Boop and Friends : Tale of the Sea Men
Spoonz and Boop were sitting on their couch, watching the Stanley Cup finals. It was the last minute of game between the Senators and some team
from Kenya. The score was one thousand to one for the Senators, but
anything was possible.
'Geez, the game's close, Boop'
'Yeah, Kenya only has to score 16.65 goals a second to take it into
overtime!'
Spoonz grimaced and took a huge gulp of beer. He belched in saticfaction. They were about to watch the rest of the game when suddenly someone knocked
at their door. The two didn't answer.
'Pizza!' shouted the door.
The two food-crazed heros rushed to the door, but when they opened it,
found nothing but a paper written 'YOUR MOM!'
They couldn't believe it! Some bastard had made them miss THE game of the
year! They had to take revenge!
They came upon Jay the Wonderpants who was bathing in a bath of orange Jell-
O.
'Jay!'
Startled, Jay took the cucumbers out of his eyes and smiled when he saw
Boop.
'Hey there, Boop. Did you watch the show I told you to watch?'
'Yeah! That part with the table selling for 2$ was so exciting!'
'I told you that the Home Shopping Channel was the shiznack!' 'Right', said Spoonz, 'dude, it's SLICES of cucumbers you put on your eyes,
not the whole damn thing!'
'Ohhhhhhhhh! That's why they'd never stay! Thanks, dude!' 'Okay', said Boop 'we came here to ask you if you'd like to join our team'.
'Sure! What's it called?'
'A.A.R.C.' said Spoonz.
'Anorexic And Rebelling Cheeses?' asked Jay.
'Nooooo' said Spoonz, rolling his eyes. 'Action Against Rigid Cows. You can be so immature, Jay' said Spoonz as he
farted and laughed hysterically.
The trio set off to find other people. It wasn't long before they came upon
Flower Girl.
'Yo Flower Girl!' exclaimed Spoonz.
'My name is Russ, dude.'
'Are you arguing with my Boo?' asked Boop, annoyed.
'Yeah' said Flower Girl.
'Oh....' said Boop as she shrugged. 'Dude, wanna join us in our quest towards a bright tomorrow?' asked Spoonz. 'Cool! We're freeing those umm..umm combover eagles?' asked Flower Girl.
'They're AFRO eagles, get your shit right, retard' said Boop.
'And no, we're going to kick some Dutch ass!' she continued.
'Alright! Do we get slingshots?' wondered Flower Girl.
'No' said Jay proudly, 'I got us something a bit more...technologically
advanced.'
He took out forks from his back pocket. They rushed towards him.
'But, I want a spoon!' said Spoonz.
'Don't worry dude. These are really useful, they make great combs' said
Flower Girl . 'Awww! Mine is so cute! I call it....George!' exclaimed Boop as she put it
in her bag with millions of other objects named 'George'.
They set off for one more person, and they came to Cass.
'Hey Cass!' exclaimed Boop. 'My name is Lepardtard' she said. She turned to pet her Walrus, Slimfast.
'Say, Lepardtard, are these your new set of wheels?' asked Flower Girl.
'Yup, 's my Hover Round. V6 engine, 195 horse power'
'Pfft. That's nothin!' said Spoonz as he took out his fifty year old,
rusted golf cart.
The whole team got on and they started off into the horizon at .25 km an
hour.
'I need a pit stop' said Jay.
'But you stopped for lunch two minutes ago!'
'Yeah, but I'm big boned, I need food' said Jay defensively.
'Yeah well, I don't know who your nutritionist is, but it sure as hell
ain't Ricardo Simmons!'
'It's Richard, Lepardtard' said Flower Girl.
' That's what I said!' she replied.
Once at the next restaurant exactly .000416 km away from their starting
point, everyone got off. Everyone but Spoonz and Boop, that is.
'So, Boop, what do you think of my wheeeeeels?'
'They're so classy, Spoonz! They make me want you!'
'What'd you say we pop a wheelie on this Pimpin Mobile?' Spoonz said
proudly.
They tried and tried but weren't successful. They were about to give up when the front of the cart lifted up from the ground. They were popping a
wheelie! They turned around to see Slimfast's 600 pound carcass chowing
down on a Big Mac, he gave them a walrus' version of a finger.
Once back on the road, they travelled for four hours.
'Dude, this is too fast! I'm gonna be sick' complained Jay.
'Yeah! We've already travelled a whole kilometer!' added Boop.
'I'm not letting this baby go' said Spoonz.
'Pwease Boo' said Boop as she started unbuckling his belt.
'But, but Boop' said Spoonz.
Boop pulled Spoonz pants down to his ankles.
'She's gonna do it!' exclaimed Flower Girl.
'Shh' whispered Jay.
Boop knelt down infront of Spoonz and did what she had to do.....
'Boop, you know I love it when you lick my knees like that!'
'Please let go of the Pimpin Mobile, Boo' begged Boop.
'Oh alright' said Spoonz.
After Pimpin Mobile's huge funeral with everyone from Barenaked Ladies, to Dumb and Dumber, to some albino dude called Q-Tip, the quintet continued
their journey.
'We can't take a plane to Holland, so how will we get there?' asked Jay.
'We'll walk!' suggested Lepardtard. 'Walk!?!?!' exclaimed Boop, 'I hate walks, hate them, hate them hate them!'
'Aww. Don't worry, Boop. I'll give you a piggy back!' said Spoonz.
'Yes! That's perfect!' smiled Boop.
She climbed onto Spoonz's back and wrapped her arms around his neck. And thus it went, they walked and walked and walked. After a week of walking, Jay farting, Slimfast rolling, Flower Girl singing, Lepardtard complaining and Spoonz and Boop cuddling and babytalking eachother, they came to a neon
sign entitled 'Hal's Land'.
'We're inHolland!' exclaimed Lepardtard.
'No, no' said Spoonz, 'it says Holy Land'.
'No, you guys are both wrong' cut in Jay, 'it says 'You are hungry, you
want to eat, eat eat.FOOOD.'
'Stop fighting you guys!' said Flower Girl.
'It's Holland, let's go in' said Boop.
And they went into the car battery operated shack. There, in that shack,
they found heaven.
'Food!' exclaimed Jay.
'Tim Hortons!' said Spoonz.
'Sling shots!' added Flower Girl.
'Pink!' said Lepardtard.
Boop sat down on the floor and pouted. No one noticed her so she sighed.
Still no one looked her way, so she sighed louder.
'AHEM!' she said.
Spoonz came towards her dressed as a giant woolen sock.
'What's wrong, Boop?'
' I...I have nothing' she answered.
'Awwww. I'll find you something' he said and left.
He came back later with a box.
'You'll like this!' Spoonz said.
He pulled out a hat, she shook her head. He took out a pickle, she grimaced. He took out earrings, she pouted. Finally he took out something
small and furry.
'A bunny!' she cried.
'No Boop, this is a cat' explained Spoonz.
'Oh' said Boop 'it's so cute!'.
'You can have it' said Spoonz.
'Thanks Boooo!' she yelled as she gave Spoonz a huge hug.
'No problem, kiddo'.
It was late, they decided to sleep at the shack that night. Jay slept on a
table, Lepardtard slept on Slimfast,
Flower Girl slept on a couch. Boop and Spoonz? They didn't sleep. They fogged up mirrors and Boop could be heard, screaming Spoonz's name over and
over again.
'Spoonz, I want cold water to brush my teeth' Boop cried.
'Hot' replied Spoonz as he turned the hot water tap.
'Spoonz!'
'Boop!'
'Spoonz!'
'Boop!'
'That's it, she's just gotten her cherry popped, people!' sighed Jay.
'Let them be' cut in Flower Girl, 'besides, Boop doesn't LIKE cherries.
Jay the Wonderpants closed his eyes and asked himself how people could be so ignorant. Everybody knew that popping a cherry was being mad! He drifted
off to sleep and dreamt of Chernobyl's mutant earthworms.
'Boo...wake up. I have to tell you something' whispered Boop.
'What is it?' yawned Spoonz.
'Well, I...' she lifted her feet.
'You're wearing socks!' yelled Spoonz.
'Mhm' grinned Boop, 'read them'.
In messy writing, the word 'Spoonz' was etched on the fabric.
'I did it myself' bragged Boop.
'No shit!' said Spoonz.
'You know what that means Boo. Take it off, all off'.
Spoonz pulled down his pants. Boop's pupils dilated in pleasure and she
grinned happily at the spectacle she was seeing.
'You kept your stars!' she cried.
'Yup! I'm a big boy!'
'You're my big boy!'
'alright, you love turds' cut in Jay, 'we're leaving for Holland'.
'But we ARE in Holland!' cried Boop.
'Naw. Some old man with about as many teeth as a Jack-o-lantern claimed
this was his antique shop' informed Jay.
'Some people just don't know how to spell' sighed Spoonz.
So they set off again, sometimes they walked, sometimes they ran, sometimes they crawled, sometimes they leap, sometimes when the grass was wet, Spoonz would carry Boop because of her Wetgrassonbarefeetaphobia. After about a
month of this, they arrived to the Atlantic Ocean.
'Whoa! I always wanted to see Niagara Falls!'shrieked Lepardtard. 'This isn't Niagara, Lepardtard, it's the Atlantic Ocean!' corrected Boop.
'And now would YOU know, smarty pants?'
'Because my girl is smart' said Spoonz.
'Nooooooooo...' corrected Boop, 'it says right there!'
She pointed to a huge sign. They all clapped in awe and praised Boop's
intelligence.
'Well, there's only one way to Holland from here' announced Jay.
'By swimming?' asked Boop.
'Errr.....no' answered Jay.
'By boat?' asked Flower Girl.
'No'
'Jet ski?' tried Spoonz.
'Nope'
'Riding on dolphins!' yelled Lepardtard.
'No, no, no!' cried Jay, 'by going through the underground tunnel!'
So the team entered the cave. Due to an excessive weight problem, Slimfast
had to be carried on Boop's back.
'I'm scared, Boop' said Spoonz. 'Don't worry hun. I'll protect you!' said Boop as a spider fell onto her
nose.
'AHHHHH! Spoonz! Get it off! Get it off!' yelled Boop.
Spoonz quickly flicked the eight legged creature off of Boop's face and
embraced her.
'Come on, you sissys!' urged Jay.
After days of travelling in the neverending underground tunnels, they came
to a door. It read 'Jeopardy Studio'.
'You think this is Mozambique?' pondered Flower Girl as he opened the door. 'No, I saw this place on TV! This is Jeopardy! You answer the questions by
'what is'' said Jay.
'Let's play!' yelled Boop as she took a stand.
All of them, having pride bigger then Slimfast's ass, decided to play to
show off thier skills.
'Boop, pick a category' said Trebeck.
'Ummm. Sports for 500!' 'Alright, who was the first arabic man in the international spoonlicking
league?'
Spotting some strange white fluid on his buzzer, Flower Girl pressed his
finger on his buzzer.
'Yes?' enquired Trebeck.
Grossed out by the texture, Flower Girl ket out a burst of disgust.
'What is....THIS SHIT!?!?!' yelled Flower Girl.
'I'm sorry, that's incorrect'
'I wanna pick a category!' let out Jay.
'No, it's still Boops turn' said Trebeck. 'You're racist against my friend, aren't you? Aren't you? Hater! It's cuz
he's green, isn't it? Huh! Huh!' yelled Boop angrily.
Frightened, Trebeck faced Jay.
'What category do you choose?'
'Um...food...for....food' answered Jay.
'I'm sorry, that's not an option, bud' said Trebeck.
'AHEM!' let out an angry Boop.
'Alright' said Trebeck as he left and came back with Burger Kings.
As the team animatedly chowed down on their meal, Trebeck inched slowly out
of sight.
'Hey! We all win!' said Lepardtard.
'No! My zero is nicer then yours!' said Jay.
'It'S just a zero' said Flower Girl.
'Mine's nicer' said Lepardtard.
'Mine!' launched Jay.
'Mine!' retorted Lepardtard.
Suddenly, Jay stood up angrily, pulled down his pants and nicely decorated
Lepardtard's scoreboard with the remains of his meals.
'NOW yours is nicer' he finally said.
'Hey guys, where are Boop and Spoonz?' asked Flower Girl.
All three of them looked around the studio. Behind Boop's stand, muffled
moans could be heard and legs and arms could be seen waving wildly. Suddenly, Boop's head popped up and she fixed her hair. Spoonz's head came
up moments later.
'You're gonna have to learn to tie your shoelaces one day, Boo' urged Boop.
'I know, but I can't remember what comes first, the DROP, ROLL, or the
STOP' answered Spoonz.
Boop stared bizarrely at Spoonz and shrugged. She didn't want to seem uneducated so she pretended to know what Spoonz was talking about. HE was
so smart, he even knew how to cook. She stared at him lovingly as she watched him pick the lint from his belly button. She was interrupted from
her thinking by Jay's loud shriek. There, curled up in a ball, was a
heaving lump.
'A steaming pile of shit!' exclaimed Flower Girl.
'That's not shit' said Lepardtard as she lifted the lump to it's feet.
The pile of shit was really just a man with a receding hairline.
'He's so cute! I'll keep him! What should I call him?' asked Lepardtard.
'What's that cereal that makes you wanna shit?' asked Jay.
'All Bran!' said Flower Girl proudly.
'That's it!' said Jay, 'call him All Bran'.
Lepardtard hugged the man and all he managed to say was 'habibi'.
'What'd he say?' asked Spoonz.
'I think he said I'm a bee' said Boop. 'No! He said I need a pee!' shouted Lepardtard as she helped All Bran to a
corner.
After a month of walking through leaking caves that smelled of deepfried
granny anus, they arrived in Europe.
'Whew! This better be worth it!' complained Jay,'I just lost my winter's
blubber reserve!'
Boop, frightened by the loss of Jay's potbelly, did something cruel, but it
was the only way....the only way.
'I can't believe you killed my Slimfast, BiOiOiOiOtch!' cried Lepardtard.
'It was worth it' said Jay defensively.
Boop had cut Slimfast open and had shoved his 600 pounds of blubber down
Jay's now thin throat. Jay had retaken his previous form...in bigger.
Bigger is better, thought Boop.
'Gee, I didn't realize All Bran was so thin!' said Boop, disgusted.
The hundred pound body of the five foot, ten inch man revealed his ribs, his internal organs, and ever his heart which was three sizes too small. Boop hated lankies. Theyz was the devil. She sensed he was a bad person, she had to protect her friends from his awful smelland lankiness. She stole Jay's Drunken Hobo Stick and pushed a five pound piece of steak down All Bran's throat. Never having eaten that much in his life, the hideous beast
exploded into a million piles of steaming shits.
'Why do you always kill my lovers, whore? You want me to steal your man?
Huh? Wanna see what it feels like?' cried Lepardtard.
At the very thought of losing her Boo, Boop took out her mighty claws from hell, something she'D gotten from some strange looking man dressed in red and white. He had a fake ass white beard and rode on deers with styrofoam wings. She remembered throwing a rock at the stupid beast's red nose and getting in shit for it. Pffft. She didn't NEED a nightlight. That man still came to her house every December 25th, by the looks of it, he was a hobo
looking for a home. She shrugged, she had already adopted Jay.
Remembering what Lepardtard had said, Booptook her claws and slashed Lepardtard wildly with them. Jay went to Lepardtard's body on the ground
and closed her eyes, much like a priest would do to a dead person.
'Wait!' Lepardtard shrieked, 'I'm not dead!'
'Yes. Yes you are' said Jay as he shut her eyes once more.
'That was useless Boop, you know I love YOU, not her' assured Spoonz.
'Still...' pouted Boop. 'Awww...don't worry, Boopsie' Spoonz grinned as he slowly inched his hand
towards Boop's breast.
'Could this be it?' wondered Flower Girl.
'Could they actually be doing something?' pondered Jay.
The two guys watched Spoonz and Boop closely, keeping their eyes on Spoonz's hand. It was so close, it was inches away. He was going to do it!
He was going to do it! It inched and inched closer until finally.....
'Boop, you got a mustard stain on your shirt' said Spoonz as he swiflty
rubbed it off.
'Awww man!' cried Jay and Flower Girl in unison.
'They're never gonna do anything!' complained Jay.
'They suck!' let out Flower Girl.
The quartet set off towards Holland by gazelle. Jay got along fine with his. He called it Happy Meal. It shat as often as he did, they had a real
bond. Things weren't going so happily for Spoonz and Boop who had decided to take
an elephant instead.
'It smells bad, Boo' complained Boop.
'It's not half as bad as your cooking' mumbled Spoonz. 'I don't see why you're complaining, you eat my food all the time!' said
Boop angrily. 'That's only when I have a cold and I can't taste anything!' he replied.
The two continued their trip pouting until the sun set and the team decided to stop for the night. Once everyone was asleep, a sad Boop made her way to
her Spoonz. She slowly lifted up his shirt. This woke him up.
'Boop, I have no lint in my belly button, I promise' said Spoonz.
Boop said nothing as she untied Spoonz's pant zipper.
'Yes, I kept my stars' he said.
Again, Boop was silent as she pulled Spoonz's pants down and off of his
feet.
'Boop, can't you lick my knees later?'
Still silence. Suddenly, Spoonz's eyes widened as he looked down at Boop.
'Boop...wh...what are you doing?'
'Nnnnnnnnnnothing' whispered Boop.
'It doesn't FEEL like nothing' answered Spoonz huskily.
'Shhhh' whispered Boop as Spoonz moaned.
Ten minutes and a tablespoon of something Spoonz called 'sea men' later,
Boop and Spoonz lay asleep, drooling on eachother.
The next morning was the same as the others. Flower Girl once again complained about Jay's offensive odours. After a short 7 course breakfast (Jay ate everyone else's second, third, fourth, fiftth, sixth, and seventh
course), the team set off once more towards Holland.
After three hours, Spoonz halted the caravan of wild animals and the team
and spoke.
'This is it, we're here' he said.
'How do you know?' asked Flower Girl, looking for a neon sign.
'Look at the Dutch' said Spoonz.
Jay started singing an off-tuned version of 'Sex Bomb' while making
thrusting motions. Flower Girl rolled his eyes.
'What about the Dutch, Boo?' asked Boop.
'Don't you remember when they said on t.v. that most Dutch lived in
Holland?' asked Spoonz. 'Yes! You're right!' yelled Boop.'I knew you were the smartest one here!'
So all four of them sat down and waited. A few hours later, still nothing
had happened.
'What are we waiting for?' asked Jay.
'Meh' said Spoonz as he shrugged.
'I'm not sure' said Boop.
'YOU'RE WAITING FOR ME!' boomed an undetermined voice.
'Who's you?' they asked.
'I'M ME!'
'But who's 'ME'?'
'YOU MORONS! IT'S ME! THE LORD OF THE FUCKING UNDERWORLD!' it boomed.
'Mom?' asked Jay.
'NO, YOU ASSHOLES! I'M GAIL ORD!'
'Gay Lord? HAHAHAH!' they laughed hysterically.
'BEWARE, I'M HERE TO KILL YOU AND RID THE WORLD OF GENIUSES!'
'Oh, Jay's American, you shouldn't worry' answered Flower Girl
reassuringly. 'Hey Gay Lord! If you're so powerful, why don't you show yourself!' said
Spoonz.
'I WILL!' it boomed.
Out of nowhere, a huge dildo appeared infront of them. Boop started
laughing hysterically.
'What's so funny, Boop?' inquired Jay.
'It's just that it's so....small!' she laughed, 'Boo's is huge compared
to...' she clasped her hands over her mouth.
'WHAT did you say?' asked Jay.
'Nothing!' she shrieked.
'You guys did it! You blew him!' yelled Flower Girl.
'No!' denied Boop.
'Yes!' yelled Jay and Flower Girl.
'Boo! Make them stop!' sobbed Boop.
'Be quiet, you guys' said Spoonz, hugging Boop.
'Alright, alright, we're just psyched that it finally happened!' said
Flower Girl.
Jay hugged Boop apologetically.
'Sorry, girl' he said.
'It's okay, Jay the Wonderpants' she said. 'HELLOOOO! I'M SUPPOSED TO BE THE CENTER OF ATTENTION,HERE!' whined Gail
Ord.
'Shut up, dick!' yelled Spoonz. 'HEY, DON'T LAUGH AT ME! I DIDN'T CHOOSE TO BE BORN LIKE THIS!' sobbed the
giant whacker.
'Awww, don't be sad, Gay Lord' said Boop.'Apologize, Spoonz'
'Yo, sorry dude' he said.
'ALL I WANTED WAS A FRIEND!' sobbed the creature.
'Sh. It's alright now' whispered Boop as she pet it.
'Hey man, don't you be stealing my girl!' yelled Spoonz angrily.
'Oh! I'M SO SORRY! PLEASE DON'T BE MAD! I'LL DO ANYTHING!' pleaded the
pecker.
'Well, there's nothing here for us to do' said Spoonz. 'Yeah. It's not nice to hold a grudge and I'm not mad at the Mozambicans
for destroying the U.S anymore' said Boop.
'I wanna go home! I miss my momma!' sobbed Jay.
'Can you take us home? asked Flower Girl.
'SURE THING!' said Gail, happy to help.
And so they left Holland and travelled across the ocean on a giant penis.
They finally arrived home a week later and were treated as heros for
killing Lepardtard, who was in reality, Saddam Hussein.
'I KNEW there was something wierd about her' whispered Spoonz to Boop as
they were receiving their bravery medals.
'I thought EVERY girl had a big bushy mustache!' said Boop sadly.
Spoonz looked at Boop's hairless face and smiled. SHe was so damn cute!
'Spoonz..' she whispered.
'Yeah?'
'I think I'm ready...'
'You're ready to walk on wet grass barefoot?'
'No'
'Cook decent meals?'
'Nope'
'Well what?'
'To read!' she said.
'Oh' said Spoonz, uninterested.
'Will you help me?' she asked as she passed him a book.
'Karma Sut...' Spoonz's gasp was muffled by Boop's eager lips.
The End
EPILOGUE
The Senators had infact won the Stanley Cup
Jay went on to replace Richard Simmons and became a successful weight loss
guru. He died tragically of over active anal gland swelling.
Flower Girl came to accept his name. He's now a famous gardener and plans
to ask for Martha Stewart's hand in marraige.
No one cares what happened to Alex Trebeck.
Lepardtard, once left behind by the team, decided that she was too smart
for them anyways. She tried to swim back home and drowned.
All Bran quickly disintegrated and became the ingredients of the food for the cat Spoonz found for Boop at the Antique Shop. He is therefore still a
STEAMING PILE OF SHIT.
Gail Ord went on to be a kindergarten teacher. Because of his appearance,
he was forced to wear a giant condom made out of Slimfast's carcass.
Spoonz and Boop went on to do.......no one knows actually. They're still
locked up in Boop's bedroom.
Spoonz and Boop were sitting on their couch, watching the Stanley Cup finals. It was the last minute of game between the Senators and some team
from Kenya. The score was one thousand to one for the Senators, but
anything was possible.
'Geez, the game's close, Boop'
'Yeah, Kenya only has to score 16.65 goals a second to take it into
overtime!'
Spoonz grimaced and took a huge gulp of beer. He belched in saticfaction. They were about to watch the rest of the game when suddenly someone knocked
at their door. The two didn't answer.
'Pizza!' shouted the door.
The two food-crazed heros rushed to the door, but when they opened it,
found nothing but a paper written 'YOUR MOM!'
They couldn't believe it! Some bastard had made them miss THE game of the
year! They had to take revenge!
They came upon Jay the Wonderpants who was bathing in a bath of orange Jell-
O.
'Jay!'
Startled, Jay took the cucumbers out of his eyes and smiled when he saw
Boop.
'Hey there, Boop. Did you watch the show I told you to watch?'
'Yeah! That part with the table selling for 2$ was so exciting!'
'I told you that the Home Shopping Channel was the shiznack!' 'Right', said Spoonz, 'dude, it's SLICES of cucumbers you put on your eyes,
not the whole damn thing!'
'Ohhhhhhhhh! That's why they'd never stay! Thanks, dude!' 'Okay', said Boop 'we came here to ask you if you'd like to join our team'.
'Sure! What's it called?'
'A.A.R.C.' said Spoonz.
'Anorexic And Rebelling Cheeses?' asked Jay.
'Nooooo' said Spoonz, rolling his eyes. 'Action Against Rigid Cows. You can be so immature, Jay' said Spoonz as he
farted and laughed hysterically.
The trio set off to find other people. It wasn't long before they came upon
Flower Girl.
'Yo Flower Girl!' exclaimed Spoonz.
'My name is Russ, dude.'
'Are you arguing with my Boo?' asked Boop, annoyed.
'Yeah' said Flower Girl.
'Oh....' said Boop as she shrugged. 'Dude, wanna join us in our quest towards a bright tomorrow?' asked Spoonz. 'Cool! We're freeing those umm..umm combover eagles?' asked Flower Girl.
'They're AFRO eagles, get your shit right, retard' said Boop.
'And no, we're going to kick some Dutch ass!' she continued.
'Alright! Do we get slingshots?' wondered Flower Girl.
'No' said Jay proudly, 'I got us something a bit more...technologically
advanced.'
He took out forks from his back pocket. They rushed towards him.
'But, I want a spoon!' said Spoonz.
'Don't worry dude. These are really useful, they make great combs' said
Flower Girl . 'Awww! Mine is so cute! I call it....George!' exclaimed Boop as she put it
in her bag with millions of other objects named 'George'.
They set off for one more person, and they came to Cass.
'Hey Cass!' exclaimed Boop. 'My name is Lepardtard' she said. She turned to pet her Walrus, Slimfast.
'Say, Lepardtard, are these your new set of wheels?' asked Flower Girl.
'Yup, 's my Hover Round. V6 engine, 195 horse power'
'Pfft. That's nothin!' said Spoonz as he took out his fifty year old,
rusted golf cart.
The whole team got on and they started off into the horizon at .25 km an
hour.
'I need a pit stop' said Jay.
'But you stopped for lunch two minutes ago!'
'Yeah, but I'm big boned, I need food' said Jay defensively.
'Yeah well, I don't know who your nutritionist is, but it sure as hell
ain't Ricardo Simmons!'
'It's Richard, Lepardtard' said Flower Girl.
' That's what I said!' she replied.
Once at the next restaurant exactly .000416 km away from their starting
point, everyone got off. Everyone but Spoonz and Boop, that is.
'So, Boop, what do you think of my wheeeeeels?'
'They're so classy, Spoonz! They make me want you!'
'What'd you say we pop a wheelie on this Pimpin Mobile?' Spoonz said
proudly.
They tried and tried but weren't successful. They were about to give up when the front of the cart lifted up from the ground. They were popping a
wheelie! They turned around to see Slimfast's 600 pound carcass chowing
down on a Big Mac, he gave them a walrus' version of a finger.
Once back on the road, they travelled for four hours.
'Dude, this is too fast! I'm gonna be sick' complained Jay.
'Yeah! We've already travelled a whole kilometer!' added Boop.
'I'm not letting this baby go' said Spoonz.
'Pwease Boo' said Boop as she started unbuckling his belt.
'But, but Boop' said Spoonz.
Boop pulled Spoonz pants down to his ankles.
'She's gonna do it!' exclaimed Flower Girl.
'Shh' whispered Jay.
Boop knelt down infront of Spoonz and did what she had to do.....
'Boop, you know I love it when you lick my knees like that!'
'Please let go of the Pimpin Mobile, Boo' begged Boop.
'Oh alright' said Spoonz.
After Pimpin Mobile's huge funeral with everyone from Barenaked Ladies, to Dumb and Dumber, to some albino dude called Q-Tip, the quintet continued
their journey.
'We can't take a plane to Holland, so how will we get there?' asked Jay.
'We'll walk!' suggested Lepardtard. 'Walk!?!?!' exclaimed Boop, 'I hate walks, hate them, hate them hate them!'
'Aww. Don't worry, Boop. I'll give you a piggy back!' said Spoonz.
'Yes! That's perfect!' smiled Boop.
She climbed onto Spoonz's back and wrapped her arms around his neck. And thus it went, they walked and walked and walked. After a week of walking, Jay farting, Slimfast rolling, Flower Girl singing, Lepardtard complaining and Spoonz and Boop cuddling and babytalking eachother, they came to a neon
sign entitled 'Hal's Land'.
'We're inHolland!' exclaimed Lepardtard.
'No, no' said Spoonz, 'it says Holy Land'.
'No, you guys are both wrong' cut in Jay, 'it says 'You are hungry, you
want to eat, eat eat.FOOOD.'
'Stop fighting you guys!' said Flower Girl.
'It's Holland, let's go in' said Boop.
And they went into the car battery operated shack. There, in that shack,
they found heaven.
'Food!' exclaimed Jay.
'Tim Hortons!' said Spoonz.
'Sling shots!' added Flower Girl.
'Pink!' said Lepardtard.
Boop sat down on the floor and pouted. No one noticed her so she sighed.
Still no one looked her way, so she sighed louder.
'AHEM!' she said.
Spoonz came towards her dressed as a giant woolen sock.
'What's wrong, Boop?'
' I...I have nothing' she answered.
'Awwww. I'll find you something' he said and left.
He came back later with a box.
'You'll like this!' Spoonz said.
He pulled out a hat, she shook her head. He took out a pickle, she grimaced. He took out earrings, she pouted. Finally he took out something
small and furry.
'A bunny!' she cried.
'No Boop, this is a cat' explained Spoonz.
'Oh' said Boop 'it's so cute!'.
'You can have it' said Spoonz.
'Thanks Boooo!' she yelled as she gave Spoonz a huge hug.
'No problem, kiddo'.
It was late, they decided to sleep at the shack that night. Jay slept on a
table, Lepardtard slept on Slimfast,
Flower Girl slept on a couch. Boop and Spoonz? They didn't sleep. They fogged up mirrors and Boop could be heard, screaming Spoonz's name over and
over again.
'Spoonz, I want cold water to brush my teeth' Boop cried.
'Hot' replied Spoonz as he turned the hot water tap.
'Spoonz!'
'Boop!'
'Spoonz!'
'Boop!'
'That's it, she's just gotten her cherry popped, people!' sighed Jay.
'Let them be' cut in Flower Girl, 'besides, Boop doesn't LIKE cherries.
Jay the Wonderpants closed his eyes and asked himself how people could be so ignorant. Everybody knew that popping a cherry was being mad! He drifted
off to sleep and dreamt of Chernobyl's mutant earthworms.
'Boo...wake up. I have to tell you something' whispered Boop.
'What is it?' yawned Spoonz.
'Well, I...' she lifted her feet.
'You're wearing socks!' yelled Spoonz.
'Mhm' grinned Boop, 'read them'.
In messy writing, the word 'Spoonz' was etched on the fabric.
'I did it myself' bragged Boop.
'No shit!' said Spoonz.
'You know what that means Boo. Take it off, all off'.
Spoonz pulled down his pants. Boop's pupils dilated in pleasure and she
grinned happily at the spectacle she was seeing.
'You kept your stars!' she cried.
'Yup! I'm a big boy!'
'You're my big boy!'
'alright, you love turds' cut in Jay, 'we're leaving for Holland'.
'But we ARE in Holland!' cried Boop.
'Naw. Some old man with about as many teeth as a Jack-o-lantern claimed
this was his antique shop' informed Jay.
'Some people just don't know how to spell' sighed Spoonz.
So they set off again, sometimes they walked, sometimes they ran, sometimes they crawled, sometimes they leap, sometimes when the grass was wet, Spoonz would carry Boop because of her Wetgrassonbarefeetaphobia. After about a
month of this, they arrived to the Atlantic Ocean.
'Whoa! I always wanted to see Niagara Falls!'shrieked Lepardtard. 'This isn't Niagara, Lepardtard, it's the Atlantic Ocean!' corrected Boop.
'And now would YOU know, smarty pants?'
'Because my girl is smart' said Spoonz.
'Nooooooooo...' corrected Boop, 'it says right there!'
She pointed to a huge sign. They all clapped in awe and praised Boop's
intelligence.
'Well, there's only one way to Holland from here' announced Jay.
'By swimming?' asked Boop.
'Errr.....no' answered Jay.
'By boat?' asked Flower Girl.
'No'
'Jet ski?' tried Spoonz.
'Nope'
'Riding on dolphins!' yelled Lepardtard.
'No, no, no!' cried Jay, 'by going through the underground tunnel!'
So the team entered the cave. Due to an excessive weight problem, Slimfast
had to be carried on Boop's back.
'I'm scared, Boop' said Spoonz. 'Don't worry hun. I'll protect you!' said Boop as a spider fell onto her
nose.
'AHHHHH! Spoonz! Get it off! Get it off!' yelled Boop.
Spoonz quickly flicked the eight legged creature off of Boop's face and
embraced her.
'Come on, you sissys!' urged Jay.
After days of travelling in the neverending underground tunnels, they came
to a door. It read 'Jeopardy Studio'.
'You think this is Mozambique?' pondered Flower Girl as he opened the door. 'No, I saw this place on TV! This is Jeopardy! You answer the questions by
'what is'' said Jay.
'Let's play!' yelled Boop as she took a stand.
All of them, having pride bigger then Slimfast's ass, decided to play to
show off thier skills.
'Boop, pick a category' said Trebeck.
'Ummm. Sports for 500!' 'Alright, who was the first arabic man in the international spoonlicking
league?'
Spotting some strange white fluid on his buzzer, Flower Girl pressed his
finger on his buzzer.
'Yes?' enquired Trebeck.
Grossed out by the texture, Flower Girl ket out a burst of disgust.
'What is....THIS SHIT!?!?!' yelled Flower Girl.
'I'm sorry, that's incorrect'
'I wanna pick a category!' let out Jay.
'No, it's still Boops turn' said Trebeck. 'You're racist against my friend, aren't you? Aren't you? Hater! It's cuz
he's green, isn't it? Huh! Huh!' yelled Boop angrily.
Frightened, Trebeck faced Jay.
'What category do you choose?'
'Um...food...for....food' answered Jay.
'I'm sorry, that's not an option, bud' said Trebeck.
'AHEM!' let out an angry Boop.
'Alright' said Trebeck as he left and came back with Burger Kings.
As the team animatedly chowed down on their meal, Trebeck inched slowly out
of sight.
'Hey! We all win!' said Lepardtard.
'No! My zero is nicer then yours!' said Jay.
'It'S just a zero' said Flower Girl.
'Mine's nicer' said Lepardtard.
'Mine!' launched Jay.
'Mine!' retorted Lepardtard.
Suddenly, Jay stood up angrily, pulled down his pants and nicely decorated
Lepardtard's scoreboard with the remains of his meals.
'NOW yours is nicer' he finally said.
'Hey guys, where are Boop and Spoonz?' asked Flower Girl.
All three of them looked around the studio. Behind Boop's stand, muffled
moans could be heard and legs and arms could be seen waving wildly. Suddenly, Boop's head popped up and she fixed her hair. Spoonz's head came
up moments later.
'You're gonna have to learn to tie your shoelaces one day, Boo' urged Boop.
'I know, but I can't remember what comes first, the DROP, ROLL, or the
STOP' answered Spoonz.
Boop stared bizarrely at Spoonz and shrugged. She didn't want to seem uneducated so she pretended to know what Spoonz was talking about. HE was
so smart, he even knew how to cook. She stared at him lovingly as she watched him pick the lint from his belly button. She was interrupted from
her thinking by Jay's loud shriek. There, curled up in a ball, was a
heaving lump.
'A steaming pile of shit!' exclaimed Flower Girl.
'That's not shit' said Lepardtard as she lifted the lump to it's feet.
The pile of shit was really just a man with a receding hairline.
'He's so cute! I'll keep him! What should I call him?' asked Lepardtard.
'What's that cereal that makes you wanna shit?' asked Jay.
'All Bran!' said Flower Girl proudly.
'That's it!' said Jay, 'call him All Bran'.
Lepardtard hugged the man and all he managed to say was 'habibi'.
'What'd he say?' asked Spoonz.
'I think he said I'm a bee' said Boop. 'No! He said I need a pee!' shouted Lepardtard as she helped All Bran to a
corner.
After a month of walking through leaking caves that smelled of deepfried
granny anus, they arrived in Europe.
'Whew! This better be worth it!' complained Jay,'I just lost my winter's
blubber reserve!'
Boop, frightened by the loss of Jay's potbelly, did something cruel, but it
was the only way....the only way.
'I can't believe you killed my Slimfast, BiOiOiOiOtch!' cried Lepardtard.
'It was worth it' said Jay defensively.
Boop had cut Slimfast open and had shoved his 600 pounds of blubber down
Jay's now thin throat. Jay had retaken his previous form...in bigger.
Bigger is better, thought Boop.
'Gee, I didn't realize All Bran was so thin!' said Boop, disgusted.
The hundred pound body of the five foot, ten inch man revealed his ribs, his internal organs, and ever his heart which was three sizes too small. Boop hated lankies. Theyz was the devil. She sensed he was a bad person, she had to protect her friends from his awful smelland lankiness. She stole Jay's Drunken Hobo Stick and pushed a five pound piece of steak down All Bran's throat. Never having eaten that much in his life, the hideous beast
exploded into a million piles of steaming shits.
'Why do you always kill my lovers, whore? You want me to steal your man?
Huh? Wanna see what it feels like?' cried Lepardtard.
At the very thought of losing her Boo, Boop took out her mighty claws from hell, something she'D gotten from some strange looking man dressed in red and white. He had a fake ass white beard and rode on deers with styrofoam wings. She remembered throwing a rock at the stupid beast's red nose and getting in shit for it. Pffft. She didn't NEED a nightlight. That man still came to her house every December 25th, by the looks of it, he was a hobo
looking for a home. She shrugged, she had already adopted Jay.
Remembering what Lepardtard had said, Booptook her claws and slashed Lepardtard wildly with them. Jay went to Lepardtard's body on the ground
and closed her eyes, much like a priest would do to a dead person.
'Wait!' Lepardtard shrieked, 'I'm not dead!'
'Yes. Yes you are' said Jay as he shut her eyes once more.
'That was useless Boop, you know I love YOU, not her' assured Spoonz.
'Still...' pouted Boop. 'Awww...don't worry, Boopsie' Spoonz grinned as he slowly inched his hand
towards Boop's breast.
'Could this be it?' wondered Flower Girl.
'Could they actually be doing something?' pondered Jay.
The two guys watched Spoonz and Boop closely, keeping their eyes on Spoonz's hand. It was so close, it was inches away. He was going to do it!
He was going to do it! It inched and inched closer until finally.....
'Boop, you got a mustard stain on your shirt' said Spoonz as he swiflty
rubbed it off.
'Awww man!' cried Jay and Flower Girl in unison.
'They're never gonna do anything!' complained Jay.
'They suck!' let out Flower Girl.
The quartet set off towards Holland by gazelle. Jay got along fine with his. He called it Happy Meal. It shat as often as he did, they had a real
bond. Things weren't going so happily for Spoonz and Boop who had decided to take
an elephant instead.
'It smells bad, Boo' complained Boop.
'It's not half as bad as your cooking' mumbled Spoonz. 'I don't see why you're complaining, you eat my food all the time!' said
Boop angrily. 'That's only when I have a cold and I can't taste anything!' he replied.
The two continued their trip pouting until the sun set and the team decided to stop for the night. Once everyone was asleep, a sad Boop made her way to
her Spoonz. She slowly lifted up his shirt. This woke him up.
'Boop, I have no lint in my belly button, I promise' said Spoonz.
Boop said nothing as she untied Spoonz's pant zipper.
'Yes, I kept my stars' he said.
Again, Boop was silent as she pulled Spoonz's pants down and off of his
feet.
'Boop, can't you lick my knees later?'
Still silence. Suddenly, Spoonz's eyes widened as he looked down at Boop.
'Boop...wh...what are you doing?'
'Nnnnnnnnnnothing' whispered Boop.
'It doesn't FEEL like nothing' answered Spoonz huskily.
'Shhhh' whispered Boop as Spoonz moaned.
Ten minutes and a tablespoon of something Spoonz called 'sea men' later,
Boop and Spoonz lay asleep, drooling on eachother.
The next morning was the same as the others. Flower Girl once again complained about Jay's offensive odours. After a short 7 course breakfast (Jay ate everyone else's second, third, fourth, fiftth, sixth, and seventh
course), the team set off once more towards Holland.
After three hours, Spoonz halted the caravan of wild animals and the team
and spoke.
'This is it, we're here' he said.
'How do you know?' asked Flower Girl, looking for a neon sign.
'Look at the Dutch' said Spoonz.
Jay started singing an off-tuned version of 'Sex Bomb' while making
thrusting motions. Flower Girl rolled his eyes.
'What about the Dutch, Boo?' asked Boop.
'Don't you remember when they said on t.v. that most Dutch lived in
Holland?' asked Spoonz. 'Yes! You're right!' yelled Boop.'I knew you were the smartest one here!'
So all four of them sat down and waited. A few hours later, still nothing
had happened.
'What are we waiting for?' asked Jay.
'Meh' said Spoonz as he shrugged.
'I'm not sure' said Boop.
'YOU'RE WAITING FOR ME!' boomed an undetermined voice.
'Who's you?' they asked.
'I'M ME!'
'But who's 'ME'?'
'YOU MORONS! IT'S ME! THE LORD OF THE FUCKING UNDERWORLD!' it boomed.
'Mom?' asked Jay.
'NO, YOU ASSHOLES! I'M GAIL ORD!'
'Gay Lord? HAHAHAH!' they laughed hysterically.
'BEWARE, I'M HERE TO KILL YOU AND RID THE WORLD OF GENIUSES!'
'Oh, Jay's American, you shouldn't worry' answered Flower Girl
reassuringly. 'Hey Gay Lord! If you're so powerful, why don't you show yourself!' said
Spoonz.
'I WILL!' it boomed.
Out of nowhere, a huge dildo appeared infront of them. Boop started
laughing hysterically.
'What's so funny, Boop?' inquired Jay.
'It's just that it's so....small!' she laughed, 'Boo's is huge compared
to...' she clasped her hands over her mouth.
'WHAT did you say?' asked Jay.
'Nothing!' she shrieked.
'You guys did it! You blew him!' yelled Flower Girl.
'No!' denied Boop.
'Yes!' yelled Jay and Flower Girl.
'Boo! Make them stop!' sobbed Boop.
'Be quiet, you guys' said Spoonz, hugging Boop.
'Alright, alright, we're just psyched that it finally happened!' said
Flower Girl.
Jay hugged Boop apologetically.
'Sorry, girl' he said.
'It's okay, Jay the Wonderpants' she said. 'HELLOOOO! I'M SUPPOSED TO BE THE CENTER OF ATTENTION,HERE!' whined Gail
Ord.
'Shut up, dick!' yelled Spoonz. 'HEY, DON'T LAUGH AT ME! I DIDN'T CHOOSE TO BE BORN LIKE THIS!' sobbed the
giant whacker.
'Awww, don't be sad, Gay Lord' said Boop.'Apologize, Spoonz'
'Yo, sorry dude' he said.
'ALL I WANTED WAS A FRIEND!' sobbed the creature.
'Sh. It's alright now' whispered Boop as she pet it.
'Hey man, don't you be stealing my girl!' yelled Spoonz angrily.
'Oh! I'M SO SORRY! PLEASE DON'T BE MAD! I'LL DO ANYTHING!' pleaded the
pecker.
'Well, there's nothing here for us to do' said Spoonz. 'Yeah. It's not nice to hold a grudge and I'm not mad at the Mozambicans
for destroying the U.S anymore' said Boop.
'I wanna go home! I miss my momma!' sobbed Jay.
'Can you take us home? asked Flower Girl.
'SURE THING!' said Gail, happy to help.
And so they left Holland and travelled across the ocean on a giant penis.
They finally arrived home a week later and were treated as heros for
killing Lepardtard, who was in reality, Saddam Hussein.
'I KNEW there was something wierd about her' whispered Spoonz to Boop as
they were receiving their bravery medals.
'I thought EVERY girl had a big bushy mustache!' said Boop sadly.
Spoonz looked at Boop's hairless face and smiled. SHe was so damn cute!
'Spoonz..' she whispered.
'Yeah?'
'I think I'm ready...'
'You're ready to walk on wet grass barefoot?'
'No'
'Cook decent meals?'
'Nope'
'Well what?'
'To read!' she said.
'Oh' said Spoonz, uninterested.
'Will you help me?' she asked as she passed him a book.
'Karma Sut...' Spoonz's gasp was muffled by Boop's eager lips.
The End
EPILOGUE
The Senators had infact won the Stanley Cup
Jay went on to replace Richard Simmons and became a successful weight loss
guru. He died tragically of over active anal gland swelling.
Flower Girl came to accept his name. He's now a famous gardener and plans
to ask for Martha Stewart's hand in marraige.
No one cares what happened to Alex Trebeck.
Lepardtard, once left behind by the team, decided that she was too smart
for them anyways. She tried to swim back home and drowned.
All Bran quickly disintegrated and became the ingredients of the food for the cat Spoonz found for Boop at the Antique Shop. He is therefore still a
STEAMING PILE OF SHIT.
Gail Ord went on to be a kindergarten teacher. Because of his appearance,
he was forced to wear a giant condom made out of Slimfast's carcass.
Spoonz and Boop went on to do.......no one knows actually. They're still
locked up in Boop's bedroom.