Disclaimer: I don't own Ranma 1/2 or Charlotte's web. Tofu mentions the good old American movie Look Who's Talking, but I don't own it, I don't own anything except the basic idea for this fic. Have a nice day.
Note, I wasn't trying to make Nodoka a whore, she's just sort of having a mid-life crisis and needs to feel sexy. I mean, c'mon, take a look at her, not bad eh? She's got nothing on Kasumi of course (She might contend with Nabiki if Nabiki were late thirties/early forties), but she could pass for Ranma's older sister. Now look at Genma, or even Soun. They look their age. First I saw Ranma I thought Soun was his father, Genma was his grand father and Akane was his sister.
Charlotte's Web
Chapter 22
The RETURN of Hand Lotion!
(Whap, crack, punch, BAM!)
Er . . . The Return of Han Lo-Chun
Nodoka shook her head ruefully. Now Akane was probably telling everyone at school that Nabiki was pregnant, even if it were true it'd be a disaster. Soun hadn't been very comforted by the news that his children continued to live because now he had a hair cut . . . and a bad one at that, it looked as if some one had put a bowl over his head and shaved everything else away. Still had his mustache, but he was still none too pleased with the change.
Nodoka didn't blame him, she found him significantly less attractive now, one of the reasons she was getting bored with Genma was his hair . . . 'What have I become?' She wondered absently.
"I have this plan," Soun was saying. "A little boy told me that if I play music the ship would go faster, so I've obtained a radio and a CD through means I don't feel I should tell you, it's just too painful."
"Okay . . . cant we just enjoy our two weeks? We know the girls are fine and that Ranma and Akane haven't killed each other yet since it was Akane who answered the phone." Genma said.
"I thought it was ONE week!" Soun cried. Genma shook his head. "Yeah, well maybe everything is fine, but I paid a high price for this radio and I plan to use it!" Soun cried.
"You could use it all you wanted if we moved to Hawaii." Nodoka noted.
"Are you still going on about that?" Soun and Genma groaned in once voice.
"That's right!" Nodoka cried. "And I'll *be* going on about it until you give in! Just remember, I'm your only source of physical pleasure!"
"I've spent years apart from you!" Genma cried.
"I've er . . . never slept with you . . . ever . . . it's true!" Soun said feebly. Genma nodded.
"Yeah! Hey . . . wait am I missing something? You had a sign and . . . and then you two were . . . and . . . it's all coming together!" WHAP! Nodoka whacked him with the hilt of her katana, his eyes crossed. "Err . . . what was I talking about?"
"Do you have to keep doing that?" Soun asked her. "I think it's actually helping him figure it out."
"You want some of this?" She threatened.
He put his hands in the air in submission.
"Now you, play your stupid radio but you'll find we move no faster. And you," she pointed at Genma, "get me something to drink . . . and something to eat . . . and maybe something for desert. Meanwhile *I* will be seeing if they sell any tote bags large enough to fit several of those nifty bath robes in."
"My wife the thief." Genma sighed.
"My wife the cruel." The ship captain added.
"My wife the whore." The first mate said.
"My wife the corpse." Soun shrugged. They stared at him. "What? I couldn't just say nothing, c'mon!"
"What the heck are you two doing in this cabin?" Nodoka asked.
"We heard you needed the ship to go faster. Well for a price we can make it so." The captain said.
"Oh really?" Nodoka's eyes narrowed. If the trend of things held . . . "You want sex don't you!" She accused.
They looked taken aback. "Well no," the captain said, "We were going to ask that you burn that CD in the fires of hades, but now that you've offered I cant get it out of my mind so-yeah, that's our price." The captain shrugged.
"I still want the CD destroyed." The first mate said, the captain slapped him. "Er . . . right sir."
"That's it! There *is* a sign, isn't there? Where is it!" Nodoka ranted for a moment then regained her composure. "I've got a better idea." Nodoka said. "You can make this ship go faster, or . . ." she waved her katana. "I can make you both women and you won't be needing any sex from me."
"Number one . . . full speed ahead!" The captain said with some sort of dignity, then both he and the first mate ran for dear life.
Nabiki opened her eyes slowly, assaulted by sunlight she covered her eyes and growled. She was a little reluctant to wake, after all sleep felt so good. But as all good things it had come to its end.
She looked around and realized Ryoga was nowhere to be found, she scowled and cursed him for
wandering off.
She decided the best course of action would be to roll out of bed, hit her head of the floor and wake up. But that always hurt so much. Oh well, on three . . . one . . . two . . . screw it, she decided to go back to sleep.
"Oh Akane, that's a terrible thing to say!" Kasumi cried from downstairs. Nabiki was fully awake.
"But you told auntie Nodoka so why cant I tell Dr. Tofu?" Akane cried.
"I told her what?" Kasumi yelped. "I haven't even spoken to her . . . have I?"
"She said you told father and he told her." Akane said.
"Oh . . . well yes I might have said that to father. Oh well, I guess that's okay, this is the sort of thing Father needs to know. But really Akane, don't go telling everyone!"
"But Dr. Tofu is a close friend of the family!" Akane protested. Nabiki emerged from her room to see what the commotion was about. As soon as she walked in everyone was quiet.
"Er . . . good morning Nabiki!" Kasumi said cheerfully.
"Hello." Tofu said. "Say hello, Betty." There was a pause . . . "Really, you could say it with a bit more enthusiasm." Tofu sighed.
"Hi sis!" Akane cried.
"Did you just call me 'sis'?" Nabiki demanded.
"Er . . . yes?"
"You're up to something, arent you?" She accused. "Don't ever do it again." Nabiki warned. "Has anyone seen Ryoga?"
"Oh-ho. Got something really important you need to tell him huh?" Akane grinned.
"What? Why are you grinning at me?"
"Ryoga went to use the bathroom and we got a call from Kodachi saying that he'd ended up at her place, so we sent Ranma to go get him."
"Curse him!" Nabiki scowled. She looked at her family, plus Tofu. "What were you talking about?" She asked.
"Eh . . . nothing." Kasumi said.
"You were talking about something." Nabiki said.
"Nothing at all." Kasumi said, there was a "BING" sound. "Oh! The cookies!" Kasumi rushed off.
"Saved by the bell." Nabiki chuckled. She turned on Akane. "C'mon, what did Auntie Nodoka tell you?"
Akane beamed. "She told me about the baby!" She cried.
Nabiki blinked. "What baby? Nodoka isn't having another kid is she?"
Akane grinned again, Nabiki wanted to end that forever but couldn't think of any remark snide enough, this grin was just too powerful. It was the one she wore when she thought she was incredibly smart, or most recently smarter than Ranma. "Don't play dumb Nabiki! We all know that yo-" Kasumi was in the room in a second, her hand over Akane's mouth.
"That you know already." She said quickly. "After all, you know everything!"
"I used to think that too!" Nabiki exclaimed. "Now I'm not so sure!"
"Mwe mwall mow! Myogma mows moo!" Akane cried through Kasumi's hand, Kasumi stomped on her toe, how unlike Kasumi.
Dr. Tofu didn't seem to be affected by any of this, he just sipped a cup of tea and had a private conversation with his skeleton, Betty.
Nabiki was starting to become confused, and that was something she simply wouldn't allow, it was not meet for Nabiki Tendo to be confused about anything . . . wait, what did 'meet' mean? Curses! She was more confused than she thought! She made an orderly retreat into the kitchen, and listened to the others speak in hushed tones, obviously underestimating her hearing.
"What did you do that for?" Akane demanded.
"We can't let her know we know!" Kasumi whispered. "She might panic, just think how she'd react if she found out that uncle Saotome and father know too!"
"She should be thrilled!" Akane cried.
"I wouldn't be." Tofu noted.
"Well you wouldn't have to worry about it now would you?" Akane chuckled.
"How did Ryoga take the news?" Kasumi whispered.
"He was ecstatic!" Akane said defensively.
So . . . Ryoga knew . . . whatever this was, if Ryoga was in on it why wasn't Nabiki? Well it didn't matter, she supposed she could just get it out of him later. Those cookies were all alone, all defenseless . . . "eat us! Just one of us! A little one!" they cried. Nabiki was happy to oblige.
Akane pouted and Kasumi scolded her some more. "Think about it Akane, she hasn't told *us* and we're her sisters! She hasn't even told Ryoga, the likely father, what does that tell you?"
"Er . . . it's a surprise?" Akane offered.
"Ryoga might not be the father!" Kasumi hissed.
"No, don't say that, that's mean." Akane said. "Nabiki wouldn't cheat on . . . no wait . . ."
"Or perhaps she's not pregnant at all, perhaps this is all a misunderstanding." Tofu offered. Hah! From the mouths of babes . . .
Who ever listens to a baby? "You're nuts!" Akane cried. "If Kasumi says it is so, father says it is so and Nodoka says it is so then it must be so!"
"I didn't say it was so!" Kasumi said.
"Yes you did! You just don't remember!" Akane protested. "Anyway I say its so, so it's still so!"
"Stop saying 'so'!" Kasumi growled.
"YYYEEEOOOWWW!" Nabiki shouted from the kitchen. "You little liars tricked me!"
"Oh my, she found the cookies, I told them not to say anything!" Kasumi frowned. Akane and Tofu both looked at her. "What? I better go, you know how she gets when snacks fight back."
Akane had a flashback to when they were just little girls, Nabiki had got her hand stuck in a snack jar because she wouldn't let go of the handful of candy she'd grabbed. Akane had been going through her tattling phase, and Kasumi was in the "I'm the mommy" phase that she really never did get out of. The result was father coming home and catching her and sending her to her room, but not before she got down on her knees, raised her arms in the air and shouted to the heavens:
"CURSE YOU SNACKS! CCCCCCUUUUUURRRRRRSSSSSSEEEEEE YYYYOOOOOUUUUUU!"
"You'd better go save her." Akane nodded but Kasumi was already gone. Dr. Tofu shook his head and sighed. "Y'see? I was right." Akane said.
"Hmm? How so?"
"She's eating uncontrollably, she's probably in her seventh month or something."
"They said they were cooled!" Nabiki protested from the kitchen.
"Uncontrollably you say?" Tofu raised an eyebrow. "One cookie Akane, just one, isnt a sign of an uncontrollable eater, and if she were in her seventh month she wouldnt look anorexic! The cookie proves noting."
"But it DOES!" Akane cried.
"She's *always* sneaking something out of the kitchen, you've said so yourself." The young doctor sighed. "I actually want to know where she puts it all!" He patted his stomach. "If I had her metabolism I could probably eat more of Kasumi's cooking and maybe Kasumi would be so impressed she'd let me-"
"They said they were soft and gooey!" Nabiki continued. "It's not that they lied so much that they *spoke* that bothers me!" She cried.
"Yes, well I told them not to talk." Kasumi was sighing.
"*Why* were they talking!" Nabiki demanded.
"Don't worry about that, why don't you go run your hand under some warm water?"
"See?" Akane chuckled. "She's hearing things, that means she's pregnant."
"If you say so." Tofu said. "But I really don't think that's an actual symptom of pregnancy, a lapse of memory or perhaps violent mood swings, but not this. Also she doesn't look pregnant."
"That's because she just started having sex with Ryoga a few days ago." Akane nodded.
"Then it's impossible to know, it'd be a couple weeks before you'd know for sure." Tofu said. "And if my memory of 'Look Who's Talking' serves me right she should be throwing up."
"Well why don't you give her a physical and find out?"
"Kasumi? Physical? Oh I'd love too!" Tofu wept.
"I meant Nabiki."
"Oh . . . sorry I'm not that sort of doctor." Tofu sighed.
"But you were going to do it to Kasumi!"
"Ahem. *Not* that sort of doctor." Tofu repeated.
Ryoga and Ranma walked back to the Tendo training hall slowly, Ryoga resisted the urge to attack the arrogant boy as he walked along his favorite fence. "So . . . how're things?" Ranma asked at last.
"What? Fine I guess." Ryoga grumbled. Was Ranma . . . making conversation?
"Oh yeah? That's cool . . ." Ranma paused, then finally he said with a chuckle, "I really feel sorry for that baby. With you as his's father he'll never find his way out of Nabiki."
"Who told you?" Ryoga demanded, kicking the fence, Ranma leapt gracefully away and landed right behind the surprised and enraged boy.
"Aww c'mon pall, I heard Akane tell you. The walls are paper-thin. That said, when did you 'an Nabiki even do it? I mean gosh I didn't hear a thing. Azusa is gonna be heart broken . . . Ryoga you player." Ranma grinned.
"Shut up." Ryoga scowled. "You're the one with the harem."
Ranma shrugged in as close to an apology as he really came in this sort of situation. "Okay, I'm sorry." Ranma didn't really sound sincere. "Look, I was holding that crack about the baby in all day! Now admit it was a good one! C'mon!"
"If it weren't rude, uncalled for and at my expense I might have found it amusing." Ryoga allowed. "Can't you make up some jokes about Mousse? Why is it always me?"
"I do make up jokes 'bout Mousse, yer just to stiff ta ever get 'em." Ranma chuckled, Ryoga scowled.
The next few days passed by uneventfully, Nabiki was getting truly annoyed. Ryoga had proven to be a terrible source of information, in fact he had her asking herself even more questions now.
Everyone was acting very strangely, all she had to do was walk into a room and the conversation ended, which of course led her to believe that these conversations were about her.
It was really frustrating, Akane, not being one for subterfuge was constantly slipping things but none of it made sense. Nodoka had a baby but she wasn't pregnant, everyone was going to move to Hawaii and be rich but they wouldn't be leaving home, and Akane had a strange interest in knowing wether or not Nabiki was throwing up.
"Look, I'm not bulimic or whatever, I don't make myself throw up okay?" Nabiki scowled.
"I don't know what that word means. But you're still really skinny." Akane noted.
"That's right! It's called 'jogging'." Nabiki snapped.
"I don't think you're eating enough. Not a woman in your condition anyway," Akane said. "I'll go make an extra big dinner."
"NO!" Nabiki cried.
That's basically how things were going. Ranma seemed as clueless as she was, but that really wasn't any sort of surprise. Maybe he was just better at playing the fool than Akane, any young man engaged to two beautiful young women (and Akane) would have to be a master of feigned surprise. But the biggest surprise came when Nabiki was trying to sit quietly in the living room.
Why was this surprise so big? Because it was the answer to her question of course. The phone rang and Nabiki answered it.
"Tendo residence, Nabiki speaking, state your business."
"Nabiki? Oh thank heavens you're not Akane!" Nodoka said.
"I know, I feel that way too. You want to talk to Akane?" Nabiki sneered.
"No! She's too excitable!"
"You're telling me!" Nabiki growled.
"Nabiki I have some questions to ask you." Nodoka said.
"Oh joy!" Nabiki said with mock enthusiasm. "I'm waving a flag, auntie!" She scowled.
"Uh . . . right. Nabiki, how do you feel about moving to Hawaii and being rich?"
"I like the second half of it."
"The moving part?" Nodoka enthused.
"No, the being rich part, why would I want to move anywhere?" Nabiki asked.
"Because we've got some choice land in Hawaii near a beach and . . . never mind. Anyway Nabiki, are you seeing that Ryoga boy?"
"No I'm seeing that Ryoga, girl." Nabiki growled. "Who told you this?"
"It doesn't matter. Nabiki, you know you can tell your auntie anything right?"
"Since when?"
"Since forever. Are you sexually active." Nodoka asked simply.
Well that was sort of a shock. It really wasn't any of her business! "Yeah." Nabiki said. "Now that you mention it, I'm having sex right now. G'bye auntie, I'm about to climax!"
"That's not funny Nabiki!" Nodoka groaned. "Your twelve! I don't even want to imagine you-Eew!"
"I'm not twelve! I'm seventeen, and I'm eighteen in just a little while longer!"
"Oh . . . well still, That's disgusting!"
"You asked a disgusting question." Nabiki hissed.
"Fair enough. Nabiki, are you pregnant?"
"No."
"Oh . . . well then . . . never mind."
"Who told you I was?" Nabiki demanded. She had just gotten the last piece of a puzzle, she was sure of it, now all that remained was to put that puzzle together.
"Hmm? No one."
"C'mon! Tell me auntie! You'll be my favorite auntie!"
"Oh . . . well it's complicated, I don't know every detail but apparently Kasumi told your father you were sleeping with Ryoga-"
"I'll kill her!" Nabiki yelped.
"Which he then believed meant you were pregnant, and I asked Akane if you were to get confirmation and she misunderstood and believed that I was *telling* her that you were pregnant when in fact it was a question."
"So that's what's been going on here!" Nabiki scowled. "Just wait till I see Akane again, I'm going to make her pay through the nose!"
She hung up on Nodoka who screamed "Don't hang-"
Nabiki laughed wickedly, evil thoughts danced through her head. "Oh my . . . who to trick first . . . why not all of them at once?" She whispered to herself. She grinned from ear to ear, it'd been a while since she'd had some *real* fun!
"Akane! Kasumi! Ranma! Ryoga! Come down here, there's something really important I want to tell . . . oh . . . eh okay . . ." in an instant everyone was sitting right in front of her listening attentively, except Ryoga who was P-Chan dangling from Ranma's hand, teeth dug in suggesting they'd been fighting again.
"Everyone . . ." Nabiki said dramatically. "I've assembled you all here to tell you something that I suspect you already know . . . a truth I can deny no longer!" She said, throwing in mock tears for effect.
"Yes?" Akane eagerly leaned closer.
"It's gonna to be quick right?" Ranma yawned. Akane smacked him.
"Go ahead." Kasumi said, in her typical 'motherly' voice. "We all love you, no matter what."
'To bad, 'cause I *hate* you.' Nabiki thought, holding back the smile that wanted to dance over her lips and trying to keep her face grave. "I . . . I am . . . I'm going to have a baby!" She said.
Kasumi gasped in mock surprise, Akane clapped her hands and squealed. "I knew it! I knew it!" She giggled.
"Wow . . ." Ranma said in shock. "I thought it was just a joke, I mean yer so much skinnier than Akane!" Akane was too busy jumping up and down to punish him for that remark. Ranma lifted his hand and gave Ryoga a lazy, uncaring look. "Ya dirty pig." He chuckled. Really, Nabiki felt he was taking this better than anyone else, Akane was ecstatic, Kasumi was trying to hide her disapproval and Ryoga just started going into death rolls and trying to rip Ranma's hand off.
At about that time Akari was speaking to an assembly of other insane Ryoga fanatics, the fan club, Azusa, and a few others. Among the rabble was the assassin, she looked very cross, Akari ignored this. "Now listen up, our objective is to kidnap Nabiki Tendo, and hide her in the last place Ryoga would ever look, and eventually he'll just forget about her and we can go back to the way things were!"
"When you say kidnap . . . you mean kill?" Lotion asked.
"I don't mean kill."
"And by don't . . . you mean do?" Lotion pressed.
"No! You're not to harm her . . . physically. You can insult her if you like, break her, make her a fragile little doll so I can smash her spirit!"
"But the scrolls said we should praise her and accept her as our leader!" One of the girls from the
fan club said.
"The scrolls made a mistake, you're supposed to praise me and accept me as your leader, only I
can be Ryoga's wife!"
"That's right! You're so little and cute, you'd make a perfect wife!" Azusa cried.
"Well . . . thank you-" Akari began but Azusa cut her off.
"You're going to be Azusa's little Charlamay, that's who you are!"
"Oh god no!" Akari groaned.
"And by no . . . you mean yes?" Lotion asked.
"Gah! Just go kidnap Nabiki!"
"Right on." Lotion said. "By kidnap . . . you mean murd-"
"Don't hurt her!" Akari scowled, trying to wrestle Azusa off of her. "Get off me! Don't you have a home?"
"Yes! And you're going to come there with Azusa!"
"Don't you mean, "go there"?" Akari frowned.
"No, Azusa meant what Azusa said."
There was an awkward silence . . . finally Akari groaned. "Ewe!"
Lotion started to laugh, Cologne-whom Akari hadn't even noticed was in attendance-found it pretty funny too.
Everyone was silent now. It wasn't the grand reaction Nabiki had expected from them, if she were really pregnant she might resent that. "Well?" she pressed. "What do you think?"
"Well . . ." Kasumi said slowly.
"I knew it!" Akane beamed. Nabiki resisted the urge to lunge forward and strangle her sister.
"The . . . eh . . . father?" Kasumi asked.
"My darling Ryoga." Nabiki said, winking at the pig. Ranma chuckled when P-Chan's grip suddenly went limp and the pig fell to the floor unconscious.
"I don't know why he reacted that way, he already knew." Akane sighed.
"Maybe he was in denial." Kasumi frowned.
"He takes good news so well." Ranma grinned.
"Who said it was good news?" Nabiki asked, deciding to put an evil spin to this. Who needed soap operas? They could burn in TV hades, Nabiki was about to make the stage performance of a life time. "I . . . may not . . . keep the baby." She pretended to force the words out through an imaginary lump in her throat.
"WHA!" Ranma yelped.
"You can't be serious!" Akane gasped.
"Ryoga and I aren't married, and we don't have any means to raise a child." Nabiki said. "I may have to get rid of it."
"Get rid of it?" Akane growled. "My little niece? Oh no you don't!"
"Nephew, and yeah!" Ranma added. "Ya can't just go and do that, that'd be bad, if you can get laid you can deal with the consequences! Ya can't just put this kid up fer adoption just like that!"
"I'll remind you of that when *you* get pregnant Ranko." Nabiki said acidly. "And I am *not* talking about adoption. I speak of the other-unmentionable option."
Everyone went silent. So Nabiki continued. "You see, I just don't have the money, I can't afford a child. If only I'd saved the money I'd made this school year maybe . . ."
"If money is what you need, we'll help you!" Akane cried. Nabiki had to fight her grin. Oh they were playing right into her hands. Sweet! Too sweet even!
"Hey! Hey wait a minute, are we forgetting who we're talking to?" Ranma protested.
"My poor pregnant sister!" Akane cried. "How can we not help her in her time of need? She'd do the same for us!"
"If this were Kasumi I'd agree with you." Ranma said.
"Hey!" Kasumi protested.
"Hey!" Nabiki agreed.
"But this is *Nabiki* we both know what she's famous for!" Ranma continued.
"Ice cream eating record?" Akane frowned.
"Incredible figure considering holding the ice cream eating record?" Kasumi scratched her head.
"No wait! I know! She's famous for being my big sister!" Akane cried.
"I thought that was what *I* was famous for!" Kasumi whined.
"You're both wrong! Really wrong! Way off! She's Nabiki Tendo! C'mon! She's famous fer tricking people and getting their money, renowned fer her creativity in her plots! We're dealin' with Nabiki Tendo, the cold
hearted!"
"Well parenthood can change a person Ranma, all I'm concerned about now is little Ranko." Nabiki said with crocodile tears in her eyes. "I was going to name her after *you*, uncle Ranma, since you've got a male and female name. Ranma, Ranko, either way works." She tried.
Ranma melted. "I . . . er . . . eh . . . that's so sweet!" He wept.
"Besides! *Your* friend knocked her up so *you* can help!" Akane sneered.
"My friend? Did you miss the whole "bread feud" thing?" Ranma demanded.
Kasumi just shook her head as if she wasn't quite sure what to do. Akane grabbed Ranma and P-Chan and shoved them towards the wash room. "Go wake up the father and we'll have a big family conference. Right Kasumi?"
Kasumi shrugged. "Right. You go too Akane, try to keep them from killing each other." When they were gone Kasumi looked up at Nabiki.
"You know when Akane told me I wasn't sure if you were pregnant or not." Kasumi said. "When you confessed I believed it, but now, with you trying to make money off it . . . I know you're lying."
"Well I wish that were true." Nabiki sniffed. "If only I could *afford* to keep the baby!" She began to weep.
"Nabiki, are you actually going to try to make money off of this? A prank like this could give father a heart attack, or worse!"
"Aw daddy isn't that old, he'll be fine."
"If you won't think about us, then think about Ryoga's feelings!"
Nabiki blinked. "Why?"
Kasumi stared at her for a second. "What do you mean, 'why'? Because the poor boy will think he's the father!"
"But he *is* the father." Nabiki grinned.
"Of an imaginary child!" Kasumi said with one of those rare hints of annoyance in her voice.
"I'll thank you not to talk about my little Ranko like that."
"Nabiki . . . how could you?" Kasumi shook her head in disappointment.
"Kasumi . . . how could I not?" She asked. "This is what I live for, this is who I *am*? if you couldn't accept that when I was born you should have petitioned god for another sister."
"I did, and I got Akane." Kasumi chuckled, then became serious again. Kasumi shook her head. "Some times I wonder if this is really my family."
"Don't worry." Nabiki said, patting her sister on the shoulder. "I wonder the same thing too. Hey look, I'm just going to have fun with this for a little while okay? This is what Akane gets for going and believing I'd be stupid enough to get pregnant with *Ryoga's* child! Of all people!"
"Beg pardon? Whose child were you planning on having?" Kasumi demanded, Nabiki ignored her.
"Besides, I can smell yen on Akane and Ranma, yen that they just don't need. Keep quiet and I'll cut you in for twenty percent." She offered.
"No, this is going to far, this isn't funny." Kasumi warned.
"Sure it is!" Nabiki grinned. "C'mon, laugh." Her grin became a scowl, "Who told father I was with Ryoga in the first place huh? Really funny sister dear."
"I didn't-"
"C'mon Kasumi, didn't you feel all warm and squishy inside when I told you?"
"From the time you told me until the point when you said you weren't going to keep the baby, yes.I don't know what's wrong with Akane, but anyone who knows you knows that if you weren't going to keep that imaginary baby you'd keep quiet about it and tell no one."
Nabiki nodded, acknowledging this as truth. Actually she didn't know how she'd react, and she didn't appreciate Kasumi making assumptions, especially assumptions that sounded so true.
"And you're going to tell Ryoga it's a prank before he does something stupid." Kasumi warned.
"Like what?" Nabiki scowled. "You think he'd leave me?" She asked, honestly wanting Kasumi's opinion but it came out sarcastic. All things considered, roles reversed she'd leave Ryoga and get some other girlfriend who wasn't knocked up.
"No, I'm afraid he'll do something more along the lines of proposing to you." Kasumi said.
Nabiki shrugged. "Maybe I'll wait until he does, just to see how much I'm worth to him y'know?"
"If you don't tell him, I will." Kasumi warned. "Pregnancy, especially a fake pregnancy can ruin a person's life-I cant tell you how many times it's ruined mine, oh wait-I can: TWICE when I got two insane younger sisters!"
"If he gets me some crappy ring I'll laugh and tell him it was a joke." Nabiki assured her sister.
"And break his poor heart." Kasumi frowned.
"Heck, if the ring is expensive enough, and I know he really does care maybe I'll-" Nabiki tried to ignore her older sister.
"Nabiki!" Kasumi gasped.
"What?" She frowned.
"You can't be serious!"
"Why not?" Nabiki frowned. "Maybe it'll be fun to get married."
"You're seventeen! You wouldn't even be able to drink on your honeymoon."
"Oh like that'd stop me. Besides, alcohol isn't good for the baby." Nabiki sneered.
"Why can't I be an only child?" Kasumi sighed.
"Why cant *I*?" Nabiki shrugged. Then something really weird happened, she suddenly felt very ill. "Wow . . ." She frowned. "That's not good . . ." She grumbled.
"What?" Kasumi demanded.
"I think I have to throw up." Nabiki said it as an observation.
"That's not funny." Kasumi sighed.
"I'm eh . . . not joking." Nabiki grumbled, and she really wasn't.
Kasumi had a strange grin on her face, then she started to laugh sinisterly. Nabiki wasn't an idiot she knew what her sister found so funny.
"Oh shut up!" She growled. "One time! It was just one time, I'm fine! It's your cooking that's got me ready to turn my stomach inside out!"
"Oh you take that back!" Kasumi protested.
"Can't-gotta puke blood-see ya!" Nabiki lunged for the sink.
"No! Not the sink!" Kasumi protested, too late. "At least leave the water running! Oh I'm not cleaning this up . . . you didn't eat any of Akane's cooking did you? Hey, is that a french-fry?"
"Shut-up!"
"Nabiki, do you know what irony is? Or would this fall under poetic justice? I confuse the two so often. Maybe Karma?"
"When I'm-finished, you-DIE!" Nabiki
To Be Continued . . .
Next Chapter . . .
"Is that a fact?" Nabiki raised an eyebrow. "I'm missing school and having premarital sex, I think the boy has me hell bound!"
"Yes! And he's so nice, and polite and handsome don't you think?"
"Do you have a crush on my boyfriend?" Nabiki demanded icily.
"Eh no . . . just . . . eh remember that the next time he talks to you." Akane began to cry. "And remember how much your sisters care about you!"
Note, I wasn't trying to make Nodoka a whore, she's just sort of having a mid-life crisis and needs to feel sexy. I mean, c'mon, take a look at her, not bad eh? She's got nothing on Kasumi of course (She might contend with Nabiki if Nabiki were late thirties/early forties), but she could pass for Ranma's older sister. Now look at Genma, or even Soun. They look their age. First I saw Ranma I thought Soun was his father, Genma was his grand father and Akane was his sister.
Charlotte's Web
Chapter 22
The RETURN of Hand Lotion!
(Whap, crack, punch, BAM!)
Er . . . The Return of Han Lo-Chun
Nodoka shook her head ruefully. Now Akane was probably telling everyone at school that Nabiki was pregnant, even if it were true it'd be a disaster. Soun hadn't been very comforted by the news that his children continued to live because now he had a hair cut . . . and a bad one at that, it looked as if some one had put a bowl over his head and shaved everything else away. Still had his mustache, but he was still none too pleased with the change.
Nodoka didn't blame him, she found him significantly less attractive now, one of the reasons she was getting bored with Genma was his hair . . . 'What have I become?' She wondered absently.
"I have this plan," Soun was saying. "A little boy told me that if I play music the ship would go faster, so I've obtained a radio and a CD through means I don't feel I should tell you, it's just too painful."
"Okay . . . cant we just enjoy our two weeks? We know the girls are fine and that Ranma and Akane haven't killed each other yet since it was Akane who answered the phone." Genma said.
"I thought it was ONE week!" Soun cried. Genma shook his head. "Yeah, well maybe everything is fine, but I paid a high price for this radio and I plan to use it!" Soun cried.
"You could use it all you wanted if we moved to Hawaii." Nodoka noted.
"Are you still going on about that?" Soun and Genma groaned in once voice.
"That's right!" Nodoka cried. "And I'll *be* going on about it until you give in! Just remember, I'm your only source of physical pleasure!"
"I've spent years apart from you!" Genma cried.
"I've er . . . never slept with you . . . ever . . . it's true!" Soun said feebly. Genma nodded.
"Yeah! Hey . . . wait am I missing something? You had a sign and . . . and then you two were . . . and . . . it's all coming together!" WHAP! Nodoka whacked him with the hilt of her katana, his eyes crossed. "Err . . . what was I talking about?"
"Do you have to keep doing that?" Soun asked her. "I think it's actually helping him figure it out."
"You want some of this?" She threatened.
He put his hands in the air in submission.
"Now you, play your stupid radio but you'll find we move no faster. And you," she pointed at Genma, "get me something to drink . . . and something to eat . . . and maybe something for desert. Meanwhile *I* will be seeing if they sell any tote bags large enough to fit several of those nifty bath robes in."
"My wife the thief." Genma sighed.
"My wife the cruel." The ship captain added.
"My wife the whore." The first mate said.
"My wife the corpse." Soun shrugged. They stared at him. "What? I couldn't just say nothing, c'mon!"
"What the heck are you two doing in this cabin?" Nodoka asked.
"We heard you needed the ship to go faster. Well for a price we can make it so." The captain said.
"Oh really?" Nodoka's eyes narrowed. If the trend of things held . . . "You want sex don't you!" She accused.
They looked taken aback. "Well no," the captain said, "We were going to ask that you burn that CD in the fires of hades, but now that you've offered I cant get it out of my mind so-yeah, that's our price." The captain shrugged.
"I still want the CD destroyed." The first mate said, the captain slapped him. "Er . . . right sir."
"That's it! There *is* a sign, isn't there? Where is it!" Nodoka ranted for a moment then regained her composure. "I've got a better idea." Nodoka said. "You can make this ship go faster, or . . ." she waved her katana. "I can make you both women and you won't be needing any sex from me."
"Number one . . . full speed ahead!" The captain said with some sort of dignity, then both he and the first mate ran for dear life.
Nabiki opened her eyes slowly, assaulted by sunlight she covered her eyes and growled. She was a little reluctant to wake, after all sleep felt so good. But as all good things it had come to its end.
She looked around and realized Ryoga was nowhere to be found, she scowled and cursed him for
wandering off.
She decided the best course of action would be to roll out of bed, hit her head of the floor and wake up. But that always hurt so much. Oh well, on three . . . one . . . two . . . screw it, she decided to go back to sleep.
"Oh Akane, that's a terrible thing to say!" Kasumi cried from downstairs. Nabiki was fully awake.
"But you told auntie Nodoka so why cant I tell Dr. Tofu?" Akane cried.
"I told her what?" Kasumi yelped. "I haven't even spoken to her . . . have I?"
"She said you told father and he told her." Akane said.
"Oh . . . well yes I might have said that to father. Oh well, I guess that's okay, this is the sort of thing Father needs to know. But really Akane, don't go telling everyone!"
"But Dr. Tofu is a close friend of the family!" Akane protested. Nabiki emerged from her room to see what the commotion was about. As soon as she walked in everyone was quiet.
"Er . . . good morning Nabiki!" Kasumi said cheerfully.
"Hello." Tofu said. "Say hello, Betty." There was a pause . . . "Really, you could say it with a bit more enthusiasm." Tofu sighed.
"Hi sis!" Akane cried.
"Did you just call me 'sis'?" Nabiki demanded.
"Er . . . yes?"
"You're up to something, arent you?" She accused. "Don't ever do it again." Nabiki warned. "Has anyone seen Ryoga?"
"Oh-ho. Got something really important you need to tell him huh?" Akane grinned.
"What? Why are you grinning at me?"
"Ryoga went to use the bathroom and we got a call from Kodachi saying that he'd ended up at her place, so we sent Ranma to go get him."
"Curse him!" Nabiki scowled. She looked at her family, plus Tofu. "What were you talking about?" She asked.
"Eh . . . nothing." Kasumi said.
"You were talking about something." Nabiki said.
"Nothing at all." Kasumi said, there was a "BING" sound. "Oh! The cookies!" Kasumi rushed off.
"Saved by the bell." Nabiki chuckled. She turned on Akane. "C'mon, what did Auntie Nodoka tell you?"
Akane beamed. "She told me about the baby!" She cried.
Nabiki blinked. "What baby? Nodoka isn't having another kid is she?"
Akane grinned again, Nabiki wanted to end that forever but couldn't think of any remark snide enough, this grin was just too powerful. It was the one she wore when she thought she was incredibly smart, or most recently smarter than Ranma. "Don't play dumb Nabiki! We all know that yo-" Kasumi was in the room in a second, her hand over Akane's mouth.
"That you know already." She said quickly. "After all, you know everything!"
"I used to think that too!" Nabiki exclaimed. "Now I'm not so sure!"
"Mwe mwall mow! Myogma mows moo!" Akane cried through Kasumi's hand, Kasumi stomped on her toe, how unlike Kasumi.
Dr. Tofu didn't seem to be affected by any of this, he just sipped a cup of tea and had a private conversation with his skeleton, Betty.
Nabiki was starting to become confused, and that was something she simply wouldn't allow, it was not meet for Nabiki Tendo to be confused about anything . . . wait, what did 'meet' mean? Curses! She was more confused than she thought! She made an orderly retreat into the kitchen, and listened to the others speak in hushed tones, obviously underestimating her hearing.
"What did you do that for?" Akane demanded.
"We can't let her know we know!" Kasumi whispered. "She might panic, just think how she'd react if she found out that uncle Saotome and father know too!"
"She should be thrilled!" Akane cried.
"I wouldn't be." Tofu noted.
"Well you wouldn't have to worry about it now would you?" Akane chuckled.
"How did Ryoga take the news?" Kasumi whispered.
"He was ecstatic!" Akane said defensively.
So . . . Ryoga knew . . . whatever this was, if Ryoga was in on it why wasn't Nabiki? Well it didn't matter, she supposed she could just get it out of him later. Those cookies were all alone, all defenseless . . . "eat us! Just one of us! A little one!" they cried. Nabiki was happy to oblige.
Akane pouted and Kasumi scolded her some more. "Think about it Akane, she hasn't told *us* and we're her sisters! She hasn't even told Ryoga, the likely father, what does that tell you?"
"Er . . . it's a surprise?" Akane offered.
"Ryoga might not be the father!" Kasumi hissed.
"No, don't say that, that's mean." Akane said. "Nabiki wouldn't cheat on . . . no wait . . ."
"Or perhaps she's not pregnant at all, perhaps this is all a misunderstanding." Tofu offered. Hah! From the mouths of babes . . .
Who ever listens to a baby? "You're nuts!" Akane cried. "If Kasumi says it is so, father says it is so and Nodoka says it is so then it must be so!"
"I didn't say it was so!" Kasumi said.
"Yes you did! You just don't remember!" Akane protested. "Anyway I say its so, so it's still so!"
"Stop saying 'so'!" Kasumi growled.
"YYYEEEOOOWWW!" Nabiki shouted from the kitchen. "You little liars tricked me!"
"Oh my, she found the cookies, I told them not to say anything!" Kasumi frowned. Akane and Tofu both looked at her. "What? I better go, you know how she gets when snacks fight back."
Akane had a flashback to when they were just little girls, Nabiki had got her hand stuck in a snack jar because she wouldn't let go of the handful of candy she'd grabbed. Akane had been going through her tattling phase, and Kasumi was in the "I'm the mommy" phase that she really never did get out of. The result was father coming home and catching her and sending her to her room, but not before she got down on her knees, raised her arms in the air and shouted to the heavens:
"CURSE YOU SNACKS! CCCCCCUUUUUURRRRRRSSSSSSEEEEEE YYYYOOOOOUUUUUU!"
"You'd better go save her." Akane nodded but Kasumi was already gone. Dr. Tofu shook his head and sighed. "Y'see? I was right." Akane said.
"Hmm? How so?"
"She's eating uncontrollably, she's probably in her seventh month or something."
"They said they were cooled!" Nabiki protested from the kitchen.
"Uncontrollably you say?" Tofu raised an eyebrow. "One cookie Akane, just one, isnt a sign of an uncontrollable eater, and if she were in her seventh month she wouldnt look anorexic! The cookie proves noting."
"But it DOES!" Akane cried.
"She's *always* sneaking something out of the kitchen, you've said so yourself." The young doctor sighed. "I actually want to know where she puts it all!" He patted his stomach. "If I had her metabolism I could probably eat more of Kasumi's cooking and maybe Kasumi would be so impressed she'd let me-"
"They said they were soft and gooey!" Nabiki continued. "It's not that they lied so much that they *spoke* that bothers me!" She cried.
"Yes, well I told them not to talk." Kasumi was sighing.
"*Why* were they talking!" Nabiki demanded.
"Don't worry about that, why don't you go run your hand under some warm water?"
"See?" Akane chuckled. "She's hearing things, that means she's pregnant."
"If you say so." Tofu said. "But I really don't think that's an actual symptom of pregnancy, a lapse of memory or perhaps violent mood swings, but not this. Also she doesn't look pregnant."
"That's because she just started having sex with Ryoga a few days ago." Akane nodded.
"Then it's impossible to know, it'd be a couple weeks before you'd know for sure." Tofu said. "And if my memory of 'Look Who's Talking' serves me right she should be throwing up."
"Well why don't you give her a physical and find out?"
"Kasumi? Physical? Oh I'd love too!" Tofu wept.
"I meant Nabiki."
"Oh . . . sorry I'm not that sort of doctor." Tofu sighed.
"But you were going to do it to Kasumi!"
"Ahem. *Not* that sort of doctor." Tofu repeated.
Ryoga and Ranma walked back to the Tendo training hall slowly, Ryoga resisted the urge to attack the arrogant boy as he walked along his favorite fence. "So . . . how're things?" Ranma asked at last.
"What? Fine I guess." Ryoga grumbled. Was Ranma . . . making conversation?
"Oh yeah? That's cool . . ." Ranma paused, then finally he said with a chuckle, "I really feel sorry for that baby. With you as his's father he'll never find his way out of Nabiki."
"Who told you?" Ryoga demanded, kicking the fence, Ranma leapt gracefully away and landed right behind the surprised and enraged boy.
"Aww c'mon pall, I heard Akane tell you. The walls are paper-thin. That said, when did you 'an Nabiki even do it? I mean gosh I didn't hear a thing. Azusa is gonna be heart broken . . . Ryoga you player." Ranma grinned.
"Shut up." Ryoga scowled. "You're the one with the harem."
Ranma shrugged in as close to an apology as he really came in this sort of situation. "Okay, I'm sorry." Ranma didn't really sound sincere. "Look, I was holding that crack about the baby in all day! Now admit it was a good one! C'mon!"
"If it weren't rude, uncalled for and at my expense I might have found it amusing." Ryoga allowed. "Can't you make up some jokes about Mousse? Why is it always me?"
"I do make up jokes 'bout Mousse, yer just to stiff ta ever get 'em." Ranma chuckled, Ryoga scowled.
The next few days passed by uneventfully, Nabiki was getting truly annoyed. Ryoga had proven to be a terrible source of information, in fact he had her asking herself even more questions now.
Everyone was acting very strangely, all she had to do was walk into a room and the conversation ended, which of course led her to believe that these conversations were about her.
It was really frustrating, Akane, not being one for subterfuge was constantly slipping things but none of it made sense. Nodoka had a baby but she wasn't pregnant, everyone was going to move to Hawaii and be rich but they wouldn't be leaving home, and Akane had a strange interest in knowing wether or not Nabiki was throwing up.
"Look, I'm not bulimic or whatever, I don't make myself throw up okay?" Nabiki scowled.
"I don't know what that word means. But you're still really skinny." Akane noted.
"That's right! It's called 'jogging'." Nabiki snapped.
"I don't think you're eating enough. Not a woman in your condition anyway," Akane said. "I'll go make an extra big dinner."
"NO!" Nabiki cried.
That's basically how things were going. Ranma seemed as clueless as she was, but that really wasn't any sort of surprise. Maybe he was just better at playing the fool than Akane, any young man engaged to two beautiful young women (and Akane) would have to be a master of feigned surprise. But the biggest surprise came when Nabiki was trying to sit quietly in the living room.
Why was this surprise so big? Because it was the answer to her question of course. The phone rang and Nabiki answered it.
"Tendo residence, Nabiki speaking, state your business."
"Nabiki? Oh thank heavens you're not Akane!" Nodoka said.
"I know, I feel that way too. You want to talk to Akane?" Nabiki sneered.
"No! She's too excitable!"
"You're telling me!" Nabiki growled.
"Nabiki I have some questions to ask you." Nodoka said.
"Oh joy!" Nabiki said with mock enthusiasm. "I'm waving a flag, auntie!" She scowled.
"Uh . . . right. Nabiki, how do you feel about moving to Hawaii and being rich?"
"I like the second half of it."
"The moving part?" Nodoka enthused.
"No, the being rich part, why would I want to move anywhere?" Nabiki asked.
"Because we've got some choice land in Hawaii near a beach and . . . never mind. Anyway Nabiki, are you seeing that Ryoga boy?"
"No I'm seeing that Ryoga, girl." Nabiki growled. "Who told you this?"
"It doesn't matter. Nabiki, you know you can tell your auntie anything right?"
"Since when?"
"Since forever. Are you sexually active." Nodoka asked simply.
Well that was sort of a shock. It really wasn't any of her business! "Yeah." Nabiki said. "Now that you mention it, I'm having sex right now. G'bye auntie, I'm about to climax!"
"That's not funny Nabiki!" Nodoka groaned. "Your twelve! I don't even want to imagine you-Eew!"
"I'm not twelve! I'm seventeen, and I'm eighteen in just a little while longer!"
"Oh . . . well still, That's disgusting!"
"You asked a disgusting question." Nabiki hissed.
"Fair enough. Nabiki, are you pregnant?"
"No."
"Oh . . . well then . . . never mind."
"Who told you I was?" Nabiki demanded. She had just gotten the last piece of a puzzle, she was sure of it, now all that remained was to put that puzzle together.
"Hmm? No one."
"C'mon! Tell me auntie! You'll be my favorite auntie!"
"Oh . . . well it's complicated, I don't know every detail but apparently Kasumi told your father you were sleeping with Ryoga-"
"I'll kill her!" Nabiki yelped.
"Which he then believed meant you were pregnant, and I asked Akane if you were to get confirmation and she misunderstood and believed that I was *telling* her that you were pregnant when in fact it was a question."
"So that's what's been going on here!" Nabiki scowled. "Just wait till I see Akane again, I'm going to make her pay through the nose!"
She hung up on Nodoka who screamed "Don't hang-"
Nabiki laughed wickedly, evil thoughts danced through her head. "Oh my . . . who to trick first . . . why not all of them at once?" She whispered to herself. She grinned from ear to ear, it'd been a while since she'd had some *real* fun!
"Akane! Kasumi! Ranma! Ryoga! Come down here, there's something really important I want to tell . . . oh . . . eh okay . . ." in an instant everyone was sitting right in front of her listening attentively, except Ryoga who was P-Chan dangling from Ranma's hand, teeth dug in suggesting they'd been fighting again.
"Everyone . . ." Nabiki said dramatically. "I've assembled you all here to tell you something that I suspect you already know . . . a truth I can deny no longer!" She said, throwing in mock tears for effect.
"Yes?" Akane eagerly leaned closer.
"It's gonna to be quick right?" Ranma yawned. Akane smacked him.
"Go ahead." Kasumi said, in her typical 'motherly' voice. "We all love you, no matter what."
'To bad, 'cause I *hate* you.' Nabiki thought, holding back the smile that wanted to dance over her lips and trying to keep her face grave. "I . . . I am . . . I'm going to have a baby!" She said.
Kasumi gasped in mock surprise, Akane clapped her hands and squealed. "I knew it! I knew it!" She giggled.
"Wow . . ." Ranma said in shock. "I thought it was just a joke, I mean yer so much skinnier than Akane!" Akane was too busy jumping up and down to punish him for that remark. Ranma lifted his hand and gave Ryoga a lazy, uncaring look. "Ya dirty pig." He chuckled. Really, Nabiki felt he was taking this better than anyone else, Akane was ecstatic, Kasumi was trying to hide her disapproval and Ryoga just started going into death rolls and trying to rip Ranma's hand off.
At about that time Akari was speaking to an assembly of other insane Ryoga fanatics, the fan club, Azusa, and a few others. Among the rabble was the assassin, she looked very cross, Akari ignored this. "Now listen up, our objective is to kidnap Nabiki Tendo, and hide her in the last place Ryoga would ever look, and eventually he'll just forget about her and we can go back to the way things were!"
"When you say kidnap . . . you mean kill?" Lotion asked.
"I don't mean kill."
"And by don't . . . you mean do?" Lotion pressed.
"No! You're not to harm her . . . physically. You can insult her if you like, break her, make her a fragile little doll so I can smash her spirit!"
"But the scrolls said we should praise her and accept her as our leader!" One of the girls from the
fan club said.
"The scrolls made a mistake, you're supposed to praise me and accept me as your leader, only I
can be Ryoga's wife!"
"That's right! You're so little and cute, you'd make a perfect wife!" Azusa cried.
"Well . . . thank you-" Akari began but Azusa cut her off.
"You're going to be Azusa's little Charlamay, that's who you are!"
"Oh god no!" Akari groaned.
"And by no . . . you mean yes?" Lotion asked.
"Gah! Just go kidnap Nabiki!"
"Right on." Lotion said. "By kidnap . . . you mean murd-"
"Don't hurt her!" Akari scowled, trying to wrestle Azusa off of her. "Get off me! Don't you have a home?"
"Yes! And you're going to come there with Azusa!"
"Don't you mean, "go there"?" Akari frowned.
"No, Azusa meant what Azusa said."
There was an awkward silence . . . finally Akari groaned. "Ewe!"
Lotion started to laugh, Cologne-whom Akari hadn't even noticed was in attendance-found it pretty funny too.
Everyone was silent now. It wasn't the grand reaction Nabiki had expected from them, if she were really pregnant she might resent that. "Well?" she pressed. "What do you think?"
"Well . . ." Kasumi said slowly.
"I knew it!" Akane beamed. Nabiki resisted the urge to lunge forward and strangle her sister.
"The . . . eh . . . father?" Kasumi asked.
"My darling Ryoga." Nabiki said, winking at the pig. Ranma chuckled when P-Chan's grip suddenly went limp and the pig fell to the floor unconscious.
"I don't know why he reacted that way, he already knew." Akane sighed.
"Maybe he was in denial." Kasumi frowned.
"He takes good news so well." Ranma grinned.
"Who said it was good news?" Nabiki asked, deciding to put an evil spin to this. Who needed soap operas? They could burn in TV hades, Nabiki was about to make the stage performance of a life time. "I . . . may not . . . keep the baby." She pretended to force the words out through an imaginary lump in her throat.
"WHA!" Ranma yelped.
"You can't be serious!" Akane gasped.
"Ryoga and I aren't married, and we don't have any means to raise a child." Nabiki said. "I may have to get rid of it."
"Get rid of it?" Akane growled. "My little niece? Oh no you don't!"
"Nephew, and yeah!" Ranma added. "Ya can't just go and do that, that'd be bad, if you can get laid you can deal with the consequences! Ya can't just put this kid up fer adoption just like that!"
"I'll remind you of that when *you* get pregnant Ranko." Nabiki said acidly. "And I am *not* talking about adoption. I speak of the other-unmentionable option."
Everyone went silent. So Nabiki continued. "You see, I just don't have the money, I can't afford a child. If only I'd saved the money I'd made this school year maybe . . ."
"If money is what you need, we'll help you!" Akane cried. Nabiki had to fight her grin. Oh they were playing right into her hands. Sweet! Too sweet even!
"Hey! Hey wait a minute, are we forgetting who we're talking to?" Ranma protested.
"My poor pregnant sister!" Akane cried. "How can we not help her in her time of need? She'd do the same for us!"
"If this were Kasumi I'd agree with you." Ranma said.
"Hey!" Kasumi protested.
"Hey!" Nabiki agreed.
"But this is *Nabiki* we both know what she's famous for!" Ranma continued.
"Ice cream eating record?" Akane frowned.
"Incredible figure considering holding the ice cream eating record?" Kasumi scratched her head.
"No wait! I know! She's famous for being my big sister!" Akane cried.
"I thought that was what *I* was famous for!" Kasumi whined.
"You're both wrong! Really wrong! Way off! She's Nabiki Tendo! C'mon! She's famous fer tricking people and getting their money, renowned fer her creativity in her plots! We're dealin' with Nabiki Tendo, the cold
hearted!"
"Well parenthood can change a person Ranma, all I'm concerned about now is little Ranko." Nabiki said with crocodile tears in her eyes. "I was going to name her after *you*, uncle Ranma, since you've got a male and female name. Ranma, Ranko, either way works." She tried.
Ranma melted. "I . . . er . . . eh . . . that's so sweet!" He wept.
"Besides! *Your* friend knocked her up so *you* can help!" Akane sneered.
"My friend? Did you miss the whole "bread feud" thing?" Ranma demanded.
Kasumi just shook her head as if she wasn't quite sure what to do. Akane grabbed Ranma and P-Chan and shoved them towards the wash room. "Go wake up the father and we'll have a big family conference. Right Kasumi?"
Kasumi shrugged. "Right. You go too Akane, try to keep them from killing each other." When they were gone Kasumi looked up at Nabiki.
"You know when Akane told me I wasn't sure if you were pregnant or not." Kasumi said. "When you confessed I believed it, but now, with you trying to make money off it . . . I know you're lying."
"Well I wish that were true." Nabiki sniffed. "If only I could *afford* to keep the baby!" She began to weep.
"Nabiki, are you actually going to try to make money off of this? A prank like this could give father a heart attack, or worse!"
"Aw daddy isn't that old, he'll be fine."
"If you won't think about us, then think about Ryoga's feelings!"
Nabiki blinked. "Why?"
Kasumi stared at her for a second. "What do you mean, 'why'? Because the poor boy will think he's the father!"
"But he *is* the father." Nabiki grinned.
"Of an imaginary child!" Kasumi said with one of those rare hints of annoyance in her voice.
"I'll thank you not to talk about my little Ranko like that."
"Nabiki . . . how could you?" Kasumi shook her head in disappointment.
"Kasumi . . . how could I not?" She asked. "This is what I live for, this is who I *am*? if you couldn't accept that when I was born you should have petitioned god for another sister."
"I did, and I got Akane." Kasumi chuckled, then became serious again. Kasumi shook her head. "Some times I wonder if this is really my family."
"Don't worry." Nabiki said, patting her sister on the shoulder. "I wonder the same thing too. Hey look, I'm just going to have fun with this for a little while okay? This is what Akane gets for going and believing I'd be stupid enough to get pregnant with *Ryoga's* child! Of all people!"
"Beg pardon? Whose child were you planning on having?" Kasumi demanded, Nabiki ignored her.
"Besides, I can smell yen on Akane and Ranma, yen that they just don't need. Keep quiet and I'll cut you in for twenty percent." She offered.
"No, this is going to far, this isn't funny." Kasumi warned.
"Sure it is!" Nabiki grinned. "C'mon, laugh." Her grin became a scowl, "Who told father I was with Ryoga in the first place huh? Really funny sister dear."
"I didn't-"
"C'mon Kasumi, didn't you feel all warm and squishy inside when I told you?"
"From the time you told me until the point when you said you weren't going to keep the baby, yes.I don't know what's wrong with Akane, but anyone who knows you knows that if you weren't going to keep that imaginary baby you'd keep quiet about it and tell no one."
Nabiki nodded, acknowledging this as truth. Actually she didn't know how she'd react, and she didn't appreciate Kasumi making assumptions, especially assumptions that sounded so true.
"And you're going to tell Ryoga it's a prank before he does something stupid." Kasumi warned.
"Like what?" Nabiki scowled. "You think he'd leave me?" She asked, honestly wanting Kasumi's opinion but it came out sarcastic. All things considered, roles reversed she'd leave Ryoga and get some other girlfriend who wasn't knocked up.
"No, I'm afraid he'll do something more along the lines of proposing to you." Kasumi said.
Nabiki shrugged. "Maybe I'll wait until he does, just to see how much I'm worth to him y'know?"
"If you don't tell him, I will." Kasumi warned. "Pregnancy, especially a fake pregnancy can ruin a person's life-I cant tell you how many times it's ruined mine, oh wait-I can: TWICE when I got two insane younger sisters!"
"If he gets me some crappy ring I'll laugh and tell him it was a joke." Nabiki assured her sister.
"And break his poor heart." Kasumi frowned.
"Heck, if the ring is expensive enough, and I know he really does care maybe I'll-" Nabiki tried to ignore her older sister.
"Nabiki!" Kasumi gasped.
"What?" She frowned.
"You can't be serious!"
"Why not?" Nabiki frowned. "Maybe it'll be fun to get married."
"You're seventeen! You wouldn't even be able to drink on your honeymoon."
"Oh like that'd stop me. Besides, alcohol isn't good for the baby." Nabiki sneered.
"Why can't I be an only child?" Kasumi sighed.
"Why cant *I*?" Nabiki shrugged. Then something really weird happened, she suddenly felt very ill. "Wow . . ." She frowned. "That's not good . . ." She grumbled.
"What?" Kasumi demanded.
"I think I have to throw up." Nabiki said it as an observation.
"That's not funny." Kasumi sighed.
"I'm eh . . . not joking." Nabiki grumbled, and she really wasn't.
Kasumi had a strange grin on her face, then she started to laugh sinisterly. Nabiki wasn't an idiot she knew what her sister found so funny.
"Oh shut up!" She growled. "One time! It was just one time, I'm fine! It's your cooking that's got me ready to turn my stomach inside out!"
"Oh you take that back!" Kasumi protested.
"Can't-gotta puke blood-see ya!" Nabiki lunged for the sink.
"No! Not the sink!" Kasumi protested, too late. "At least leave the water running! Oh I'm not cleaning this up . . . you didn't eat any of Akane's cooking did you? Hey, is that a french-fry?"
"Shut-up!"
"Nabiki, do you know what irony is? Or would this fall under poetic justice? I confuse the two so often. Maybe Karma?"
"When I'm-finished, you-DIE!" Nabiki
To Be Continued . . .
Next Chapter . . .
"Is that a fact?" Nabiki raised an eyebrow. "I'm missing school and having premarital sex, I think the boy has me hell bound!"
"Yes! And he's so nice, and polite and handsome don't you think?"
"Do you have a crush on my boyfriend?" Nabiki demanded icily.
"Eh no . . . just . . . eh remember that the next time he talks to you." Akane began to cry. "And remember how much your sisters care about you!"