Disclaimer: I don't own Ranma ½. This fic is rated R; this fic is okay in general, there are certain marked chapters that are most definitely not for kids. Everything is clearly labeled, if your kid finds this he/she was *looking* for it.
Charlotte's Web
Chapter 14
The Day After the Stuff Happened
"You have to remember to feed him every day." Ukyo said, shaking a scolding finger at Konatsu.
"He ate! He ate my nose!" Konatsu whined.
"Because you didn't feed him today!" Ukyo said.
"Eh . . . Ukyo, I don't think you should keep the crazy guy." Akane said.
"Yore hair is purtty! Do yore name stort with da letter A?" The gigantic pierced/tattooed guy asked patting Akane on the head.
"If he touches me again I'm gonna make him a crazy chick!" Akane warned. The "Crazy Guy" as the four had "Affectionately" dubbed him, got the "Hint" and "Decided" to "Switch" to "Ranma" instead. Patting Ranma on the head.
"You gots a nice pig tail ikle boy. Oy ikes pig tails. Pigs taste yummy!"
"Akane!" Ranma whined.
"I guess it's time we took Ranma home." Akane offered, seeking an escape from Ukyo's home.
Kasumi had already left in the early morning to do . . . eh . . . stuff. Who the heck knew-or cared?
Akane led Ranma home, careful not to tease him about his "experience". For those of you who forgot, Ranma was forced (for some reason) to shower with a bunch of inmates in prison and he dropped the soap.
"Do you think Ryoga is still staying with Nabiki?" Ranma groaned.
"Why? Thinking of asking him out?" Akane blurted. 'Oops.' She thought. What might have at once time been a harmless jest was like a full blown "mama joke" to Ranma!
"Let's see *you* take five steps into that shower! You wouldn't *have* to drop the *soap*!"
Ranma wailed so loud that several people stared at him. One guy winked.
Meanwhile, Ryoga was fast asleep. So, for that matter was Nabiki. While we're on it so were Soun, Nodoka and Genma but they are in a different time zone and all three were incredibly drunk. Hey, we're off subject here, the point is Nabiki and Ryoga haven't woken up yet and Akane and Ranma are on their way back home!
But then again, Akane might just be to stupid to figure anything out!
"I'M HOME!" Akane almost screamed as she slammed the door open. Ryoga and Nabiki both woke up. They tried to get up but just started tripping over each other! Akane was stomping up the stairs, they could hear her!
Akane stormed into Nabiki's bedroom, expecting her sister to be asleep, partially hoping to find her awake so she could rant, but mostly just trying to see if Ryoga was still around. And, a tiny tiny percentage of her wondered if, in the event that Ryoga was there, where he'd be sleeping. On the ground or with Nabiki . . .
To her shock Nabiki and Ryoga were in fact doing the unthinkable! They … were … sitting on the floor across from each other playing cards and using Akane's prized bottle cap collection as bargaining chips! (Fully clothed mind you)
"Beer cap, another week of slavery or your freedom!" Nabiki said, throwing down a bottle cap.
"I don't need more slave time! I fold!"
"I had crap!" Nabiki laughed wickedly.
"It doesn't matter, I only had these cards with faces, a ten and this ace." Ryoga said. Nabiki and Akane both stared at him. "Eh . . . they are all hearts too. Is that like the worst hand ever? Why are you staring at me?"
Nabiki shook her head. "Dummy!" She shouted.
Akane shook her head too, remembering why she'd barged in. "Nabiki! I just got done arguing with RANMA!"
"There's a big surprise." Nabiki and Ryoga said at the same time.
"He said my thighs are thick and that no one would ever want me because I'm a skank! Is that true?" Akane had thrown in the skank part to get Nabiki and Ryoga on her side, and with luck get Ryoga to bully Ranma when he got home.
"Absolutely." Nabiki said.
"Can you repeat that in the form of a question?" Ryoga asked. Akane frowned. "Are you even listening to me?"
"Absolutely!" Nabiki said.
"Can you repeat that in the form of an answer?" Ryoga asked.
Akane clenched her fists, then put her fists on her hips and glared venomously at her sister and her ex-pet. "Did you two have sex last night?"
"Absolutely!" Nabiki said.
"The Daily Double!" Ryoga announced.
"Are you listening to me at all?" Akane screamed. "You're worse than Ranma!"
Nabiki laughed weakly. "We're listening Akane, we just don't care, right Ryoga?"
"Can you repeat that in the form of a-"
"Well okay, I was listening." Nabiki amended. "And as I've said, absolutely!"
Akane thought for a moment . . . Nabiki did think she had fat thighs, she had been listening . . . did that mean the other time she'd said "absolutely" she really meant it? Wicked thoughts danced through Akane's head. Then she decided to test the theory. "Okay Nabiki! Is Kasumi a virgin?"
"Absolutely!" Nabiki said, playing her cards.
"I don't wanna know!" Ryoga announced.
'Aww shucks!' Akane thought. 'I guess she wasn't telling the whole truth and nothing but the truth! Lying scum! And I thought I had something to blackmail her with!'
"I fold!" Nabiki said.
"Play the cards!" Ryoga pleaded.
"But I'll lose!" Nabiki whined.
"I'm already your slave for another two weeks, give me a chance to win it back!"
"Double or nothing then?" Nabiki offered.
"YES!" Ryoga cried.
"Okies. Royal straight flush sucker, you're mine for a whole month!" Nabiki laughed triumphantly.
"Well I guess I'll just leave you two alone . . ." Akane said. She left and closed the door, then carefully put her ear to it.
"Thought she'd never leave! Let's have sex again!" Nabiki said.
"Will it work off my debt?" Ryoga asked.
"Sure."
"AHA!" Akane shouted, bursting through the door a second time.
"Hi Akane!" Nabiki said, holding up a big sign that said "Sucker!"
And so Akane, convinced of her sister's continued *physical* innocence and purity, left and went off in search of Ranma in order to deal swift and painful revenge, forgetting entirely about her prized bottle cap collection.
"Can I really work off my debt by-"
"No." Nabiki said calmly. She shook her head. "C'mon Ryoga-honey, we need to get dressed."
"We are dressed! And, might I add at world record time and speed thank you very much."
"Dummy! I mean for school, and we should probably shower too, Kasumi isn't as stupid as Akane, she'll probably smell my perfume all over you."
"Akane is stupid?" Ryoga asked.
"She hides it well with a macho exterior, but yes, Akane is stupid." Nabiki assured him. Nabiki took a deep breath and shook her head again, this time to clear it. What had she been thinking last night? Ryoga was right, it'd been far to soon. Strangely enough she didn't regret what they'd done, just when they'd done it, she wished it'd been earliar so they could have gone to sleep sooner. She was sleepy and in all honesty she had no motivation to wear that pathetic school uniform. Not today!
"Uh, hey Nabiki." Ryoga said suddenly. "After eh . . . last night . . . are we . . . umm . . . "together" now?"
Nabiki blushed, she turned so he couldn't see her then said simply "If that's how you want it. Don't go bragging about it now."
"I wouldn't. Except maybe to Ranma. And this Kinnosuke guy you like so much." Ryoga said, she could almost "hear" his grin.
"Oh I've been with Kinnosuke longer than you and Ranma have known each other." Nabiki said, making sure Ryoga could "hear" her scowl. "Really I'm cheating on him with you."
"Does that mean I can cheat with some one too?"
"Anyone but one of my sisters." Nabiki said without thinking, for a moment she'd forgotten about that tramp with the farm! "Or Akari." She added.
"Oh well." Ryoga sighed. "What a shame, you, me, Akane, Kasumi and Akari, what a time we'd have!"
Nabiki actually did think about it. But not in the way Ryoga had meant in his jest. Oh no, her vision included cement shoes and chains and knives! And a big deep lake where the wearers of the cement shoes and chains could go swimming and a place to just dump the bodies of everyone else.
Ryoga was *hers* now, no one was allowed near him, if she saw Azusa going for him again she'd make it well known that Nabiki Tendo was *not* ignorant in the ways of martial arts. Not proficient, but not ignorant.
Speaking of Azusa, Kasumi was standing in the younger girl's bedroom patiently listening to Azusa introduce her to her veritable army of cute or shiny things.
When she was finished Azusa turned an angry glare at Kasumi. "So, have you come to confess that you've stolen my Mercedes?!"
"Of course not." Kasumi said with a happy-clueless-smile. "I've come to make you an offer. A way for you to get your little Charlotte back."
"Azusa is listening!" Azusa declared.
"It is quite simple you see, Charlotte's human form has no sense of direction-"
"Charlotte has human form?" Azusa wailed. "That's so cuuute!"
"Eh . . . yes. Well anyway all you would need to do is lure him away and then you'll have captured Charlotte. He will either be a little black piglet, or a boy with a bandanna." Kasumi went into length about how Azusa was to hold onto Charlotte once captured, and how to keep her resourceful younger sister from saving the "family pet" (though Ryoga was no longer P-Chan, he really wasn't much else to the Tendos than a pet) "Now, in exchange for this information-"
"You want Azusa to bribe you!? But you've already told Azusa the plan to get her Charlotte, she doesn't need to give you anything!"
Kasumi frowned. "Drat!" She sighed. Acting like Nabiki was a lot harder than Nabiki made it seem. "Never mind then. Drat!"
Meanwhile . . . on . . . da islands
Soun and Nodoka had been wondering around for quite some time looking for Genma. The one place they didn't look was the Zoo, which is exactly where he was.
Meanwhile Genma was sulking, believing his best friend had abandoned him to this terrible fate to go have sex with his wife. And that big male panda was looking him over pretty weird. Those two female pandas seemed interested in him too. Genma prayed he wasn't about to be the centerpiece of a panda orgy. But of course, to his horror he was. Heh-heh-heh.
And so even when Nodoka and Soun heard some zoo keepers talking about the sudden boom in panda mating in the zoo, they never put two and two together partially because they'd gotten drunk again and partially because they were too stupid.
However after Nabiki's shopping binges, and their drinking/drug binges there was barely a dent in the one million.
Which is why Soun was planning what he was planning. It would be expensive, but it would be so much fun!
Meanwhile . . . on that other island that isn't Hawaii . . . whazzit called? …Eh oh yeah, Japan!
Nabiki, Ryoga, Ranma and Akane had all stayed home from school for various reasons. Nabiki and Ryoga were sleeping in (in truth they were just trying to get from 3 hours to 8) Akane was sleeping in (from 0 hours to 8) and Ranma just didn't want to face everyone else. Oh no.
So Ranma sat on the couch (and by sat, I mean was lying on his stomach) watching TV. Some soap opera was playing where in some guy called Gray and his evil twin Ray were fighting to the death over some pregnant woman one minute, then dumping her the next only to wheel around and try to sleep with her behind each other's backs. It was hella-confusing!
"How can Ryoga and Kasumi watch this stuff?" Ranma asked.
"If you don't like it, turn it off." Kasumi said as she came in.
"But then I won't know what happens!" Ranma wailed.
"Why are you home today Ranma?"
"'Cause my . . . eh . . . 'wound' hurts!" Ranma cried.
"Oh please, it wasn't the first time you've had something shoved up there-oh wait, it was." Kasumi nodded. "I feel terrible for you Ranma. Now, move over please, I want to watch too."
After a few hours Ranma realized this was some sort of marathon. Eventually Ryoga came downstairs (as P-Chan for some unknown reason) and sat on Ranma's head and watched.
Nabiki eventually wandered down and after she and Kasumi spent about ten minutes glaring at each other and no doubt speaking telepathically she too sat down and watched. The entire "family" was watching this pathetic mush!
Until Akane came downstairs yawning.
"I don't understand!" Nabiki said, tears in her eyes. "She loves him, how can she treat him so badly!?"
"You tell me, you seem to be the expert." Kasumi said, eyeing her sister, then Ryoga.
"What's that supposed to mean!? Nothing happened! He's lying!"
"He's been a pig all day, he hasnt said anything." Ranma said, now eyeing Nabiki.
Nabiki paused for a moment, as if trying to figure out what to say next, which was very unlike her. However she chose silence instead of words and just sat back and tried to change the subject.
"Who's that guy that just got shot?"
"Poor Ray. How many times was he shot in the head today?" Ranma asked.
"Ten, but *Ryoga* counted five in another episode." Kasumi said, putting emphasis on Ryoga's name and glaring at her sister.
"What the heck are you guys talking about?" Akane asked.
"This terrible story!" Nabiki wept. "Of a man, his evil twin, another man and lots of loose women who seem to be very open about their sex lives."
"A soap opera?" Akane asked.
"Exactly!" Kasumi cried.
"Is it any good?" Akane asked.
"It's the worst thing we've ever watched." Ranma groaned.
"Then why don't you turn it off?" Akane asked.
"And miss the ending!?"
"These things never end. Catch the re-run." Akane offered.
"They never re-run." Kasumi noted. "Never in my years of being the home maker have I seen a re-run."
*Now back to Soap Opera Re-Runs Volume XV!*
Akane looked at everyone, Ranma wondered what she was going to do. Thus far everyone to set eyes on the TV had joined in the mindless watching of it. Akane however seemed to be stupid enough to be immune, she walked over and turned the TV off. "You are all freed!" She declared.
"Andrea was just about to announce the father of her baby!" Kasumi cried.
"Epona was going to take Ray back!" Nabiki wept.
"Ernk! Ernk!" Ryoga/P-Chan grunted threateningly.
Ranma decided to join in, "Ya turned off the bright box with colors and peoples in it!" He shouted.
Soon the entire household was chasing after Akane, Ryoga still on Ranma's head like a pig skin cap.
"Now I'll never know the secrets of true love!" Kasumi shouted.
"And I'll never know if Ray comes out of his coma!" Nabiki cried.
"And I'll never know if the marathon ends in time for the As the Earth Spins re-runs!" Ranma wailed.
"And I'll never know why you guys were all watching it if you hated it!" Akane wailed, running as if her life depended on it, and that strange look in Kasumi's eyes suggested that it did.
All in all Ranma was amazed at what staying home all day was like, he pitied Ryoga.
That night . . .
The Ninjas were outside in ambuscade, most of them had broken out of prison.
"The girl who can somehow manage to kick all of our butts wants the little black piglet, or the boy with the bandanna."
"What if we see both of them?"
"Then capture the both of them you moron!"
At that time Nabiki and a recently human again Ryoga were sitting in the living room speaking in hushed tones.
"Kasumi is onto us." Nabiki whispered.
"Why do you say that?" Ryoga asked. "I don't think anyone knows."
"Really? Why then, did Kasumi ask me how you were in bed?"
"She's joking, just joking." Ryoga shrugged.
"It doesn't matter." Nabiki scowled. She glanced at Ryoga and took in every detail, having the strangest feeling that something strange was about to happen. Ryoga leaned towards her and they kissed briefly, then she separated herself from him, hearing what she thought was Kasumi walking towards them.
She glanced at Ryoga again and asked, "Just how many of those bandannas do you have?"
"I used to have about one hundred, but I lose some whenever I fight Ranma."
"How many are you wearing now?"
"Just two." Ryoga shrugged. "I keep others hidden in various areas of my person, ready to be hurtled at that cad at a moment's notice."
"Right . . . gotcha." Nabiki nodded. She looked into Ryoga's eyes and he turned away, blushing.
"Wh-why do you ask?"
"Just curious." She said with a shrug. "I thought maybe it was a magical bandanna that replicates itself."
"It isn't." Ryoga assured her. He looked over and then gulped. "Do you . . . eh . . . want one?"
He offered her one of the many hidden bandannas. Nabiki felt her cheeks turning red, but took the yellow and black piece of cloth and inspected it for a moment. She tied it around her neck rather than head, and shrugged.
"How does it look on me?" She asked.
"Beautiful . . ." Ryoga mumbled, he looked enchanted.
They leaned towards each other, their lips were millimeters away when Ranma popped up. "Can I have one too?"
"Hey!" Ryoga cried as Ranma jumped onto the couch between him and Nabiki. He snatched one of Ryoga's bandannas and put it on. "Check me out! I'm Ryoga!"
"Actually . . . you really do look like Ryoga." Nabiki nodded. "And did you notice you're sitting down?"
As if on command the pain receptors in Ranma's rear end sent messages to his brain shouting that he was in fact sitting down and the pigtailed boy leapt up screaming and rubbing his rear.
"Give that back you-" Ryoga lunged forward in a mad attempt to get the bandanna back.
"Down P-Chan!" Ranma said, pouring a bucket of water on Ryoga. A bucket of water, which had magically appeared in his hands.
That's the exact moment the ninjas broke down the wall and leapt in.
"There's the pig, and there's the boy with the bandanna!"
"Wha? I don't got no-oh no! It's not mine! It's his!" Ranma wailed.
"Hey don't I know you?" One of the ninjas asked.
"Huh? HEY!" Ranma cried. "You're one of the guys from prison!"
"Hey! It's the soap dropper!" Another ninja cried.
"Wow! Who'd have thought this would be Miss. Azusa's Bandanna wearing boyfriend!" Another ninja laughed.
"We're out'a here!" a fourth said, whacking Ranma on the head and grabbing P-Chan. "Off to Azusa's house, where we can be paid and then go to the Cat Café to ogle that cute Chinese waitress!"
Nabiki was left in the dust just wondering what had happened. When her senses came to her the only thing she could think to shout was "Who is paying for repairs on that wall!?"
Meanwhile Azusa had set up a little Piglet house for Charlotte. Since that girl Kasumi had said Charlotte had no sense of direction, there were arrows all over the place pointing to the exit, since Charlotte had no sense of direction Charlotte would follow those arrows and never make it out of the house, or at least that's what Kasumi had said.
The ninjas returned soon with Charlotte and . . . Charlotte?
Charlotte's human form (wearing Ranma's cloths) and Charlotte's piggy form! "Now I have *two* Charlottes!" Azusa wailed with delight. She wasted no time in throwing "little Charlotte" into "her" piglet house, and tying "big Charlotte" up with several tight ropes and hanging "her" from the ceiling until playtime tomorrow.
"Yer nuts! I'm gonna get free from here and when I do I'll-" "Big" Charlotte was shouting.
"Ernk! Ernk! K-KKEE!" "Little" Charlotte was ranting.
But what Azusa's warped mind heard was . . .
Big Charlotte: Oh I can't wait to play tomorrow!
Little Charlotte: Yay! My own little house! Azusa is so nice!
And so Azusa, with a happy heart paid the ninjas then went to sleep in her bed, which she'd named Bernie after it had told her it was a boy.
"Good night Patrice! Good night Madeline! Good night Allison! Good night Little Charlotte! (K-KEEE!) Good night Big Charlotte!"
"The brain is rushing to my blood! I mean the blood is rushing to my brain!" Big Charlotte cried.
"Kee-kee-kee-kee-kee!" Little Charlotte pointed and laughed at Big Charlotte.
"Okay Kasumi, a bunch of ninjas just leapt in and stole Ryoga, we need to go get him back!" Nabiki announced suddenly.
"Why?" Kasumi asked.
"Because . . . eh . . . I said so!"
"Nice scarf." Kasumi said with a clueless smile.
"Shaddap! C'mon now, they took Ranma too!"
"RANMA!" Akane shouted. She ran down stairs from her bedroom. "It's one thing for Azusa to steal your boyfriend Nabiki, but for her to steal MY Fiancée? I won't have it!" Akane ranted.
"What do you mean boyfriend!" Nabiki demanded.
"Nice scarf." Akane said with a wicked grin. "Nabiki Hibiki? At least your first and last names will rhyme."
"Oh you're going down baby sister!" Nabiki warned.
"Really though, why should we go after them? Ryoga will escape again and with Ranma there he'll know how to get back." Kasumi shrugged.
"Unless they get into a fight." Akane noted.
Then another terror struck Nabiki. Sure it was bad if Ryoga were taken away from her, but what if he was taken away *and* he got into a fight without her there to pool the bets? "I WON'T HAVE IT!" She shouted suddenly. She grabbed her sisters by the wrists and ran off through the recently made hole in the wall, passing Mousse on the street Nabiki shouted "Mousse, our home has a very large hole in the wall, if you stay there and guard it and make sure no thieves come inside while we're gone I'll get you a date with Shampoo!"
"Done!" Mousse shouted. Had Nabiki stuck around she might have noticed that he started guarding the wrong house, but she was in a terrible hurry.
To Be Continued . . .
Next Chapter . . .
Soun was amazed that Mousse could notice anything, but still he felt uneasy now. "The ninjas are back! We must go back home and sort things out!" He announced.
"Yes, but Genma wont leave the zoo." Nodoka said. "Besides, the children shall handle themselves or my son is no man!"
"They have the blind kid guarding the house!" Soun wailed.
Charlotte's Web
Chapter 14
The Day After the Stuff Happened
"You have to remember to feed him every day." Ukyo said, shaking a scolding finger at Konatsu.
"He ate! He ate my nose!" Konatsu whined.
"Because you didn't feed him today!" Ukyo said.
"Eh . . . Ukyo, I don't think you should keep the crazy guy." Akane said.
"Yore hair is purtty! Do yore name stort with da letter A?" The gigantic pierced/tattooed guy asked patting Akane on the head.
"If he touches me again I'm gonna make him a crazy chick!" Akane warned. The "Crazy Guy" as the four had "Affectionately" dubbed him, got the "Hint" and "Decided" to "Switch" to "Ranma" instead. Patting Ranma on the head.
"You gots a nice pig tail ikle boy. Oy ikes pig tails. Pigs taste yummy!"
"Akane!" Ranma whined.
"I guess it's time we took Ranma home." Akane offered, seeking an escape from Ukyo's home.
Kasumi had already left in the early morning to do . . . eh . . . stuff. Who the heck knew-or cared?
Akane led Ranma home, careful not to tease him about his "experience". For those of you who forgot, Ranma was forced (for some reason) to shower with a bunch of inmates in prison and he dropped the soap.
"Do you think Ryoga is still staying with Nabiki?" Ranma groaned.
"Why? Thinking of asking him out?" Akane blurted. 'Oops.' She thought. What might have at once time been a harmless jest was like a full blown "mama joke" to Ranma!
"Let's see *you* take five steps into that shower! You wouldn't *have* to drop the *soap*!"
Ranma wailed so loud that several people stared at him. One guy winked.
Meanwhile, Ryoga was fast asleep. So, for that matter was Nabiki. While we're on it so were Soun, Nodoka and Genma but they are in a different time zone and all three were incredibly drunk. Hey, we're off subject here, the point is Nabiki and Ryoga haven't woken up yet and Akane and Ranma are on their way back home!
But then again, Akane might just be to stupid to figure anything out!
"I'M HOME!" Akane almost screamed as she slammed the door open. Ryoga and Nabiki both woke up. They tried to get up but just started tripping over each other! Akane was stomping up the stairs, they could hear her!
Akane stormed into Nabiki's bedroom, expecting her sister to be asleep, partially hoping to find her awake so she could rant, but mostly just trying to see if Ryoga was still around. And, a tiny tiny percentage of her wondered if, in the event that Ryoga was there, where he'd be sleeping. On the ground or with Nabiki . . .
To her shock Nabiki and Ryoga were in fact doing the unthinkable! They … were … sitting on the floor across from each other playing cards and using Akane's prized bottle cap collection as bargaining chips! (Fully clothed mind you)
"Beer cap, another week of slavery or your freedom!" Nabiki said, throwing down a bottle cap.
"I don't need more slave time! I fold!"
"I had crap!" Nabiki laughed wickedly.
"It doesn't matter, I only had these cards with faces, a ten and this ace." Ryoga said. Nabiki and Akane both stared at him. "Eh . . . they are all hearts too. Is that like the worst hand ever? Why are you staring at me?"
Nabiki shook her head. "Dummy!" She shouted.
Akane shook her head too, remembering why she'd barged in. "Nabiki! I just got done arguing with RANMA!"
"There's a big surprise." Nabiki and Ryoga said at the same time.
"He said my thighs are thick and that no one would ever want me because I'm a skank! Is that true?" Akane had thrown in the skank part to get Nabiki and Ryoga on her side, and with luck get Ryoga to bully Ranma when he got home.
"Absolutely." Nabiki said.
"Can you repeat that in the form of a question?" Ryoga asked. Akane frowned. "Are you even listening to me?"
"Absolutely!" Nabiki said.
"Can you repeat that in the form of an answer?" Ryoga asked.
Akane clenched her fists, then put her fists on her hips and glared venomously at her sister and her ex-pet. "Did you two have sex last night?"
"Absolutely!" Nabiki said.
"The Daily Double!" Ryoga announced.
"Are you listening to me at all?" Akane screamed. "You're worse than Ranma!"
Nabiki laughed weakly. "We're listening Akane, we just don't care, right Ryoga?"
"Can you repeat that in the form of a-"
"Well okay, I was listening." Nabiki amended. "And as I've said, absolutely!"
Akane thought for a moment . . . Nabiki did think she had fat thighs, she had been listening . . . did that mean the other time she'd said "absolutely" she really meant it? Wicked thoughts danced through Akane's head. Then she decided to test the theory. "Okay Nabiki! Is Kasumi a virgin?"
"Absolutely!" Nabiki said, playing her cards.
"I don't wanna know!" Ryoga announced.
'Aww shucks!' Akane thought. 'I guess she wasn't telling the whole truth and nothing but the truth! Lying scum! And I thought I had something to blackmail her with!'
"I fold!" Nabiki said.
"Play the cards!" Ryoga pleaded.
"But I'll lose!" Nabiki whined.
"I'm already your slave for another two weeks, give me a chance to win it back!"
"Double or nothing then?" Nabiki offered.
"YES!" Ryoga cried.
"Okies. Royal straight flush sucker, you're mine for a whole month!" Nabiki laughed triumphantly.
"Well I guess I'll just leave you two alone . . ." Akane said. She left and closed the door, then carefully put her ear to it.
"Thought she'd never leave! Let's have sex again!" Nabiki said.
"Will it work off my debt?" Ryoga asked.
"Sure."
"AHA!" Akane shouted, bursting through the door a second time.
"Hi Akane!" Nabiki said, holding up a big sign that said "Sucker!"
And so Akane, convinced of her sister's continued *physical* innocence and purity, left and went off in search of Ranma in order to deal swift and painful revenge, forgetting entirely about her prized bottle cap collection.
"Can I really work off my debt by-"
"No." Nabiki said calmly. She shook her head. "C'mon Ryoga-honey, we need to get dressed."
"We are dressed! And, might I add at world record time and speed thank you very much."
"Dummy! I mean for school, and we should probably shower too, Kasumi isn't as stupid as Akane, she'll probably smell my perfume all over you."
"Akane is stupid?" Ryoga asked.
"She hides it well with a macho exterior, but yes, Akane is stupid." Nabiki assured him. Nabiki took a deep breath and shook her head again, this time to clear it. What had she been thinking last night? Ryoga was right, it'd been far to soon. Strangely enough she didn't regret what they'd done, just when they'd done it, she wished it'd been earliar so they could have gone to sleep sooner. She was sleepy and in all honesty she had no motivation to wear that pathetic school uniform. Not today!
"Uh, hey Nabiki." Ryoga said suddenly. "After eh . . . last night . . . are we . . . umm . . . "together" now?"
Nabiki blushed, she turned so he couldn't see her then said simply "If that's how you want it. Don't go bragging about it now."
"I wouldn't. Except maybe to Ranma. And this Kinnosuke guy you like so much." Ryoga said, she could almost "hear" his grin.
"Oh I've been with Kinnosuke longer than you and Ranma have known each other." Nabiki said, making sure Ryoga could "hear" her scowl. "Really I'm cheating on him with you."
"Does that mean I can cheat with some one too?"
"Anyone but one of my sisters." Nabiki said without thinking, for a moment she'd forgotten about that tramp with the farm! "Or Akari." She added.
"Oh well." Ryoga sighed. "What a shame, you, me, Akane, Kasumi and Akari, what a time we'd have!"
Nabiki actually did think about it. But not in the way Ryoga had meant in his jest. Oh no, her vision included cement shoes and chains and knives! And a big deep lake where the wearers of the cement shoes and chains could go swimming and a place to just dump the bodies of everyone else.
Ryoga was *hers* now, no one was allowed near him, if she saw Azusa going for him again she'd make it well known that Nabiki Tendo was *not* ignorant in the ways of martial arts. Not proficient, but not ignorant.
Speaking of Azusa, Kasumi was standing in the younger girl's bedroom patiently listening to Azusa introduce her to her veritable army of cute or shiny things.
When she was finished Azusa turned an angry glare at Kasumi. "So, have you come to confess that you've stolen my Mercedes?!"
"Of course not." Kasumi said with a happy-clueless-smile. "I've come to make you an offer. A way for you to get your little Charlotte back."
"Azusa is listening!" Azusa declared.
"It is quite simple you see, Charlotte's human form has no sense of direction-"
"Charlotte has human form?" Azusa wailed. "That's so cuuute!"
"Eh . . . yes. Well anyway all you would need to do is lure him away and then you'll have captured Charlotte. He will either be a little black piglet, or a boy with a bandanna." Kasumi went into length about how Azusa was to hold onto Charlotte once captured, and how to keep her resourceful younger sister from saving the "family pet" (though Ryoga was no longer P-Chan, he really wasn't much else to the Tendos than a pet) "Now, in exchange for this information-"
"You want Azusa to bribe you!? But you've already told Azusa the plan to get her Charlotte, she doesn't need to give you anything!"
Kasumi frowned. "Drat!" She sighed. Acting like Nabiki was a lot harder than Nabiki made it seem. "Never mind then. Drat!"
Meanwhile . . . on . . . da islands
Soun and Nodoka had been wondering around for quite some time looking for Genma. The one place they didn't look was the Zoo, which is exactly where he was.
Meanwhile Genma was sulking, believing his best friend had abandoned him to this terrible fate to go have sex with his wife. And that big male panda was looking him over pretty weird. Those two female pandas seemed interested in him too. Genma prayed he wasn't about to be the centerpiece of a panda orgy. But of course, to his horror he was. Heh-heh-heh.
And so even when Nodoka and Soun heard some zoo keepers talking about the sudden boom in panda mating in the zoo, they never put two and two together partially because they'd gotten drunk again and partially because they were too stupid.
However after Nabiki's shopping binges, and their drinking/drug binges there was barely a dent in the one million.
Which is why Soun was planning what he was planning. It would be expensive, but it would be so much fun!
Meanwhile . . . on that other island that isn't Hawaii . . . whazzit called? …Eh oh yeah, Japan!
Nabiki, Ryoga, Ranma and Akane had all stayed home from school for various reasons. Nabiki and Ryoga were sleeping in (in truth they were just trying to get from 3 hours to 8) Akane was sleeping in (from 0 hours to 8) and Ranma just didn't want to face everyone else. Oh no.
So Ranma sat on the couch (and by sat, I mean was lying on his stomach) watching TV. Some soap opera was playing where in some guy called Gray and his evil twin Ray were fighting to the death over some pregnant woman one minute, then dumping her the next only to wheel around and try to sleep with her behind each other's backs. It was hella-confusing!
"How can Ryoga and Kasumi watch this stuff?" Ranma asked.
"If you don't like it, turn it off." Kasumi said as she came in.
"But then I won't know what happens!" Ranma wailed.
"Why are you home today Ranma?"
"'Cause my . . . eh . . . 'wound' hurts!" Ranma cried.
"Oh please, it wasn't the first time you've had something shoved up there-oh wait, it was." Kasumi nodded. "I feel terrible for you Ranma. Now, move over please, I want to watch too."
After a few hours Ranma realized this was some sort of marathon. Eventually Ryoga came downstairs (as P-Chan for some unknown reason) and sat on Ranma's head and watched.
Nabiki eventually wandered down and after she and Kasumi spent about ten minutes glaring at each other and no doubt speaking telepathically she too sat down and watched. The entire "family" was watching this pathetic mush!
Until Akane came downstairs yawning.
"I don't understand!" Nabiki said, tears in her eyes. "She loves him, how can she treat him so badly!?"
"You tell me, you seem to be the expert." Kasumi said, eyeing her sister, then Ryoga.
"What's that supposed to mean!? Nothing happened! He's lying!"
"He's been a pig all day, he hasnt said anything." Ranma said, now eyeing Nabiki.
Nabiki paused for a moment, as if trying to figure out what to say next, which was very unlike her. However she chose silence instead of words and just sat back and tried to change the subject.
"Who's that guy that just got shot?"
"Poor Ray. How many times was he shot in the head today?" Ranma asked.
"Ten, but *Ryoga* counted five in another episode." Kasumi said, putting emphasis on Ryoga's name and glaring at her sister.
"What the heck are you guys talking about?" Akane asked.
"This terrible story!" Nabiki wept. "Of a man, his evil twin, another man and lots of loose women who seem to be very open about their sex lives."
"A soap opera?" Akane asked.
"Exactly!" Kasumi cried.
"Is it any good?" Akane asked.
"It's the worst thing we've ever watched." Ranma groaned.
"Then why don't you turn it off?" Akane asked.
"And miss the ending!?"
"These things never end. Catch the re-run." Akane offered.
"They never re-run." Kasumi noted. "Never in my years of being the home maker have I seen a re-run."
*Now back to Soap Opera Re-Runs Volume XV!*
Akane looked at everyone, Ranma wondered what she was going to do. Thus far everyone to set eyes on the TV had joined in the mindless watching of it. Akane however seemed to be stupid enough to be immune, she walked over and turned the TV off. "You are all freed!" She declared.
"Andrea was just about to announce the father of her baby!" Kasumi cried.
"Epona was going to take Ray back!" Nabiki wept.
"Ernk! Ernk!" Ryoga/P-Chan grunted threateningly.
Ranma decided to join in, "Ya turned off the bright box with colors and peoples in it!" He shouted.
Soon the entire household was chasing after Akane, Ryoga still on Ranma's head like a pig skin cap.
"Now I'll never know the secrets of true love!" Kasumi shouted.
"And I'll never know if Ray comes out of his coma!" Nabiki cried.
"And I'll never know if the marathon ends in time for the As the Earth Spins re-runs!" Ranma wailed.
"And I'll never know why you guys were all watching it if you hated it!" Akane wailed, running as if her life depended on it, and that strange look in Kasumi's eyes suggested that it did.
All in all Ranma was amazed at what staying home all day was like, he pitied Ryoga.
That night . . .
The Ninjas were outside in ambuscade, most of them had broken out of prison.
"The girl who can somehow manage to kick all of our butts wants the little black piglet, or the boy with the bandanna."
"What if we see both of them?"
"Then capture the both of them you moron!"
At that time Nabiki and a recently human again Ryoga were sitting in the living room speaking in hushed tones.
"Kasumi is onto us." Nabiki whispered.
"Why do you say that?" Ryoga asked. "I don't think anyone knows."
"Really? Why then, did Kasumi ask me how you were in bed?"
"She's joking, just joking." Ryoga shrugged.
"It doesn't matter." Nabiki scowled. She glanced at Ryoga and took in every detail, having the strangest feeling that something strange was about to happen. Ryoga leaned towards her and they kissed briefly, then she separated herself from him, hearing what she thought was Kasumi walking towards them.
She glanced at Ryoga again and asked, "Just how many of those bandannas do you have?"
"I used to have about one hundred, but I lose some whenever I fight Ranma."
"How many are you wearing now?"
"Just two." Ryoga shrugged. "I keep others hidden in various areas of my person, ready to be hurtled at that cad at a moment's notice."
"Right . . . gotcha." Nabiki nodded. She looked into Ryoga's eyes and he turned away, blushing.
"Wh-why do you ask?"
"Just curious." She said with a shrug. "I thought maybe it was a magical bandanna that replicates itself."
"It isn't." Ryoga assured her. He looked over and then gulped. "Do you . . . eh . . . want one?"
He offered her one of the many hidden bandannas. Nabiki felt her cheeks turning red, but took the yellow and black piece of cloth and inspected it for a moment. She tied it around her neck rather than head, and shrugged.
"How does it look on me?" She asked.
"Beautiful . . ." Ryoga mumbled, he looked enchanted.
They leaned towards each other, their lips were millimeters away when Ranma popped up. "Can I have one too?"
"Hey!" Ryoga cried as Ranma jumped onto the couch between him and Nabiki. He snatched one of Ryoga's bandannas and put it on. "Check me out! I'm Ryoga!"
"Actually . . . you really do look like Ryoga." Nabiki nodded. "And did you notice you're sitting down?"
As if on command the pain receptors in Ranma's rear end sent messages to his brain shouting that he was in fact sitting down and the pigtailed boy leapt up screaming and rubbing his rear.
"Give that back you-" Ryoga lunged forward in a mad attempt to get the bandanna back.
"Down P-Chan!" Ranma said, pouring a bucket of water on Ryoga. A bucket of water, which had magically appeared in his hands.
That's the exact moment the ninjas broke down the wall and leapt in.
"There's the pig, and there's the boy with the bandanna!"
"Wha? I don't got no-oh no! It's not mine! It's his!" Ranma wailed.
"Hey don't I know you?" One of the ninjas asked.
"Huh? HEY!" Ranma cried. "You're one of the guys from prison!"
"Hey! It's the soap dropper!" Another ninja cried.
"Wow! Who'd have thought this would be Miss. Azusa's Bandanna wearing boyfriend!" Another ninja laughed.
"We're out'a here!" a fourth said, whacking Ranma on the head and grabbing P-Chan. "Off to Azusa's house, where we can be paid and then go to the Cat Café to ogle that cute Chinese waitress!"
Nabiki was left in the dust just wondering what had happened. When her senses came to her the only thing she could think to shout was "Who is paying for repairs on that wall!?"
Meanwhile Azusa had set up a little Piglet house for Charlotte. Since that girl Kasumi had said Charlotte had no sense of direction, there were arrows all over the place pointing to the exit, since Charlotte had no sense of direction Charlotte would follow those arrows and never make it out of the house, or at least that's what Kasumi had said.
The ninjas returned soon with Charlotte and . . . Charlotte?
Charlotte's human form (wearing Ranma's cloths) and Charlotte's piggy form! "Now I have *two* Charlottes!" Azusa wailed with delight. She wasted no time in throwing "little Charlotte" into "her" piglet house, and tying "big Charlotte" up with several tight ropes and hanging "her" from the ceiling until playtime tomorrow.
"Yer nuts! I'm gonna get free from here and when I do I'll-" "Big" Charlotte was shouting.
"Ernk! Ernk! K-KKEE!" "Little" Charlotte was ranting.
But what Azusa's warped mind heard was . . .
Big Charlotte: Oh I can't wait to play tomorrow!
Little Charlotte: Yay! My own little house! Azusa is so nice!
And so Azusa, with a happy heart paid the ninjas then went to sleep in her bed, which she'd named Bernie after it had told her it was a boy.
"Good night Patrice! Good night Madeline! Good night Allison! Good night Little Charlotte! (K-KEEE!) Good night Big Charlotte!"
"The brain is rushing to my blood! I mean the blood is rushing to my brain!" Big Charlotte cried.
"Kee-kee-kee-kee-kee!" Little Charlotte pointed and laughed at Big Charlotte.
"Okay Kasumi, a bunch of ninjas just leapt in and stole Ryoga, we need to go get him back!" Nabiki announced suddenly.
"Why?" Kasumi asked.
"Because . . . eh . . . I said so!"
"Nice scarf." Kasumi said with a clueless smile.
"Shaddap! C'mon now, they took Ranma too!"
"RANMA!" Akane shouted. She ran down stairs from her bedroom. "It's one thing for Azusa to steal your boyfriend Nabiki, but for her to steal MY Fiancée? I won't have it!" Akane ranted.
"What do you mean boyfriend!" Nabiki demanded.
"Nice scarf." Akane said with a wicked grin. "Nabiki Hibiki? At least your first and last names will rhyme."
"Oh you're going down baby sister!" Nabiki warned.
"Really though, why should we go after them? Ryoga will escape again and with Ranma there he'll know how to get back." Kasumi shrugged.
"Unless they get into a fight." Akane noted.
Then another terror struck Nabiki. Sure it was bad if Ryoga were taken away from her, but what if he was taken away *and* he got into a fight without her there to pool the bets? "I WON'T HAVE IT!" She shouted suddenly. She grabbed her sisters by the wrists and ran off through the recently made hole in the wall, passing Mousse on the street Nabiki shouted "Mousse, our home has a very large hole in the wall, if you stay there and guard it and make sure no thieves come inside while we're gone I'll get you a date with Shampoo!"
"Done!" Mousse shouted. Had Nabiki stuck around she might have noticed that he started guarding the wrong house, but she was in a terrible hurry.
To Be Continued . . .
Next Chapter . . .
Soun was amazed that Mousse could notice anything, but still he felt uneasy now. "The ninjas are back! We must go back home and sort things out!" He announced.
"Yes, but Genma wont leave the zoo." Nodoka said. "Besides, the children shall handle themselves or my son is no man!"
"They have the blind kid guarding the house!" Soun wailed.