Disclaimer: I do not own Ranma ½. If I did I would buy and sell your sorry butts!
Charlotte's Web
Chapter 15
Azusa's Last Stand!
Mousse sat outside what he thought to be the Tendo home keeping robbers out. It was lucky that he wasn't guarding the house across the street, it had a huge hole in the wall and people were looting the crap out of it!
That's when Mousse heard this low growl, he turned and looked around but saw nothing.
Naturally he could think of only one thing to do. Put his glasses on.
After all, Shampoo wasn't around to see how ridiculous he'd look. To his surprise what he saw was an enormous German Shepherd!
"Shampoo?" He asked. The dog leapt at him in the way he only dreamed Shampoo would and snatched his glasses of his face and ran off to the house that was getting looted. Mousse really couldn't see anything after that. Then an old mane came up to him. "Hey sonny! Are you hurt? What are ya doing outside my home?"
"Back, robbers!" Mousse cried. "I have sworn to defend the Tendo home from robbers and if you try to pass me you will know the fury of Mousse, master of-"
"The Tendo house is across the street young'un. And it's being cleaned out right now!"
"What!?" Mousse cried, putting on his spare pair of glasses. He lowered his head in defeat. "Aww I hate doing favors for Nabiki Tendo anyway!" He scowled.
Ryoga woke up in the middle of the night, he was very comfortable, he was a pig on a pillow, a very comfortable pillow. He expected to look to the side and see Nabiki instead he saw a pink wall.
'Oh yeah . . . I'm back at my third home . . .' Ryoga thought. 'Curse that girl!'
"Oh Charlotte!" Azusa cried. "Charlotte wake up now! Azusa has prepared your brekkie-festie!"
'Has she gotten worse since I left? Where's that window?' Ryoga thought. He waddled out of his house and looked around. 'What the heck? What time is it!?' Ranma was hanging from the ceiling, still wearing Ryoga's bandanna.
Azusa held up two pork chops. "Berkkie time Charlotte!"
'She's insane!' Ryoga thought. 'You can't feed a pig pork chops! Even if you did, what sane person eats them for breakfast?"
Azusa threw one at Ranma who swing and caught it in his mouth. "M'you may me meeding me mut mont mink my mont mry mo met gulp away!" Ranma shouted.
"Oh Charlotte! You're so silly!" Azusa threw a pork chop at Ryoga, who, realizing he was hungry leapt into the air to catch it, however he was batted down by Ranma who swung to get his teeth on it.
The whole thing seemed strangely familiar . . . 'Hey!' Ryoga thought. 'That jerk! That's how we met, him stealing food from me!' "ERNK! ERNK!"
"Relax Ryoga!" Ranma yawned as he swung from the ceiling. "Didn't want you to cannibalize on the thing!"
Ryoga tried to jump at Ranma's face but the other boy swing around, his legs being tied to the ceiling he seemed to have no problem avoid Ryoga's Patented Bouncing Piglet Attack.
"Now now!" Azusa said. "No fighting! You two need a bathy bath!"
"NO!" Ranma cried. "Yer not going to bathe ME!"
'YES!' Ryoga thought. 'I'll be human again!'
"Charlotte, can you take Charlotte and Charlotte to the wash room and give them bathies?"
"Yes madam." The butler groaned. "And my name is not Charlotte, Miss. Azusa."
"Whatever." Azusa said, looking through her closet for a dumb looking outfit to wear. Or so Ryoga thought, instead she whipped out a red dress with white polka dots and threw it at the butler. "Make-um big Charlotte wear-um dis when she gets out of the Shower!"
Ryoga couldn't help it, as Ranma yelped he tossed and turned, laughing his piglet head off. He didn't see Azusa whip out the dreaded "Stretchy, not Fitty" dress from his last visit, apparently re-sewn after the run in with the bald eagle.
About Five Seconds Later . . .
"C-C-COLD!" Ranko screamed.
"ERNK?" A very ticked off Ryoga. 'Still haven't fixed their pipes? Well I understand what with all the money they must spend on Azusa's therapy, which doesn't seem to be working! Oh no, I'm talking to myself!'
"Oh my . . . the boy with the bandanna turns into a pretty girl!" The butler cried. "The gods have granted me my greatest desire! Come to me oh beautiful water-sprite!"
"WAK!" Ranko yelped in surprise as the butler clomped down on her with enthusiasm that put Shampoo to shame!
'I wonder if he's related to Kuno . . .' Ryoga thought, as the butler began spouting poetry, fondling Ranko in ways that again put Shampoo to shame.
So really it was no surprise when Ranma finally retaliated, and threw the guy across the room making a hole in the wall. "Watch it buddy!" Ranko shouted. "I've been to prison, I'm one crazy mo-fo!"
"Ernk!" Ryoga nodded. 'Yes, you are crazy and you probably are a mo-fo, whatever that is, I'm not sure I want to know.'
"Charlotte! Charlotte! What are you doing? Gasp Oh no! Josephine!" Azusa wailed.
"I am not Josephine!" The butler groaned.
"Bad Big Charlotte! You're going to have to be punished!"
"KEE-KEE-KEE!" Ryoga snickered. 'Heh-heh! Ranma gets punished!'
"It was his fault!" Ranko said, pointing at Ryoga.
Ryoga stopped snickering when Azusa whacked him over the head with a mallet.
Nabiki sat in Azusa's extravagant home. She would, she told herself, have to remember to buy this place some day; just so she could have it burned to the ground. It smelled funny, thought not necessarily in a bad way, it smelled like cinnamon. Nabiki must have missed the scent the last time she came, but then again she didn't really care.
"It's a pleasure to see you again sir." She said to Azusa's father.
"I wish I could say the same. You still have my watch, don't you!?"
"You mean *this* old thing?" Nabiki asked, revealing the gold Rolex, which she'd discovered, was a fake anyway. "You want it back?"
"Yes, extremely! My wife thinks I've been gambling again!"
"But you *were* gambling." Akane pointed out.
"And you, like so many others lost to our Nabiki." Kasumi added.
"I didn't know she was actually any good at it!" Azusa's father wailed. "I invented that game myself so that no matter what I always won, but somehow she kept winning anyway! But I need that watch back! Let me win it in a game of strip poker, please?"
"No." Nabiki said calmly. "If we did that, my sisters would be down to their unmentionables before midnigh. I will however give you the watch in exchange for my little sister's pet piglet."
"Really, I think he's mostly Nabiki's pet now." Akane whispered to Kasumi who just giggled.
Nabiki shot them a deadly glare.
"The pig again?" Azusa's father groaned. "Okay look, I'll give you the pig in exchange for the watch, and five minutes with your little sister."
"DIE PERVERT!" Akane screamed.
She grabbed the couch she and Kasumi were sharing-with Kasumi still sitting on it-and got ready to hit a home run, then Azusa's father wailed, "No! I didn't mean it that way! Honest! What I *meant* to say with five minutes . . . of eh . . . your little sister playing with my poor lonely Azusa! If she can survive-I mean handle that, she can
have her pet piggy back!"
"Well," Kasumi said, still sitting on the couch which was still being healed above Akane's head, "it seems a good bargain, and perhaps Akane will find some way to get *her* boyfriend back as well."
"Her what?" Nabiki frowned. "Oh, Ranma! Hey, I forgot about him!"
"I'm not doing it!" Akane wailed.
"For the good of the entire family, you must." Kasumi said blankly.
"And if you don't, I happen to know about a little some one doing a little something she wasn't supposed to be doing in the dojo!" Nabiki added.
"My goodness!" Kasumi gasped. "You mean . . . Akane was . . ."
"Yep." Nabiki nodded.
"What?" Akane asked.
"Akane!" Kasumi gasped. "You were tracking mud into the dojo!?"
Nabiki, Akane and even Azusa's father who'd stopped listening to the bickering sisters some time ago, fell face forward in classic anime style.
"I guess so." Akane said when she recovered.
"I suppose I'll leave it at that for now . . ." Nabiki nodded to her little sister. "But mark my words, you go get Ryoga back or I'll tell the whole world your still wearing a training bra!"
"But it isn't true!" Akane said. "No one will believe you!"
"Are you so sure?" Nabiki asked. "An accusation is as good as real fact, especially when the person accused has no way of disproving the accusation without losing face!"
"You've confused me." Kasumi piped in.
"Okay girls!" Azusa's father said. "I tell you what. Since you cant seem to decide who's going to go, you can all go for a total of five minutes if you want your pig back. Deal?"
"No deal!" Akane cried.
'Is Ryoga worth it?' Nabiki wondered.
"I suppose it's alright, but really none of us have slept at all tonight." Kasumi noted.
"Kasumi, it's almost morning." Akane said.
Nabiki shook her head, then nodded. Then she shook her head again. "I'll do it!" She said. "But if I have to spend more than five minutes with her I keep the watch!"
"CHARLOTTE! COME BACK HERE CHARLOTTE!" Azusa wailed from up stairs, the ceiling plaster began to snow down and there was an explosion of some sort.
Azusa's father said, in a voice so calm with a face so blank not even Kasumi could have looked more detached from the real world, "That's fair."
Ranko was sitting in a corner, snickering as Ryoga received his punishment, to be used as a doll in a game of dolls with several expensive looking dolls that looked to be in a state of disrepair from no doubt numerous displays of "mallet justice" and such.
Then some guy shouted, "Azusa sweetie, I have three brand new friends for you to play with!"
"Oh goodie!" Azusa squealed. Ranko's jaw dropped when Kasumi, Nabiki and Akane came into the room-in that order-Azusa squealed with delight. "I'll name her Marguerite, she'll be Brooke, and she's . . . eh . . . Esmeralda!"
'Running out of French names?' Ranko thought. "Akane!" She shouted. "Hey, you came to rescue me! Now untie me!"
However the girls seemed intent on ignoring her. "Let's get one thing straight, first of all we have names. Good names, we like them." Nabiki said.
"Actually, I wouldn't mind being called Marguerite." Akane noted.
"Silence!" Nabiki hissed. "Now listen up Azusa, my name is Nabiki and you know it's Nabiki! These are my sisters, one of whom I think you've met, the short loud mouth, Akane."
"Short!?" Akane screeched.
"And this is Kasumi," Nabiki was explaining, but Azusa cut her off.
"Yes yes! Azusa knows you three! Akane Tendo steals Azusa's Charlotte-"
"He was MY P-Chan!" Akane protested.
"And then Nabiki Tendo steals Charlotte again, and sneaks away from the WPDDC show without giving Charlotte back like we agreed!"
"Hey, you didn't win, so technically Ry-Charlotte is still mine." Nabiki scowled.
"And Kasumi Tendo, she told Azusa how to capture darling Charlotte!"
Nabiki turned on Kasumi and glared. Ranko actually found herself glaring at Kasumi as well.
"We'll . . . talk about this . . . later." Nabiki said very softly, as if she were trying to keep from screaming. "Listen up Azusa," Nabiki said finally. "I'm just here for *my* Charlotte-I mean Ryoga. I want him back, he's got chores to do. I need to take him to school tomorrow-well *today* as well, so if you don't mind . . ."
"But he is Azusa's Charlotte!"
Ranma scowled. "Why isn't anyone trying to save ME?"
"Yer a big lad, ye can take care of yourself." Akane said with an accent.
Then to everyone's surprise, Nabiki fell to her knees and threw her arms around Azusa's waist, and began to weep. "Oh Azusa! Have mercy! Ryoga and I have promised to marry each other, and the children, they will grow up without a father because he's some girl's pet?"
"Yes." Azusa said.
"You have kids!?" Akane gasped, Nabiki shot her a glare that Azusa didn't seem to notice since she was trying to pry the older girl off her waist.
"Oh Azusa . . . with the last name that I cant remember! Please release unto me, my beloved and we shall forever raise our voices in praise to your generosity!"
"No." Azusa said.
"Oh well." Nabiki said with a sigh, standing up and ceasing her cries as if she were simply removing a mask, and in a sense Ranma realized she was. "Your father has to give him to us anyway if he wants his watch back." Nabiki said. "We just have to play with you for five minutes. So . . . what sort of games do you play with *my* pet pig Azusa?"
"Azusa's father has no control over Azusa because Azusa has what's called 'leverage' over him, with discriminating photographs of him playing poker with discriminating people, whatever discriminating means. Besides, Azusa doesn't play games! Azusa and Charlotte have grand adventures!" Azusa said, grabbing the unconscious Ryoga and holding him to her bosom. Ranko snickered, if Ryoga were awake he'd probably be proving that pigs could blush.
"That is the dumbest thing I've ever heard." Nabiki scowled.
"Wow, this bed is so soft!" Akane yawned.
"Is it?" Kasumi asked. Soon to both of them were asleep on Azusa's bed.
"Feels like it's been jumped on a lot." Akane said.
"Well she *is* friends with Mikado." Ranma pointed out. Akane and Kasumi jumped off the worn-out bed . . . then fell back down on it.
"Hey!" Azusa cried.
"Give back the pig and we'll give you your bed!" Nabiki said in triumph.
"Hey!" Ranko whined.
"Oh, right, the sex-changing freak too."
"Freak!? You're fawning over a guy who not only transforms into a cute little piglet, but has no sense of direction whatsoever, AND fangs like Dracula! Who's the freak?!"
"Actually I think the fangs are kind of sexy, but I see your point." Nabiki nodded. "Regardless Azusa, surrender the pig or-"
"HALT!" Kuno shouted, jumping through the window on . . . thing wings of an American Bald Eagle?
"So many rare beauties in one room, how could I stay away?" Mikado sighed, leaping into the window after Kuno.
"Craptastic!" Nabiki groaned. "Two of the biggest–I grant you cutest–perverts in town! Kuno-baby, if you're going to sneak into a girl's room wait until her guests are gone. Especially if the guest is me!"
"Nabiki Tendo-I must prevent you from abducting the Charlotte!"
"And I came because this Tatewaki "Blue Thunder" Kuno said there were lots of pretty girls here I could kiss." Mikado noted. "So, shall we, my sweet?" He asked, taking Nabiki's hand.
Nabiki actually seemed to be considering it, she looked him up and down then shook her head.
"Are you wearing ice skates?"
"Eh . . . yes." Mikado admitted.
"Mickey!" Azusa whined. "They wanna take-um Charlotte away from Azusa!"
"Why on earth would I care?" Mikado shrugged.
"WHO CARES?!" Ranko agreed. "Now get me down from here!"
"Pigtailed goddess!" Kuno cried. Ranko sighed.
"This is going to be a long night." Nabiki said.
Indeed it was. Azusa watched as Marianne (Kuno) cut free big Charlotte, and was rewarded with a kick in the groin, this made Azusa giggle. Then Mikado and Marianne started fighting because they both wanted to kiss Big Charlotte. The whole time Azusa cradled little Charlotte in her arms happily, very amused with what was going on.
Eventually big Charlotte was drawn into the fighting, beating down on Marianne, but also giving Mikado a fair helping of pain.
Then finally, the mean Nabiki Tendo came over and said to Azusa in a mean evil voice "I'm the mean Nabiki Tendo and if you don't give me your Charlotte I'll blow your house down!"
What she actually say was "Listen Azusa, if you don't give me back Ryoga, I'll have to take him from you!" (Yeah, that's so much better eh?)
"Azusa doesn't care what threats you use, Azusa is not giving up her Charlotte!"
"Then I'll huff, and I'll puff, and I'll blow your house in!" The mean Nabiki Tendo said.
What was actually said was "Then you leave me no choice! Kasumi! Get me a liquor bottle, a rag and a book of matches!"
But Nice Kasumi Tendo was sleeping. So was Very Mean Akane Tendo.
Then Big Charlotte said, "Why don't we wake Ryoga up and ask him who he wants to stay with?"
But what was actually said was "This little piggy goes to market and we live in a shoe!"
Everyone stared at her, and then big Charlotte said, "I love playing with Azusa!"
What was actually said was "You have to speak her language! It's the only way she'll understand!"
Then Big Charlotte said, "Lets turn Charlotte into a human so he can choose which one of you he wants to marry."
~The princess kissed the frog and he threw her down a well!~ Ranma's true words.
"Marry?" Azusa frowned.
"Yes, whom ever Charlotte chooses gets to marry Charlotte and live happily ever after!"
~ Who said anything 'bout marriage? Oh forget it-long as ya get the idea!~
"Yes!" Azusa squealed. "We will let Charlotte choose who Charlotte wants to live with!"
"Well did anyone bring a spare pair of cloths?" Nabiki Tendo demanded. Everyone stared at her for a moment and she shook her head "Alright! Fine! Yes I *am* that well prepared! But it'll cost you!"
"But *you* want the Fanged Wanderer back!" Marianne said. "Why then shall we pay you?"
"Because the deal includes a gift package, fifteen pictures of Akane and the Pigtailed Girl, all at the mere price of twenty thousand yen!"
"For so many pictures of Akane Tendo and the pigtailed girl? I would gladly pay double!" Marianne cried, then slapped his hands over his mouth.
Mean Nabiki Tendo nodded and said "Very well, then pay double Kuno-baby, consider it donation to charity."
"What charity?" Mikado asked.
"Nabiki's pocket charity! And we *always* welcome donations." Nabiki said calmly.
Azusa giggled because that must mean Nabiki was always poor!
So preparations were made and a kettle of hot water was brought in, first big Charlotte became a boy again, in front of Marianne, and tried to explain that Charlotte was Charlotte, but Marianne demanded to know where the Pigtailed Girl had gone. Regardless Big Charlotte as a boy poured water over little Charlotte who grew into a fairy prince just like in the fairy tales!
This also woke up little Charlotte, who quickly got dressed in the cloths mean Nabiki had brought him. A pair Khaki pants and a green T-shirt.
"My god Nabiki!" Big Charlotte gasped. "Can't you pick out cloths?"
"I look like a geek! I have a strange urge to beat *myself* up!" Little Charlotte said.
"I'll do it for ya!" Big Charlotte said, punching little Charlotte in the stomach.
"What'd you do that for?" Little Charlotte groaned.
"I ain't entirely sure." Big Charlotte admitted.
"Well it's not my fault if you can't appreciate fashion Ryoga!" Mean Nabiki said. "Now, choose which one of us you want to stay with."
"Okay . . . what?"
"Azusa and Mean Nabiki Tendo are going to let little Charlotte choose which one of us he really loves and wants to marry!"
"WAK!" Charlotte fell face forward.
"Marriage!?" Mean Nabiki demanded. "This is for ownership of a pig!"
"Can we just get this over with?" Big Charlotte asked. "Choose a bride Ryoga!"
"*You* of all people should be more compassionate, Ranma." Akane Tendo said, rubbing sleep from her mean evil eyes. "What with Shampoo and Ukyo and Kodachi . . ."
"I would be, but Ryoga is a jerk, so I'm callous."
Yes it had come down to this-Ryoga Hibiki a.k.a. Little Charlotte had to choose his future owner, Nabiki or Azusa. Who would he choose?
Meanwhile . . . guess where . . . on da islands . . . that's where . . .
"We've searched for Genma for a long time, where is he?" Soun groaned.
"I do not know," Nodoka frowned, "but I think the answer is obvious. It must be under our noses."
A man walked by passing out fliers for the Hawaiian Zoo. "See our petting zoo! See our newest Sign Wielding Panda! See our elephants!"
"Sing Wielding Panda?" Soun frowned.
"Let's go see it. Perhaps it will remind us of dear lost Genma." Nodoka said.
"Eh . . . wait, when did you-"
"The three of us, on a beach, drunk or not did you think I'd not notice my husband being a Panda? Besides, you fool I've known all the time!"
"Oh-ho. How?"
"That damn panda kept pinching my butt!" Nodoka cried. "Only Genma would be stupid enough to do that!"
"I won't argue with that I suppose." Soun said. "Well, let's get going then."
Genma was reclining on a rock, two female pandas were feeding him bamboo, and a male panda was lying in a bruised heap in the other corner. Soun knew his old comrade anywhere, that panda was old Saotome alright!
"Look at the fool, does he think pandas are so like humans that they will sit thus and be fed by beautiful panda-women?" Nodoka scowled.
"Actually pandas are much more like humans than many give them credit for, they are intelligent and-" A zoo worker said, but Nodoka cut him off with a raised hand.
"You would be surprised how human that panda is." Soun grumbled.
"Take us to the Panda!" Nodoka cried.
"But-"
The panda held up a sign that said "They're with me Pedro!" and the Zookeeper nodded and led Soun and Nodoka into the pen.
There Nodoka quickly produced some hot water and splashed Genma, he became his normal fat worthless self.
Soun watched with a mixture of curiosity and fear, waiting to see what Saotome's wife would do to him.
"And what . . ." she said slowly, "were you doing with those . . . panda hussies?"
"Wha? Oh eh . . . I beat up the alpha male so I rule the pack!"
"Pandas don't travel in packs!" Nodoka cried.
"Nor do most scientists believe they have interest in same-gender sex, but I've got the swollen rear end to prove that theory!"
"But . . . how can you possibly establish yourself as leader of a bunch of wild animals Saotome? Don't you want to go back to Japan?" Tendo asked.
"We are rich Tendo! And everything is so cheap here!"
"Yes I know but-"
"And best of all, no blasted kids!"
The three adults paused.
Nodoka spoke first. "Three and a half teenage girls. And, from what Tendo tells me Ryoga is there too, leaving one and a half teenage boys . . . how stupid are you two?" She demanded.
The two grown men looked like little boys who had just been caught stealing cookies from the cookie jar. Sorry for what they'd done, but mostly just because they'd been caught.
"So . . . when we do go back in another week . . . what are the odds Ranma and Akane will both still be alive?" Saotome asked.
Soun thought about this one, but Nodoka answered with what Soun realized was common sense.
"When we return in *twenty* days, what are the odds that Ranma and Akane, getting along well as Nabiki said, wont both have something to hide from us? If a marriage is what you two desire from the children, then leave them be for as long as you can. Besides, I'm not ready to give up these beaches."
"There are beaches back in Japan!" Tendo cried. "My daughter's purity is at stake!"
"That's true." Nodoka said. "Husband, we must go."
"What? Why?" Genma asked. "I get everything I need here, two meals a day, two women-a bit hairy mind you but I'll survive, and an adoring public! Besides, Akane is a responsible girl, she wouldn't put out for some one like our boy!"
"Or would she?" Nodoka remarked. "Don't you care that some strange boy is living in the house?"
"Kasumi asked Ryoga to stay, and Nabiki didn't seem opposed to it . . . I think I can trust Ryoga, unlike Ranma he doesn't have a harem following him-poor unlucky kid." Soun said.
"Yes, indeed. Well Kasumi is an adult, she can handle things." Nodoka said.
"Why don't we call them now just to make sure?" Genma asked.
"Oh, I'm sure they are all asleep right now." Nodoka said. "It's early morning over there."
"Yes, they will all be asleep." Soun agreed.
They rushed to a phone and called home, there was no answer. "Yes, I was correct, they are all asleep." Nodoka said. Then Soun froze when the unwanted answer came.
"Hello?" Mousse asked.
"Mousse? What are you doing there?"
"It's a party, everyone is here."
"WHAT!?"
"I am only joking." Mousse said. "Who is this?"
"This is Soun Tendo, what the heck are you doing there?"
"Nabiki Tendo ordered me to guard the house, for a large hole was made in the wall. I am protecting it from looters."
"Why is there a large hole in the wall!?" Soun demanded.
"I do not know this." Mousse said. "But all three girls were running very quickly, and I did notice some ninjas earlier as I walked down the street."
Soun was amazed that Mousse could notice anything, but still he felt uneasy now. "The ninjas are back! We must go back home and sort things out!" He announced.
"Yes, but Genma wont leave the zoo." Nodoka said. "Besides, the children shall handle themselves or my son is no man!"
"They have the blind kid guarding the house!" Soun wailed.
"Yes, well I am sure everything will be alright when we get back in *twenty* days."
"Ten!"
"Thirty!" Nodoka scowled.
"Fifteen!" Soun compromised.
"Fifty!"
"Do you want to be a grand mother?" Soun growled.
" . . . Ten." Nodoka agreed at last.
To Be Continued . . .
Next Chapter . . .
"I shall pay you this money back!" Mousse announced. "I swear that for every article that is damaged I will pay you it's worth!"
"Is that a fact?" Nabiki asked. She looked around, then Akane saw her break a vase on Ryoga's head. The shape-changing boy transformed into a pig and lay in a heap at Nabiki's feet along with a pair of roses that had been in the vase. "Family heirloom vase: ten thousand yen, flowers inside: three thousand yen, getting to smash something on Ryoga's head: priceless."
Charlotte's Web
Chapter 15
Azusa's Last Stand!
Mousse sat outside what he thought to be the Tendo home keeping robbers out. It was lucky that he wasn't guarding the house across the street, it had a huge hole in the wall and people were looting the crap out of it!
That's when Mousse heard this low growl, he turned and looked around but saw nothing.
Naturally he could think of only one thing to do. Put his glasses on.
After all, Shampoo wasn't around to see how ridiculous he'd look. To his surprise what he saw was an enormous German Shepherd!
"Shampoo?" He asked. The dog leapt at him in the way he only dreamed Shampoo would and snatched his glasses of his face and ran off to the house that was getting looted. Mousse really couldn't see anything after that. Then an old mane came up to him. "Hey sonny! Are you hurt? What are ya doing outside my home?"
"Back, robbers!" Mousse cried. "I have sworn to defend the Tendo home from robbers and if you try to pass me you will know the fury of Mousse, master of-"
"The Tendo house is across the street young'un. And it's being cleaned out right now!"
"What!?" Mousse cried, putting on his spare pair of glasses. He lowered his head in defeat. "Aww I hate doing favors for Nabiki Tendo anyway!" He scowled.
Ryoga woke up in the middle of the night, he was very comfortable, he was a pig on a pillow, a very comfortable pillow. He expected to look to the side and see Nabiki instead he saw a pink wall.
'Oh yeah . . . I'm back at my third home . . .' Ryoga thought. 'Curse that girl!'
"Oh Charlotte!" Azusa cried. "Charlotte wake up now! Azusa has prepared your brekkie-festie!"
'Has she gotten worse since I left? Where's that window?' Ryoga thought. He waddled out of his house and looked around. 'What the heck? What time is it!?' Ranma was hanging from the ceiling, still wearing Ryoga's bandanna.
Azusa held up two pork chops. "Berkkie time Charlotte!"
'She's insane!' Ryoga thought. 'You can't feed a pig pork chops! Even if you did, what sane person eats them for breakfast?"
Azusa threw one at Ranma who swing and caught it in his mouth. "M'you may me meeding me mut mont mink my mont mry mo met gulp away!" Ranma shouted.
"Oh Charlotte! You're so silly!" Azusa threw a pork chop at Ryoga, who, realizing he was hungry leapt into the air to catch it, however he was batted down by Ranma who swung to get his teeth on it.
The whole thing seemed strangely familiar . . . 'Hey!' Ryoga thought. 'That jerk! That's how we met, him stealing food from me!' "ERNK! ERNK!"
"Relax Ryoga!" Ranma yawned as he swung from the ceiling. "Didn't want you to cannibalize on the thing!"
Ryoga tried to jump at Ranma's face but the other boy swing around, his legs being tied to the ceiling he seemed to have no problem avoid Ryoga's Patented Bouncing Piglet Attack.
"Now now!" Azusa said. "No fighting! You two need a bathy bath!"
"NO!" Ranma cried. "Yer not going to bathe ME!"
'YES!' Ryoga thought. 'I'll be human again!'
"Charlotte, can you take Charlotte and Charlotte to the wash room and give them bathies?"
"Yes madam." The butler groaned. "And my name is not Charlotte, Miss. Azusa."
"Whatever." Azusa said, looking through her closet for a dumb looking outfit to wear. Or so Ryoga thought, instead she whipped out a red dress with white polka dots and threw it at the butler. "Make-um big Charlotte wear-um dis when she gets out of the Shower!"
Ryoga couldn't help it, as Ranma yelped he tossed and turned, laughing his piglet head off. He didn't see Azusa whip out the dreaded "Stretchy, not Fitty" dress from his last visit, apparently re-sewn after the run in with the bald eagle.
About Five Seconds Later . . .
"C-C-COLD!" Ranko screamed.
"ERNK?" A very ticked off Ryoga. 'Still haven't fixed their pipes? Well I understand what with all the money they must spend on Azusa's therapy, which doesn't seem to be working! Oh no, I'm talking to myself!'
"Oh my . . . the boy with the bandanna turns into a pretty girl!" The butler cried. "The gods have granted me my greatest desire! Come to me oh beautiful water-sprite!"
"WAK!" Ranko yelped in surprise as the butler clomped down on her with enthusiasm that put Shampoo to shame!
'I wonder if he's related to Kuno . . .' Ryoga thought, as the butler began spouting poetry, fondling Ranko in ways that again put Shampoo to shame.
So really it was no surprise when Ranma finally retaliated, and threw the guy across the room making a hole in the wall. "Watch it buddy!" Ranko shouted. "I've been to prison, I'm one crazy mo-fo!"
"Ernk!" Ryoga nodded. 'Yes, you are crazy and you probably are a mo-fo, whatever that is, I'm not sure I want to know.'
"Charlotte! Charlotte! What are you doing? Gasp Oh no! Josephine!" Azusa wailed.
"I am not Josephine!" The butler groaned.
"Bad Big Charlotte! You're going to have to be punished!"
"KEE-KEE-KEE!" Ryoga snickered. 'Heh-heh! Ranma gets punished!'
"It was his fault!" Ranko said, pointing at Ryoga.
Ryoga stopped snickering when Azusa whacked him over the head with a mallet.
Nabiki sat in Azusa's extravagant home. She would, she told herself, have to remember to buy this place some day; just so she could have it burned to the ground. It smelled funny, thought not necessarily in a bad way, it smelled like cinnamon. Nabiki must have missed the scent the last time she came, but then again she didn't really care.
"It's a pleasure to see you again sir." She said to Azusa's father.
"I wish I could say the same. You still have my watch, don't you!?"
"You mean *this* old thing?" Nabiki asked, revealing the gold Rolex, which she'd discovered, was a fake anyway. "You want it back?"
"Yes, extremely! My wife thinks I've been gambling again!"
"But you *were* gambling." Akane pointed out.
"And you, like so many others lost to our Nabiki." Kasumi added.
"I didn't know she was actually any good at it!" Azusa's father wailed. "I invented that game myself so that no matter what I always won, but somehow she kept winning anyway! But I need that watch back! Let me win it in a game of strip poker, please?"
"No." Nabiki said calmly. "If we did that, my sisters would be down to their unmentionables before midnigh. I will however give you the watch in exchange for my little sister's pet piglet."
"Really, I think he's mostly Nabiki's pet now." Akane whispered to Kasumi who just giggled.
Nabiki shot them a deadly glare.
"The pig again?" Azusa's father groaned. "Okay look, I'll give you the pig in exchange for the watch, and five minutes with your little sister."
"DIE PERVERT!" Akane screamed.
She grabbed the couch she and Kasumi were sharing-with Kasumi still sitting on it-and got ready to hit a home run, then Azusa's father wailed, "No! I didn't mean it that way! Honest! What I *meant* to say with five minutes . . . of eh . . . your little sister playing with my poor lonely Azusa! If she can survive-I mean handle that, she can
have her pet piggy back!"
"Well," Kasumi said, still sitting on the couch which was still being healed above Akane's head, "it seems a good bargain, and perhaps Akane will find some way to get *her* boyfriend back as well."
"Her what?" Nabiki frowned. "Oh, Ranma! Hey, I forgot about him!"
"I'm not doing it!" Akane wailed.
"For the good of the entire family, you must." Kasumi said blankly.
"And if you don't, I happen to know about a little some one doing a little something she wasn't supposed to be doing in the dojo!" Nabiki added.
"My goodness!" Kasumi gasped. "You mean . . . Akane was . . ."
"Yep." Nabiki nodded.
"What?" Akane asked.
"Akane!" Kasumi gasped. "You were tracking mud into the dojo!?"
Nabiki, Akane and even Azusa's father who'd stopped listening to the bickering sisters some time ago, fell face forward in classic anime style.
"I guess so." Akane said when she recovered.
"I suppose I'll leave it at that for now . . ." Nabiki nodded to her little sister. "But mark my words, you go get Ryoga back or I'll tell the whole world your still wearing a training bra!"
"But it isn't true!" Akane said. "No one will believe you!"
"Are you so sure?" Nabiki asked. "An accusation is as good as real fact, especially when the person accused has no way of disproving the accusation without losing face!"
"You've confused me." Kasumi piped in.
"Okay girls!" Azusa's father said. "I tell you what. Since you cant seem to decide who's going to go, you can all go for a total of five minutes if you want your pig back. Deal?"
"No deal!" Akane cried.
'Is Ryoga worth it?' Nabiki wondered.
"I suppose it's alright, but really none of us have slept at all tonight." Kasumi noted.
"Kasumi, it's almost morning." Akane said.
Nabiki shook her head, then nodded. Then she shook her head again. "I'll do it!" She said. "But if I have to spend more than five minutes with her I keep the watch!"
"CHARLOTTE! COME BACK HERE CHARLOTTE!" Azusa wailed from up stairs, the ceiling plaster began to snow down and there was an explosion of some sort.
Azusa's father said, in a voice so calm with a face so blank not even Kasumi could have looked more detached from the real world, "That's fair."
Ranko was sitting in a corner, snickering as Ryoga received his punishment, to be used as a doll in a game of dolls with several expensive looking dolls that looked to be in a state of disrepair from no doubt numerous displays of "mallet justice" and such.
Then some guy shouted, "Azusa sweetie, I have three brand new friends for you to play with!"
"Oh goodie!" Azusa squealed. Ranko's jaw dropped when Kasumi, Nabiki and Akane came into the room-in that order-Azusa squealed with delight. "I'll name her Marguerite, she'll be Brooke, and she's . . . eh . . . Esmeralda!"
'Running out of French names?' Ranko thought. "Akane!" She shouted. "Hey, you came to rescue me! Now untie me!"
However the girls seemed intent on ignoring her. "Let's get one thing straight, first of all we have names. Good names, we like them." Nabiki said.
"Actually, I wouldn't mind being called Marguerite." Akane noted.
"Silence!" Nabiki hissed. "Now listen up Azusa, my name is Nabiki and you know it's Nabiki! These are my sisters, one of whom I think you've met, the short loud mouth, Akane."
"Short!?" Akane screeched.
"And this is Kasumi," Nabiki was explaining, but Azusa cut her off.
"Yes yes! Azusa knows you three! Akane Tendo steals Azusa's Charlotte-"
"He was MY P-Chan!" Akane protested.
"And then Nabiki Tendo steals Charlotte again, and sneaks away from the WPDDC show without giving Charlotte back like we agreed!"
"Hey, you didn't win, so technically Ry-Charlotte is still mine." Nabiki scowled.
"And Kasumi Tendo, she told Azusa how to capture darling Charlotte!"
Nabiki turned on Kasumi and glared. Ranko actually found herself glaring at Kasumi as well.
"We'll . . . talk about this . . . later." Nabiki said very softly, as if she were trying to keep from screaming. "Listen up Azusa," Nabiki said finally. "I'm just here for *my* Charlotte-I mean Ryoga. I want him back, he's got chores to do. I need to take him to school tomorrow-well *today* as well, so if you don't mind . . ."
"But he is Azusa's Charlotte!"
Ranma scowled. "Why isn't anyone trying to save ME?"
"Yer a big lad, ye can take care of yourself." Akane said with an accent.
Then to everyone's surprise, Nabiki fell to her knees and threw her arms around Azusa's waist, and began to weep. "Oh Azusa! Have mercy! Ryoga and I have promised to marry each other, and the children, they will grow up without a father because he's some girl's pet?"
"Yes." Azusa said.
"You have kids!?" Akane gasped, Nabiki shot her a glare that Azusa didn't seem to notice since she was trying to pry the older girl off her waist.
"Oh Azusa . . . with the last name that I cant remember! Please release unto me, my beloved and we shall forever raise our voices in praise to your generosity!"
"No." Azusa said.
"Oh well." Nabiki said with a sigh, standing up and ceasing her cries as if she were simply removing a mask, and in a sense Ranma realized she was. "Your father has to give him to us anyway if he wants his watch back." Nabiki said. "We just have to play with you for five minutes. So . . . what sort of games do you play with *my* pet pig Azusa?"
"Azusa's father has no control over Azusa because Azusa has what's called 'leverage' over him, with discriminating photographs of him playing poker with discriminating people, whatever discriminating means. Besides, Azusa doesn't play games! Azusa and Charlotte have grand adventures!" Azusa said, grabbing the unconscious Ryoga and holding him to her bosom. Ranko snickered, if Ryoga were awake he'd probably be proving that pigs could blush.
"That is the dumbest thing I've ever heard." Nabiki scowled.
"Wow, this bed is so soft!" Akane yawned.
"Is it?" Kasumi asked. Soon to both of them were asleep on Azusa's bed.
"Feels like it's been jumped on a lot." Akane said.
"Well she *is* friends with Mikado." Ranma pointed out. Akane and Kasumi jumped off the worn-out bed . . . then fell back down on it.
"Hey!" Azusa cried.
"Give back the pig and we'll give you your bed!" Nabiki said in triumph.
"Hey!" Ranko whined.
"Oh, right, the sex-changing freak too."
"Freak!? You're fawning over a guy who not only transforms into a cute little piglet, but has no sense of direction whatsoever, AND fangs like Dracula! Who's the freak?!"
"Actually I think the fangs are kind of sexy, but I see your point." Nabiki nodded. "Regardless Azusa, surrender the pig or-"
"HALT!" Kuno shouted, jumping through the window on . . . thing wings of an American Bald Eagle?
"So many rare beauties in one room, how could I stay away?" Mikado sighed, leaping into the window after Kuno.
"Craptastic!" Nabiki groaned. "Two of the biggest–I grant you cutest–perverts in town! Kuno-baby, if you're going to sneak into a girl's room wait until her guests are gone. Especially if the guest is me!"
"Nabiki Tendo-I must prevent you from abducting the Charlotte!"
"And I came because this Tatewaki "Blue Thunder" Kuno said there were lots of pretty girls here I could kiss." Mikado noted. "So, shall we, my sweet?" He asked, taking Nabiki's hand.
Nabiki actually seemed to be considering it, she looked him up and down then shook her head.
"Are you wearing ice skates?"
"Eh . . . yes." Mikado admitted.
"Mickey!" Azusa whined. "They wanna take-um Charlotte away from Azusa!"
"Why on earth would I care?" Mikado shrugged.
"WHO CARES?!" Ranko agreed. "Now get me down from here!"
"Pigtailed goddess!" Kuno cried. Ranko sighed.
"This is going to be a long night." Nabiki said.
Indeed it was. Azusa watched as Marianne (Kuno) cut free big Charlotte, and was rewarded with a kick in the groin, this made Azusa giggle. Then Mikado and Marianne started fighting because they both wanted to kiss Big Charlotte. The whole time Azusa cradled little Charlotte in her arms happily, very amused with what was going on.
Eventually big Charlotte was drawn into the fighting, beating down on Marianne, but also giving Mikado a fair helping of pain.
Then finally, the mean Nabiki Tendo came over and said to Azusa in a mean evil voice "I'm the mean Nabiki Tendo and if you don't give me your Charlotte I'll blow your house down!"
What she actually say was "Listen Azusa, if you don't give me back Ryoga, I'll have to take him from you!" (Yeah, that's so much better eh?)
"Azusa doesn't care what threats you use, Azusa is not giving up her Charlotte!"
"Then I'll huff, and I'll puff, and I'll blow your house in!" The mean Nabiki Tendo said.
What was actually said was "Then you leave me no choice! Kasumi! Get me a liquor bottle, a rag and a book of matches!"
But Nice Kasumi Tendo was sleeping. So was Very Mean Akane Tendo.
Then Big Charlotte said, "Why don't we wake Ryoga up and ask him who he wants to stay with?"
But what was actually said was "This little piggy goes to market and we live in a shoe!"
Everyone stared at her, and then big Charlotte said, "I love playing with Azusa!"
What was actually said was "You have to speak her language! It's the only way she'll understand!"
Then Big Charlotte said, "Lets turn Charlotte into a human so he can choose which one of you he wants to marry."
~The princess kissed the frog and he threw her down a well!~ Ranma's true words.
"Marry?" Azusa frowned.
"Yes, whom ever Charlotte chooses gets to marry Charlotte and live happily ever after!"
~ Who said anything 'bout marriage? Oh forget it-long as ya get the idea!~
"Yes!" Azusa squealed. "We will let Charlotte choose who Charlotte wants to live with!"
"Well did anyone bring a spare pair of cloths?" Nabiki Tendo demanded. Everyone stared at her for a moment and she shook her head "Alright! Fine! Yes I *am* that well prepared! But it'll cost you!"
"But *you* want the Fanged Wanderer back!" Marianne said. "Why then shall we pay you?"
"Because the deal includes a gift package, fifteen pictures of Akane and the Pigtailed Girl, all at the mere price of twenty thousand yen!"
"For so many pictures of Akane Tendo and the pigtailed girl? I would gladly pay double!" Marianne cried, then slapped his hands over his mouth.
Mean Nabiki Tendo nodded and said "Very well, then pay double Kuno-baby, consider it donation to charity."
"What charity?" Mikado asked.
"Nabiki's pocket charity! And we *always* welcome donations." Nabiki said calmly.
Azusa giggled because that must mean Nabiki was always poor!
So preparations were made and a kettle of hot water was brought in, first big Charlotte became a boy again, in front of Marianne, and tried to explain that Charlotte was Charlotte, but Marianne demanded to know where the Pigtailed Girl had gone. Regardless Big Charlotte as a boy poured water over little Charlotte who grew into a fairy prince just like in the fairy tales!
This also woke up little Charlotte, who quickly got dressed in the cloths mean Nabiki had brought him. A pair Khaki pants and a green T-shirt.
"My god Nabiki!" Big Charlotte gasped. "Can't you pick out cloths?"
"I look like a geek! I have a strange urge to beat *myself* up!" Little Charlotte said.
"I'll do it for ya!" Big Charlotte said, punching little Charlotte in the stomach.
"What'd you do that for?" Little Charlotte groaned.
"I ain't entirely sure." Big Charlotte admitted.
"Well it's not my fault if you can't appreciate fashion Ryoga!" Mean Nabiki said. "Now, choose which one of us you want to stay with."
"Okay . . . what?"
"Azusa and Mean Nabiki Tendo are going to let little Charlotte choose which one of us he really loves and wants to marry!"
"WAK!" Charlotte fell face forward.
"Marriage!?" Mean Nabiki demanded. "This is for ownership of a pig!"
"Can we just get this over with?" Big Charlotte asked. "Choose a bride Ryoga!"
"*You* of all people should be more compassionate, Ranma." Akane Tendo said, rubbing sleep from her mean evil eyes. "What with Shampoo and Ukyo and Kodachi . . ."
"I would be, but Ryoga is a jerk, so I'm callous."
Yes it had come down to this-Ryoga Hibiki a.k.a. Little Charlotte had to choose his future owner, Nabiki or Azusa. Who would he choose?
Meanwhile . . . guess where . . . on da islands . . . that's where . . .
"We've searched for Genma for a long time, where is he?" Soun groaned.
"I do not know," Nodoka frowned, "but I think the answer is obvious. It must be under our noses."
A man walked by passing out fliers for the Hawaiian Zoo. "See our petting zoo! See our newest Sign Wielding Panda! See our elephants!"
"Sing Wielding Panda?" Soun frowned.
"Let's go see it. Perhaps it will remind us of dear lost Genma." Nodoka said.
"Eh . . . wait, when did you-"
"The three of us, on a beach, drunk or not did you think I'd not notice my husband being a Panda? Besides, you fool I've known all the time!"
"Oh-ho. How?"
"That damn panda kept pinching my butt!" Nodoka cried. "Only Genma would be stupid enough to do that!"
"I won't argue with that I suppose." Soun said. "Well, let's get going then."
Genma was reclining on a rock, two female pandas were feeding him bamboo, and a male panda was lying in a bruised heap in the other corner. Soun knew his old comrade anywhere, that panda was old Saotome alright!
"Look at the fool, does he think pandas are so like humans that they will sit thus and be fed by beautiful panda-women?" Nodoka scowled.
"Actually pandas are much more like humans than many give them credit for, they are intelligent and-" A zoo worker said, but Nodoka cut him off with a raised hand.
"You would be surprised how human that panda is." Soun grumbled.
"Take us to the Panda!" Nodoka cried.
"But-"
The panda held up a sign that said "They're with me Pedro!" and the Zookeeper nodded and led Soun and Nodoka into the pen.
There Nodoka quickly produced some hot water and splashed Genma, he became his normal fat worthless self.
Soun watched with a mixture of curiosity and fear, waiting to see what Saotome's wife would do to him.
"And what . . ." she said slowly, "were you doing with those . . . panda hussies?"
"Wha? Oh eh . . . I beat up the alpha male so I rule the pack!"
"Pandas don't travel in packs!" Nodoka cried.
"Nor do most scientists believe they have interest in same-gender sex, but I've got the swollen rear end to prove that theory!"
"But . . . how can you possibly establish yourself as leader of a bunch of wild animals Saotome? Don't you want to go back to Japan?" Tendo asked.
"We are rich Tendo! And everything is so cheap here!"
"Yes I know but-"
"And best of all, no blasted kids!"
The three adults paused.
Nodoka spoke first. "Three and a half teenage girls. And, from what Tendo tells me Ryoga is there too, leaving one and a half teenage boys . . . how stupid are you two?" She demanded.
The two grown men looked like little boys who had just been caught stealing cookies from the cookie jar. Sorry for what they'd done, but mostly just because they'd been caught.
"So . . . when we do go back in another week . . . what are the odds Ranma and Akane will both still be alive?" Saotome asked.
Soun thought about this one, but Nodoka answered with what Soun realized was common sense.
"When we return in *twenty* days, what are the odds that Ranma and Akane, getting along well as Nabiki said, wont both have something to hide from us? If a marriage is what you two desire from the children, then leave them be for as long as you can. Besides, I'm not ready to give up these beaches."
"There are beaches back in Japan!" Tendo cried. "My daughter's purity is at stake!"
"That's true." Nodoka said. "Husband, we must go."
"What? Why?" Genma asked. "I get everything I need here, two meals a day, two women-a bit hairy mind you but I'll survive, and an adoring public! Besides, Akane is a responsible girl, she wouldn't put out for some one like our boy!"
"Or would she?" Nodoka remarked. "Don't you care that some strange boy is living in the house?"
"Kasumi asked Ryoga to stay, and Nabiki didn't seem opposed to it . . . I think I can trust Ryoga, unlike Ranma he doesn't have a harem following him-poor unlucky kid." Soun said.
"Yes, indeed. Well Kasumi is an adult, she can handle things." Nodoka said.
"Why don't we call them now just to make sure?" Genma asked.
"Oh, I'm sure they are all asleep right now." Nodoka said. "It's early morning over there."
"Yes, they will all be asleep." Soun agreed.
They rushed to a phone and called home, there was no answer. "Yes, I was correct, they are all asleep." Nodoka said. Then Soun froze when the unwanted answer came.
"Hello?" Mousse asked.
"Mousse? What are you doing there?"
"It's a party, everyone is here."
"WHAT!?"
"I am only joking." Mousse said. "Who is this?"
"This is Soun Tendo, what the heck are you doing there?"
"Nabiki Tendo ordered me to guard the house, for a large hole was made in the wall. I am protecting it from looters."
"Why is there a large hole in the wall!?" Soun demanded.
"I do not know this." Mousse said. "But all three girls were running very quickly, and I did notice some ninjas earlier as I walked down the street."
Soun was amazed that Mousse could notice anything, but still he felt uneasy now. "The ninjas are back! We must go back home and sort things out!" He announced.
"Yes, but Genma wont leave the zoo." Nodoka said. "Besides, the children shall handle themselves or my son is no man!"
"They have the blind kid guarding the house!" Soun wailed.
"Yes, well I am sure everything will be alright when we get back in *twenty* days."
"Ten!"
"Thirty!" Nodoka scowled.
"Fifteen!" Soun compromised.
"Fifty!"
"Do you want to be a grand mother?" Soun growled.
" . . . Ten." Nodoka agreed at last.
To Be Continued . . .
Next Chapter . . .
"I shall pay you this money back!" Mousse announced. "I swear that for every article that is damaged I will pay you it's worth!"
"Is that a fact?" Nabiki asked. She looked around, then Akane saw her break a vase on Ryoga's head. The shape-changing boy transformed into a pig and lay in a heap at Nabiki's feet along with a pair of roses that had been in the vase. "Family heirloom vase: ten thousand yen, flowers inside: three thousand yen, getting to smash something on Ryoga's head: priceless."