Disclaimer: I own nothing. I regret nothing. I don't own Ranma ½. I don't even own the Original Character who's hosting When Pets do Dumb Crap! He is an Originial Fitional Person by JFalcon and I have permission to use him so there! (I did name his assistant Joe, but I don't claim ownership over him) And IF there is a show called When Pets do Dumb Crap, I don't own that either.
Charlotte's Web
Chapter 7
Rock Hard Competition
Nabiki yawned and sat up in bed the next morning. She stretched out, looked around. Decided it wasn't time to wake up yet and laid back down. She landed on top of something hard.
"Huh?"
"BUKEE!"
"Oh!" Nabiki sweat dropped. "Eh . . . sorry Ryoga-baby." Nabiki said honestly. "I forgot you were there."
"K-KEE!"
"Don't be like that!" Nabiki argued. "I said I was sorry."
"SQUEEE!"
"Okay! Okay! You win!" Nabiki yawned. She grabbed P-Chan and in somewhat of a sleeping walking state she dragged him into the wash room and filled a bucket with hot water. She put it down in front of P-Chan who made no move towards it. She put some of Ryoga's cloths in front of the bucket and walked out. There was some loud noises from inside and then Ryoga came out fully dressed.
"Where did you get my cloths?" Ryoga asked.
"If I tell you, I'll have to bill you." Nabiki said, putting a spin on the 'If I tell you I'll have to kill you' line.
Ryoga frowned. He shook his head. "What a head ache. You smashed me!"
"I said I was sorry." Nabiki said.
"Did you?" Ryoga asked. "Oh, well I don't understand human-tongue when I'm a pig."
"Liar." Nabiki scoffed.
Ryoga grinned. "Wanna bet?"
"Oh don't go there." Nabiki grinned back. "You'll never beat me in a bet. Now, step aside I need a shower."
"I second that opinion." Ryoga said. Nabiki elbowed him and kicked him out of the room.
"Oh! Hello Ryoga!" Kasumi said. "You're welcome to breakfast. We have extra, father and Uncle Saotome left home early today and left their breakfast behind."
"Uh, thank you." Ryoga said.
"When did you arrive? I was awake at sunrise." Kasumi said. "Did you spend the night?"
"I . . . eh . . . slept in a closet." Ryoga said, feeling bad about lying to Kasumi.
"I'll remember to leave a pillow in each closet then." Kasumi said with a big smile.
Ryoga grinned. "Gee that'd be great." He sat down at the table and ate quickly. However Nabiki came down before he could finish and escape. 'Damn my stomach! I should have just ran.' Ryoga thought.
"Good morning Nabiki!" Kasumi enthused. "Did you know Ryoga slept in a closet?"
"Did he?" Nabiki grinned at Ryoga. "Too bad. I might have had extra room in my bed if it weren't for that little porker of Akane's."
"I don't think father would approve of you two sharing a bed anyway." Kasumi said, oblivious.
Nabiki laughed wickedly, Ryoga just lowered his head and blushed. Kasumi was oblivious though and so she eventually started laughing too.
"Why are *you* laughing?" Nabiki asked.
"I don't know." Kasumi admitted. "Why are *you* laughing?" she seemed to be honestly curious.
"Just thought of something funny." Nabiki shrugged. "So Ryoga-honey, you are coming with me to school today."
"When P-Chan flies." Ryoga said.
Nabiki glared at him for a second. "Did it sound like I was *asking* you?" She asked calmly.
Ryoga smiled weakly. "But I . . . eh . . . I gotta go to my *own* school."
"Don't try that on me, you don't go to school." Nabiki said.
"Yes . . . why don't you go to school, Ryoga?" Kasumi asked.
"I eh . . . can't find it." Ryoga said.
"Makes sense to me." Nabiki said.
"Sounds like our Ryoga." Kasumi agreed.
"Do you think Nabiki and Ryoga are going out?" Akane asked.
"No." Ranma shrugged. "But I do think it's dumb for us to spy on them, were all going to the same place ain't we?"
"I don't want them to see us." Akane said. "Maybe they'll kiss! See how they're holding hands?"
Ranma frowned. "How well do you know Ryoga? 'Cause if ya just met him, what you just said wouldn't sound so stupid. If anything she's hold'in his hand to keep him from getting lost!"
"Then why is she taking him to school with her?" Akane whispered challenge to Ranma.
"Probably to duel me again."
"She wouldn't set up another duel so quickly." Akane shook her head. "It must be love!"
"Will you let go of my hand? I'm not so bad that I cant just follow you." Ryoga said.
"Last time you walked into the street."
"That was just because I was tired." Ryoga protested.
"Besides, I'm irking Akane."
"Huh?" Ryoga asked. "Doing what to Akane?"
"She and her gender-switching boyfriend are following us." Nabiki explained. "Have been since we left."
"Why is that strange? You go to the same school."
"She usually walks a different way with Ranma." Nabiki said.
"Really?" Ryoga asked. "Akane is jealous of us? Akane is jealous of ME?" Ryoga's heart flew in the clouds happily.
"No." Nabiki said. Ryoga's heart crashed. "I think she's just curious. If you were just a little bit cuter I'd kiss you to see how she reacted."
"A little bit cuter?!" Ryoga demanded. "I'm plenty cute!" Then he regretted saying it.
"I guess that's true. Do you want me to kiss you then?" Nabiki asked, raising an eyebrow.
"God knows you kiss P-Chan enough-I mean NO!" Ryoga said, but Nabiki grinned wickedly and moved to give him a quick kiss on the cheek. However martial arts training and a sort of spider sense was the opposite of useful for once. Ryoga turned to face her attack in time for her lips to meet his instead of his cheek.
Ryoga frowned. He'd kissed Nabiki . . . in front of Akane . . . his chances with Akane were officially ruined . . .
"Oh look!" Akane said happily. "They *are* together! Did you see them kiss?"
"Looked like an accident to me." Ranma said. "And now Ryoga is crying."
"Tears of joy at finding his one true love!" Akane said. "See how she comforts him in his tears?"
"Buck up ya loser! What kind of man are you?" Nabiki shouted at Ryoga.
"Their love was written in the scrolls of Valhalla, they shall be together forever just as Pharaoh and Ceaser, as Athena and Telemachos, as Penelope and Agamemnon, as Castor and Pollux, and as Loki and Skadi before them, and as I and Dr. Tofu are meant to be!"
"Now you sound kind of like Kuno." Ranma observed. "I'm no whiz, but I'm pretty sure none of those couples got together, also pretty sure at least one of them was a same sex coupling and . . . hey wait a minute-I thought you were over Tofu!"
Akane blinked. "Hmm? Did I say something about Tofu? I meant to say . . . eh . . . Mikado."
"MIKADO!?" Ranma cried. "WHY MIKADO?"
"It wasn't that bad." Nabiki said. "Don't be such a baby." She avoided facing Ryoga directly, keeping pace ahead of him. Partially because she was insulted that he'd react that way to her kiss, partially because she didn't want him to know she was blushing.
"Easy for you to say! That wasn't even your first kiss! To think mine would be given to me not only by a girl who doesn't even like me, but on accident!"
"I don't *not* like you, I just don't *like* like you." Nabiki pointed out, "If we were in college, I might even let you get me drunk, then sleep with you. Anyway that was *not* your first kiss!" Nabiki protested. "Don't think I don't know about you and what's-her-face. The girl with the sumo-pigs."
"What? Oh yeah . . . but Akane was watching this time!"
"If it's any consequence to you she's fuming with jealous anger." Nabiki lied.
"Really?"
"Yes." Nabiki said. "She squeezed Ranma's arm so hard when we kissed she must have broken a bone or something." Nabiki continued her lies. Hey, if it made Ryoga feel any better . . . after all she still needed him for that stupid contest.
The kiss from hell aside, the day itself went uneventfully. Nabiki was ruthless, she decided to accept a bet to see wether or not Ryoga could stand on his head. When he proved that he could she made him stand on his head in every class just because it amused her. Of course the instructors didn't dare speak up. Ryoga wondered what Nabiki had that'd scare them so.
During lunch Ryoga made five escape attempts, each time Nabiki or one of her friends would catch him mid dash. Ranma even caught him once.
"I though it was a game!" Ranma protested to an angry Ryoga.
"A GAME! A game? I'm in serious danger here!"
But then the day got interesting when Ranma shouted "Hey Nabiki! I caught your boyfriend for ya!"
"Kinnosuke? Oh! Ryoga?" Nabiki frowned. "He's not my boyfriend."
"Y'hear that Ryoga?" Ranma asked. "She's two timing ya buddy!"
Ryoga sighed. Nabiki walked over and slapped him 'gently' "Don't run off like that!" She said. "I'll get handcuffs if you keep this up."
"Kinky." Ranma grinned.
Ryoga was about to punch Ranma really hard, but Nabiki beat him to it, kicking Ranma in the crotch.
"OUCH!" Ranma cried.
"OUCH!" Ryoga sympathized.
"Beat it!" Nabiki commanded Ranma, who obediently waddled away.
"Oh my god!" Ryoga gasped. "You kicked Ranma's butt!"
"Balls actually." Nabiki said.
"She did not!" Ranma shouted in his female voice.
"He's talking like Ranko and he hasn't even transformed!" Ryoga said in surprise.
"He wasn't expecting it. I really thought he'd jump away." Nabiki shrugged.
"Who cares?" Ryoga demanded. "You never kick a guy below the belt!" he didnt want to admit he was now idolizing her for doing in a single move what he couldnt manage at all.
"Why not?" Nabiki demanded.
"It just hurts to much to be fair." Ryoga guessed.
"Really? I'll have to remember that." Nabiki said calmly.
However the day was not done being . . . interesting. A large hot air balloon drifted into the schoolyard and out jumped Azusa and a huge German Shepherd.
"Azusa and Mercedes challenge you!" Azusa cried, pointing at Nabiki.
"What? Why me?" Nabiki asked. "Hey Ryoga, if I kick her between the legs will she run off like Ranma did?" Nabiki asked, Ryoga was surprised when he realized that Nabiki was honestly curious.
"Probably not." Ryoga said. "But who knows? She *is* pretty weird."
"Azusa doesn't mean fighting!" Azusa cried. "Azusa wants to see you and Charlotte (Azusa pointed to Ryoga) at the 'When Pets do Dumb Crap' auditions! If Azusa wins she takes her Charlotte! If Mean sister of Akane wins she gets to take Mercedes!"
'Mercedes' didn't seem interested in waiting for the competition to go home with Nabiki. He rushed forward and started humping Nabiki's leg.
"You again!?" Nabiki shouted. "Gerroff me! Gerroff me!"
Ryoga pulled the now very annoyed dog away from an even more annoyed Nabiki. "Okay Azure!" Nabiki shouted. "But let's adjust the bet! If P-Chan and I win you pay us one million yen each!"
"In mean girl's dreams!" Azusa cried.
"Pay us both a half million times two!" Nabiki reasoned.
"Fair enough." Azusa cried. "But Azusa won't lose! And Azusa will take Charlotte home!" She declared, pointing at Ryoga over and over again. "Be brave darling Charlotte, Azusa will take you home soon!"
"I eh . . . I don't know what your talking about." Ryoga said. "My name is-"
"P-Chan!" Ranma whispered over his shoulder.
'That didn't work the first time he tried it, what makes him think It'd work now? Idiot.' Ryoga wondered. "P-Chan!" 'Doh!' "I meat Ryoga!"
"P-Chan?" Akane wondered.
"P-Chan!" Ranma shouted accusingly, pointing at Ryoga.
"My name is Ryoga!" Ryoga protested.
"Ryoga." Nabiki agreed.
"Charlotte!" Azusa cried.
"P-Chan!" Ranma repeated.
"Lost boy!" Shampoo put in.
"Pig-Boy!" Mousse cried.
"P-Chan!" Ranma insisted.
"Darling!" Akari squealed.
"The Bandanna Kid!" Genma shouted.
"Fanged Wanderer!" Kuno cried.
"Man of Steel!" Soun cried.
"That's Ranma's new name!" Akane said.
"AAHHH! What *is* my name?!" A confused Ryoga cried weakly.
"Oh for the love of god!" Ukyo shouted. "Your name is RYOGA! And what are all you idiots doing here anyway?"
"We were passing by." Genma said. "Saw the big balloon and decided to see what was going on."
"We were expecting Ranma to be in another fight." Soun added.
Then god looked down and must have decided he didn't like Ryoga . . . because it started to rain.
"CURSES!" Ryoga shouted as droplets of rain struck his shirt. He looked up at the clouds and knew it was going to get worse.
Ranma was laughing maniacally. "BWAHAHAHAHA! Don't get too wet Charlotte!" He cried.
"Oh no!" Azusa cried. "Charlotte must not get wet! Poor Charlotte will get a cold! Azusa will give Charlotte a long hot bath!"
"I'm not taking a bath with her again!" Ryoga cried in panic.
"Again?" Nabiki demanded, slight tones of shock and anger in her voice.
"Charlotte?" Akane questioned. It was fair to say that the majority of the people present were in fact bewildered. But then the unthinkable happened. A single raindrop landed on Genma's nose . . . and he became Panda-Genma! "Behold My True Form!" Read Genma's sign.
"AAAHHHHH!" Ryoga cried.
"AAAHHHHH!" Mousse agreed.
"AAAHHHHH!" Ranma shouted when cat-Shampoo leapt onto his shoulder and began licking his cheek.
Ryoga was panicking. He didn't have his umbrella and Akane was standing right in front of him! If he turned into P-Chan in front of her he was finished . . . but he didn't have anywhere to go!
Then he felt some one grab his arm and lead him away from disaster! "Nabiki!" He gasped.
"C'mon pig-boy, cant let Akane discover your dirty secret!" She hissed. She dragged him into a large shed of some kind. There was gym equipment everywhere. "This should do it." She said. "Nice and dry."
Ryoga looked around. He was amazed that he hadn't transformed, it was pure luck that there hadn't been enough rain. But now it was really coming down, he could hear it on the rooftop.
Nabiki looked out the window and grinned. "They're dropping like flies. There goes Mousse. He's a duck now. And there's Ranko, checking herself out. Yep, looks like I got you in here just in time." Nabiki smiled wickedly. "I'll send you the bill."
Ryoga frowned. He did not think he could afford any more debt or weeks of slave labor. Nabiki laughed wickedly. "Maybe they'll cancel class." She sighed.
"Why? It's indoors, the rain doesn't affect the class." Ryoga said.
"Point. Ruin my dreams then." Nabiki scoffed.
"You've still got ten minutes of lunch break left." Ryoga observed.
"What? You think the rain will stop by then?" Nabiki demanded. "I can't just leave you here, I don't trust you not to run off. And I can't take you out there in the rain, you wouldn't make it two steps before you were on all fours."
"Well . . ." Ryoga shrugged. "If that's how you feel about it, why not just cut class and stay here with me? Then when some one finds us they'll think we were making out or something and everyone in the whole school will talk about it. 'Oh look, there goes Nabiki, you know, the girl who used to be so cool until she was caught with that boy in the shed.'"
Nabiki glared at him. "Curse you, your negotiating powers have out done me for once. Very well you stay here, if you leave this shed I'll let Azusa take you home."
"Okay . . . so what are you waiting for?" Ryoga asked.
"I'm not going anywhere until my ten minutes or up, or it stops raining." Nabiki said. She sat down on a crate and sighed. "So . . . know any good ten minute games?"
"I know one, but it's been a while since I've played it."
"I'm not having sex with you." Nabiki said crossly.
"I wasn't talking about that, that's a twelve hour game."
Nabiki raised an eyebrow. "Twelve hours?" She asked with interest.
Azusa was dancing around happily in the rain with Mercedes, who was all wet and skinny looking. The majority of the people there were staring at her as if she was some idiot but she was oblivious. She was, after all, Azusa.
And she'd win Charlotte back from that Mean sister of Akane's. She'd win back her darling Charlotte!
Mercedes barked happily in agreement. In reality the dog was barking viciously at the giant panda as if to say 'Hey! I remember you from chapter one!' but Azusa didn't see it that way.
During her dance Mercedes managed to escape from her. "Go fetch the Frisbee!" Azusa had cried. It took all of ten seconds for her to realize that she hadn't thrown one.
"Oh come back Mercedes! Come back!" Azusa frowned. All her pets ran away. "All Azusa's pets run away from Azusa and Azusa has to go catch them!" She whined.
The rain wasn't letting up, and Nabiki didn't want to venture out into it. Ryoga had promised not to leave but she didn't really trust him. When she could avoid it no longer she ordered him not to leave the area. "If you do, I'll turn you into a pig and make sure Kasumi cooks pork chops again!
"I said I wouldn't leave so I wont." Ryoga sighed.
"Just making sure." Nabiki warned him. She grinned. "If you're a good boy, maybe I'll kiss you again."
"In THAT case maybe I will try to escape." Ryoga mumbled. Nabiki threw her shoe at him, then recovered it.
"Jerk." She scoffed "Fine then, leave this place and I'll kiss you again!" She waved as she left.
However as she closed the door she felt as if something big and fluffy ran past her. She ignored it and ran for the school building.
Ryoga was surprised when 'Mercedes' came into the shed in Nabiki's stead. He was surprised and a little afraid. Then Mercedes trotted over to him, it's tail wagging. Ryoga had some experience with dogs of course, he had one of his own. He knew it would be bad to show his fear to the German Shepherd so he smiled in a friendly fashion and gave the dog a nice pat on the head.
The dog seemed to accept this as a sign of friendship. Then the dog decided it was comfortable enough around the human boy to shake itself and the water sprayed everywhere. Even on poor Ryoga.
"SQUEE!" 'AAAHHHH!'
"WRROFFF!" The dog barked.
"K-KEE! K-KEE!" Ryoga oinked threateningly at the equally threatening dog. 'Don't come any closer! Don't make me give you another Pig Fang French Kiss!' Ryoga thought.
The dog lunged forward, Ryoga leapt onto the crate Nabiki had been sitting on. The dog lunged for him again. He saw the window, a perfect window, he knew if he could get through that window he'd be free! He leapt onto the sill and began to try to open the window. But he lacked any sort of opposable thumb.
That problem was quickly solved . . . when 'Mercedes' leapt at him and they both went through the window with a CRASH!
"SQUEE!" Ryoga cried almost in after thought. Mercedes seemed bewildered but the large dog was on its feet in no time and shaking rain off. Rain that hit Ryoga.
"Mercedes!" Azusa cried. "You found Charlotte! What a good doggy-woggy you are Mercedes!"
Mercedes gave Ryoga a look, as if to say 'not again!' and the both of them ran for the schoolhouse.
Despite the danger Mercedes posed to Ryoga, Ryoga's mind was only concentrating on two things. Escape Azusa, and get back to the shed before Nabiki came back, found he was gone, and kissed him again after tracking him down of course.
Escape Mercedes was actually sixth on his "To do List" right under Escape Azusa, Fool Nabiki,
Win Akane's love, Kill Ranma and Find Solution to World Hunger.
The large dog barreled through the doors to the school, taking Ryoga with it. They bumped into none other than Kuno.
"Wha!" Kuno cried. "Why . . . it is Akane Tendo's pet piglet and a large dog. No doubt Akane misses her pig I must take it to her!"
'Kuno, I love you!' Ryoga though. Then he considered it and changed his mind to 'That is, I appreciate your existence!'
Kuno raised Ryoga over his head as the dog and Azusa leapt up and down trying to take him.
Unfortunately Azusa did something that anyone who knew her even remotely would have expected. Unfortunately Kuno had two things going against him, first he didn't know Azusa too well and second he was an idiot.
"Why do you try to steal Akane Tendo's pig?"
"That's Azusa's Charlotte!" Azusa screamed. She then grabbed 'Mercedes' by the tail, swung the dog back over her head and brought the shocked beast down on Kuno's head. She then repeated this until both Mercedes and Kuno were thoroughly dazed. "Give back Azusa's whittle Charlotte! Give Azusa her char-wotte back!"
Then Kuno did something incredibly Kuno-ish. Something Ryoga figured he should have expected from a stupid idiot pervert like Kuno, but still it came as a shock.
Kuno got up (immune to the numerous head blows, not possessing any brain or vital equipment in his head) got down on one knee, grabbed Ryoga and said "Oh my aggressive beauty! Take this, your Charlotte and be mine for it hast been written in the scrolls of destiny that you, my beloved Dog Swinging Girl and I, the blue thunder be together forever!"
'You're a masochist aren't you?' Ryoga glared at Kuno. Azusa snatched him from Kuno's hands and cuddled him.
"Oh my darling Charlotte! Azusa was so worried!" Ryoga was going nuts! He had enough! He bit Azusa's hand, not for the first (and a strange part of him hoped not for the last) time and was dropped on his face. P-Chan's pig brain needed no bidding and soon the little black piglet was running like mad squealing hoping Akane, Nabiki or even Ranma would hear him. Azusa grabbed
Mercedes and ran after Ryoga, Kuno ran after Azusa.
"BUKEE!"
"Come back Charlotte!"
"Come back Dog Swinging Girl!"
"BUKEE!"
"Come back Charlotte!"
"Come back Dog Swinging Girl!"
Nabiki sighed. She slammed her head down on her desk. "I'm not going to look!" She cried. "That boy is more trouble than he's worth!"
"Nabiki!" The class and the teacher gasped.
"'That *boy*'?" A girl asked.
"What boy? You mean the one with the bandanna? Cause you said he wasn't your boyfriend!"
"How could you lie to me Nabiki! I'm your best friend!" A girl cried.
"Who the heck are you!?" Nabiki demanded of her.
"Nabiki! For yelling in class AND causing an uproar go stand in the hall!"
"Oh god!" Nabiki moaned. "Just throw me into the war zone!"
"BUKEE!"
"Come back Charlotte!"
"Come back Dog Swinging Girl!"
"Come back you jerks!"
Ranma frowned. "Oh great." He shook his head.
"P-Chan?" Akane wondered. She stood up when she saw Azusa run past the room. "P-Chan!" Akane cried.
"Akane go stand in the hall!"
Nabiki ran after Kuno and Azusa, suspecting that Ryoga was in front of them.
"BUKEE!"
"Come back Charlotte!"
"Come back Dog Swinging Girl!"
"I'm not going to repeat myself!" Nabiki shouted.
"Come back P-Chan!" Akane shouted from behind Nabiki.
Nabiki slowed down and looked back at her sister, who was gaining speed down the hallway, they crashed into each other. Luckily when Ryoga heard Akane he'd turned on his heels (if pigs had heels) and bolted through Azusa and Kuno's legs and leapt into Akane's waiting arms.
"Oh P-Chan! I won't let them hurt you!" Akane cried.
Nabiki glared at Ryoga. 'You think you're safe now? Oh just you wait till we get home, I'm going to shove you in an afro, a gold medallion AND make you wear platform shoes! Oh yeah Ryoga-baby you're gonna be sorry you got me put in detention!'
"Here Nabiki!" Akane said. "Take P-Chan, I'll deal with these two!"
"Akane Tendo! If you defeat me-"
"Yeah yeah I know I get to ask you out. Who said I wanted to?!"
"Don't be silly!" Azusa spat. "Azusa does not want to fight! Azusa just wants her Charlotte!"
"P-Chan isn't yours!" Akane cried. "He's mine!"
By now crowds of students were staring at the spectacle, much to the shock of their teachers.
"Azusa can have whatever Azusa wants!" Azusa spat.
"Man, ought-ta introduce her to Shampoo." Ranma said. "They'd get 'long perfectly."
"Don't slander my Shampoo!" Mousse cried.
"You're still here?" Ranma shrugged.
Nabiki snatched P-Chan from Akane's hands. "Remember Akane, you said P-Chan would protect me from the ninjas. And I had to keep an eye on him. So let *me* deal with this." Nabiki said calmly. Akane gave her a hateful look but Nabiki swept her aside and stood in front of Kuno and Azusa.
"Okay Kuno, I'll make this much perfectly clear. You leave my sister's piggy alone or I stop selling you embarrassing pictures of the pigtailed girl and Akane."
"GO FOR THE PIG!" Ranma cried.
"Alas!" Kuno sighed. "It was not meant to be. I beg of thee my Dog Swinging Siren, do not bare me ill will."
"Azusa thinks him talks funny!" Azusa giggled pointing at Kuno.
"Look who's talking-or trying to." Nabiki spat at Azusa. "Anyway Azusa, if you lay a finger on my Ryoga again I'll break every bone in your hand!"
"What does THAT have to do with P-Chan?" Akane demanded.
"What? Didn't I *say* P-Chan?"
"No." Akane said.
"You said Ryoga." Ranma informed her. "You called 'im *your* Ryoga."
Nabiki closed her eyes tight. She took a deep breath and held back the urge to strangle the piglet she held in her arms. Somehow she decided she'd blame this all on Ryoga. "Anyway, touch *P-Chan* again or mess with me and I'll make you sorry." Nabiki sighed, her dramatic challenge ruined utterly.
"Azusa wants to see Akane's mean sister try it!"
Nabiki whistled and the German Shepherd snapped to attention.
"Roll over boy!" Nabiki said. The dog rolled over.
"Mercedes does tricks!" Azusa cried happily dancing around.
"Sit boy! Good boy." Nabiki smiled. "Now . . . kill Azusa boy!"
The dog gave Nabiki a look of profound appreciating and charged after Azusa barking like a demon.
"TEEHEEHEE! Mercedes wants to play tag!" Azusa giggled.
"Wait! Dog Swinging Girl!" Kuno cried.
"You're hopeless Kuno-baby." Nabiki sighed.
"Squee." P-Chan nodded his agreement.
Ryoga walked behind Nabiki on their way back to the Tendo training hall. "So . . ." he said. "Since I was chased out of the hiding place, and I didn't try to escape . . . you're not going to kiss me right?" Ryoga asked hopefully.
Nabiki didn't turn to face him, but he could hear the smile in her voice. "Is that disappointment in your voice? I think it is Ryoga-sweetie . . ."
"Sweetie?" Ryoga asked. "That's not true, I'm not disappointed, I'm eh . . . Oh I'm just curious because eh . . ." 'If I tell her I don't want a kiss she'll kiss me . . . but if I tell her I do want a kiss she'll kiss me . . . and Akane and Ranma are walking right behind us . . . and . . . I know!' "I don't really care one way or the other."
"Well that's okay." Nabiki said. "You were a good boy for the rest of the day weren't you? And I told you that if you were a good boy I'd give you a nice big kiss."
Ryoga frowned. "You changed your mind though."
"No." Nabiki laughed. "I just added onto the deal by saying that I'd kiss you if you were bad, but I never said I wouldn't still kiss you if you were good. Get it?"
"No. But . . ." Ryoga frowned, "hey . . . I tell you what . . . how about if you don't kiss me, I'll give you the money I managed to save up lately?"
"It sounds fair." Nabiki said. Ryoga handed her the money, which she took and counted, never once looking back at him. "Not enough . . . but I'll let you slide."
Ryoga followed her a few more paces. Then he had a thought. "Eh . . . Nabiki . . . when you were challenging Kuno and Azusa . . ."
"What about it?" Nabiki said sharply.
"Well . . . I was just curious, did you mean what you said?"
"About you being mine? Yes! Yes I meant it, you're my slave remember? It wasn't like I was
thinking of you as my boyfriend or anything like that! Just as my slave, which you are, and not as my boyfriend, which you are not."
"Uh . . . I was just going to ask if you really *could* break every bone in her hand but . . . well I can see your distracted. But that's okay . . ." Ryoga couldn't see her face but he sensed the embarrassed yet outraged look that must be covering it now. To add to the blow he ended his sentence with " . . . sweetie."
"What's that? Wanna see me break every bone in your hand? If you insist!" Nabiki cried, grabbing Ryoga's hand.
"SEE! They ARE holding hands!" Akane cried from behind them. Nabiki and Ryoga turned back and looked at Akane and Ranma who both sweat dropped then dove for cover. Ukyo was with them but she just shrugged as if in apology, then Akane grabbed her and pulled her behind a light post as if it were sufficient cover for the both of them.
"Do they really think we don't know they're back there?" Nabiki asked, quickly pulling her arm away from Ryoga.
"So . . ." Phil sighed. "Who are the newest contestants?"
"Eh . . . we've got a girl named Azusa and her dog Mercedes. But they're late."
"Cancel em."
"We cant, the girl's father sponsors us."
Phil sighed. He hadn't seen really funny pets since the humane society sued him and forced him to make sure none of the animals were harmed. Though seeing Betty the Python eat Crackers the Great Dane had been hilarious! Sad and tragic, but hilarious! He'd come to Japan in hopes of finding pets who'd be really funny AND kick major tail–if you will–in a place out of reach of the oppressive land of 'freedom' that he hailed from. "Why did I ever move away from Canada?" He sighed. "Okay skip over them and then put them at the front of the line when they show up. Who's next?"
The assistant checked his clipboard. "Eh . . . a girl named Akari Unryu-"
"A girl? She cute?" Phil demanded.
"Sort of. I really don't go for young girls."
"She's young?" Phil asked, disapointed.
"Maybe fifteen or sixteen."
"Send her in." Phil commanded.
"Hello!" The girl said. "I'm here to audition with my pet Sumo Wrestling Pig!"
"Excuse me?" Phil asked. "Sumo Wrestling Pig? What the heck is that?"
"Oh, his name is Katsunishiki!"
"I didn't ask for his name!" Phil cried. "What the heck is a sumo pig?"
"Katsunishiki is a sumo pig!" The girl said.
"Just show me the stinkin' animal!" Phil growled. This girl was only slightly cute, he was now impatient.
"Katsunishiki!" The girl called.
There was a rumbling sound and a huge pig came in. It gave Phil a hateful glance.
"What does it do?" Phil asked, trying not to show how amazed he was at the pig's size.
"He does sumo!"
"Well as stupid as that does sound, I don't think we'd be able to display that considering our lack of sumo-wrestling pigs on the show so . . . eh just go on home. Don't call us, we'll call you."
"But I need to get on this show!" Akari pleaded. "I need the money to feed my piggies!"
The huge pig lunged forward and ate Phil's assistant.
"HOLY MOTHER OF MONEY! Okay, okay! Just get Joe out of that thing's mouth! I can't afford another lawsuit and if that thing kills him his wife will sue me again! And this time she'll have a good excuse!"
"Spit him out Katsunishiki!" Akari said.
The pig gave her a sad look.
"You didn't swallow did you?" Akari demanded.
The pig shrugged.
"Barf him up Katsunishiki!" Akari cried. "Before he runs out of air!"
BWARF!
"You cannot imagine the things that I've seen!" Joe cried. "Boss don't let that thing near me again!"
"If your pig can do that again during the show you might just win." Phil noted. "Don't worry Joe, we'll get you an anti-stomach-acid suit and some scuba gear." Joe hung his head in grief.
"Oh thank you! I hope to see you again Mr. Satyr!"
"Yeah sure." Phil sighed. "I hope ta see more 'o you too . . . 'nekkid that is." He thought out loud.
"What?" Akari asked.
Katsunishiki glared at Phil.
"Did I say that out loud?" Phil asked.
"Yep." Joe said.
"Um . . . hey Nabiki . . . when do we have to show up for those auditions?" Ryoga asked.
"Today." Nabiki said. "But you ditched me, remember?"
"Well . . . if you wanna try out . . . I mean I'm not too crazy about it but, I mean I do sort of owe you." Ryoga said softly. "I mean for saving me from Azusa."
"Good. Because y'know what direction-less wonder?" Nabiki turned on him with a smile. "I've already led us to the studio."
"You're good." Ryoga frowned. "Very good."
"I'm just smarter than you." Nabiki stated it as if it were the simplest fact. "But yes, I'm good too."
Ryoga sighed as Nabiki led him into the studio. They passed Soun and Genma and paused.
"Daddy?" Nabiki asked.
'What are they doing here?' Ryoga wondered.
"Oh we're just leaving Nabiki." Soun said. "We eh . . . came in to use the bathroom, you know your uncle Saotome has a bladder the size of a walnut."
"Hey!"
"Anyway, we're out of here, bye!" Soun cried.
"Wait a minute!" Nabiki cried. "You two better not have been up to what I think you two were up to!" She growled. "I KNEW there was a good reason for Genma refusing me!" Nabiki snarled. She glared at Ryoga. "If you mess up I'll do more than kiss you. Y'know what I mean Ryoga-baby?" She asked winking.
"Not really . . . wait . . . you mean . . . GOD, NO!" Ryoga cried. "I'll get it right I swear!"
"Where is mean girl's Charlotte?" Azusa demanded. She and a muzzled Mercedes looked as if they had run a thousand miles over a bed of nails.
"He'll be here!" Ryoga said.
"Mean girl will see real talent when Azusa and Mercedes audition!"
"It's not a talent show, it's just a stupid game show to see how stupid our pets are!" Nabiki spat.
"Azusa doesn't care! Azusa and Mercedes will win this game and then Azusa will take Charlotte home!"
"C'mon Ryoga." Nabiki said. "Let's go get P-Chan."
"Eh . . . sure." Ryoga frowned. "Where's the nearest water fountain?"
They wondered around for a few minutes. They couldn't find anything. "Okay, Nabiki Tendo and P-Chan!" Some one shouted.
"I need you to transform NOW!" Nabiki commanded Ryoga.
"It's not like I can do it on command!" Ryoga protested.
"Hiya!" Ranma waved. He threw a water balloon at Ryoga who transformed into P-Chan.
"Where the heck did you get that?" Nabiki demanded. "Who cares, let's go Ryoga."
"BUKEE!" 'Darn it!'
"Good luck you two!" Ranma called after them. "If ya win I want a third!"
'How the heck did he know we were trying to win this contest? Oh yeah, he and Akane followed us . . . OH NO! Akane!' Ryoga thought.
"Azusa and Mercedes don't even have to audition!" Azusa said. "Azusa was so good that she got on the show just when she showed up."
"C'mon P-Chan, if Azusa and Mercedes can do it we can do it! And if dad and Genma got on the show we CANT let them outdo us!" Nabiki dragged Ryoga into the audition room.
There were two men inside. Both looked as if they'd been eaten alive and then thrown up.
"Okay, what's your pet's stupid . . . eh . . . thing." A man asked.
"My pet is incredibly stupid." Nabiki said. "He does tricks!"
'Not well.' Ryoga thought.
"Behold! P-Chan, roll over."
Ryoga did so. He wished for a middle finger more than anything he'd ever wished for before.
"Now, P-Chan, sing."
"K-KEE! K-KEE! SQUEE! SQUEE! K-KEE! K-KEE!" 'Stupid! You're so stupid! I can call you that and you won't even know! Stupid!'
"Make it stop!" The host cried.
"Enough, P-Chan. Now . . . P-Chan . . . DANCE!" Nabiki commanded.
'I love to hate you Nabiki.' Ryoga thought. 'I ought to make you dance one of these days. A pair of six shooters ought to do it.' Ryoga began dancing as a piglet. However he messed up almost immediately. As he tried to spin around on his head he went spinning right into the assistant who doubled over and fell onto him.
"Excellent!" The host laughed. "This is the second pig to attack Joe today!"
"Does that mean we made it?" Nabiki asked excitedly.
"What? No of course not." The host shrugged. "I just think it's cool that your pig attacked Joe!"
"Darn it!" Nabiki cried. Just then Mercedes came to the rescue, breaking through the door it attacked P-Chan right away.
Ryoga and the dog chased each other around for a while, and then finally Ryoga turned and lunged forward, hitting the dog head on in a skull bash. The dog fell over. Ryoga laughed wickedly in pig-tongue. "Oinky! Oinky! Oinky!" Ryoga snickered. 'That ought to teach you to attack me! I AM the KING!'
"Hmm . . . an ass kicking piglet . . . to face off with that sumo pig!" the host snickered. "Don't call us, we'll call you!"
Nabiki scowled at P-Chan and picked him up. "You better hope we get onto the show." She said when they were out of the building.
'Believe me, considering what happens if we don't, I am gonna pray tonight!' Ryoga thought.
To Be Continued . . .
Next Chapter . . .
Akane got no end of satisfaction knowing that Ryoga had found a nice girlfriend who didn't raise giant pigs and that her sister wouldn't end up marrying some one who needed to ask a puppet for advice on how to live his life.
Ranma said that she was getting carried away. Oh well. He didn't understand love! That much was certain. Ranma had told her that soon, very soon she'd see that he was right and that Nabiki and Ryoga really weren't in love, but Akane knew she'd prove *him* wrong.
Charlotte's Web
Chapter 7
Rock Hard Competition
Nabiki yawned and sat up in bed the next morning. She stretched out, looked around. Decided it wasn't time to wake up yet and laid back down. She landed on top of something hard.
"Huh?"
"BUKEE!"
"Oh!" Nabiki sweat dropped. "Eh . . . sorry Ryoga-baby." Nabiki said honestly. "I forgot you were there."
"K-KEE!"
"Don't be like that!" Nabiki argued. "I said I was sorry."
"SQUEEE!"
"Okay! Okay! You win!" Nabiki yawned. She grabbed P-Chan and in somewhat of a sleeping walking state she dragged him into the wash room and filled a bucket with hot water. She put it down in front of P-Chan who made no move towards it. She put some of Ryoga's cloths in front of the bucket and walked out. There was some loud noises from inside and then Ryoga came out fully dressed.
"Where did you get my cloths?" Ryoga asked.
"If I tell you, I'll have to bill you." Nabiki said, putting a spin on the 'If I tell you I'll have to kill you' line.
Ryoga frowned. He shook his head. "What a head ache. You smashed me!"
"I said I was sorry." Nabiki said.
"Did you?" Ryoga asked. "Oh, well I don't understand human-tongue when I'm a pig."
"Liar." Nabiki scoffed.
Ryoga grinned. "Wanna bet?"
"Oh don't go there." Nabiki grinned back. "You'll never beat me in a bet. Now, step aside I need a shower."
"I second that opinion." Ryoga said. Nabiki elbowed him and kicked him out of the room.
"Oh! Hello Ryoga!" Kasumi said. "You're welcome to breakfast. We have extra, father and Uncle Saotome left home early today and left their breakfast behind."
"Uh, thank you." Ryoga said.
"When did you arrive? I was awake at sunrise." Kasumi said. "Did you spend the night?"
"I . . . eh . . . slept in a closet." Ryoga said, feeling bad about lying to Kasumi.
"I'll remember to leave a pillow in each closet then." Kasumi said with a big smile.
Ryoga grinned. "Gee that'd be great." He sat down at the table and ate quickly. However Nabiki came down before he could finish and escape. 'Damn my stomach! I should have just ran.' Ryoga thought.
"Good morning Nabiki!" Kasumi enthused. "Did you know Ryoga slept in a closet?"
"Did he?" Nabiki grinned at Ryoga. "Too bad. I might have had extra room in my bed if it weren't for that little porker of Akane's."
"I don't think father would approve of you two sharing a bed anyway." Kasumi said, oblivious.
Nabiki laughed wickedly, Ryoga just lowered his head and blushed. Kasumi was oblivious though and so she eventually started laughing too.
"Why are *you* laughing?" Nabiki asked.
"I don't know." Kasumi admitted. "Why are *you* laughing?" she seemed to be honestly curious.
"Just thought of something funny." Nabiki shrugged. "So Ryoga-honey, you are coming with me to school today."
"When P-Chan flies." Ryoga said.
Nabiki glared at him for a second. "Did it sound like I was *asking* you?" She asked calmly.
Ryoga smiled weakly. "But I . . . eh . . . I gotta go to my *own* school."
"Don't try that on me, you don't go to school." Nabiki said.
"Yes . . . why don't you go to school, Ryoga?" Kasumi asked.
"I eh . . . can't find it." Ryoga said.
"Makes sense to me." Nabiki said.
"Sounds like our Ryoga." Kasumi agreed.
"Do you think Nabiki and Ryoga are going out?" Akane asked.
"No." Ranma shrugged. "But I do think it's dumb for us to spy on them, were all going to the same place ain't we?"
"I don't want them to see us." Akane said. "Maybe they'll kiss! See how they're holding hands?"
Ranma frowned. "How well do you know Ryoga? 'Cause if ya just met him, what you just said wouldn't sound so stupid. If anything she's hold'in his hand to keep him from getting lost!"
"Then why is she taking him to school with her?" Akane whispered challenge to Ranma.
"Probably to duel me again."
"She wouldn't set up another duel so quickly." Akane shook her head. "It must be love!"
"Will you let go of my hand? I'm not so bad that I cant just follow you." Ryoga said.
"Last time you walked into the street."
"That was just because I was tired." Ryoga protested.
"Besides, I'm irking Akane."
"Huh?" Ryoga asked. "Doing what to Akane?"
"She and her gender-switching boyfriend are following us." Nabiki explained. "Have been since we left."
"Why is that strange? You go to the same school."
"She usually walks a different way with Ranma." Nabiki said.
"Really?" Ryoga asked. "Akane is jealous of us? Akane is jealous of ME?" Ryoga's heart flew in the clouds happily.
"No." Nabiki said. Ryoga's heart crashed. "I think she's just curious. If you were just a little bit cuter I'd kiss you to see how she reacted."
"A little bit cuter?!" Ryoga demanded. "I'm plenty cute!" Then he regretted saying it.
"I guess that's true. Do you want me to kiss you then?" Nabiki asked, raising an eyebrow.
"God knows you kiss P-Chan enough-I mean NO!" Ryoga said, but Nabiki grinned wickedly and moved to give him a quick kiss on the cheek. However martial arts training and a sort of spider sense was the opposite of useful for once. Ryoga turned to face her attack in time for her lips to meet his instead of his cheek.
Ryoga frowned. He'd kissed Nabiki . . . in front of Akane . . . his chances with Akane were officially ruined . . .
"Oh look!" Akane said happily. "They *are* together! Did you see them kiss?"
"Looked like an accident to me." Ranma said. "And now Ryoga is crying."
"Tears of joy at finding his one true love!" Akane said. "See how she comforts him in his tears?"
"Buck up ya loser! What kind of man are you?" Nabiki shouted at Ryoga.
"Their love was written in the scrolls of Valhalla, they shall be together forever just as Pharaoh and Ceaser, as Athena and Telemachos, as Penelope and Agamemnon, as Castor and Pollux, and as Loki and Skadi before them, and as I and Dr. Tofu are meant to be!"
"Now you sound kind of like Kuno." Ranma observed. "I'm no whiz, but I'm pretty sure none of those couples got together, also pretty sure at least one of them was a same sex coupling and . . . hey wait a minute-I thought you were over Tofu!"
Akane blinked. "Hmm? Did I say something about Tofu? I meant to say . . . eh . . . Mikado."
"MIKADO!?" Ranma cried. "WHY MIKADO?"
"It wasn't that bad." Nabiki said. "Don't be such a baby." She avoided facing Ryoga directly, keeping pace ahead of him. Partially because she was insulted that he'd react that way to her kiss, partially because she didn't want him to know she was blushing.
"Easy for you to say! That wasn't even your first kiss! To think mine would be given to me not only by a girl who doesn't even like me, but on accident!"
"I don't *not* like you, I just don't *like* like you." Nabiki pointed out, "If we were in college, I might even let you get me drunk, then sleep with you. Anyway that was *not* your first kiss!" Nabiki protested. "Don't think I don't know about you and what's-her-face. The girl with the sumo-pigs."
"What? Oh yeah . . . but Akane was watching this time!"
"If it's any consequence to you she's fuming with jealous anger." Nabiki lied.
"Really?"
"Yes." Nabiki said. "She squeezed Ranma's arm so hard when we kissed she must have broken a bone or something." Nabiki continued her lies. Hey, if it made Ryoga feel any better . . . after all she still needed him for that stupid contest.
The kiss from hell aside, the day itself went uneventfully. Nabiki was ruthless, she decided to accept a bet to see wether or not Ryoga could stand on his head. When he proved that he could she made him stand on his head in every class just because it amused her. Of course the instructors didn't dare speak up. Ryoga wondered what Nabiki had that'd scare them so.
During lunch Ryoga made five escape attempts, each time Nabiki or one of her friends would catch him mid dash. Ranma even caught him once.
"I though it was a game!" Ranma protested to an angry Ryoga.
"A GAME! A game? I'm in serious danger here!"
But then the day got interesting when Ranma shouted "Hey Nabiki! I caught your boyfriend for ya!"
"Kinnosuke? Oh! Ryoga?" Nabiki frowned. "He's not my boyfriend."
"Y'hear that Ryoga?" Ranma asked. "She's two timing ya buddy!"
Ryoga sighed. Nabiki walked over and slapped him 'gently' "Don't run off like that!" She said. "I'll get handcuffs if you keep this up."
"Kinky." Ranma grinned.
Ryoga was about to punch Ranma really hard, but Nabiki beat him to it, kicking Ranma in the crotch.
"OUCH!" Ranma cried.
"OUCH!" Ryoga sympathized.
"Beat it!" Nabiki commanded Ranma, who obediently waddled away.
"Oh my god!" Ryoga gasped. "You kicked Ranma's butt!"
"Balls actually." Nabiki said.
"She did not!" Ranma shouted in his female voice.
"He's talking like Ranko and he hasn't even transformed!" Ryoga said in surprise.
"He wasn't expecting it. I really thought he'd jump away." Nabiki shrugged.
"Who cares?" Ryoga demanded. "You never kick a guy below the belt!" he didnt want to admit he was now idolizing her for doing in a single move what he couldnt manage at all.
"Why not?" Nabiki demanded.
"It just hurts to much to be fair." Ryoga guessed.
"Really? I'll have to remember that." Nabiki said calmly.
However the day was not done being . . . interesting. A large hot air balloon drifted into the schoolyard and out jumped Azusa and a huge German Shepherd.
"Azusa and Mercedes challenge you!" Azusa cried, pointing at Nabiki.
"What? Why me?" Nabiki asked. "Hey Ryoga, if I kick her between the legs will she run off like Ranma did?" Nabiki asked, Ryoga was surprised when he realized that Nabiki was honestly curious.
"Probably not." Ryoga said. "But who knows? She *is* pretty weird."
"Azusa doesn't mean fighting!" Azusa cried. "Azusa wants to see you and Charlotte (Azusa pointed to Ryoga) at the 'When Pets do Dumb Crap' auditions! If Azusa wins she takes her Charlotte! If Mean sister of Akane wins she gets to take Mercedes!"
'Mercedes' didn't seem interested in waiting for the competition to go home with Nabiki. He rushed forward and started humping Nabiki's leg.
"You again!?" Nabiki shouted. "Gerroff me! Gerroff me!"
Ryoga pulled the now very annoyed dog away from an even more annoyed Nabiki. "Okay Azure!" Nabiki shouted. "But let's adjust the bet! If P-Chan and I win you pay us one million yen each!"
"In mean girl's dreams!" Azusa cried.
"Pay us both a half million times two!" Nabiki reasoned.
"Fair enough." Azusa cried. "But Azusa won't lose! And Azusa will take Charlotte home!" She declared, pointing at Ryoga over and over again. "Be brave darling Charlotte, Azusa will take you home soon!"
"I eh . . . I don't know what your talking about." Ryoga said. "My name is-"
"P-Chan!" Ranma whispered over his shoulder.
'That didn't work the first time he tried it, what makes him think It'd work now? Idiot.' Ryoga wondered. "P-Chan!" 'Doh!' "I meat Ryoga!"
"P-Chan?" Akane wondered.
"P-Chan!" Ranma shouted accusingly, pointing at Ryoga.
"My name is Ryoga!" Ryoga protested.
"Ryoga." Nabiki agreed.
"Charlotte!" Azusa cried.
"P-Chan!" Ranma repeated.
"Lost boy!" Shampoo put in.
"Pig-Boy!" Mousse cried.
"P-Chan!" Ranma insisted.
"Darling!" Akari squealed.
"The Bandanna Kid!" Genma shouted.
"Fanged Wanderer!" Kuno cried.
"Man of Steel!" Soun cried.
"That's Ranma's new name!" Akane said.
"AAHHH! What *is* my name?!" A confused Ryoga cried weakly.
"Oh for the love of god!" Ukyo shouted. "Your name is RYOGA! And what are all you idiots doing here anyway?"
"We were passing by." Genma said. "Saw the big balloon and decided to see what was going on."
"We were expecting Ranma to be in another fight." Soun added.
Then god looked down and must have decided he didn't like Ryoga . . . because it started to rain.
"CURSES!" Ryoga shouted as droplets of rain struck his shirt. He looked up at the clouds and knew it was going to get worse.
Ranma was laughing maniacally. "BWAHAHAHAHA! Don't get too wet Charlotte!" He cried.
"Oh no!" Azusa cried. "Charlotte must not get wet! Poor Charlotte will get a cold! Azusa will give Charlotte a long hot bath!"
"I'm not taking a bath with her again!" Ryoga cried in panic.
"Again?" Nabiki demanded, slight tones of shock and anger in her voice.
"Charlotte?" Akane questioned. It was fair to say that the majority of the people present were in fact bewildered. But then the unthinkable happened. A single raindrop landed on Genma's nose . . . and he became Panda-Genma! "Behold My True Form!" Read Genma's sign.
"AAAHHHHH!" Ryoga cried.
"AAAHHHHH!" Mousse agreed.
"AAAHHHHH!" Ranma shouted when cat-Shampoo leapt onto his shoulder and began licking his cheek.
Ryoga was panicking. He didn't have his umbrella and Akane was standing right in front of him! If he turned into P-Chan in front of her he was finished . . . but he didn't have anywhere to go!
Then he felt some one grab his arm and lead him away from disaster! "Nabiki!" He gasped.
"C'mon pig-boy, cant let Akane discover your dirty secret!" She hissed. She dragged him into a large shed of some kind. There was gym equipment everywhere. "This should do it." She said. "Nice and dry."
Ryoga looked around. He was amazed that he hadn't transformed, it was pure luck that there hadn't been enough rain. But now it was really coming down, he could hear it on the rooftop.
Nabiki looked out the window and grinned. "They're dropping like flies. There goes Mousse. He's a duck now. And there's Ranko, checking herself out. Yep, looks like I got you in here just in time." Nabiki smiled wickedly. "I'll send you the bill."
Ryoga frowned. He did not think he could afford any more debt or weeks of slave labor. Nabiki laughed wickedly. "Maybe they'll cancel class." She sighed.
"Why? It's indoors, the rain doesn't affect the class." Ryoga said.
"Point. Ruin my dreams then." Nabiki scoffed.
"You've still got ten minutes of lunch break left." Ryoga observed.
"What? You think the rain will stop by then?" Nabiki demanded. "I can't just leave you here, I don't trust you not to run off. And I can't take you out there in the rain, you wouldn't make it two steps before you were on all fours."
"Well . . ." Ryoga shrugged. "If that's how you feel about it, why not just cut class and stay here with me? Then when some one finds us they'll think we were making out or something and everyone in the whole school will talk about it. 'Oh look, there goes Nabiki, you know, the girl who used to be so cool until she was caught with that boy in the shed.'"
Nabiki glared at him. "Curse you, your negotiating powers have out done me for once. Very well you stay here, if you leave this shed I'll let Azusa take you home."
"Okay . . . so what are you waiting for?" Ryoga asked.
"I'm not going anywhere until my ten minutes or up, or it stops raining." Nabiki said. She sat down on a crate and sighed. "So . . . know any good ten minute games?"
"I know one, but it's been a while since I've played it."
"I'm not having sex with you." Nabiki said crossly.
"I wasn't talking about that, that's a twelve hour game."
Nabiki raised an eyebrow. "Twelve hours?" She asked with interest.
Azusa was dancing around happily in the rain with Mercedes, who was all wet and skinny looking. The majority of the people there were staring at her as if she was some idiot but she was oblivious. She was, after all, Azusa.
And she'd win Charlotte back from that Mean sister of Akane's. She'd win back her darling Charlotte!
Mercedes barked happily in agreement. In reality the dog was barking viciously at the giant panda as if to say 'Hey! I remember you from chapter one!' but Azusa didn't see it that way.
During her dance Mercedes managed to escape from her. "Go fetch the Frisbee!" Azusa had cried. It took all of ten seconds for her to realize that she hadn't thrown one.
"Oh come back Mercedes! Come back!" Azusa frowned. All her pets ran away. "All Azusa's pets run away from Azusa and Azusa has to go catch them!" She whined.
The rain wasn't letting up, and Nabiki didn't want to venture out into it. Ryoga had promised not to leave but she didn't really trust him. When she could avoid it no longer she ordered him not to leave the area. "If you do, I'll turn you into a pig and make sure Kasumi cooks pork chops again!
"I said I wouldn't leave so I wont." Ryoga sighed.
"Just making sure." Nabiki warned him. She grinned. "If you're a good boy, maybe I'll kiss you again."
"In THAT case maybe I will try to escape." Ryoga mumbled. Nabiki threw her shoe at him, then recovered it.
"Jerk." She scoffed "Fine then, leave this place and I'll kiss you again!" She waved as she left.
However as she closed the door she felt as if something big and fluffy ran past her. She ignored it and ran for the school building.
Ryoga was surprised when 'Mercedes' came into the shed in Nabiki's stead. He was surprised and a little afraid. Then Mercedes trotted over to him, it's tail wagging. Ryoga had some experience with dogs of course, he had one of his own. He knew it would be bad to show his fear to the German Shepherd so he smiled in a friendly fashion and gave the dog a nice pat on the head.
The dog seemed to accept this as a sign of friendship. Then the dog decided it was comfortable enough around the human boy to shake itself and the water sprayed everywhere. Even on poor Ryoga.
"SQUEE!" 'AAAHHHH!'
"WRROFFF!" The dog barked.
"K-KEE! K-KEE!" Ryoga oinked threateningly at the equally threatening dog. 'Don't come any closer! Don't make me give you another Pig Fang French Kiss!' Ryoga thought.
The dog lunged forward, Ryoga leapt onto the crate Nabiki had been sitting on. The dog lunged for him again. He saw the window, a perfect window, he knew if he could get through that window he'd be free! He leapt onto the sill and began to try to open the window. But he lacked any sort of opposable thumb.
That problem was quickly solved . . . when 'Mercedes' leapt at him and they both went through the window with a CRASH!
"SQUEE!" Ryoga cried almost in after thought. Mercedes seemed bewildered but the large dog was on its feet in no time and shaking rain off. Rain that hit Ryoga.
"Mercedes!" Azusa cried. "You found Charlotte! What a good doggy-woggy you are Mercedes!"
Mercedes gave Ryoga a look, as if to say 'not again!' and the both of them ran for the schoolhouse.
Despite the danger Mercedes posed to Ryoga, Ryoga's mind was only concentrating on two things. Escape Azusa, and get back to the shed before Nabiki came back, found he was gone, and kissed him again after tracking him down of course.
Escape Mercedes was actually sixth on his "To do List" right under Escape Azusa, Fool Nabiki,
Win Akane's love, Kill Ranma and Find Solution to World Hunger.
The large dog barreled through the doors to the school, taking Ryoga with it. They bumped into none other than Kuno.
"Wha!" Kuno cried. "Why . . . it is Akane Tendo's pet piglet and a large dog. No doubt Akane misses her pig I must take it to her!"
'Kuno, I love you!' Ryoga though. Then he considered it and changed his mind to 'That is, I appreciate your existence!'
Kuno raised Ryoga over his head as the dog and Azusa leapt up and down trying to take him.
Unfortunately Azusa did something that anyone who knew her even remotely would have expected. Unfortunately Kuno had two things going against him, first he didn't know Azusa too well and second he was an idiot.
"Why do you try to steal Akane Tendo's pig?"
"That's Azusa's Charlotte!" Azusa screamed. She then grabbed 'Mercedes' by the tail, swung the dog back over her head and brought the shocked beast down on Kuno's head. She then repeated this until both Mercedes and Kuno were thoroughly dazed. "Give back Azusa's whittle Charlotte! Give Azusa her char-wotte back!"
Then Kuno did something incredibly Kuno-ish. Something Ryoga figured he should have expected from a stupid idiot pervert like Kuno, but still it came as a shock.
Kuno got up (immune to the numerous head blows, not possessing any brain or vital equipment in his head) got down on one knee, grabbed Ryoga and said "Oh my aggressive beauty! Take this, your Charlotte and be mine for it hast been written in the scrolls of destiny that you, my beloved Dog Swinging Girl and I, the blue thunder be together forever!"
'You're a masochist aren't you?' Ryoga glared at Kuno. Azusa snatched him from Kuno's hands and cuddled him.
"Oh my darling Charlotte! Azusa was so worried!" Ryoga was going nuts! He had enough! He bit Azusa's hand, not for the first (and a strange part of him hoped not for the last) time and was dropped on his face. P-Chan's pig brain needed no bidding and soon the little black piglet was running like mad squealing hoping Akane, Nabiki or even Ranma would hear him. Azusa grabbed
Mercedes and ran after Ryoga, Kuno ran after Azusa.
"BUKEE!"
"Come back Charlotte!"
"Come back Dog Swinging Girl!"
"BUKEE!"
"Come back Charlotte!"
"Come back Dog Swinging Girl!"
Nabiki sighed. She slammed her head down on her desk. "I'm not going to look!" She cried. "That boy is more trouble than he's worth!"
"Nabiki!" The class and the teacher gasped.
"'That *boy*'?" A girl asked.
"What boy? You mean the one with the bandanna? Cause you said he wasn't your boyfriend!"
"How could you lie to me Nabiki! I'm your best friend!" A girl cried.
"Who the heck are you!?" Nabiki demanded of her.
"Nabiki! For yelling in class AND causing an uproar go stand in the hall!"
"Oh god!" Nabiki moaned. "Just throw me into the war zone!"
"BUKEE!"
"Come back Charlotte!"
"Come back Dog Swinging Girl!"
"Come back you jerks!"
Ranma frowned. "Oh great." He shook his head.
"P-Chan?" Akane wondered. She stood up when she saw Azusa run past the room. "P-Chan!" Akane cried.
"Akane go stand in the hall!"
Nabiki ran after Kuno and Azusa, suspecting that Ryoga was in front of them.
"BUKEE!"
"Come back Charlotte!"
"Come back Dog Swinging Girl!"
"I'm not going to repeat myself!" Nabiki shouted.
"Come back P-Chan!" Akane shouted from behind Nabiki.
Nabiki slowed down and looked back at her sister, who was gaining speed down the hallway, they crashed into each other. Luckily when Ryoga heard Akane he'd turned on his heels (if pigs had heels) and bolted through Azusa and Kuno's legs and leapt into Akane's waiting arms.
"Oh P-Chan! I won't let them hurt you!" Akane cried.
Nabiki glared at Ryoga. 'You think you're safe now? Oh just you wait till we get home, I'm going to shove you in an afro, a gold medallion AND make you wear platform shoes! Oh yeah Ryoga-baby you're gonna be sorry you got me put in detention!'
"Here Nabiki!" Akane said. "Take P-Chan, I'll deal with these two!"
"Akane Tendo! If you defeat me-"
"Yeah yeah I know I get to ask you out. Who said I wanted to?!"
"Don't be silly!" Azusa spat. "Azusa does not want to fight! Azusa just wants her Charlotte!"
"P-Chan isn't yours!" Akane cried. "He's mine!"
By now crowds of students were staring at the spectacle, much to the shock of their teachers.
"Azusa can have whatever Azusa wants!" Azusa spat.
"Man, ought-ta introduce her to Shampoo." Ranma said. "They'd get 'long perfectly."
"Don't slander my Shampoo!" Mousse cried.
"You're still here?" Ranma shrugged.
Nabiki snatched P-Chan from Akane's hands. "Remember Akane, you said P-Chan would protect me from the ninjas. And I had to keep an eye on him. So let *me* deal with this." Nabiki said calmly. Akane gave her a hateful look but Nabiki swept her aside and stood in front of Kuno and Azusa.
"Okay Kuno, I'll make this much perfectly clear. You leave my sister's piggy alone or I stop selling you embarrassing pictures of the pigtailed girl and Akane."
"GO FOR THE PIG!" Ranma cried.
"Alas!" Kuno sighed. "It was not meant to be. I beg of thee my Dog Swinging Siren, do not bare me ill will."
"Azusa thinks him talks funny!" Azusa giggled pointing at Kuno.
"Look who's talking-or trying to." Nabiki spat at Azusa. "Anyway Azusa, if you lay a finger on my Ryoga again I'll break every bone in your hand!"
"What does THAT have to do with P-Chan?" Akane demanded.
"What? Didn't I *say* P-Chan?"
"No." Akane said.
"You said Ryoga." Ranma informed her. "You called 'im *your* Ryoga."
Nabiki closed her eyes tight. She took a deep breath and held back the urge to strangle the piglet she held in her arms. Somehow she decided she'd blame this all on Ryoga. "Anyway, touch *P-Chan* again or mess with me and I'll make you sorry." Nabiki sighed, her dramatic challenge ruined utterly.
"Azusa wants to see Akane's mean sister try it!"
Nabiki whistled and the German Shepherd snapped to attention.
"Roll over boy!" Nabiki said. The dog rolled over.
"Mercedes does tricks!" Azusa cried happily dancing around.
"Sit boy! Good boy." Nabiki smiled. "Now . . . kill Azusa boy!"
The dog gave Nabiki a look of profound appreciating and charged after Azusa barking like a demon.
"TEEHEEHEE! Mercedes wants to play tag!" Azusa giggled.
"Wait! Dog Swinging Girl!" Kuno cried.
"You're hopeless Kuno-baby." Nabiki sighed.
"Squee." P-Chan nodded his agreement.
Ryoga walked behind Nabiki on their way back to the Tendo training hall. "So . . ." he said. "Since I was chased out of the hiding place, and I didn't try to escape . . . you're not going to kiss me right?" Ryoga asked hopefully.
Nabiki didn't turn to face him, but he could hear the smile in her voice. "Is that disappointment in your voice? I think it is Ryoga-sweetie . . ."
"Sweetie?" Ryoga asked. "That's not true, I'm not disappointed, I'm eh . . . Oh I'm just curious because eh . . ." 'If I tell her I don't want a kiss she'll kiss me . . . but if I tell her I do want a kiss she'll kiss me . . . and Akane and Ranma are walking right behind us . . . and . . . I know!' "I don't really care one way or the other."
"Well that's okay." Nabiki said. "You were a good boy for the rest of the day weren't you? And I told you that if you were a good boy I'd give you a nice big kiss."
Ryoga frowned. "You changed your mind though."
"No." Nabiki laughed. "I just added onto the deal by saying that I'd kiss you if you were bad, but I never said I wouldn't still kiss you if you were good. Get it?"
"No. But . . ." Ryoga frowned, "hey . . . I tell you what . . . how about if you don't kiss me, I'll give you the money I managed to save up lately?"
"It sounds fair." Nabiki said. Ryoga handed her the money, which she took and counted, never once looking back at him. "Not enough . . . but I'll let you slide."
Ryoga followed her a few more paces. Then he had a thought. "Eh . . . Nabiki . . . when you were challenging Kuno and Azusa . . ."
"What about it?" Nabiki said sharply.
"Well . . . I was just curious, did you mean what you said?"
"About you being mine? Yes! Yes I meant it, you're my slave remember? It wasn't like I was
thinking of you as my boyfriend or anything like that! Just as my slave, which you are, and not as my boyfriend, which you are not."
"Uh . . . I was just going to ask if you really *could* break every bone in her hand but . . . well I can see your distracted. But that's okay . . ." Ryoga couldn't see her face but he sensed the embarrassed yet outraged look that must be covering it now. To add to the blow he ended his sentence with " . . . sweetie."
"What's that? Wanna see me break every bone in your hand? If you insist!" Nabiki cried, grabbing Ryoga's hand.
"SEE! They ARE holding hands!" Akane cried from behind them. Nabiki and Ryoga turned back and looked at Akane and Ranma who both sweat dropped then dove for cover. Ukyo was with them but she just shrugged as if in apology, then Akane grabbed her and pulled her behind a light post as if it were sufficient cover for the both of them.
"Do they really think we don't know they're back there?" Nabiki asked, quickly pulling her arm away from Ryoga.
"So . . ." Phil sighed. "Who are the newest contestants?"
"Eh . . . we've got a girl named Azusa and her dog Mercedes. But they're late."
"Cancel em."
"We cant, the girl's father sponsors us."
Phil sighed. He hadn't seen really funny pets since the humane society sued him and forced him to make sure none of the animals were harmed. Though seeing Betty the Python eat Crackers the Great Dane had been hilarious! Sad and tragic, but hilarious! He'd come to Japan in hopes of finding pets who'd be really funny AND kick major tail–if you will–in a place out of reach of the oppressive land of 'freedom' that he hailed from. "Why did I ever move away from Canada?" He sighed. "Okay skip over them and then put them at the front of the line when they show up. Who's next?"
The assistant checked his clipboard. "Eh . . . a girl named Akari Unryu-"
"A girl? She cute?" Phil demanded.
"Sort of. I really don't go for young girls."
"She's young?" Phil asked, disapointed.
"Maybe fifteen or sixteen."
"Send her in." Phil commanded.
"Hello!" The girl said. "I'm here to audition with my pet Sumo Wrestling Pig!"
"Excuse me?" Phil asked. "Sumo Wrestling Pig? What the heck is that?"
"Oh, his name is Katsunishiki!"
"I didn't ask for his name!" Phil cried. "What the heck is a sumo pig?"
"Katsunishiki is a sumo pig!" The girl said.
"Just show me the stinkin' animal!" Phil growled. This girl was only slightly cute, he was now impatient.
"Katsunishiki!" The girl called.
There was a rumbling sound and a huge pig came in. It gave Phil a hateful glance.
"What does it do?" Phil asked, trying not to show how amazed he was at the pig's size.
"He does sumo!"
"Well as stupid as that does sound, I don't think we'd be able to display that considering our lack of sumo-wrestling pigs on the show so . . . eh just go on home. Don't call us, we'll call you."
"But I need to get on this show!" Akari pleaded. "I need the money to feed my piggies!"
The huge pig lunged forward and ate Phil's assistant.
"HOLY MOTHER OF MONEY! Okay, okay! Just get Joe out of that thing's mouth! I can't afford another lawsuit and if that thing kills him his wife will sue me again! And this time she'll have a good excuse!"
"Spit him out Katsunishiki!" Akari said.
The pig gave her a sad look.
"You didn't swallow did you?" Akari demanded.
The pig shrugged.
"Barf him up Katsunishiki!" Akari cried. "Before he runs out of air!"
BWARF!
"You cannot imagine the things that I've seen!" Joe cried. "Boss don't let that thing near me again!"
"If your pig can do that again during the show you might just win." Phil noted. "Don't worry Joe, we'll get you an anti-stomach-acid suit and some scuba gear." Joe hung his head in grief.
"Oh thank you! I hope to see you again Mr. Satyr!"
"Yeah sure." Phil sighed. "I hope ta see more 'o you too . . . 'nekkid that is." He thought out loud.
"What?" Akari asked.
Katsunishiki glared at Phil.
"Did I say that out loud?" Phil asked.
"Yep." Joe said.
"Um . . . hey Nabiki . . . when do we have to show up for those auditions?" Ryoga asked.
"Today." Nabiki said. "But you ditched me, remember?"
"Well . . . if you wanna try out . . . I mean I'm not too crazy about it but, I mean I do sort of owe you." Ryoga said softly. "I mean for saving me from Azusa."
"Good. Because y'know what direction-less wonder?" Nabiki turned on him with a smile. "I've already led us to the studio."
"You're good." Ryoga frowned. "Very good."
"I'm just smarter than you." Nabiki stated it as if it were the simplest fact. "But yes, I'm good too."
Ryoga sighed as Nabiki led him into the studio. They passed Soun and Genma and paused.
"Daddy?" Nabiki asked.
'What are they doing here?' Ryoga wondered.
"Oh we're just leaving Nabiki." Soun said. "We eh . . . came in to use the bathroom, you know your uncle Saotome has a bladder the size of a walnut."
"Hey!"
"Anyway, we're out of here, bye!" Soun cried.
"Wait a minute!" Nabiki cried. "You two better not have been up to what I think you two were up to!" She growled. "I KNEW there was a good reason for Genma refusing me!" Nabiki snarled. She glared at Ryoga. "If you mess up I'll do more than kiss you. Y'know what I mean Ryoga-baby?" She asked winking.
"Not really . . . wait . . . you mean . . . GOD, NO!" Ryoga cried. "I'll get it right I swear!"
"Where is mean girl's Charlotte?" Azusa demanded. She and a muzzled Mercedes looked as if they had run a thousand miles over a bed of nails.
"He'll be here!" Ryoga said.
"Mean girl will see real talent when Azusa and Mercedes audition!"
"It's not a talent show, it's just a stupid game show to see how stupid our pets are!" Nabiki spat.
"Azusa doesn't care! Azusa and Mercedes will win this game and then Azusa will take Charlotte home!"
"C'mon Ryoga." Nabiki said. "Let's go get P-Chan."
"Eh . . . sure." Ryoga frowned. "Where's the nearest water fountain?"
They wondered around for a few minutes. They couldn't find anything. "Okay, Nabiki Tendo and P-Chan!" Some one shouted.
"I need you to transform NOW!" Nabiki commanded Ryoga.
"It's not like I can do it on command!" Ryoga protested.
"Hiya!" Ranma waved. He threw a water balloon at Ryoga who transformed into P-Chan.
"Where the heck did you get that?" Nabiki demanded. "Who cares, let's go Ryoga."
"BUKEE!" 'Darn it!'
"Good luck you two!" Ranma called after them. "If ya win I want a third!"
'How the heck did he know we were trying to win this contest? Oh yeah, he and Akane followed us . . . OH NO! Akane!' Ryoga thought.
"Azusa and Mercedes don't even have to audition!" Azusa said. "Azusa was so good that she got on the show just when she showed up."
"C'mon P-Chan, if Azusa and Mercedes can do it we can do it! And if dad and Genma got on the show we CANT let them outdo us!" Nabiki dragged Ryoga into the audition room.
There were two men inside. Both looked as if they'd been eaten alive and then thrown up.
"Okay, what's your pet's stupid . . . eh . . . thing." A man asked.
"My pet is incredibly stupid." Nabiki said. "He does tricks!"
'Not well.' Ryoga thought.
"Behold! P-Chan, roll over."
Ryoga did so. He wished for a middle finger more than anything he'd ever wished for before.
"Now, P-Chan, sing."
"K-KEE! K-KEE! SQUEE! SQUEE! K-KEE! K-KEE!" 'Stupid! You're so stupid! I can call you that and you won't even know! Stupid!'
"Make it stop!" The host cried.
"Enough, P-Chan. Now . . . P-Chan . . . DANCE!" Nabiki commanded.
'I love to hate you Nabiki.' Ryoga thought. 'I ought to make you dance one of these days. A pair of six shooters ought to do it.' Ryoga began dancing as a piglet. However he messed up almost immediately. As he tried to spin around on his head he went spinning right into the assistant who doubled over and fell onto him.
"Excellent!" The host laughed. "This is the second pig to attack Joe today!"
"Does that mean we made it?" Nabiki asked excitedly.
"What? No of course not." The host shrugged. "I just think it's cool that your pig attacked Joe!"
"Darn it!" Nabiki cried. Just then Mercedes came to the rescue, breaking through the door it attacked P-Chan right away.
Ryoga and the dog chased each other around for a while, and then finally Ryoga turned and lunged forward, hitting the dog head on in a skull bash. The dog fell over. Ryoga laughed wickedly in pig-tongue. "Oinky! Oinky! Oinky!" Ryoga snickered. 'That ought to teach you to attack me! I AM the KING!'
"Hmm . . . an ass kicking piglet . . . to face off with that sumo pig!" the host snickered. "Don't call us, we'll call you!"
Nabiki scowled at P-Chan and picked him up. "You better hope we get onto the show." She said when they were out of the building.
'Believe me, considering what happens if we don't, I am gonna pray tonight!' Ryoga thought.
To Be Continued . . .
Next Chapter . . .
Akane got no end of satisfaction knowing that Ryoga had found a nice girlfriend who didn't raise giant pigs and that her sister wouldn't end up marrying some one who needed to ask a puppet for advice on how to live his life.
Ranma said that she was getting carried away. Oh well. He didn't understand love! That much was certain. Ranma had told her that soon, very soon she'd see that he was right and that Nabiki and Ryoga really weren't in love, but Akane knew she'd prove *him* wrong.