Disclaimer: See the other sections. I also do not own Final Fantasy: The Spirits Within. I don't actually mention it in this chapter but the movie Ryoga wants to watch is a parody of it.
Charlotte's Web
Chapter 5
Dance Piggy Dance!
Setting: Tendo home, supper table at supper time
Nabiki Tendo glared impatiently at her father and Genma Saotome. They were having a rather odd alcohol induced conversation over the dinner table.
"Genma is such a stupid name. From now on you can all call me The G Spot!" Genma cried.
"And I'm the Soun Train!" Soun agreed. "Now maybe we should rename the girls . . ."
"That's okay dad, I like my name." Akane said.
"Who asked?" Soun . . . er Soun Train demanded. "Oh, I didn't mean to be sharp with you Akane . . . Oh I'm an abusive father!" Soun Train began to cry . . . of course this was pretty normal for him.
"I wouldn't mind changing my name to Man of Steel!" Ranma announced.
"Silence boy!" Genma said. "I named you Ranma, and you're gonna like it!"
"Yeah whatever pop." Ranma sighed.
"Good. Now that that's settled Ranma, lets talk about changing your name to something a little flashier. How's about Man of Steel?" Genma asked.
"Sounds good." Ranma said.
"It's settled then." Genma nodded. "You see Tendo? Some times you have to be firm with the children, then they know who's boss."
"Nabiki, maybe we can change your name?" Soun Train asked.
Nabiki sighed. "No thanks daddy, but I'm sure Kasumi wouldn't mind at all."
"Kasumi!" Soun announced. "From now on your name is Cook-Fo-Me! Now cook for me Cook-Fo-Me!" Soun announced, pleased with his cleverness.
"But father, I've already cooked dinner for everyone." Kasumi said in her usual clueless way.
Soun paused for a second. Then broke down crying again. "Oh I'm so sorry Cook-Fo-Me! I'm an abusive father! Oh I'm an abusive father!"
"Well, don't stay up too late thinking about it." Nabiki said. "Great dinner Kasumi, but I'm done."
"Already?" Kasumi asked. "But you haven't even had desert!"
"Well I have to watch my girlish fig-"
"You haven't even had desert!" Kasumi barked. "Sit!"
Nabiki sighed and sat down. Kasumi . . . or rather, Cook-Fo-Me now, wasn't to be taken lightly. When all was said and done she was the only person in the family who could really cook. Nabiki could make something edible–unlike Akane–but you needed Kasumi if you wanted to make a meal.
Nabiki watched P-Chan try to wriggle out of Akane's grasp. It'd been two days since Azure, or whatever her name was, and Akane wasn't letting P-Chan out of her sight. Unfortunately this meant Ryoga wasn't around-how could he be?-and so Nabiki had to pool the bests on battles between Ranma and Kuno or Mousse. She learned that not allowing people to change their bets did indeed pay off a little better than letting them change.
Her door was also a problem, she had no privacy at all. Often people would come in and wake her up early simply because they could. Those people were of course Ranma and Akane, chasing each other around like idiots in their weird erotic games, or arguments or whatever it was that they did in the morning.
Stupid Ryoga, going and getting turned into a pig.
"Excuse me!" Kasumi said. "I have an announcement!"
"Yes Cook-Fo-Me, please go ahead." Saotome said.
Kasumi nodded. "I have startling news for you all! It seems that the ninjas who so recently attacked us and stole Akane's poor pet P-Chan, were in fact members of a rather dangerous group. They've sworn revenge on Akane, the pig, Akane's body guard, a dog that I know nothing about, and of course Nabiki." Kasumi said calmly. "They called this morning to tell me, they say they'll be here around noon on Saturday to smash all of our heads in and take all of our valuables.
"How wonderful!" Saotome said. With a slight degree of horror Nabiki realized he wasn't being sarcastic.
"Indeed, it just goes to show you what a civilized society we live in." Tendo agreed.
"What!?! Civilized? You have got to be kidding! Tell me you're kidding!" Nabiki demanded.
"Now, now Nabiki," Kasumi said with a smile, "father is right, in the old days we wouldn't get the phone call, they would just turn up in the night and cut our throats."
"You're nuts! And all this is because of P-Chan?" Nabiki demanded.
"I won't let them hurt P-Chan!" Akane said. "But who is the dog and the body guard they're talking about?" She looked at Ranma. "Man of Steel over there slept through the whole thing, they can't mean him!"
"A shame, that would have explained who the dog was." Kasumi sighed. Since she sounded so innocent and clueless when she said it, it was difficult for Ranma to get angry at her, but Nabiki could see he was making an effort.
"Ryoga was there." Nabiki pointed out.
"It'll be tough for them to kill Ryoga and P-Chan, what with how they're never in the same place at the same time." Ranma said.
"You know I've noticed that." Akane said.
P-Chan began to squeal threateningly at Ranma. 'So Ranma knows about Ryoga.' Nabiki thought. "I bet they're just like two ends of a magnet or something." Nabiki put in. "Positives and negatives, whenever one is here, the other is instinctively forced as far away as possible."
"That makes perfect sense!" Akane said.
"It does?" Nabiki asked. "I mean, of course it does. I *am* a year older and smarter than you after all." She glared at P-Chan. 'Why I stick my neck out for you is beyond me, bacon-boy!'
"We'll then we'll have to get in contact with Ryoga." Kasumi said. "He may be in danger if they know who he is."
P-Chan nodded his head vigorously. Nabiki snickered. "Oh I'm sure he'll turn up if things get too hot." She said.
P-Chan glared at her, and she glared at P-Chan. There was a moment of pure hatred between them, followed by a strange desire that caused them both to avert their gazes. And then everything went back to normal.
"Don't worry Akane, I'll protect you 'an that fat 'lil ham." Ranma said.
"Why do I need you to protect ME?" Akane demanded.
"Because you're a girl." Ranma teased.
"So're you, half the time!" Akane cried.
"What about Nabiki!" Soun demanded. "Who will protect Nabiki?"
"I can handle my-"
"P-Chan will!" Akane announced, holding Ryoga (who had some of Akane's dinner in his mouth) into the air for everyone to see. "He likes her, don't you P-Chan?" Akane nuzzled the pig, who turned red.
Nabiki sweat dropped. "I don't think I need a little pig's help." She said.
"Well then can you watch P-Chan?" Akane asked. "So he doesn't get hurt while I deal with these ninja losers?"
"I already told'ja I'll deal with em." Ranma scoffed.
Nabiki frowned, but did see an opportunity to restore Ryoga to human form. If these . . . maniacs were serious, having a human shield would be preferable to a piglet shield, since only one of the two was likely to stop bullets, or--since they faced ninjas--throwing stars. "Okay, sure. I'd feel a lot safer with P-Chan protecting me." Nabiki smiled.
P-Chan squealed ferociously at her, as if to say 'Are you mocking me?' Akane on the other hand was oblivious. "See? He's happy! I told you he liked you."
Nabiki grinned wickedly, and kissed the little pig on the head. P-Chan became a statue, and everyone (except Ranma) tilted their heads to the side and said "Aww . . . how cute."
Nabiki was lying down on her stomach in the living room, reading a comic book as usual. Akane had left P-Chan with her, but he soon left on the quest for hot water, Nabiki didn't expect him to find the bathroom for another year or so.
On the TV that Tendo and Saotome had fallen asleep watching however, there was a show that caught Nabiki's interest.
"This is your host Phil Satyr!" An American guy said. "We're back with: When Pets Do Dumb Crap! Today we have an assortment of pet owners, all of whom have incredibly stupid pets! It's the second round, now lets see what our scores are! Well it seems that Cologne and her blind duck are in the lead with five hundred points!"
Cologne and Mousse appeared. Cologne was explaining how incredibly stupid Mousse was, leaving nothing out. She then demonstrated by having Mousse the duck stand on a ball while balancing a piano on it's beak. She then displayed a picture of Shampoo, and Mouse began quacking uncontrollably, soon the piano fell on him with a squash!
The crowd went wild, not only was the piano balancing impressive, but the squashing was hilarious . . . to them anyway. Nabiki formed wicked ideas for P-Chan.
"That was great!" Phil said. He snatched the picture of Shampoo from Cologne and inspected it for a moment before pocketing it. "To bad it doesn't count for any points."
"We've got more up our sleeves." Cologne said.
"Quack!" Mousse cried.
"Hey, what's on?" Ryoga asked, appearing from the hallway. "I don't suppose First Daydream: the Souls Outside is on is it?"
"God I hate that show!" Nabiki spat. "It never made sense, and in the end everyone survived, which is weird because a lot of people got decapitated. And no, it's not." She looked at Ryoga. "You found the bathroom awfully fast."
"Yeah . . . about that . . . well eh . . . Ranma was transformed into Ranko, Akane was chasing him with a dangerous looking stick, so I grabbed onto those short shorts and held for dear life! When Ranma jumped into the bath I went too, and just stayed under water until Akane was gone."
"You're pathetic." Nabiki sighed.
"You don't know what pathetic is until you've been a pig for two days." Ryoga said coldly.
"This is Phil Satyr saying good fight, good night. Remember folks, were only going to be in Japan for one more showing, the winners of our contest get a free trip for two to Hawaii and one million American dollars to spend there, or save, who cares what they do with the money, because for us it's a hell of a tax write off, and working on this show counts as community service hours for me! And my pay check is good enough to pay off four of my six alimonies . . . a word to the wise children! Don't marry young, and don't marry several women at one time! It's illegal, and you'll be financially crippled before you can say 'what's for breakfast honey?' So anyway good night Japan!"
Nabiki turned on Ryoga, who didn't seem to realize his danger. "What tricks can you do as a pig?" She demanded.
"Hmm? Well I can . . . eh . . . nothing you don't already know about." Ryoga said, seeing the evil gleam in her eyes.
Nabiki had a daydream (or perhaps waking nightmare) of a disco dancing piglet with a large afro and a gold medallion. "Dance piggy dance!" She cried, her eyes glazed over with wicked greed.
Ryoga took a few steps away from her, then ran for dear life, finding himself in a closet at record time.
"Get back here! I need you to turn into a pig so I can see how large the afro needs to be!" Nabiki demanded, chasing after him.
To Be Continued . . .
Next Chapter . . .
"You're trying to kill me!" Ryoga cried.
"I am not!" Nabiki protested. "Now put your shirt on."
"No! Every time I finish dressing you splash me with cold water and make me dance s'more!" Ryoga said. "No shirt, no water, no dancing."
"Aren't you cold?" Nabiki asked.
"Extremely." Ryoga nodded. "That doesn't mean I want to turn into a piglet again."
"I see . . . well Ryoga . . ." Nabiki sighed. "I'm afraid . . . we're going to keep going until you do something right. And no, keeping the shirt off won't keep me from splashing you." She splashed him again.
'Stop doing that!' Ryoga thought. 'Or do you want me to show you why Ranma doesn't pick me up if he can avoid it? These teeth are lethal weapons!' but all he could say was "BUKEE!"
"That had better not be a piggy curse!" Nabiki warned, waving a kettle of hot water. "Because I may just let you stay P-Chan all night if it were to mean . . . something . . . unkind."
'Curse you!' Ryoga thought. 'How did you know that that was what it meant?' His dry humor (or wet humor, or whatever) was lost on Nabiki for two reasons. First of all she couldn't read his mind, second of all she was already making a list of the people she'd allow to live on her island, she was oblivious to everything.
Charlotte's Web
Chapter 5
Dance Piggy Dance!
Setting: Tendo home, supper table at supper time
Nabiki Tendo glared impatiently at her father and Genma Saotome. They were having a rather odd alcohol induced conversation over the dinner table.
"Genma is such a stupid name. From now on you can all call me The G Spot!" Genma cried.
"And I'm the Soun Train!" Soun agreed. "Now maybe we should rename the girls . . ."
"That's okay dad, I like my name." Akane said.
"Who asked?" Soun . . . er Soun Train demanded. "Oh, I didn't mean to be sharp with you Akane . . . Oh I'm an abusive father!" Soun Train began to cry . . . of course this was pretty normal for him.
"I wouldn't mind changing my name to Man of Steel!" Ranma announced.
"Silence boy!" Genma said. "I named you Ranma, and you're gonna like it!"
"Yeah whatever pop." Ranma sighed.
"Good. Now that that's settled Ranma, lets talk about changing your name to something a little flashier. How's about Man of Steel?" Genma asked.
"Sounds good." Ranma said.
"It's settled then." Genma nodded. "You see Tendo? Some times you have to be firm with the children, then they know who's boss."
"Nabiki, maybe we can change your name?" Soun Train asked.
Nabiki sighed. "No thanks daddy, but I'm sure Kasumi wouldn't mind at all."
"Kasumi!" Soun announced. "From now on your name is Cook-Fo-Me! Now cook for me Cook-Fo-Me!" Soun announced, pleased with his cleverness.
"But father, I've already cooked dinner for everyone." Kasumi said in her usual clueless way.
Soun paused for a second. Then broke down crying again. "Oh I'm so sorry Cook-Fo-Me! I'm an abusive father! Oh I'm an abusive father!"
"Well, don't stay up too late thinking about it." Nabiki said. "Great dinner Kasumi, but I'm done."
"Already?" Kasumi asked. "But you haven't even had desert!"
"Well I have to watch my girlish fig-"
"You haven't even had desert!" Kasumi barked. "Sit!"
Nabiki sighed and sat down. Kasumi . . . or rather, Cook-Fo-Me now, wasn't to be taken lightly. When all was said and done she was the only person in the family who could really cook. Nabiki could make something edible–unlike Akane–but you needed Kasumi if you wanted to make a meal.
Nabiki watched P-Chan try to wriggle out of Akane's grasp. It'd been two days since Azure, or whatever her name was, and Akane wasn't letting P-Chan out of her sight. Unfortunately this meant Ryoga wasn't around-how could he be?-and so Nabiki had to pool the bests on battles between Ranma and Kuno or Mousse. She learned that not allowing people to change their bets did indeed pay off a little better than letting them change.
Her door was also a problem, she had no privacy at all. Often people would come in and wake her up early simply because they could. Those people were of course Ranma and Akane, chasing each other around like idiots in their weird erotic games, or arguments or whatever it was that they did in the morning.
Stupid Ryoga, going and getting turned into a pig.
"Excuse me!" Kasumi said. "I have an announcement!"
"Yes Cook-Fo-Me, please go ahead." Saotome said.
Kasumi nodded. "I have startling news for you all! It seems that the ninjas who so recently attacked us and stole Akane's poor pet P-Chan, were in fact members of a rather dangerous group. They've sworn revenge on Akane, the pig, Akane's body guard, a dog that I know nothing about, and of course Nabiki." Kasumi said calmly. "They called this morning to tell me, they say they'll be here around noon on Saturday to smash all of our heads in and take all of our valuables.
"How wonderful!" Saotome said. With a slight degree of horror Nabiki realized he wasn't being sarcastic.
"Indeed, it just goes to show you what a civilized society we live in." Tendo agreed.
"What!?! Civilized? You have got to be kidding! Tell me you're kidding!" Nabiki demanded.
"Now, now Nabiki," Kasumi said with a smile, "father is right, in the old days we wouldn't get the phone call, they would just turn up in the night and cut our throats."
"You're nuts! And all this is because of P-Chan?" Nabiki demanded.
"I won't let them hurt P-Chan!" Akane said. "But who is the dog and the body guard they're talking about?" She looked at Ranma. "Man of Steel over there slept through the whole thing, they can't mean him!"
"A shame, that would have explained who the dog was." Kasumi sighed. Since she sounded so innocent and clueless when she said it, it was difficult for Ranma to get angry at her, but Nabiki could see he was making an effort.
"Ryoga was there." Nabiki pointed out.
"It'll be tough for them to kill Ryoga and P-Chan, what with how they're never in the same place at the same time." Ranma said.
"You know I've noticed that." Akane said.
P-Chan began to squeal threateningly at Ranma. 'So Ranma knows about Ryoga.' Nabiki thought. "I bet they're just like two ends of a magnet or something." Nabiki put in. "Positives and negatives, whenever one is here, the other is instinctively forced as far away as possible."
"That makes perfect sense!" Akane said.
"It does?" Nabiki asked. "I mean, of course it does. I *am* a year older and smarter than you after all." She glared at P-Chan. 'Why I stick my neck out for you is beyond me, bacon-boy!'
"We'll then we'll have to get in contact with Ryoga." Kasumi said. "He may be in danger if they know who he is."
P-Chan nodded his head vigorously. Nabiki snickered. "Oh I'm sure he'll turn up if things get too hot." She said.
P-Chan glared at her, and she glared at P-Chan. There was a moment of pure hatred between them, followed by a strange desire that caused them both to avert their gazes. And then everything went back to normal.
"Don't worry Akane, I'll protect you 'an that fat 'lil ham." Ranma said.
"Why do I need you to protect ME?" Akane demanded.
"Because you're a girl." Ranma teased.
"So're you, half the time!" Akane cried.
"What about Nabiki!" Soun demanded. "Who will protect Nabiki?"
"I can handle my-"
"P-Chan will!" Akane announced, holding Ryoga (who had some of Akane's dinner in his mouth) into the air for everyone to see. "He likes her, don't you P-Chan?" Akane nuzzled the pig, who turned red.
Nabiki sweat dropped. "I don't think I need a little pig's help." She said.
"Well then can you watch P-Chan?" Akane asked. "So he doesn't get hurt while I deal with these ninja losers?"
"I already told'ja I'll deal with em." Ranma scoffed.
Nabiki frowned, but did see an opportunity to restore Ryoga to human form. If these . . . maniacs were serious, having a human shield would be preferable to a piglet shield, since only one of the two was likely to stop bullets, or--since they faced ninjas--throwing stars. "Okay, sure. I'd feel a lot safer with P-Chan protecting me." Nabiki smiled.
P-Chan squealed ferociously at her, as if to say 'Are you mocking me?' Akane on the other hand was oblivious. "See? He's happy! I told you he liked you."
Nabiki grinned wickedly, and kissed the little pig on the head. P-Chan became a statue, and everyone (except Ranma) tilted their heads to the side and said "Aww . . . how cute."
Nabiki was lying down on her stomach in the living room, reading a comic book as usual. Akane had left P-Chan with her, but he soon left on the quest for hot water, Nabiki didn't expect him to find the bathroom for another year or so.
On the TV that Tendo and Saotome had fallen asleep watching however, there was a show that caught Nabiki's interest.
"This is your host Phil Satyr!" An American guy said. "We're back with: When Pets Do Dumb Crap! Today we have an assortment of pet owners, all of whom have incredibly stupid pets! It's the second round, now lets see what our scores are! Well it seems that Cologne and her blind duck are in the lead with five hundred points!"
Cologne and Mousse appeared. Cologne was explaining how incredibly stupid Mousse was, leaving nothing out. She then demonstrated by having Mousse the duck stand on a ball while balancing a piano on it's beak. She then displayed a picture of Shampoo, and Mouse began quacking uncontrollably, soon the piano fell on him with a squash!
The crowd went wild, not only was the piano balancing impressive, but the squashing was hilarious . . . to them anyway. Nabiki formed wicked ideas for P-Chan.
"That was great!" Phil said. He snatched the picture of Shampoo from Cologne and inspected it for a moment before pocketing it. "To bad it doesn't count for any points."
"We've got more up our sleeves." Cologne said.
"Quack!" Mousse cried.
"Hey, what's on?" Ryoga asked, appearing from the hallway. "I don't suppose First Daydream: the Souls Outside is on is it?"
"God I hate that show!" Nabiki spat. "It never made sense, and in the end everyone survived, which is weird because a lot of people got decapitated. And no, it's not." She looked at Ryoga. "You found the bathroom awfully fast."
"Yeah . . . about that . . . well eh . . . Ranma was transformed into Ranko, Akane was chasing him with a dangerous looking stick, so I grabbed onto those short shorts and held for dear life! When Ranma jumped into the bath I went too, and just stayed under water until Akane was gone."
"You're pathetic." Nabiki sighed.
"You don't know what pathetic is until you've been a pig for two days." Ryoga said coldly.
"This is Phil Satyr saying good fight, good night. Remember folks, were only going to be in Japan for one more showing, the winners of our contest get a free trip for two to Hawaii and one million American dollars to spend there, or save, who cares what they do with the money, because for us it's a hell of a tax write off, and working on this show counts as community service hours for me! And my pay check is good enough to pay off four of my six alimonies . . . a word to the wise children! Don't marry young, and don't marry several women at one time! It's illegal, and you'll be financially crippled before you can say 'what's for breakfast honey?' So anyway good night Japan!"
Nabiki turned on Ryoga, who didn't seem to realize his danger. "What tricks can you do as a pig?" She demanded.
"Hmm? Well I can . . . eh . . . nothing you don't already know about." Ryoga said, seeing the evil gleam in her eyes.
Nabiki had a daydream (or perhaps waking nightmare) of a disco dancing piglet with a large afro and a gold medallion. "Dance piggy dance!" She cried, her eyes glazed over with wicked greed.
Ryoga took a few steps away from her, then ran for dear life, finding himself in a closet at record time.
"Get back here! I need you to turn into a pig so I can see how large the afro needs to be!" Nabiki demanded, chasing after him.
To Be Continued . . .
Next Chapter . . .
"You're trying to kill me!" Ryoga cried.
"I am not!" Nabiki protested. "Now put your shirt on."
"No! Every time I finish dressing you splash me with cold water and make me dance s'more!" Ryoga said. "No shirt, no water, no dancing."
"Aren't you cold?" Nabiki asked.
"Extremely." Ryoga nodded. "That doesn't mean I want to turn into a piglet again."
"I see . . . well Ryoga . . ." Nabiki sighed. "I'm afraid . . . we're going to keep going until you do something right. And no, keeping the shirt off won't keep me from splashing you." She splashed him again.
'Stop doing that!' Ryoga thought. 'Or do you want me to show you why Ranma doesn't pick me up if he can avoid it? These teeth are lethal weapons!' but all he could say was "BUKEE!"
"That had better not be a piggy curse!" Nabiki warned, waving a kettle of hot water. "Because I may just let you stay P-Chan all night if it were to mean . . . something . . . unkind."
'Curse you!' Ryoga thought. 'How did you know that that was what it meant?' His dry humor (or wet humor, or whatever) was lost on Nabiki for two reasons. First of all she couldn't read his mind, second of all she was already making a list of the people she'd allow to live on her island, she was oblivious to everything.