minutes, we're jumping off this train.
Isaac: ...But what if we don't end up where we want to be?
Garet: We'll use a plot device, Isaac...
Isaac: ...I'm going to shut up now and not provoke any of you into saying "plot device."
Garet & Jenna: (evil grins) Plot device plot device PLOT DEVICE!
Isaac: ARRGGHH!! (curls up into a ball and starts whimpering)
(Silence.)
(Alarms go off.)
Jenna: Wha? It's early!
FAVT: Unauthorized ID found. Whoever is in possession of those unauthorized ID's, please stay still while we send authorities to apprehend you and send you off to prison. Have a nice day.
Isaac: What...have a nice day? HAVE A NICE DAY?! AHHHHHHHHH!!! LEMME OUT OF HERE!! (dives out the closed window, shattering it in the process)
Adepts (sans Isaac, obviously), Knight, and Dark Side: 0_0
Jenna: Well, he jumped off the train. Guess we should follow his lead.
Garet: I suppose. (Opens the door and jumps out, with Jenna behind him.)
(Scene: In a tunnel. Isaac is on the ground, twitching violently. Garet and Jenna are standing over him, shaking their heads.)
Garet: What do you have against the words "have a nice day"?
Isaac: AHHH!! (stands up and claps hand over Garet's mouth) Do not speak the phrase! The phrase is eeeeviiilllll...evil like weevil beetles...
Garet & Jenna: (huge sweatdrop)
Knight: I think I get his logic. For me, every time the phrase was said, the day that followed was absolutely horrific.
Isaac: Yes! Yes, that's it exactly! If I weren't straight I'd kiss you!
Everyone except Isaac: 0_0
Dark Side: AGH! BAD IMAGE! BAD IMAGE!! OUT OF MY HEAD!! (starts whacking his own head with the blunt side of the sword)
Knight: ...Isaac?
Isaac: Yes?
Knight: (waves hand) You have now lost all speaking privileges.
Isaac: Wha-(You know the drill.) !!! ... . .. . ...!
Jenna: Hey, I thought I was the only one who could do that!
Mia: (backstage) I could do it too...I think any woman can do it to any boy.
Sheba: (backstage) And I'll prove it! Felix has lost all speaking privileges!
Felix: (yep, backstage) Hu-(Take a guess. Just guess.) !!! (starts making rude gestures)
Sheba: (backstage, removing Felix's muteness) That's how he was mute in TLA!
Jenna: Wait...waaaaiiiit a minute...does that mean Knight's actually a gi-
Knight: (turning red) NO! I'm the author! I have author powers! That's how I did it!
Jenna: Sure, whatever you say...
Knight: ...Just get on with the level before you make me kill you...
Jenna: Sure, like you could.
Dark Side: (is now twitching on ground) I'm scarred for life...
(To make another long story short, they head through the first half of the reactor, meeting weak enemies, Isaac's re-found muteness, and Kyle, Dora, and Hsu. How they got there is beyond the author's concern.)
Garet: We haven't said much, have we?
Isaac: ............
Garet: I thought so.
Isaac: ......
Knight: Does anyone know what he's thinking?
Ivan: (backstage, reading Isaac's mind) Oh, something along the lines of murdering you.
Isaac: (nods)
Knight: I thought so...You do realize if you murder me, the backbone of this little world I created, it's going to collapse with you and all your friends in it?
Isaac: ...... (thinking) Sadist...
Ivan: (backstage, reading Isaac's mind again) Yes. Yes, he is.
Knight: Hm? Yes, I am what?
Ivan: (backstage) Oh, nothing...
(They head through the second half of the reactor. Isaac notes that it looks exactly like the second half of the first reactor, but he cannot point this out.)
Isaac: .... ........ (thinking) Damn straight...
(They get to the reactor core. And Isaac suddenly falls over, clutching his head)
Garet: What? I didn't do anything, I swear!
(When Isaac looks up, he sees a different reactor core, and a five-year-younger Jenna kneeling over Random GS NPC #2 and a wound in said NPC's stomach.)
FYY Jenna: Papa? (she examines the wound) Saturos...did Saturos do this to you...?
(Long pause.)
FYY Jenna: Saturos, Soldier, Alchemy Reactors, Aleph...they're all evil...I hate them all...(she grabs a really long sword and runs forward into another room)
Random GS NPC #2: Wait...I'm not quite dead yet...
(Isaac blacks out again, and when he wakes up, he finds himself back in the original reactor core.)
Isaac: The hell...?! Wait, I'm speaking again!
Knight: Yeah, you have lines for this scene. Just don't press your luck again.
Isaac: Okay! ^_^ But what was that all about?
Jenna: What was what all about? C'mon, just set up us the bomb.
Dark Side: (glares at Knight again)
Knight: What? (checks script) I didn't put it in there, the line looks normal...(glares at Jenna)
Jenna: Sorry! Couldn't resist. ^_^
Garet: ...Listen to her, Isaac. You set up the bomb.
Isaac: Why me?
Jenna: You're the main character.
Garet: And we like being sadistic to the main character.
Isaac: ...Is that why Cloud has all these freaky flashbacks? Because FF7's script writer liked being sadistic to the main character?
Dark Side: Probably...
Isaac: Grumble grumble, mutter mutter, destroy, have a nice day...(plants bomb on reactor and sets the timer) Wait, where's the game timer?
Knight: For some odd reason it's not there.
Isaac: ...So technically, I could set this bomb to blow up in three seconds, but it still won't blow up until we leave.
Dark Side: Most likely. I wouldn't try pushing your luck though.
Isaac: Okay...
(To make another long story short [i.e., to show off the author's laziness], they head back through the reactor, and Garet and Jenna now ignore Isaac when he points out how similar it is to the first. Eventually they reach a room with three big buttons on a table.)
Jenna: Ah, I remember this. Dora said something like we have to push all three buttons at the same time...
Garet: Oooohh, pretty...(starts randomly pressing the buttons, a childish look of amusement on his face.)
Jenna: ...Um, Garet?
Isaac: Shiny. I like shinys. Shinys are shiny. (starts examining buttons with a magnifying glass)
Jenna: ...Isaac?
Garet: (throws himself onto the buttons) Hey, it's not a very comfortable bed! FALSE ADVERTISING!
Isaac: (smacks Garet over the head) You idiot! I was...(dramatic pause) examining those!
(A hiss comes from the room next door.)
Isaac & Garet: ...We didn't do nothing...
Jenna: (checking the room next door) ...except open the door leading out of here! Brilliant!
Isaac & Garet: We did?
Jenna: ...Alright, that's it. You two follow me.
Isaac & Garet: Yes ma'am! (snap salutes and march behind Jenna as she leads them to the bridge outside.)
(...where they are surrounded by Aleph guards on either side)
Garet: What the hell?!
Isaac: That was rather spontaneous...
Old Man Voice: No, soldiers, do not shoot. I wish to speak with them.
Isaac: Wait...that voice...
(They whirl around to see an old man with a cane coming out of the reactor.)
Isaac: President Babi!
Garet: President?! Since when did he become president?
Knight: Since I decided that he'd be a perfect fit for President Shinra.
Alex: (backstage-wow, he hasn't said much, has he?) But I thought he was dead? I confirmed it myself...
Felix: (backstage) Oh, you confirmed it yourself, eh Alex?
Alex: (backstage) Wait, wait...I didn't mean anything like that, I mean I just heard from a reliable source that he was dead...
Felix: (backstage) Yeah, sure...
Babi: My will to live is stronger than you may think, you young whippersnappers.
Felix & Alex: (backstage) Whippersnappers?! Let's see you say that again, /-\55|-|0|_3! (Felix draws the Sol Blade, Alex raises a hand to strike with Alchemy)
Knight: Look, I don't like him either, but like I said, he's a perfect fit for President Shinra. And I revived him for this.
Babi: How dare you not acknowledge my superiority!
Isaac: ...Can I kill him?
Knight: Later. Just get on with the stupid scene...
Babi: And why should I listen to you, young'un? (suddenly finds a sword at his throat)
Dark Side: (is the one holding the sword) Because if you don't, you'll die a second time. And keep in mind I have fire spells, and I can cast them from behind the camera.
Babi: ...
Knight: Good boy.
Sheba: (backstage) Booya! Evil git gets what he deserves!
Isaac: Heh...
Babi: (reluctantly, as though he has somewhere else to be) So, you must be that terrorist group...what did you call it?
Garet: Avalanche! And don't you forget it!
Isaac: (walks forward a bit, past Garet) Long time no see, President. (Sarcasm drips heavily from the last word)
Babi: Long time no...Ah. You must be the one who quit Soldier and joined Avalanche. Tell me, what is your name?
Isaac: Isaac...
Babi: Ah, yes...Forgive me for asking that, but I am not expected to remember everyone's name. Unless you become another Saturos...(He's still saying all this reluctantly, by the way, and he's not being in-character by doing so) Ah, yes, Saturos...He was brilliant. Perhaps too brilliant...
Isaac: ...Saturos...?
Garet: (shoves Isaac out of the way and shakes his gunarm at Babi) I don't give a damn about any of that! Pretty soon this place is gonna go up in flames! Serves you right, bastard!
Babi: And such a waste of fireworks, just to get rid of vermin like you...
Garet: Vermin? That all you can say? You Aleph people are the vermin, killing the planet! And that makes you King Vermin! So shut up!
Babi: You are beginning to bore me. I'm a very busy man, so if you'll excuse me, I have a dinner to attend.
Garet: ...Dinner? What the HELL?!
Babi: Plus, I have arranged a playmate for you all...
Isaac: Oh, AGH! BAD IMAGE! (Jenna smacks him over the head) OW!
(A robot with a jet-pack thingy arrives, swerving around Garet and Jenna.)
Garet: What the hell is this?!
Babi: Airbuster, a techno-soldier. Our weapon development department created him. I'm sure the data he'll extract from your dead bodies will be of great use to us in future experiments.
Isaac: ...Sometimes, I wonder which is the more evil in RPGs, science or religion...(draws his big sword)
Babi: Now, then, if you'll excuse me...(Mini-Lemurian flying ship appears, Babi gets on, and he leaves as Isaac makes a very rude gesture at him)
Garet: Um, Isaac...
Isaac: What? (turns to see Airbuster cornering Garet and Jenna) Oh...
Jenna: Is this from Soldier or something?
Isaac: Nope, just a machine. Let's take it.
(Battle transition! Airbuster appeared!)
Isaac: What the? What's with this setup?
(Garet and Jenna are on one side of the Airbuster, and Isaac is behind it.)
Garet: Wait, we have him surrounded!
Dark Side: Exactly. And remember I said earlier that attacks from behind deal more damage?
Isaac: ...SWEET! (casts Bolt on Airbuster, dealing somewhere around 150-200 damage) MWA HA HA!
(As Airbuster turns around to face Isaac, Jenna punches it in the back, making it turn around again. It hits Garet with a round of bullets, and hits Isaac with the guns on its back)
Isaac: Guns on its back?! That's not fair! (he and Garet are suddenly surrounded by little green lights) What was that?
Jenna: Cure. The Final Fantasy version. (She's the one who just cast it, thanks to the Restore Materia in her glove.)
Isaac: Cool. (He uses Braver on Airbuster's back, and after it turns around, Garet smacks it in the back with a Big Shot. Both of their Limit Breaks became active when they were hit, obviously)
(...And Airbuster starts staggering)
Isaac: What? (counts off on his fingers) It went down in FOUR HITS! What kinda pathetic boss is that?! None of the bosses in Golden Sun went down in four hits if they weren't summon rushed!
Dark Side: It's very pathetic, yeah. I think it's the easiest boss in the game...
(Airbuster suddenly explodes, taking a part of the walkway in it. Isaac is thrown up into the air by the explosion, and Garet and Jenna aren't. Isaac manages to grab on to a piece of shrapnel from the remains of the walkway.)
Isaac: Wait, how come I was thrown into this position and Garet and Jenna didn't even get hit by the explosion?
Jenna: Isaac...
Isaac: Yeah, yeah, right...Plot device.
(Reactor suddenly starts shaking violently)
Garet: It's gonna blow! Let's move it, Jenna!
Jenna: But what about Isaac?
Garet: Hey, if I could hold on for fifteen minutes at Jupiter Lighthouse, he can hold on for just as long.
Jenna: But you said it yourself, the reactor's gonna blow in a bit...
Garet: Well...um...damn! I can't do a thing!
Isaac: (is slipping) Hey! Little help here?!
Garet: Didn't you hear me? I can't do anything! (Pause) You gonna be okay?
Isaac: ...Just get out of here. Actually, chances are I'll survive. Remember, falling off cliffs is an excellent cure for injuries...
Jenna: Oh, yeah...If someone is shot, stabbed, mangled, and then tossed off a cliff, he'll return later perfectly unharmed...
Isaac: Exactly. I'll be fine, just get out of here.
(At that moment, the reactor starts exploding, and Isaac loses his grip, falling into the slums below...)
Knight: Aaaaaaaand...Cut!
Isaac: (frozen in midair) What?! You're cutting it there? Just when I'm falling?
Knight: Yep. You said yourself you'll be fine...
Isaac: (still frozen in midair) Doesn't mean this is a very comfortable position!
Knight: :p Too bad.
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Knight: ...6000 words for this chapter. Is that too much? Well, not much else to say. Review, or, um...
Isaac: (yep, still frozen in midair) Guys? Hello? Still up here! Someone help! I HATE CLIFFHANGERS!
Knight: ...or you'll be frozen in midair next to Isaac?
Isaac: (in a position to play poker with the birds) HEY!
Dark Side: ...That's gotta be the most pathetic "get-'em-to-review" threat I've ever heard...
Knight: Yep. Just review. See ya next chapter.