Charlotte's Web
Chapter 18
Something Wacky This Way Comes!
Nabiki's first order of business was to skate out of the way of Mikado's deadly attack. She flinched when it ended up hitting Ryoga instead. That'd leave a mark. An inch lower and Ryoga would be all but useless to her.
The middle Tendo was seething with anger! Kasumi knew! Somehow she'd known this was going to happen! Worse Nabiki had been the one to set the duel up for today, if she'd known and had a little more time she could have at least tricked Akane into doing this for her or something.
She watched from the sideline as Mikado and Azusa wiped the floors with Ryoga. It was sad, her pride in her lover-eh *servant's* fighting skills just went right down the drain. It didn't matter that he was fighting two experienced skaters and that he himself didn't really know how to skate, Nabiki still lost all the respect she had for him when Azusa sent him sprawling.
"Are you just going to let her do that to you?" Nabiki shouted.
Mikado skated over to Nabiki and said, "Nabiki Tendo, I'm very disappointed in you. A sweater? I was hoping for something I could unbutton."
Nabiki tried to count to ten and calm down, but that little remark was to equivalent of some one throwing gasoline on the fire that was the rage of Nabiki Tendo. Nabiki shouted, and threw Mikado across the rink, he landed on his feet-or skates-of course, but the fact was Nabiki had just thrown a guy across the room!
Hurrah!
"Whoa!" The announcer cried. "How did that-that's amazing!"
"She's *my* big sister." Akane said proudly.
"Oh . . . well *that* explains it." The announcer said.
"What's that supposed to mean!?" Akane demanded, Ranma was chuckling.
Skating was like gliding, and Ryoga was gliding. Gliding very quickly . . . backwards. Azusa had kicked him and he was flying back now. He hit the edge of the rink and lunged forward to avoid being thrown out. It'd been a while, so he wasn't sure, but he'd bet there was a rule against falling out of the rink or something like that.
He saw Nabiki toss Mikado, and foolishly he thought that maybe she was going to actually take part in this fight. Trusting in that he got to his feet and skated towards Azusa.
His thinking was simple, he could get started, that part was easy. Stopping was his problem. But, he'd move towards Azusa and charge her. He couldn't stop of course but she'd stop him easily enough, or they'd both say hello to the wall. Normally Ryoga had reservations about hitting girls but Azusa was . . . Azusa.
He didn't plan on Azusa sliding off to the side, or Mikado barreling into him to knock him onto his back.
"And the Golden Pair do a wonderful Bait and Switch attack!"
'There was no 'switch' involved! Mikado came out of nowhere!' Ryoga thought. He was filled with dread, expecting that stupid-and painful-goodbye whirl the two skating freaks had used on him and Ranma, but that didn't happen. Of course he should have realized that since he wasn't anywhere near Nabiki they wouldn't have used it. He struggled to get to his feet, and then stomped down with one foot then the other, planting himself firmly in the ice.
Not the smartest thing to do. Mikado took Azusa and they spun around, he flung her towards Ryoga and he knew he had two options. One, he could stand there like an idiot and get hit. Two? He threw himself backward and let Azusa fly right past him.
"And Hibiki avoids a Spinning Shiratori attack!"
The crowd cheered. Ryoga felt great! They were cheering for him! Him! He got up and got ready to charge for Mikado . . . then fell face forward. Why had he shoved his skates into the ice again?
"Ryoga!" Nabiki shouted. "You bone-headed dolt! What do you think you're-" Nabiki was skating towards him then suddenly fell over when Azusa skated out and tripped her.
That made Ryoga really mad, seeing Nabiki suddenly tumbling. It also made him laugh. "Who is the bonehead now eh?" He grumbled. He lunged forward, skating towards Azusa and Mikado, when suddenly . . .
"Here he comes to save the day!" Mousse shouted. "Don't worry Ryoga, Come have I to save you and reunite you with your long lost brother!"
"Arf!" Mercedes barked in agreement.
"Mousse!" Nabiki shouted.
"Mousse?" Ryoga questioned.
"Him so handsome! Him is Azusa's little Dominique!"
"Madam I am not your Dominique!" Mousse said. Then he materialized a bucket and laughed maniacally. "Fear not Ryoga Hibiki, for I have come to save you!"
"You said that!" Nabiki growled. She was still sprawled out on the ice. "Hey wait . . . no you don't! You wouldn't dare!"
"I would and I shall!" Mousse assured her. Mercedes barked excitedly. Mousse threw the bucket at Ryoga. It struck him dead center between the eyes and when he opened his now crossed eyes everyone in the world-except him-was fifty feet taller. 'Eh . . . son of a-' Ryoga thought, then he was running across the ice.
"Charlotte! Oh my little Charlotte! Come home with mommy Charlotte!"
'Why wont you die?' Ryoga demanded of her in his own head.
"Fetch!" Mousse shouted. Mercedes leapt into the rink and retrieved P-Chan. P-Chan glared wildly around the room. Nabiki was in the process of skating towards him while Mikado was flirting with Akane on the sidelines and of course Azusa! Azusa now saw Mercedes *and* Charlotte, how could she not chase after them both squealing like . . . well like a freak the whole time?
"It is simple . . ." Nodoka was explaining to Genma and Soun. "We all love it here, no?"
"No." Genma sighed.
"So-so." Soun shrugged.
"Then we simply buy the newly flattened land, we move the Tendo Training hall and the Tendo and Saotome homes here from Japan and buy all our children citizenship."
"I don't think that is something you can buy . . ." Soun frowned.
"Nonsense. Anyway I have it all worked out. Assuming there is some sort of rigorous testing and allegiance swaying involved in becoming a citizen of the United States of Hawaii-"
"Not quite accurate, it is United States of America, dear." Genma interrupted.
"We're not *in* America Genma darling." Nodoka rolled her eyes at her stupid husband. "Anyway assuming there is testing and actual work involved, I'm sure Nabiki would be intelligent enough to handle it, Kasumi is a grown woman anyway so she can live wherever she wants, and Akane would just have to marry Ranma to become a citizen."
"What makes you think Ranma would be a citizen?" Soun asked.
"Why wouldn't my son be able to become a citizen of this third world country?"
"Again not quite accu . . . oh forget it." Genma sighed.
"I do not think I want to live in America." Soun sighed.
"Nonsense! Just think of the work! Genma, you could get a job at the Zoo, you would be paid for sitting around doing nothing!"
"But without a TV . . ." Genma sighed.
"And Soun, just think of all the Hawaiians who would want to learn the Tendo Martial Arts!"
"I saw seventeen martial arts schools on the way to town and twelve others in the mall alone." Soun said lamely.
Nodoka unsheathed her newly recovered katana. "They won't be a problem. We shall clean them out!" She said. She ran her finger across the blade to make a point. Instead she cut herself. "Ouch! Sharp!"
"I suppose this is something we'd have to talk about with the kids . . ." Soun frowned.
"They will be afraid of change, better to move the house while they are all asleep!"
"I . . . do not like this idea . . ." Soun sighed.
"You'll like it plenty when our houses are right next to each other on that flattened land you've come to love so much."
"Perhaps."
"You'll like it even more when you learn that whilst my husband Genma is away at work I would be cleaning the house in an apron and nothing else."
"Hmm . . ." Soun looked to be deep in thought now. Nodoka felt that she'd won this argument.
"I'm sitting right here." Genma said.
"Yes darling, we see you." Nodoka assured her stupid husband.
"We will have to talk this over with Kasumi at least." Soun said at last. "After all, she is quite intelligent, the way she always scams that Kuno boy into buying pictures of Akane working out."
"No, you're thinking of Nabiki." Genma noted.
"Huh? I think I know my own daughters." Soun scowled.
"I feel for you Tendo, I really do." Genma shook his head. "But perhaps you should talk to all your children about this. It would affect them all." Genma started talking to Soun in hand sign language. The obviously forgot that Nodoka knew their little language.
~~~
Genma: She's fuggin nuts!
Soun: What say we tie her up and swim for Japan?
Genma: I'm with you brother!
Soun: Is Nabiki really the one who scams Kuno?
Genma: How can you confuse your daughters?
Soun: After so many years they are all just so many pairs of off-limits breasts and mouths to feed! And talk about leeching, Akane is nineteen now and she won't leave home! She's been flirting with that fifty-year-old doctor for how many years?
Genma: Akane is the sixteen-year-old! And if Tofu is probably early thirties.
Soun: . . . eh? Wait then who's engaged to Ranma? And who is Tofu?
Genma: Akane!
Soun: Akane is Tofu?
Genma: No! Tofu is the doctor your nineteen-year-old daughter-Kasumi-keeps flirting with, Akane is the daughter who is going to marry Ranma!
Soun: But she's only sixteen!
Genma: GAH! Look at Nodoka, she's catching onto us, we'll continue this discussion later . . .
Soun: Viva la revolution!
Genma: What the fug?
~~~
Nodoka tried not to show that she'd understood the conversation. "Yes, discuss this with Nabiki. She would give you a calm and well thought out answer." Nodoka shrugged. 'And more enterprising, she'd welcome the chance to move to a land of freedom filled with people who spend their money on extravagancies like sex, and drugs!'
Ukyo charged into the skating rink. "Ranma-honey! Don't worry! I'm here to save you!"
"Hmm? Well thanks Ukyo, but I'm just fine." Ranma shrugged.
Ukyo frowned. What had she come here for? She couldn't remember. Oh yeah!
"Blood!" She cried.
"Eh?" Ranma frowned.
"We need blood!" Konatsu said.
"Why?" Akane asked.
"We need sugar! There is sugar in blood!" Ukyo explained.
"There is?" Ranma frowned.
"Blood sugar! Hello Ranma, is anyone home?" Ukyo wailed, smacking Ranma back and forth.
She looked around the rink and noticed a variety of strange things happening. For one, Mousse and a huge-simply enormous-German Shepherd were running around the rink with P-Chan while the girl with the bouncy hair who's name escaped Ukyo at the moment, was chasing them and giggling. Ukyo laughed wildly. "I know what to do! I know how we can get high!"
"Eh . . . well ma'am I was all for sugar, but I draw the line at drugs." Konatsu said, suddenly sobered.
"What? You stupid little man with your silly cute outfit that makes my loins burn!" Ukyo said, slapping Konatsu back and forth.
"What are loins?" Akane asked.
"I have no intention of doing drugs! I meant we should go to war with the RHFC!"
"We're going to what?" Konatsu asked.
"What is the RHFC?" Akane asked.
"Silence!" Ukyo screamed. "Konatsu! Go and rally our troops! Tonight we attack!"
"Hai!" Konatsu saluted and ran off. Or rather he bounced off, the sugar hadn't quite worn off yet.
"What the heck is the RHFC?" Akane demanded.
"None of your business RHFC-Sympathizer!" Ukyo screamed. "If you must know it stands for Ryoga Hibiki Fan Club and is headed by Akari Pig-Lover!"
"Pig lover?" Ranma frowned.
"I can't remember her last name!" Ukyo wailed. "For years . . . well actually for months . . . okay, for weeks the RSFC and RHFC have been mortal enemies and have waged terrible war on one another in the dead of night every night!"
"Oh-ho. Do I dare ask what RSFC stands for?" Akane asked.
"Come, Akane Tendo!" Ukyo proclaimed. "Come and let me teach you the ways of our most holy order, the RSFC!"
Kasumi watched the duel progress with mild interest. It was obvious who would win. While Nabiki was just glaring at the competitors with nothing short of pure hatred, Azusa and Ryoga were busy, and Mikado was now flirting with a woman who bared a strange resemblance to Cologne . . . oh god! It *was* Cologne!
Kasumi heard the judges talking about ending the duel in a tie, Nabiki would have to go out on a half date with Mikado, half of dinner, half a movie and they were now debating on just how far half of sex was, should the need arise.
But Kasumi would have none of that. She walked over to the judges and said, "If Ryoga Hibiki leaves the rink he loses, yes?" Kasumi asked.
"Yes."
"He has clearly left the rink." Kasumi said.
"Hmm?" The judge frowned. "But he was turned into that piglet."
"Nonsense. You're eyes deceive you. See Ryoga's cloths piled up where the pig first appeared? In truth Ryoga very cleverly switched himself with the pig and is running around naked." Kasumi said. She paused to take in the pleasurable image . . .
"I see . . . you are very correct, it is illogical for the pig to be Ryoga Hibiki. Very well . . . the winner is . . . The Golden Pair!"
The crowd went nuts. So did Nabiki, Ranma had to cut his conversation with Ukyo short to rush out to the rink and hold Nabiki back from Kasumi.
"Don't do it! Kill her and we'll be eating Akane's cooking tonight!"
"Thanks to her I'll be eating dinner with Mikado tonight, I don't care who's cooking you eat! Let me go! Let me at her!" Nabiki was yelling.
Kasumi just smiled blankly, happy that she could help. Help *herself* that is. Oh yeah, she was getting better at this whole evil, soulless wench thing. And soon she'd have Ryoga to prove it . . . provided she could figure out how to make point A, which was Ryoga, meet with point C which was Kasumi, bypassing point B which was Nabiki. Nabiki should be proud, not homicidal.
And then she had to ask herself again, why she was bothering with Ryoga? After all, she liked older men, and they didn't get much older than Happosai . . . ooh what a tiny little stud that old man was . . . probably to old to be fertile, just think of the money Kasumi would save on birth control . . . "WHAT AM I THINKING?" Kasumi shrieked out loud.
Later that afternoon Akari sat in the barn with Cologne.
"How much is this information worth to you?" Cologne asked.
"How much is your membership in RHFC worth to you?" Akari countered.
"Not a great deal." Cologne shrugged. "I'm just trying to play the Good Samaritan."
"The good what-the-who-with-what-the-fug?" Akari frowned.
"I'm trying to be nice." Cologne sighed.
"Okay, I'll give you five of my pigs as promised. You will give them good homes right?"
"Mm? Oh yes. Don't worry about that . . . kee-hee-hee!" Cologne cackled.
"Fine! What is your information?"
"The RSFC is rallying their forces for an all out offensive on you, and they might have recruited Akane Tendo to their cause."
"Crap! Akane Tendo? That whore!" Akari wailed. "She'd cream me!" Akari looked to her giant pig. "Katsunishiki! You can take her right?"
The pig shuddered.
"Not to worry, for I do have a possible counter to Akane Tendo. A warrior of superior skill who would join your organization temporarily."
"Shampoo is part of RSFC!" Akari wailed, misunderstanding the old crone's offer.
"Not Shampoo. Some one much worse." Cologne said, then cackled again. "But I'll need another three pigs."
Akari winced. "Will I at least get to visit them?" She asked.
"For the line of work they will be undertaking, that will be quite impossible." Cologne said. "But mind you, these pigs will make it possible for RHFC to overpower RSFC."
"Yes! Alright I accept!" Akari said at last. "Who is this ringer you would loan me?"
"Oh don't worry, I'll send for that one before the combat begins." Cologne said with a sinister smile.
"Well, give my piggies a good home." Akari said. "I had no idea you liked Sumo pigs so much Miss. Cologne."
"Heh. I certainly do." Cologne smiled.
That night the rain . . . well it rained down. And the dark night . . . eh . . . well it was dark. And Shampoo walked home alone, holding her pink umbrella tightly. Usually Mousse walked with her, she was glad he didn't now, he'd only fawn over her, and slow her down. Besides, she was walking through a bad part of town, she'd hate to have to protect the duck boy.
That's when it happened. She heard a strange sound, then dove to the side as a spear flew over her head. Shampoo was up in an instant, but before she could launch an attack the spear-thrower was standing just inches from her, face to face.
"Oh . . . is only *you*." Shampoo sighed.
To Be Continued . . .
Next Chapter ...
"Okay fine!" The amazon scowled. "Just makes my job easier."
"What is your name rookie?" Mariko demanded.
"I am The Great Amazonian Warrior Han Lo-Chun."
"Hand Lotion, gotcha, I'll remember that." Mariko said.
"Me too!" Akari said.
"Me three!" Another girl said.
"We'll all remember your name Hand Lotion!" Another girl said.
"No no, my name is-"
"Watch it! Here they come!"
Chapter 18
Something Wacky This Way Comes!
Nabiki's first order of business was to skate out of the way of Mikado's deadly attack. She flinched when it ended up hitting Ryoga instead. That'd leave a mark. An inch lower and Ryoga would be all but useless to her.
The middle Tendo was seething with anger! Kasumi knew! Somehow she'd known this was going to happen! Worse Nabiki had been the one to set the duel up for today, if she'd known and had a little more time she could have at least tricked Akane into doing this for her or something.
She watched from the sideline as Mikado and Azusa wiped the floors with Ryoga. It was sad, her pride in her lover-eh *servant's* fighting skills just went right down the drain. It didn't matter that he was fighting two experienced skaters and that he himself didn't really know how to skate, Nabiki still lost all the respect she had for him when Azusa sent him sprawling.
"Are you just going to let her do that to you?" Nabiki shouted.
Mikado skated over to Nabiki and said, "Nabiki Tendo, I'm very disappointed in you. A sweater? I was hoping for something I could unbutton."
Nabiki tried to count to ten and calm down, but that little remark was to equivalent of some one throwing gasoline on the fire that was the rage of Nabiki Tendo. Nabiki shouted, and threw Mikado across the rink, he landed on his feet-or skates-of course, but the fact was Nabiki had just thrown a guy across the room!
Hurrah!
"Whoa!" The announcer cried. "How did that-that's amazing!"
"She's *my* big sister." Akane said proudly.
"Oh . . . well *that* explains it." The announcer said.
"What's that supposed to mean!?" Akane demanded, Ranma was chuckling.
Skating was like gliding, and Ryoga was gliding. Gliding very quickly . . . backwards. Azusa had kicked him and he was flying back now. He hit the edge of the rink and lunged forward to avoid being thrown out. It'd been a while, so he wasn't sure, but he'd bet there was a rule against falling out of the rink or something like that.
He saw Nabiki toss Mikado, and foolishly he thought that maybe she was going to actually take part in this fight. Trusting in that he got to his feet and skated towards Azusa.
His thinking was simple, he could get started, that part was easy. Stopping was his problem. But, he'd move towards Azusa and charge her. He couldn't stop of course but she'd stop him easily enough, or they'd both say hello to the wall. Normally Ryoga had reservations about hitting girls but Azusa was . . . Azusa.
He didn't plan on Azusa sliding off to the side, or Mikado barreling into him to knock him onto his back.
"And the Golden Pair do a wonderful Bait and Switch attack!"
'There was no 'switch' involved! Mikado came out of nowhere!' Ryoga thought. He was filled with dread, expecting that stupid-and painful-goodbye whirl the two skating freaks had used on him and Ranma, but that didn't happen. Of course he should have realized that since he wasn't anywhere near Nabiki they wouldn't have used it. He struggled to get to his feet, and then stomped down with one foot then the other, planting himself firmly in the ice.
Not the smartest thing to do. Mikado took Azusa and they spun around, he flung her towards Ryoga and he knew he had two options. One, he could stand there like an idiot and get hit. Two? He threw himself backward and let Azusa fly right past him.
"And Hibiki avoids a Spinning Shiratori attack!"
The crowd cheered. Ryoga felt great! They were cheering for him! Him! He got up and got ready to charge for Mikado . . . then fell face forward. Why had he shoved his skates into the ice again?
"Ryoga!" Nabiki shouted. "You bone-headed dolt! What do you think you're-" Nabiki was skating towards him then suddenly fell over when Azusa skated out and tripped her.
That made Ryoga really mad, seeing Nabiki suddenly tumbling. It also made him laugh. "Who is the bonehead now eh?" He grumbled. He lunged forward, skating towards Azusa and Mikado, when suddenly . . .
"Here he comes to save the day!" Mousse shouted. "Don't worry Ryoga, Come have I to save you and reunite you with your long lost brother!"
"Arf!" Mercedes barked in agreement.
"Mousse!" Nabiki shouted.
"Mousse?" Ryoga questioned.
"Him so handsome! Him is Azusa's little Dominique!"
"Madam I am not your Dominique!" Mousse said. Then he materialized a bucket and laughed maniacally. "Fear not Ryoga Hibiki, for I have come to save you!"
"You said that!" Nabiki growled. She was still sprawled out on the ice. "Hey wait . . . no you don't! You wouldn't dare!"
"I would and I shall!" Mousse assured her. Mercedes barked excitedly. Mousse threw the bucket at Ryoga. It struck him dead center between the eyes and when he opened his now crossed eyes everyone in the world-except him-was fifty feet taller. 'Eh . . . son of a-' Ryoga thought, then he was running across the ice.
"Charlotte! Oh my little Charlotte! Come home with mommy Charlotte!"
'Why wont you die?' Ryoga demanded of her in his own head.
"Fetch!" Mousse shouted. Mercedes leapt into the rink and retrieved P-Chan. P-Chan glared wildly around the room. Nabiki was in the process of skating towards him while Mikado was flirting with Akane on the sidelines and of course Azusa! Azusa now saw Mercedes *and* Charlotte, how could she not chase after them both squealing like . . . well like a freak the whole time?
"It is simple . . ." Nodoka was explaining to Genma and Soun. "We all love it here, no?"
"No." Genma sighed.
"So-so." Soun shrugged.
"Then we simply buy the newly flattened land, we move the Tendo Training hall and the Tendo and Saotome homes here from Japan and buy all our children citizenship."
"I don't think that is something you can buy . . ." Soun frowned.
"Nonsense. Anyway I have it all worked out. Assuming there is some sort of rigorous testing and allegiance swaying involved in becoming a citizen of the United States of Hawaii-"
"Not quite accurate, it is United States of America, dear." Genma interrupted.
"We're not *in* America Genma darling." Nodoka rolled her eyes at her stupid husband. "Anyway assuming there is testing and actual work involved, I'm sure Nabiki would be intelligent enough to handle it, Kasumi is a grown woman anyway so she can live wherever she wants, and Akane would just have to marry Ranma to become a citizen."
"What makes you think Ranma would be a citizen?" Soun asked.
"Why wouldn't my son be able to become a citizen of this third world country?"
"Again not quite accu . . . oh forget it." Genma sighed.
"I do not think I want to live in America." Soun sighed.
"Nonsense! Just think of the work! Genma, you could get a job at the Zoo, you would be paid for sitting around doing nothing!"
"But without a TV . . ." Genma sighed.
"And Soun, just think of all the Hawaiians who would want to learn the Tendo Martial Arts!"
"I saw seventeen martial arts schools on the way to town and twelve others in the mall alone." Soun said lamely.
Nodoka unsheathed her newly recovered katana. "They won't be a problem. We shall clean them out!" She said. She ran her finger across the blade to make a point. Instead she cut herself. "Ouch! Sharp!"
"I suppose this is something we'd have to talk about with the kids . . ." Soun frowned.
"They will be afraid of change, better to move the house while they are all asleep!"
"I . . . do not like this idea . . ." Soun sighed.
"You'll like it plenty when our houses are right next to each other on that flattened land you've come to love so much."
"Perhaps."
"You'll like it even more when you learn that whilst my husband Genma is away at work I would be cleaning the house in an apron and nothing else."
"Hmm . . ." Soun looked to be deep in thought now. Nodoka felt that she'd won this argument.
"I'm sitting right here." Genma said.
"Yes darling, we see you." Nodoka assured her stupid husband.
"We will have to talk this over with Kasumi at least." Soun said at last. "After all, she is quite intelligent, the way she always scams that Kuno boy into buying pictures of Akane working out."
"No, you're thinking of Nabiki." Genma noted.
"Huh? I think I know my own daughters." Soun scowled.
"I feel for you Tendo, I really do." Genma shook his head. "But perhaps you should talk to all your children about this. It would affect them all." Genma started talking to Soun in hand sign language. The obviously forgot that Nodoka knew their little language.
~~~
Genma: She's fuggin nuts!
Soun: What say we tie her up and swim for Japan?
Genma: I'm with you brother!
Soun: Is Nabiki really the one who scams Kuno?
Genma: How can you confuse your daughters?
Soun: After so many years they are all just so many pairs of off-limits breasts and mouths to feed! And talk about leeching, Akane is nineteen now and she won't leave home! She's been flirting with that fifty-year-old doctor for how many years?
Genma: Akane is the sixteen-year-old! And if Tofu is probably early thirties.
Soun: . . . eh? Wait then who's engaged to Ranma? And who is Tofu?
Genma: Akane!
Soun: Akane is Tofu?
Genma: No! Tofu is the doctor your nineteen-year-old daughter-Kasumi-keeps flirting with, Akane is the daughter who is going to marry Ranma!
Soun: But she's only sixteen!
Genma: GAH! Look at Nodoka, she's catching onto us, we'll continue this discussion later . . .
Soun: Viva la revolution!
Genma: What the fug?
~~~
Nodoka tried not to show that she'd understood the conversation. "Yes, discuss this with Nabiki. She would give you a calm and well thought out answer." Nodoka shrugged. 'And more enterprising, she'd welcome the chance to move to a land of freedom filled with people who spend their money on extravagancies like sex, and drugs!'
Ukyo charged into the skating rink. "Ranma-honey! Don't worry! I'm here to save you!"
"Hmm? Well thanks Ukyo, but I'm just fine." Ranma shrugged.
Ukyo frowned. What had she come here for? She couldn't remember. Oh yeah!
"Blood!" She cried.
"Eh?" Ranma frowned.
"We need blood!" Konatsu said.
"Why?" Akane asked.
"We need sugar! There is sugar in blood!" Ukyo explained.
"There is?" Ranma frowned.
"Blood sugar! Hello Ranma, is anyone home?" Ukyo wailed, smacking Ranma back and forth.
She looked around the rink and noticed a variety of strange things happening. For one, Mousse and a huge-simply enormous-German Shepherd were running around the rink with P-Chan while the girl with the bouncy hair who's name escaped Ukyo at the moment, was chasing them and giggling. Ukyo laughed wildly. "I know what to do! I know how we can get high!"
"Eh . . . well ma'am I was all for sugar, but I draw the line at drugs." Konatsu said, suddenly sobered.
"What? You stupid little man with your silly cute outfit that makes my loins burn!" Ukyo said, slapping Konatsu back and forth.
"What are loins?" Akane asked.
"I have no intention of doing drugs! I meant we should go to war with the RHFC!"
"We're going to what?" Konatsu asked.
"What is the RHFC?" Akane asked.
"Silence!" Ukyo screamed. "Konatsu! Go and rally our troops! Tonight we attack!"
"Hai!" Konatsu saluted and ran off. Or rather he bounced off, the sugar hadn't quite worn off yet.
"What the heck is the RHFC?" Akane demanded.
"None of your business RHFC-Sympathizer!" Ukyo screamed. "If you must know it stands for Ryoga Hibiki Fan Club and is headed by Akari Pig-Lover!"
"Pig lover?" Ranma frowned.
"I can't remember her last name!" Ukyo wailed. "For years . . . well actually for months . . . okay, for weeks the RSFC and RHFC have been mortal enemies and have waged terrible war on one another in the dead of night every night!"
"Oh-ho. Do I dare ask what RSFC stands for?" Akane asked.
"Come, Akane Tendo!" Ukyo proclaimed. "Come and let me teach you the ways of our most holy order, the RSFC!"
Kasumi watched the duel progress with mild interest. It was obvious who would win. While Nabiki was just glaring at the competitors with nothing short of pure hatred, Azusa and Ryoga were busy, and Mikado was now flirting with a woman who bared a strange resemblance to Cologne . . . oh god! It *was* Cologne!
Kasumi heard the judges talking about ending the duel in a tie, Nabiki would have to go out on a half date with Mikado, half of dinner, half a movie and they were now debating on just how far half of sex was, should the need arise.
But Kasumi would have none of that. She walked over to the judges and said, "If Ryoga Hibiki leaves the rink he loses, yes?" Kasumi asked.
"Yes."
"He has clearly left the rink." Kasumi said.
"Hmm?" The judge frowned. "But he was turned into that piglet."
"Nonsense. You're eyes deceive you. See Ryoga's cloths piled up where the pig first appeared? In truth Ryoga very cleverly switched himself with the pig and is running around naked." Kasumi said. She paused to take in the pleasurable image . . .
"I see . . . you are very correct, it is illogical for the pig to be Ryoga Hibiki. Very well . . . the winner is . . . The Golden Pair!"
The crowd went nuts. So did Nabiki, Ranma had to cut his conversation with Ukyo short to rush out to the rink and hold Nabiki back from Kasumi.
"Don't do it! Kill her and we'll be eating Akane's cooking tonight!"
"Thanks to her I'll be eating dinner with Mikado tonight, I don't care who's cooking you eat! Let me go! Let me at her!" Nabiki was yelling.
Kasumi just smiled blankly, happy that she could help. Help *herself* that is. Oh yeah, she was getting better at this whole evil, soulless wench thing. And soon she'd have Ryoga to prove it . . . provided she could figure out how to make point A, which was Ryoga, meet with point C which was Kasumi, bypassing point B which was Nabiki. Nabiki should be proud, not homicidal.
And then she had to ask herself again, why she was bothering with Ryoga? After all, she liked older men, and they didn't get much older than Happosai . . . ooh what a tiny little stud that old man was . . . probably to old to be fertile, just think of the money Kasumi would save on birth control . . . "WHAT AM I THINKING?" Kasumi shrieked out loud.
Later that afternoon Akari sat in the barn with Cologne.
"How much is this information worth to you?" Cologne asked.
"How much is your membership in RHFC worth to you?" Akari countered.
"Not a great deal." Cologne shrugged. "I'm just trying to play the Good Samaritan."
"The good what-the-who-with-what-the-fug?" Akari frowned.
"I'm trying to be nice." Cologne sighed.
"Okay, I'll give you five of my pigs as promised. You will give them good homes right?"
"Mm? Oh yes. Don't worry about that . . . kee-hee-hee!" Cologne cackled.
"Fine! What is your information?"
"The RSFC is rallying their forces for an all out offensive on you, and they might have recruited Akane Tendo to their cause."
"Crap! Akane Tendo? That whore!" Akari wailed. "She'd cream me!" Akari looked to her giant pig. "Katsunishiki! You can take her right?"
The pig shuddered.
"Not to worry, for I do have a possible counter to Akane Tendo. A warrior of superior skill who would join your organization temporarily."
"Shampoo is part of RSFC!" Akari wailed, misunderstanding the old crone's offer.
"Not Shampoo. Some one much worse." Cologne said, then cackled again. "But I'll need another three pigs."
Akari winced. "Will I at least get to visit them?" She asked.
"For the line of work they will be undertaking, that will be quite impossible." Cologne said. "But mind you, these pigs will make it possible for RHFC to overpower RSFC."
"Yes! Alright I accept!" Akari said at last. "Who is this ringer you would loan me?"
"Oh don't worry, I'll send for that one before the combat begins." Cologne said with a sinister smile.
"Well, give my piggies a good home." Akari said. "I had no idea you liked Sumo pigs so much Miss. Cologne."
"Heh. I certainly do." Cologne smiled.
That night the rain . . . well it rained down. And the dark night . . . eh . . . well it was dark. And Shampoo walked home alone, holding her pink umbrella tightly. Usually Mousse walked with her, she was glad he didn't now, he'd only fawn over her, and slow her down. Besides, she was walking through a bad part of town, she'd hate to have to protect the duck boy.
That's when it happened. She heard a strange sound, then dove to the side as a spear flew over her head. Shampoo was up in an instant, but before she could launch an attack the spear-thrower was standing just inches from her, face to face.
"Oh . . . is only *you*." Shampoo sighed.
To Be Continued . . .
Next Chapter ...
"Okay fine!" The amazon scowled. "Just makes my job easier."
"What is your name rookie?" Mariko demanded.
"I am The Great Amazonian Warrior Han Lo-Chun."
"Hand Lotion, gotcha, I'll remember that." Mariko said.
"Me too!" Akari said.
"Me three!" Another girl said.
"We'll all remember your name Hand Lotion!" Another girl said.
"No no, my name is-"
"Watch it! Here they come!"