What is the matter with ff.net's censors? So far it has blocked out about
five words I have used that were in a non-sexual context. Two in this
story, I think. To prick, as in to stab, jab, perforate and so forth. That
was used in context with a cat, for goodness sake. Stupid non-
discriminatory computer. Caitlyn cocked her eyebrows at the twins, that was
in chapter 6, which means she lifted them, raised them, inclined them and
so forth. It was not sexual at all! Oy vey. I am getting such a headache in
frustration. Grrrr. Missy will wreak destruction on them all! If you want
to know who Missy is, go read my story 'What the! Where'd my bedroom go?!"
I have been told it's quite funny. Honest!
"I'm sorry! I'm sorry! Really!" I babble as I feel the hedge behind me for handholds. Stupid Elves and the things they do with shrubs and trees! None! None at all! How am I supposed to get out of this? The twins look really angry. I guess they're not used to Elven maidens being so annoying. What can I say? It's a gift. Or as at the moment, a curse. Elrohir leans on the gate and grins evilly. Elladan halts a bare five paces away from me.
"Guess what? Your training starts now." Elladan throws me a sword. Its edges are dulled, I note thankfully as I catch it clumsily by the grip.
"Where'd you get that?" I say as I swing the sword to test its weight.
"We usually carry blunted weapons in Rivendell. It's polite." Elrohir says as he lounges on the garden wall. They are both so cute! Really. But Boromir is dead sexy. They are, aloof, untouchable. Remote. Boromir is nice, and besides I have a job to do.
"So are you going to teach me, or are we going to talk?" I say to them as I settle the sword into my grasp. It feels, right somehow. As if I have forgotten something and needed only prompting to regain it. Elladan and Elrohir start to school me in the basic use of a weapon, so I don't cut myself on it and also the people I don't want to cut. And how to hurt, maim and kill the ones I do. Basic stances and the like, but a little actual dueling. It's embarrassing how easily they beat me. But I don't have their years of experience. We separate and I catch my breath.
"Not bad, for one who has never before held sword." Elladan says, a light of approval shining in his eyes. "Come, try that first movement." I step into it again and he nudges my feet and arms into their proper places. "Practice makes perfect, you know." His head turns as a knock sounds on the small gate. Elrohir opens it and barks in delight.
"Well met, Legolas! Did you bring the bows?"
"Of course I did, but there is scarcely the space for practicing, or teaching archery." He says with raised eyebrows.
"No, not here." Elrohir dismisses with a sweep of his hand. "Come on." With that, he goes out the gate and leaves us all to follow. I grumble, pick up my bag and follow the Elves.
"I would have to be stuck with the craziest Elves in all Middle Earth, oh yes. That's right, precious. Oh gollum, gollum!" Legolas looks around at me when I say that. I start to really get into the Gollum character. He's so funny! "Oh yes, precious. Nasty Bagginses, stole our birthday present. Nasty thieving Bagginses! Gollum, with his tricksey ways. Oh yes precious, stole our birthday present. My precious, my only. No fishes here either precious. Just nasty Elves and trees. No tasty little Goblins to chew, no fishes. And nasty Bagginses! Precious. . ." All in that nasty hissing voice. "Nasty, tricksey Elves, kept Gollum away in chains. Get them back for that, oh yes precious. Gollum, gollum. No fishes with tasty bones to chew, oh no my precious, just trees and nasty, nasty Elves." I am getting quite odd stares from the three Elves. "Gollum, gollum."
"Are you all right?" Elrohir says with concern.
"Oh yes! I'm fine." I say cheerfully. "So where are we going?"
"Outside the city, to where the archery targets are. Can you ride?"
"No. But I can try." Legolas snorts. "Very unrefined Legolas. Where's Boromir, by the way?"
"I think he went to see to his Men." Elladan offers.
"All righty then." I swing my bag from hand to hand. I decide to sing because I am bored. Tribute, by Tenacious D. "This is the greatest and best song in the world. Tribute. Well, me and my brother Kyle here, were hitchhiking down a long and lonesome road," I whistle here, imitating the lonely cowboy music. "Suddenly, there shined a shiny demon, in the middle, of the road. And he said, 'Pllaaaayy the best ssoonnggg iinn the world, or I'll eat your souls'. Well, me and Kyle, we looked at each other and we said, ok. And we played the first thing that came to our heads, just so happened to be, the best song in the world, it was the best song in the woorrrlldd. Look into my eyes and see, see, see, one and one make two, two and one make three, it was destiny. Once every hundred thousand years or so, when the sun don't shine, and the moon don't glow and the grass don't grrrooooow.
"Needless to say, the Beast was stunned. Whip cracked with his whippy tail, and the Beast was done. He asked us, 'Be you angels?' and we said nay, we are but men! Rock oooooooooonnnnnnnn, ooononnooo, oohhhooohhoohhh, oh, oh, oohh. This is not, the greatest song in the world, no, this is just a tribute. Couldn't remember the greatest song in the world, no, this is a tribbuuutte." Then I go into the weird 'flibbertygib' part. The Elves are ignoring me again. Probably the best thing to do under the circumstances. I am very bored, which usually leads to singing. And this is a very cool song. I finish the song off and start being Gollum again. "Oh yes, precious, nasty tricksey Elves and nasty little Hobbits. Nasty Bagginses and their Stings. Oh they're all nasty to poor Gollum, yes precious."
"Could you stop that? It's quite odd." Elrohir says rubbing his ears.
"But you are tricksey, tricksey Elves." I say hissing. "Oh yes, precious. Gollum." I bare my teeth at them.
"Well, we're here now." Legolas says in a relieved voice. I bet he's had quite enough of this unelfly Elf. No, I'm quite unlike the other Elves. "Here, you stand here, on the mark. Have you ever used a bow before?"
"Yes, on a camp. But it wasn't even close to this one." I say appreciatively as he hands me a bow. It's beautiful, the lines flowing, delicately carved with what I presume is Elfish script. I run my hands over it. It's not stringed. "Um, how do I string it?"
"Like this." Says Elrohir as he strings his bow in one smooth movement.
"Oookkaaayy. Can I have a bowstring?"
"Here." Legolas hands me what I presume is a bowstring.
I shrug. "Here goes." I try to imitate Elrohir's example. "Oh shit!" I exclaim as the bowstring goes one way, and the bow another. I duck, but Elladan didn't do it fast enough and the bow smacked him good. "Sorry!" I sing out. Shit. Well, eventually I learn to string the bow without killing anybody. And I'm not half bad, either. On stationary targets, that is. The sun starts to go down, and we start back to the Hall. I hum under my breath and sometimes revert back to Gollum speech. Legolas just stares straight ahead, but the twins play along. Awwww. They're friendly types. I let the twins escort me back to my room and wave them goodbye. Legolas just wandered off on the way back. Time to get ready for dinner.
"I'm sorry! I'm sorry! Really!" I babble as I feel the hedge behind me for handholds. Stupid Elves and the things they do with shrubs and trees! None! None at all! How am I supposed to get out of this? The twins look really angry. I guess they're not used to Elven maidens being so annoying. What can I say? It's a gift. Or as at the moment, a curse. Elrohir leans on the gate and grins evilly. Elladan halts a bare five paces away from me.
"Guess what? Your training starts now." Elladan throws me a sword. Its edges are dulled, I note thankfully as I catch it clumsily by the grip.
"Where'd you get that?" I say as I swing the sword to test its weight.
"We usually carry blunted weapons in Rivendell. It's polite." Elrohir says as he lounges on the garden wall. They are both so cute! Really. But Boromir is dead sexy. They are, aloof, untouchable. Remote. Boromir is nice, and besides I have a job to do.
"So are you going to teach me, or are we going to talk?" I say to them as I settle the sword into my grasp. It feels, right somehow. As if I have forgotten something and needed only prompting to regain it. Elladan and Elrohir start to school me in the basic use of a weapon, so I don't cut myself on it and also the people I don't want to cut. And how to hurt, maim and kill the ones I do. Basic stances and the like, but a little actual dueling. It's embarrassing how easily they beat me. But I don't have their years of experience. We separate and I catch my breath.
"Not bad, for one who has never before held sword." Elladan says, a light of approval shining in his eyes. "Come, try that first movement." I step into it again and he nudges my feet and arms into their proper places. "Practice makes perfect, you know." His head turns as a knock sounds on the small gate. Elrohir opens it and barks in delight.
"Well met, Legolas! Did you bring the bows?"
"Of course I did, but there is scarcely the space for practicing, or teaching archery." He says with raised eyebrows.
"No, not here." Elrohir dismisses with a sweep of his hand. "Come on." With that, he goes out the gate and leaves us all to follow. I grumble, pick up my bag and follow the Elves.
"I would have to be stuck with the craziest Elves in all Middle Earth, oh yes. That's right, precious. Oh gollum, gollum!" Legolas looks around at me when I say that. I start to really get into the Gollum character. He's so funny! "Oh yes, precious. Nasty Bagginses, stole our birthday present. Nasty thieving Bagginses! Gollum, with his tricksey ways. Oh yes precious, stole our birthday present. My precious, my only. No fishes here either precious. Just nasty Elves and trees. No tasty little Goblins to chew, no fishes. And nasty Bagginses! Precious. . ." All in that nasty hissing voice. "Nasty, tricksey Elves, kept Gollum away in chains. Get them back for that, oh yes precious. Gollum, gollum. No fishes with tasty bones to chew, oh no my precious, just trees and nasty, nasty Elves." I am getting quite odd stares from the three Elves. "Gollum, gollum."
"Are you all right?" Elrohir says with concern.
"Oh yes! I'm fine." I say cheerfully. "So where are we going?"
"Outside the city, to where the archery targets are. Can you ride?"
"No. But I can try." Legolas snorts. "Very unrefined Legolas. Where's Boromir, by the way?"
"I think he went to see to his Men." Elladan offers.
"All righty then." I swing my bag from hand to hand. I decide to sing because I am bored. Tribute, by Tenacious D. "This is the greatest and best song in the world. Tribute. Well, me and my brother Kyle here, were hitchhiking down a long and lonesome road," I whistle here, imitating the lonely cowboy music. "Suddenly, there shined a shiny demon, in the middle, of the road. And he said, 'Pllaaaayy the best ssoonnggg iinn the world, or I'll eat your souls'. Well, me and Kyle, we looked at each other and we said, ok. And we played the first thing that came to our heads, just so happened to be, the best song in the world, it was the best song in the woorrrlldd. Look into my eyes and see, see, see, one and one make two, two and one make three, it was destiny. Once every hundred thousand years or so, when the sun don't shine, and the moon don't glow and the grass don't grrrooooow.
"Needless to say, the Beast was stunned. Whip cracked with his whippy tail, and the Beast was done. He asked us, 'Be you angels?' and we said nay, we are but men! Rock oooooooooonnnnnnnn, ooononnooo, oohhhooohhoohhh, oh, oh, oohh. This is not, the greatest song in the world, no, this is just a tribute. Couldn't remember the greatest song in the world, no, this is a tribbuuutte." Then I go into the weird 'flibbertygib' part. The Elves are ignoring me again. Probably the best thing to do under the circumstances. I am very bored, which usually leads to singing. And this is a very cool song. I finish the song off and start being Gollum again. "Oh yes, precious, nasty tricksey Elves and nasty little Hobbits. Nasty Bagginses and their Stings. Oh they're all nasty to poor Gollum, yes precious."
"Could you stop that? It's quite odd." Elrohir says rubbing his ears.
"But you are tricksey, tricksey Elves." I say hissing. "Oh yes, precious. Gollum." I bare my teeth at them.
"Well, we're here now." Legolas says in a relieved voice. I bet he's had quite enough of this unelfly Elf. No, I'm quite unlike the other Elves. "Here, you stand here, on the mark. Have you ever used a bow before?"
"Yes, on a camp. But it wasn't even close to this one." I say appreciatively as he hands me a bow. It's beautiful, the lines flowing, delicately carved with what I presume is Elfish script. I run my hands over it. It's not stringed. "Um, how do I string it?"
"Like this." Says Elrohir as he strings his bow in one smooth movement.
"Oookkaaayy. Can I have a bowstring?"
"Here." Legolas hands me what I presume is a bowstring.
I shrug. "Here goes." I try to imitate Elrohir's example. "Oh shit!" I exclaim as the bowstring goes one way, and the bow another. I duck, but Elladan didn't do it fast enough and the bow smacked him good. "Sorry!" I sing out. Shit. Well, eventually I learn to string the bow without killing anybody. And I'm not half bad, either. On stationary targets, that is. The sun starts to go down, and we start back to the Hall. I hum under my breath and sometimes revert back to Gollum speech. Legolas just stares straight ahead, but the twins play along. Awwww. They're friendly types. I let the twins escort me back to my room and wave them goodbye. Legolas just wandered off on the way back. Time to get ready for dinner.