Disclaimer: I forgot to mention I don't own Hamtaro. Otherwise see previous chapters for all your disclaiming needs.
Charlotte's Web
Chapter 11
My Kingdom for a Kiss
"Oh please don't go!" Lori cried. "I'll do anything Gray, please don't leave me!"
"But I must. For you see, Andrea is my one true love. I care for you, but I know that I've already found my soul mate. In time, you too will find yours."
"But what about our baby?"
"I . . . I . . . it's just to painful to think about. I'm sorry Lori, you'll have to raise little Duncan on your own."
"But he needs his father! Oh don't leave me Bob!"
"Gary." Gray corrected her.
"Don't leave me Gray!"
"I . . . have to. I'll always love you though, good bye."
"But you just said you loved Andrea!"
"Oh yeah . . . I was lying. I'll always love Andrea, I just didn't want to be rude, I mean I did knock you up and everything. See ya 'round." Gray said, he waved and walked out the door.
"Oh Gray! I shall never love again!" Lori screamed.
"Oh Lori! What's happened?" Ray, Gray's evil twin asked.
"Oh Ray! Gray left me when I . . . when I told him the baby was really yours!"
"But we've never slept together!"
"Darn it!"
"But don't worry Lori, I'll take care of this child as if it were my own!" Ray said.
"You're really stupid! Yay!"
And so Lori and Ray hugged and then had sex and lived happily ever after for the next five minutes. Then Gray came back in. "I've broken up with Andrea!" He said. "I'm in love with YOU Lori! I need you-RAY! My evil twin brother! In bed with MY Lori!"
"Yo." Ray said, giving his brother thumbs up. "She's great!"
"I'll kill you!" Gray shouted.
"Yay! My lover and the father of my child has returned to me!"
"You mean-" Ray gasped. "You were just using me for sex?"
"Of course." Lori shrugged.
"But your six months pregnant!" Ray cried.
"Your point?" Lori raised an eyebrow.
"Die Ray!" Gray shouted, shooting Ray in the head five times. Lori threw herself at Gray.
"Oh Gray! My hero! Let's have sex!"
"Yes!" Gray agreed. "But first, one of those llloooooonnnggg drawn out and overly dramatic kissing scenes."
"Oh yay!" Lori squealed.
------------------
"You watch this sort of thing?" Ryoga demanded. "This is so . . . so stupid!"
"I know!" Kasumi said. "Gray KNOWS that Andrea is having twins!"
"You're nuts if you think those twins are his." Ryoga said. "They're Bob's."
"Bob doesn't even like Andrea!" Kasumi protested.
"Yeah, but he wasn't opposed some casual unprotected sex." Ryoga said.
Kasumi grinned. "I thought you said this was stupid Ryoga. Why then, do you pay such close attention to it?"
"I eh . . . no reason."
------------------
"Oh Gray! You're back!" Andrea cried.
"I'm not Gray, I'm Ray!" Ray said.
"Oh!"
(Ryoga: Hey! He just got shot in the head five times!)
"Andrea, I need you! Gray has decided to stay with Lori, he'll abandon you, but I'll always love you!"
"Oh Roy-"
"Ray." He corrected her.
"Ray. I've loved you since the day I met you-today-and I can think of no one I'd rather be with!"
"Darn straight." Ray said.
(Ryoga: This makes no sense! Ray is supposed to be marrying Josephine in two days!)
(Kasumi: Silence! Watch the long drawn our kissing scene!)
And so there was a long drawn out kissing scene.
-----------------
Ryoga frowned. "Kasumi . . . this show is . . . it's so stupid!"
"Oh? Well you're right. I'm tired of it anyway, let's watch As The Earth Spins." Kasumi offered. "It's a soap about astronauts in a space station." Kasumi said, wiping her eyes. "Oh I can't believe Ray and Andrea finally got together!"
"What'cha mean 'finally'? They only met each other this same episode!" Ryoga said.
Yes life in the Tendo Mansion (They had added a card board box to the side of the house to serve as Ryoga's storage closet for all his things and for some reason the little box made the entire house look like a mansion) was quite good. Ranma, Nabiki and Akane went to school, Ryoga stayed home with Kasumi and did her bidding. Thankfully she was a much easier taskmaster than Nabiki. Best of all, the old master Happosai generally kept to himself. The Ninjas were long gone, Azusa was . . . we'll they'd sort of left her at the WPDDC show, no one knew or cared what happened to her after that.
However it was not until that night, while Ranma and Akane were off in Akane's room doing something that made the walls shake and involved Akane screaming things like "Give it to me harder" or "I'm such a bad girl, spank me s'more!" that Nabiki managed to ask Kasumi the question that had been at the back of her mind for all of two days.
"Why'd you help Ryoga out in the first place?" Nabiki asked. "I mean, I could come up with a good lie to get myself out of trouble if it was me you were trying to protect."
"I wasn't. I know you can handle yourself. I just thought you might want *your* Ryoga around a little longer, and a little more often." Kasumi said. "Grant if you will that you kept him around plenty often before."
"Lies!"
Kasumi sighed. "Is that so? Tell me then, Nabiki: why is it that you keep Ryoga as your slave?"
"So he can do my chores."
"What chores?" Kasumi asked. "I do just about everything around here." Nabiki was silent for a long time, so Kasumi continued. "It seems to me that there is something going on between you two. I plan to keep Ryoga around until he tells me what it is."
"Since when are you so nosy?" Nabiki asked.
"I'm not. I'm simply worried that my little sister might lose her virginity before me."
"DEEPER RANMA!" Akane shouted from upstairs.
"You're not a virgin You lost it when you were eighteen, you told me! Besides, what do you suppose *they* are doing?" Nabiki growled.
"I am as much a virgin as you are an ice cream addict. As for Ranma and Akane, they are playing Monopoly. If they were having sex, which they seem to want us to believe they are doing, they'd be quieter about it." Kasumi said. "Whereas Akane is the only one screaming and moaning so I'd suspect she's beating Ranma at whatever game they're playing."
"Like *that's* hard to do." Nabiki scoffed.
"Yes, but consider what a sore loser Akane is, and how happy she is when she does win."
"YOU ROCK MY WORLD RANMA! DEEPER BABY! GO DEEPER!"
"Are you sure they are playing Monopoly? Why is she telling him to go deeper?"
"Uh . . . well . . . eh . . . oh dear." Kasumi frowned.
"DEEPER IN DEBT RANMA! DEEPER IN DEBT!"
"Oh, okay that explains everything." Kasumi said.
"Does it now?" Nabiki scowled.
"Certainly. Akane wants Ranma to go into a deeper debt." Kasumi said.
"THAT'S RIGHT! WE'RE NOT HAVING SEX! OH GOD RANMA IT'S SOO GOOOOD!"
"That's it, I'm going up there!" Nabiki snapped.
"Don't bother." Kasumi said. "I no longer think I want to know what's going on up there."
"Oh sure. And here you are accusing me and Ryoga of such things."
"Well I guess I'll just have to make sure you two never *do* get the chance to do that sort of thing." Kasumi said happily.
"Oh like fun you will!" Nabiki hissed. "If I wanted to I'd find a way you hear me!? I'll wait until you've left for the market or something, then me and Ryoga will give Ranma and Akane some competition!" Nabiki paused as if to listen to her own words, then frowned and added quickly; "Is . . . what I would be saying if I liked Ryoga in that way. But I don't . . . I'll be good!"
Kasumi help up a tape recorder. "Will you now?"
"I was just kidding!" Nabiki cried.
"This is so much fun!" Kasumi squealed. "Now, do be a sweetie and pay me for my silence."
"Oh why you-I'll get you-you'll see!" Nabiki growled and paid Kasumi for the tape. "I was just kidding!"
"Sure you were." Kasumi grinned. "You know I'm starting to see why you like doing this to people. But I will use my money for good causes."
"You think I don't!?" Nabiki demanded.
"Ice cream is *not* a good cause. Not a bad cause, but it isn't necessarily a *good* cause." Kasumi said.
"Aww shaddap." Nabiki growled. 'I'm getting all screwed up, Kasumi should NEVER have gotten her hands on MY money! I'm too distracted, I blame Ryoga!' Nabiki thought. 'I'll have to make him pay me back the money I gave to Kasumi . . .'
"Oh Betty! I didn't mean to put the alcohol in your soda!"
"But Billy, how can you expect me to believe that you accidentally spiked my drink?"
"Eh . . . eh . . . I love you so much!"
"Yay!"
-------------
"How can she believe that?" Ryoga cried.
"But love can find you at any time." Kasumi said.
"Yeah, but he doesnt love her! He just wanted to get laid!" Ryoga asked. "What kind of audience are they trying to advertise to?"
"You're right, we should change the-"
"Don't touch that dial!" Ryoga cried.
-------------
"Oh! Hi Billy!" Andrea said.
"Hi sis! Betty and I are gonna go and eh . . . do it now. Bye!"
"Well okay, have fun!"
-------------
"Andrea is Billy's sister?! But she's Betty's aunt!" Ryoga cried.
"No, you're thinking of Angora." Kasumi corrected. "Andrea's evil twin sister who is also possessed by the devil!"
". . . So many evil twins on this show!"
"But that is how ALL soaps are."
"So not true!" Ryoga said. "I admit most make less sense than this, some make more."
"Oh really." Kasumi scoffed. "Soaps are fun and romantic, but they are completely false."
"No! No I don't believe you! If Lori and Gray's love isn't real what is?" Ryoga cried.
"Oh Ryoga, poor, poor silly Ryoga. Take for example, the kiss. They kiss for a full on sixty seconds. They don't breathe. It's ridiculous, no one kisses that way."
"Not true!" Ryoga cried. "This show is love as it should be, you can't tell me it isn't real!"
"Ryoga . . . it's just a show. More real than any anime or cartoon mind you, but still not really real."
"ANIME ISN'T REAL?" Ryoga cried. "NO! No! It can't be true!" He ran off screaming.
Kasumi shook her head. "Poor boy. Good thing I didn't tell him about Santa."
"What about Santa?" Nabiki asked, coming through the door.
"Oh! Welcome home Nabiki! School ended early?"
"It's eh . . . Kasumi it's Saturday. Are you feeling okay?"
"Certainly."
"Good. Now what's that about Santa?"
"Oh, I was just thinking it was a good thing I didn't tell Ryoga he wasn't real."
"HE'S NOT?!" Nabiki screamed. "No! No! Nothing good can come of this news! I must find something black to wear as I go into mourning!"
"Uh . . . Nabiki . . . you already *know* Santa isn't real." Kasumi frowned.
"Hmm? Why so I do . . ." Nabiki grinned, sitting down on the couch next to Kasumi. "What's going on anyway?"
"Oh I just got done telling Ryoga that soap operas weren't real."
"WAH!" Ryoga sobbed from his hiding place (a closet)
"He's taking it pretty hard." Nabiki frowned.
"Oh no, he took it rather well. It was when I told him that Anime wasn't real that he broke."
"But Kasumi . . . if Anime isn't real . . . then we're . . ."
"Yes?" Kasumi asked.
Nabiki shook her head. Kasumi wondered what it was that everyone found so hard to believe about Anime not being real. "Never mind." Nabiki sighed.
Kasumi smiled. "Anyway Nabiki, I have a deal for you."
"Which is?" Nabiki asked.
"I'm going to the mental institute where I heard they just moved Dr. Tofu. I'm bringing him these cookies . . . oh dear, half of them are gone."
"Wonder(crunch)how that happened(munch)who could be a cookie thief? I bet its(chew)Akane." Nabiki said, with her mouth full like a squirrel storing nuts. Kasumi wonderd how the heck her sister managed to stay so thin.
"Oh well. I'm sure they won't let him have them anyway. It's the gesture that counts."
"Mm-hmm."
"So anyway Nabiki, you are in charge until I get home. The deal is this: If you can keep the house in one piece until I return, I'll buy a gallon of ice cream when I get back."
"Done! Wait . . . NO! I hate the kind that comes in the gallon. It isn't worth it-be gone pretender." Nabiki scoffed.
"But all you have to do is make sure all four walls are still up when I get back-and the ice cream is yours . . . free . . ."
"Don't . . . tempt me . . . must . . . not . . . give in-screw it you got a deal." Nabiki nodded.
"Good." Kasumi said. "Oh . . . where is Akane?"
Nabiki frowned. "Hmm . . . eh . . . I dunno . . ."
------------------
FLASHBACK
------------------
"'An if I stand in this phone booth fer five hours it'll increase my martial arts skills?" Ranma asked.
"Yes. But you have to be completely light. No weight on you except your cloths. So I need your house keys, your school books, your watch . . . oh, and any money you might have on you." Nabiki said.
"Done!" Ranma cried.
"Nabiki! That's not nice!"
"Oh! Why hello Akane." Nabiki smiled. "How are you today?"
"Fine! Why are you scamming Ranma?"
"Because he's so stupid I can!" Nabiki said with enthusiasm. Then she became very dark, her voice trembled with rage "And he messed with me and Ryoga, and made us lose that show! I won't let him get away with that, It's my mission to make his life HELL from now on! No one humiliates me and lives! What's more his stunt freed *my* Ryoga from our contract, once his original term is up he's free instead of the endless cycle I had planned for him! It's all Ranma's fault!" Nabiki rambled, no longer aware that she was actually speaking.
"I see . . . Nabiki, can we talk for a moment?"
"No." Nabiki said.
"Please? Can't you spare a moment for your baby sister?" Akane pleaded.
"Curse you woman!" Nabiki spat. "You know I can't resist that "baby sister" bit. Okay what's on your mind." Nabiki asked after locking Ranma in the phone booth.
*Hey! Lemme out'a 'ere you crazy-hey! Don't leave me here! Nabiki! Hey Nabiki! I know where ya live!*
"So, Akane, you were saying?" Nabiki asked.
"How did you and Ryoga get together in the first place Nabiki?"
"Time is money. You want to hear my story, I want a thousand yen."
"Did he save you from disaster like a knight in shining armor? Did you save him? Did you like each other from the start or is this new?"
"Haven't seen my thousand yen yet." Nabiki noted. Akane growled and paid her half the amount demanded.
"It's all I've got! Honest!"
"I see . . ."
"So? Tell me how you and Ryoga got together!"
"Why do you want to know?" Nabiki asked.
"'Cause I saw you two kissing and I just KNOW you're madly in love!" Akane whined. "I want to know how it happened!"
*NABIKI! Hey! Hey this aint funny no more!*
"Okay Akane. Here's the truth. Ryoga and I . . ." Nabiki paused. 'If I tell her that we are not in love, she'll leave us alone. But if I make up a really funny story and I get her interested enough, then I can make her pay me for every sentence!' Nabiki grinned wickedly. "It was a beautiful summer. Ryoga and I met at a sidewalk café in France."
"In France? But what were you two doing in France?"
"Silence you silly girl. You know Ryoga has the worse sense of direction in the world." Nabiki said. "And *I* was in France because . . . eh . . . I'd swindled Kuno-baby out of some first class seats. Yeah-that's it."
"Wow!" Akane said. "Go on!"
"One hundred yen." Nabiki smiled.
"What!?"
"My throat is dry, I'll have to buy a drink. Your one hundred yen would be a great down payment."
"Oh fine!" Akane scowled. "Now tell me more!"
"Sure. Let's see . . . eh . . . eh . . . Ryoga and I . . . eh . . . Oh! Oh I know! Ryoga was lost and I helped him find the airport and I got him a flight home, but it got canceled due to blizzards!"
"But you said it was summer!"
"One hundred yen interruption charge!" Nabiki scowled.
"Fine! Fine here! Continue!" Akane cried.
"So then we left the airport and he had nowhere to go, so I offered him the chance to stay with me at my hotel suite. It's all on the Kuno family bill, but I charged him two hundred eh . . . doubloons, French money, for it anyway. He didn't know what doubloons were so I told him two thousand yen. I'm not sure if that's a fair equivalent, but then again, it didn't care."
"I don't think they use doubloons anymore. And I think doubloons are Spanish. And I think two hundred dabloons would be far more expensive then two thousand yen." Akane said.
"Silence! That's two hundred yen, you've been warned!" Nabiki said.
"Okay fine! But it's all I have I swear!"
"I've heard *that* before." Nabiki said. "Anyway, we talked for a long time then we both decided that Ranma was an evil slime that must DIE!" Nabiki kicked the phone booth and Ranma jumped in surprise. "So we made an alliance. And then partnership became friendship, friendship became love, love led to sex, sex led to teenage pregnancy, you know the drill. Fork over two hundred yen if you want the rest of the story."
"What story? You lied! You never got pregnant! You tricked me that way once, but not again!"
"Of course not!" Nabiki scowled. "You expect me to tell the truth for half price?"
"I don't have any more money." Akane pleaded. "Can't I just owe you?"
"I tell no stories on credit." Nabiki said.
"Okay fine . . . eh . . . here! A thousand yen, please tell me the TRUE story!"
Nabiki inspected the money, then pocketed it. "Very good. Pleasure doing business with you."
"Tell me the story!" Akane pleaded.
"Oh. Righto. How Ryoga and I got together? Nothing to tell, we're not together. I just kept him around to take care of my spring-cleaning. The end." Nabiki smiled.
Akane fell over. She leapt up again and cried, "I want my money back!"
"Who do you think you're talking to?" Nabiki asked. "Hello? It's *me* Nabiki. I don't do refunds."
"But I saw you and Ryoga kiss!"
"That was an accident." Nabiki shrugged.
"Oh YEAH? Well we'll just see about that!" Akane stormed off. Nabiki shrugged. Akane then turned around, stomped back over to Nabiki and said "Before I go, just one question!"
"Yes?"
"If you don't really like Ryoga, is it okay if *I* date him?"
Nabiki's eyes thinned. "You wouldn't want to do that. After all, you're engaged to Ranma."
"What Ranma don't know wont hurt him."
*I'm right HERE!*
Nabiki sighed. "Well if you want to date Ryoga, there is one thing you have to do first."
"What's that?" Akane asked.
"See that telephone booth next to Ranma's? Call Ryoga up and ask him if he likes you."
"Oh! Okay!" Akane walked into the telephone booth, Nabiki closed it behind her sister and locked it with her magical key. *HEY! Hey Nabiki! Wait a second I don't have any money to call Ryoga!*
"Hah! Forget it! You're not dating anyone! Ryoga is MINE! All mine!" Nabiki laughed maniacally. She walked off laughing, leaving two very angry and probably vengeful martial artists trapped in two telephone booths.
---------------
CURRENT
---------------
"Hmm . . . where is Akane . . . haven't got a clue." Nabiki shrugged.
Ryoga Hibiki was lost. He wasn't sure where he was, it was dark, and there wasn't much room to move. He couldn't go very far either because the ceiling was covered in some sort of thick heavy soft things and if he moved to much they fell on him and then he would be crushed.
He sat crouched thinking about what Kasumi had said. "Soaps aren't real" "the kiss is ridiculous" "anime isn't real"
Oh he'd show Kasumi! He'd kiss Akane just like on the soap operas then she'd know that such a kiss was in fact possible! Ryoga thought for a moment . . . Akane was engaged to Ranma . . . and she probably wouldn't like being kissed by the guy who until so recently was her pet. Okay then, Nabiki! 'Heck she kisses P-Chan often enough!' Ryoga thought. 'And she threatens me so often, she'll probably go for it, no problem!'
Then the door opened and who should be standing there but Nabiki herself!
"Ryoga!" She exclaimed. "What are you doing in my closet?"
"I got lost!" Ryoga said. "I had nowhere to go and I ended up in here on accident."
"What ever will I do with you?" She sighed. She helped him up and out of the closet. "Kasumi is going to go to the hospital pretty soon, and I'll be in charge of the house. And you for that matter." Nabiki said. "Just a heads up, I think there's some house work Kasumi forgot to do."
"Hospital? Is she okay?" Ryoga asked.
"She's going to see Tofu, he's being committed to a mental institution. 'Bout bloody time if you ask me, anyone who is that nuts over Kasumi and wields a chainsaw ought to be locked up." Nabiki said.
"Umm . . . Nabiki?" Ryoga asked.
"What?" Nabiki asked, turning to him. He had his chance! He lunged forward, wrapped his arms around her and tried to kiss her.
GrimmZ: And I'll end the chapter right there . . . make you poor people wait to see if he succeeds!
Nabiki: Oh no you WONT!
Their lips touched, and Ryoga felt a surge of adrenaline, his heart pounded faster and faster in his chest, and he felt weakened for the first time in his life-without having been in a fight that is-but he found this all quite enjoyable. Until of course Nabiki surprised him by wrapping her arms around him, and forcing her tongue into his mouth. They broke their kiss immediately.
"What was *that* for?!" Ryoga demanded.
"I should darn well ask you the same thing! I had to stop you somehow!" Nabiki said, though Ryoga could tell she was lying. She leaned forward again, and her lips brushed gently against his, before anything else could happen though . . .
"HAH!" Akane cried. "I knew it!"
"It's not what you think!" Nabiki and Ryoga both cried at once.
"I live in the halls, of the nice padded walls!" Tofu sang. "I had a chainsaw, but . . . what rhymes with Chainsaw?" He asked the two-way mirror. No answer.
Then Kasumi came in. "Oh Dr. Tofu! I'm so happy to see you!"
"Oh Kasumi!" Tofu said. "How nice of you to come!"
"I brought you a present!" Kasumi said happily.
"Screw that, let's have wild and crazy sex!" Tofu blurted.
"Oh doctor, you're so silly when your delirious!" Kasumi said. "Even if you meant that, we couldn't get your straight jacket off, and I'd be so offended by the comment that I'd murder you in cold blood anyway. Poor, poor silly man."
"Where is my chainsaw? He said he'd back me up in court!"
"The Chainsaw wont be talking anymore." Kasumi said cheerfully.
"Oh god! They KILLED him!?"
"Eh . . . yes." Kasumi said.
"I will have my revenge! Kasumi, get me a bottle of liquor."
"Right here!" Kasumi said, producing the bottle.
"Now poor it all over the floor."
"Why?"
"That's what we gang-stas do when we lose a homey."
"Eh . . . okay . . . I guess . . ."
"Little more . . . little more . . . don't be stingy, that chainsaw was the best friend I've had since Betty! C'mon woman poor the whole bottle!"
Kasumi smiled happily. "Oh well . . . poor Dr. Tofu. I guess we wont be seeing you outside these padded walls for a *long* time. I'm so sad. But I'll visit." Kasumi assured him.
"I'm perfectly sane!" Tofu whispered. "But Kasumi, they serve free meals here!"
"Actually I'm pretty sure they either charge your family, or give you a bill when you leave."
"GAH!"
To Be Continued . . .
Next Chapter . . .
Ryoga seemed caught up in thought for a moment. Then nodded. "Alright, fine." He said. "C'mon then, let's go . . . eh . . . somewhere romantic."
"Where?"
"Eh . . . I don't know."
Charlotte's Web
Chapter 11
My Kingdom for a Kiss
"Oh please don't go!" Lori cried. "I'll do anything Gray, please don't leave me!"
"But I must. For you see, Andrea is my one true love. I care for you, but I know that I've already found my soul mate. In time, you too will find yours."
"But what about our baby?"
"I . . . I . . . it's just to painful to think about. I'm sorry Lori, you'll have to raise little Duncan on your own."
"But he needs his father! Oh don't leave me Bob!"
"Gary." Gray corrected her.
"Don't leave me Gray!"
"I . . . have to. I'll always love you though, good bye."
"But you just said you loved Andrea!"
"Oh yeah . . . I was lying. I'll always love Andrea, I just didn't want to be rude, I mean I did knock you up and everything. See ya 'round." Gray said, he waved and walked out the door.
"Oh Gray! I shall never love again!" Lori screamed.
"Oh Lori! What's happened?" Ray, Gray's evil twin asked.
"Oh Ray! Gray left me when I . . . when I told him the baby was really yours!"
"But we've never slept together!"
"Darn it!"
"But don't worry Lori, I'll take care of this child as if it were my own!" Ray said.
"You're really stupid! Yay!"
And so Lori and Ray hugged and then had sex and lived happily ever after for the next five minutes. Then Gray came back in. "I've broken up with Andrea!" He said. "I'm in love with YOU Lori! I need you-RAY! My evil twin brother! In bed with MY Lori!"
"Yo." Ray said, giving his brother thumbs up. "She's great!"
"I'll kill you!" Gray shouted.
"Yay! My lover and the father of my child has returned to me!"
"You mean-" Ray gasped. "You were just using me for sex?"
"Of course." Lori shrugged.
"But your six months pregnant!" Ray cried.
"Your point?" Lori raised an eyebrow.
"Die Ray!" Gray shouted, shooting Ray in the head five times. Lori threw herself at Gray.
"Oh Gray! My hero! Let's have sex!"
"Yes!" Gray agreed. "But first, one of those llloooooonnnggg drawn out and overly dramatic kissing scenes."
"Oh yay!" Lori squealed.
------------------
"You watch this sort of thing?" Ryoga demanded. "This is so . . . so stupid!"
"I know!" Kasumi said. "Gray KNOWS that Andrea is having twins!"
"You're nuts if you think those twins are his." Ryoga said. "They're Bob's."
"Bob doesn't even like Andrea!" Kasumi protested.
"Yeah, but he wasn't opposed some casual unprotected sex." Ryoga said.
Kasumi grinned. "I thought you said this was stupid Ryoga. Why then, do you pay such close attention to it?"
"I eh . . . no reason."
------------------
"Oh Gray! You're back!" Andrea cried.
"I'm not Gray, I'm Ray!" Ray said.
"Oh!"
(Ryoga: Hey! He just got shot in the head five times!)
"Andrea, I need you! Gray has decided to stay with Lori, he'll abandon you, but I'll always love you!"
"Oh Roy-"
"Ray." He corrected her.
"Ray. I've loved you since the day I met you-today-and I can think of no one I'd rather be with!"
"Darn straight." Ray said.
(Ryoga: This makes no sense! Ray is supposed to be marrying Josephine in two days!)
(Kasumi: Silence! Watch the long drawn our kissing scene!)
And so there was a long drawn out kissing scene.
-----------------
Ryoga frowned. "Kasumi . . . this show is . . . it's so stupid!"
"Oh? Well you're right. I'm tired of it anyway, let's watch As The Earth Spins." Kasumi offered. "It's a soap about astronauts in a space station." Kasumi said, wiping her eyes. "Oh I can't believe Ray and Andrea finally got together!"
"What'cha mean 'finally'? They only met each other this same episode!" Ryoga said.
Yes life in the Tendo Mansion (They had added a card board box to the side of the house to serve as Ryoga's storage closet for all his things and for some reason the little box made the entire house look like a mansion) was quite good. Ranma, Nabiki and Akane went to school, Ryoga stayed home with Kasumi and did her bidding. Thankfully she was a much easier taskmaster than Nabiki. Best of all, the old master Happosai generally kept to himself. The Ninjas were long gone, Azusa was . . . we'll they'd sort of left her at the WPDDC show, no one knew or cared what happened to her after that.
However it was not until that night, while Ranma and Akane were off in Akane's room doing something that made the walls shake and involved Akane screaming things like "Give it to me harder" or "I'm such a bad girl, spank me s'more!" that Nabiki managed to ask Kasumi the question that had been at the back of her mind for all of two days.
"Why'd you help Ryoga out in the first place?" Nabiki asked. "I mean, I could come up with a good lie to get myself out of trouble if it was me you were trying to protect."
"I wasn't. I know you can handle yourself. I just thought you might want *your* Ryoga around a little longer, and a little more often." Kasumi said. "Grant if you will that you kept him around plenty often before."
"Lies!"
Kasumi sighed. "Is that so? Tell me then, Nabiki: why is it that you keep Ryoga as your slave?"
"So he can do my chores."
"What chores?" Kasumi asked. "I do just about everything around here." Nabiki was silent for a long time, so Kasumi continued. "It seems to me that there is something going on between you two. I plan to keep Ryoga around until he tells me what it is."
"Since when are you so nosy?" Nabiki asked.
"I'm not. I'm simply worried that my little sister might lose her virginity before me."
"DEEPER RANMA!" Akane shouted from upstairs.
"You're not a virgin You lost it when you were eighteen, you told me! Besides, what do you suppose *they* are doing?" Nabiki growled.
"I am as much a virgin as you are an ice cream addict. As for Ranma and Akane, they are playing Monopoly. If they were having sex, which they seem to want us to believe they are doing, they'd be quieter about it." Kasumi said. "Whereas Akane is the only one screaming and moaning so I'd suspect she's beating Ranma at whatever game they're playing."
"Like *that's* hard to do." Nabiki scoffed.
"Yes, but consider what a sore loser Akane is, and how happy she is when she does win."
"YOU ROCK MY WORLD RANMA! DEEPER BABY! GO DEEPER!"
"Are you sure they are playing Monopoly? Why is she telling him to go deeper?"
"Uh . . . well . . . eh . . . oh dear." Kasumi frowned.
"DEEPER IN DEBT RANMA! DEEPER IN DEBT!"
"Oh, okay that explains everything." Kasumi said.
"Does it now?" Nabiki scowled.
"Certainly. Akane wants Ranma to go into a deeper debt." Kasumi said.
"THAT'S RIGHT! WE'RE NOT HAVING SEX! OH GOD RANMA IT'S SOO GOOOOD!"
"That's it, I'm going up there!" Nabiki snapped.
"Don't bother." Kasumi said. "I no longer think I want to know what's going on up there."
"Oh sure. And here you are accusing me and Ryoga of such things."
"Well I guess I'll just have to make sure you two never *do* get the chance to do that sort of thing." Kasumi said happily.
"Oh like fun you will!" Nabiki hissed. "If I wanted to I'd find a way you hear me!? I'll wait until you've left for the market or something, then me and Ryoga will give Ranma and Akane some competition!" Nabiki paused as if to listen to her own words, then frowned and added quickly; "Is . . . what I would be saying if I liked Ryoga in that way. But I don't . . . I'll be good!"
Kasumi help up a tape recorder. "Will you now?"
"I was just kidding!" Nabiki cried.
"This is so much fun!" Kasumi squealed. "Now, do be a sweetie and pay me for my silence."
"Oh why you-I'll get you-you'll see!" Nabiki growled and paid Kasumi for the tape. "I was just kidding!"
"Sure you were." Kasumi grinned. "You know I'm starting to see why you like doing this to people. But I will use my money for good causes."
"You think I don't!?" Nabiki demanded.
"Ice cream is *not* a good cause. Not a bad cause, but it isn't necessarily a *good* cause." Kasumi said.
"Aww shaddap." Nabiki growled. 'I'm getting all screwed up, Kasumi should NEVER have gotten her hands on MY money! I'm too distracted, I blame Ryoga!' Nabiki thought. 'I'll have to make him pay me back the money I gave to Kasumi . . .'
"Oh Betty! I didn't mean to put the alcohol in your soda!"
"But Billy, how can you expect me to believe that you accidentally spiked my drink?"
"Eh . . . eh . . . I love you so much!"
"Yay!"
-------------
"How can she believe that?" Ryoga cried.
"But love can find you at any time." Kasumi said.
"Yeah, but he doesnt love her! He just wanted to get laid!" Ryoga asked. "What kind of audience are they trying to advertise to?"
"You're right, we should change the-"
"Don't touch that dial!" Ryoga cried.
-------------
"Oh! Hi Billy!" Andrea said.
"Hi sis! Betty and I are gonna go and eh . . . do it now. Bye!"
"Well okay, have fun!"
-------------
"Andrea is Billy's sister?! But she's Betty's aunt!" Ryoga cried.
"No, you're thinking of Angora." Kasumi corrected. "Andrea's evil twin sister who is also possessed by the devil!"
". . . So many evil twins on this show!"
"But that is how ALL soaps are."
"So not true!" Ryoga said. "I admit most make less sense than this, some make more."
"Oh really." Kasumi scoffed. "Soaps are fun and romantic, but they are completely false."
"No! No I don't believe you! If Lori and Gray's love isn't real what is?" Ryoga cried.
"Oh Ryoga, poor, poor silly Ryoga. Take for example, the kiss. They kiss for a full on sixty seconds. They don't breathe. It's ridiculous, no one kisses that way."
"Not true!" Ryoga cried. "This show is love as it should be, you can't tell me it isn't real!"
"Ryoga . . . it's just a show. More real than any anime or cartoon mind you, but still not really real."
"ANIME ISN'T REAL?" Ryoga cried. "NO! No! It can't be true!" He ran off screaming.
Kasumi shook her head. "Poor boy. Good thing I didn't tell him about Santa."
"What about Santa?" Nabiki asked, coming through the door.
"Oh! Welcome home Nabiki! School ended early?"
"It's eh . . . Kasumi it's Saturday. Are you feeling okay?"
"Certainly."
"Good. Now what's that about Santa?"
"Oh, I was just thinking it was a good thing I didn't tell Ryoga he wasn't real."
"HE'S NOT?!" Nabiki screamed. "No! No! Nothing good can come of this news! I must find something black to wear as I go into mourning!"
"Uh . . . Nabiki . . . you already *know* Santa isn't real." Kasumi frowned.
"Hmm? Why so I do . . ." Nabiki grinned, sitting down on the couch next to Kasumi. "What's going on anyway?"
"Oh I just got done telling Ryoga that soap operas weren't real."
"WAH!" Ryoga sobbed from his hiding place (a closet)
"He's taking it pretty hard." Nabiki frowned.
"Oh no, he took it rather well. It was when I told him that Anime wasn't real that he broke."
"But Kasumi . . . if Anime isn't real . . . then we're . . ."
"Yes?" Kasumi asked.
Nabiki shook her head. Kasumi wondered what it was that everyone found so hard to believe about Anime not being real. "Never mind." Nabiki sighed.
Kasumi smiled. "Anyway Nabiki, I have a deal for you."
"Which is?" Nabiki asked.
"I'm going to the mental institute where I heard they just moved Dr. Tofu. I'm bringing him these cookies . . . oh dear, half of them are gone."
"Wonder(crunch)how that happened(munch)who could be a cookie thief? I bet its(chew)Akane." Nabiki said, with her mouth full like a squirrel storing nuts. Kasumi wonderd how the heck her sister managed to stay so thin.
"Oh well. I'm sure they won't let him have them anyway. It's the gesture that counts."
"Mm-hmm."
"So anyway Nabiki, you are in charge until I get home. The deal is this: If you can keep the house in one piece until I return, I'll buy a gallon of ice cream when I get back."
"Done! Wait . . . NO! I hate the kind that comes in the gallon. It isn't worth it-be gone pretender." Nabiki scoffed.
"But all you have to do is make sure all four walls are still up when I get back-and the ice cream is yours . . . free . . ."
"Don't . . . tempt me . . . must . . . not . . . give in-screw it you got a deal." Nabiki nodded.
"Good." Kasumi said. "Oh . . . where is Akane?"
Nabiki frowned. "Hmm . . . eh . . . I dunno . . ."
------------------
FLASHBACK
------------------
"'An if I stand in this phone booth fer five hours it'll increase my martial arts skills?" Ranma asked.
"Yes. But you have to be completely light. No weight on you except your cloths. So I need your house keys, your school books, your watch . . . oh, and any money you might have on you." Nabiki said.
"Done!" Ranma cried.
"Nabiki! That's not nice!"
"Oh! Why hello Akane." Nabiki smiled. "How are you today?"
"Fine! Why are you scamming Ranma?"
"Because he's so stupid I can!" Nabiki said with enthusiasm. Then she became very dark, her voice trembled with rage "And he messed with me and Ryoga, and made us lose that show! I won't let him get away with that, It's my mission to make his life HELL from now on! No one humiliates me and lives! What's more his stunt freed *my* Ryoga from our contract, once his original term is up he's free instead of the endless cycle I had planned for him! It's all Ranma's fault!" Nabiki rambled, no longer aware that she was actually speaking.
"I see . . . Nabiki, can we talk for a moment?"
"No." Nabiki said.
"Please? Can't you spare a moment for your baby sister?" Akane pleaded.
"Curse you woman!" Nabiki spat. "You know I can't resist that "baby sister" bit. Okay what's on your mind." Nabiki asked after locking Ranma in the phone booth.
*Hey! Lemme out'a 'ere you crazy-hey! Don't leave me here! Nabiki! Hey Nabiki! I know where ya live!*
"So, Akane, you were saying?" Nabiki asked.
"How did you and Ryoga get together in the first place Nabiki?"
"Time is money. You want to hear my story, I want a thousand yen."
"Did he save you from disaster like a knight in shining armor? Did you save him? Did you like each other from the start or is this new?"
"Haven't seen my thousand yen yet." Nabiki noted. Akane growled and paid her half the amount demanded.
"It's all I've got! Honest!"
"I see . . ."
"So? Tell me how you and Ryoga got together!"
"Why do you want to know?" Nabiki asked.
"'Cause I saw you two kissing and I just KNOW you're madly in love!" Akane whined. "I want to know how it happened!"
*NABIKI! Hey! Hey this aint funny no more!*
"Okay Akane. Here's the truth. Ryoga and I . . ." Nabiki paused. 'If I tell her that we are not in love, she'll leave us alone. But if I make up a really funny story and I get her interested enough, then I can make her pay me for every sentence!' Nabiki grinned wickedly. "It was a beautiful summer. Ryoga and I met at a sidewalk café in France."
"In France? But what were you two doing in France?"
"Silence you silly girl. You know Ryoga has the worse sense of direction in the world." Nabiki said. "And *I* was in France because . . . eh . . . I'd swindled Kuno-baby out of some first class seats. Yeah-that's it."
"Wow!" Akane said. "Go on!"
"One hundred yen." Nabiki smiled.
"What!?"
"My throat is dry, I'll have to buy a drink. Your one hundred yen would be a great down payment."
"Oh fine!" Akane scowled. "Now tell me more!"
"Sure. Let's see . . . eh . . . eh . . . Ryoga and I . . . eh . . . Oh! Oh I know! Ryoga was lost and I helped him find the airport and I got him a flight home, but it got canceled due to blizzards!"
"But you said it was summer!"
"One hundred yen interruption charge!" Nabiki scowled.
"Fine! Fine here! Continue!" Akane cried.
"So then we left the airport and he had nowhere to go, so I offered him the chance to stay with me at my hotel suite. It's all on the Kuno family bill, but I charged him two hundred eh . . . doubloons, French money, for it anyway. He didn't know what doubloons were so I told him two thousand yen. I'm not sure if that's a fair equivalent, but then again, it didn't care."
"I don't think they use doubloons anymore. And I think doubloons are Spanish. And I think two hundred dabloons would be far more expensive then two thousand yen." Akane said.
"Silence! That's two hundred yen, you've been warned!" Nabiki said.
"Okay fine! But it's all I have I swear!"
"I've heard *that* before." Nabiki said. "Anyway, we talked for a long time then we both decided that Ranma was an evil slime that must DIE!" Nabiki kicked the phone booth and Ranma jumped in surprise. "So we made an alliance. And then partnership became friendship, friendship became love, love led to sex, sex led to teenage pregnancy, you know the drill. Fork over two hundred yen if you want the rest of the story."
"What story? You lied! You never got pregnant! You tricked me that way once, but not again!"
"Of course not!" Nabiki scowled. "You expect me to tell the truth for half price?"
"I don't have any more money." Akane pleaded. "Can't I just owe you?"
"I tell no stories on credit." Nabiki said.
"Okay fine . . . eh . . . here! A thousand yen, please tell me the TRUE story!"
Nabiki inspected the money, then pocketed it. "Very good. Pleasure doing business with you."
"Tell me the story!" Akane pleaded.
"Oh. Righto. How Ryoga and I got together? Nothing to tell, we're not together. I just kept him around to take care of my spring-cleaning. The end." Nabiki smiled.
Akane fell over. She leapt up again and cried, "I want my money back!"
"Who do you think you're talking to?" Nabiki asked. "Hello? It's *me* Nabiki. I don't do refunds."
"But I saw you and Ryoga kiss!"
"That was an accident." Nabiki shrugged.
"Oh YEAH? Well we'll just see about that!" Akane stormed off. Nabiki shrugged. Akane then turned around, stomped back over to Nabiki and said "Before I go, just one question!"
"Yes?"
"If you don't really like Ryoga, is it okay if *I* date him?"
Nabiki's eyes thinned. "You wouldn't want to do that. After all, you're engaged to Ranma."
"What Ranma don't know wont hurt him."
*I'm right HERE!*
Nabiki sighed. "Well if you want to date Ryoga, there is one thing you have to do first."
"What's that?" Akane asked.
"See that telephone booth next to Ranma's? Call Ryoga up and ask him if he likes you."
"Oh! Okay!" Akane walked into the telephone booth, Nabiki closed it behind her sister and locked it with her magical key. *HEY! Hey Nabiki! Wait a second I don't have any money to call Ryoga!*
"Hah! Forget it! You're not dating anyone! Ryoga is MINE! All mine!" Nabiki laughed maniacally. She walked off laughing, leaving two very angry and probably vengeful martial artists trapped in two telephone booths.
---------------
CURRENT
---------------
"Hmm . . . where is Akane . . . haven't got a clue." Nabiki shrugged.
Ryoga Hibiki was lost. He wasn't sure where he was, it was dark, and there wasn't much room to move. He couldn't go very far either because the ceiling was covered in some sort of thick heavy soft things and if he moved to much they fell on him and then he would be crushed.
He sat crouched thinking about what Kasumi had said. "Soaps aren't real" "the kiss is ridiculous" "anime isn't real"
Oh he'd show Kasumi! He'd kiss Akane just like on the soap operas then she'd know that such a kiss was in fact possible! Ryoga thought for a moment . . . Akane was engaged to Ranma . . . and she probably wouldn't like being kissed by the guy who until so recently was her pet. Okay then, Nabiki! 'Heck she kisses P-Chan often enough!' Ryoga thought. 'And she threatens me so often, she'll probably go for it, no problem!'
Then the door opened and who should be standing there but Nabiki herself!
"Ryoga!" She exclaimed. "What are you doing in my closet?"
"I got lost!" Ryoga said. "I had nowhere to go and I ended up in here on accident."
"What ever will I do with you?" She sighed. She helped him up and out of the closet. "Kasumi is going to go to the hospital pretty soon, and I'll be in charge of the house. And you for that matter." Nabiki said. "Just a heads up, I think there's some house work Kasumi forgot to do."
"Hospital? Is she okay?" Ryoga asked.
"She's going to see Tofu, he's being committed to a mental institution. 'Bout bloody time if you ask me, anyone who is that nuts over Kasumi and wields a chainsaw ought to be locked up." Nabiki said.
"Umm . . . Nabiki?" Ryoga asked.
"What?" Nabiki asked, turning to him. He had his chance! He lunged forward, wrapped his arms around her and tried to kiss her.
GrimmZ: And I'll end the chapter right there . . . make you poor people wait to see if he succeeds!
Nabiki: Oh no you WONT!
Their lips touched, and Ryoga felt a surge of adrenaline, his heart pounded faster and faster in his chest, and he felt weakened for the first time in his life-without having been in a fight that is-but he found this all quite enjoyable. Until of course Nabiki surprised him by wrapping her arms around him, and forcing her tongue into his mouth. They broke their kiss immediately.
"What was *that* for?!" Ryoga demanded.
"I should darn well ask you the same thing! I had to stop you somehow!" Nabiki said, though Ryoga could tell she was lying. She leaned forward again, and her lips brushed gently against his, before anything else could happen though . . .
"HAH!" Akane cried. "I knew it!"
"It's not what you think!" Nabiki and Ryoga both cried at once.
"I live in the halls, of the nice padded walls!" Tofu sang. "I had a chainsaw, but . . . what rhymes with Chainsaw?" He asked the two-way mirror. No answer.
Then Kasumi came in. "Oh Dr. Tofu! I'm so happy to see you!"
"Oh Kasumi!" Tofu said. "How nice of you to come!"
"I brought you a present!" Kasumi said happily.
"Screw that, let's have wild and crazy sex!" Tofu blurted.
"Oh doctor, you're so silly when your delirious!" Kasumi said. "Even if you meant that, we couldn't get your straight jacket off, and I'd be so offended by the comment that I'd murder you in cold blood anyway. Poor, poor silly man."
"Where is my chainsaw? He said he'd back me up in court!"
"The Chainsaw wont be talking anymore." Kasumi said cheerfully.
"Oh god! They KILLED him!?"
"Eh . . . yes." Kasumi said.
"I will have my revenge! Kasumi, get me a bottle of liquor."
"Right here!" Kasumi said, producing the bottle.
"Now poor it all over the floor."
"Why?"
"That's what we gang-stas do when we lose a homey."
"Eh . . . okay . . . I guess . . ."
"Little more . . . little more . . . don't be stingy, that chainsaw was the best friend I've had since Betty! C'mon woman poor the whole bottle!"
Kasumi smiled happily. "Oh well . . . poor Dr. Tofu. I guess we wont be seeing you outside these padded walls for a *long* time. I'm so sad. But I'll visit." Kasumi assured him.
"I'm perfectly sane!" Tofu whispered. "But Kasumi, they serve free meals here!"
"Actually I'm pretty sure they either charge your family, or give you a bill when you leave."
"GAH!"
To Be Continued . . .
Next Chapter . . .
Ryoga seemed caught up in thought for a moment. Then nodded. "Alright, fine." He said. "C'mon then, let's go . . . eh . . . somewhere romantic."
"Where?"
"Eh . . . I don't know."