Disclaimer: I do not own Ranma 1/2 or any of it's characters, places etc. I don't own Phil Satyr, but I know I wont be sued for using him since he's an Original Character created by my friend who gave me permission-so there!-and I DON'T own the movie/novel Charlotte's Web. I do own the idea for this fic, the plot, the story and some original characters. I don't own Weeks of Our Lives, it's a fictional soap opera, the actors are all fictional, not based on any people, but on soap opera stereotypes. I.E. evil twins, loose women, love triangles, etc.
Grimm: I hope you all liked part 9, because this time I got lazy and didn't even work very hard.
Charlotte's Web
Chapter 10
I Don't Really Need a Title!
Nabiki shook her head violently. "Ryoga," she whispered "there is nothing to worry about, Ranma won't bother you again!"
"He almost got me! In front of Akane yet! I wont let him get me!" Ryoga said. "You don't understand-"
"I know you're in love with Akane, but Ryoga, she already knows!" Nabiki hissed. "Remember?"
"I've been thinking, what if she doesn't really know? Ranma seems to determined to show her I'm P-Chan, maybe she doesn't really know yet!"
"You're talking nonsense! Akane isn't the sort to . . . jump . . . to . . . oh boy." Nabiki shook her head. "I'm going to have to talk with her and see what she really knows then." Nabiki grinned wickedly. "Don't worry, I won't let Ranma expose you yet."
"Yet?" Ryoga asked.
"Well Ryoga-baby, you signed a contract that forbids me from telling Akane myself. I don't have to keep anyone else form telling her, and I'm not forbidden from telling anyone else. The only reason I don't let Ranma humiliate you is because it would humiliate me too." Nabiki said with a playful grin. Ryoga on the other hand became very pale. "I'm just kidding!" Nabiki chuckled. "Anyway, once you have a half a million dollars to blow on anything you want, don't you think Akane would be fawning over you whether she loved you or not?" Nabiki asked.
"I want her to love me for me!" Ryoga said simply. "Besides, It wouldn't matter how much money I have, she's not like you." He added. His tone wasn't accusing, it wasn't hostile. It was as if he were stating a fact, which technically he was. Still it made Nabiki's cheeks burn and she promptly threw a bucket of cold water at him, bucket included. She then scooped up the little black piglet that was left in the mound of Ryoga's cloths and dried him off using his own dirty shirt.
"Time to take center stage Ryoga-baby!" Nabiki said.
Ryoga was perched on Nabiki's shoulder like a parrot, he was far too shy to look down at her . . . impressive . . . view. However he found his gaze wandering every now and then, and he had to snap to attention and wait for the never-ending commercials to end!
Ryoga's thoughts looked something like this . . .
'Eyes wander . . . eyes wander . . . ooh . . . those are nice . . . EH! Eyes front!'
Nabiki's thoughts, looked something like . . .
'Money . . . money . . . cute guy in the audience . . . money . . . money . . . Ryoga would be *so* sexy in that sweater . . . money . . . ooh, and that other sweater is green-like the one million American dollars I'm about to win!'
Then came the pie-eating contest. Apparently, there had been an extension of time on the show, and so the pets jumped to eating pies. Phil didn't seem particularly worried that cherry pie might not be entirely healthy for a dog, a pig and a panda, but then again neither did anyone else.
Nabiki frowned when Ryoga fell into his pie and was lost. "Ry-P-Chan! He'll drown in a sea of cherries!" She cried.
Ranma's thoughts however, resembled this.
'I say! Jolly good show wot? Father certainly can tuck into those pies I say! Now where ever did Ryoga get off to? I must expose him to my beloved Akane after all . . .'
WAIT A SECOND! THAT'S NOT RANMA'S THOUGHTS! Sorry for the mix up–here is Ranma's thoughts . . .
'Where's that punk Ryoga? Jeez! Look at Pop scoff those pies down-I'm ashamed to be his son I tell ya! Okay Ryoga, I got me a nice big enchanted fire hose, I'll turn ya into a boy in front of Akane and she'll . . . wait a second . . . how does ruining Ryoga's life harm Nabiki? I swore to Ryoga I wouldnt expose him . . . No matter, I'm sure I'll figure it out later.'
Genma on the other hand, thought 'Gross! I HATE cherry pie! No wait . . . I love cherry pie! More! More! More! I haven't eaten this good since I stole that cart from Ukyo!'
And Akane was thinking . . .
'I wonder where Ranma went too . . . I'd really love for him to sit with me-no I wouldn't! I hope he's gotten himself good and lost like Ryoga! Hey . . . where is Ryoga? I thought he'd want to see Nabiki and P-Chan's big day on WPDDC! I hope he and Ranma aren't fighting again! I bet they are! I'll beat them both to a bloody pulp! I'll skin them both alive and eat their male organs!'
And Kasumi, who sat next to Akane . . .
'Oh dear! Poor P-Chan isn't eating his pie nearly as fast as uncle Saotome. Nabiki must be so embarrassed to be losing already! I wonder where Ryoga is . . . he's so fine . . . man I'd love to get me a piece of *that* . . . hot young stud like him, I'd show him a thing or two about girls . . . Ryoga rocks my world . . . just like Grimm . . . oh if I could be sandwiched between those two-
***
Kasumi: Hey!
Grimm: I'm sorry! I'm sorry!
Kasumi: I'm the non-violent type so I don't usually say this . . . but if you do that again I'll beat the tar out of you and use it to patch up the roof, after I rip all your non-vital organs out of you with my bare hands. Thank you.
Grimm: Okay! Jeez, you try to tell a joke and she threatens to rip out your insides!
***
Anyway . . . Kasumi's thoughts weren't important. No . . . no of course not. But as Ryoga swam through the pie, he was thinking of how extremely hot it was! Luckily he didn't become human, because that would just suck. Only in his strangest of dreams did he imagine being a human pie-and that had been a nightmare involving Kodachi being a blueberry pie and them eating each other.
It was something he didn't really want to imagine ever again but as he more or less sucked up the pie he couldn't help but remember it and shudder. He felt like he would throw up.
'Throw up on Mercedes' pie, he'll never notice!' Ryoga thought.
To his horror Mercedes actually glomped down and ate the pie tin-which Ryoga realized, also to his horror, he'd gotten lost in.
'I know my sense of direction is bad, but how the heck did *that* happen?' Ryoga thought. In horror Ryoga started avoiding the dog's evil teeth and took refuge in Genma's pie. Genma became as dangerous as Mercedes, chowing down, it scared Ryoga because he'd though pandas just ate bamboo but apparently Genma had a taste for pork as well.
"And we have a winner!" Phil cried. "P-Chan!"
"But Azusa's Mercedes finished him pie first!" Azusa cried.
"Yes, and as stupid as it looked doing it, the little black pig jumping from pie to pie avoiding chomping by a giant panda and a ravenous German Shepherd was just friggin hilarious!" Phil said. "THAT is a stupid pet!"
"He sure is." Nabiki said. "Just watch, I'll show you!" She picked Ryoga up. "P-Chan, walk to our host."
Ryoga did this. He ended up walking into Soun who glared at him.
"You may be cute, but Saotome and I are going to win this!" He hissed.
"That's a dumb pig." Phil shrugged.
"It gets worse." Nabiki said. She picked him up again, then kissed him. Ryoga involuntarily became a statue. Nabiki set him down and set her drink on his head.
"A piglet table . . . very interesting." Phil nodded. "Okay, our next event is the free for all battle. Now folks I know you're thinking-a little piglet against a huge dog and a panda? Well this pig is a real fighter-we've established that. I fear for the dog more than anyone else."
"We're not supposed to let the pets fight. Our producers won't like this!" The host's assistant said.
Then Phil pointed to a pair of really fat guys who looked real rich and were wearing sci-fi T-shirts. They did a high five then showed thumbs up. "Oh . . . well maybe they will." The assistant frowned.
"Alright P-Chan, you can do this!" Nabiki said excitedly. "Uncle Saotome will be your biggest problem, but you can take him, I know you can!" Nabiki said, Ryoga noticed her cheeks were turning red and her eyes were glazing over, she was all but drooling. "A million dollars P-Chan! We can do this! GO FOR IT!" She threw him into the little arena.
Yes there was a little arena set up for the fighters! It shocked and scared Ryoga. Then Genma came out dressed as a gladiator, though he still had his cute dress on under the armor. If P-Chan had had pants he might have wet them from fear and from laughing. Ryoga instead just stared blankly.
Then came Mercedes, with a fake lion costume to make it look like a . . . well a lion. Ryoga laughed.
"KEE-KEE-KEE!"
"RRRRROOOOOAAAAARRRRRRR!" Mercedes roared like a lion! Ryoga stopped laughing.
The combat began, the battle for freedom waged, Ryoga used his . . . well piggy bouncing technique to bounce around the arena like a pinball. Really he did more damage to himself than to his opponents, but the crowd ate that up, laughing that the pig could bounce.
Ryoga was so humiliated by this whole thing. Nabiki showing off how bad his sense of direction was, then kissing him, then throwing him into the arena without so much as a "you ready?" and then now his own stupidity at thinking the bouncing piglet technique, which worked so well on Ranma, might actually win the battle without humiliating him more. Oh gods this was bad.
Ryoga blamed Nabiki thoroughly. He'd win this just to be free of her! He had to win-oops, there's Mercedes' mouth.
However Ranma then showed up.
"Nabiki! I'll teach ya to mess with ME! If you won't fight me in a normal re-match I'll jez have to mess ya up in yer own field of play!"
"Ranma!" Nabiki shouted. "Get down from there!"
Ranma shook his head, standing on the arena's wall. He pointed a fire hose down at the fighters.
"Prepare to suck on hot water P-Chan!" He shouted.
'RANMA!' Ryoga shouted in his head.
'BOY!' Genma shouted in his head.
'PIG IS FOOD!' Mercedes shouted in his head.
Ranma turned on the fire hose and the entire arena was filled with boiling hot water. Ryoga squealed but his piglet snout became a mouth and his squeal became a shout of anger.
"SSAAOTTTOOOOMMMMEEEEE!" He yelled at the top of his lungs.
Ryoga was soon chest deep in hot boiling water, it hurt but the alternative was leaping above water level and . . . exposing himself.
Genma was now a very elegantly dressed man. Elegantly dressed as a woman that is. And Mercedes was a very wet and very angry looking dog.
But at least Genma was wearing cloths. However Ryoga was amazed as Nabiki soon came to his rescue, throwing him a pair of pants. Which Ranma intercepted.
"Haha! Lookit yer P-Chan now Akane! YEE-HAW! I've done it! I've beat Nabiki!"
"You've humiliated Ryoga." Nabiki spat.
"And you know how he gets when he's humiliated." Kasumi said.
"Oh . . . I knew there was a problem with my plan . . ." Ranma frowned. Everyone expected Ryoga to jump up and kill Ranma right then and there. The only thing that stopped him, besides the fact that he had no cloths, was that he wasn't entirely sure if, once he got up there he'd go after Ranma, or Nabiki.
And did they really think him some sort of violent maniac? Well he supposed he'd given them plenty of evidence suggesting that he was.
"Take these Ryoga! Destroy Ranma Saotome for me!" Mousse shouted, throwing Ryoga a pair of pants, which Ryoga suddenly recognized as his own.
"Where the heck did you get-forget it, thanks Mousse!" Ryoga quickly dressed. Then he leapt out of the water, followed by Genma and Mercedes.
"You hold him, I'll punch!" Genma offered.
"Just a second here." Phil said, intervening-Ryoga thought-to save Ranma. Instead he held up his watch. "One minute left and I'm afraid it's up to the fans who wins."
"Forget that!" Ryoga cried. "I've got myself a rat to kill!"
"Could you perhaps, do it as a pig?" Phil asked.
"It doesn't bother you that he just turned from a pig to a human?" Ranma asked.
"I've been to Harvard, kid, I've seen it all. This is pretty mild actually."
"Oh-ho."
"I want to go to Harvard!" Nabiki said.
"Lets get the votes in!" Phil announced.
"WELL . . . Looks like . . . in first place is . . . Azusa and Mercedes since they were the only ones who were actually a pet/owner team instead of a transformer/owner team! Congratulations Azusa!"
"Azusa wins her Charlotte!" Azusa cried.
"If that's what you want to call it." Phil shrugged. "But what you've won is a trip for two to Hawaii, and a million dollars."
"WWEEE!" Azusa cried. "Give Azusa her Charlotte mean girl!"
Nabiki threw her arms around Ryoga. "You can't have him! He's mine!"
"Mean girl made a deal with Azusa! Azusa signed a contract!"
"Azusa signed the contract, but I didn't, it's called a loop hole you idiot!" Nabiki scoffed. "If we won I'd have made you pay up, yet if we lost the entire contract is useless because I "forgot" to sign."
"NNNOOOO!" Azusa cried.
"Oh Nabiki!" Ryoga said. "Thank you so much!"
"I had to save you Ryoga . . . I cant let anyone take you from me." Nabiki said. "Because I love you!" They kissed and lived happily ever after. They went on to become happily married, had twelve kids and lived on a nice big house somewhere along the coast of Maine.
Ryoga: Yeah that's how it COULD have happened. Try this.
"WELL . . . Looks like . . . in first place is . . . Nabiki and P-Chan the transforming pig!"
"YES!" Ryoga cried. "I'm free!"
"I'm rich!" Nabiki cried.
"NNNOOO!" Ranma cried. "I still haven't gotten revenge on Nabiki!"
"Ah-ah!" Kasumi said. "You have gotten revenge on her. Just think. She's won this contest and she agreed to give you a share of the winnings. Less money for her."
"YES!" Ranma cried.
"What? I didn't agree to that!"
"It was a verbal agreement." Ryoga said.
"NO!" Nabiki whined. She glared at Ranma. "I'll get you for this!"
"Yay! Saotome School of Anything Goes Swindling! I've beaten Nabiki at her own game!"
"That's my boy!" Genma cried.
"Don't worry Nabiki." Kasumi said. "I'm sure that when you and Ryoga get married you can swindle him out of his share of the winnings, leaving you with even more than the half you would have gotten."
"What makes you think we're getting married?" Nabiki demanded.
"Akane told daddy you two were sleeping together, he contacted Ryoga's parents, you two will be getting married at sundown today."
"CRAP!" Nabiki shouted.
"CRAP!" Ryoga agreed.
"I think they'll be so happy together!" Kasumi said.
Kasumi: I really do think that. But that's not how it happened EITHER!
Nabiki: HERE is how it really happened. Promise.
"WELL . . . Looks like . . . in first place is . . . Soun Tendo and his panda Jennifer!"
"Yay!" Kasumi cried.
"We've won Tendo!" Genma cried.
"How did it happen?" Soun asked. "I thought we were disqualified for sure!"
"Well . . ." Phil began. "Your comrade over there looked really really dumb dressed up as a woman. And since the point of this show is to find the dumbest pets you've won. At a close second was Azusa and Mercedes because he looked so stupid as a lion. However third place goes to Nabiki and P-Chan, because just about everyone thought the pig was cute, then the girls thought the boy was cute but the guys who make up the majority of our audience didn't
appreciate seeing one of their own in his birthday suit and went for the guy wearing a dress."
Ryoga's jaw dropped. They'd lost! They'd come in last! Azusa now owned him! He'd lost his chance at freedom and it was ALL Ranma's fault!
He was about to say something, when he heard a soft sob behind him. He turned and saw Akane.
"What did you do with my P-Chan?" She demanded.
"Weren't you paying attention?" Ranma snapped. "He IS P-Chan!"
"Y-you . . . you went to China and got cursed . . . so you could pretend to be P-Chan on this show . . . but what did you do with MY P-Chan?"
"He IS yer P-Chan." Ranma said.
Akane glared at Ryoga. "N-no! He can't be my P-Chan! My P-Chan was just a little piggy, he wasn't some . . . some . . . some big mean violent jerk!" Akane cried, slapping Ryoga. "You were P-Chan weren't you? The whole time I'll bet!"
"I wont lie to you, I wa-"
"But you DID! You did lie!" Akane shouted.
Ryoga hung his head. "Yeah. I was P-Chan." He mumbled. "The whole time."
"How could you?" Akane lunged for him, Kasumi quickly, and with surprising strength held her back. Akane flailed then glared at Nabiki. "And *you* knew too! Didn't you? Why didn't you tell me!?"
Nabiki shrugged and stood next to Ryoga. "You never asked." She said.
"HOW COULD YOU?!" Akane cried.
"It was easy." Nabiki shrugged.
"I paid Nabiki not to tell you." Ryoga said. "And she only accepted because I promised her I'd confess."
"LIES!" Ranma cried.
Kasumi actually let Akane go so she could chase after Ranma. Kasumi shook her head and looked at Ryoga. "My-my. Perhaps some time you can tell us all how you became a pig, and what possessed you to pose as my sister's pet. However for now we are in public, cameras are rolling and soon we'll be the envy of every major soap opera. I should know because I watch them and not one of them is this good. I will try to calm Akane, Nabiki would you please take Ryoga someplace and come back home in three hours? I should have everything straitened out by then."
"What are we supposed to do for three hours?" Ryoga asked.
"Nothing." Azusa said. "Because you are coming home with Azusa!"
"No he's not, you didn't win the contest." Nabiki said. "You came in second. Shut down baby, he's still mine."
"Still yours?" Ryoga frowned. "I don't feel like belonging to anyone."
"Tough." Nabiki said, taking his arm. "Because you do. C'mon let's take a little trip."
"To where?" Ryoga frowned.
Later that day . . . at THE MALL
"Nothing gets my mind off the loss of money better than spending some." Nabiki explained as she looked through various cloths shops. "And since you're strong, I'll wager you can carry twice as much as I usually do. And since daddy just won a million dollars we should be just fine when it comes to credit."
"Has it been three hours yet?" Ryoga asked.
"Just half an hour, honey."
"Don't call me that." Ryoga sighed.
Nabiki grinned wickedly. "I *like* calling you that." She shrugged. "We can see a movie if you want."
"This mall is huge. Do you even remember where the exit is?"
"I have a map." Nabiki said. "Lets see . . . now here was are in Teal sector, we need to get to the Apple-Red sector where all the jewelry stores are. The exits should be in Violet sector, and . . . wait, maybe this sector is apple red . . ."
"It's cran-apple." Ryoga said.
Nabiki looked at him for a moment. "You know colors?"
"Yes. And we're not in teal sector, we're in turquoise sector, you've gotten us lost."
"WHOA!" Nabiki gasped. "*You* of all people, accusing me of getting us lost?"
"Yes." Ryoga shrugged. "I've been lost a lot, I know when I'm lost and I know when it's my fault. Usually it is my fault but for once I knew exactly where we were going so I blame it on you."
Nabiki smiled. "Oh I blame *you*. I told you that you were rubbing off on me."
"I think you may be color blind. The difference between turquoise and teal is self evident."
"Whatever." Nabiki shrugged. "If you know your way around then why don't you lead us to Indigo sector and the food courts?"
"Because I think we should be thinking of ways to apologize to Akane without her killing us before we finish the sentence."
"Yes, we can talk that over later." Nabiki said. "I think we may just have found a cure for your directional problems."
"I know the colors, I don't know directions." Ryoga shrugged.
"I'll bet." Nabiki grinned. "Let's just see about that."
A hour later . . .
"I told you, I know colors, I don't know directions." Ryoga said.
"I hate you." Nabiki sighed. The both of them were now thoroughly lost. Nabiki didn't know the stupid color sectors well enough to find an exit, and Ryoga, though he knew the colors didn't know which direction to go to find the next sector.
"This is all your fault." Ryoga said. "Oh-sorry. That was your line."
"Yer darn straight it's my line." Nabiki said. "I'm lost in a mall! That's not right at all!"
"You did manage to rhyme." Ryoga said.
"I do that all the time." Nabiki grinned.
"You can stop that now." Ryoga sighed. 'Akane is going to kill me when we get back, maybe being lost isn't such a bad thing. And besides, I've got company. Granted that Nabiki is the last person I want to be lost with and a mall is the last place I want to be lost in, the alternative is explaining to Akane what I don't fully understand myself . . . hey I should write a poem about this, or a short story, I bet the magazines would eat it up!' Ryoga thought.
Nabiki sighed again. "So . . . what sector is this?" She asked.
"We're in Lavender."
"I've never even heard of some of these colors." Nabiki said.
"Well . . . let me see the map." Ryoga said. "Lets see now . . . we're not too far off, Lavender is right next to Indigo sector and those food courts you wanted to go to. We just have to walk around until we smell food. Then Indigo is right next to Violet and the exit so we just walk around from there until we smell fresh air."
"How can you know what fresh air smells like?" Nabiki demanded.
Ryoga shrugged. "I dunno. It sounded really smart though, didn't it?"
"No." Nabiki shook her head. "Now I know how you feel being lost all the time. Okay we'll go with your idea since you are the expert." Nabiki said.
They ended up in Mauve sector, which cruelly intersects into Lavender sector without warning and leads to Orange sector and so on and so forth. Five hours passed before finally Ryoga and Nabiki managed to escape the mall.
"Okay!" Nabiki said. "I can take it from here. Ahem . . . did we come out the wrong exit? No! No! You really are starting to affect me Ryoga! I blame this whole incident on you!"
"It's not my fault you're color blind." Ryoga said.
"I'm not! I just don't know the difference between Berry Blue and Sky Blue!"
"One is light like the sky, the other is dark like a blue berry." Ryoga said. "That's an easy one."
"I hate you." Nabiki sighed. She grinned wickedly and grabbed Ryoga's arm. "What shall we tell Akane when we get home?"
"I haven't thought of that." Ryoga admitted. Nabiki smiled at him, which seemed to make him nervous.
"I know exactly what we'll tell her." Nabiki assured Ryoga. He didn't look assured. She kissed him on the cheek, he still didn't look assured but at least he didn't start whimpering like the last time they'd kissed.
Then again, Nabiki had to ask herself why she'd kissed him at all.
No time, before she knew it their little walk was at it's end and they were just outside the Tendo home. Nabiki was about to knock on the door. Ranma opened it quickly, Nabiki knocked anyway, whacking Ranma on the head as hard as she could.
"Oh! Sorry Ranma, I didn't see you there." She lied.
"Yeah, sure." Ranma said, rubbing his head. "Anyway, Kasumi wants to see you two."
"Oh! Nabiki and Ryoga are home!" Akane cried . . . happily!
"AAHHH! Akane is home!" Ryoga cried.
"Well where did you *think* she would be?" Nabiki demanded.
Ranma led Nabiki and Ryoga over to the kitchen where Kasumi was washing dishes. Nabiki silently cursed that she'd missed dinner. "Whazzap?" She asked.
"Oh! Nabiki, Ryoga. So good of you to come. I was afraid you'd gotten lost."
"We did." Ryoga said. "Your sister can't tell the difference between Sky blue and Berry blue."
"Oh Nabiki!" Kasumi gasped. "It's so easy! One of light like the sky, the other is dark like a blue berry."
"I hate you so much, Ryoga." Nabiki sighed.
"Anyway, father and uncle Saotome have gone to Hawaii already. Or rather Father, Auntie Saotome and Jennifer the Panda have gone to Hawaii. I've been charged with keeping an eye on things."
"Good for you." Nabiki said.
"Yes, well I'm glad you brought Ryoga back because I'd like to ask him to stay here until father and uncle Saotome get home."
'Like he has a choice-tehehe' Nabiki thought. She said "I'm sure he won't mind, right Ryoga?"
"We'll actually I think I should be as far away from Akane as possible until I can find the right words to apologize-"
"No need, it's done." Kasumi said calmly.
"What?" Nabiki asked.
"It was very simple." Kasumi said with a smile. "I simply told her that the only reason Ryoga pretended to be P-Chan was because I felt she could use a friend, and I told her that I'd asked you to play that role. Since I *was* there that night we saw you and Ranma fighting and you first became P-Chan my story was believable. Furthermore Akane had never undressed in front of P-Chan or told the piglet any embarrassing secrets that the entire population of Nerima didn't already know so there was no reason for her to desire your death from personal embarrassment.
To top things off I also stated that you have no memory of things you do or see as a pig. By then she was to busy praising what a good friend you were to care."
"How'd THAT happen?" Nabiki cried. "If you told me you'd hired some transforming freak-no offense Ryoga-to be my pet I'd be ticked off!"
"Freak?" Ryoga asked. Nabiki ignored him as Kasumi explained various reasons that Akane had fallen for it, one of them being that Akane was simply stupid. Kasumi also explained that she'd "secretly hired" Ryoga as a mercenary to guard the Tendo home and having him be a pet pig was the perfect cover-though she'd not meant for Akane to find the pig and name it and so on. Nabiki wondered how Akane could have fallen for a story with so many plot holes. Then Kasumi brought out the statement that made the most sense. "And let us not forget that Akane is not the brightest star in the sky, I love her, but she's an idiot."
"Perfect match for Ryoga." Nabiki nodded.
"Oh, so now I'm a freak *and* an idiot!?" Ryoga demanded.
"An Idiot-Freak, yes." Nabiki said. "But you're *my* idiot-freak."
"Why don't I like the way you said that?" Ryoga asked.
"Beats me." Nabiki shrugged. She looked at Kasumi who 'ahem'ed and raised her hand.
"Let us also not forget that I've saved Ryoga's bacon, literally. I expect payment, thus while father and uncle Saotome are away Ryoga will guard our house and help me with the cleaning and such. If you want to help me prepare dinner as well that's fine too." Kasumi said. "But you are frankly my slave until father and uncle Saotome come back."
"You two *are* sisters!" Ryoga cried. Nabiki had to admit she'd thought of herself as sort of the black sheep of the family but Kasumi was . . . well admirable in her clever trap. It worked so much better than a contract, if Ryoga betrayed her Kasumi need only tell Akane the truth.
"I love you *sister*." Nabiki said.
"I love you too." Kasumi said.
"I'm not especially fond of you." Ryoga noted.
"That's too bad." Nabiki sighed. "'Cause I just love you so much!" Nabiki squeezed him. Ryoga turned red.
"That's enough of that." Kasumi said. "I'm sure you two must be hungry, I saved some diner for you-it isn't much because I spent so much time saying goodbye to father and uncle Saotome."
"They left already?" Ryoga asked.
"Yes, I believe I said that a while ago."
"Oh . . . yeah." Ryoga nodded. "So now I'm the slave of two masters."
"Mistresses." Nabiki corrected.
"I hate my life."
"It can get better if you let it." Kasumi said calmly. "At least that's what that lady on daytime talk says. And tomorrow you can stay home with me instead of going to school with Nabiki-we'll get some house work done and you can watch soap operas with me-I just *have* to show you Weeks of Our Lives."
To Be Continued . . .
The Commentary . . .
GrimmZ: The time has come, my fellow authors! Those of us about to die, salute you!
Ryoga: Those of us about to die?
GrimmZ: Did you like the end of the show?
Nabiki: I thought it was going to be Ryoga and me!
Ryoga: Yeah! Then a nice romantic getaway on Hawaii!
GrimmZ: Romantic? I guess Ryoga has never been to Hawaii. Anyway, I had to make a choice.
That could have gone one of three ways! First, Nabiki and Ryoga could win and go to Hawaii (guess what happens THEN!) Or Soun and Genma can go, leaving all three Tendo children and Ranma and Ryoga alone without adult supervision (unless you count Kasumi) or Azusa and Mercedes can win and we get rid of her for the rest of the story!
Nabiki: AHHH-ZUUUU-SAHHH! MERR-SEEEEE-DEEESSSSS!
GrimmZ: Too late.
Nabiki: DAMN!
Ryoga: I think GrimmZ made the right choice. Now I can make out with Nabiki and not have to worry about getting caught!
Nabiki: What about Kasumi?
Ryoga: Not my type.
Nabiki: You moron! I meant what if SHE catches you?
Ryoga: . . . well in my fantasies she always joins in.
Nabiki: You are so dead . . .
Next Chapter . . .
"Kasumi is going to go to the hospital pretty soon, and I'll be in charge of the house. And you for that matter." Nabiki said. "Just a heads up, I think there's some house work Kasumi forgot to do."
"Hospital? Is she okay?" Ryoga asked.
"She's going to see Tofu, he's being committed to a mental institution. 'Bout bloody time if you ask me, anyone who's that nuts over Kasumi and wields a chainsaw ought to be locked up." Nabiki said.
"Umm . . . Nabiki?" Ryoga asked.
"What?" Nabiki asked, turning to him. He had his chance! He lunged forward, wrapped his arms around her and tried to kiss her.
Grimm: I hope you all liked part 9, because this time I got lazy and didn't even work very hard.
Charlotte's Web
Chapter 10
I Don't Really Need a Title!
Nabiki shook her head violently. "Ryoga," she whispered "there is nothing to worry about, Ranma won't bother you again!"
"He almost got me! In front of Akane yet! I wont let him get me!" Ryoga said. "You don't understand-"
"I know you're in love with Akane, but Ryoga, she already knows!" Nabiki hissed. "Remember?"
"I've been thinking, what if she doesn't really know? Ranma seems to determined to show her I'm P-Chan, maybe she doesn't really know yet!"
"You're talking nonsense! Akane isn't the sort to . . . jump . . . to . . . oh boy." Nabiki shook her head. "I'm going to have to talk with her and see what she really knows then." Nabiki grinned wickedly. "Don't worry, I won't let Ranma expose you yet."
"Yet?" Ryoga asked.
"Well Ryoga-baby, you signed a contract that forbids me from telling Akane myself. I don't have to keep anyone else form telling her, and I'm not forbidden from telling anyone else. The only reason I don't let Ranma humiliate you is because it would humiliate me too." Nabiki said with a playful grin. Ryoga on the other hand became very pale. "I'm just kidding!" Nabiki chuckled. "Anyway, once you have a half a million dollars to blow on anything you want, don't you think Akane would be fawning over you whether she loved you or not?" Nabiki asked.
"I want her to love me for me!" Ryoga said simply. "Besides, It wouldn't matter how much money I have, she's not like you." He added. His tone wasn't accusing, it wasn't hostile. It was as if he were stating a fact, which technically he was. Still it made Nabiki's cheeks burn and she promptly threw a bucket of cold water at him, bucket included. She then scooped up the little black piglet that was left in the mound of Ryoga's cloths and dried him off using his own dirty shirt.
"Time to take center stage Ryoga-baby!" Nabiki said.
Ryoga was perched on Nabiki's shoulder like a parrot, he was far too shy to look down at her . . . impressive . . . view. However he found his gaze wandering every now and then, and he had to snap to attention and wait for the never-ending commercials to end!
Ryoga's thoughts looked something like this . . .
'Eyes wander . . . eyes wander . . . ooh . . . those are nice . . . EH! Eyes front!'
Nabiki's thoughts, looked something like . . .
'Money . . . money . . . cute guy in the audience . . . money . . . money . . . Ryoga would be *so* sexy in that sweater . . . money . . . ooh, and that other sweater is green-like the one million American dollars I'm about to win!'
Then came the pie-eating contest. Apparently, there had been an extension of time on the show, and so the pets jumped to eating pies. Phil didn't seem particularly worried that cherry pie might not be entirely healthy for a dog, a pig and a panda, but then again neither did anyone else.
Nabiki frowned when Ryoga fell into his pie and was lost. "Ry-P-Chan! He'll drown in a sea of cherries!" She cried.
Ranma's thoughts however, resembled this.
'I say! Jolly good show wot? Father certainly can tuck into those pies I say! Now where ever did Ryoga get off to? I must expose him to my beloved Akane after all . . .'
WAIT A SECOND! THAT'S NOT RANMA'S THOUGHTS! Sorry for the mix up–here is Ranma's thoughts . . .
'Where's that punk Ryoga? Jeez! Look at Pop scoff those pies down-I'm ashamed to be his son I tell ya! Okay Ryoga, I got me a nice big enchanted fire hose, I'll turn ya into a boy in front of Akane and she'll . . . wait a second . . . how does ruining Ryoga's life harm Nabiki? I swore to Ryoga I wouldnt expose him . . . No matter, I'm sure I'll figure it out later.'
Genma on the other hand, thought 'Gross! I HATE cherry pie! No wait . . . I love cherry pie! More! More! More! I haven't eaten this good since I stole that cart from Ukyo!'
And Akane was thinking . . .
'I wonder where Ranma went too . . . I'd really love for him to sit with me-no I wouldn't! I hope he's gotten himself good and lost like Ryoga! Hey . . . where is Ryoga? I thought he'd want to see Nabiki and P-Chan's big day on WPDDC! I hope he and Ranma aren't fighting again! I bet they are! I'll beat them both to a bloody pulp! I'll skin them both alive and eat their male organs!'
And Kasumi, who sat next to Akane . . .
'Oh dear! Poor P-Chan isn't eating his pie nearly as fast as uncle Saotome. Nabiki must be so embarrassed to be losing already! I wonder where Ryoga is . . . he's so fine . . . man I'd love to get me a piece of *that* . . . hot young stud like him, I'd show him a thing or two about girls . . . Ryoga rocks my world . . . just like Grimm . . . oh if I could be sandwiched between those two-
***
Kasumi: Hey!
Grimm: I'm sorry! I'm sorry!
Kasumi: I'm the non-violent type so I don't usually say this . . . but if you do that again I'll beat the tar out of you and use it to patch up the roof, after I rip all your non-vital organs out of you with my bare hands. Thank you.
Grimm: Okay! Jeez, you try to tell a joke and she threatens to rip out your insides!
***
Anyway . . . Kasumi's thoughts weren't important. No . . . no of course not. But as Ryoga swam through the pie, he was thinking of how extremely hot it was! Luckily he didn't become human, because that would just suck. Only in his strangest of dreams did he imagine being a human pie-and that had been a nightmare involving Kodachi being a blueberry pie and them eating each other.
It was something he didn't really want to imagine ever again but as he more or less sucked up the pie he couldn't help but remember it and shudder. He felt like he would throw up.
'Throw up on Mercedes' pie, he'll never notice!' Ryoga thought.
To his horror Mercedes actually glomped down and ate the pie tin-which Ryoga realized, also to his horror, he'd gotten lost in.
'I know my sense of direction is bad, but how the heck did *that* happen?' Ryoga thought. In horror Ryoga started avoiding the dog's evil teeth and took refuge in Genma's pie. Genma became as dangerous as Mercedes, chowing down, it scared Ryoga because he'd though pandas just ate bamboo but apparently Genma had a taste for pork as well.
"And we have a winner!" Phil cried. "P-Chan!"
"But Azusa's Mercedes finished him pie first!" Azusa cried.
"Yes, and as stupid as it looked doing it, the little black pig jumping from pie to pie avoiding chomping by a giant panda and a ravenous German Shepherd was just friggin hilarious!" Phil said. "THAT is a stupid pet!"
"He sure is." Nabiki said. "Just watch, I'll show you!" She picked Ryoga up. "P-Chan, walk to our host."
Ryoga did this. He ended up walking into Soun who glared at him.
"You may be cute, but Saotome and I are going to win this!" He hissed.
"That's a dumb pig." Phil shrugged.
"It gets worse." Nabiki said. She picked him up again, then kissed him. Ryoga involuntarily became a statue. Nabiki set him down and set her drink on his head.
"A piglet table . . . very interesting." Phil nodded. "Okay, our next event is the free for all battle. Now folks I know you're thinking-a little piglet against a huge dog and a panda? Well this pig is a real fighter-we've established that. I fear for the dog more than anyone else."
"We're not supposed to let the pets fight. Our producers won't like this!" The host's assistant said.
Then Phil pointed to a pair of really fat guys who looked real rich and were wearing sci-fi T-shirts. They did a high five then showed thumbs up. "Oh . . . well maybe they will." The assistant frowned.
"Alright P-Chan, you can do this!" Nabiki said excitedly. "Uncle Saotome will be your biggest problem, but you can take him, I know you can!" Nabiki said, Ryoga noticed her cheeks were turning red and her eyes were glazing over, she was all but drooling. "A million dollars P-Chan! We can do this! GO FOR IT!" She threw him into the little arena.
Yes there was a little arena set up for the fighters! It shocked and scared Ryoga. Then Genma came out dressed as a gladiator, though he still had his cute dress on under the armor. If P-Chan had had pants he might have wet them from fear and from laughing. Ryoga instead just stared blankly.
Then came Mercedes, with a fake lion costume to make it look like a . . . well a lion. Ryoga laughed.
"KEE-KEE-KEE!"
"RRRRROOOOOAAAAARRRRRRR!" Mercedes roared like a lion! Ryoga stopped laughing.
The combat began, the battle for freedom waged, Ryoga used his . . . well piggy bouncing technique to bounce around the arena like a pinball. Really he did more damage to himself than to his opponents, but the crowd ate that up, laughing that the pig could bounce.
Ryoga was so humiliated by this whole thing. Nabiki showing off how bad his sense of direction was, then kissing him, then throwing him into the arena without so much as a "you ready?" and then now his own stupidity at thinking the bouncing piglet technique, which worked so well on Ranma, might actually win the battle without humiliating him more. Oh gods this was bad.
Ryoga blamed Nabiki thoroughly. He'd win this just to be free of her! He had to win-oops, there's Mercedes' mouth.
However Ranma then showed up.
"Nabiki! I'll teach ya to mess with ME! If you won't fight me in a normal re-match I'll jez have to mess ya up in yer own field of play!"
"Ranma!" Nabiki shouted. "Get down from there!"
Ranma shook his head, standing on the arena's wall. He pointed a fire hose down at the fighters.
"Prepare to suck on hot water P-Chan!" He shouted.
'RANMA!' Ryoga shouted in his head.
'BOY!' Genma shouted in his head.
'PIG IS FOOD!' Mercedes shouted in his head.
Ranma turned on the fire hose and the entire arena was filled with boiling hot water. Ryoga squealed but his piglet snout became a mouth and his squeal became a shout of anger.
"SSAAOTTTOOOOMMMMEEEEE!" He yelled at the top of his lungs.
Ryoga was soon chest deep in hot boiling water, it hurt but the alternative was leaping above water level and . . . exposing himself.
Genma was now a very elegantly dressed man. Elegantly dressed as a woman that is. And Mercedes was a very wet and very angry looking dog.
But at least Genma was wearing cloths. However Ryoga was amazed as Nabiki soon came to his rescue, throwing him a pair of pants. Which Ranma intercepted.
"Haha! Lookit yer P-Chan now Akane! YEE-HAW! I've done it! I've beat Nabiki!"
"You've humiliated Ryoga." Nabiki spat.
"And you know how he gets when he's humiliated." Kasumi said.
"Oh . . . I knew there was a problem with my plan . . ." Ranma frowned. Everyone expected Ryoga to jump up and kill Ranma right then and there. The only thing that stopped him, besides the fact that he had no cloths, was that he wasn't entirely sure if, once he got up there he'd go after Ranma, or Nabiki.
And did they really think him some sort of violent maniac? Well he supposed he'd given them plenty of evidence suggesting that he was.
"Take these Ryoga! Destroy Ranma Saotome for me!" Mousse shouted, throwing Ryoga a pair of pants, which Ryoga suddenly recognized as his own.
"Where the heck did you get-forget it, thanks Mousse!" Ryoga quickly dressed. Then he leapt out of the water, followed by Genma and Mercedes.
"You hold him, I'll punch!" Genma offered.
"Just a second here." Phil said, intervening-Ryoga thought-to save Ranma. Instead he held up his watch. "One minute left and I'm afraid it's up to the fans who wins."
"Forget that!" Ryoga cried. "I've got myself a rat to kill!"
"Could you perhaps, do it as a pig?" Phil asked.
"It doesn't bother you that he just turned from a pig to a human?" Ranma asked.
"I've been to Harvard, kid, I've seen it all. This is pretty mild actually."
"Oh-ho."
"I want to go to Harvard!" Nabiki said.
"Lets get the votes in!" Phil announced.
"WELL . . . Looks like . . . in first place is . . . Azusa and Mercedes since they were the only ones who were actually a pet/owner team instead of a transformer/owner team! Congratulations Azusa!"
"Azusa wins her Charlotte!" Azusa cried.
"If that's what you want to call it." Phil shrugged. "But what you've won is a trip for two to Hawaii, and a million dollars."
"WWEEE!" Azusa cried. "Give Azusa her Charlotte mean girl!"
Nabiki threw her arms around Ryoga. "You can't have him! He's mine!"
"Mean girl made a deal with Azusa! Azusa signed a contract!"
"Azusa signed the contract, but I didn't, it's called a loop hole you idiot!" Nabiki scoffed. "If we won I'd have made you pay up, yet if we lost the entire contract is useless because I "forgot" to sign."
"NNNOOOO!" Azusa cried.
"Oh Nabiki!" Ryoga said. "Thank you so much!"
"I had to save you Ryoga . . . I cant let anyone take you from me." Nabiki said. "Because I love you!" They kissed and lived happily ever after. They went on to become happily married, had twelve kids and lived on a nice big house somewhere along the coast of Maine.
Ryoga: Yeah that's how it COULD have happened. Try this.
"WELL . . . Looks like . . . in first place is . . . Nabiki and P-Chan the transforming pig!"
"YES!" Ryoga cried. "I'm free!"
"I'm rich!" Nabiki cried.
"NNNOOO!" Ranma cried. "I still haven't gotten revenge on Nabiki!"
"Ah-ah!" Kasumi said. "You have gotten revenge on her. Just think. She's won this contest and she agreed to give you a share of the winnings. Less money for her."
"YES!" Ranma cried.
"What? I didn't agree to that!"
"It was a verbal agreement." Ryoga said.
"NO!" Nabiki whined. She glared at Ranma. "I'll get you for this!"
"Yay! Saotome School of Anything Goes Swindling! I've beaten Nabiki at her own game!"
"That's my boy!" Genma cried.
"Don't worry Nabiki." Kasumi said. "I'm sure that when you and Ryoga get married you can swindle him out of his share of the winnings, leaving you with even more than the half you would have gotten."
"What makes you think we're getting married?" Nabiki demanded.
"Akane told daddy you two were sleeping together, he contacted Ryoga's parents, you two will be getting married at sundown today."
"CRAP!" Nabiki shouted.
"CRAP!" Ryoga agreed.
"I think they'll be so happy together!" Kasumi said.
Kasumi: I really do think that. But that's not how it happened EITHER!
Nabiki: HERE is how it really happened. Promise.
"WELL . . . Looks like . . . in first place is . . . Soun Tendo and his panda Jennifer!"
"Yay!" Kasumi cried.
"We've won Tendo!" Genma cried.
"How did it happen?" Soun asked. "I thought we were disqualified for sure!"
"Well . . ." Phil began. "Your comrade over there looked really really dumb dressed up as a woman. And since the point of this show is to find the dumbest pets you've won. At a close second was Azusa and Mercedes because he looked so stupid as a lion. However third place goes to Nabiki and P-Chan, because just about everyone thought the pig was cute, then the girls thought the boy was cute but the guys who make up the majority of our audience didn't
appreciate seeing one of their own in his birthday suit and went for the guy wearing a dress."
Ryoga's jaw dropped. They'd lost! They'd come in last! Azusa now owned him! He'd lost his chance at freedom and it was ALL Ranma's fault!
He was about to say something, when he heard a soft sob behind him. He turned and saw Akane.
"What did you do with my P-Chan?" She demanded.
"Weren't you paying attention?" Ranma snapped. "He IS P-Chan!"
"Y-you . . . you went to China and got cursed . . . so you could pretend to be P-Chan on this show . . . but what did you do with MY P-Chan?"
"He IS yer P-Chan." Ranma said.
Akane glared at Ryoga. "N-no! He can't be my P-Chan! My P-Chan was just a little piggy, he wasn't some . . . some . . . some big mean violent jerk!" Akane cried, slapping Ryoga. "You were P-Chan weren't you? The whole time I'll bet!"
"I wont lie to you, I wa-"
"But you DID! You did lie!" Akane shouted.
Ryoga hung his head. "Yeah. I was P-Chan." He mumbled. "The whole time."
"How could you?" Akane lunged for him, Kasumi quickly, and with surprising strength held her back. Akane flailed then glared at Nabiki. "And *you* knew too! Didn't you? Why didn't you tell me!?"
Nabiki shrugged and stood next to Ryoga. "You never asked." She said.
"HOW COULD YOU?!" Akane cried.
"It was easy." Nabiki shrugged.
"I paid Nabiki not to tell you." Ryoga said. "And she only accepted because I promised her I'd confess."
"LIES!" Ranma cried.
Kasumi actually let Akane go so she could chase after Ranma. Kasumi shook her head and looked at Ryoga. "My-my. Perhaps some time you can tell us all how you became a pig, and what possessed you to pose as my sister's pet. However for now we are in public, cameras are rolling and soon we'll be the envy of every major soap opera. I should know because I watch them and not one of them is this good. I will try to calm Akane, Nabiki would you please take Ryoga someplace and come back home in three hours? I should have everything straitened out by then."
"What are we supposed to do for three hours?" Ryoga asked.
"Nothing." Azusa said. "Because you are coming home with Azusa!"
"No he's not, you didn't win the contest." Nabiki said. "You came in second. Shut down baby, he's still mine."
"Still yours?" Ryoga frowned. "I don't feel like belonging to anyone."
"Tough." Nabiki said, taking his arm. "Because you do. C'mon let's take a little trip."
"To where?" Ryoga frowned.
Later that day . . . at THE MALL
"Nothing gets my mind off the loss of money better than spending some." Nabiki explained as she looked through various cloths shops. "And since you're strong, I'll wager you can carry twice as much as I usually do. And since daddy just won a million dollars we should be just fine when it comes to credit."
"Has it been three hours yet?" Ryoga asked.
"Just half an hour, honey."
"Don't call me that." Ryoga sighed.
Nabiki grinned wickedly. "I *like* calling you that." She shrugged. "We can see a movie if you want."
"This mall is huge. Do you even remember where the exit is?"
"I have a map." Nabiki said. "Lets see . . . now here was are in Teal sector, we need to get to the Apple-Red sector where all the jewelry stores are. The exits should be in Violet sector, and . . . wait, maybe this sector is apple red . . ."
"It's cran-apple." Ryoga said.
Nabiki looked at him for a moment. "You know colors?"
"Yes. And we're not in teal sector, we're in turquoise sector, you've gotten us lost."
"WHOA!" Nabiki gasped. "*You* of all people, accusing me of getting us lost?"
"Yes." Ryoga shrugged. "I've been lost a lot, I know when I'm lost and I know when it's my fault. Usually it is my fault but for once I knew exactly where we were going so I blame it on you."
Nabiki smiled. "Oh I blame *you*. I told you that you were rubbing off on me."
"I think you may be color blind. The difference between turquoise and teal is self evident."
"Whatever." Nabiki shrugged. "If you know your way around then why don't you lead us to Indigo sector and the food courts?"
"Because I think we should be thinking of ways to apologize to Akane without her killing us before we finish the sentence."
"Yes, we can talk that over later." Nabiki said. "I think we may just have found a cure for your directional problems."
"I know the colors, I don't know directions." Ryoga shrugged.
"I'll bet." Nabiki grinned. "Let's just see about that."
A hour later . . .
"I told you, I know colors, I don't know directions." Ryoga said.
"I hate you." Nabiki sighed. The both of them were now thoroughly lost. Nabiki didn't know the stupid color sectors well enough to find an exit, and Ryoga, though he knew the colors didn't know which direction to go to find the next sector.
"This is all your fault." Ryoga said. "Oh-sorry. That was your line."
"Yer darn straight it's my line." Nabiki said. "I'm lost in a mall! That's not right at all!"
"You did manage to rhyme." Ryoga said.
"I do that all the time." Nabiki grinned.
"You can stop that now." Ryoga sighed. 'Akane is going to kill me when we get back, maybe being lost isn't such a bad thing. And besides, I've got company. Granted that Nabiki is the last person I want to be lost with and a mall is the last place I want to be lost in, the alternative is explaining to Akane what I don't fully understand myself . . . hey I should write a poem about this, or a short story, I bet the magazines would eat it up!' Ryoga thought.
Nabiki sighed again. "So . . . what sector is this?" She asked.
"We're in Lavender."
"I've never even heard of some of these colors." Nabiki said.
"Well . . . let me see the map." Ryoga said. "Lets see now . . . we're not too far off, Lavender is right next to Indigo sector and those food courts you wanted to go to. We just have to walk around until we smell food. Then Indigo is right next to Violet and the exit so we just walk around from there until we smell fresh air."
"How can you know what fresh air smells like?" Nabiki demanded.
Ryoga shrugged. "I dunno. It sounded really smart though, didn't it?"
"No." Nabiki shook her head. "Now I know how you feel being lost all the time. Okay we'll go with your idea since you are the expert." Nabiki said.
They ended up in Mauve sector, which cruelly intersects into Lavender sector without warning and leads to Orange sector and so on and so forth. Five hours passed before finally Ryoga and Nabiki managed to escape the mall.
"Okay!" Nabiki said. "I can take it from here. Ahem . . . did we come out the wrong exit? No! No! You really are starting to affect me Ryoga! I blame this whole incident on you!"
"It's not my fault you're color blind." Ryoga said.
"I'm not! I just don't know the difference between Berry Blue and Sky Blue!"
"One is light like the sky, the other is dark like a blue berry." Ryoga said. "That's an easy one."
"I hate you." Nabiki sighed. She grinned wickedly and grabbed Ryoga's arm. "What shall we tell Akane when we get home?"
"I haven't thought of that." Ryoga admitted. Nabiki smiled at him, which seemed to make him nervous.
"I know exactly what we'll tell her." Nabiki assured Ryoga. He didn't look assured. She kissed him on the cheek, he still didn't look assured but at least he didn't start whimpering like the last time they'd kissed.
Then again, Nabiki had to ask herself why she'd kissed him at all.
No time, before she knew it their little walk was at it's end and they were just outside the Tendo home. Nabiki was about to knock on the door. Ranma opened it quickly, Nabiki knocked anyway, whacking Ranma on the head as hard as she could.
"Oh! Sorry Ranma, I didn't see you there." She lied.
"Yeah, sure." Ranma said, rubbing his head. "Anyway, Kasumi wants to see you two."
"Oh! Nabiki and Ryoga are home!" Akane cried . . . happily!
"AAHHH! Akane is home!" Ryoga cried.
"Well where did you *think* she would be?" Nabiki demanded.
Ranma led Nabiki and Ryoga over to the kitchen where Kasumi was washing dishes. Nabiki silently cursed that she'd missed dinner. "Whazzap?" She asked.
"Oh! Nabiki, Ryoga. So good of you to come. I was afraid you'd gotten lost."
"We did." Ryoga said. "Your sister can't tell the difference between Sky blue and Berry blue."
"Oh Nabiki!" Kasumi gasped. "It's so easy! One of light like the sky, the other is dark like a blue berry."
"I hate you so much, Ryoga." Nabiki sighed.
"Anyway, father and uncle Saotome have gone to Hawaii already. Or rather Father, Auntie Saotome and Jennifer the Panda have gone to Hawaii. I've been charged with keeping an eye on things."
"Good for you." Nabiki said.
"Yes, well I'm glad you brought Ryoga back because I'd like to ask him to stay here until father and uncle Saotome get home."
'Like he has a choice-tehehe' Nabiki thought. She said "I'm sure he won't mind, right Ryoga?"
"We'll actually I think I should be as far away from Akane as possible until I can find the right words to apologize-"
"No need, it's done." Kasumi said calmly.
"What?" Nabiki asked.
"It was very simple." Kasumi said with a smile. "I simply told her that the only reason Ryoga pretended to be P-Chan was because I felt she could use a friend, and I told her that I'd asked you to play that role. Since I *was* there that night we saw you and Ranma fighting and you first became P-Chan my story was believable. Furthermore Akane had never undressed in front of P-Chan or told the piglet any embarrassing secrets that the entire population of Nerima didn't already know so there was no reason for her to desire your death from personal embarrassment.
To top things off I also stated that you have no memory of things you do or see as a pig. By then she was to busy praising what a good friend you were to care."
"How'd THAT happen?" Nabiki cried. "If you told me you'd hired some transforming freak-no offense Ryoga-to be my pet I'd be ticked off!"
"Freak?" Ryoga asked. Nabiki ignored him as Kasumi explained various reasons that Akane had fallen for it, one of them being that Akane was simply stupid. Kasumi also explained that she'd "secretly hired" Ryoga as a mercenary to guard the Tendo home and having him be a pet pig was the perfect cover-though she'd not meant for Akane to find the pig and name it and so on. Nabiki wondered how Akane could have fallen for a story with so many plot holes. Then Kasumi brought out the statement that made the most sense. "And let us not forget that Akane is not the brightest star in the sky, I love her, but she's an idiot."
"Perfect match for Ryoga." Nabiki nodded.
"Oh, so now I'm a freak *and* an idiot!?" Ryoga demanded.
"An Idiot-Freak, yes." Nabiki said. "But you're *my* idiot-freak."
"Why don't I like the way you said that?" Ryoga asked.
"Beats me." Nabiki shrugged. She looked at Kasumi who 'ahem'ed and raised her hand.
"Let us also not forget that I've saved Ryoga's bacon, literally. I expect payment, thus while father and uncle Saotome are away Ryoga will guard our house and help me with the cleaning and such. If you want to help me prepare dinner as well that's fine too." Kasumi said. "But you are frankly my slave until father and uncle Saotome come back."
"You two *are* sisters!" Ryoga cried. Nabiki had to admit she'd thought of herself as sort of the black sheep of the family but Kasumi was . . . well admirable in her clever trap. It worked so much better than a contract, if Ryoga betrayed her Kasumi need only tell Akane the truth.
"I love you *sister*." Nabiki said.
"I love you too." Kasumi said.
"I'm not especially fond of you." Ryoga noted.
"That's too bad." Nabiki sighed. "'Cause I just love you so much!" Nabiki squeezed him. Ryoga turned red.
"That's enough of that." Kasumi said. "I'm sure you two must be hungry, I saved some diner for you-it isn't much because I spent so much time saying goodbye to father and uncle Saotome."
"They left already?" Ryoga asked.
"Yes, I believe I said that a while ago."
"Oh . . . yeah." Ryoga nodded. "So now I'm the slave of two masters."
"Mistresses." Nabiki corrected.
"I hate my life."
"It can get better if you let it." Kasumi said calmly. "At least that's what that lady on daytime talk says. And tomorrow you can stay home with me instead of going to school with Nabiki-we'll get some house work done and you can watch soap operas with me-I just *have* to show you Weeks of Our Lives."
To Be Continued . . .
The Commentary . . .
GrimmZ: The time has come, my fellow authors! Those of us about to die, salute you!
Ryoga: Those of us about to die?
GrimmZ: Did you like the end of the show?
Nabiki: I thought it was going to be Ryoga and me!
Ryoga: Yeah! Then a nice romantic getaway on Hawaii!
GrimmZ: Romantic? I guess Ryoga has never been to Hawaii. Anyway, I had to make a choice.
That could have gone one of three ways! First, Nabiki and Ryoga could win and go to Hawaii (guess what happens THEN!) Or Soun and Genma can go, leaving all three Tendo children and Ranma and Ryoga alone without adult supervision (unless you count Kasumi) or Azusa and Mercedes can win and we get rid of her for the rest of the story!
Nabiki: AHHH-ZUUUU-SAHHH! MERR-SEEEEE-DEEESSSSS!
GrimmZ: Too late.
Nabiki: DAMN!
Ryoga: I think GrimmZ made the right choice. Now I can make out with Nabiki and not have to worry about getting caught!
Nabiki: What about Kasumi?
Ryoga: Not my type.
Nabiki: You moron! I meant what if SHE catches you?
Ryoga: . . . well in my fantasies she always joins in.
Nabiki: You are so dead . . .
Next Chapter . . .
"Kasumi is going to go to the hospital pretty soon, and I'll be in charge of the house. And you for that matter." Nabiki said. "Just a heads up, I think there's some house work Kasumi forgot to do."
"Hospital? Is she okay?" Ryoga asked.
"She's going to see Tofu, he's being committed to a mental institution. 'Bout bloody time if you ask me, anyone who's that nuts over Kasumi and wields a chainsaw ought to be locked up." Nabiki said.
"Umm . . . Nabiki?" Ryoga asked.
"What?" Nabiki asked, turning to him. He had his chance! He lunged forward, wrapped his arms around her and tried to kiss her.