Disclaimer: I don't own the village people, or that movie with the talking plant the name of which I honestly cannot remember. I don't own the village people, and actually do not think their music is gay, it's never bothered me.
Charlotte's Web
Chapter 21
I shall win him back or I'll eat Katsunishiki!
Everyone in the Tendo residence was fast asleep. Kasumi Tendo noted that Ryoga was sleeping in his piglet form on Nabiki's pillow. She was relieved for this, it meant that Ryoga and Nabiki hadn't gotten to doing anything "naughty" last night.
Or maybe they had. They were sleeping in as if they'd been up all night. Kasumi had once been with Nabiki and Akane on an excursion to Azusa's place to take back a kidnaped Ranma and Ryoga and it'd turned into an all nighter, but of course the eldest Tendo, trying hard to be a good "parent" while the real ones were away had to be suspicious.
Sleeping in wasn't uncommon for Nabiki, but it was for Akane and Ranma, and strangely enough, Ranma and Akane were sleeping in too. This both reassured and worried Kasumi. If whatever Nabiki and Ryoga had been doing, Ranma and Akane had been apart of then it certainly hadn't been immoral. Illegal perhaps but not immoral. Ranma and Akane simple couldn't do anything . . . bad together, they couldn't get through a kiss without fighting.
But that everyone was sleeping in did worry the elder Tendo about the health of her family.
She dialed some numbers on the telephone and got Dr. Tofu's answering machine. "Dr. Tofu? Hello. This is Kasumi. Everyone is sleeping in I think they may be ill, I would feel so much better if you could come check on them when you get this message and have the time. I'll bake you cookies if you do!" She added. Then thought 'bake him cookies? That doesn't sound quite right . . .' "Er, forget the cookies . . . well . . . I mean I'll be baking cookies anyway, I am not trying to lure you here with cookies but if you come by I'll give them to you." Kasumi amended.
She hung up the phone then went about the task of baking cookies, hoping that the rich chocolate aroma would awaken the other residents of the house. Of course she suddenly remembered something she was supposed to be doing . . . she ran out leaving cookie dough on the counter, she didn't have time to throw them into the oven and wouldn't have had time to take them out afterwards. Oh well, she'd be quick.
"So . . . you still want to move to Hawaii?" Genma asked his incredibly sexy wife.
"Yes." Nodoka nodded. "There were so many hot young men at the beach that I've yet to sleep with. All I got to do was have an affair with Soun." She pouted.
"Excuse me?" Genma frowned. Had he heard her right?
"I said nothing, dear husband." Nodoka said with a warm smile.
"For a moment I thought you said you'd slept with Soun!" Genma cried. Soun screamed from some far off corner of the ship. He shouldn't have been close enough to hear what they were saying, it must have been instinct.
"Well yes, I did. You see we had to share a hotel room so as he slept on the couch I slept on the bed and so in a sense we slept together." Nodoka said with a shrug.
"Oh. Oh of course. As if you'd ever leave me for Soun." Genma chuckled. "He's my exact opposite. Tall, skinny, full head of hair, and emotional."
"It's only the final respect where you dominate Soun Tendo." Nodoka grumbled. "And my insane loyalty to you that keeps our family together."
"What was that?" Genma frowned.
"I said that for all those reasons you dominate Soun Tendo, and I'd have to be insane not to love you, you keep our family . . . are you actually buying this?" Nodoka asked with a raised eyebrow.
"Yes." Genma nodded.
"In that case . . . he's much better endowed than you, it's not a wonder he had three children as you could only father one unmanly whelp." Nodoka sighed.
"Huh?" Genma frowned.
"I said he's much better endowed than you, and it's . . . no . . . wait . . . I said you're much better endowed than him and it's a wonder he had three children while we had only one especially since you're so much more fun to sleep with than him."
"He's fun to sleep with?" Genma frowned.
"I wouldn't know." Nodoka shrugged. "But it sure was great to get all that off my chest."
"Well the ship sure is great." Genma noted. "Feel that ocean breeze in your face my darling? I feel like the king of the world!"
"Husband . . . we are in our cabin . . . and the ship has yet to depart. The ocean breeze you speak of is a fan, and I'd appreciate it if you would turn it off, I'm freezing."
"Hmm . . . yes . . . okay I see." Genma nodded, not at all embarrassed. But then again, why should he be? He was hanging out in his cabin with a wife that was just . . . incredible for her age.
And his best friend Mr. Stuck Up "I've got three daughters and each one could be a super model if she wanted" was all by himself! Hah! Oh, and Soun was alone too, what a coincidence that he and Mr. Stuck Up had so much in common . . . now Genma had gone and confused himself.
Hey . . . where did Nodoka go?
Meanwhile . . . Soun was trying in vain to get over his seasickness. He didn't usually get sea sick, he was sure this was some sort of divine punishment for him leaving his precious little girls to burn to death after that atomic bomb blast so he could go to Hawaii and start sleeping with his friends wife.
He could remember the phone call with Kasumi all too clearly!
"Father! I'm being held at gunpoint! Akane was sold into slavery in a third world country that treats women-young virgin women in particular-life sex slaves! Nabiki married Ranma behind your back and they have five children and are living off welfare and they need you to help them pay their bills or they'll lose their home! And father I tried to be a good girl but I sold my body to the Mafia and now because I wasn't skilled enough in bed I am going to be shot! Curse my virgin purity! Curse it I say! Now there is a war going on outside and the house is burning down and there's an atomic bomb about to go off in five seconds! Luckily the alien who says he's going to cut me up to see what makes me tick also said I could call you to say good bye so . . . good bye father!" Kasumi said it all cheerfully.
"Kasumi!" Soun wept through his sickness. "I will find Akane and buy her back, I will break Ranma's legs and I will find that alien and set you free!" He cried, shaking his fist at thin air as he made his proclamation. "With god as my witness, I swear I will return home, my child!"
He didn't notice Nodoka shake her head and sigh and walk off muttering something about having sex with him later.
"Wow . . . dat's one strange proclamation you just make." The school principal said. "You no like my islands?"
"What? No! They only cause me grief and worry! And now my children are ruined, one is a slave in Czechoslovakia, the other is married to her little sister's fiancée and has fifty children, and the third is probably being raped by some alien and his anal probe!"
The school principal looked at Soun for a moment. He wore thick sunglasses but Soun could tell there was confusion and pity in the man's eyes. "You . . . you crazy." The man said at last.
Soun scowled. "I'm coming home girls! I'm coming home!" He ran around in circles. "Cant this ship move any faster!?" He cried.
"Sure. There is a room on this ship where lots of tall, stacked, sweaty men throw coal into big furnaces. The rate at which they throw the coal in will decide how fast the ship moves." A little boy said. "When the any sort of homosexual song plays the sweaty men dance and the ship goes faster."
"Darn it, you've been watching those stupid cartoons again haven't you?" The boy's father scowled. But Soun was now on a mission. He knew what had to be done . . .
He turned to principal Kuno. "Where can I find a huge boom box and any album recorded by the Village People?"
"What you need these things for?" The principal asked.
"To save my children!" Soun cried.
"Oh . . . huh?"
"You're useless! I'm leaving!" Soun cried.
"Wait!" The principal said. "I help you . . . on one condition . . . I cut your hair."
"What is this . . . some sort of fetish of yours or something?"
"That's the deal, take it or leave it."
"How much of my hair will you cut?" Soun asked.
"You may never grow it all back." The principal admitted.
"Why are you on this ship in the first place?"
"I take long trip to Hawaii." The man shrugged. "Come back on this boat."
"I think Akane mentioned something about you coming back from you're trip a while ago . . ." Soun said skeptically.
"I can go on more dan one trip to da islands!"
"And if I let you cut my hair you'll give me what I need to save my children?"
The man shook his head, then realized he was doing it wrong and nodded instead.
"Deal!" Soun cried.
Nodoka meanwhile had been thinking about what Soun had told her-or rather told no one in particular-and decided the best thing to do was call the Tendo residence and talk to Kasumi. So she found a man who looked relatively rich and asked if she could borrow his cell phone.
"Is it a local call?" The man asked.
Nodoka stared at the idiot for a moment. 'Local? Local as in Hawaii, Japan or those stupid islands we're going to pass on the way?' She thought, then nodded. "Yes. Yes it is."
"Very well then, but I expect payment . . . physical payment." The man said with a wink.
'Oh . . . my . . . god. Is it my kimono? My hair? Do I have a sign with 'slut' written on my back or something?' She checked, and found that she did not. 'Or maybe it's bad karma from sleeping with my husband's best friend . . . and making plans to do so again soon . . . hmm . . .' So she smiled politely and said, "Yes, as you desire I shall pay you physically." Nodoka said, putting her hand on the hilt of her Katana.
"Er . . . on second thought, my treat, talk away miss." The businessman said. "The name is *Mrs.* Saotome." Nodoka corrected and dialed the Tendo number into the phone.
It rang slowly . . . too slowly.
Akari walked into the Cat Café and nearly fainted when she saw the fate of her poor piggies! They were all dressed up in Mexican outfits and dancing around terribly!
"What have you done to them?" Akari screamed at Cologne.
"Hmm? Oh yes. Well Mousse is asleep and try as I might not even I can wake him so he couldn't slaughter them and it's simply to gruesome a job for me to do."
"What about Shampoo?" Akari frowned, then realized she might have just helped the old crone destroy her pet piggies!
"Shampoo is sleeping, but again, try as I might not even I can wake her, she too cannot slaughter the pigs."
"So you make them dance?"
"If you can call it that." Cologne shrugged. "They are the stars of Mexican day. All day we're serving Mexican flavored ramen."
"Mexican flavored?" Akari frowned. "You mean tacos?"
"Don't be so ignorant, Mexicans eat other things besides tacos! There are some Mexicans who've never even eaten a taco in their lives!"
"I'm sorry, I didn't mean to insult another culture." Akari whimpered.
"This ramen is burrito flavored." Cologne said. Akari fell over.
"You're insane!" She cried.
"That's what they said when I said I could pose for the swim suit calendar back when I was ninety nine! But who's insane now! BWAHAHAHAHAHA! Anyway it's very possible. You simply take a tortilla, put some refried beans all along it, put it into the bowl then fill that bowl with "plain" flavored ramen. It is actually quite good . . . if only I could find a way to keep the tortillas from getting soggy . . . alas . . . dreams." Cologne shrugged.
"Tortillas don't get soggy!" Akari cried.
"It's great!" The host from WPDDC added from some unseen corner.
"You're insane! I want my piggies back!" Akari squealed.
"But the deal is sealed." Cologne said. "Much like your mouth . . . only opposite."
"You're stupid ringer didn't even beat Akane! We still lost!"
"This means what to me?" Cologne asked. "I didn't say she'd *definitely* win."
"As a member of RHFC you should be devastated at our loss." Akari said.
"I'm not. Anyway I've joined the RSFC." Cologne said simply.
"What! WHY YOU-"
"And from what I hear you're not even head of RHFC anymore, your people have found some sort of god thing that you believe will now rule over you?"
"Oh yes. The scarf wearing wife of Ryoga Hibiki, our goddess." Akari nodded.
Cologne blinked. "You know . . . you need help. Really. Now you think Nabiki Tendo is a goddess?" Cologne shook her head.
"Of course. She married Ryoga." Akari shrugged.
"She did not, she's just mysteriously overprotective of him . . . like an older sister . . . who flirts with her brother as enthusiastically as a whore." Cologne said with a finger on her chin in thought.
"Nonsense! With our scarf wearing goddess by our side now we shall never be defeated again!"
"Hmm? Oh you want to talk about your silly fan club again." Cologne shook her head. "So Nabiki is your goddess and even though you lost to the fan club of Future-son-in-law you are all still very enthusiastic about your silly little satanic worship. Oh-ho . . . then everything is as I planned. Nabiki went there and now she's your new leader."
"That wasn't your plan!" A very handsome boy said. "Your plan was to kill her before I could have sex with her!"
"Silence, Mikado!" Cologne cried, she whacked him on the head with her stick.
Akari scowled. "Just you wait! If Nabiki isn't Ryoga's wife then that means I still can be!"
"I suppose. Can you out flirt Nabiki?"
"Surely!" Akari scowled. "I can simply shove my breasts in his face and with that accomplish more than that silly *whore* ever could!"
"You'd need breasts for that." Cologne observed. "Nabiki on the other hand? Well she's much bustier than you. And has better curves." Cologne said.
"Not to mention she doesn't reek of pig manure." Phil added.
"Indeed, how could anyone forget that?" Cologne shrugged.
"And who is to say she doesn't shove her breasts into his face?" Phil shrugged. "Really that's a very common way to get a man, women do it all the time in America . . . didn't do it too often in Canada, most of them were flat, but you couldnt tell because of their thick winter jackets, before you know it you've got six flat former wives . . . crap I need to learn when to end the sentence."
"Uh . . . right." Cologne nodded, picking up the slack. "For all you know Akari, you're darling Ryoga and the 'whore' Nabiki have spent the night together."
"Ryoga has spent the night with me before!"
"I meant in the same bed . . . in dramatic and loving embrace. Not in the barn, on a bail of hay while you sleep comfortably in your bed." Cologne amended with an evil sneer.
"He's done that with her!? No! You lie! You lie! He'd never! She must have forced him!"
"Or seduced him. She's the one with the little dancing pig right? Bouncing baby Buddha on a pogo stick, she was fuggin hot. Heck if she were offering I'd take her over you in a second." Phil shrugged.
"I don't care! I'll get my Ryoga back!" Akari wailed frantically.
"To get something back, would suggest you had at one point possessed it." Cologne teased.
"I'll get him back or I'll eat Katsunishiki!" Akari wailed, jumping up and down and waving her arms around making everyone stare at her.
The eyes of the giant pig (which Akari had rode in on) suddenly became enormous and his pupils became very small. Then where a giant pig had once stood was only a giant cloud of dust.
Akari scowled and stormed out, thoroughly pissed.
Unfortunately she forgot about the pigs. Fortunately for the pigs Cologne had grown attached to them as their presence reeled in many customers. Soon the living mummy had set up a nice place for them to live . . . in Mousse's room. The stench of so many Mexican dancing pigs and their . . . "presents" woke poor young Mousse and unfortunately for Mousse and the largest pig the nearly blind young man thought Shampoo had invaded his room for reasons unholy and he lunged forward and kissed the enormous pig.
Both pig and boy gazed into each other's eyes lovingly . . . then suddenly there was light of recognition in the eyes of both. "AAAHHHH!" Mousse cried.
"ERNK!" The pig screamed.
The other pigs just laughed and Mousse tried to find his way out of his room. As if it wasn't hard enough without the pig pies on the floor everywhere.
Meanwhile Tofu sighed as he was again discharged.
"Forget the bill!" The doctor said. "Just don't fuggin come back!"
"But my life is here!" Tofu cried. "And you still have my chainsaw!"
The doctor scowled and gave Tofu the chainsaw, the leather jacket and the valet came around with the motor cycle.
"Wow!" Tofu grinned. "I'm back! Tofu rides again! Outta the way B-Yotch, I'm gonna go eat me some road!"
The valet sighed then gave Tofu a thumbs up . . . just not with his thumb . . . or index, pinky or ring for that matter.
And the terror in a doctor's outfit was unleashed on mankind again. Anyone ever see that one movie with the talking plant and the evil dentist who sang that cool song about killing puppies and rode a motor cycle?
Yeah . . . that has nothing to do with any of this, I just tried to imagine Tofu riding a motorcycle decked out with a chainsaw and his leather jacket . . . that popped into my head.
So . . . anyway . . .
Tofu got home some time that afternoon, he checked his messages . . . wait . . . that's strange, he didn't have an answering machine!
"Tofu? You fudged up my back and now I can't lift a piece of paper! I need you to fix it or I sue!" Some guy said. Tofu scowled.
"Dr. Tofu? Hello. This is Kasumi. Everyone is sleeping in I think they may be ill, I would feel so much better if you could come check on them when you get this message and have the time. I'll bake you cookies if you do!" She paused. "Er, forget the cookies . . . well . . . I mean I'll be baking cookies anyway, I am not trying to lure you here with cookies but if you come by I'll give them to you."
But what Tofu heard was . . .
"Oh Tofu! Hello (giggles) this is your girl Kasumi! Everyone is sleeping right now, I hope they're ill so they wont bother us for a long time. I'm all alone, I'd feel so much better if you could come by and check me out, I'm just a hot horny honey in need of sexual release and you're the best man for the job! I'd feel so much better if you'd drill me when you get this message and have the time between the other girls, you must be in high demand. I'll bake cookies! I want to lure you here so you can eat my cookies and everything else I've got!"
"Tehehe. We're back in business!" The chainsaw chuckled.
"Yes indeed . . . well I cannot refuse a request from Kasumi. Let's ride Betty!" Tofu said to the skeleton.
"You player! You leave me alone for how long only to come back and go after Kasumi's tail? Just leave me here! You always do lately!" The skeleton scowled at him. "Leave me to die!"
"Don't be that way, I've got love for the both of you." Tofu assured the skeleton that was-to him-very much alive. And soon he was riding down the street on his motorcycle with a chainsaw in one hand and a skeleton hanging onto him as if for dear life though really that's impossible.
Ironically the doctor who had discharged Tofu watched him go by and sighed. "God . . . what have I done?"
"You've unleashed great terror on the world." The skeleton cried as Tofu drove by. The doctor blinked then went back to the institute to have himself committed.
Meanwhile . . .
RING! RING!
Akane Tendo woke up and tromped over to the phone.
RING! RING!
She picked it up and screamed "WHAT THE HECK DO YOU WANT?!" into the phone.
"Akane?" Auntie Nodoka asked.
"Oh auntie!" Akane said, her anger gone. "What is it?"
"Well I called to see how things were."
"Wonderful!" Akane said.
"You're not being pimped off on the streets are you?" Nodoka asked. Akane laughed but auntie Nodoka sounded quite serious.
"Eh . . . no. No I'm not."
"And the house hasn't been burned down?"
"No . . . it got looted after a huge hole was blown in the wall and in an uncharacteristic lack of foresight Nabiki told Mousse to guard it."
"So you really did have the blind kid guarding the house . . ." Nodoka sighed. "Well what about Kasumi? She's not selling her body to the Mafia is she?"
"I don't . . . think so." Akane frowned. "Auntie, what is all this about?"
"Your father recently called home and had a strange conversation with Kasumi, now he thinks you've been sold into slavery, that Kasumi is a whore and that the house was destroyed in an atomic blast. He also believes that Kasumi has been abducted by aliens and that there is a war going on back in Japan."
"Oh there is!" Akane cried. "Just last night! It was incredible! I almost got to shoot Ranma!"
"You what?" Nodoka gasped.
"It was a paint ball war." Akane noted.
"Oh!" Nodoka sounded relieved. "Well everyone is okay then, right?"
"Right."
"Akane, how would you feel about moving to Hawaii where you could be the daughter of a millionaire?" Nodoka asked.
"I'd like that very much." Akane shrugged.
"Good. Try and see how the other girls feel, and try to convince them that moving to Hawaii is a good idea, you've got about two weeks to do this, then your father, uncle Saotome and I should be home."
"Why so long?" Akane asked.
"We're taking a cruise ship back."
"Oh-ho . . ."
"Oh! I almost forgot!" Nodoka said with a chuckle. "Nabiki. How is she doing?"
"Doing well, I suppose . . . to be truthful, I don't really know lately." Akane shrugged, but Nodoka wouldn't see it.
"That's good." Nodoka laughed. "Your father was having a fit! He thought she was dating Ryoga!"
"She *is*!" Akane cried triumphantly. Reminded of how she'd been the first to know that her sister and Ryoga had romantic feelings towards one another. "And *I* was the first one to know!" she told Nodoka.
"Wow . . . they aren't . . . you know . . . are they?" Nodoka sounded shocked.
"Sleeping together? Yeah sure." Akane shrugged. "Again, who was the first one to know? Yours truly!" Akane said, feeling incredibly satisfied with herself.
"Oh my . . . it seems your father thinks she is pregnant . . ." Nodoka frowned. "Is Nabiki pregnant Akane?"
Akane almost dropped the phone. "Nabiki is pregnant!?" She gasped. "Wow! This is such odd and unfortunate yet incredible and wonderful news! I just have to tell everyone in town!"
"No! Don't!" Nodoka cried. "I was asking you, not telling you!"
But Akane didn't hear her. "My big sister is having a baby! I have to tell everyone!" She cried, hanging up the phone on Nodoka. "Who do I tell first?" Akane wondered. Of course . . . there was only one person she could tell first.
She snuck quietly to Nabiki's room . . .
"Good morning P-Chan!" Akane giggled wickedly. Ryoga woke up and sighed. Akane was carrying him around, she seemed pretty thrilled about something. "I can't wait to talk to you face to face! You thought you could be tricky and not tell me, but I've found out you're secret!"
'I have a secret?' Ryoga wondered. 'Hmm . . . I'm your pet pig . . . I'm in love with your sister . . . used to be in love with you . . . nope, nothing you don't already know Akane, sorry.' He thought to himself. Then scowled because she couldn't hear him. He needed to stop talking to himself!
Akane brought him into the washroom and threw him into a readily filled tub of hot water, he leapt out, then leapt back in. "Akane!" He cried. "You're not supposed to see me like this!" Akane threw him a pair of pants, he turned her head to the side then threw them on, got out of the bath then turned her head back. "What is this all about?" He demanded.
Akane grinned. "So . . . thought you could get away without me finding out did you?"
"Akane, you seem to know more about this than me. What the heck are you talking about?"
"The baby!" Akane giggled.
"What?" Ryoga frowned.
"You didn't know?" Akane gasped. "Ryoga! Nabiki is pregnant!"
Ryoga fell back into the tub, Akane had to pull him out to keep him from drowning.
"Ryoga!" She snapped, slapping him until he came around.
"This just cant be!" He groaned. "How can you even know this?"
"Auntie Nodoka told me, and father told her, and Kasumi told father and Nabiki must have told Kasumi!"
Ryoga groaned. "Great! So Kasumi, your dad, Ranma's mother and you all know before me? Great!" he scoffed. Akane gasped. Ryoga eyed her. "What?" He asked.
"Well . . . if she didn't want to tell you . . . maybe it's not your-"
"Don't you finish that sentence." Ryoga scowled, surprised at how angry that thought made him.
"Oh . . . sorry." Akane frowned. "We should tell Ranma about this! He owes me money now!" Akane said happily.
"No! No Ranma! We're not telling anyone about this! Don't tell Nabiki you know either, especially don't tell her that *I* know." Ryoga said. "I need to figure out what to do . . . I think."
"Ryoga . . ." Akane whispered.
"Hmm?" Ryoga raised an eyebrow.
"What are you going to name it if it's a boy!?" Akane giggled. "Ryoga Jr.? And what if it's a girl? Will you name her Akane in honor of you're favorite sister-in-law?"
Ryoga groaned and went back into the tub, this time on purpose trying to drown himself, but the hot water wasn't his friend and Akane pulled him out again before he suffocated and began badgering him with questions.
To Be Continued . . .
Next Chapter . . .
"That's it! There *is* a sign, isn't there? Where is it!" Nodoka ranted for a moment then regained her composure. "I've got a better idea." Nodoka said. "You can make this ship go faster, or . . ." she waved her katana. "I can make you both women and you won't be needing any sex from me."
"Number one . . . full speed ahead!" The captain said with some sort of dignity, then both he and the first mate ran for dear life.
Charlotte's Web
Chapter 21
I shall win him back or I'll eat Katsunishiki!
Everyone in the Tendo residence was fast asleep. Kasumi Tendo noted that Ryoga was sleeping in his piglet form on Nabiki's pillow. She was relieved for this, it meant that Ryoga and Nabiki hadn't gotten to doing anything "naughty" last night.
Or maybe they had. They were sleeping in as if they'd been up all night. Kasumi had once been with Nabiki and Akane on an excursion to Azusa's place to take back a kidnaped Ranma and Ryoga and it'd turned into an all nighter, but of course the eldest Tendo, trying hard to be a good "parent" while the real ones were away had to be suspicious.
Sleeping in wasn't uncommon for Nabiki, but it was for Akane and Ranma, and strangely enough, Ranma and Akane were sleeping in too. This both reassured and worried Kasumi. If whatever Nabiki and Ryoga had been doing, Ranma and Akane had been apart of then it certainly hadn't been immoral. Illegal perhaps but not immoral. Ranma and Akane simple couldn't do anything . . . bad together, they couldn't get through a kiss without fighting.
But that everyone was sleeping in did worry the elder Tendo about the health of her family.
She dialed some numbers on the telephone and got Dr. Tofu's answering machine. "Dr. Tofu? Hello. This is Kasumi. Everyone is sleeping in I think they may be ill, I would feel so much better if you could come check on them when you get this message and have the time. I'll bake you cookies if you do!" She added. Then thought 'bake him cookies? That doesn't sound quite right . . .' "Er, forget the cookies . . . well . . . I mean I'll be baking cookies anyway, I am not trying to lure you here with cookies but if you come by I'll give them to you." Kasumi amended.
She hung up the phone then went about the task of baking cookies, hoping that the rich chocolate aroma would awaken the other residents of the house. Of course she suddenly remembered something she was supposed to be doing . . . she ran out leaving cookie dough on the counter, she didn't have time to throw them into the oven and wouldn't have had time to take them out afterwards. Oh well, she'd be quick.
"So . . . you still want to move to Hawaii?" Genma asked his incredibly sexy wife.
"Yes." Nodoka nodded. "There were so many hot young men at the beach that I've yet to sleep with. All I got to do was have an affair with Soun." She pouted.
"Excuse me?" Genma frowned. Had he heard her right?
"I said nothing, dear husband." Nodoka said with a warm smile.
"For a moment I thought you said you'd slept with Soun!" Genma cried. Soun screamed from some far off corner of the ship. He shouldn't have been close enough to hear what they were saying, it must have been instinct.
"Well yes, I did. You see we had to share a hotel room so as he slept on the couch I slept on the bed and so in a sense we slept together." Nodoka said with a shrug.
"Oh. Oh of course. As if you'd ever leave me for Soun." Genma chuckled. "He's my exact opposite. Tall, skinny, full head of hair, and emotional."
"It's only the final respect where you dominate Soun Tendo." Nodoka grumbled. "And my insane loyalty to you that keeps our family together."
"What was that?" Genma frowned.
"I said that for all those reasons you dominate Soun Tendo, and I'd have to be insane not to love you, you keep our family . . . are you actually buying this?" Nodoka asked with a raised eyebrow.
"Yes." Genma nodded.
"In that case . . . he's much better endowed than you, it's not a wonder he had three children as you could only father one unmanly whelp." Nodoka sighed.
"Huh?" Genma frowned.
"I said he's much better endowed than you, and it's . . . no . . . wait . . . I said you're much better endowed than him and it's a wonder he had three children while we had only one especially since you're so much more fun to sleep with than him."
"He's fun to sleep with?" Genma frowned.
"I wouldn't know." Nodoka shrugged. "But it sure was great to get all that off my chest."
"Well the ship sure is great." Genma noted. "Feel that ocean breeze in your face my darling? I feel like the king of the world!"
"Husband . . . we are in our cabin . . . and the ship has yet to depart. The ocean breeze you speak of is a fan, and I'd appreciate it if you would turn it off, I'm freezing."
"Hmm . . . yes . . . okay I see." Genma nodded, not at all embarrassed. But then again, why should he be? He was hanging out in his cabin with a wife that was just . . . incredible for her age.
And his best friend Mr. Stuck Up "I've got three daughters and each one could be a super model if she wanted" was all by himself! Hah! Oh, and Soun was alone too, what a coincidence that he and Mr. Stuck Up had so much in common . . . now Genma had gone and confused himself.
Hey . . . where did Nodoka go?
Meanwhile . . . Soun was trying in vain to get over his seasickness. He didn't usually get sea sick, he was sure this was some sort of divine punishment for him leaving his precious little girls to burn to death after that atomic bomb blast so he could go to Hawaii and start sleeping with his friends wife.
He could remember the phone call with Kasumi all too clearly!
"Father! I'm being held at gunpoint! Akane was sold into slavery in a third world country that treats women-young virgin women in particular-life sex slaves! Nabiki married Ranma behind your back and they have five children and are living off welfare and they need you to help them pay their bills or they'll lose their home! And father I tried to be a good girl but I sold my body to the Mafia and now because I wasn't skilled enough in bed I am going to be shot! Curse my virgin purity! Curse it I say! Now there is a war going on outside and the house is burning down and there's an atomic bomb about to go off in five seconds! Luckily the alien who says he's going to cut me up to see what makes me tick also said I could call you to say good bye so . . . good bye father!" Kasumi said it all cheerfully.
"Kasumi!" Soun wept through his sickness. "I will find Akane and buy her back, I will break Ranma's legs and I will find that alien and set you free!" He cried, shaking his fist at thin air as he made his proclamation. "With god as my witness, I swear I will return home, my child!"
He didn't notice Nodoka shake her head and sigh and walk off muttering something about having sex with him later.
"Wow . . . dat's one strange proclamation you just make." The school principal said. "You no like my islands?"
"What? No! They only cause me grief and worry! And now my children are ruined, one is a slave in Czechoslovakia, the other is married to her little sister's fiancée and has fifty children, and the third is probably being raped by some alien and his anal probe!"
The school principal looked at Soun for a moment. He wore thick sunglasses but Soun could tell there was confusion and pity in the man's eyes. "You . . . you crazy." The man said at last.
Soun scowled. "I'm coming home girls! I'm coming home!" He ran around in circles. "Cant this ship move any faster!?" He cried.
"Sure. There is a room on this ship where lots of tall, stacked, sweaty men throw coal into big furnaces. The rate at which they throw the coal in will decide how fast the ship moves." A little boy said. "When the any sort of homosexual song plays the sweaty men dance and the ship goes faster."
"Darn it, you've been watching those stupid cartoons again haven't you?" The boy's father scowled. But Soun was now on a mission. He knew what had to be done . . .
He turned to principal Kuno. "Where can I find a huge boom box and any album recorded by the Village People?"
"What you need these things for?" The principal asked.
"To save my children!" Soun cried.
"Oh . . . huh?"
"You're useless! I'm leaving!" Soun cried.
"Wait!" The principal said. "I help you . . . on one condition . . . I cut your hair."
"What is this . . . some sort of fetish of yours or something?"
"That's the deal, take it or leave it."
"How much of my hair will you cut?" Soun asked.
"You may never grow it all back." The principal admitted.
"Why are you on this ship in the first place?"
"I take long trip to Hawaii." The man shrugged. "Come back on this boat."
"I think Akane mentioned something about you coming back from you're trip a while ago . . ." Soun said skeptically.
"I can go on more dan one trip to da islands!"
"And if I let you cut my hair you'll give me what I need to save my children?"
The man shook his head, then realized he was doing it wrong and nodded instead.
"Deal!" Soun cried.
Nodoka meanwhile had been thinking about what Soun had told her-or rather told no one in particular-and decided the best thing to do was call the Tendo residence and talk to Kasumi. So she found a man who looked relatively rich and asked if she could borrow his cell phone.
"Is it a local call?" The man asked.
Nodoka stared at the idiot for a moment. 'Local? Local as in Hawaii, Japan or those stupid islands we're going to pass on the way?' She thought, then nodded. "Yes. Yes it is."
"Very well then, but I expect payment . . . physical payment." The man said with a wink.
'Oh . . . my . . . god. Is it my kimono? My hair? Do I have a sign with 'slut' written on my back or something?' She checked, and found that she did not. 'Or maybe it's bad karma from sleeping with my husband's best friend . . . and making plans to do so again soon . . . hmm . . .' So she smiled politely and said, "Yes, as you desire I shall pay you physically." Nodoka said, putting her hand on the hilt of her Katana.
"Er . . . on second thought, my treat, talk away miss." The businessman said. "The name is *Mrs.* Saotome." Nodoka corrected and dialed the Tendo number into the phone.
It rang slowly . . . too slowly.
Akari walked into the Cat Café and nearly fainted when she saw the fate of her poor piggies! They were all dressed up in Mexican outfits and dancing around terribly!
"What have you done to them?" Akari screamed at Cologne.
"Hmm? Oh yes. Well Mousse is asleep and try as I might not even I can wake him so he couldn't slaughter them and it's simply to gruesome a job for me to do."
"What about Shampoo?" Akari frowned, then realized she might have just helped the old crone destroy her pet piggies!
"Shampoo is sleeping, but again, try as I might not even I can wake her, she too cannot slaughter the pigs."
"So you make them dance?"
"If you can call it that." Cologne shrugged. "They are the stars of Mexican day. All day we're serving Mexican flavored ramen."
"Mexican flavored?" Akari frowned. "You mean tacos?"
"Don't be so ignorant, Mexicans eat other things besides tacos! There are some Mexicans who've never even eaten a taco in their lives!"
"I'm sorry, I didn't mean to insult another culture." Akari whimpered.
"This ramen is burrito flavored." Cologne said. Akari fell over.
"You're insane!" She cried.
"That's what they said when I said I could pose for the swim suit calendar back when I was ninety nine! But who's insane now! BWAHAHAHAHAHA! Anyway it's very possible. You simply take a tortilla, put some refried beans all along it, put it into the bowl then fill that bowl with "plain" flavored ramen. It is actually quite good . . . if only I could find a way to keep the tortillas from getting soggy . . . alas . . . dreams." Cologne shrugged.
"Tortillas don't get soggy!" Akari cried.
"It's great!" The host from WPDDC added from some unseen corner.
"You're insane! I want my piggies back!" Akari squealed.
"But the deal is sealed." Cologne said. "Much like your mouth . . . only opposite."
"You're stupid ringer didn't even beat Akane! We still lost!"
"This means what to me?" Cologne asked. "I didn't say she'd *definitely* win."
"As a member of RHFC you should be devastated at our loss." Akari said.
"I'm not. Anyway I've joined the RSFC." Cologne said simply.
"What! WHY YOU-"
"And from what I hear you're not even head of RHFC anymore, your people have found some sort of god thing that you believe will now rule over you?"
"Oh yes. The scarf wearing wife of Ryoga Hibiki, our goddess." Akari nodded.
Cologne blinked. "You know . . . you need help. Really. Now you think Nabiki Tendo is a goddess?" Cologne shook her head.
"Of course. She married Ryoga." Akari shrugged.
"She did not, she's just mysteriously overprotective of him . . . like an older sister . . . who flirts with her brother as enthusiastically as a whore." Cologne said with a finger on her chin in thought.
"Nonsense! With our scarf wearing goddess by our side now we shall never be defeated again!"
"Hmm? Oh you want to talk about your silly fan club again." Cologne shook her head. "So Nabiki is your goddess and even though you lost to the fan club of Future-son-in-law you are all still very enthusiastic about your silly little satanic worship. Oh-ho . . . then everything is as I planned. Nabiki went there and now she's your new leader."
"That wasn't your plan!" A very handsome boy said. "Your plan was to kill her before I could have sex with her!"
"Silence, Mikado!" Cologne cried, she whacked him on the head with her stick.
Akari scowled. "Just you wait! If Nabiki isn't Ryoga's wife then that means I still can be!"
"I suppose. Can you out flirt Nabiki?"
"Surely!" Akari scowled. "I can simply shove my breasts in his face and with that accomplish more than that silly *whore* ever could!"
"You'd need breasts for that." Cologne observed. "Nabiki on the other hand? Well she's much bustier than you. And has better curves." Cologne said.
"Not to mention she doesn't reek of pig manure." Phil added.
"Indeed, how could anyone forget that?" Cologne shrugged.
"And who is to say she doesn't shove her breasts into his face?" Phil shrugged. "Really that's a very common way to get a man, women do it all the time in America . . . didn't do it too often in Canada, most of them were flat, but you couldnt tell because of their thick winter jackets, before you know it you've got six flat former wives . . . crap I need to learn when to end the sentence."
"Uh . . . right." Cologne nodded, picking up the slack. "For all you know Akari, you're darling Ryoga and the 'whore' Nabiki have spent the night together."
"Ryoga has spent the night with me before!"
"I meant in the same bed . . . in dramatic and loving embrace. Not in the barn, on a bail of hay while you sleep comfortably in your bed." Cologne amended with an evil sneer.
"He's done that with her!? No! You lie! You lie! He'd never! She must have forced him!"
"Or seduced him. She's the one with the little dancing pig right? Bouncing baby Buddha on a pogo stick, she was fuggin hot. Heck if she were offering I'd take her over you in a second." Phil shrugged.
"I don't care! I'll get my Ryoga back!" Akari wailed frantically.
"To get something back, would suggest you had at one point possessed it." Cologne teased.
"I'll get him back or I'll eat Katsunishiki!" Akari wailed, jumping up and down and waving her arms around making everyone stare at her.
The eyes of the giant pig (which Akari had rode in on) suddenly became enormous and his pupils became very small. Then where a giant pig had once stood was only a giant cloud of dust.
Akari scowled and stormed out, thoroughly pissed.
Unfortunately she forgot about the pigs. Fortunately for the pigs Cologne had grown attached to them as their presence reeled in many customers. Soon the living mummy had set up a nice place for them to live . . . in Mousse's room. The stench of so many Mexican dancing pigs and their . . . "presents" woke poor young Mousse and unfortunately for Mousse and the largest pig the nearly blind young man thought Shampoo had invaded his room for reasons unholy and he lunged forward and kissed the enormous pig.
Both pig and boy gazed into each other's eyes lovingly . . . then suddenly there was light of recognition in the eyes of both. "AAAHHHH!" Mousse cried.
"ERNK!" The pig screamed.
The other pigs just laughed and Mousse tried to find his way out of his room. As if it wasn't hard enough without the pig pies on the floor everywhere.
Meanwhile Tofu sighed as he was again discharged.
"Forget the bill!" The doctor said. "Just don't fuggin come back!"
"But my life is here!" Tofu cried. "And you still have my chainsaw!"
The doctor scowled and gave Tofu the chainsaw, the leather jacket and the valet came around with the motor cycle.
"Wow!" Tofu grinned. "I'm back! Tofu rides again! Outta the way B-Yotch, I'm gonna go eat me some road!"
The valet sighed then gave Tofu a thumbs up . . . just not with his thumb . . . or index, pinky or ring for that matter.
And the terror in a doctor's outfit was unleashed on mankind again. Anyone ever see that one movie with the talking plant and the evil dentist who sang that cool song about killing puppies and rode a motor cycle?
Yeah . . . that has nothing to do with any of this, I just tried to imagine Tofu riding a motorcycle decked out with a chainsaw and his leather jacket . . . that popped into my head.
So . . . anyway . . .
Tofu got home some time that afternoon, he checked his messages . . . wait . . . that's strange, he didn't have an answering machine!
"Tofu? You fudged up my back and now I can't lift a piece of paper! I need you to fix it or I sue!" Some guy said. Tofu scowled.
"Dr. Tofu? Hello. This is Kasumi. Everyone is sleeping in I think they may be ill, I would feel so much better if you could come check on them when you get this message and have the time. I'll bake you cookies if you do!" She paused. "Er, forget the cookies . . . well . . . I mean I'll be baking cookies anyway, I am not trying to lure you here with cookies but if you come by I'll give them to you."
But what Tofu heard was . . .
"Oh Tofu! Hello (giggles) this is your girl Kasumi! Everyone is sleeping right now, I hope they're ill so they wont bother us for a long time. I'm all alone, I'd feel so much better if you could come by and check me out, I'm just a hot horny honey in need of sexual release and you're the best man for the job! I'd feel so much better if you'd drill me when you get this message and have the time between the other girls, you must be in high demand. I'll bake cookies! I want to lure you here so you can eat my cookies and everything else I've got!"
"Tehehe. We're back in business!" The chainsaw chuckled.
"Yes indeed . . . well I cannot refuse a request from Kasumi. Let's ride Betty!" Tofu said to the skeleton.
"You player! You leave me alone for how long only to come back and go after Kasumi's tail? Just leave me here! You always do lately!" The skeleton scowled at him. "Leave me to die!"
"Don't be that way, I've got love for the both of you." Tofu assured the skeleton that was-to him-very much alive. And soon he was riding down the street on his motorcycle with a chainsaw in one hand and a skeleton hanging onto him as if for dear life though really that's impossible.
Ironically the doctor who had discharged Tofu watched him go by and sighed. "God . . . what have I done?"
"You've unleashed great terror on the world." The skeleton cried as Tofu drove by. The doctor blinked then went back to the institute to have himself committed.
Meanwhile . . .
RING! RING!
Akane Tendo woke up and tromped over to the phone.
RING! RING!
She picked it up and screamed "WHAT THE HECK DO YOU WANT?!" into the phone.
"Akane?" Auntie Nodoka asked.
"Oh auntie!" Akane said, her anger gone. "What is it?"
"Well I called to see how things were."
"Wonderful!" Akane said.
"You're not being pimped off on the streets are you?" Nodoka asked. Akane laughed but auntie Nodoka sounded quite serious.
"Eh . . . no. No I'm not."
"And the house hasn't been burned down?"
"No . . . it got looted after a huge hole was blown in the wall and in an uncharacteristic lack of foresight Nabiki told Mousse to guard it."
"So you really did have the blind kid guarding the house . . ." Nodoka sighed. "Well what about Kasumi? She's not selling her body to the Mafia is she?"
"I don't . . . think so." Akane frowned. "Auntie, what is all this about?"
"Your father recently called home and had a strange conversation with Kasumi, now he thinks you've been sold into slavery, that Kasumi is a whore and that the house was destroyed in an atomic blast. He also believes that Kasumi has been abducted by aliens and that there is a war going on back in Japan."
"Oh there is!" Akane cried. "Just last night! It was incredible! I almost got to shoot Ranma!"
"You what?" Nodoka gasped.
"It was a paint ball war." Akane noted.
"Oh!" Nodoka sounded relieved. "Well everyone is okay then, right?"
"Right."
"Akane, how would you feel about moving to Hawaii where you could be the daughter of a millionaire?" Nodoka asked.
"I'd like that very much." Akane shrugged.
"Good. Try and see how the other girls feel, and try to convince them that moving to Hawaii is a good idea, you've got about two weeks to do this, then your father, uncle Saotome and I should be home."
"Why so long?" Akane asked.
"We're taking a cruise ship back."
"Oh-ho . . ."
"Oh! I almost forgot!" Nodoka said with a chuckle. "Nabiki. How is she doing?"
"Doing well, I suppose . . . to be truthful, I don't really know lately." Akane shrugged, but Nodoka wouldn't see it.
"That's good." Nodoka laughed. "Your father was having a fit! He thought she was dating Ryoga!"
"She *is*!" Akane cried triumphantly. Reminded of how she'd been the first to know that her sister and Ryoga had romantic feelings towards one another. "And *I* was the first one to know!" she told Nodoka.
"Wow . . . they aren't . . . you know . . . are they?" Nodoka sounded shocked.
"Sleeping together? Yeah sure." Akane shrugged. "Again, who was the first one to know? Yours truly!" Akane said, feeling incredibly satisfied with herself.
"Oh my . . . it seems your father thinks she is pregnant . . ." Nodoka frowned. "Is Nabiki pregnant Akane?"
Akane almost dropped the phone. "Nabiki is pregnant!?" She gasped. "Wow! This is such odd and unfortunate yet incredible and wonderful news! I just have to tell everyone in town!"
"No! Don't!" Nodoka cried. "I was asking you, not telling you!"
But Akane didn't hear her. "My big sister is having a baby! I have to tell everyone!" She cried, hanging up the phone on Nodoka. "Who do I tell first?" Akane wondered. Of course . . . there was only one person she could tell first.
She snuck quietly to Nabiki's room . . .
"Good morning P-Chan!" Akane giggled wickedly. Ryoga woke up and sighed. Akane was carrying him around, she seemed pretty thrilled about something. "I can't wait to talk to you face to face! You thought you could be tricky and not tell me, but I've found out you're secret!"
'I have a secret?' Ryoga wondered. 'Hmm . . . I'm your pet pig . . . I'm in love with your sister . . . used to be in love with you . . . nope, nothing you don't already know Akane, sorry.' He thought to himself. Then scowled because she couldn't hear him. He needed to stop talking to himself!
Akane brought him into the washroom and threw him into a readily filled tub of hot water, he leapt out, then leapt back in. "Akane!" He cried. "You're not supposed to see me like this!" Akane threw him a pair of pants, he turned her head to the side then threw them on, got out of the bath then turned her head back. "What is this all about?" He demanded.
Akane grinned. "So . . . thought you could get away without me finding out did you?"
"Akane, you seem to know more about this than me. What the heck are you talking about?"
"The baby!" Akane giggled.
"What?" Ryoga frowned.
"You didn't know?" Akane gasped. "Ryoga! Nabiki is pregnant!"
Ryoga fell back into the tub, Akane had to pull him out to keep him from drowning.
"Ryoga!" She snapped, slapping him until he came around.
"This just cant be!" He groaned. "How can you even know this?"
"Auntie Nodoka told me, and father told her, and Kasumi told father and Nabiki must have told Kasumi!"
Ryoga groaned. "Great! So Kasumi, your dad, Ranma's mother and you all know before me? Great!" he scoffed. Akane gasped. Ryoga eyed her. "What?" He asked.
"Well . . . if she didn't want to tell you . . . maybe it's not your-"
"Don't you finish that sentence." Ryoga scowled, surprised at how angry that thought made him.
"Oh . . . sorry." Akane frowned. "We should tell Ranma about this! He owes me money now!" Akane said happily.
"No! No Ranma! We're not telling anyone about this! Don't tell Nabiki you know either, especially don't tell her that *I* know." Ryoga said. "I need to figure out what to do . . . I think."
"Ryoga . . ." Akane whispered.
"Hmm?" Ryoga raised an eyebrow.
"What are you going to name it if it's a boy!?" Akane giggled. "Ryoga Jr.? And what if it's a girl? Will you name her Akane in honor of you're favorite sister-in-law?"
Ryoga groaned and went back into the tub, this time on purpose trying to drown himself, but the hot water wasn't his friend and Akane pulled him out again before he suffocated and began badgering him with questions.
To Be Continued . . .
Next Chapter . . .
"That's it! There *is* a sign, isn't there? Where is it!" Nodoka ranted for a moment then regained her composure. "I've got a better idea." Nodoka said. "You can make this ship go faster, or . . ." she waved her katana. "I can make you both women and you won't be needing any sex from me."
"Number one . . . full speed ahead!" The captain said with some sort of dignity, then both he and the first mate ran for dear life.