Oversights and Mishaps

Mulch was leaning back in his uncomfortable plastic chair. "Satisfied, Julius?" He asked with a smirk on his face. Commander Root turned, if possible, a deeper shade of red than usual, making him appear like some sort of hybrid tomato mutant.

Root looked up from Mulch's warrant. "Shut your mouth, convict! I issued that warrant myself! I'm absolutely sure it was before the equinox, and not after!" Root roared, while spewing bits of saliva and cigar on Mulch.

Mulch was unperturbed, casually wiping off the spittle. "As I recall, commander, you are bound to release me. Section 82 line 31 clearly states-"

"I don't need a convict like you to lecture me on the law! I don't know how you did it, but I know, somehow, you wormed your way out of this! Illegally, no doubt!"

"There's no way that he could have hacked into the micro-site and changed the date, Julius. He's a computer doofus if I ever knew one," Foaly commented, frowning.

"Now, now, pony boy, I'm injured! Doofus?"

"Foaly! Don't ever call me Julius, do you understand? That's unless you wish to ingest your hooves! And you! Convict! Shut your mouth!" Root was quickly losing control.

Foaly sneaked a glance at the commander's face. Not a pretty sight. One would almost expect to be able to fry an egg on it. Foaly briefly thought of passing a smarmy comment, then decided against it. "Yes, Commander Root," he mumbled resignedly, rolling his eyes and swishing his tail petulantly.

"If I had a gold coin for each time you told me to shut up, I'd be robbing myself, that's how rich I'd be," quipped Mulch, grinning smugly. "Anyway, about my release…" Mulch cleared his throat rather obviously.

"If Artemis Fowl wasn't mind-wiped, I would say that he had a hand it this," Captain Holly Short said through narrowed eyes.

"Puh-lease! I'm so insulted. Fowl may be good, but technology is my domain. Best under the earth. No way he could have hacked into my computers," Foaly sulked.

"All this chatter is irrelevant. All I want to know is- when am I getting out of this dump?" Mulch continued. "You have kept me here for over 48 hours, and, as I recall, that is the absolute detainment limit, considering you have no warrant." Mulch smirked again, pausing to witness the effect of his carefully chosen words on the commander.

"We have a warrant, convict!" Root almost howled in fury.

"Too bad it's null and void, huh?"

Commander Root's face turned a spectacular shade of purple, before changing it's hue to red, and finally settling on green. Finally Root sighed, the image of a defeated fairy. Grudgingly, reluctantly, he approached Mulch and undid his manacles. "You're free to go." He spat the words out, as though they left a foul taste in his mouth.

"Why, Julius, I didn't know you cared." And with that parting line, Mulch skipped out of the Police Plaza, practically beside himself with barely contained laughter, leaving one very irritated Commander Root.

*

Mulch strolled away jauntily, whistling a merry tune. Thanks to Artemis, he walked free. He shuddered as he thought of a 23 year long sojourn in the prisons, perhaps with a troll roommate, or even worse, a goblin one. All because he borrowed a few bars of gold from the Lower Elements Police.

 Although perhaps borrowed was not the right term to use, as he really had no intention of giving it back, but Mulch had never been one for minor, unimportant details. Mulch sighed. Trust the LEP to make a big fuss over nothing at all. You would have thought he had killed their best friend or something.

Nevertheless, he was pleased to have escaped so cleanly. The apoplectic fury Julius exhibited was really the icing on the cake. Goading Root was one of his favourite pastimes, although one that had earned him frequent stays in 'government hotels' and the like.

Now, the question was, what exactly would he do now he was free? He was a free dwarf, but a destitute one. Never mind, at least he had swiped Julius's wallet on his way out. Unfortunately, it only contained a few coins, hardly enough to buy him even a gold watch. After removing all valuables from it and drawing beards and moustaches on Root's ID and field access card with non-removable ink, he mailed it back to the commander, pausing a while to imagine the look on Root's face when he saw it

 At any rate, he needed to visit Artemis Fowl. Give him some crummy half-ounce 'gold' medallion, though he had some suspicions on that, as Mulch was one of the best dwarfs in the tunnelling business and could smell real gold from a mile away. Hopefully whatever it was (Mulch was sure it wasn't a real medallion any more than it was gold) could trigger of Artemis's memories and they could go and rob a bank or two. Mulch sighed. Happy days awaited. Where was that stupid medallion anyway? Mulch rummaged for a while in his many pockets.

Mulch reached into his back trouser pocket and took out the medallion, or rather, what was left of it. He eyes widened slowly in horror. No, it was impossible… He groaned as he remembered that he had put it there right before he sat down in the interview room. So that was the small tinkling sound he had heard earlier. Smashed, crushed, shattered into infinitesimal pieces, whatever, the fact was that it was broken. Just like Mulch's hopes.

Maybe whatever it was could still trigger Artemis's memories in this broken state, or maybe it could be fixed, he thought, a faint glimmer of hope welling in his chest. He peered carefully at it. It appeared to be the remains of a tiny, gold-plated CD-ROM.

Mulch groaned, chagrined at this very much unwelcome revelation. It could not be fixed, then, nor would it trigger Artemis's memories. Artemis would not be happy… then again, Mulch thought humourlessly, Artemis probably wouldn't remember the task he had assigned Mulch and therefore would have no reason to be unhappy.

Face set, Mulch set for the surface, stopping only briefly to obtain a large quantity of sunblock. He had an appointment at Fowl manor, even if it was hopeless, he added glumly.

*

Foaly stretched luxuriously on his plasma tiles. After the B'wa Kell incident and the Jon Spiro fiasco, he finally had some time off. He decided resolutely to study Artemis memories. He had promised himself that he would one day find out what made this prodigy tick, and he finally had the time to do it, so…

Good thing really he had made a copy while mind-wiping Artemis to erase his memories of the People. Otherwise, he would have been reduced to playing solitaire on his computer. Absolutely inappropriate for a centaur as intelligent as he.

Foaly felt a small pang at the memory of Artemis. Surprisingly, Foaly found that he actually missed the Mud Boy. After all, he was the only one who understood Foaly's lectures. A small part of him almost wished that Fowl hadn't been mind-wiped A very small part, he said to himself sternly.

And anyway, the commander had no such misgivings, and it was ultimately the commander who made the decisions. After all, to use Root's own words, all he had to do was push the button. Foaly gritted his teeth as he recalled the expression. He was the stereotypical unappreciated genius indeed. Push the button. That expression still made his blood boil. Anyway, he thought, back to Fowl's memories.

Foaly spent hours looking through Artemis Fowl's memories. He was thoroughly fascinated by the information it divulged. Then he frowned… strange, he thought as he encountered a particular recent happening, why in the world would Artemis request Butler to ask his contact in Limerick to make mirrored contact lenses? Perhaps they were a new fad, an alternative to sunglasses, Foaly thought whimsically. Then again, Artemis never wore sunglasses, except only to escape being mesmerized. Foaly afforded himself another chuckle at the thought of Artemis sporting Ray Bans.

Then it occurred to him. Fowl only wore mirrored sunglasses to escape the mesmer…Foaly fast-forwarded the memories, a drop of sweat trickling down his brow. There! The medallion, no, the real medallion was kept inside his bedroom, under his bed… Foaly blanched. Fowl had handed a disk to Mulch…but a disk containing what? What else, sniggered Foaly's mind. That cunning little devil… somehow that Fowl character had found a way to outsmart the LEP. Again. He groaned loudly.

"Root! Get in here!"

Root appeared, not at all amused. "What is it now, donkey boy?" He remarked acidly. Root did not appreciate any interruption to his personal time with his flask They had been getting along so well, too.

"Fowl, he… he… the medallion…" Foaly was at a loss for words.

"In case you've forgotten, Foaly, Fowl has been mind wiped. He, and his medallion, are no longer LEP business. Besides, his medallion is with Mulch, remember?" Root squinted at Foaly, swaying slightly while taking another long drink from his flask. He belched loudly.

"That's the point, Julius!" Foaly shouted. "The 'momento' he gave to Mulch was a convenient fiction! It was a disk!" Foaly roared loudly

"So what? Artemis can give disks to Mulch if he likes," continued the commander, still swaying, trying to recall something about force-feeding Foaly his hooves and Foaly calling him Julius.

"Not when the disks contain his memories he can't!" Foaly yelled again.

Root paused, his mental faculties desperately trying to understand Foaly's words in his intoxicated state. Bleary eyes widened. "D'Arvit."

"Yes, D'Arvit!"

"Holly, get in here!" Root yelled to outside the Operations room.

Holly appeared quickly. "Yessir, commander. You called?"

*

Having been notified of Fowl's cunning gambit, Holly groaned loudly. "Trust Artemis to try and cheat the LEP," she said resignedly. "It does sound like something Artemis would do."

"Holly, we'll need you to intercept Mulch on his way to Fowl Manor. That's our only hope. Artemis must not recall his memories, understood?" Root said soberly, a novelty for him.

"Sir yes sir," she replied.

"You're running hot, right?" Root asked with a piercing look.

"Of course, sir." However, in actuality, she had not performed the Ritual for a while already. She was not about to tell Root that and get herself excluded from this all important mission, though, especially when she was the reigning expert on Artemis Fowl.

"Good luck, Captain Short," Root said tersely.

"Thank you, Commander," she replied before going out, her mouth a grim slash. Trust Fowl to outwit the fairies again somehow… or rather, don't trust him at all in the first place. Yet a small part of her hoped that Artemis would remember. There was something about that boy, an excitement that he brings… Brought, she told herself firmly. Brought.

Firmly putting such mutinous thoughts out of her mind, she dwelled on the possibility that she already was too late and Fowl had already regained his memories, and was presently plotting another dastardly plan against the LEP.

Face set, Holly set for the surface, stopping only briefly to obtain a set of wings and her neutrino blaster. She had an appointment at Fowl manor, even if it was hopeless, she added glumly.