Discalimer: I still don't own Ranma or Charlotte's Web. Liu Bei was the historical first emperor of Shu-Han dynasty, he is said to resemble a monkey, with large ears.
Charlotte's Web
Chapter 19
The Battle of Three Armies!
Mariko Konjo sat in quiet contemplation of . . . well what ever it is that cheerleaders contemplate if they actually do contemplate.
Her servant (a monkey with very large ears and eyes like a frog with feet so large he could see them without having to look down) approached her, breaking her chain of thought.
"What do you want Liu Bei?!" She demanded of the monkey who so resembled the man.
"SCREE!" The monkey cried. It handed her a small scroll. She opened it, it was sealed by a sticker that read RHFC. A message from Akari Unryu.
The message read: The RSFC will attack tonight, send five thousand armored cavaliers and your best generals.
Mariko frowned. "I do not *have* five thousand members in my fan club . . . alas, if it is a chance to destroy the RSFC I shall have to do what I can." She stood up and glared at the monkey assistant. "Liu Bei! Fetch the members of TKFC and prepare them for battle!"
Akane Tendo, Ukyo Kuonji and Konatsu . . . whatever his last name is, were all sitting in a circle laying out the battle plans.
"Here, this slope on the far side of the pig farm, Konatsu can advance from here with ten thousand of our best fighters." Akane said.
"Problem, we don't *have* ten thousand." Konatsu said.
"What kind of army is this?" Akane demanded.
"We're not an army, we're a fan club. We just get into turf wars."
". . . oh-ho . . ." Akane frowned. "Well how many warriors-I mean members do we have?"
"One hundred." Ukyo said proudly.
"How many are there in RHFC?"
"About twenty." Ukyo shrugged.
"Yes! Then we still outnumber them!" Akane cried.
"When general Shampoo arrives we may divide the numbers into four quarters and each of us lead an attack on the pig farm from a different direction." Ukyo offered.
"Again-why are we doing this?" Konatsu said.
"Because we can." Ukyo said.
"What do we care if Ryoga has a fan club?" Konatsu whined.
"What? Ryoga has a fan club?" Akane frowned.
"That's what RHFC is, the Ryoga Hibiki Fan Club." Ukyo said.
Akane paused for a moment . . . then said "We're going to kill a bunch of people just because they like Ryoga?"
"No! No! We'd never kill them! We never ever kill anyone! We will severely maim, possibly injure, maybe hospitalize, probably even kill. They like Ryoga *more* than Ranma." Ukyo noted.
"Until I found out he was a sick stalker posing as my pet pig *I* liked Ryoga more than Ranma." Akane sighed.
"Sacrilege! SACRILEGE!" Ukyo cried, she waved her spatula in the air.
"But eh . . . but I don't now. Screw Ryoga." Akane amended quickly.
"Truly you are sent by heaven to help us tonight!" Ukyo said . . . I would like to say she calmed down, but she was actually more worked up now. "So fortunate am I to have met you today!" She cried.
"Ukyo . . . you're starting to sound a little like Kuno . . . and we met a long time ago. Heck we raided a mental asylum not so long ago to break out . . . oh my god! Doctor Tofu!" Akane cried.
"I've been sitting here expecting memories to teach me to see the horrors of the world-" Tofu sang.
"Don't sing!" The orderly cried.
"When the devil is too busy–"
"I said DON'T SING!" the orderly warned.
"Ah, Mr. Tofu, there is the matter of your bill to be discussed." The doctor said. "Now, you didn't pay the bill we gave you when you were discharged, and for some reason you've come back to us so soon and your bill is already doubled. We usually don't provide Pay To-View Television Programs and Fun-station Threes to our clients."
"Me not sane yet! Not understand! No pay bill!" Tofu cried.
"Bring him some meds . . ." The doctor sighed.
"Morphine!" Tofu advised. "And those purple pills too!"
"Right away sir." The nurse nodded.
"You see it is very simple, many women want to date me, and many men want to date your little sister. That has me thinking that she and I should be together." Mikado explained.
"Right. Um, hey unless you want me to show you the special technique I used to defeat Ranma Saotome, you'd better just stop talking about my little sister." Nabiki sighed.
"Oh my apologies, you see I date so many women I sometimes forget that they don't like hearing about each other."
"How could you?" Nabiki sighed.
"Some of them enjoy knowing they are better than the others." Mikado said. "And you are much better than any woman I've ever dated."
"That's good to know." Nabiki shrugged.
"Can I have a kiss now?" Mikado asked.
"Scum." Nabiki growled.
"Later perhaps." Mikado sighed.
"Get me some ice cream and I'll consider it." Nabiki scowled.
"Truly?" Mikado raised an interested eyebrow.
"Go! Get it now!" Nabiki snapped. She shook her head when he left, still wearing his skates, he somehow managed to glide over the restaurant floor without leaving and noticeable scratches. She shook her head when he got to the counter and shouted that he needed ice cream and that it was a matter of life and death because if he didn't get laid tonight it would surely mean his death.
'This is going to be a long night!' Nabiki sighed.
"So . . . where are we now?" Ranma asked.
"An excellent question." Mousse said.
"ARF!" Mercedes barked.
"Yes, he says we're nearing Ryoga's house." Mousse translated.
"This aint Ryoga's house!" Ranma cried.
"Are you sure?" Ryoga asked. "It's been so long since I've seen it . . . no, you're right this isn't even close."
"ARF!" Mercedes barked.
"He says you just don't remember it." Mousse said.
"Can ya really understand what he says?" Ranma asked.
"Well actually it's more like watching his body language and understanding it." Mousse shrugged.
"You . . . watch . . . understand . . . great! I'm lost in the middle of nowhere with a blind man, a wolf and a freak with no sense of direction!" Ranma cried.
"Hey! I am not a freak without a sense of direction!" Mousse cried.
"And I'm not a wolf!" Ryoga snapped.
"Arf!" Mercedes growled.
Ranma sighed and shook his head. It was going to be a long night! Then he thought 'What's that rumbling sound?'
Mariko rolled up onto Akari's farm in a huge tank. "I am here comrade!" She cried. "With my best-and only-members!"
"Excellent! With the TKFC fighting alongside the RHFC we cannot but win against the RSFC!" Akari cried.
"Enough with the acronyms, my head is starting to hurt!" Cologne groaned. "Now off I go to send you your ringer and to start chopping up-er I mean . . . housing these pigs."
"Goodbye!" Akari waved happily.
"I have fifteen warriors." Mariko said. "Is this enough?"
"I asked for five thousand!" Akari wailed. "How can we avenge the dishonor of our icons if Ranma Saotome's fan club is so much larger?"
"But Ranma *is* really sexy." One girl from the TKFC noted. Akari took a paint-ball pistol and shot her in the chest.
"Let that be a lesson to you! No one will call Ranma Saotome sexy while Mariko and I are around!"
"Hey! Those paintball thingies hurt!" The girl cried, so Akari shot her again.
Shampoo gripped her umbrella tightly to avoid the raindrops. "Why you throw spear at Shampoo?" She demanded.
"I wanted to see if you'd catch it like an Amazon, or dodge to the side like a coward. Now I know."
"You not throw good, Shampoo cannot catch even if she try. Since when you use spear?" Shampoo demanded.
"Since when do you speak like a child?"
"You make slight Shampoo?"
"I never make any sort of shampoo. Oh, you mean you? Yes I make slight of you every chance I get."
"Remember who won last time we fight!" Shampoo scowled.
"Bah! We were three years old!"
"Mousse say same thing! Shampoo still win!" Shampoo said proudly.
"Not this time! I'll rip you to pieces!" Shampoo's dark assailant lunged forward, Shampoo extended her leg to meet her attacker's face, she knocked her attacker back, but the movement caused droplets of rain to strike her bare ankle and soon she was a cat looking up at a very angry attacker.
"Halt!" Cried great grandmother. "Enough! You may call this one a draw. For now, Shampoo your silly little RSFC is organizing for an attack on the pig loving girl's farm."
"Meow! Yow Eyow!" 'It's not silly to gather with one hundred other hormone driven girls to sing praises to Ranma and then order pizza and watch romance movies!'
"Shampoo turns into a cat?" her attacker chuckled in disbelief.
"And you, I have already sold your services to the pig loving girl. Use this map to get to her place." Cologne said.
"How did you know I was here, elder?"
"I know everything! You are to take part in this battle opposite the side Shampoo is on, but you will resist your urges to fight Shampoo and you will instead attack the one called Akane Tendo and then the one Ukyo Kuonji each in turn and destroy them both." Cologne said.
"Why?"
"Let's just say that it is highly beneficial that Shampoo be the only of these three still drawing breath. And because I have so ordered. And because you want some of the pork ramen I'll be forcing Mousse to make in large batches when I figure out where he is."
"I thought you knew everything elder!" The attacker scowled.
"Silence!" Cologne scowled back, and these two got into a scowling contest. Then the small living mummy whacked the mysterious one on the head with her walking stick. "Go, and don't get attacked by any trees."
"Me-ow!" Shampoo giggled in cat-talk.
The attacker disappeared into the wet night, and Cologne walked over to the spear that had been thrown at Shampoo. "A walking stick eh? Well I'll have to hold onto this . . . never know when a pop-top spear might come in handy . . ." She had no idea how soon . . .
Ah Cologne always seems to come out on top of every situation. Much like Nabiki . . . except Nabiki really wasn't on top of her current situation at all. In fact she was sort of confused.
Mikado had more or less proven to be an inexhaustible supply of money, he'd bought her everything she'd ordered him too and really wasn't all that bad looking, heck, she'd admit it, he was a total babe. Why then did she have a supreme desire to destroy him? Or rather to order Ryoga-if that dog hadn't eaten him-to do it.
"Can we have sex yet?" Mikado asked.
'Oh yes, that's why.' Nabiki remembered now.
"So, shall we do it now, or wait until we get to my place?" Mikado asked.
"Wont we wake your mother?" Nabiki scowled.
"Oh I don't live with my parents anymore." Mikado chuckled.
"How old are you?" Nabiki arched an eyebrow.
"Oh . . . right well I do live with my parents, I just didn't want that to lower your opinion of me."
Mikado said with an apologetic smile.
"Oh Mickey, don't be silly!" Nabiki said with a smile, "How much lower could it possibly get?"
"Does that mean you will have sex with me?"
"How many times are you going to ask?" Nabiki demanded.
"How many times will you say 'no'?"
"A million." Nabiki shrugged.
"Then I will ask one million and one times." Mikado nodded.
"Wow . . . you really want to do me huh?" Nabiki sighed. "Well I'm really quite flattered but you see I am not the sort of girl to just "do it" after one date. We shall have to see each other again. Possibly on a weekly basis." Nabiki said.
"I see . . . but eventually we will get to have sex correct?" Mikado asked.
"Sure." Nabiki shrugged. "If you can keep me nice and happy on all of our dates."
"What if I just got you very drunk?"
"That would work too." Nabiki nodded.
"Then off we go to find a bar!" Mikado announced.
"But you'd have to ask yourself: Is Nabiki Tendo the sort of girl to go out drinking, get drunk then have sex with some guy wearing ice skates outside of an ice skating rink?"
"I do not usually wear them, but your sister didn't really give me time to change shoes." Mikado said with a frown.
"Yes . . . yes she has been rather annoying lately . . . I wonder why she keeps messing with me . . ." Nabiki said thoughtfully.
At just that moment Kasumi suddenly remembered why she was trying to outsmart Nabiki!
"Oh yeah! I wanted to get Ryoga kidnapped by Azusa, then the walls were destroyed so I had to swindle Nabiki and everyone else I could for mon-OH NO!" She cried. "I was supposed to be making money to finance the rebuilding of the hole in our wall! Instead I got into scheming without thoughts of money!" The phone rang, Kasumi answered it. "Father? Oh father I'm such a failure!"
"What? What! Who says you're a failure?"
"I tried to make money to rebuild the hole in the wall, but I just cant scam people like Nabiki! And then I started trying to scam Nabiki because I forgot why I was scamming people!"
"What? What the heck are you talking about? Hole in the wall? Nabiki is being scammed? By who? Is scam some sort of drug? Is your sister taking drugs!?"
"And now I'm going to have to sell Akane into slavery to make the money I need!"
"WHAT! Kasumi don't do anything until I come home! I'm coming home right now!" Soun cried over the phone.
"Did you enjoy your vacation?" Kasumi asked.
"No! These past three days have been hell!"
"It's only been three days?" Kasumi gasped.
"Eh . . . what?" Soun sounded confused.
"Oh my . . . if feels like it's been weeks since you left!" Kasumi cried.
"Well . . . maybe it has been . . ."
"Lets see now, how long ago was it that Ranma dropped the soap and was anally raped by a dozen prison inmates?" Kasumi tried to do some mental math.
"I mean I've been drunk most of the time, sleeping with your auntie Nodoka the rest of the time . . . excuse me what did you just say about Ranma dropping the soap?"
"And when was it that I started to suspect Nabiki and Ryoga were sleeping together?" Kasumi became lost in deep thought.
"Nabiki and Ryoga are WHAT!!!!"
"Oh my, has it really been just three days since all of our most prized possessions were stolen when we left Mousse to guard the house because of the giant hole in the wall?" Kasumi cried. "So much has happened!"
"My god! I'm coming home RIGHT NOW!" Soun screamed.
"Okay! Bye father, I love you!" Kasumi said with a smile that she was sure her father-though he couldn't see it-would sense.
They were all arrayed in the dugouts, thirty five brave young women with banners that could not be seen in the night light. Banners that read "Ryoga Hibiki is the Greatest Lover in History!" or "Tatewaki Kuno Can Sex Me Up!" Eventually the extra two girls, Akari and Mariko decided to set up bonfires to illuminate the oh so cleverly thought out banners.
Meanwhile the RSFC was closing in on the pig farm from four different directions. In groups of twenty five with their commanders, Akane, Ukyo, Konatsu and Shampoo leading. They had banners that read things such as "Ranma Saotome Is Da Bomb!" and "Ranma Rocks My World!" one girl held up a sign that said "I'm having Ranma Saotome's Baby!" underneath in microscopic parenthesis was "(someday)"
The dark form ignored these and went straight on to the pig girl's camp. There Akari greeted her guest with great kindness. "HOLY MOTHER OF GOD! You just popped out of nowhere!"
"It is a pleasure to make your acquaintance. I am the great Amazonian warrior-"
"Are you the one sent by Cologne to help me fight Akane Tendo?"
The warrior sighed. "Yes. I am The Great Amazonian Warrior, H-"
"Get in the dug out! Some one give this woman a rifle!"
"A rifle?"
"Yeah! What did you think we were going to use?"
The amazon produced an assortment of daggers and knives from out of nowhere.
"My god you are old fashioned! No! We use the guns!"
"Okay fine!" The amazon scowled. "Just makes my job easier."
"What is your name rookie?" Mariko demanded.
"I am The Great Amazonian Warrior Han Lo-Chun."
"Hand Lotion, gotcha, I'll remember that." Mariko said.
"Me too!" Akari said.
"Me three!" Another girl said.
"We'll all remember your name Hand Lotion!" Another girl said.
"No no, my name is-"
"Watch it! Here they come!"
Ryoga, Ranma, Mousse and Mercedes were all sitting together falling asleep under the night sky completely lost. They didn't have the things needed to make a fire, didn't even have Ryoga's gear since his pack was back at the Tendo place.
And of course-though they didn't know it-about one hundred and forty insane fan girls and their generals were about to wage terrible mortal combat all around them.
But if Ranma had known this he'd no doubt be bragging about his fan club being larger than the other two combined and about Mousse not having a fan club at all. Little would he know that the five hundred members of MFC were only not attending because such matters were ridiculous and beneath them.
Ryoga leaned back on Mercedes' soft fur, the dog was quite a comfortable pillow, all three boys were using him as such.
Until Ranma got up and pulled a tick out of his hair.
Then all three boys-Mousse in particular with his long flowing mane-were preening themselves like sissy girls.
The gigantic dog just sort of smiled in that way that dogs smile and laughed in that way that dogs laugh.
'Use me as a pillow eh? That'll learn ya!' was most likely what was going through his mind.
Ryoga pulled two fat ticks out of his hair but other than that was fine. He made sure both still had their heads, then smashed them to dust.
Then he heard it. The tromp-tromp of marching boots. Then he saw them, advancing over the hills . . . wait, had there been hills a minute ago? Anyway he saw them, the northern column of RSFC led by Akane!
He didn't know it of course, he just thought Akane had led a search party for them. He, Ranma, Mousse and Mercedes ran up to her. "Akane!" He cried. "Akane! You've found us!"
Akane blinked a couple times, Ryoga noted that she was dressed in a gray jump suit with a machine gun strapped and slung over her shoulder. He frowned. She frowned.
"Wow Akane . . . I like yer banners." Ranma said. "Ranma Saotome = Sex Machine . . . It's so true." Ranma smiled.
"Is that *the* Ranma Saotome!?" One girl cried. "Oh master Ranma, we're the RSFC! Ranma Saotome Fan Club!"
"Wow Akane! Yer part of my fan club?" Ranma asked with a snide smile.
"Don't be fooled!" Akane cried suddenly. "He's not Ranma! It's dark so you can't tell but it's a trick! See how he's with Ryoga Hibiki our sworn enemy? Kill them!" Akane cried.
"What? I'm your what?" Ryoga cried but all three boys and dog were already running for dear life, Ryoga running the wrong way until Ranma in an unexpected bout of fellowship turned back, grabbed Ryoga and pulled him in the right direction.
Akane and her goons were already firing their rifles, and machine guns. Ryoga felt a sharp sting, then another! He was hit! "Gah! I'm hit! It's all going black!" He cried.
When the four had made it far enough away Ryoga threw himself on the ground. "Leave me friends! I die . . . with no . . . regrets . . . eh . . ."
Ranma inspected Ryoga's wounds and scowled. "It's just a cap. Those freaks are shoot'in us with paint balls!"
"Wow . . . those paint ball thingies hurt!" Ryoga said, getting up as if he hadn't just put on that dramatic show.
The three shared a laugh, they didn't notice Mercedes bolt off to the west.
From the east came Ukyo and her brigade. The three friends . . . rivals . . . whatever . . . all looked in horror at Ukyo and her twenty five soldiers marching on them guns leveled, Ukyo leading with her war spatula ready to strike. Mousse was the only one not scared but that was just because he couldn't see any of it. But he could see Ranma and Ryoga's faces, so when Ranma shouted that it was time to run he more or less got the idea.
So again the three ran, but this time Mercedes charged them and slammed into the three of them bowling them over. There was a sound of chain gun fire the three got to their feet and followed the dog, Mousse luckily didn't hear Shampoo shout "Is evil dog of pig-girl's army! Kill!" or he'd probably have committed suicide and gone to fawn over Shampoo.
Ryoga, Ranma and Mousse all ran for dear life until they fell into a big ditch. Then Akari popped out of nowhere! "Ryoga!" She cried. "It is a sign from god! With you here we cannot lose!"
"What in the name of Roy is going on!?" Ranma cried.
"ECK! Ranma Saotome! You dare defile this holy moment with your filthy presence?" Akari cried.
"EEK! Ranma Saotome? She'll ruin every . . . you're not Ranma!" Mariko cried.
"Yes I am!" Ranma cried.
"Oh that's right, the whole sex changing thing-gotcha." Mariko nodded. "Regardless, is Master Kuno with you?"
"Master? Oh god this is an SNM club isn't it!?" Ryoga cried.
"No! No we're your fan club Ryoga!" Akari said. "We've dedicated ourselves to your worship!"
"Oh . . . that's a little odd . . ." Ryoga looked around the dugout at the many women now gazing at him lovingly. All were dressed in khaki jump suits and each held a rifle . . . it was a strange cult but he liked it already. "Then get ready for battle! Let's show the RSFC that we're better!"
"Oh gawd! He's given in!" Ranma cried.
"You are just upset because your own fans think you're a pretender." Mousse noted.
"Aww shaddap! I don't see yer fan club charging over that hill!" Ranma cried.
"Speaking of charge . . ." Mariko noted as Konatsu's twenty five rushed towards them.
"Ready!? FIRE!" Akari screamed.
There was the sound of about three dozen paintball guns going off, then the splat of several of them hitting their targets. Then from far off Ryoga was almost certain he heard Konatsu cry out "OUCH! Those paint ball thingies hurt!"
"Forward!" Came Ukyo's shout, followed by shouts from every other direction. The RHFC and TKFC were completely encircled!
"We're surrounded!" Ryoga cried. He looked around at the assembled teenage girls and then stood up, one hand on his chest, he wished he had a button-up shirt so he could do that cool Napoleon thing. He said to his disciples "As we stand on the eve of our destruction remember that to die in the name of Ryoga Hibiki is to die for justice! Don't fire until you see the white of their eyes, and spare no one!" He shouted, then threw his fist into the air in a salute that was returned by everyone-Ranma too, though Ryoga was sure it was with some sort of snide intent.
Ranma groaned and rolled his eyes, even Mercedes shook his head as if he understood the whole situation and was ashamed of the company he kept.
Nabiki groaned when Mikado handed her another strawberry. "Go on! Eat it!"
"Do guys really find this sort of thing sexy?"
"When it's done right." Mikado said.
"Well I'm not doing it right and I don't plan to." Nabiki told him.
"Yes I know. Now eat it, please!"
Nabiki glared at him. "I bet I'm allergic to these!" She growled.
"Aha, middle Tendo . . ." Cologne appeared out of nowhere.
Nabiki didn't let out the groan she felt in her throat at seeing the living mummy. "Hello old gal. What can I help you with?" She tried to sound casual, of course she was a master at that.
"I have been searching for you. When you were not in the bedroom of Mikado I believed you'd gone home, and when you were not there I systematically checked every ice-cream parlor in town and when you were not at any of those places I-"
"The first place you looked for me was Mikado's bedroom!?" Nabiki snapped.
"It is the first place *I* would look for a girl dating me." Mikado said. Nabiki glared at him, he winked at Cologne. "How are *you* doing beautiful?" He asked.
"Oh stop it, you make me feel ninety again!" Cologne said with mock enthusiasm
"Why are you looking for me? Need something?" Nabiki sighed.
"Well actually I thought you might want to know that an enormous battle is about to take place at the farm of . . . what's her face . . . Akari. Yes, she's leading the forces of RHFC against your sister and Ukyo's RSFC."
"What against my sister's who?"
"Ryoga Hibiki Fan Club against Ranma Saotome Fan Club."
"Oh my god!" Nabiki buried her face in her hands. "I would cry but there aren't enough tears!"
"You will go then?" Cologne asked.
"What? Why would I do that?" Nabiki scowled.
"Why . . . to claim ownership of the RHFC of course. After all you are Ryoga's girlfriend are you not?"
"Well . . . sort of . . . yes but no." Nabiki shrugged. She thought for a moment. "Let's humor your idea and say I am his girlfriend, heck lets go nuts and say I even slept with him once or twice-(Mikado became very interested in the conversation)-does that mean I have to take command of his fan club? I don't really care about his fan club."
"Ah . . . then I have erred in telling you of this, I thought you would be interested."
"Why is Akane going to war with them anyway?" Nabiki asked.
"Ukyo was hyped up on sugar and she-being the head of the organization-decided to wage war on the smaller organization and convinced your sister to fight for their side, being Ranma Saotome's fiancee your sister was instantly promoted to general . . . alas Akane could not refuse the chance to boss people around and wield a large gun.
"Oh yeah . . . that's Akane . . ." Nabiki said sarcastically. Akane usually preferred martial arts, but then again anything unladylike and you'd probably see Akane signing up for it. What surprised Nabiki was that Akane had chosen to join Ranma's fan club. She'd have thought her sister would join Ryoga's just to spite Ranma.
Nabiki's hand idly wondered to the bandanna she wore as a scarf and she sighed. "I don't need to go lead Ryoga's silly fan club, after all I more or less *own* Ryoga himself." She shrugged.
"Did I mention that Ryoga is there? He's going to be taking part in the huge drunken orgy that comes after the meeting is over." Cologne offered. Nabiki was up and out the door headed for Akari's farm in the blink of an eye. Then she came back, asked for directions then she was-again-up and out the door headed for Akari's farm in the blink of an eye.
Cologne shook her head. "I lied about that. I just wanted her to go so Han Lo-Chun could destroy her too . . ."
"But she's so pretty . . . why kill her?" Mikado sighed. "I've not slept with her yet!"
Cologne cocked an eyebrow at him. "Well for one I don't like the competition she gives me, oh sure we've never outright contended with each other, and if we did I'd probably win, but in fifty years who knows how intelligent she'll be? Second I just think it'd be really fun to see what happens to Akari when Nabiki shows up, her being Ryoga's girlfriend and all-the RHFC would see her as some sort of a god-thing and Akari would be knocked down to vice-president-if she's lucky-so fast it'd make her head spin!"
"Oh-ho . . ." Mikado got up. "It is not in me to end a date without getting laid. Would you like to come home with me oh beautiful one?"
"Uh . . . you're very sweet young man but . . . my heart belongs to another."
"Really? What a shame! Who might he be?" Mikado asked. "That I might know the name of the man superior to Mikado Sanzinen . . ."
"Eh . . . Happosai." Cologne said, just drawing a name out of thin air, she could have just as easily said Mousse, Ryoga, Ranma, or even Tofu.
But just her luck she said Happi. And just her luck the little panty thief was hopping by the restaurant at just that moment and heard her.
"Yippee! Cologne you old vixen! I knew you had a thing for me!"
"Oh why don't you just die!?" Cologne cried.
"I'm the very image of health!" Happi cried.
"That didn't even make sense!" Cologne scowled.
"Let's not fight! Let's make sweet love!" Happi said with a smile. Cologne whacked him with her stick, then took out the walking stick-spear that she'd found just that night and went after the little lecher with abandon.
"Be very very quiet!" She said to Mikado as she left. "I'm hunting Happi!"
"Eh . . . o-kay." Mikado shrugged.
To Be Continued . . .
Next Chapter . . .
"Quiet, you're better seen, not heard." Nabiki said, patting Ryoga on the shoulder. Suddenly all the girls were going wild. "Okay, tell me what's going on or I'll make Ryoga kick all your butts!"
Nabiki announced.
Ryoga was about to mention that he really couldn't fight a girl unless that girl was Ranma Saotome or Azusa Shiratori, but Akari spoke first.
"You're wearing his bandanna around your neck, you're bossing him around, you live together. You are the "chosen one" who was prophesied to come one day and lead us all to glory! You are the wife of our lord Ryoga!"
"Oh god!" Nabiki groaned.
"Exactly." Akari nodded.
Charlotte's Web
Chapter 19
The Battle of Three Armies!
Mariko Konjo sat in quiet contemplation of . . . well what ever it is that cheerleaders contemplate if they actually do contemplate.
Her servant (a monkey with very large ears and eyes like a frog with feet so large he could see them without having to look down) approached her, breaking her chain of thought.
"What do you want Liu Bei?!" She demanded of the monkey who so resembled the man.
"SCREE!" The monkey cried. It handed her a small scroll. She opened it, it was sealed by a sticker that read RHFC. A message from Akari Unryu.
The message read: The RSFC will attack tonight, send five thousand armored cavaliers and your best generals.
Mariko frowned. "I do not *have* five thousand members in my fan club . . . alas, if it is a chance to destroy the RSFC I shall have to do what I can." She stood up and glared at the monkey assistant. "Liu Bei! Fetch the members of TKFC and prepare them for battle!"
Akane Tendo, Ukyo Kuonji and Konatsu . . . whatever his last name is, were all sitting in a circle laying out the battle plans.
"Here, this slope on the far side of the pig farm, Konatsu can advance from here with ten thousand of our best fighters." Akane said.
"Problem, we don't *have* ten thousand." Konatsu said.
"What kind of army is this?" Akane demanded.
"We're not an army, we're a fan club. We just get into turf wars."
". . . oh-ho . . ." Akane frowned. "Well how many warriors-I mean members do we have?"
"One hundred." Ukyo said proudly.
"How many are there in RHFC?"
"About twenty." Ukyo shrugged.
"Yes! Then we still outnumber them!" Akane cried.
"When general Shampoo arrives we may divide the numbers into four quarters and each of us lead an attack on the pig farm from a different direction." Ukyo offered.
"Again-why are we doing this?" Konatsu said.
"Because we can." Ukyo said.
"What do we care if Ryoga has a fan club?" Konatsu whined.
"What? Ryoga has a fan club?" Akane frowned.
"That's what RHFC is, the Ryoga Hibiki Fan Club." Ukyo said.
Akane paused for a moment . . . then said "We're going to kill a bunch of people just because they like Ryoga?"
"No! No! We'd never kill them! We never ever kill anyone! We will severely maim, possibly injure, maybe hospitalize, probably even kill. They like Ryoga *more* than Ranma." Ukyo noted.
"Until I found out he was a sick stalker posing as my pet pig *I* liked Ryoga more than Ranma." Akane sighed.
"Sacrilege! SACRILEGE!" Ukyo cried, she waved her spatula in the air.
"But eh . . . but I don't now. Screw Ryoga." Akane amended quickly.
"Truly you are sent by heaven to help us tonight!" Ukyo said . . . I would like to say she calmed down, but she was actually more worked up now. "So fortunate am I to have met you today!" She cried.
"Ukyo . . . you're starting to sound a little like Kuno . . . and we met a long time ago. Heck we raided a mental asylum not so long ago to break out . . . oh my god! Doctor Tofu!" Akane cried.
"I've been sitting here expecting memories to teach me to see the horrors of the world-" Tofu sang.
"Don't sing!" The orderly cried.
"When the devil is too busy–"
"I said DON'T SING!" the orderly warned.
"Ah, Mr. Tofu, there is the matter of your bill to be discussed." The doctor said. "Now, you didn't pay the bill we gave you when you were discharged, and for some reason you've come back to us so soon and your bill is already doubled. We usually don't provide Pay To-View Television Programs and Fun-station Threes to our clients."
"Me not sane yet! Not understand! No pay bill!" Tofu cried.
"Bring him some meds . . ." The doctor sighed.
"Morphine!" Tofu advised. "And those purple pills too!"
"Right away sir." The nurse nodded.
"You see it is very simple, many women want to date me, and many men want to date your little sister. That has me thinking that she and I should be together." Mikado explained.
"Right. Um, hey unless you want me to show you the special technique I used to defeat Ranma Saotome, you'd better just stop talking about my little sister." Nabiki sighed.
"Oh my apologies, you see I date so many women I sometimes forget that they don't like hearing about each other."
"How could you?" Nabiki sighed.
"Some of them enjoy knowing they are better than the others." Mikado said. "And you are much better than any woman I've ever dated."
"That's good to know." Nabiki shrugged.
"Can I have a kiss now?" Mikado asked.
"Scum." Nabiki growled.
"Later perhaps." Mikado sighed.
"Get me some ice cream and I'll consider it." Nabiki scowled.
"Truly?" Mikado raised an interested eyebrow.
"Go! Get it now!" Nabiki snapped. She shook her head when he left, still wearing his skates, he somehow managed to glide over the restaurant floor without leaving and noticeable scratches. She shook her head when he got to the counter and shouted that he needed ice cream and that it was a matter of life and death because if he didn't get laid tonight it would surely mean his death.
'This is going to be a long night!' Nabiki sighed.
"So . . . where are we now?" Ranma asked.
"An excellent question." Mousse said.
"ARF!" Mercedes barked.
"Yes, he says we're nearing Ryoga's house." Mousse translated.
"This aint Ryoga's house!" Ranma cried.
"Are you sure?" Ryoga asked. "It's been so long since I've seen it . . . no, you're right this isn't even close."
"ARF!" Mercedes barked.
"He says you just don't remember it." Mousse said.
"Can ya really understand what he says?" Ranma asked.
"Well actually it's more like watching his body language and understanding it." Mousse shrugged.
"You . . . watch . . . understand . . . great! I'm lost in the middle of nowhere with a blind man, a wolf and a freak with no sense of direction!" Ranma cried.
"Hey! I am not a freak without a sense of direction!" Mousse cried.
"And I'm not a wolf!" Ryoga snapped.
"Arf!" Mercedes growled.
Ranma sighed and shook his head. It was going to be a long night! Then he thought 'What's that rumbling sound?'
Mariko rolled up onto Akari's farm in a huge tank. "I am here comrade!" She cried. "With my best-and only-members!"
"Excellent! With the TKFC fighting alongside the RHFC we cannot but win against the RSFC!" Akari cried.
"Enough with the acronyms, my head is starting to hurt!" Cologne groaned. "Now off I go to send you your ringer and to start chopping up-er I mean . . . housing these pigs."
"Goodbye!" Akari waved happily.
"I have fifteen warriors." Mariko said. "Is this enough?"
"I asked for five thousand!" Akari wailed. "How can we avenge the dishonor of our icons if Ranma Saotome's fan club is so much larger?"
"But Ranma *is* really sexy." One girl from the TKFC noted. Akari took a paint-ball pistol and shot her in the chest.
"Let that be a lesson to you! No one will call Ranma Saotome sexy while Mariko and I are around!"
"Hey! Those paintball thingies hurt!" The girl cried, so Akari shot her again.
Shampoo gripped her umbrella tightly to avoid the raindrops. "Why you throw spear at Shampoo?" She demanded.
"I wanted to see if you'd catch it like an Amazon, or dodge to the side like a coward. Now I know."
"You not throw good, Shampoo cannot catch even if she try. Since when you use spear?" Shampoo demanded.
"Since when do you speak like a child?"
"You make slight Shampoo?"
"I never make any sort of shampoo. Oh, you mean you? Yes I make slight of you every chance I get."
"Remember who won last time we fight!" Shampoo scowled.
"Bah! We were three years old!"
"Mousse say same thing! Shampoo still win!" Shampoo said proudly.
"Not this time! I'll rip you to pieces!" Shampoo's dark assailant lunged forward, Shampoo extended her leg to meet her attacker's face, she knocked her attacker back, but the movement caused droplets of rain to strike her bare ankle and soon she was a cat looking up at a very angry attacker.
"Halt!" Cried great grandmother. "Enough! You may call this one a draw. For now, Shampoo your silly little RSFC is organizing for an attack on the pig loving girl's farm."
"Meow! Yow Eyow!" 'It's not silly to gather with one hundred other hormone driven girls to sing praises to Ranma and then order pizza and watch romance movies!'
"Shampoo turns into a cat?" her attacker chuckled in disbelief.
"And you, I have already sold your services to the pig loving girl. Use this map to get to her place." Cologne said.
"How did you know I was here, elder?"
"I know everything! You are to take part in this battle opposite the side Shampoo is on, but you will resist your urges to fight Shampoo and you will instead attack the one called Akane Tendo and then the one Ukyo Kuonji each in turn and destroy them both." Cologne said.
"Why?"
"Let's just say that it is highly beneficial that Shampoo be the only of these three still drawing breath. And because I have so ordered. And because you want some of the pork ramen I'll be forcing Mousse to make in large batches when I figure out where he is."
"I thought you knew everything elder!" The attacker scowled.
"Silence!" Cologne scowled back, and these two got into a scowling contest. Then the small living mummy whacked the mysterious one on the head with her walking stick. "Go, and don't get attacked by any trees."
"Me-ow!" Shampoo giggled in cat-talk.
The attacker disappeared into the wet night, and Cologne walked over to the spear that had been thrown at Shampoo. "A walking stick eh? Well I'll have to hold onto this . . . never know when a pop-top spear might come in handy . . ." She had no idea how soon . . .
Ah Cologne always seems to come out on top of every situation. Much like Nabiki . . . except Nabiki really wasn't on top of her current situation at all. In fact she was sort of confused.
Mikado had more or less proven to be an inexhaustible supply of money, he'd bought her everything she'd ordered him too and really wasn't all that bad looking, heck, she'd admit it, he was a total babe. Why then did she have a supreme desire to destroy him? Or rather to order Ryoga-if that dog hadn't eaten him-to do it.
"Can we have sex yet?" Mikado asked.
'Oh yes, that's why.' Nabiki remembered now.
"So, shall we do it now, or wait until we get to my place?" Mikado asked.
"Wont we wake your mother?" Nabiki scowled.
"Oh I don't live with my parents anymore." Mikado chuckled.
"How old are you?" Nabiki arched an eyebrow.
"Oh . . . right well I do live with my parents, I just didn't want that to lower your opinion of me."
Mikado said with an apologetic smile.
"Oh Mickey, don't be silly!" Nabiki said with a smile, "How much lower could it possibly get?"
"Does that mean you will have sex with me?"
"How many times are you going to ask?" Nabiki demanded.
"How many times will you say 'no'?"
"A million." Nabiki shrugged.
"Then I will ask one million and one times." Mikado nodded.
"Wow . . . you really want to do me huh?" Nabiki sighed. "Well I'm really quite flattered but you see I am not the sort of girl to just "do it" after one date. We shall have to see each other again. Possibly on a weekly basis." Nabiki said.
"I see . . . but eventually we will get to have sex correct?" Mikado asked.
"Sure." Nabiki shrugged. "If you can keep me nice and happy on all of our dates."
"What if I just got you very drunk?"
"That would work too." Nabiki nodded.
"Then off we go to find a bar!" Mikado announced.
"But you'd have to ask yourself: Is Nabiki Tendo the sort of girl to go out drinking, get drunk then have sex with some guy wearing ice skates outside of an ice skating rink?"
"I do not usually wear them, but your sister didn't really give me time to change shoes." Mikado said with a frown.
"Yes . . . yes she has been rather annoying lately . . . I wonder why she keeps messing with me . . ." Nabiki said thoughtfully.
At just that moment Kasumi suddenly remembered why she was trying to outsmart Nabiki!
"Oh yeah! I wanted to get Ryoga kidnapped by Azusa, then the walls were destroyed so I had to swindle Nabiki and everyone else I could for mon-OH NO!" She cried. "I was supposed to be making money to finance the rebuilding of the hole in our wall! Instead I got into scheming without thoughts of money!" The phone rang, Kasumi answered it. "Father? Oh father I'm such a failure!"
"What? What! Who says you're a failure?"
"I tried to make money to rebuild the hole in the wall, but I just cant scam people like Nabiki! And then I started trying to scam Nabiki because I forgot why I was scamming people!"
"What? What the heck are you talking about? Hole in the wall? Nabiki is being scammed? By who? Is scam some sort of drug? Is your sister taking drugs!?"
"And now I'm going to have to sell Akane into slavery to make the money I need!"
"WHAT! Kasumi don't do anything until I come home! I'm coming home right now!" Soun cried over the phone.
"Did you enjoy your vacation?" Kasumi asked.
"No! These past three days have been hell!"
"It's only been three days?" Kasumi gasped.
"Eh . . . what?" Soun sounded confused.
"Oh my . . . if feels like it's been weeks since you left!" Kasumi cried.
"Well . . . maybe it has been . . ."
"Lets see now, how long ago was it that Ranma dropped the soap and was anally raped by a dozen prison inmates?" Kasumi tried to do some mental math.
"I mean I've been drunk most of the time, sleeping with your auntie Nodoka the rest of the time . . . excuse me what did you just say about Ranma dropping the soap?"
"And when was it that I started to suspect Nabiki and Ryoga were sleeping together?" Kasumi became lost in deep thought.
"Nabiki and Ryoga are WHAT!!!!"
"Oh my, has it really been just three days since all of our most prized possessions were stolen when we left Mousse to guard the house because of the giant hole in the wall?" Kasumi cried. "So much has happened!"
"My god! I'm coming home RIGHT NOW!" Soun screamed.
"Okay! Bye father, I love you!" Kasumi said with a smile that she was sure her father-though he couldn't see it-would sense.
They were all arrayed in the dugouts, thirty five brave young women with banners that could not be seen in the night light. Banners that read "Ryoga Hibiki is the Greatest Lover in History!" or "Tatewaki Kuno Can Sex Me Up!" Eventually the extra two girls, Akari and Mariko decided to set up bonfires to illuminate the oh so cleverly thought out banners.
Meanwhile the RSFC was closing in on the pig farm from four different directions. In groups of twenty five with their commanders, Akane, Ukyo, Konatsu and Shampoo leading. They had banners that read things such as "Ranma Saotome Is Da Bomb!" and "Ranma Rocks My World!" one girl held up a sign that said "I'm having Ranma Saotome's Baby!" underneath in microscopic parenthesis was "(someday)"
The dark form ignored these and went straight on to the pig girl's camp. There Akari greeted her guest with great kindness. "HOLY MOTHER OF GOD! You just popped out of nowhere!"
"It is a pleasure to make your acquaintance. I am the great Amazonian warrior-"
"Are you the one sent by Cologne to help me fight Akane Tendo?"
The warrior sighed. "Yes. I am The Great Amazonian Warrior, H-"
"Get in the dug out! Some one give this woman a rifle!"
"A rifle?"
"Yeah! What did you think we were going to use?"
The amazon produced an assortment of daggers and knives from out of nowhere.
"My god you are old fashioned! No! We use the guns!"
"Okay fine!" The amazon scowled. "Just makes my job easier."
"What is your name rookie?" Mariko demanded.
"I am The Great Amazonian Warrior Han Lo-Chun."
"Hand Lotion, gotcha, I'll remember that." Mariko said.
"Me too!" Akari said.
"Me three!" Another girl said.
"We'll all remember your name Hand Lotion!" Another girl said.
"No no, my name is-"
"Watch it! Here they come!"
Ryoga, Ranma, Mousse and Mercedes were all sitting together falling asleep under the night sky completely lost. They didn't have the things needed to make a fire, didn't even have Ryoga's gear since his pack was back at the Tendo place.
And of course-though they didn't know it-about one hundred and forty insane fan girls and their generals were about to wage terrible mortal combat all around them.
But if Ranma had known this he'd no doubt be bragging about his fan club being larger than the other two combined and about Mousse not having a fan club at all. Little would he know that the five hundred members of MFC were only not attending because such matters were ridiculous and beneath them.
Ryoga leaned back on Mercedes' soft fur, the dog was quite a comfortable pillow, all three boys were using him as such.
Until Ranma got up and pulled a tick out of his hair.
Then all three boys-Mousse in particular with his long flowing mane-were preening themselves like sissy girls.
The gigantic dog just sort of smiled in that way that dogs smile and laughed in that way that dogs laugh.
'Use me as a pillow eh? That'll learn ya!' was most likely what was going through his mind.
Ryoga pulled two fat ticks out of his hair but other than that was fine. He made sure both still had their heads, then smashed them to dust.
Then he heard it. The tromp-tromp of marching boots. Then he saw them, advancing over the hills . . . wait, had there been hills a minute ago? Anyway he saw them, the northern column of RSFC led by Akane!
He didn't know it of course, he just thought Akane had led a search party for them. He, Ranma, Mousse and Mercedes ran up to her. "Akane!" He cried. "Akane! You've found us!"
Akane blinked a couple times, Ryoga noted that she was dressed in a gray jump suit with a machine gun strapped and slung over her shoulder. He frowned. She frowned.
"Wow Akane . . . I like yer banners." Ranma said. "Ranma Saotome = Sex Machine . . . It's so true." Ranma smiled.
"Is that *the* Ranma Saotome!?" One girl cried. "Oh master Ranma, we're the RSFC! Ranma Saotome Fan Club!"
"Wow Akane! Yer part of my fan club?" Ranma asked with a snide smile.
"Don't be fooled!" Akane cried suddenly. "He's not Ranma! It's dark so you can't tell but it's a trick! See how he's with Ryoga Hibiki our sworn enemy? Kill them!" Akane cried.
"What? I'm your what?" Ryoga cried but all three boys and dog were already running for dear life, Ryoga running the wrong way until Ranma in an unexpected bout of fellowship turned back, grabbed Ryoga and pulled him in the right direction.
Akane and her goons were already firing their rifles, and machine guns. Ryoga felt a sharp sting, then another! He was hit! "Gah! I'm hit! It's all going black!" He cried.
When the four had made it far enough away Ryoga threw himself on the ground. "Leave me friends! I die . . . with no . . . regrets . . . eh . . ."
Ranma inspected Ryoga's wounds and scowled. "It's just a cap. Those freaks are shoot'in us with paint balls!"
"Wow . . . those paint ball thingies hurt!" Ryoga said, getting up as if he hadn't just put on that dramatic show.
The three shared a laugh, they didn't notice Mercedes bolt off to the west.
From the east came Ukyo and her brigade. The three friends . . . rivals . . . whatever . . . all looked in horror at Ukyo and her twenty five soldiers marching on them guns leveled, Ukyo leading with her war spatula ready to strike. Mousse was the only one not scared but that was just because he couldn't see any of it. But he could see Ranma and Ryoga's faces, so when Ranma shouted that it was time to run he more or less got the idea.
So again the three ran, but this time Mercedes charged them and slammed into the three of them bowling them over. There was a sound of chain gun fire the three got to their feet and followed the dog, Mousse luckily didn't hear Shampoo shout "Is evil dog of pig-girl's army! Kill!" or he'd probably have committed suicide and gone to fawn over Shampoo.
Ryoga, Ranma and Mousse all ran for dear life until they fell into a big ditch. Then Akari popped out of nowhere! "Ryoga!" She cried. "It is a sign from god! With you here we cannot lose!"
"What in the name of Roy is going on!?" Ranma cried.
"ECK! Ranma Saotome! You dare defile this holy moment with your filthy presence?" Akari cried.
"EEK! Ranma Saotome? She'll ruin every . . . you're not Ranma!" Mariko cried.
"Yes I am!" Ranma cried.
"Oh that's right, the whole sex changing thing-gotcha." Mariko nodded. "Regardless, is Master Kuno with you?"
"Master? Oh god this is an SNM club isn't it!?" Ryoga cried.
"No! No we're your fan club Ryoga!" Akari said. "We've dedicated ourselves to your worship!"
"Oh . . . that's a little odd . . ." Ryoga looked around the dugout at the many women now gazing at him lovingly. All were dressed in khaki jump suits and each held a rifle . . . it was a strange cult but he liked it already. "Then get ready for battle! Let's show the RSFC that we're better!"
"Oh gawd! He's given in!" Ranma cried.
"You are just upset because your own fans think you're a pretender." Mousse noted.
"Aww shaddap! I don't see yer fan club charging over that hill!" Ranma cried.
"Speaking of charge . . ." Mariko noted as Konatsu's twenty five rushed towards them.
"Ready!? FIRE!" Akari screamed.
There was the sound of about three dozen paintball guns going off, then the splat of several of them hitting their targets. Then from far off Ryoga was almost certain he heard Konatsu cry out "OUCH! Those paint ball thingies hurt!"
"Forward!" Came Ukyo's shout, followed by shouts from every other direction. The RHFC and TKFC were completely encircled!
"We're surrounded!" Ryoga cried. He looked around at the assembled teenage girls and then stood up, one hand on his chest, he wished he had a button-up shirt so he could do that cool Napoleon thing. He said to his disciples "As we stand on the eve of our destruction remember that to die in the name of Ryoga Hibiki is to die for justice! Don't fire until you see the white of their eyes, and spare no one!" He shouted, then threw his fist into the air in a salute that was returned by everyone-Ranma too, though Ryoga was sure it was with some sort of snide intent.
Ranma groaned and rolled his eyes, even Mercedes shook his head as if he understood the whole situation and was ashamed of the company he kept.
Nabiki groaned when Mikado handed her another strawberry. "Go on! Eat it!"
"Do guys really find this sort of thing sexy?"
"When it's done right." Mikado said.
"Well I'm not doing it right and I don't plan to." Nabiki told him.
"Yes I know. Now eat it, please!"
Nabiki glared at him. "I bet I'm allergic to these!" She growled.
"Aha, middle Tendo . . ." Cologne appeared out of nowhere.
Nabiki didn't let out the groan she felt in her throat at seeing the living mummy. "Hello old gal. What can I help you with?" She tried to sound casual, of course she was a master at that.
"I have been searching for you. When you were not in the bedroom of Mikado I believed you'd gone home, and when you were not there I systematically checked every ice-cream parlor in town and when you were not at any of those places I-"
"The first place you looked for me was Mikado's bedroom!?" Nabiki snapped.
"It is the first place *I* would look for a girl dating me." Mikado said. Nabiki glared at him, he winked at Cologne. "How are *you* doing beautiful?" He asked.
"Oh stop it, you make me feel ninety again!" Cologne said with mock enthusiasm
"Why are you looking for me? Need something?" Nabiki sighed.
"Well actually I thought you might want to know that an enormous battle is about to take place at the farm of . . . what's her face . . . Akari. Yes, she's leading the forces of RHFC against your sister and Ukyo's RSFC."
"What against my sister's who?"
"Ryoga Hibiki Fan Club against Ranma Saotome Fan Club."
"Oh my god!" Nabiki buried her face in her hands. "I would cry but there aren't enough tears!"
"You will go then?" Cologne asked.
"What? Why would I do that?" Nabiki scowled.
"Why . . . to claim ownership of the RHFC of course. After all you are Ryoga's girlfriend are you not?"
"Well . . . sort of . . . yes but no." Nabiki shrugged. She thought for a moment. "Let's humor your idea and say I am his girlfriend, heck lets go nuts and say I even slept with him once or twice-(Mikado became very interested in the conversation)-does that mean I have to take command of his fan club? I don't really care about his fan club."
"Ah . . . then I have erred in telling you of this, I thought you would be interested."
"Why is Akane going to war with them anyway?" Nabiki asked.
"Ukyo was hyped up on sugar and she-being the head of the organization-decided to wage war on the smaller organization and convinced your sister to fight for their side, being Ranma Saotome's fiancee your sister was instantly promoted to general . . . alas Akane could not refuse the chance to boss people around and wield a large gun.
"Oh yeah . . . that's Akane . . ." Nabiki said sarcastically. Akane usually preferred martial arts, but then again anything unladylike and you'd probably see Akane signing up for it. What surprised Nabiki was that Akane had chosen to join Ranma's fan club. She'd have thought her sister would join Ryoga's just to spite Ranma.
Nabiki's hand idly wondered to the bandanna she wore as a scarf and she sighed. "I don't need to go lead Ryoga's silly fan club, after all I more or less *own* Ryoga himself." She shrugged.
"Did I mention that Ryoga is there? He's going to be taking part in the huge drunken orgy that comes after the meeting is over." Cologne offered. Nabiki was up and out the door headed for Akari's farm in the blink of an eye. Then she came back, asked for directions then she was-again-up and out the door headed for Akari's farm in the blink of an eye.
Cologne shook her head. "I lied about that. I just wanted her to go so Han Lo-Chun could destroy her too . . ."
"But she's so pretty . . . why kill her?" Mikado sighed. "I've not slept with her yet!"
Cologne cocked an eyebrow at him. "Well for one I don't like the competition she gives me, oh sure we've never outright contended with each other, and if we did I'd probably win, but in fifty years who knows how intelligent she'll be? Second I just think it'd be really fun to see what happens to Akari when Nabiki shows up, her being Ryoga's girlfriend and all-the RHFC would see her as some sort of a god-thing and Akari would be knocked down to vice-president-if she's lucky-so fast it'd make her head spin!"
"Oh-ho . . ." Mikado got up. "It is not in me to end a date without getting laid. Would you like to come home with me oh beautiful one?"
"Uh . . . you're very sweet young man but . . . my heart belongs to another."
"Really? What a shame! Who might he be?" Mikado asked. "That I might know the name of the man superior to Mikado Sanzinen . . ."
"Eh . . . Happosai." Cologne said, just drawing a name out of thin air, she could have just as easily said Mousse, Ryoga, Ranma, or even Tofu.
But just her luck she said Happi. And just her luck the little panty thief was hopping by the restaurant at just that moment and heard her.
"Yippee! Cologne you old vixen! I knew you had a thing for me!"
"Oh why don't you just die!?" Cologne cried.
"I'm the very image of health!" Happi cried.
"That didn't even make sense!" Cologne scowled.
"Let's not fight! Let's make sweet love!" Happi said with a smile. Cologne whacked him with her stick, then took out the walking stick-spear that she'd found just that night and went after the little lecher with abandon.
"Be very very quiet!" She said to Mikado as she left. "I'm hunting Happi!"
"Eh . . . o-kay." Mikado shrugged.
To Be Continued . . .
Next Chapter . . .
"Quiet, you're better seen, not heard." Nabiki said, patting Ryoga on the shoulder. Suddenly all the girls were going wild. "Okay, tell me what's going on or I'll make Ryoga kick all your butts!"
Nabiki announced.
Ryoga was about to mention that he really couldn't fight a girl unless that girl was Ranma Saotome or Azusa Shiratori, but Akari spoke first.
"You're wearing his bandanna around your neck, you're bossing him around, you live together. You are the "chosen one" who was prophesied to come one day and lead us all to glory! You are the wife of our lord Ryoga!"
"Oh god!" Nabiki groaned.
"Exactly." Akari nodded.