Disclaimer: See past chapters for disclaimers. The only thing to add to it here is that I don't own Pixie Stix. I do not own the historical strategist Kongming either, so there! I do now own Cartoon Network or Zoids.
Charlotte's Web
Chapter 17
Troublesome Trouble
"Left foot! Right foot! Avoid the wall! No I said avoid it!" Nabiki growled. Ryoga could tell she was resisting the urge to pour water on him. He was already quite surprised at how quickly Nabiki had come up with a plan to teach him to skate, but then again she'd been the one to set the duel up for tomorrow.
The roller blades were also a suspiciously good fit, if only she'd thought to pad the walls of the dojo Ryoga might not be getting the life pummeled out of him.
Ryoga blamed it all on her! It wasn't really her fault, but it was so easy to blame it on her!
Especially since she'd made it her mission to teach him to skate in a few short hours. As it is the two were lacking sleep, and those short hours had become all day. More likely than not they would sleep in and miss the duel. Ryoga wouldn't mind that one bit.
He had nothing to really gain from this fight. If he lost Mikado got to date Nabiki . . . but Ryoga trusted the scheming girl not to do anything wrong. And what was wrong? He still wasn't sure how things were supposed to work in this relationship-if that was in fact what it was.
She'd set the duel up to early for Ryoga to conceivably learn to skate, did she want to date Mikado? Was he still her slave? He was full of to many questions and very little zeal for this upcoming contest.
Nabiki growled fiercely, holding back the urge to strangle Ryoga for accepting this duel without knowing about the skating portion. 'He's just a man, and therefor stupid. He's just a man, and therefor stupid.' She repeated over and over in her head. She also blamed him for tricking her into setting up the duel a day early, Nabiki blamed her impending date with Skate-Boy on Ryoga! It wasn't completely his fault but it was just so easy to blame him.
It was even easier to vent her annoyance by teasing him about his failures. It wasn't very productive of course but she already knew Ryoga wouldn't be good enough to beat Mikado by tomorrow.
Did he want to lose? Could anyone be this bad a skater? She hadn't watched Ranma's match with Mikado a while back-she hadn't felt a need-so she didn't know Ranma was almost as bad as Ryoga. She knew-but didn't really know in detail that Ryoga had actually joined in that fight and the pair of them had beaten Mikado and his annoying midget partner Azusa.
But Nabiki assumed-and rightly so-that Ranma and Ryoga, working together had simply caused some sort of strange calamity that ended the match in their favor. The two together were unstoppable in the worst way-the way that they didn't intend on. When working together they usually tried to kill each other, each assuming the other opponents would be easily dealt with after the fighting was over. For that reason, and the fact that she didn't want the practice rink-the Dojo-to be trashed, she'd decided not to take up Ranma's offer to a skating spar with Ryoga.
Now seeing Ryoga trying to fight the walls-and losing-the middle Tendo felt quite sure she'd soon be enjoying-or perhaps pretending to enjoy-the company of Mikado Sanzenin. Of course if he had lots of money she could spend-through him of course-would it be so bad?
One look at fumbling Ryoga and somehow Nabiki felt it would.
"Alright you numbskull!" She shouted. "Try *again* and this time do it without punching a hole in the ground to stop-one which your going to be repairing later-you have breaks Ryoga-honey, use them!" She shook her head. 'This isn't going to work.' She thought. 'Good thing I always have a backup plan. But should I use it?' the young girl thought. Nabiki Tendo might only have been a young woman, but she had brains to make Kongming jealous, she had the entire duel planned out in her mind. It would take something supremely unexpected to slip her up now.
Kasumi watched intently as Nabiki trained her unfortunate champion in the art that was skating.
Too bad, Kasumi thought, that Nabiki didn't know Mikado had changed the type of challenge.
Still, Kasumi felt it was unnecessary to inform her little sister. After all, she seemed so intent on scolding Ryoga, why interfere with her fun? Kasumi giggled to herself at how deceptive she'd become.
Soon enough Nabiki would know that she was not the only one in the family that could play a trick, or swindle. Soon enough Kasumi would show them all just how dangerous she was.
If only she could remember why she was trying to accomplish this . . . she knew it had to be something important otherwise she wouldn't even now be forgetting to cook dinner. No wait . . . she was not forgetting because she'd just remembered! The pot-roast!
The elder Tendo daughter rushed off into the kitchen, where she already found Ranma valiantly defending the place with a fire extinguisher.
At about the same time, Akane and Ranma were watching Ryoga and Nabiki train from outside the dojo looking in through a window apparently unnoticed. Their bet was getting old, Akane was no closer to winning, Ranma was no closer to winning. They had decided to watch the two in the "privacy" of the dojo, of course just watching them Akane was starting to agree with Ranma.
They couldn't be in love-let alone even like one another, if they were they certainly hid it well. Of course that did remind Akane of a certain other couple.
Akane held a small rock. It was, she'd decided, time to collect on her bet. Time to win, whatever it took.
Ryoga was struggling to skate, the rock probably wasn't going to be necessary, he'd fall eventually. But Akane needed him to fall at the right spot. "Ranma! What's that?" She asked, pointing to the Koi Pond. She threw the rock through the window, and it hit Ryoga in the face right between the eyes.
The young fighter, for all his training, and the spider sense that had really only worked to get him accidentally kissed lately, couldn't stop or dodge the rock, even though from the corner of an eye he saw it coming. It hit him, and Ryoga fell over. On top of Nabiki.
"You idiot!" She gasped.
"Ouch!"
"They're making out!" Akane proclaimed. "I win! I win! Pay up!"
"They're what? They aint making out!" Ranma scowled. Akane shoved his face into the window, but all Ranma-and Akane for that matter-could see was Nabiki chasing Ryoga around the dojo with a bucket of water, Ryoga was suddenly an expert skater.
"What d'ya know, looks like Ryoga can skate after all." Ranma said.
"It's a survival mechanism, he knows if he slips up he's pork chops." Akane noted.
"AAHHH!" Ryoga slipped.
"DOOM!" Nabiki screeched, she lunged forward, Ryoga's leg came up, kicking the bucket of water into the air, and Nabiki stumbled and landed on top of him. The two laughed nervously, then Nabiki moved as if to kiss Ryoga . . . Akane was about to shout victory when the bucket came back down on her sister and Ryoga-now P-Chan.
"Wanna just call this one a tie?" Ranma asked.
"No!" Akane scowled. "Honor's sake demands I not give up!"
"So we keep spying on yer sister and Ryoga hoping to find them in a compromising situation?"
Akane paused. "Curse you! Fine, we break even . . . but . . ."
"But what?" Ranma asked.
"You gave me ten to one odds against them, I gave you two to one. So let's make this fair. I'll
give you two hundred yen, you give me one thousand."
"What!" Ranma shouted.
"It's not that much." Akane said.
"It's the principal of the thing!" Ranma cried. "You and Kasumi keep trying to get money from me like I got any! Stop trying ta swindle the wrong guy! Just having Nabiki was bad enough, now you've all got it like it's a virus! Greed!"
"Hey you two peeping toms!" Nabiki shouted, and suddenly Akane's rock was returned to her . . . or rather Ranma when it struck him in the face, incidentally in the very same spot that it had hit Ryoga before.
Meanwhile . . . things were progressing fairly well . . . unfortunately for Ukyo and Konatsu their pet had recently gone rabid and tried to eat one of the customers. It was time to do something about that.
"Hello, our animal friend is rabid and needs to be put to sleep." Ukyo told the vet.
"Huh? Oh sure. You have the animal with you?"
Ukyo jerked a thumb at the large tattooed insane man that had become their loveable if not a little frightening pet.
"Eh . . . what behind the tall guy?" The vet asked with confusion.
"He *is* the tall guy." Ukyo said.
"Get the heck out'a my clinic you darn kids! You think I have time for jokes like this? I'm a very busy man!"
"Oh well . . . I guess we'll have to do this the old fashioned way." Ukyo said to Konatsu.
Konatsu said, "Yeller was *my* dog ma, lemme shoot I'm. Please? PLEASE!"
Ukyo was pretty sure their pet wasn't a dog, and Konatsu never named him Yeller, but she more or less got the gist of what the poor-very confused-boy was trying to say. She nodded her consent and watched as Konatsu pulled a Tommy gun out of thin air.
"G'bye Yeller!" Konatsu wept.
"Eh . . . g'bye?" The homicidal maniac frowned in confusion.
There was the screeching sound of tires and a large white van pulled up. Men in white jumped out and loaded the insane man aboard.
"This is prowler four, the egg is in the nest!" One of them said into a little radio. "I said the egg is in the nest!" He repeated. "Oh yeah, and we found the fuggin homicidal maniac!" The man in white turned to Ukyo and Konatsu.
"Is they gonna take Yeller?" Konatsu asked.
"Yes, I suppose they will, Sugar. But he'll be in a better place." Ukyo assured her friend. "And if you don't cut that
accent out now I'll make you very sorry."
"Congratulations on holding the homicidal maniac at bay! You're a hero little lady!" The man said to Konatsu, slapping him on the shoulder.
"I am?" Konatsu asked.
"Indeed! Your brave tactics held off one of the most dangerous murders in Japan! Good for you! Here is your reward!" The man said, reaching into his coat.
"You see?" Ukyo said. "These things have a way of working themselves out. I'm not exactly sure how or why or even what 'these things' are, but it's all very true."
"Indeed." The man repeated. He shoved a needle into Konatsu, then another into Ukyo. "You'll not be remembering any of this, sorry." He said. "And remember, there are no UFOs"
"Huh? But you said we wouldn't remember anything so how can we remember that there are no UF---ooooohhh" Ukyo managed before she suddenly started jumping up and down real quickly.
"Oh crap!" The man said. "This wasn't the Forgetful Formula, it's the liquidated Sugar Pill!"
"Sugar!" Konatsu agreed. Soon Ukyo and her loyal waiter were smashing half the town in search of pixie stix and other delicious sugary items.
"Our jobs are so gone." Another man in white said.
"Hey, like the chest-bound girl in the unisex cloths said, these things have a way of working themselves out." The first guy said.
"What things? And how?"
"I don't know, just get in the truck and drive. If we're lucky no one will know we were ever here." The guy said, then waved goodbye to the mass of people who had watched them the whole time, three of them with video cameras.
Meanwhile . . . Akari sat in council with various other young women. The Ryoga Hibiki Fan Club.
They were a fraction of the size of the Ranma Saotome Fan Club, and lacked the powerful generals such as Shampoo or Ukyo to lead the covert wars the fan clubs occasionally launched.
There was also a Mousse Fan Club. For that matter there was an Akane Tendo Fan Club, a newly founded Shampoo Fan Club too, and "back in the day" there had been a Kasumi Tendo Fan Club.
Akari cared nothing for those ones, her focus was the Ranma Saotome Fan Club because she lost more of her own members to it every day. Curse that dashing pigtailed swine! No wait, swine was a good word to Akari. Curse that dashing pigtailed . . . non-swine!
"It is plain to see that Nabiki Tendo is evil and cruel. We must discover what it is about her that Ryoga finds so attractive." The small girl said.
"My spies tell me that Tendo and Hibiki aren't in love at all, that he's working off a debt." Thus spoke one of Akari's lieutenants in the "Ryoga Hibiki" fan club.
"That's not true!" Akari wailed. "How can any woman not be in love with Ryoga Hibiki?"
The young women-and old woman for Cologne had attended out of curiosity, and in hopes that such a large gathering of stupid females would somehow attract Happi whom she'd decided to capture and torture-nodded their heads in agreement. After all, how could any woman not love Ryoga? And Akari knew about how he turned into a pig, the one thing she loved more than mankind was pig kind!
In fact the group had gotten six new members since Nabiki Tendo started bringing Ryoga to school like some pet. This was the only thing good to come of Nabiki Tendo's enslavement of Ryoga. Akari had even heard rumor that Kasumi Tendo was keeping Ryoga around as a guard for the Tendo home. This of course wasn't so bad, it was noble of Akari's beloved Ryoga to be guarding the place. But the place did happen to be the home of three young beauties. Four when Ranma Saotome was a girl, though Akari didn't think about that.
"What will we do?" One girl said, snapping Akari out of her thought daze.
"We must go to the skating rink and kidnap Ryoga!" Akari said.
"But that wouldn't be nice!" One girl said.
Akari's eye twitched. "Seize her!" She screamed. The other women leapt on the outrageous speaker, then tied her to a large wooden cross, flipped it upside down and lit a whole bunch of candles.
"Come away evil spirits!" Akari screamed, for surely if this woman wasn't willing to kidnap Ryoga she was no Ryoga Groupie and thus, since Akari believed every woman loved Ryoga, she knew this one must be possessed by the devil.
There was a knock on the door, then the priest came in and said, "Hello, I hate to interrupt . . . your . . . I say, are you conducting satanic rituals?"
"Speak your peace unless you want a piece of this!" Akari warned. On this particular day she had no time for men that were not Ryoga.
"Right, eh . . . Smoker's unanimous needs this room by noon, can you and your godless rituals clear out by then?"
"Done! Now leave before we sacrifice you to our all-handsome Ryoga!" Akari warned.
"Gee, don't take this too seriously." Another girl sighed.
Akari didn't have to say it, but did anyway. "SEIZE HER! The power of Ryoga compels you to do evil-I mean good! Be gone evil spirits!"
"I pity Ryoga." Cologne sighed. Akari glared at her and was about to scream 'Seize her', the old amazon scowled. "Try it missy and you'll find the power of my *stick* compelling *you* to take a nap."
Meanwhile . . . on DA ISLANDS!!!!
"It's brilliant!" Nodoka cried. "Simply masterful!"
"Ho-ho-ha?" Soun frowned.
"Behold!" Nodoka cried, throwing blueprints at Soun. "Because you foolishly flattened this area we can move the entire zoo except the panda exhibit then we take the whole panda exhibit back to Japan with us!"
"You're drunk again, aren't you?" Soun asked. But he doubted it, she didn't look drunk-he was *hoping* she was drunk, *hoping* she wasn't serious about this.
"I've already spent a great deal of your one million dollars arranging for transport of the buildings!" Nodoka enthused.
"I . . . I think I'm going to cry!" Soun said.
"It's all prepared!" Nodoka continued. "And everyone is willing to move the zoo!"
"How did you convince them?"
"You'd be surprised what a woman with a katana can do. Believe it or not I can be quite scary."
"I believe it!" Soun scowled through bitter tears.
"Not to mention holding the entire island hostage with a nuclear bomb."
Soun just stared at this beautiful woman . . . from heck.
"Now it is time to show my husband that he cannot-must not-can never forget me and where his loyalties lie!"
"Didn't we have sex?" Soun asked.
"We were drunk, that is an event we shall never speak of again!" Nodoka scowled. "Now come, we shall repeat it then never speak again of the second time."
"We should remain focused on bringing Genma-and what is left of our money-back to Japan."
"Yes! I agree! We can commit adultery later!"
"Eh . . . yeah." Soun agreed half-heartedly.
"I will show my disloyal husband!" Nodoka wailed.
Meanwhile . . . at the zoo . . .
"Yep, got a wife and son." Genma was saying to the zookeeper in one of his few moments of humanity. "Sure do love her, don't show much love for the boy but you get used to them after the first decade."
"Yeah sure . . . I guess . . . I wouldn't know, I'm a high school drop out who took this job just to survive, I don't have kids and the only women I can get within two feet of are all environmentalists who want to know why I treat animals so badly, putting them in cages." The man said.
"I sure do miss my darling Nodoka." Genma sighed, not regretting at all that he'd refused two female pandas, and a rather attractive environmentalist just on the memory of his loyal wife, whom-he was sure-wouldn't have ever betrayed him. Because if she did with some one like . . .noh let's just say . . . Soun, then Genma would probably have to remind Soun which of them was the better fighter . . . and maybe use Nodoka's katana to rip Soun a new one. Of course that was all hypothetical . . . or whatever that word was. He knew Soun and Nodoka would never do
anything like that . . .
"Look brah, you not even one panda, get outta 'ere bumbye we kick you out." Another zookeeper scowled.
"We don't give free room and board." The first zookeeper added.
Genma was thrown out of the zoo, heard something about a nuclear warhead on his way out.
Well, he'd been thinking of leaving anyway, it was time to head home. He'd go see Soun and Nodoka in the morning. In fact, he decided to go visit them right now!
It wasn't long before Genma reached the small hotel where his wife and friend had stayed. From inside the hotel room he heard their voices.
"No!" Soun wailed.
"Sex!" Nodoka demanded.
"No!"
"Sex!"
"No!"
"Sex!"
"Huh?" Genma frowned as he opened the door to find Nodoka threatening Soun with a katana.
"No!" He shouted.
"Sex!" She shouted back. They both looked at him and immediately they said together:
"No sex! We haven't had sex once since we came on this vacation!"
"I was about to get a hooker!" Soun said, Genma believed him.
"I was trying to stop him because it's immoral!" Nodoka said, considering the katana at Soun's throat, Genma believed her.
"I've decided to come home!" Genma lied. "The zoo just doesn't cut it for me. And the panda girls were getting all needy and stuff." He was just kidding, Soun wretched and Nodoka looked like she might charge him with the katana. Lucky for him he knew how impotent she was with it.
Also lucky, he wasn't interested in pushing things. "Well," he said, "let's go home!"
"WAIT!" Nodoka cried. "We have a little problem . . . I paid the crews in advance . . . we've gotta move *something*, they wont give a refund and I plan to get my money's worth!"
"You mean *my* money's worth!" Soun fell to his knees in tears.
"How do you know they won't give refunds?" Genma was completely confused.
"It's so simple!" Nodoka said suddenly. "I know what we'll use all those helicopters and stuff to move! The zoo is no longer an issue, but I have a wonderful idea!" She picked up the phone and started making calls. Genma shuddered, he had a bad feeling about this.
"Well . . . we're here." Nabiki sighed. "I'd wish you luck, but that Mikado is such a stud, I may just sabotage your duel." Nabiki said with a smile that-she hoped-told Ryoga she was joking.
"If it were up to me I wouldn't fight at all." Ryoga said, though with less conviction than he'd said it with yesterday. Nabiki wasn't sure if he was excited about the fight, or if he really wanted to keep her away from Mikado. She'd only been joking about sabotage, she wouldn't *really* do it . . . would she?
"Oh don't worry Nabiki," Kasumi said. "Believe me, you won't want Ryoga to fail out there. Your well-being might depend on it."
"What's that mean?" Nabiki demanded. Sure Mikado was a pervert, but Nabiki was confident in her ability to make sure their date remained just that.
"You'll see." Kasumi said. They entered the skating rink to their surprise everyone cheered.
"Here they are fight fans!" An announcer cried, "Nabiki Tendo and Ryoga Hibiki, five minutes early, let's start the match!"
"Okay!" Nabiki breathed out a long sigh. "Here it is: Ryoga and Mikado, fighting for the love of a beautiful woman!"
"Azusa is fighting for her Charlotte." Azusa piped in.
It took the seventeen year old girl a moment to realize that Azusa was standing next to Mikado on the ice with a big blank smile on her cute but evil face. "Just what the heck are you doing here?" Nabiki demanded.
"This is a Martial Arts Figure Skating Contest." Mikado said. "A Martial Arts Figure Skating *Pair* Contest."
Nabiki frowned. She looked at Ryoga, then at Mikado. Through her devilish plan Ryoga wouldn't have to know how to skate, but to actually put this plan into effect she had to be on the sidelines . . . this was not good.
She glared at a giggling Kasumi and knew her sister had known about this somehow.
"It doesn't mater!" Nabiki scowled. "At least *I* know how to skate."
"Does her knows how to fight?" Azusa squealed.
"Kicked his butt." She said, pointing at Ranma.
"Hey!" Ranma cried.
"Balls actually." Akane clarified.
"Hey!" Ranma cried.
"Akane, don't use the word "balls" for that purpose!" Kasumi scolded.
"Hey!" Ranma cried.
"Shall we?" Mikado asked. Nabiki scowled.
"I don't even have skates, I'm afraid Ryoga will have to go it alone." Nabiki said.
"Nonsense, I packed your skates." Kasumi said to Nabiki, passing her the ice skates.
"Kasumi . . . after this . . . we're going to have a long talk . . ." Nabiki said, trying to hold back her rage. After all, it simply would not do to have people knowing she hadn't been prepared for this.
She and Ryoga stood in the middle of the rink facing Mikado and Azusa. Nabiki felt that Ryoga could probably handle them both, she'd stay off to the side and shout moral support.
A big white robot came out of the ground, it had a red hand and a white hand.
"Kolkhoz High School's Golden Pair vs . . . these other teenagers! Battle mode zero nine eight six, area scanned . . . battlefield set up! Ready . . ."
"Looks like Cartoon Network is gonna sue somebody!" The announcer cried.
"Is this guy for real?" Nabiki just had to ask.
"FIGHT!" The white robot shouted, bringing it's hands together.
To Be Continued . . .
Next Chapter . . .
"Crap! Akane Tendo? That whore!" Akari wailed. "She'd cream me!" Akari looked to her giant pig. "Katsunishiki! You can take her right?"
The pig shuddered.
"Not to worry, for I do have a possible counter to Akane Tendo. A warrior of superior skill who would join your organization temporarily."
"Shampoo is part of RSFC!" Akari wailed, misunderstanding the old crone's offer.
"Not Shampoo. Some one much worse." Cologne said, then cackled again.
Charlotte's Web
Chapter 17
Troublesome Trouble
"Left foot! Right foot! Avoid the wall! No I said avoid it!" Nabiki growled. Ryoga could tell she was resisting the urge to pour water on him. He was already quite surprised at how quickly Nabiki had come up with a plan to teach him to skate, but then again she'd been the one to set the duel up for tomorrow.
The roller blades were also a suspiciously good fit, if only she'd thought to pad the walls of the dojo Ryoga might not be getting the life pummeled out of him.
Ryoga blamed it all on her! It wasn't really her fault, but it was so easy to blame it on her!
Especially since she'd made it her mission to teach him to skate in a few short hours. As it is the two were lacking sleep, and those short hours had become all day. More likely than not they would sleep in and miss the duel. Ryoga wouldn't mind that one bit.
He had nothing to really gain from this fight. If he lost Mikado got to date Nabiki . . . but Ryoga trusted the scheming girl not to do anything wrong. And what was wrong? He still wasn't sure how things were supposed to work in this relationship-if that was in fact what it was.
She'd set the duel up to early for Ryoga to conceivably learn to skate, did she want to date Mikado? Was he still her slave? He was full of to many questions and very little zeal for this upcoming contest.
Nabiki growled fiercely, holding back the urge to strangle Ryoga for accepting this duel without knowing about the skating portion. 'He's just a man, and therefor stupid. He's just a man, and therefor stupid.' She repeated over and over in her head. She also blamed him for tricking her into setting up the duel a day early, Nabiki blamed her impending date with Skate-Boy on Ryoga! It wasn't completely his fault but it was just so easy to blame him.
It was even easier to vent her annoyance by teasing him about his failures. It wasn't very productive of course but she already knew Ryoga wouldn't be good enough to beat Mikado by tomorrow.
Did he want to lose? Could anyone be this bad a skater? She hadn't watched Ranma's match with Mikado a while back-she hadn't felt a need-so she didn't know Ranma was almost as bad as Ryoga. She knew-but didn't really know in detail that Ryoga had actually joined in that fight and the pair of them had beaten Mikado and his annoying midget partner Azusa.
But Nabiki assumed-and rightly so-that Ranma and Ryoga, working together had simply caused some sort of strange calamity that ended the match in their favor. The two together were unstoppable in the worst way-the way that they didn't intend on. When working together they usually tried to kill each other, each assuming the other opponents would be easily dealt with after the fighting was over. For that reason, and the fact that she didn't want the practice rink-the Dojo-to be trashed, she'd decided not to take up Ranma's offer to a skating spar with Ryoga.
Now seeing Ryoga trying to fight the walls-and losing-the middle Tendo felt quite sure she'd soon be enjoying-or perhaps pretending to enjoy-the company of Mikado Sanzenin. Of course if he had lots of money she could spend-through him of course-would it be so bad?
One look at fumbling Ryoga and somehow Nabiki felt it would.
"Alright you numbskull!" She shouted. "Try *again* and this time do it without punching a hole in the ground to stop-one which your going to be repairing later-you have breaks Ryoga-honey, use them!" She shook her head. 'This isn't going to work.' She thought. 'Good thing I always have a backup plan. But should I use it?' the young girl thought. Nabiki Tendo might only have been a young woman, but she had brains to make Kongming jealous, she had the entire duel planned out in her mind. It would take something supremely unexpected to slip her up now.
Kasumi watched intently as Nabiki trained her unfortunate champion in the art that was skating.
Too bad, Kasumi thought, that Nabiki didn't know Mikado had changed the type of challenge.
Still, Kasumi felt it was unnecessary to inform her little sister. After all, she seemed so intent on scolding Ryoga, why interfere with her fun? Kasumi giggled to herself at how deceptive she'd become.
Soon enough Nabiki would know that she was not the only one in the family that could play a trick, or swindle. Soon enough Kasumi would show them all just how dangerous she was.
If only she could remember why she was trying to accomplish this . . . she knew it had to be something important otherwise she wouldn't even now be forgetting to cook dinner. No wait . . . she was not forgetting because she'd just remembered! The pot-roast!
The elder Tendo daughter rushed off into the kitchen, where she already found Ranma valiantly defending the place with a fire extinguisher.
At about the same time, Akane and Ranma were watching Ryoga and Nabiki train from outside the dojo looking in through a window apparently unnoticed. Their bet was getting old, Akane was no closer to winning, Ranma was no closer to winning. They had decided to watch the two in the "privacy" of the dojo, of course just watching them Akane was starting to agree with Ranma.
They couldn't be in love-let alone even like one another, if they were they certainly hid it well. Of course that did remind Akane of a certain other couple.
Akane held a small rock. It was, she'd decided, time to collect on her bet. Time to win, whatever it took.
Ryoga was struggling to skate, the rock probably wasn't going to be necessary, he'd fall eventually. But Akane needed him to fall at the right spot. "Ranma! What's that?" She asked, pointing to the Koi Pond. She threw the rock through the window, and it hit Ryoga in the face right between the eyes.
The young fighter, for all his training, and the spider sense that had really only worked to get him accidentally kissed lately, couldn't stop or dodge the rock, even though from the corner of an eye he saw it coming. It hit him, and Ryoga fell over. On top of Nabiki.
"You idiot!" She gasped.
"Ouch!"
"They're making out!" Akane proclaimed. "I win! I win! Pay up!"
"They're what? They aint making out!" Ranma scowled. Akane shoved his face into the window, but all Ranma-and Akane for that matter-could see was Nabiki chasing Ryoga around the dojo with a bucket of water, Ryoga was suddenly an expert skater.
"What d'ya know, looks like Ryoga can skate after all." Ranma said.
"It's a survival mechanism, he knows if he slips up he's pork chops." Akane noted.
"AAHHH!" Ryoga slipped.
"DOOM!" Nabiki screeched, she lunged forward, Ryoga's leg came up, kicking the bucket of water into the air, and Nabiki stumbled and landed on top of him. The two laughed nervously, then Nabiki moved as if to kiss Ryoga . . . Akane was about to shout victory when the bucket came back down on her sister and Ryoga-now P-Chan.
"Wanna just call this one a tie?" Ranma asked.
"No!" Akane scowled. "Honor's sake demands I not give up!"
"So we keep spying on yer sister and Ryoga hoping to find them in a compromising situation?"
Akane paused. "Curse you! Fine, we break even . . . but . . ."
"But what?" Ranma asked.
"You gave me ten to one odds against them, I gave you two to one. So let's make this fair. I'll
give you two hundred yen, you give me one thousand."
"What!" Ranma shouted.
"It's not that much." Akane said.
"It's the principal of the thing!" Ranma cried. "You and Kasumi keep trying to get money from me like I got any! Stop trying ta swindle the wrong guy! Just having Nabiki was bad enough, now you've all got it like it's a virus! Greed!"
"Hey you two peeping toms!" Nabiki shouted, and suddenly Akane's rock was returned to her . . . or rather Ranma when it struck him in the face, incidentally in the very same spot that it had hit Ryoga before.
Meanwhile . . . things were progressing fairly well . . . unfortunately for Ukyo and Konatsu their pet had recently gone rabid and tried to eat one of the customers. It was time to do something about that.
"Hello, our animal friend is rabid and needs to be put to sleep." Ukyo told the vet.
"Huh? Oh sure. You have the animal with you?"
Ukyo jerked a thumb at the large tattooed insane man that had become their loveable if not a little frightening pet.
"Eh . . . what behind the tall guy?" The vet asked with confusion.
"He *is* the tall guy." Ukyo said.
"Get the heck out'a my clinic you darn kids! You think I have time for jokes like this? I'm a very busy man!"
"Oh well . . . I guess we'll have to do this the old fashioned way." Ukyo said to Konatsu.
Konatsu said, "Yeller was *my* dog ma, lemme shoot I'm. Please? PLEASE!"
Ukyo was pretty sure their pet wasn't a dog, and Konatsu never named him Yeller, but she more or less got the gist of what the poor-very confused-boy was trying to say. She nodded her consent and watched as Konatsu pulled a Tommy gun out of thin air.
"G'bye Yeller!" Konatsu wept.
"Eh . . . g'bye?" The homicidal maniac frowned in confusion.
There was the screeching sound of tires and a large white van pulled up. Men in white jumped out and loaded the insane man aboard.
"This is prowler four, the egg is in the nest!" One of them said into a little radio. "I said the egg is in the nest!" He repeated. "Oh yeah, and we found the fuggin homicidal maniac!" The man in white turned to Ukyo and Konatsu.
"Is they gonna take Yeller?" Konatsu asked.
"Yes, I suppose they will, Sugar. But he'll be in a better place." Ukyo assured her friend. "And if you don't cut that
accent out now I'll make you very sorry."
"Congratulations on holding the homicidal maniac at bay! You're a hero little lady!" The man said to Konatsu, slapping him on the shoulder.
"I am?" Konatsu asked.
"Indeed! Your brave tactics held off one of the most dangerous murders in Japan! Good for you! Here is your reward!" The man said, reaching into his coat.
"You see?" Ukyo said. "These things have a way of working themselves out. I'm not exactly sure how or why or even what 'these things' are, but it's all very true."
"Indeed." The man repeated. He shoved a needle into Konatsu, then another into Ukyo. "You'll not be remembering any of this, sorry." He said. "And remember, there are no UFOs"
"Huh? But you said we wouldn't remember anything so how can we remember that there are no UF---ooooohhh" Ukyo managed before she suddenly started jumping up and down real quickly.
"Oh crap!" The man said. "This wasn't the Forgetful Formula, it's the liquidated Sugar Pill!"
"Sugar!" Konatsu agreed. Soon Ukyo and her loyal waiter were smashing half the town in search of pixie stix and other delicious sugary items.
"Our jobs are so gone." Another man in white said.
"Hey, like the chest-bound girl in the unisex cloths said, these things have a way of working themselves out." The first guy said.
"What things? And how?"
"I don't know, just get in the truck and drive. If we're lucky no one will know we were ever here." The guy said, then waved goodbye to the mass of people who had watched them the whole time, three of them with video cameras.
Meanwhile . . . Akari sat in council with various other young women. The Ryoga Hibiki Fan Club.
They were a fraction of the size of the Ranma Saotome Fan Club, and lacked the powerful generals such as Shampoo or Ukyo to lead the covert wars the fan clubs occasionally launched.
There was also a Mousse Fan Club. For that matter there was an Akane Tendo Fan Club, a newly founded Shampoo Fan Club too, and "back in the day" there had been a Kasumi Tendo Fan Club.
Akari cared nothing for those ones, her focus was the Ranma Saotome Fan Club because she lost more of her own members to it every day. Curse that dashing pigtailed swine! No wait, swine was a good word to Akari. Curse that dashing pigtailed . . . non-swine!
"It is plain to see that Nabiki Tendo is evil and cruel. We must discover what it is about her that Ryoga finds so attractive." The small girl said.
"My spies tell me that Tendo and Hibiki aren't in love at all, that he's working off a debt." Thus spoke one of Akari's lieutenants in the "Ryoga Hibiki" fan club.
"That's not true!" Akari wailed. "How can any woman not be in love with Ryoga Hibiki?"
The young women-and old woman for Cologne had attended out of curiosity, and in hopes that such a large gathering of stupid females would somehow attract Happi whom she'd decided to capture and torture-nodded their heads in agreement. After all, how could any woman not love Ryoga? And Akari knew about how he turned into a pig, the one thing she loved more than mankind was pig kind!
In fact the group had gotten six new members since Nabiki Tendo started bringing Ryoga to school like some pet. This was the only thing good to come of Nabiki Tendo's enslavement of Ryoga. Akari had even heard rumor that Kasumi Tendo was keeping Ryoga around as a guard for the Tendo home. This of course wasn't so bad, it was noble of Akari's beloved Ryoga to be guarding the place. But the place did happen to be the home of three young beauties. Four when Ranma Saotome was a girl, though Akari didn't think about that.
"What will we do?" One girl said, snapping Akari out of her thought daze.
"We must go to the skating rink and kidnap Ryoga!" Akari said.
"But that wouldn't be nice!" One girl said.
Akari's eye twitched. "Seize her!" She screamed. The other women leapt on the outrageous speaker, then tied her to a large wooden cross, flipped it upside down and lit a whole bunch of candles.
"Come away evil spirits!" Akari screamed, for surely if this woman wasn't willing to kidnap Ryoga she was no Ryoga Groupie and thus, since Akari believed every woman loved Ryoga, she knew this one must be possessed by the devil.
There was a knock on the door, then the priest came in and said, "Hello, I hate to interrupt . . . your . . . I say, are you conducting satanic rituals?"
"Speak your peace unless you want a piece of this!" Akari warned. On this particular day she had no time for men that were not Ryoga.
"Right, eh . . . Smoker's unanimous needs this room by noon, can you and your godless rituals clear out by then?"
"Done! Now leave before we sacrifice you to our all-handsome Ryoga!" Akari warned.
"Gee, don't take this too seriously." Another girl sighed.
Akari didn't have to say it, but did anyway. "SEIZE HER! The power of Ryoga compels you to do evil-I mean good! Be gone evil spirits!"
"I pity Ryoga." Cologne sighed. Akari glared at her and was about to scream 'Seize her', the old amazon scowled. "Try it missy and you'll find the power of my *stick* compelling *you* to take a nap."
Meanwhile . . . on DA ISLANDS!!!!
"It's brilliant!" Nodoka cried. "Simply masterful!"
"Ho-ho-ha?" Soun frowned.
"Behold!" Nodoka cried, throwing blueprints at Soun. "Because you foolishly flattened this area we can move the entire zoo except the panda exhibit then we take the whole panda exhibit back to Japan with us!"
"You're drunk again, aren't you?" Soun asked. But he doubted it, she didn't look drunk-he was *hoping* she was drunk, *hoping* she wasn't serious about this.
"I've already spent a great deal of your one million dollars arranging for transport of the buildings!" Nodoka enthused.
"I . . . I think I'm going to cry!" Soun said.
"It's all prepared!" Nodoka continued. "And everyone is willing to move the zoo!"
"How did you convince them?"
"You'd be surprised what a woman with a katana can do. Believe it or not I can be quite scary."
"I believe it!" Soun scowled through bitter tears.
"Not to mention holding the entire island hostage with a nuclear bomb."
Soun just stared at this beautiful woman . . . from heck.
"Now it is time to show my husband that he cannot-must not-can never forget me and where his loyalties lie!"
"Didn't we have sex?" Soun asked.
"We were drunk, that is an event we shall never speak of again!" Nodoka scowled. "Now come, we shall repeat it then never speak again of the second time."
"We should remain focused on bringing Genma-and what is left of our money-back to Japan."
"Yes! I agree! We can commit adultery later!"
"Eh . . . yeah." Soun agreed half-heartedly.
"I will show my disloyal husband!" Nodoka wailed.
Meanwhile . . . at the zoo . . .
"Yep, got a wife and son." Genma was saying to the zookeeper in one of his few moments of humanity. "Sure do love her, don't show much love for the boy but you get used to them after the first decade."
"Yeah sure . . . I guess . . . I wouldn't know, I'm a high school drop out who took this job just to survive, I don't have kids and the only women I can get within two feet of are all environmentalists who want to know why I treat animals so badly, putting them in cages." The man said.
"I sure do miss my darling Nodoka." Genma sighed, not regretting at all that he'd refused two female pandas, and a rather attractive environmentalist just on the memory of his loyal wife, whom-he was sure-wouldn't have ever betrayed him. Because if she did with some one like . . .noh let's just say . . . Soun, then Genma would probably have to remind Soun which of them was the better fighter . . . and maybe use Nodoka's katana to rip Soun a new one. Of course that was all hypothetical . . . or whatever that word was. He knew Soun and Nodoka would never do
anything like that . . .
"Look brah, you not even one panda, get outta 'ere bumbye we kick you out." Another zookeeper scowled.
"We don't give free room and board." The first zookeeper added.
Genma was thrown out of the zoo, heard something about a nuclear warhead on his way out.
Well, he'd been thinking of leaving anyway, it was time to head home. He'd go see Soun and Nodoka in the morning. In fact, he decided to go visit them right now!
It wasn't long before Genma reached the small hotel where his wife and friend had stayed. From inside the hotel room he heard their voices.
"No!" Soun wailed.
"Sex!" Nodoka demanded.
"No!"
"Sex!"
"No!"
"Sex!"
"Huh?" Genma frowned as he opened the door to find Nodoka threatening Soun with a katana.
"No!" He shouted.
"Sex!" She shouted back. They both looked at him and immediately they said together:
"No sex! We haven't had sex once since we came on this vacation!"
"I was about to get a hooker!" Soun said, Genma believed him.
"I was trying to stop him because it's immoral!" Nodoka said, considering the katana at Soun's throat, Genma believed her.
"I've decided to come home!" Genma lied. "The zoo just doesn't cut it for me. And the panda girls were getting all needy and stuff." He was just kidding, Soun wretched and Nodoka looked like she might charge him with the katana. Lucky for him he knew how impotent she was with it.
Also lucky, he wasn't interested in pushing things. "Well," he said, "let's go home!"
"WAIT!" Nodoka cried. "We have a little problem . . . I paid the crews in advance . . . we've gotta move *something*, they wont give a refund and I plan to get my money's worth!"
"You mean *my* money's worth!" Soun fell to his knees in tears.
"How do you know they won't give refunds?" Genma was completely confused.
"It's so simple!" Nodoka said suddenly. "I know what we'll use all those helicopters and stuff to move! The zoo is no longer an issue, but I have a wonderful idea!" She picked up the phone and started making calls. Genma shuddered, he had a bad feeling about this.
"Well . . . we're here." Nabiki sighed. "I'd wish you luck, but that Mikado is such a stud, I may just sabotage your duel." Nabiki said with a smile that-she hoped-told Ryoga she was joking.
"If it were up to me I wouldn't fight at all." Ryoga said, though with less conviction than he'd said it with yesterday. Nabiki wasn't sure if he was excited about the fight, or if he really wanted to keep her away from Mikado. She'd only been joking about sabotage, she wouldn't *really* do it . . . would she?
"Oh don't worry Nabiki," Kasumi said. "Believe me, you won't want Ryoga to fail out there. Your well-being might depend on it."
"What's that mean?" Nabiki demanded. Sure Mikado was a pervert, but Nabiki was confident in her ability to make sure their date remained just that.
"You'll see." Kasumi said. They entered the skating rink to their surprise everyone cheered.
"Here they are fight fans!" An announcer cried, "Nabiki Tendo and Ryoga Hibiki, five minutes early, let's start the match!"
"Okay!" Nabiki breathed out a long sigh. "Here it is: Ryoga and Mikado, fighting for the love of a beautiful woman!"
"Azusa is fighting for her Charlotte." Azusa piped in.
It took the seventeen year old girl a moment to realize that Azusa was standing next to Mikado on the ice with a big blank smile on her cute but evil face. "Just what the heck are you doing here?" Nabiki demanded.
"This is a Martial Arts Figure Skating Contest." Mikado said. "A Martial Arts Figure Skating *Pair* Contest."
Nabiki frowned. She looked at Ryoga, then at Mikado. Through her devilish plan Ryoga wouldn't have to know how to skate, but to actually put this plan into effect she had to be on the sidelines . . . this was not good.
She glared at a giggling Kasumi and knew her sister had known about this somehow.
"It doesn't mater!" Nabiki scowled. "At least *I* know how to skate."
"Does her knows how to fight?" Azusa squealed.
"Kicked his butt." She said, pointing at Ranma.
"Hey!" Ranma cried.
"Balls actually." Akane clarified.
"Hey!" Ranma cried.
"Akane, don't use the word "balls" for that purpose!" Kasumi scolded.
"Hey!" Ranma cried.
"Shall we?" Mikado asked. Nabiki scowled.
"I don't even have skates, I'm afraid Ryoga will have to go it alone." Nabiki said.
"Nonsense, I packed your skates." Kasumi said to Nabiki, passing her the ice skates.
"Kasumi . . . after this . . . we're going to have a long talk . . ." Nabiki said, trying to hold back her rage. After all, it simply would not do to have people knowing she hadn't been prepared for this.
She and Ryoga stood in the middle of the rink facing Mikado and Azusa. Nabiki felt that Ryoga could probably handle them both, she'd stay off to the side and shout moral support.
A big white robot came out of the ground, it had a red hand and a white hand.
"Kolkhoz High School's Golden Pair vs . . . these other teenagers! Battle mode zero nine eight six, area scanned . . . battlefield set up! Ready . . ."
"Looks like Cartoon Network is gonna sue somebody!" The announcer cried.
"Is this guy for real?" Nabiki just had to ask.
"FIGHT!" The white robot shouted, bringing it's hands together.
To Be Continued . . .
Next Chapter . . .
"Crap! Akane Tendo? That whore!" Akari wailed. "She'd cream me!" Akari looked to her giant pig. "Katsunishiki! You can take her right?"
The pig shuddered.
"Not to worry, for I do have a possible counter to Akane Tendo. A warrior of superior skill who would join your organization temporarily."
"Shampoo is part of RSFC!" Akari wailed, misunderstanding the old crone's offer.
"Not Shampoo. Some one much worse." Cologne said, then cackled again.