Disclaimer: I do not own Ranma ½, I do not own these characters (I love 'em, but I don't own 'em) I do NOT own Charlotte's Web, the book or animated movie, which have so little to do with the fic. I do not own Phil Satyr, the host of WPDDC, however he is a fictional character. and I don't own . . . no wait, that's it for now.
Charlotte's Web
Chapter 8
Knock on Wood, Knock Wood Down!
Setting: Nabiki and Ryoga await the word from When Pets do Dumb Crap (from now on let's call it WPDDC) Soun Train and The G Spot avoid a wrathful Nabiki, the ninjas are due to show up for revenge next morning and other than that everything is pretty normal at the Tendo home . . . except when you consider that Ranma keeps turning into a girl and his dad turns into a panda, but hey, for the Tendo home, that has indeed become normal.
"Good morning Ryoga!" Kasumi said happily. "Sleep in the closet again?"
"Yes." Ryoga said, not having to lie this time. "The pillow was lovely, lumpy, but lovely. Thank you Kasumi."
"I didn't put the pillows in yet . . ." Kasumi said frowning.
"Quack!" Mousse the duck said as it waddled out of the closet Ryoga had slept in.
Ryoga frowned. "I thought it was a little rough."
"Good morning everyone!" Akane said, coming downstairs.
"Good morning Akane!" Kasumi said happily. "Can you go wake Nabiki?"
"Why don't you send Ryoga?" Akane said with a wicked smile.
'Oh boy. Here we go.' Ryoga sighed. Akane still thought there was something going on between him and Nabiki. Unfortunately she wasn't angry about it at all! She was encouraging! Unless . . . unless she was being torn up inside and *had* to smile or she'd cry at the thought of never being with Ryoga, which is how he felt about her and Ranma . . . could it be? It had to be so.
Oh how wonderful and terrible at the same time! Curse and praise you fates, curse and praise you!
"Can you go tell Nabiki to wake up?" Kasumi asked.
"I'll eh . . . get lost." Ryoga said. Actually he was sort of hoping to escape. Every day he thought about going onto that show, he got less and less zealous. Another week until it aired, they were expecting the letter any day.
"Nonsense, hers is the only room without a door. Just look at it and walk towards it." Akane said.
"Yeah, jez go on towards it, we'll tell ya if ya make a wrong turn." Ranma teased. "G'on, sleeping beauty awaits yer kiss."
"Watch it Ranma, she's a master of the "Your Crotch + Her Shoe" style of martial arts." Ryoga growled at Ranma who emerged from his sleeping nook.
Everyone except Kasumi laughed because Nabiki had spread that story around like wild fire. Despite being told, Kasumi didn't find it amusing, she just stared blankly with a smile.
Ryoga took a deep breath, and tried to walk for the exit. 'With my sense of direction, they will never know I'm trying to escape!' he thought. As he came closer and closer to it he accelerated his speed. Then he tripped over the bed and woke Nabiki up.
"WHA!"
"YOUCH!"
'Curse my sense of direction! I was looking right at the door!' Ryoga thought. 'Curse you fate, you're teasing me!'
From some far off corner of the spirit world, the spirit of life smiled and shrugged. "So what if I am? There is nothing thou can do about it wussy-boy!" He shouted, much to the chagrin of the other spirits.
It took Nabiki a few seconds to collect her marbles and figure out where she was, what she was doing, who she was with, whether or not she was hungry and if there was any money in the immediate area.
C\BRAIN . . .
C\BRAIN RUN . . .
RUN BRAIN RUN . . .
RUN FASTER YOU LAZY PIECE OF JUNK!
Oh! Okay, Nabiki came to the solid and almost complete certainty that she was in her room, she was waking up, she was with Ryoga, she was hungry, and there was a large amount of money nearby, but it was hers. Ryoga was lying on the bed across her legs with a dazed look in his eyes and a bump on his head.
There was, incidentally, a barely noticeable dent the size of Ryoga's head in the wall. But as I've said, it was barely noticeable.
"What are you doing in my room? Get out of here you pervert! Out! Out now or I'll tell Akane you're in love with her! Out I say!" Nabiki growled.
"My head! Ouch! I wasn't trying to come in here, I was eh . . . going for the bathroom, yeah that's it."
"Why I ought ta-you're trying to kill me in my sleep!" Nabiki accused. She felt sleepy again.
"No I swear! I was running for the front door and I ended up here!"
"Why you son of a-I'll break your neck!" Nabiki lunged for Ryoga and wrapped her hands around his neck. She fell asleep mid-strangle and just ended up hugging him.
"Oh how sweet!" Kasumi enthused from the hallway.
"AAHHH!" Nabiki woke up. She glared at Ryoga, glared at Kasumi then glared at Ryoga again.
"Come down stairs you two, breakfast is ready!" Kasumi said happily.
"What's taking them so long?" Ranma shouted.
"They're just giving each other a good morning hug!" Kasumi called back. "The'll be there in a minute."
"KASUMI I'LL . . ." Nabiki reconsidered. There really wasn't anything she could do to Kasumi. If anything did happen, she'd have to eat Akane's cooking for another half-a school year. "I'll be right down."
"Splendid!" Kasumi said happily. Nabiki considered throwing Ryoga at her, but contained her rage. It was time to recover her composure and be the calm, collected moneymaking goddess she was when she wasn't just waking up. She slapped Ryoga because it made her feel better about herself, then shook her head slowly, getting out of bed. "You need to fix my door Ryoga-baby."
She said calmly.
"Strange . . ." Ryoga mumbled.
"What?" Nabiki demanded.
"There is a big dent in your wall, where did that come from?" Ryoga asked.
"My boyfriend showed up last night and we made out." Nabiki lied. "Got a little wild."
"Wow! And I didn't hear a thing!" Ryoga said, obviously trying to look enthusiastic but looking instead extremely uncomfortable.
"We pressed the 'mute' button, honey." Nabiki yawned. Ryoga, for some reason accepted that as fact. "Anyway, you are going to have to get me a new door today after school."
"Like fun I am." Ryoga mumbled. "Wait, if I get your new door I have to be outside right? Okay, I'll do it!"
"Good. I'll go with you." Nabiki said calmly. "Don't want you getting lost."
"Darn it!" Ryoga sighed.
"Some of us wanna *eat* our breakfast, ya sick love birds!" Ranma shouted.
Nabiki would kick him again when he least expected it. It didn't bother her, being accused of being Ryoga's girlfriend, because when their contract was up she could say that she'd dumped him and look really cool since a lot of girls in her class were already asking her if she'd 'rent' him out. In fact Nabiki was considering doing just that.
Until recently. She needed him around for that show, if he went out on a date with another girl, while she may well be paid for it, he might not come back.
"Hurry up an get down 'ere!" Ranma shouted, shattering Nabiki's chain of thought. Oh yes, she'd kick him all right. She'd kick him and then she'd steal his wallet, oh happy fantasies, so sweet to the waking mind. Better yet, she'd have Ryoga duel him again, and make sure Ryoga won! Now how could she accomplish *that* if Ryoga always lost? Maybe she could drug Ranma . . .
Akane got no end of satisfaction knowing that Ryoga had found a nice girl friend who didn't raise giant pigs and that her sister wouldn't end up marrying some one who needed to ask a puppet for advice on how to live his life.
Ranma said that she was getting carried away. Oh well. He didn't understand love! That much was certain. Ranma had told her that soon, very soon she'd see that he was right and that Nabiki and Ryoga really weren't in love, but Akane knew she'd prove *him* wrong.
She followed them to school, and she followed them back. This time Nabiki did set Ryoga on Ranma, and she collected bets . . . she ended up betting on Ryoga, who lost. Nabiki would never overestimate Ryoga's chances for winning unless she was blinded by love! Yes, indeed Akane was pleased with her intelligence and stealth abilities.
She, like Azusa, was oblivious to several details of course.
Ranma on the other hand held no illusions about Ryoga and Nabiki. And he wouldn't have cared if they were together, after all it was their business, not his. On the other hand Akane had become obsessed with dragging him around with her, waiting for Nabiki and Ryoga to kiss again, hoping that she could prove him wrong and he was tired of it. He had other things to do, watching a girl bully his greatest rival, while amusing at first was getting old fast.
But when Nabiki kicked him, *that* he simply would not stand for. No, she would pay dearly, she'd made a fool of him, and she hadn't even declared a real match. It was her inadequacy at martial arts that saved her from his challenge.
But he'd get back at her all the same. A hot water balloon, a little practice on aim, and front row seats for him and Akane at the When Pets Do Dumb Crap show would assure that. He'd promised a date to Kodachi if she could use her immense wealth to pull strings to ensure that Nabiki would get on the show, a debt that Ranma had no intention of paying of course.
He'd kill three birds with one stone. He'd make Nabiki and Ryoga lose to competition, get back at Nabiki for kicking him, and he'd finally show Akane that Ryoga and P-Chan were one in the same. Not that he didn't mind lying to her, it'd just be so much cooler to see how smart she thought she was when she learned the horrible truth.
Phil Satyr was quite annoyed when a young girl showed up with a long ribbon, threatening his life if he didn't do exactly what she said. There were only three types of women he allowed to boss him around. Women who paid his salary, any of his six ex-wives, and women who carried pizzas, and this woman was none of the three.
But the way she beat the snot out of Joe just for asking for her name certainly made Phil willing to flex on that. "Oh certainly, anything you say."
"Hearken to me peasant! You will ensure that Nabiki Tendo and P-Chan are allowed on the show!"
"Hearken? What the heck? I mean, yeah sure." *Who were they again?*
"And you will make sure that they are a stone's throw from the front audience lines!"
"Of course." *We have audience lines?*
"And you will tell no one that I was here!"
*Of course, I wont tell a soul!* "Does that suit come off?"
"WHAT!?"
*What did I say?* "Man she'd look good in a rubber band."
"Cretin!" The woman screeched.
"Was I saying what I was supposed to think, and thinking what I was supposed to say again?" Phil sighed.
"Yep." Joe frowned. "Tuck yer head between yer legs boss, better kiss your tail goodbye."
"For the last time, Joe, I'm not kissing my own ass!" Phil shouted.
"DIE PEASANTS!"
Ryoga was amazed at the selection of doors. He was even more amazed at the prices because Nabiki had made it clear that he would be paying for it out of his own money. He really should have expected that from her.
Of course none of the doors looked like hers had, he couldn't just buy any door, it had to fit the house, what about resale value? If he couldn't find a door that looked like Nabiki's had . . . eh . . . were was Nabiki?
Nabiki was inspecting various doors as well. Every now and then she'd mutter a side comment to Ryoga, whom she assumed was right behind her. Of course when she discovered he wasn't fires burned in her eyes and she began searching for him, intent on killing him if necessary.
That's when the day got interesting. She ran into a tall young man, well dressed with wavy hair, looked like an attractive version of Kuno. "What do you want, Kinnosuke?" Nabiki demanded, trying to look over his shoulder for Ryoga but he was too tall.
"Hmm? Didn't see you there. Say, where's that boy who follows you around?"
"'Ats what I wanna know." Nabiki slurred.
"He deserted you? Oh what a shame. Why don't we get something to eat, you can tell me all about it."
"You're that eager to pay my bill, Kinnosuke?" Nabiki scoffed.
"We'll see who pays whose bill." Kinnosuke said calmly. She completely forgot about Ryoga and the door.
"No! No! No!" Akane snapped. "That's not right, not right at all, he's not Ryoga!" She scoffed.
"I told ya! I said ya was reading to much inta one kiss, I told ya it looked like an accident." Ranma scoffed. "So what if yer sister would rather date some thorough bred than that mutt Ryoga?"
"Mutt?" Ryoga scoffed. "You're one to talk you sex switching jerk."
"Ryoga?" Ranma and Akane gasped.
"Who else?" The lost boy shrugged.
"Oh, Ryoga, why don't the three of us go and eh . . . do something far away from any restaurant?" Akane offered. The last thing she needed was for Ryoga to see Nabiki going out with that guy, that'd just ruin the romance novel forming in her head. Wait! No it'd make it even better! No! No! She couldn't do that to poor Ryoga. She'd have to confront Nabiki later.
"What'cha gonna protect him for?" Ranma scoffed. "He knows where she's going! And he don't even care, right Ryoga? Buddy?"
"Huh? Who? Where? Buddy?" Ryoga looked confused. "Are you guys talking to me?"
"Nabiki ditched ya man." Ranma said casually. How heartless of him.
"Really? Oh thank heavens, I thought I'd lost her." Ryoga shook his head. Oh how loyal he was, Akane decided. Too naive to know the truth! Too innocent, too-"Hey, there she is. Oh, hey she's with some one. Excellent! This is my chance to escape!"
After getting something to eat, thoroughly picking Kinnosuke's pocket and leaving him to pick up the tab, Nabiki felt once again, that she was the MASTER. Or mistress, whichever. She came home because she suspected Ryoga was a lost cause. The last thing she expected when she got home was Ryoga to be standing by the door with Akane and Ranma.
"Oh, you found him, thanks Akane." Nabiki said cheerfully.
"Oh I found him alright! And you've got some explaining to do!"
"What?" Nabiki shrugged. "What'd I do now? Hey, Ryoga-baby you got the door right?"
"Yeah." Ryoga said. "I had to put it on myself though."
"Great-now I don't trust it!" Nabiki scoffed.
"Hey!" Akane protested. "Don't you wanna know why we're all mad at you?"
"I'm not mad." Ranma said.
"I'm not sure why were mad at her." Ryoga said.
"I'm not really interested." Nabiki said.
"You ditched Ryoga and ran off with Kinnosuke!" Akane cried.
"He didn't seem to really mind." Ranma said. "He took off jumping for joy, shouting that he'd finally escaped." He added.
"And I would have gotten away with it if it weren't for you meddling kids!" Ryoga said in a criminal voice.
Nabiki sighed. "Akane, you're a little confused. There's nothing going on between Ryoga and me." She said calmly. "And nothing between me and Kinnosuke for that matter. I don't know why your envisioning my romance life as some novel when yours is so upside down, but I'd mind my own business if I were you. Now if you don't mind, I should really be getting inside, if you'll excuse me-"
"We can talk about this out here, or inside with daddy and Kasumi!"
"She's bluffing!" Ranma cried. "Kasumi knows nothing and Soun aint here!"
"SILENCE RANMA!" Akane snapped. She boxed his ear.
"Uh, actually can we please go inside? It looks like it's about to rain." Ryoga said.
"Yed jez hate that, wouldn't ya 'Charlotte'!" Ranma scoffed.
Nabiki sighed. "Okay, okay. Ryoga and I have been dating in secret, we're very much in love and expecting our first child this summer. You are a wonderful detective Akane, now let me in before some one from the restaurant recognizes me!"
"What? Our first child!? Hey how'd that-" Nabiki covered Ryoga's mouth before he could give anything away. She wanted to see how long it'd take Akane to figure out she had been lying.
"That's so great-hey! Summer is only a few months away and you don't *look* pregnant Nabiki!"
Akane accused. "You're lying to me!"
"See? I told you you were a wonderful detective. Now step aside shrimp, Ryoga, come with me." Nabiki scowled.
"And where are *you* two going!?" Akane demanded.
"Akane, you're no good at playing the mother/sister, leave that to Kasumi. Go make out with Ranma." Nabiki added with a sly grin. Akane's eyes went red with blood lust, she fumed and Ranma ran inside the house. Akane jumped into the air screaming a battle cry of some sort that sounded like a turkey being strangled to death. Nabiki grabbed Ryoga's hand and ran through the now unblocked door. "Ryoga-baby, we better start running."
"I'LL KILL YOU! ME? MAKE OUT WITH RANMA? HOW DARE YOU!"
Ryoga was all but dragged by Nabiki as they ran into the dojo. Using some training equipment to bar the door Nabiki shook her fist triumphantly. "Beat it you Kasumi wannabe!"
"What she did really wasn't that bad." Ryoga observed. "After all, she was just trying to . . . actually, what was she trying to accomplish?"
"Good question." Nabiki scoffed. "But I'll tell you what I want to accomplish." She added. She held up a canteen, Ryoga frowned.
"Oh no."
"Hey, if we make it to that show we might as well be ready for it. Now, dance my piggy dance!"
"Can I do it without the Afro?"
"You'll dance with an afro, medallion, platforms and a white outfit I had Kasumi sew for you."
"Oh you're good." Ryoga grudgingly admitted.
"I know." Nabiki said calmly.
"Waste of time if we don't even get on the show though." Ryoga said calmly.
"Oh we will." Nabiki grinned. "Trust me, Azusa said she'd make sure, she wants her Charlotte after all."
Phil Satyr growled with frustration when five guys in black jumped through the hole that chick had left in his roof.
"You are to ensure that Nabiki Tendo and P-Chan get on the show!" One of them announced. "By order of Azusa!"
"Who-sue-sa?" Phil demanded. "If you cant tell, I'm a very busy man, leave me alone."
"We just got our butts kicked by a very angry lady because the boss here is a sick womanizer who cant keep his thoughts quiet."
"Shut up yer mouth Joe!"
Tofu sat at his desk thinking about Kasumi. Oh the dirty thoughts that played through his perverted mind, oh that sick mo'fo. How dare he even think of beautiful Kasu-eh I mean Tofu sat at his desk thinking about Kasumi.
"So beautiful, so quiet and kind. Oh Kasumi, if only I could build up the courage to tell you how I feel . . ."
"Hey!" The chainsaw in the corner of the room said. "I can help you tell her."
"Huh?" Tofu frowned. The chainsaw was talking to him? He was insane obviously. And yet realizing that he wasn't sane made him sane correct? Correct!? He couldn't be insane, Kasumi would never want an insane chiropractor!
"I can give you the confidence to tell Kasumi how you feel. All you have to do is pick me up and cut things up with me. Vrrooom vrrrooom! I love to hack and slash! You can wear the mask Kasumi gave you in issue one and cut things up! Nothing builds self esteem like chopping up innocent trees and hacking apart people you don't like!"
"What a wonderful idea!" Tofu cried. "I will do that! You are correct, what an intelligent chainsaw you are!"
Panda Genma frowned and held up a sign: Eh . . . Who are you talking to?
Hmm . . . what a strange smell . . . like roses only different.
"So wazzap with you and this 'Kinnosuke' guy?" Ryoga asked. "And why am I supposed to be angry?"
"You're not. There is nothing going on between him and me, we just have this sort of rivalry." Nabiki said calmly. "Don't worry about it." She yawned. "Unless you're jealous of him."
"What? Why should I be jealous? He owe you more money than I do?" Ryoga teased.
"No one owes me as much money as you do." Nabiki winked.
"Speaking of which, I can pay you back now, I don't have to be your slave!"
"Excellent." Nabiki said calmly. "So . . . you have the one hundred thousand yen?"
"What!? It wasn't *that* much, I remember!" Ryoga protested.
Nabiki grinned wickedly. "It is known as Interest, Ryoga-baby." She said. "I let you slide on the usual three hundred percent just because you're you, but I still expect full payment. It's in our contract if you wanna check." She said, handing him the contract.
"Oh you're good." Ryoga shook his head.
"Thank you, I've worked hard to become so. It's okay. Now, I have this great idea. What we're going to do is sneak out of the house, so Akane doesn't kill us. I've got a couple of places I need to go today, and since I cant leave you
alone for five seconds before my baby sister thinks I'm cheating on you, you're coming along for the walk."
"Cheers." Ryoga yawned.
"Here is the plan," Nabiki was explaining something to Ryoga, who was falling asleep and not listening at all. Gee the floor sure was comfortable . . . sleepy sleepy sleepy . . .
"Ryoga!" Nabiki snapped. "This is no time for a nap!"
"Huh?" Ryoga woke (a little) "What is it?"
"I need you to pay attention Ryoga! This plan won't work if you don't know it!"
"Plan? We're making a plan?" Ryoga frowned.
"That's my point!" Nabiki said, shaking a scolding finger at him. "You need to pay attention!"
"Okay, start from the top." Ryoga reasoned. But he was already falling asleep again. Why was he so tired?
"Okay okay. First of all we . . . and then . . . and when that's done . . . it'll be a piece of cake! You got that Ryoga?"
"Yes. Just one question. What exactly are we doing boss?"
"Were going to . . . HEY! WAKE UP!"
"Oops! Eh . . . what are we doing?"
"Forget it!" Nabiki scoffed. "Now I'm getting sleepy."
Ryoga laughed wickedly. "It's not even dark out and we're falling asleep."
"Your boring company." Nabiki yawned.
"Eh . . . hey Nabiki . . . when did Kasumi say those ninjas were gonna show up and kill us?"
"Mm? Saturday I think."
"What day is today?"
"Friday?" Nabiki offered. "I'm not sure . . . did I go to school today?"
"Eh . . ."
"No matter. I'm going to take a quick nap, then we can worry about those stupid ninjas." Nabiki yawned. She made a half-asked attempt to crawl into bed.
"Eh . . . okay . . . do you have an extra pillow?" Ryoga asked, falling asleep already.
"Go sleep in the closet!" Nabiki scoffed, struggling to get into her bed, which seemed to have become her Mt. Everest.
"Never…mind…zzzz" Ryoga mumbled. Then to his unhappy shock, someone poured cold water all over him. "WHA? ERNK!"
Nabiki yawned. "G'night P-Chan."
'What'd she transform me for? She's got a mean streak as long as my arm! Hey! I'm not sleepy anymore!' Ryoga thought.
That's when the window was smashed open, Nabiki was fast asleep, she didn't notice. Two men in black slipped in.
"Well?" One of them demanded. "You're sure the gas wouldn't harm the pig?"
"It's designed to put humans to sleep!" The other guy said. "The pig should be fine. Now lets . . . ho-ho, weren't there two of them in here?"
"No matter, if you've done your job everyone should be asleep by now!"
"Hey, I done my job bucko!" The second ninja snapped.
'Whao! This isn't good!' Ryoga thought.
"Eh . . . Todd . . ."
"What?"
"Were we supposed to wear gas masks?"
". . . yes." Todd said with a frown.
'Idiots.' Ryoga thought. The two ninjas fell over each other, fast asleep. Ryoga leapt into Nabiki's bed. Had to wake her up . . . but how? 'I know!' Ryoga though. He backed up to the edge of the bed, then got a running start and slammed right into the girl's forehead.
She didn't wake up, but her arm flung out and crushed the poor little piglet that was trying to save her life. 'Aww crap.' Ryoga thought.
To Be Continued . . .
Next Chapter . . .
Ryoga frowned at her, and said "Nabiki, this doesn't look like the living room." He said. "And that doesn't look like the couch."
"Really? I must have gotten lost. You're rubbing off on me." Nabiki grinned wickedly.
"In fact, I'm no expert, but I'd say this is your bed room."
"Is it?" Nabiki asked, closing the door behind her.
"Yeah, I'm pretty sure it is!" Ryoga said, oblivious to the danger.
Charlotte's Web
Chapter 8
Knock on Wood, Knock Wood Down!
Setting: Nabiki and Ryoga await the word from When Pets do Dumb Crap (from now on let's call it WPDDC) Soun Train and The G Spot avoid a wrathful Nabiki, the ninjas are due to show up for revenge next morning and other than that everything is pretty normal at the Tendo home . . . except when you consider that Ranma keeps turning into a girl and his dad turns into a panda, but hey, for the Tendo home, that has indeed become normal.
"Good morning Ryoga!" Kasumi said happily. "Sleep in the closet again?"
"Yes." Ryoga said, not having to lie this time. "The pillow was lovely, lumpy, but lovely. Thank you Kasumi."
"I didn't put the pillows in yet . . ." Kasumi said frowning.
"Quack!" Mousse the duck said as it waddled out of the closet Ryoga had slept in.
Ryoga frowned. "I thought it was a little rough."
"Good morning everyone!" Akane said, coming downstairs.
"Good morning Akane!" Kasumi said happily. "Can you go wake Nabiki?"
"Why don't you send Ryoga?" Akane said with a wicked smile.
'Oh boy. Here we go.' Ryoga sighed. Akane still thought there was something going on between him and Nabiki. Unfortunately she wasn't angry about it at all! She was encouraging! Unless . . . unless she was being torn up inside and *had* to smile or she'd cry at the thought of never being with Ryoga, which is how he felt about her and Ranma . . . could it be? It had to be so.
Oh how wonderful and terrible at the same time! Curse and praise you fates, curse and praise you!
"Can you go tell Nabiki to wake up?" Kasumi asked.
"I'll eh . . . get lost." Ryoga said. Actually he was sort of hoping to escape. Every day he thought about going onto that show, he got less and less zealous. Another week until it aired, they were expecting the letter any day.
"Nonsense, hers is the only room without a door. Just look at it and walk towards it." Akane said.
"Yeah, jez go on towards it, we'll tell ya if ya make a wrong turn." Ranma teased. "G'on, sleeping beauty awaits yer kiss."
"Watch it Ranma, she's a master of the "Your Crotch + Her Shoe" style of martial arts." Ryoga growled at Ranma who emerged from his sleeping nook.
Everyone except Kasumi laughed because Nabiki had spread that story around like wild fire. Despite being told, Kasumi didn't find it amusing, she just stared blankly with a smile.
Ryoga took a deep breath, and tried to walk for the exit. 'With my sense of direction, they will never know I'm trying to escape!' he thought. As he came closer and closer to it he accelerated his speed. Then he tripped over the bed and woke Nabiki up.
"WHA!"
"YOUCH!"
'Curse my sense of direction! I was looking right at the door!' Ryoga thought. 'Curse you fate, you're teasing me!'
From some far off corner of the spirit world, the spirit of life smiled and shrugged. "So what if I am? There is nothing thou can do about it wussy-boy!" He shouted, much to the chagrin of the other spirits.
It took Nabiki a few seconds to collect her marbles and figure out where she was, what she was doing, who she was with, whether or not she was hungry and if there was any money in the immediate area.
C\BRAIN . . .
C\BRAIN RUN . . .
RUN BRAIN RUN . . .
RUN FASTER YOU LAZY PIECE OF JUNK!
Oh! Okay, Nabiki came to the solid and almost complete certainty that she was in her room, she was waking up, she was with Ryoga, she was hungry, and there was a large amount of money nearby, but it was hers. Ryoga was lying on the bed across her legs with a dazed look in his eyes and a bump on his head.
There was, incidentally, a barely noticeable dent the size of Ryoga's head in the wall. But as I've said, it was barely noticeable.
"What are you doing in my room? Get out of here you pervert! Out! Out now or I'll tell Akane you're in love with her! Out I say!" Nabiki growled.
"My head! Ouch! I wasn't trying to come in here, I was eh . . . going for the bathroom, yeah that's it."
"Why I ought ta-you're trying to kill me in my sleep!" Nabiki accused. She felt sleepy again.
"No I swear! I was running for the front door and I ended up here!"
"Why you son of a-I'll break your neck!" Nabiki lunged for Ryoga and wrapped her hands around his neck. She fell asleep mid-strangle and just ended up hugging him.
"Oh how sweet!" Kasumi enthused from the hallway.
"AAHHH!" Nabiki woke up. She glared at Ryoga, glared at Kasumi then glared at Ryoga again.
"Come down stairs you two, breakfast is ready!" Kasumi said happily.
"What's taking them so long?" Ranma shouted.
"They're just giving each other a good morning hug!" Kasumi called back. "The'll be there in a minute."
"KASUMI I'LL . . ." Nabiki reconsidered. There really wasn't anything she could do to Kasumi. If anything did happen, she'd have to eat Akane's cooking for another half-a school year. "I'll be right down."
"Splendid!" Kasumi said happily. Nabiki considered throwing Ryoga at her, but contained her rage. It was time to recover her composure and be the calm, collected moneymaking goddess she was when she wasn't just waking up. She slapped Ryoga because it made her feel better about herself, then shook her head slowly, getting out of bed. "You need to fix my door Ryoga-baby."
She said calmly.
"Strange . . ." Ryoga mumbled.
"What?" Nabiki demanded.
"There is a big dent in your wall, where did that come from?" Ryoga asked.
"My boyfriend showed up last night and we made out." Nabiki lied. "Got a little wild."
"Wow! And I didn't hear a thing!" Ryoga said, obviously trying to look enthusiastic but looking instead extremely uncomfortable.
"We pressed the 'mute' button, honey." Nabiki yawned. Ryoga, for some reason accepted that as fact. "Anyway, you are going to have to get me a new door today after school."
"Like fun I am." Ryoga mumbled. "Wait, if I get your new door I have to be outside right? Okay, I'll do it!"
"Good. I'll go with you." Nabiki said calmly. "Don't want you getting lost."
"Darn it!" Ryoga sighed.
"Some of us wanna *eat* our breakfast, ya sick love birds!" Ranma shouted.
Nabiki would kick him again when he least expected it. It didn't bother her, being accused of being Ryoga's girlfriend, because when their contract was up she could say that she'd dumped him and look really cool since a lot of girls in her class were already asking her if she'd 'rent' him out. In fact Nabiki was considering doing just that.
Until recently. She needed him around for that show, if he went out on a date with another girl, while she may well be paid for it, he might not come back.
"Hurry up an get down 'ere!" Ranma shouted, shattering Nabiki's chain of thought. Oh yes, she'd kick him all right. She'd kick him and then she'd steal his wallet, oh happy fantasies, so sweet to the waking mind. Better yet, she'd have Ryoga duel him again, and make sure Ryoga won! Now how could she accomplish *that* if Ryoga always lost? Maybe she could drug Ranma . . .
Akane got no end of satisfaction knowing that Ryoga had found a nice girl friend who didn't raise giant pigs and that her sister wouldn't end up marrying some one who needed to ask a puppet for advice on how to live his life.
Ranma said that she was getting carried away. Oh well. He didn't understand love! That much was certain. Ranma had told her that soon, very soon she'd see that he was right and that Nabiki and Ryoga really weren't in love, but Akane knew she'd prove *him* wrong.
She followed them to school, and she followed them back. This time Nabiki did set Ryoga on Ranma, and she collected bets . . . she ended up betting on Ryoga, who lost. Nabiki would never overestimate Ryoga's chances for winning unless she was blinded by love! Yes, indeed Akane was pleased with her intelligence and stealth abilities.
She, like Azusa, was oblivious to several details of course.
Ranma on the other hand held no illusions about Ryoga and Nabiki. And he wouldn't have cared if they were together, after all it was their business, not his. On the other hand Akane had become obsessed with dragging him around with her, waiting for Nabiki and Ryoga to kiss again, hoping that she could prove him wrong and he was tired of it. He had other things to do, watching a girl bully his greatest rival, while amusing at first was getting old fast.
But when Nabiki kicked him, *that* he simply would not stand for. No, she would pay dearly, she'd made a fool of him, and she hadn't even declared a real match. It was her inadequacy at martial arts that saved her from his challenge.
But he'd get back at her all the same. A hot water balloon, a little practice on aim, and front row seats for him and Akane at the When Pets Do Dumb Crap show would assure that. He'd promised a date to Kodachi if she could use her immense wealth to pull strings to ensure that Nabiki would get on the show, a debt that Ranma had no intention of paying of course.
He'd kill three birds with one stone. He'd make Nabiki and Ryoga lose to competition, get back at Nabiki for kicking him, and he'd finally show Akane that Ryoga and P-Chan were one in the same. Not that he didn't mind lying to her, it'd just be so much cooler to see how smart she thought she was when she learned the horrible truth.
Phil Satyr was quite annoyed when a young girl showed up with a long ribbon, threatening his life if he didn't do exactly what she said. There were only three types of women he allowed to boss him around. Women who paid his salary, any of his six ex-wives, and women who carried pizzas, and this woman was none of the three.
But the way she beat the snot out of Joe just for asking for her name certainly made Phil willing to flex on that. "Oh certainly, anything you say."
"Hearken to me peasant! You will ensure that Nabiki Tendo and P-Chan are allowed on the show!"
"Hearken? What the heck? I mean, yeah sure." *Who were they again?*
"And you will make sure that they are a stone's throw from the front audience lines!"
"Of course." *We have audience lines?*
"And you will tell no one that I was here!"
*Of course, I wont tell a soul!* "Does that suit come off?"
"WHAT!?"
*What did I say?* "Man she'd look good in a rubber band."
"Cretin!" The woman screeched.
"Was I saying what I was supposed to think, and thinking what I was supposed to say again?" Phil sighed.
"Yep." Joe frowned. "Tuck yer head between yer legs boss, better kiss your tail goodbye."
"For the last time, Joe, I'm not kissing my own ass!" Phil shouted.
"DIE PEASANTS!"
Ryoga was amazed at the selection of doors. He was even more amazed at the prices because Nabiki had made it clear that he would be paying for it out of his own money. He really should have expected that from her.
Of course none of the doors looked like hers had, he couldn't just buy any door, it had to fit the house, what about resale value? If he couldn't find a door that looked like Nabiki's had . . . eh . . . were was Nabiki?
Nabiki was inspecting various doors as well. Every now and then she'd mutter a side comment to Ryoga, whom she assumed was right behind her. Of course when she discovered he wasn't fires burned in her eyes and she began searching for him, intent on killing him if necessary.
That's when the day got interesting. She ran into a tall young man, well dressed with wavy hair, looked like an attractive version of Kuno. "What do you want, Kinnosuke?" Nabiki demanded, trying to look over his shoulder for Ryoga but he was too tall.
"Hmm? Didn't see you there. Say, where's that boy who follows you around?"
"'Ats what I wanna know." Nabiki slurred.
"He deserted you? Oh what a shame. Why don't we get something to eat, you can tell me all about it."
"You're that eager to pay my bill, Kinnosuke?" Nabiki scoffed.
"We'll see who pays whose bill." Kinnosuke said calmly. She completely forgot about Ryoga and the door.
"No! No! No!" Akane snapped. "That's not right, not right at all, he's not Ryoga!" She scoffed.
"I told ya! I said ya was reading to much inta one kiss, I told ya it looked like an accident." Ranma scoffed. "So what if yer sister would rather date some thorough bred than that mutt Ryoga?"
"Mutt?" Ryoga scoffed. "You're one to talk you sex switching jerk."
"Ryoga?" Ranma and Akane gasped.
"Who else?" The lost boy shrugged.
"Oh, Ryoga, why don't the three of us go and eh . . . do something far away from any restaurant?" Akane offered. The last thing she needed was for Ryoga to see Nabiki going out with that guy, that'd just ruin the romance novel forming in her head. Wait! No it'd make it even better! No! No! She couldn't do that to poor Ryoga. She'd have to confront Nabiki later.
"What'cha gonna protect him for?" Ranma scoffed. "He knows where she's going! And he don't even care, right Ryoga? Buddy?"
"Huh? Who? Where? Buddy?" Ryoga looked confused. "Are you guys talking to me?"
"Nabiki ditched ya man." Ranma said casually. How heartless of him.
"Really? Oh thank heavens, I thought I'd lost her." Ryoga shook his head. Oh how loyal he was, Akane decided. Too naive to know the truth! Too innocent, too-"Hey, there she is. Oh, hey she's with some one. Excellent! This is my chance to escape!"
After getting something to eat, thoroughly picking Kinnosuke's pocket and leaving him to pick up the tab, Nabiki felt once again, that she was the MASTER. Or mistress, whichever. She came home because she suspected Ryoga was a lost cause. The last thing she expected when she got home was Ryoga to be standing by the door with Akane and Ranma.
"Oh, you found him, thanks Akane." Nabiki said cheerfully.
"Oh I found him alright! And you've got some explaining to do!"
"What?" Nabiki shrugged. "What'd I do now? Hey, Ryoga-baby you got the door right?"
"Yeah." Ryoga said. "I had to put it on myself though."
"Great-now I don't trust it!" Nabiki scoffed.
"Hey!" Akane protested. "Don't you wanna know why we're all mad at you?"
"I'm not mad." Ranma said.
"I'm not sure why were mad at her." Ryoga said.
"I'm not really interested." Nabiki said.
"You ditched Ryoga and ran off with Kinnosuke!" Akane cried.
"He didn't seem to really mind." Ranma said. "He took off jumping for joy, shouting that he'd finally escaped." He added.
"And I would have gotten away with it if it weren't for you meddling kids!" Ryoga said in a criminal voice.
Nabiki sighed. "Akane, you're a little confused. There's nothing going on between Ryoga and me." She said calmly. "And nothing between me and Kinnosuke for that matter. I don't know why your envisioning my romance life as some novel when yours is so upside down, but I'd mind my own business if I were you. Now if you don't mind, I should really be getting inside, if you'll excuse me-"
"We can talk about this out here, or inside with daddy and Kasumi!"
"She's bluffing!" Ranma cried. "Kasumi knows nothing and Soun aint here!"
"SILENCE RANMA!" Akane snapped. She boxed his ear.
"Uh, actually can we please go inside? It looks like it's about to rain." Ryoga said.
"Yed jez hate that, wouldn't ya 'Charlotte'!" Ranma scoffed.
Nabiki sighed. "Okay, okay. Ryoga and I have been dating in secret, we're very much in love and expecting our first child this summer. You are a wonderful detective Akane, now let me in before some one from the restaurant recognizes me!"
"What? Our first child!? Hey how'd that-" Nabiki covered Ryoga's mouth before he could give anything away. She wanted to see how long it'd take Akane to figure out she had been lying.
"That's so great-hey! Summer is only a few months away and you don't *look* pregnant Nabiki!"
Akane accused. "You're lying to me!"
"See? I told you you were a wonderful detective. Now step aside shrimp, Ryoga, come with me." Nabiki scowled.
"And where are *you* two going!?" Akane demanded.
"Akane, you're no good at playing the mother/sister, leave that to Kasumi. Go make out with Ranma." Nabiki added with a sly grin. Akane's eyes went red with blood lust, she fumed and Ranma ran inside the house. Akane jumped into the air screaming a battle cry of some sort that sounded like a turkey being strangled to death. Nabiki grabbed Ryoga's hand and ran through the now unblocked door. "Ryoga-baby, we better start running."
"I'LL KILL YOU! ME? MAKE OUT WITH RANMA? HOW DARE YOU!"
Ryoga was all but dragged by Nabiki as they ran into the dojo. Using some training equipment to bar the door Nabiki shook her fist triumphantly. "Beat it you Kasumi wannabe!"
"What she did really wasn't that bad." Ryoga observed. "After all, she was just trying to . . . actually, what was she trying to accomplish?"
"Good question." Nabiki scoffed. "But I'll tell you what I want to accomplish." She added. She held up a canteen, Ryoga frowned.
"Oh no."
"Hey, if we make it to that show we might as well be ready for it. Now, dance my piggy dance!"
"Can I do it without the Afro?"
"You'll dance with an afro, medallion, platforms and a white outfit I had Kasumi sew for you."
"Oh you're good." Ryoga grudgingly admitted.
"I know." Nabiki said calmly.
"Waste of time if we don't even get on the show though." Ryoga said calmly.
"Oh we will." Nabiki grinned. "Trust me, Azusa said she'd make sure, she wants her Charlotte after all."
Phil Satyr growled with frustration when five guys in black jumped through the hole that chick had left in his roof.
"You are to ensure that Nabiki Tendo and P-Chan get on the show!" One of them announced. "By order of Azusa!"
"Who-sue-sa?" Phil demanded. "If you cant tell, I'm a very busy man, leave me alone."
"We just got our butts kicked by a very angry lady because the boss here is a sick womanizer who cant keep his thoughts quiet."
"Shut up yer mouth Joe!"
Tofu sat at his desk thinking about Kasumi. Oh the dirty thoughts that played through his perverted mind, oh that sick mo'fo. How dare he even think of beautiful Kasu-eh I mean Tofu sat at his desk thinking about Kasumi.
"So beautiful, so quiet and kind. Oh Kasumi, if only I could build up the courage to tell you how I feel . . ."
"Hey!" The chainsaw in the corner of the room said. "I can help you tell her."
"Huh?" Tofu frowned. The chainsaw was talking to him? He was insane obviously. And yet realizing that he wasn't sane made him sane correct? Correct!? He couldn't be insane, Kasumi would never want an insane chiropractor!
"I can give you the confidence to tell Kasumi how you feel. All you have to do is pick me up and cut things up with me. Vrrooom vrrrooom! I love to hack and slash! You can wear the mask Kasumi gave you in issue one and cut things up! Nothing builds self esteem like chopping up innocent trees and hacking apart people you don't like!"
"What a wonderful idea!" Tofu cried. "I will do that! You are correct, what an intelligent chainsaw you are!"
Panda Genma frowned and held up a sign: Eh . . . Who are you talking to?
Hmm . . . what a strange smell . . . like roses only different.
"So wazzap with you and this 'Kinnosuke' guy?" Ryoga asked. "And why am I supposed to be angry?"
"You're not. There is nothing going on between him and me, we just have this sort of rivalry." Nabiki said calmly. "Don't worry about it." She yawned. "Unless you're jealous of him."
"What? Why should I be jealous? He owe you more money than I do?" Ryoga teased.
"No one owes me as much money as you do." Nabiki winked.
"Speaking of which, I can pay you back now, I don't have to be your slave!"
"Excellent." Nabiki said calmly. "So . . . you have the one hundred thousand yen?"
"What!? It wasn't *that* much, I remember!" Ryoga protested.
Nabiki grinned wickedly. "It is known as Interest, Ryoga-baby." She said. "I let you slide on the usual three hundred percent just because you're you, but I still expect full payment. It's in our contract if you wanna check." She said, handing him the contract.
"Oh you're good." Ryoga shook his head.
"Thank you, I've worked hard to become so. It's okay. Now, I have this great idea. What we're going to do is sneak out of the house, so Akane doesn't kill us. I've got a couple of places I need to go today, and since I cant leave you
alone for five seconds before my baby sister thinks I'm cheating on you, you're coming along for the walk."
"Cheers." Ryoga yawned.
"Here is the plan," Nabiki was explaining something to Ryoga, who was falling asleep and not listening at all. Gee the floor sure was comfortable . . . sleepy sleepy sleepy . . .
"Ryoga!" Nabiki snapped. "This is no time for a nap!"
"Huh?" Ryoga woke (a little) "What is it?"
"I need you to pay attention Ryoga! This plan won't work if you don't know it!"
"Plan? We're making a plan?" Ryoga frowned.
"That's my point!" Nabiki said, shaking a scolding finger at him. "You need to pay attention!"
"Okay, start from the top." Ryoga reasoned. But he was already falling asleep again. Why was he so tired?
"Okay okay. First of all we . . . and then . . . and when that's done . . . it'll be a piece of cake! You got that Ryoga?"
"Yes. Just one question. What exactly are we doing boss?"
"Were going to . . . HEY! WAKE UP!"
"Oops! Eh . . . what are we doing?"
"Forget it!" Nabiki scoffed. "Now I'm getting sleepy."
Ryoga laughed wickedly. "It's not even dark out and we're falling asleep."
"Your boring company." Nabiki yawned.
"Eh . . . hey Nabiki . . . when did Kasumi say those ninjas were gonna show up and kill us?"
"Mm? Saturday I think."
"What day is today?"
"Friday?" Nabiki offered. "I'm not sure . . . did I go to school today?"
"Eh . . ."
"No matter. I'm going to take a quick nap, then we can worry about those stupid ninjas." Nabiki yawned. She made a half-asked attempt to crawl into bed.
"Eh . . . okay . . . do you have an extra pillow?" Ryoga asked, falling asleep already.
"Go sleep in the closet!" Nabiki scoffed, struggling to get into her bed, which seemed to have become her Mt. Everest.
"Never…mind…zzzz" Ryoga mumbled. Then to his unhappy shock, someone poured cold water all over him. "WHA? ERNK!"
Nabiki yawned. "G'night P-Chan."
'What'd she transform me for? She's got a mean streak as long as my arm! Hey! I'm not sleepy anymore!' Ryoga thought.
That's when the window was smashed open, Nabiki was fast asleep, she didn't notice. Two men in black slipped in.
"Well?" One of them demanded. "You're sure the gas wouldn't harm the pig?"
"It's designed to put humans to sleep!" The other guy said. "The pig should be fine. Now lets . . . ho-ho, weren't there two of them in here?"
"No matter, if you've done your job everyone should be asleep by now!"
"Hey, I done my job bucko!" The second ninja snapped.
'Whao! This isn't good!' Ryoga thought.
"Eh . . . Todd . . ."
"What?"
"Were we supposed to wear gas masks?"
". . . yes." Todd said with a frown.
'Idiots.' Ryoga thought. The two ninjas fell over each other, fast asleep. Ryoga leapt into Nabiki's bed. Had to wake her up . . . but how? 'I know!' Ryoga though. He backed up to the edge of the bed, then got a running start and slammed right into the girl's forehead.
She didn't wake up, but her arm flung out and crushed the poor little piglet that was trying to save her life. 'Aww crap.' Ryoga thought.
To Be Continued . . .
Next Chapter . . .
Ryoga frowned at her, and said "Nabiki, this doesn't look like the living room." He said. "And that doesn't look like the couch."
"Really? I must have gotten lost. You're rubbing off on me." Nabiki grinned wickedly.
"In fact, I'm no expert, but I'd say this is your bed room."
"Is it?" Nabiki asked, closing the door behind her.
"Yeah, I'm pretty sure it is!" Ryoga said, oblivious to the danger.