Charlotte's Web
Chapter 20
The Feared Assassin Hand Lotion!
The gunfire was deafening, the roar of the bombs was so loud that the officer's orders couldn't be heard by their troops, people were going nuts!
But it was a really boring show, so Genma decided to change the channel. Then Soun barged in ranting about Nabiki being pregnant and Kasumi pimping Akane out on the streets.
"We must go home!" Soun cried.
"Yeah, we've decided on that already. But since we missed yet another plane we're taking a pleasure cruise tomorrow, in a week we should be in Japan."
"A week? That's too long!" Soun cried.
"Hey, this is the fastest cruise we could find." Nodoka said coming out of the hotel shower wearing a hotel bathrobe that she'd stolen from the last hotel they'd been in. She'd actually gone back to the hotel, stolen the robe and come back to their current hotel because she hated the color of the mauve robes but preferred their room service over the other hotels. She'd also stolen a goodly supply of the robes to be sold on the black robe market back in Japan.
Genma had confronted her on this saying, "That's not right, you're stealing!"
She'd shook her head and said "Nonsense! I'm giving back to the community and feeding economically weak Japan off the fat of economically strong America."
"Eh . . . okay . . . but I don't think Japan is economically weak in the least." Genma had conceded.
And Nodoka had replied "That is because you are a true patriot my husband."
"SAOTOME!" Soun shouted. Genma snapped out of his daze. "Stop reminiscing about bath robes and pay attention!"
"I'm sorry Tendo . . ."
"I just called Kasumi and she said that the house burned down, everything has been stolen, she's sold Akane, and Nabiki is having Ryoga's baby!"
"Wow . . . good for her. Ryoga is a very manly-" Nodoka began to try to console Soun but he'd have none of that.
"Manly nothing! When I catch him he'll be a woman!"
"Oh . . . well that wouldn't be manly at all." Nodoka shook her head. "Are you sure everything is as bad as you just said it was?"
"Soun was pacing back and forth sobbing. "My home! My children! Would I make this up?"
"Well no, but you have a tendency to overreact, and let us not forget that if the house had burned down you couldn't have called Kasumi and she couldn't have answered unless she was in the house while it was burning." Nodoka said. It made perfect sense to Genma, Soun had misunderstood, and perhaps they should call Kasumi again.
But Soun . . .
"KASUMI IS ON FIRE! AAAHHHHHH!" He screamed and ran around the room until Nodoka whacked him with the hilt of her katana and laid him out on the ground fast asleep.
"Ahh . . . look at him, so peaceful when he's asleep, like a little drunken mustachioed dog." Genma sighed.
"Umm-hmm . . . should we call Kasumi?" Nodoka asked.
"Why?" Genma sighed. "She's probably burned to death by now."
Nodoka lunged forward hilt first and everything went black.
Meanwhile the pip-pop of the paint ball gunfire wasn't all that deafening, but the girls were really going at it. Ryoga was really quite surprised, they must have practiced this a lot.
Wave after wave of RSFC came on and each time they were sent back by determined RHFC defenders.
Ryoga had eventually grown quite bored with the whole thing. No wonder these girls were in his fan club, they were just like him. They had no sense of direction, except he had none when he tried to go some place, they had no sense of direction when it came to life. What part of staying up all night having a perpetual paint ball war did they think was going to help them later in life? At least they were wearing goggles, some one could lose an eye.
Ryoga felt something hit his shoulder, he shrugged it off but MAN did those paint ball thingies hurt! Was all his training for nothing? Was the mighty Ryoga to be brought down by a paint ball?
Yes. Yes he was.
"Ryoga call off yer nutso fans!" Ranma scowled.
"Hah! Your fan club is the one invading! You call them off!" Ryoga scowled back.
"I will call off my fan club if some one would just point them out to me." Mousse said, his glasses had been covered in paint but he insisted he could still see-not that he was wearing them now-anyway.
"You don't have one!" Ranma scowled.
"Impossible!" Mousse cried. "Why do you two have fan clubs?"
"I'm not entirely sure." Ryoga said. "But it feels so good to know some one cares. Ironically I haven't ever met any of these girls-besides Akari-before in my life."
"That's what's called a stalker." Ranma said. "Ouch!" He got shot by two girls from the RHFC line. "Darn it I want to go home! I'm cold, tired and-"
"Look out!" Some one shouted. "It's Akane Tendo!"
Ranma dove behind Ryoga, Ryoga dove behind Mousse and Ranma dove behind Ryoga again.
From over Mousse's shoulder Ryoga looked up and saw Akane looking into the dugout with two paint ball machine guns in her hands.
"I WIN!" She screamed and blew the crap out of all the girls in the dug out.
"Aww spoil sport!" One girl scowled.
"Those paint ball thingies hurt you know!" Another one scolded.
"Okay fine, I guess the RSFC wins tonight." Akari granted grudgingly.
"RSFC nothing! I-Akane Tendo have won! It was me! I won all by myself!" Akane proclaimed.
But then Akane saw Ranma and leveled her gun on him. Thinking quick Ryoga took a gun from Akari and shot Akane in the chest. She fell backwards and groaned, suddenly the war was back on, but not before Akane learned what everyone else already knew so well. "AAIIEEEE! Those paint ball thingies hurt!"
"Ryoga! You saved Ranma's life!" Akari squealed. "I love you so much! You're so brave!"
"He just shot Akane with a paint ball gun!" Ranma scowled. "I'da dodged the shot no problem."
"It's the thought that counts Ranma Saotome." Mousse said, patting Mariko on the back. "Good job Ryoga Hibiki!"
"I'm not Ryoga!" Mariko yelped.
"Oh . . ." Mousse looked closer. "Sorry Mr. Tendo, I did not recognize you."
"Mister who?" Mariko whimpered.
Nabiki crept stealthily through the dark night, she knew she was nearing the battle that Akari's father-or whoever the scandalously older man she lived with was-had told her was raging in the name of RHFC. And it'd only taken her all freaking night to find Akari's farm. Either Ryoga was rubbing off on her *too much* or Cologne's instructions sucked.
There was the sound of gunfire, and the screams of combatants. Really she dreaded what she was about to see. She also didn't see how an orgy could be any part of this, maybe Cologne had just lied to her, she couldn't think of a specific reason why the old wench would do such a thing, but then again she couldn't think of a reason the old wench *wouldn't* do such a thing.
Of course she wouldn't take that chance. Ryoga was not just her slave, he was . . . she didn't really want to give it a name, nor-she felt-could she if she tried. He wasn't a boyfriend, she'd slept with him, she hoped to do so again eventually and she certainly enjoyed his company but "boyfriend" wasn't a word that fit some one like Ryoga. She'd considered "Occasional Provider of Dalliance" but that didn't sound quite right. Still, whatever he was, he was hers and she didn't want to share.
Certainly not with a bunch of fan girls who might *pay* for what Cologne suggested they would end up getting for free tonight. Really Nabiki felt if there really was an RHFC she could do nothing but gain from it. Who said a woman couldn't be a pimp? It'd worked with Ranma after all.
Her mind was filled with thoughts like this, but when she finally reached the battlefield she reconsidered the journey. First of all it was obvious that neither Ryoga nor any of the-it looked like-hundreds of girls down there would be partaking in anything even resembling an orgy, killing frenzy maybe, but nothing involving removal of clothing. Furthermore she was suddenly thinking "practically" for the first time in weeks.
Ryoga was a tool. A way to make money. She'd known this when she first decided to make him her plaything. Yet how much money had he made her? Things had worked out great at first, she'd made money off the bets, scammed him into a deeper debt-a debt that, as she thought about it he'd likely never pay-but he'd also cost her money. The time she'd spent training him for that show she could have spent making her usual rounds, scamming Kuno, getting blackmail information, that sort of thing. But instead it was all but wasted thanks to Ranma, not only did they not win, but Akane found out about Ryoga being P-Chan! At the time tormenting Ranma had seemed like a
good way to get payback, now she mostly blamed herself.
Teaching Ryoga how to skate had not only been a waste of an afternoon, but the poor dolt hadn't even managed to learn. Why was she wasting time with this kid? She sat down and scowled. She'd just walked away from a perfect date, true the idiot wouldn't stop talking about sex, but he'd been a bottomless well of money, he'd been willing to spend anything to impress her. Instead she'd ran off to tare Ryoga away from some hussies.
Why did she care if Ryoga got laid by some one else? Why had the mere thought of Ryoga with another girl boiled her blood and caused her to act against her nature and actually come out to this stupid smelly farm to retrieve her servant?
She'd have to think about this . . . but first she decided she'd have to get her servant back from Akari.
Ryoga was falling asleep, so were most of the girls it seemed. The fighting had increased in intensity for a moment, now it was reclining and people were preparing to leave. Ryoga was trying to decide weather to stoop to the level of asking Ranma to help him find his way back to the Tendo place, or simply not and then going off on an adventure. The question was answered for him when Nabiki walked over and slapped him hard across the face.
"Hey you! What do you think you're doing out here?" She demanded.
"Trying not to get shot?" Ryoga offered.
"We got lost." Ranma interjected.
Nabiki gave Ranma a weird look. "I can understand *him* getting lost," She said, pointing to
Ryoga, "but how the heck did *you* get lost?"
"I followed him." Ranma shrugged.
"That just shows how foolish you are." Nabiki scowled.
"How did you know I was here?" Ryoga asked.
"Cologne told me." Nabiki said. "I'm not going to bother to tell you what she said you'd be doing here since it's obvious she was lying, but let me warn you if she wasn't and I find out you're dead!" She said.
It was about this time that Ryoga noticed everyone was staring at them. He expected his fans to leap at the blasphemer he loved and rip her to shreds, but they did quite the opposite. Instead they bowed and chanted.
"My god, what are they doing?" Nabiki demanded.
"Praising you." Akari scowled.
"Make them stop!" Nabiki whimpered, she lunged forward and threw her arms around Ryoga's waist. That just drove the girls nuts they started acting as if they were looking upon god! "Ryoga your little fans scare me, let's go home already." Nabiki whispered.
A gasp went through the crowd.
"You . . . live with Ryoga?" Akari stammered.
"What? No! He lives with me!" Nabiki said.
"Temporarily." Ryoga noted.
"Quiet, you're better seen, not heard." Nabiki said, patting Ryoga on the shoulder. Suddenly all the girls were going wild. "Okay, tell me what's going on or I'll make Ryoga kick all your butts!" Nabiki announced.
Ryoga was about to mention that he really couldn't fight a girl unless that girl was Ranma Saotome or Azusa Shiratori, but Akari spoke first.
"You're wearing his bandanna around your neck, you're bossing him around, you live together. You are the "chosen one" who was prophesied to come one day and lead us all to glory! You are the wife of our lord Ryoga!"
"Oh god!" Nabiki groaned.
"Exactly." Akari nodded.
"You have prophecies about me?" Nabiki demanded.
"Yes, and scrolls. See?" Akari asked, handing Nabiki a little note pad with fancy writing. "Lets see . . . the fifteen commandments . . . Ryoga Hibiki Fan Club code of honor . . . oh here it is . . . one day a savior will come . . . yada yada . . . hey, this picture looks like you Akari!"
"Well it was just one artists' conception." Akari said. "But *you* Nabiki Tendo, are Ryoga's wife, and thus our leader!"
"I'm going to kill Cologne, she must have known this would happen." Nabiki scowled.
"Wife?" Ryoga yelped.
"You two do act like a married couple." Ranma noted. "What with her practically owning you-"
"Technically, not practically." Nabiki and Ryoga said with one voice.
"Yeah, well with her owning you, the whole bossing you around, not to mention how you'realways together, and then there's the sex-"
"We never-" Ryoga tried, then realized he would be lying but decided to try and say it anyway since he was in the middle of it, but then Akari cut him off.
"They've had sex?" Akari wailed. She looked at Ryoga, tears in her eyes. "Is it true? Is she having your baby?!"
"What! Do I *look* pregnant to you?" Nabiki demanded.
"Ranma you're dead!" Ryoga cried.
"I've heard that one before!" Ranma chuckled.
"This time I mean it!" Ryoga snapped.
"Don't change the subject!" Nabiki growled. "G'on, tell them, we're happily married, I'm having twins and I want to go home!" Nabiki groaned.
Ryoga slumped helplessly as his fans went about swarming Nabiki with several questions.
However the teenage devil just put her hands up and said "Now now, this cant be good for the babies, all this noise and this late night. Ryoga and I are going home now, you'll have to continue this war without us."
"Can I come too?" Ranma asked.
Nabiki glared at him. "You can stay here. Cologne said Akane was around here, make sure she gets home in once piece." She scowled, then dragged Ryoga off from the weeping fan girls and Akari trying to convince them that there was still a chance Ryoga might get a divorce.
Ryoga groaned, it had been another late night. It was starting to get bright. Daylight? Very early morning he guessed. "Another day, another adventure." He groaned.
"Every day is an adventure with you." Nabiki scowled. Then added in a softer tone "I guess that's why I'm in love with you."
"Huh? You're in love with-"
"Did I say that!?" Nabiki cut him off. "I said no such thing!"
"But you did!" Ryoga grinned.
"I'll leave you here! So help me I'll raise the children alone, Ryoga!" Nabiki warned.
"Yeah, about that . . . you're not really-"
"Shut up." Nabiki growled. "Lets just go home and go to sleep. You can sleep as P-Chan. And no, I'm not in love with you so don't get any funny ideas either." She said scowling.
"That's okay, I love you too." Ryoga said. Nabiki blushed, turned around, grabbed his arm and practically dragged him.
"Shut up, I'm sleepy!" She snapped.
"That weird . . . I'm not." Ryoga sighed. "I sure could do with something to eat . . . wanna go out
on another date?"
"Yeah, I'll take P-Chan to visit the slaughter house." Nabiki growled.
"Home and sleep it is." Ryoga nodded.
Meanwhile . . .
Akane Tendo was preparing to go home herself, she just needed to claim Ranma. Unbeknownst to her this was exactly the chance a certain assassin was waiting for. Akane marched across the field alone, unarmed looking for her fiancee.
"Greetings." A young woman said. She resembled Shampoo a little. Her hair was white, she wore a beautiful green outfit similar to the red and pink one usually found on Shampoo. Her . . . "talents" weren't quite so big as Shampoo's, really Akane finally felt she'd found some one with smaller "talents" than her, it was a strangely serene feeling.
"Hiya." Akane said.
"Akane Tendo?" The girl asked. "Do not bother, I know you are." She said quickly.
"Oh-ho. Well who are you?" Akane asked.
"The great Amazonian Warrior Han Lo-Chun." The girl said. "I've been commanded to take your head."
Akane took up a fighting stance. "Well I'm sort of attached to it right now!"
"Don't worry, you won't feel much." Lo-Chun shrugged. "Shall we begin?"
"I'm ready for anything!" Akane scowled. She was expecting a powerful fighter like Shampoo, or a sneaky trickster like Mousse . . . what she got was something quite different.
Akane was filled with exhilaration, not since upperclassman Kuno had she found an opponent that moved so slowly, that seemed to lack fighting style, not since Kuno had she met some one she could easily beat!
Or so she thought. Lo-Chun tripped and fell, Akane lunged for her only to discover a bit too late that she was about to skewer herself on an outstretched knife.
Ranma saw what was happening and moved like lightning, he lunged for the two girls and kicked the knife out of the white haired girl's hands, took Akane in his arms and glided, or rather skidded to a safe distance of about two feet away from their attacker.
"Oh my. Sending a man to do a woman's job are you?" the girl scowled. "Well don't think I wont-"
"Ranma! Akane!" Mousse shouted. "Ryoga's long lost brother says that that's not Shampoo!"
"Oh really, you think?" Akane growled.
"Jeez Mousse, even *I* knew that." Ranma scowled.
White hair lunged forward again, this time with two long knives, one in each hand. Where she'd gotten them from Ranma wasn't quite sure. He caught the blade intended for him, and in a perhaps overprotective move kicked the blade out of her other hand.
"Hey now, there's a general rule around here, we don't play with knives." Ranma scowled.
"Then you obviously don't play to win." The girl sneered, reaching behind her back and materializing another knife. This time Akane grabbed her opponent's arm and twisted it.
"Who sent you?" Akane demanded. "Was it Shampoo?"
"Oh yes." The white haired girl said. "Yes it was, promise me you'll take revenge on her when I am gone."
"You can count on it!" Akane growled.
"I think she's lying." Ranma noted.
"Oh . . . I knew that." Akane nodded.
Then something happened that Ranma didn't understand at all. It happened very quickly, so quickly he wasn't quite sure it happened at all. The white haired girl stomped her foot and *another* blade appeared, she tried to kick up and Ranma in turn lifted his knee to introduce it to her chin. He let her arm go, and she flew backwards. When it was over Akane was glaring at him hatefully.
"What?" He demanded. "I saved yer life!"
"You moron! She was an Amazon!"
"And?"
"Kiss of death stupid!"
"But I'm a guy." Ranma said with a triumphant sneer.
"Then you get another fiancee." Akane scowled.
Ranma frowned and shook his head. "I just can't win!" He cried. "This makes four official and a hundred wannabe brides!"
But to everyone's surprise the girl woke up as Mousse and Mercedes arrived-too late to help, the cowards-and she leapt up and lunged for Mousse. Not to kill him though, she threw her arms around him and cooed.
"EIP!" Mousse yelped. "S-Shampoo?"
"What!" The white haired girl scowled. She shoved Mousse away. "So the man to defeat me thinks I'm my own worst enemy? Cruel fates! They shame me with this loss!"
"Oh-ho . . ." Mousse seemed to be trying to figure out what the heck was going on. Ranma wasn't one to pass up martial arts glory but for once he held his tongue about beating some one-it hurt more than those stupid paint ball things-and let Mousse take all the credit.
Akane on the other hand seemed annoyed beyond belief. She grabbed white hair by the collar of her fancy Chinese outfit and shook her around. "Who sent you to kill me? Tell me! Who?"
The girl, now reminded of her task seemed about ready to grab another knife and take another stab at it. So Ranma promptly separated them.
"Now, now ladies, break it up, break it up!"
"Silly little man!" The while haired girl scowled.
That's when it started to rain. Suddenly Ranma was a silly little woman, and Mousse was a silly little duck running for dear life from Mercedes. That dog had a thing about chasing smaller animals.
White hair looked around. Frowned. "Where did my husband go? Curses! I'll be back for you once I find him!" She threatened. Then she leapt off and seemed to disappear in the building mists of the rainstorm.
"Wow . . . she's really stupid." Ranma said.
"Well I guess it's not every day you get kicked in the face by a boy who turns into a girl, but think you were beaten by a boy who turns into a duck." Akane said. "Really I'm surprised she didn't say anything about *your* condition, Ranma."
"And why should she?" Ranma scowled. "Like I said, she's stupid. What's her name anyway?"
"Hmm? Hand Lotion or something like that."
"Oh great. Another Amazon." Ranma sighed.
"Quack!" Mousse agreed.
"At least this one likes Mousse, not me." Ranma perked up.
"What time is it?" Akane demanded.
"Time for Saturday morning cartoons!" Ranma cried.
"Quack!"
"Let's go home." Akane sighed.
Meanwhile . . . that morning . . .Cologne woke up feeling strange. Strangely refreshed, she felt it was a good omen. She had no idea that this good omen was really just caused by the grim satisfaction that-though she wouldn't remember it for a good five hours-Happi was tied up and bound and gagged in a pile of cheap male porn Cologne had picked up for him.
She assumed the good omen was something else. No doubt Lotion had succeeded in striking down Akane and Ukyo. Or so she thought. But when she went to check on Shampoo she found her grand daughter lying half in and half out of her bed, splotches of paint here and there on her outfit. It took Cologne a moment to realize what the paint would mean.
It wasn't a real war! Those stupid little girls had had a paint ball competition!
Then Han Lo-Chun showed up, similarly covered, but with less paint, she had a bruise on her chin.
"Did you slay Akane Tendo?" Cologne asked, knowing the answer.
"No elder, I'm afraid some one interfered."
"No matter. I didn't really want her dead anyway." Cologne shrugged.
"But elder I-"
"Who interfered with the assassination?" Cologne asked.
"I'm not sure. It was some boy with a pig tail, and some other boy with glasses."
"Ranma and Mousse." Cologne mused. "What were they doing there?"
"Your guess is as good as mine elder, I wasn't paying attention but it had something to do with following a dog. But for whatever reason they decided to attend, I was defeated by one of them."
Cologne frowned. "Which one? The boy with the pigtail?" She asked, not doubting that Ranma would be the one to beat Lotion. The assassin was skilled with knives but only with knives. The rapid strike was her way. Lotion was one to kill her opponent before he or she knew she was there. But in unarmed combat she was a weakling. However what occurred to Cologne was that Lotion might well be competing with Shampoo not only over some childhood rivalry, but over a future husband as well and that simply couldn't be allowed.
"I'm not sure. I decided I must have been defeated by the one with the glasses." She said.
"Why?" Cologne asked, not wanting to look a gift horse in the mouth but curious none the less.
"Because he was more attractive than the pigtailed boy. And because I did not see what he was doing when I was defeated. And because I've always wanted a man with glasses . . . and because-"
"Enough! Enough!" Cologne groaned. "So you'll be marrying Mousse then?"
Lotion scoffed. "I wasn't defeated anywhere near our village. The laws don't apply."
"They what?" Cologne scowled.
"I've decided to return to China. Japan is too hectic for my taste, and if I ever again see this Akane Tendo, or the pigtailed boy I cannot be held responsible for my actions. You apparently no longer wish them dead." Lotion said. "I'm going back home to train."
"Really . . . might I suggest the Training Ground of Accursed Springs?" Cologne asked. "Does wonders, you'll leave a whole new woman."
The young assassin seemed to consider that, then shrugged and disappeared.
Cologne sighed. "Well, at least if I ever get to annoyed with Mousse I can threaten to mail him to China." She chuckled to herself. "Where is he?" She suddenly realized. "I've got pigs that need slaughtering!"
To Be Continued . . .
Next Chapter . . .
He could remember the phone call with Kasumi all too clearly!
"Father! I'm being held at gunpoint! Akane was sold into slavery in a third world country that treats women-young virgin women in particular-life sex slaves! Nabiki married Ranma behind your back and they have five children and are living off welfare and they need you to help them pay their bills or they'll lose their home! And father I tried to be a good girl but I sold my body to the Mafia and now because I wasn't skilled enough in bed I am going to be shot! Curse my virgin purity! Curse it I say! Now there is a war going on outside and the house is burning down and there's an atomic bomb about to go off in five seconds! Luckily the alien who says he's going to cut me up to see what makes me tick also said I could call you to say good bye so . . . good bye father!" Kasumi said it all cheerfully.
Chapter 20
The Feared Assassin Hand Lotion!
The gunfire was deafening, the roar of the bombs was so loud that the officer's orders couldn't be heard by their troops, people were going nuts!
But it was a really boring show, so Genma decided to change the channel. Then Soun barged in ranting about Nabiki being pregnant and Kasumi pimping Akane out on the streets.
"We must go home!" Soun cried.
"Yeah, we've decided on that already. But since we missed yet another plane we're taking a pleasure cruise tomorrow, in a week we should be in Japan."
"A week? That's too long!" Soun cried.
"Hey, this is the fastest cruise we could find." Nodoka said coming out of the hotel shower wearing a hotel bathrobe that she'd stolen from the last hotel they'd been in. She'd actually gone back to the hotel, stolen the robe and come back to their current hotel because she hated the color of the mauve robes but preferred their room service over the other hotels. She'd also stolen a goodly supply of the robes to be sold on the black robe market back in Japan.
Genma had confronted her on this saying, "That's not right, you're stealing!"
She'd shook her head and said "Nonsense! I'm giving back to the community and feeding economically weak Japan off the fat of economically strong America."
"Eh . . . okay . . . but I don't think Japan is economically weak in the least." Genma had conceded.
And Nodoka had replied "That is because you are a true patriot my husband."
"SAOTOME!" Soun shouted. Genma snapped out of his daze. "Stop reminiscing about bath robes and pay attention!"
"I'm sorry Tendo . . ."
"I just called Kasumi and she said that the house burned down, everything has been stolen, she's sold Akane, and Nabiki is having Ryoga's baby!"
"Wow . . . good for her. Ryoga is a very manly-" Nodoka began to try to console Soun but he'd have none of that.
"Manly nothing! When I catch him he'll be a woman!"
"Oh . . . well that wouldn't be manly at all." Nodoka shook her head. "Are you sure everything is as bad as you just said it was?"
"Soun was pacing back and forth sobbing. "My home! My children! Would I make this up?"
"Well no, but you have a tendency to overreact, and let us not forget that if the house had burned down you couldn't have called Kasumi and she couldn't have answered unless she was in the house while it was burning." Nodoka said. It made perfect sense to Genma, Soun had misunderstood, and perhaps they should call Kasumi again.
But Soun . . .
"KASUMI IS ON FIRE! AAAHHHHHH!" He screamed and ran around the room until Nodoka whacked him with the hilt of her katana and laid him out on the ground fast asleep.
"Ahh . . . look at him, so peaceful when he's asleep, like a little drunken mustachioed dog." Genma sighed.
"Umm-hmm . . . should we call Kasumi?" Nodoka asked.
"Why?" Genma sighed. "She's probably burned to death by now."
Nodoka lunged forward hilt first and everything went black.
Meanwhile the pip-pop of the paint ball gunfire wasn't all that deafening, but the girls were really going at it. Ryoga was really quite surprised, they must have practiced this a lot.
Wave after wave of RSFC came on and each time they were sent back by determined RHFC defenders.
Ryoga had eventually grown quite bored with the whole thing. No wonder these girls were in his fan club, they were just like him. They had no sense of direction, except he had none when he tried to go some place, they had no sense of direction when it came to life. What part of staying up all night having a perpetual paint ball war did they think was going to help them later in life? At least they were wearing goggles, some one could lose an eye.
Ryoga felt something hit his shoulder, he shrugged it off but MAN did those paint ball thingies hurt! Was all his training for nothing? Was the mighty Ryoga to be brought down by a paint ball?
Yes. Yes he was.
"Ryoga call off yer nutso fans!" Ranma scowled.
"Hah! Your fan club is the one invading! You call them off!" Ryoga scowled back.
"I will call off my fan club if some one would just point them out to me." Mousse said, his glasses had been covered in paint but he insisted he could still see-not that he was wearing them now-anyway.
"You don't have one!" Ranma scowled.
"Impossible!" Mousse cried. "Why do you two have fan clubs?"
"I'm not entirely sure." Ryoga said. "But it feels so good to know some one cares. Ironically I haven't ever met any of these girls-besides Akari-before in my life."
"That's what's called a stalker." Ranma said. "Ouch!" He got shot by two girls from the RHFC line. "Darn it I want to go home! I'm cold, tired and-"
"Look out!" Some one shouted. "It's Akane Tendo!"
Ranma dove behind Ryoga, Ryoga dove behind Mousse and Ranma dove behind Ryoga again.
From over Mousse's shoulder Ryoga looked up and saw Akane looking into the dugout with two paint ball machine guns in her hands.
"I WIN!" She screamed and blew the crap out of all the girls in the dug out.
"Aww spoil sport!" One girl scowled.
"Those paint ball thingies hurt you know!" Another one scolded.
"Okay fine, I guess the RSFC wins tonight." Akari granted grudgingly.
"RSFC nothing! I-Akane Tendo have won! It was me! I won all by myself!" Akane proclaimed.
But then Akane saw Ranma and leveled her gun on him. Thinking quick Ryoga took a gun from Akari and shot Akane in the chest. She fell backwards and groaned, suddenly the war was back on, but not before Akane learned what everyone else already knew so well. "AAIIEEEE! Those paint ball thingies hurt!"
"Ryoga! You saved Ranma's life!" Akari squealed. "I love you so much! You're so brave!"
"He just shot Akane with a paint ball gun!" Ranma scowled. "I'da dodged the shot no problem."
"It's the thought that counts Ranma Saotome." Mousse said, patting Mariko on the back. "Good job Ryoga Hibiki!"
"I'm not Ryoga!" Mariko yelped.
"Oh . . ." Mousse looked closer. "Sorry Mr. Tendo, I did not recognize you."
"Mister who?" Mariko whimpered.
Nabiki crept stealthily through the dark night, she knew she was nearing the battle that Akari's father-or whoever the scandalously older man she lived with was-had told her was raging in the name of RHFC. And it'd only taken her all freaking night to find Akari's farm. Either Ryoga was rubbing off on her *too much* or Cologne's instructions sucked.
There was the sound of gunfire, and the screams of combatants. Really she dreaded what she was about to see. She also didn't see how an orgy could be any part of this, maybe Cologne had just lied to her, she couldn't think of a specific reason why the old wench would do such a thing, but then again she couldn't think of a reason the old wench *wouldn't* do such a thing.
Of course she wouldn't take that chance. Ryoga was not just her slave, he was . . . she didn't really want to give it a name, nor-she felt-could she if she tried. He wasn't a boyfriend, she'd slept with him, she hoped to do so again eventually and she certainly enjoyed his company but "boyfriend" wasn't a word that fit some one like Ryoga. She'd considered "Occasional Provider of Dalliance" but that didn't sound quite right. Still, whatever he was, he was hers and she didn't want to share.
Certainly not with a bunch of fan girls who might *pay* for what Cologne suggested they would end up getting for free tonight. Really Nabiki felt if there really was an RHFC she could do nothing but gain from it. Who said a woman couldn't be a pimp? It'd worked with Ranma after all.
Her mind was filled with thoughts like this, but when she finally reached the battlefield she reconsidered the journey. First of all it was obvious that neither Ryoga nor any of the-it looked like-hundreds of girls down there would be partaking in anything even resembling an orgy, killing frenzy maybe, but nothing involving removal of clothing. Furthermore she was suddenly thinking "practically" for the first time in weeks.
Ryoga was a tool. A way to make money. She'd known this when she first decided to make him her plaything. Yet how much money had he made her? Things had worked out great at first, she'd made money off the bets, scammed him into a deeper debt-a debt that, as she thought about it he'd likely never pay-but he'd also cost her money. The time she'd spent training him for that show she could have spent making her usual rounds, scamming Kuno, getting blackmail information, that sort of thing. But instead it was all but wasted thanks to Ranma, not only did they not win, but Akane found out about Ryoga being P-Chan! At the time tormenting Ranma had seemed like a
good way to get payback, now she mostly blamed herself.
Teaching Ryoga how to skate had not only been a waste of an afternoon, but the poor dolt hadn't even managed to learn. Why was she wasting time with this kid? She sat down and scowled. She'd just walked away from a perfect date, true the idiot wouldn't stop talking about sex, but he'd been a bottomless well of money, he'd been willing to spend anything to impress her. Instead she'd ran off to tare Ryoga away from some hussies.
Why did she care if Ryoga got laid by some one else? Why had the mere thought of Ryoga with another girl boiled her blood and caused her to act against her nature and actually come out to this stupid smelly farm to retrieve her servant?
She'd have to think about this . . . but first she decided she'd have to get her servant back from Akari.
Ryoga was falling asleep, so were most of the girls it seemed. The fighting had increased in intensity for a moment, now it was reclining and people were preparing to leave. Ryoga was trying to decide weather to stoop to the level of asking Ranma to help him find his way back to the Tendo place, or simply not and then going off on an adventure. The question was answered for him when Nabiki walked over and slapped him hard across the face.
"Hey you! What do you think you're doing out here?" She demanded.
"Trying not to get shot?" Ryoga offered.
"We got lost." Ranma interjected.
Nabiki gave Ranma a weird look. "I can understand *him* getting lost," She said, pointing to
Ryoga, "but how the heck did *you* get lost?"
"I followed him." Ranma shrugged.
"That just shows how foolish you are." Nabiki scowled.
"How did you know I was here?" Ryoga asked.
"Cologne told me." Nabiki said. "I'm not going to bother to tell you what she said you'd be doing here since it's obvious she was lying, but let me warn you if she wasn't and I find out you're dead!" She said.
It was about this time that Ryoga noticed everyone was staring at them. He expected his fans to leap at the blasphemer he loved and rip her to shreds, but they did quite the opposite. Instead they bowed and chanted.
"My god, what are they doing?" Nabiki demanded.
"Praising you." Akari scowled.
"Make them stop!" Nabiki whimpered, she lunged forward and threw her arms around Ryoga's waist. That just drove the girls nuts they started acting as if they were looking upon god! "Ryoga your little fans scare me, let's go home already." Nabiki whispered.
A gasp went through the crowd.
"You . . . live with Ryoga?" Akari stammered.
"What? No! He lives with me!" Nabiki said.
"Temporarily." Ryoga noted.
"Quiet, you're better seen, not heard." Nabiki said, patting Ryoga on the shoulder. Suddenly all the girls were going wild. "Okay, tell me what's going on or I'll make Ryoga kick all your butts!" Nabiki announced.
Ryoga was about to mention that he really couldn't fight a girl unless that girl was Ranma Saotome or Azusa Shiratori, but Akari spoke first.
"You're wearing his bandanna around your neck, you're bossing him around, you live together. You are the "chosen one" who was prophesied to come one day and lead us all to glory! You are the wife of our lord Ryoga!"
"Oh god!" Nabiki groaned.
"Exactly." Akari nodded.
"You have prophecies about me?" Nabiki demanded.
"Yes, and scrolls. See?" Akari asked, handing Nabiki a little note pad with fancy writing. "Lets see . . . the fifteen commandments . . . Ryoga Hibiki Fan Club code of honor . . . oh here it is . . . one day a savior will come . . . yada yada . . . hey, this picture looks like you Akari!"
"Well it was just one artists' conception." Akari said. "But *you* Nabiki Tendo, are Ryoga's wife, and thus our leader!"
"I'm going to kill Cologne, she must have known this would happen." Nabiki scowled.
"Wife?" Ryoga yelped.
"You two do act like a married couple." Ranma noted. "What with her practically owning you-"
"Technically, not practically." Nabiki and Ryoga said with one voice.
"Yeah, well with her owning you, the whole bossing you around, not to mention how you'realways together, and then there's the sex-"
"We never-" Ryoga tried, then realized he would be lying but decided to try and say it anyway since he was in the middle of it, but then Akari cut him off.
"They've had sex?" Akari wailed. She looked at Ryoga, tears in her eyes. "Is it true? Is she having your baby?!"
"What! Do I *look* pregnant to you?" Nabiki demanded.
"Ranma you're dead!" Ryoga cried.
"I've heard that one before!" Ranma chuckled.
"This time I mean it!" Ryoga snapped.
"Don't change the subject!" Nabiki growled. "G'on, tell them, we're happily married, I'm having twins and I want to go home!" Nabiki groaned.
Ryoga slumped helplessly as his fans went about swarming Nabiki with several questions.
However the teenage devil just put her hands up and said "Now now, this cant be good for the babies, all this noise and this late night. Ryoga and I are going home now, you'll have to continue this war without us."
"Can I come too?" Ranma asked.
Nabiki glared at him. "You can stay here. Cologne said Akane was around here, make sure she gets home in once piece." She scowled, then dragged Ryoga off from the weeping fan girls and Akari trying to convince them that there was still a chance Ryoga might get a divorce.
Ryoga groaned, it had been another late night. It was starting to get bright. Daylight? Very early morning he guessed. "Another day, another adventure." He groaned.
"Every day is an adventure with you." Nabiki scowled. Then added in a softer tone "I guess that's why I'm in love with you."
"Huh? You're in love with-"
"Did I say that!?" Nabiki cut him off. "I said no such thing!"
"But you did!" Ryoga grinned.
"I'll leave you here! So help me I'll raise the children alone, Ryoga!" Nabiki warned.
"Yeah, about that . . . you're not really-"
"Shut up." Nabiki growled. "Lets just go home and go to sleep. You can sleep as P-Chan. And no, I'm not in love with you so don't get any funny ideas either." She said scowling.
"That's okay, I love you too." Ryoga said. Nabiki blushed, turned around, grabbed his arm and practically dragged him.
"Shut up, I'm sleepy!" She snapped.
"That weird . . . I'm not." Ryoga sighed. "I sure could do with something to eat . . . wanna go out
on another date?"
"Yeah, I'll take P-Chan to visit the slaughter house." Nabiki growled.
"Home and sleep it is." Ryoga nodded.
Meanwhile . . .
Akane Tendo was preparing to go home herself, she just needed to claim Ranma. Unbeknownst to her this was exactly the chance a certain assassin was waiting for. Akane marched across the field alone, unarmed looking for her fiancee.
"Greetings." A young woman said. She resembled Shampoo a little. Her hair was white, she wore a beautiful green outfit similar to the red and pink one usually found on Shampoo. Her . . . "talents" weren't quite so big as Shampoo's, really Akane finally felt she'd found some one with smaller "talents" than her, it was a strangely serene feeling.
"Hiya." Akane said.
"Akane Tendo?" The girl asked. "Do not bother, I know you are." She said quickly.
"Oh-ho. Well who are you?" Akane asked.
"The great Amazonian Warrior Han Lo-Chun." The girl said. "I've been commanded to take your head."
Akane took up a fighting stance. "Well I'm sort of attached to it right now!"
"Don't worry, you won't feel much." Lo-Chun shrugged. "Shall we begin?"
"I'm ready for anything!" Akane scowled. She was expecting a powerful fighter like Shampoo, or a sneaky trickster like Mousse . . . what she got was something quite different.
Akane was filled with exhilaration, not since upperclassman Kuno had she found an opponent that moved so slowly, that seemed to lack fighting style, not since Kuno had she met some one she could easily beat!
Or so she thought. Lo-Chun tripped and fell, Akane lunged for her only to discover a bit too late that she was about to skewer herself on an outstretched knife.
Ranma saw what was happening and moved like lightning, he lunged for the two girls and kicked the knife out of the white haired girl's hands, took Akane in his arms and glided, or rather skidded to a safe distance of about two feet away from their attacker.
"Oh my. Sending a man to do a woman's job are you?" the girl scowled. "Well don't think I wont-"
"Ranma! Akane!" Mousse shouted. "Ryoga's long lost brother says that that's not Shampoo!"
"Oh really, you think?" Akane growled.
"Jeez Mousse, even *I* knew that." Ranma scowled.
White hair lunged forward again, this time with two long knives, one in each hand. Where she'd gotten them from Ranma wasn't quite sure. He caught the blade intended for him, and in a perhaps overprotective move kicked the blade out of her other hand.
"Hey now, there's a general rule around here, we don't play with knives." Ranma scowled.
"Then you obviously don't play to win." The girl sneered, reaching behind her back and materializing another knife. This time Akane grabbed her opponent's arm and twisted it.
"Who sent you?" Akane demanded. "Was it Shampoo?"
"Oh yes." The white haired girl said. "Yes it was, promise me you'll take revenge on her when I am gone."
"You can count on it!" Akane growled.
"I think she's lying." Ranma noted.
"Oh . . . I knew that." Akane nodded.
Then something happened that Ranma didn't understand at all. It happened very quickly, so quickly he wasn't quite sure it happened at all. The white haired girl stomped her foot and *another* blade appeared, she tried to kick up and Ranma in turn lifted his knee to introduce it to her chin. He let her arm go, and she flew backwards. When it was over Akane was glaring at him hatefully.
"What?" He demanded. "I saved yer life!"
"You moron! She was an Amazon!"
"And?"
"Kiss of death stupid!"
"But I'm a guy." Ranma said with a triumphant sneer.
"Then you get another fiancee." Akane scowled.
Ranma frowned and shook his head. "I just can't win!" He cried. "This makes four official and a hundred wannabe brides!"
But to everyone's surprise the girl woke up as Mousse and Mercedes arrived-too late to help, the cowards-and she leapt up and lunged for Mousse. Not to kill him though, she threw her arms around him and cooed.
"EIP!" Mousse yelped. "S-Shampoo?"
"What!" The white haired girl scowled. She shoved Mousse away. "So the man to defeat me thinks I'm my own worst enemy? Cruel fates! They shame me with this loss!"
"Oh-ho . . ." Mousse seemed to be trying to figure out what the heck was going on. Ranma wasn't one to pass up martial arts glory but for once he held his tongue about beating some one-it hurt more than those stupid paint ball things-and let Mousse take all the credit.
Akane on the other hand seemed annoyed beyond belief. She grabbed white hair by the collar of her fancy Chinese outfit and shook her around. "Who sent you to kill me? Tell me! Who?"
The girl, now reminded of her task seemed about ready to grab another knife and take another stab at it. So Ranma promptly separated them.
"Now, now ladies, break it up, break it up!"
"Silly little man!" The while haired girl scowled.
That's when it started to rain. Suddenly Ranma was a silly little woman, and Mousse was a silly little duck running for dear life from Mercedes. That dog had a thing about chasing smaller animals.
White hair looked around. Frowned. "Where did my husband go? Curses! I'll be back for you once I find him!" She threatened. Then she leapt off and seemed to disappear in the building mists of the rainstorm.
"Wow . . . she's really stupid." Ranma said.
"Well I guess it's not every day you get kicked in the face by a boy who turns into a girl, but think you were beaten by a boy who turns into a duck." Akane said. "Really I'm surprised she didn't say anything about *your* condition, Ranma."
"And why should she?" Ranma scowled. "Like I said, she's stupid. What's her name anyway?"
"Hmm? Hand Lotion or something like that."
"Oh great. Another Amazon." Ranma sighed.
"Quack!" Mousse agreed.
"At least this one likes Mousse, not me." Ranma perked up.
"What time is it?" Akane demanded.
"Time for Saturday morning cartoons!" Ranma cried.
"Quack!"
"Let's go home." Akane sighed.
Meanwhile . . . that morning . . .Cologne woke up feeling strange. Strangely refreshed, she felt it was a good omen. She had no idea that this good omen was really just caused by the grim satisfaction that-though she wouldn't remember it for a good five hours-Happi was tied up and bound and gagged in a pile of cheap male porn Cologne had picked up for him.
She assumed the good omen was something else. No doubt Lotion had succeeded in striking down Akane and Ukyo. Or so she thought. But when she went to check on Shampoo she found her grand daughter lying half in and half out of her bed, splotches of paint here and there on her outfit. It took Cologne a moment to realize what the paint would mean.
It wasn't a real war! Those stupid little girls had had a paint ball competition!
Then Han Lo-Chun showed up, similarly covered, but with less paint, she had a bruise on her chin.
"Did you slay Akane Tendo?" Cologne asked, knowing the answer.
"No elder, I'm afraid some one interfered."
"No matter. I didn't really want her dead anyway." Cologne shrugged.
"But elder I-"
"Who interfered with the assassination?" Cologne asked.
"I'm not sure. It was some boy with a pig tail, and some other boy with glasses."
"Ranma and Mousse." Cologne mused. "What were they doing there?"
"Your guess is as good as mine elder, I wasn't paying attention but it had something to do with following a dog. But for whatever reason they decided to attend, I was defeated by one of them."
Cologne frowned. "Which one? The boy with the pigtail?" She asked, not doubting that Ranma would be the one to beat Lotion. The assassin was skilled with knives but only with knives. The rapid strike was her way. Lotion was one to kill her opponent before he or she knew she was there. But in unarmed combat she was a weakling. However what occurred to Cologne was that Lotion might well be competing with Shampoo not only over some childhood rivalry, but over a future husband as well and that simply couldn't be allowed.
"I'm not sure. I decided I must have been defeated by the one with the glasses." She said.
"Why?" Cologne asked, not wanting to look a gift horse in the mouth but curious none the less.
"Because he was more attractive than the pigtailed boy. And because I did not see what he was doing when I was defeated. And because I've always wanted a man with glasses . . . and because-"
"Enough! Enough!" Cologne groaned. "So you'll be marrying Mousse then?"
Lotion scoffed. "I wasn't defeated anywhere near our village. The laws don't apply."
"They what?" Cologne scowled.
"I've decided to return to China. Japan is too hectic for my taste, and if I ever again see this Akane Tendo, or the pigtailed boy I cannot be held responsible for my actions. You apparently no longer wish them dead." Lotion said. "I'm going back home to train."
"Really . . . might I suggest the Training Ground of Accursed Springs?" Cologne asked. "Does wonders, you'll leave a whole new woman."
The young assassin seemed to consider that, then shrugged and disappeared.
Cologne sighed. "Well, at least if I ever get to annoyed with Mousse I can threaten to mail him to China." She chuckled to herself. "Where is he?" She suddenly realized. "I've got pigs that need slaughtering!"
To Be Continued . . .
Next Chapter . . .
He could remember the phone call with Kasumi all too clearly!
"Father! I'm being held at gunpoint! Akane was sold into slavery in a third world country that treats women-young virgin women in particular-life sex slaves! Nabiki married Ranma behind your back and they have five children and are living off welfare and they need you to help them pay their bills or they'll lose their home! And father I tried to be a good girl but I sold my body to the Mafia and now because I wasn't skilled enough in bed I am going to be shot! Curse my virgin purity! Curse it I say! Now there is a war going on outside and the house is burning down and there's an atomic bomb about to go off in five seconds! Luckily the alien who says he's going to cut me up to see what makes me tick also said I could call you to say good bye so . . . good bye father!" Kasumi said it all cheerfully.