Crimes

"So you want asylum." It was not a question.

"Um… well… yes."

"Explain to me again why exactly I should let you reside in my abode." Artemis crossed his arms, looking intently at Mulch.

"Well, see, after I helped you recover your memories-"

"Which you only did after bungling a straightforward assignment, yes."

Mulch ignored him. "As I said, after I helped you recover your memories, the LEP are frantically dredging up random accusations against me, totally unfounded, I assure you, trying to put me away. Probably vengeance motivated. These LEP guys really can hold a grudge. Did I tell you about the time-"

Artemis raised an eyebrow, unconvinced, and interrupted Mulch's wartime story. "Unfounded? Just how unfounded were these accusations?"

"Okay, maybe not unfounded, but blown totally out of proportion." Mulch rectified his earlier statement.

Artemis rolled his eyes. "What did you do this time, Mulch?"

"Everything, or just the abridged version?"

"On the other hand, forget it." Artemis sighed and rubbed his temple.

"So… can I stay?" Mulch enquired hopefully.

"I suppose," muttered Artemis grudgingly. Mulch had helped him regain his memories, even if not in the most polished manner. "But you are getting out before my parents return in two weeks time, right?"

Mulch pretended not to hear him. "So, where do I sleep?"

"I repeat, you are getting out before my parents return." This time, it was not a question.

Mulch's shoulders sagged. "I suppose," he said grudgingly.

"Good. You can stay in the servants quarters."

"Jeez, so much for 'old times sakes', huh?" Mulch asked impudently, grumbling slightly.

Artemis lost it, for once in his mannered life. "Look, you stupid dwarf, I am doing you a tremendous favour, so you had better be grateful. Or I shall ask Butler to imprint this quality on your grubby little soul. Or maybe I'll just alert the LEP to your whereabouts. Understand?"

Mulch gulped. "Of course, Artemis. No problem at all."

"Good. Now if you would leave me alone, I shall proceed to plot my next perfidious, dastardly plan."

"Sure, no problem. Where did you say the fridge was?" 

Artemis sighed yet again.

"Fine, I'll ask Butler. Or Stinker." Mulch walked away.

"Mulch, kindly return my wallet." Artemis was not amused by Mulch's resurgence of kleptomania.

Mulch sighed and handed it back before making his way towards the door yet again.

"And my Rolex, please," requested Artemis icily.

Mulch sheepishly faced Artemis and took out the Rolex. He stared longingly at it for an instant, and then returned it grudgingly to Artemis's outstretched hand.

"And Mulch, if I find anything, anything missing, I'll turn you over to the LEP immediately. Understand?" Artemis informed Mulch

Mulch nodded moodily and walked out, muttering petulantly.

Artemis was in a dour mood. This was going to be the longest two weeks of his life. He'd never thought he would say this, but he wished his parents Godspeed returning home, heroic mentality, choking overprotectiveness, and anti-crime sentiment or not.

*

"So you're staying here for two weeks, Smelly?" asked Juliet.

"Sure. Help me get that beef jerky on the top drawer, will you? I can't reach it."

Juliet stretched out and passed it to him. "How in the world did you manage to convince Artemis to let you stay here for two weeks?"

"Natural charm and charisma, I suppose." Juliet snorted. "That and the fact that he owes me one," Mulch added.

"Ah. Actually, I'm still surprised Artemis let you in, considering the hassle, aggravation and stress you bring, not to mention the smell and the dirt. Does Artemis know you're emptying his pantry?"

"I dunno. I guess not."

Juliet smothered a grin. This would be an enjoyable two weeks, if only to watch Artemis blow his top.

*

"You let Mr. Diggums stay for two weeks?"

Artemis nodded resignedly. "Yes, I figured that I owed him something for helping me regain my memories."

Butler was wiser than he looked. "Was that all?"

Artemis looked decidedly uncomfortable. "Well, he is, I suppose, theoretically speaking, perhaps-"

"Yes?" encouraged Butler.

"A friend." Artemis choked out.

Butler smiled gently, a rare sight, and patted Artemis on the back before walking out of the room.

*

The doorbell rang. "I'll get it," yelled Artemis. He sighed and opened the door. He saw no one at the gate.

He was just about to turn around when a disembodied voice yelled at him. "Hey, Fowl, you pasty faced Mud Weasel! Invite me in!"

Artemis turned around. Not so disembodied, then. Captain Short materialised in front of him.

"Ah, Captain, what a pleasant surprise." Artemis said, unfazed.

"Stuff it, Fowl. I'm only here because Foaly thought it would be a good idea to check on you and see if you're planning the downfall of the LEP, world destruction, the end of civilisation as we know it, or something like that." Holly grumbled.

"Would I do that?" his eyes portraying vast insincerity.

Holly looked him in the eye. "Yes. Now invite me in, Fowl, before I blast you right here, right now." Her hand caressed her neutrino blaster longingly.

"Please, do come in, Holly. And remember, what I said on mind-wipes and mesmers is still in effect." Artemis reminded.

"Yeah, yeah, whatever," her eyes scanning the room, as though searching for contraband.

"Are you staying for dinner? Mr. Diggums is here as well," he added.

"Mulch is here?" her eyes came alight and her hand strayed, unconsciously it seemed, to her buzz baton.

"Yes. He is here under asylum," Artemis told her.

"So I can't buzz or capture him?" She looked vaguely disappointed.

 "You can't capture him. However, pertaining to buzzing and the like, I leave to your discretion," Artemis commented, a faintly mischievous glint in his eye.

 "Well, better than nothing, I suppose," she said, charging up her buzz baton.

"So you're staying for dinner?" Artemis reiterated.

"I guess so," she replied. "Now, where's Mulch?"

*

Dinner was a sordid affair, with Mulch grumpily rubbing his bottom. Apparently Captain Holly Sort had pondered long and hard, and finally decided to buzz him. Repeatedly, it seems. As everyone ate, the phone rang suddenly.

"It's mine," said Artemis, as he got up and went to the adjoining room to pick up the phone. Holly surreptitiously stood up as well and crept near the room, pleading a bathroom trip.

"I don't care how you get it, all I want is for you to deliver the goods, unharmed and in perfect condition by the deadline! Neither am I bothered that security is tight. That is your problem. That is what I am paying you for. You have a job, so do it, or I'll find someone else who can," Artemis shouted angrily.

He slammed the phone down in temper. Holly tried to creep away back to the dining room, but even this slight movement was noticed by Artemis.

"Perhaps you would like to read my diary as well, Captain," Artemis commented sarcastically. "Kindly refrain from eavesdropping on me further, Holly. Don't abuse my hospitality. It is none of your business who I talk with," Artemis leveled his glare at her.

"Unless it has to do with the People," she retorted.

"I assure you, it doesn't," Artemis replied caustically.

"Oh, yeah? Forgive me for not being convinced, if Artemis Fowl the second reassures me. Your promises are usually not to be taken at face value. Like when you said you wouldn't try and escape the mind-wipe. Or when you lied to me about Spiro's finger. Or wait, how about the time you kidnapped me and nearly got me killed?" Holly shot back, her temper as short as her name.

Artemis did not answer, but strode back angrily to the dining room.

Holly too made her way back to the dining room, her mind still on Artemis's conversation. What was the Mud Boy planning now? She couldn't help but wonder. And how did it involve the People?

*

 Foaly stretched his legs. "Commander, I've sent Holly to Artemis's house to dissuade him from committing any atrocities he may otherwise be tempted to do."

"Good. Even Fowl wouldn't have the temerity to plan something under Holly's nose," grunted Root.

"I'm starving. Can I trust you to stay here and not wreck the Operations Room while I grab a carrot cake?" Foaly asked.

"Don't worry, Foaly, a few minutes with me won't harm the equipment."

"That's what you said about the wings, remember?" Foaly muttered.

"I told you, Foaly, it wasn't my fault. If the response was just a little better… And the tree just popped out of nowhere."

"Yeah, those darned trees really grow fast," Foaly muttered sarcastically. "I'll be back soon. Remember, don't touch anything, especially not that plasma screen over there," reminded Foaly.

Root growled. "Don't worry, Foaly, I'm not that idiotic," Root said.

"Oh, yeah? Then how did you get that burn on your arm?" retorted Foaly.

*

Root swivelled in his chair in the Ops Room. See, Root told himself, nothing harmed so far. Except that beeping computer. Or more accurately, the formerly beeping computer.

A diminutive figure crept up on him. This was too easy, he thought. Root had even forgotten to lock the door. He raised his gun.

Root turned around. "Hey, Foaly, is that yo-"

The words died on his lips as the unknown assailant fired, with the neutrino blaster on maximum setting.

He chuckled as Roots charred body fell to the ground. He removed a few key disks from the computer and pocketed them. He then proceeded to torch the many computers in the Ops Room with his gun.

He walked over to the next room and destroyed the video tapes, humming a merry tune to himself, before strolling out casually.