Disclaimer: I don't own Ranma 1/2 or Charlotte's Web (the book) I don't own CPS
A/N: But I own Charlotte's Web the fan fiction, wouldn't it be grand if it became a spin off of the Ranma 1/2 TV series?
Charlotte's Web
Chapter 23
"Is It Real?"
***
It was a dark, dark night. There was no electricity in the little mobile home, Nabiki lit a candle and her five children huddled around it. "What's for dinner ma?" One of them asked, she wasn't sure what it's name was or what gender it was.
"Corn." Nabiki said, opening a can of corn and cooking it over the candle.
"Is it Christmas?" One of her daughters gasped. "A whole can 'o corn!?"
"Damned if I know, now eat yer vittles and go to sleep." She scowled.
The children ate. Nabiki smoked a cigarette, this was, for all of them, a feast. "Please mother, I want some more."
"Shut up Oliver, we ain't got no more food!"
"Cant daddy buy more food?"
"I'm still trying to figure out who he is." Nabiki admitted.
"Why do our lives suck so much?" another child asked.
"'Cause for once I cant afford nothin' but corn, candles and cigarettes." Nabiki scoffed.
"Wouldn't we save money on candles if you just bought a flash light?"
"We're saving! Got it sweetie? We're saving." Nabiki assured the child.
"Why does god hate us mommy?" Another child asked.
"It all started when I got together with that Ryoga guy–I think he fathered a good half of ya–and pretended I was pregnant and then I was and BOOM! I'm cursed! I get pregnant even without male assistance! That thar God don't like heathen liars, now y'all say yer prayers and go to sleep."
"Gee ma, will we ever get out 'o this stinkin' mobile home?"
"Of course, CPS will find out about you kids one of these days. Even if they don't, once I get all y'all married off you'll be out 'o my hair."
"Married off . . . to other people right?" Oliver asked, looking at his sisters and shuddering.
"Beggars cant be choosers, Oliver-I mean *yes* "to other people" ya darned fool!"
***
"AAAHHH!" Nabiki woke up, soaked with sweat. She looked around, spied P-Chan on her pillow and smacked him. "Jerk!" She cried.
"Ernk?" The little pig grunted.
"Don't play dumb with me!" Nabiki cried. "You son of a-"
"Nabiki! What's wrong?" Akane asked, running into the room.
"Don't ya ev-I mean don't *you* ever knock?" Nabiki scowled.
"I thought my poor pregnant sister was in trouble!" Akane protested.
"No I just had a bad dream! And I'm not--" Nabiki scowled, almost revealing her secret. "I . . . I mean go away and don't come back! No matter what you think you hear!"
"Oh . . . *oh*! Right. Gotcha." Akane winked.
"I didn't mean it like that! Oh jeez just go away!" Nabiki moaned.
Downstairs Kasumi was reading up on Nabiki's . . . condition. "It says here that a pregnant woman might experience violent mood swings." She told Akane.
Nabiki glared at they boy trapped in the body of a little black piglet. "This is all *your* fault." She grumbled.
"Ernk?" P-Chan blinked.
Nabiki had a sudden and violent mood swing. "Oh Ryoga! How can I be so cruel! I don't mean those things! I really do love you so much!" She threw her arms around the little pig, which was now very confused.
"Ernk?"
"Don't be that way!" She shouted, shoving the pig away. "I hate you!" She hissed.
"An increase in appetite?" Akane piped in.
"I'm hungry! I could eat a horse!" Nabiki yelped.
"Yes," Kasumi nodded "but only for particular things." She said.
"Huh?"
"That means she will get cravings for certain things, not just anything."
"Make that, a *chocolate* horse." Nabiki informed Ryoga.
"And she will instinctively send the father to fetch these things for her, it's one of those built in instincts of nature." Kasumi read.
"Find me a Chocolate horse!" Nabiki yelled, throwing Ryoga out the window with a surprised:
"KKKEEEEE! ? ! ? !"
Then another mood swing. "Oh! I'm so sorry honey! Are you okay? I didn't mean to throw you so far sweetie!"
"Oh!" Kasumi said. "And of course, mild morning illness."
"It's not even morning yet!" Nabiki screamed, running for the bathroom. "Ryoga I hate you!" She threw up. "I don't mean that! I love you!" Threw up again. "I hate you! I'll torment you for life!
Just wait until I tell everyone I'm not pregnant!" Threw up again "'Cause I'm really not!" Again. "I . . . I think . . ."
So as Ryoga the little piglet went off to search for a chocolate horse in a waking/sleeping stage, Nabiki hurled her guts out and Kasumi and Akane read up on how to be good aunts, Hand Lotion crept stealthily into the Tendo compound.
"Don't kill, don't kill, don't kill." She reminded herself. She crept up the wall using suction cups that made a silly POP sound whenever she took a step, it made the Amazon assassin giggle whenever they did it. It really killed any chance of stealth, but it amused her. "Do not kill, do not kill, do kill, do kill do-D'oh! Don't kill! Don't kill!" She saw a lawn gnome in the neighbor's yard and threw a dagger at it "Hahah! Take that!" She fell from the suction cups and hit the ground with a groan.
She jumped up an instant latter. "Don't kill! Don't kill! Don't kill!" She shuffled back up the wall and leapt into Nabiki's room. "Take that!" She cried, throwing a knife at the door. "Hahah-oops! Don't kill, don't kill, don't kill!" She hit her head on the wall. She tromped around, using her super acute tracking skills to find Nabiki. "Hey Tendo girls! Where is your sister?" She asked Kasumi and Akane.
"Bathroom." They said together, not lifting their eyes from the book they shared.
Lotion snuck stealthily to the bathroom and barged in figuring Nabiki would have nothing she hadn't seen before. She was wrong.
Nabiki was throwing up into the sink again, and Lo-Chun had lived an unnaturally sheltered life, she never saw another woman throw up, it seemed so alien to her. Like the movie with a similar title when the little snake thing burst out of the guy's er . . . arm. (Yeah. That's it. No copyright infringement for me!) Now men threw up all the time, to keep their weight down so they'd be attractive to their women, because they had self esteem issues-really a man shouldn't have self esteem at all-but never had a woman done it!
"Wow . . . you are really sick." Lotion noted.
"No . . ." Nabiki gasped in mock disbelief. "You think?" She scowled and threw up again.
"Oh-ho. Well I am The Great Amazonian Warrior Han Lo-Chun!"
"That's great. A friend of Shampoo's are you?"
"Eh . . . yes. Yes I am, now Shampoo and I would love it if you'd come with me and we can go have a night out on the town. Just us girls."
"Shampoo must be stoned, she and I have never been more than acquaintances and she knows it!." Nabiki threw up again, with that simple statement Lo-Chun felt she'd lost all chance of out smarting this young woman that way. New method . . .
"Oh-ho . . ." she said again. "In that case . . . LOOK BEHIND YOU!"
Nabiki looked at Lo-Chun, and the young Amazon scolded herself again since *she* was standing behind Nabiki.
"Gah! I mean look in front of you!" (WHAP) "Hahah!"
"Ouch! That really hurt! What the heck is wrong with you? I was miserable enough, now I have a headache!" Nabiki groaned.
"She has ungodly powers!" Lo-Chun gasped. She hit Nabiki again, this time the middle Tendo dodged, Lo-Chun thought she was again out matched but had she not been panicking she'd know that Nabiki hadn't dodged on purpose, she'd just gone to throw up some more.
Lotion simply couldn't stand this, so she just grabbed the miserable girl, threw her over her shoulder and ran out the door, the other Tendos were too absorbed in their reading to notice.
Then she reflected, left Nabiki puking her guts out in the front yard and went back inside.
"You!" She said to Akane, "The short unattractive woman, tell Ryoga Hibiki that I've kidnapped his love and he wont ever find her! If he tries to look for her in the places she likes to go he wont find her because she's going to be in a place she doesn't like, and it's because she's been kidnapped! So she wont come home after a few hours, she's mine now and I'll keep her until he marries Akari or until I get bored and kill her, whichever comes first." Lotion said. The girls nodded and waved her away.
"Right, we'll remember that, Ukyo." Akane said.
"Who-key-what? Lotion cried, but then realized getting Nabiki to a good hiding place was far more important.
So she took her to an abandoned house which she'd turned into a hideout after her return to Japan. It had all the modern luxuries, even a Jacuzzi in the back that Lotion loved to death. She wondered why the house's owners had left . . . it couldn't have been the threat of death, she'd only been joking about that. Still, she brought Nabiki there and tied her up and stuff.
Nabiki was asleep, Lotion patted her on the head. "I have a little score to settle with our mutual 'acquaintance' Shampoo, and the old hag, I'll be back to torment you later, sleep well and don't even think about escaping." And with that the nefarious young assassin was off!
***
Nabiki Tendo was cleaning her home for a good ten minutes before she realized she was in black and white. For some reason this didn't seem strange, she noticed it, but that was all. She was cleaning and then her vacuum stopped working. She put her hands on her hips and sighed, but no words escaped her mouth. Then every thing went black and the words "Drat, it's broken again!" appeared.
That's when there was a knock on the door. Nabiki went to answer it, and there stood Kinnosuke dressed up like a vacuum salesman. He opened his mouth and spoke, but again no words or sound escaped his lips. "I have exactly what you need ma'am!" The black screen read.
Nabiki spoke too, the black screen translated her words to "Oh? Is it fully functional?" but what's she'd said was "What the heck are you doing here?"
Reading her lines she gasped and cried out something but it wasn't in the script for her to speak, so the black screen didn't appear. Kinnosuke took a step closer to her and said, "Yes!"
"Is it long, and wide?" Nabiki's little script asked.
His arms went around her, "Yes!"
"Can I have it right now?" She pleaded.
Their faces came to be centimeters from each other, his mint scented breath blew over her face, and he said, "Yes!" He handed her a vacuum. "The X-Brand Glider, it cleans as smoothly as a cloud!"
'As a cloud?' Nabiki thought. But the script called for them to quickly separate, then to smile at the camera and wink. "Thanks X-Brand Glider!" Nabiki said.
***
Nabiki woke up. Blinked. "I don't even want to *know* what *that* was about." She grumbled. "Where am I?"
Shampoo and her great grand mother were standing on a log that crossed over a stream. It was an uncomfortable place to be, but Lotion had chosen it as their meeting place, and despite her opponent's lack of actual skill in *true* combat Shampoo wasn't interested in having anything to do with the assassin, she wasn't afraid of Lotion, the girl was a pipsqueak compared to mighty Shampoo, in fact Mousse could probably take her, it was having to speak to the little twit that drove her crazy! And her annoying habit of coming back for more over and over again until she scored some minor victory which she'd then boast about and blow out of proportion.
Yes, Shampoo had 'lost' to Hand Lotion *once* by sneezing in the middle of the match and rubbing her nose which let Lotion kick her, then rather than deal with Shampoo's retaliation the puny girl had declared victory and run off.
Now Shampoo was almost certain that Lotion wanted to fight over water, she didn't fear her worthless opponent, she just wasn't comfortable with the setting in general.
That's when it happened, Lotion finally arrived. She stalked out onto the log defiantly, in each hand was a long dagger with wicked curved blades. "Shampoo!" She scowled. "Elder!"
"Why have you called us here?" Cologne asked.
"You know why." Lotion scowled.
"You will never measure up to Shampoo." Cologne sighed. "I have things to do."
"I don't care about being her fighting equal anymore old hag, there are more ways than one to be the best." Lotion said, wielding her knives expertly. Of course wielding was about the only thing she was good at, if she didn't have Akane's taste in ingredients she might have made a good cook, but no warrior was she.
"We don't have time for this! You said you had vital information for us, and aren't you supposed to be kidnapping that girl for Akari?" Cologne sighed.
"That's done. And I do have vital information . . . old hag-"
"Stop calling me that, I'd like to see you look half this good at my age-if you live that long." Cologne scowled.
Lotion seemed to grant that, and shook her head. "You tricked me!" She cried.
"I did?"
FLASHBACK
"Please Miss. Amazon Customer, this is training ground of accursed springs, is very dangerous." The silly little man said. Lotion ignored him and leapt onto one of the poles, but unlike all the other fighters she sucked at that sort of thing, slipped right away and was falling. But she took a knife and stabbed it into the pole, halting her fall.
She leapt back up and began jumping around from pole to pole, feeling sure that this test of balance had to be the reason people came here. Actually she found it quite boring. Then suddenly she slipped again, this time she was falling forward, her knives simply wouldn't make contact with anything except the water and-SPLASH!
PRESENT
Cologne rolled her eyes. "Ohy vey!" She sighed. Of course when she'd sent Lotion to the training grounds of accursed springs a few days ago she'd expected this, but not so soon. "Lotion, you really, *really* suck."
"Silence old wench! I may not be a match for you, but I'll take my revenge on you by destroying your star pupil! Shampoo, prepare to die!"
"Star pupil?" Shampoo seemed confused and started looking around for this star pupil Lotion spoke of.
"Did you notice you're not a match for her either?" Cologne offered, Lotion paused to think about this and Shampoo kicked her into the water. "Told you." Cologne sighed. "Really, such a pretty girl, just not so very bright."
But Lotion actually swung around the log and came up landing a few inches in front of Shampoo.
"No!" She cried. "I wont be beaten again!"
"You survived the first blow! You've improved . . . but not much." Cologne said, she poked the outraged silvery haired maiden with her stick and in the drink she went. She didn't come up, Cologne hoped she'd turned into something that didn't know how to swim. "Take a small bit of comfort in knowing that this time it took *two* strikes to get rid of you."
"Great grand mother, Shampoo could have beat her!"
"I know." Cologne said. She buried her face in her hands. "But she called me a hag!"
"She hurt your feelings?" Shampoo frowned.
"What? No, I was holding back laughter, after all I know I'm as beautiful as the day I was born."
"And likely as tall." Mousse said, Cologne scowled and whacked him, she hadn't even noticed he'd come along with her and Shampoo.
Lotion crawled out of the water, and shook herself off. This wasn't good, it'd be hard to explain her presence in the city now, and even harder to turn back, her cloths were ruined and she wasn't going to go around town naked, no matter how voluptuous her body was.
'I'll get you Shampoo! And your little hag too!'
Ryoga got a rather rude awakening, he realized he was lost, this wasn't at all surprising. But he was lost as P-Chan, which complicated things. How could a pig ask for directions? He was so screwed! It was dark, he didn't know which way the Tendo training hall was and worst of all he had the strangest feeling he was supposed to be finding some sort of horse.
But soon enough an enormous shadow loomed over him. While the pig tried to figure out how a shadow can loom in the dark, a large snout came down and Mercedes the dog's terrible breath filled the little pig's nostrils.
'Oh god! Not this!' Ryoga thought.
Suddenly they were running, Ryoga (P-Chan) and Mercedes were having a foot race, the winner got either a nice pork dinner or continued life, Ryoga wanted prize set B.
The enormous dog was fast, but P-Chan was faster. They ran for a good twenty minutes, both were growing tired, after all they were traveling at break-neck speed. Suddenly Ryoga crashed into something big and furry. It was . . . a chocolate horse!
No . . . a Llama! Heck, Nabiki would have to settle for it. The Llama bent it's neck and looked at the little pig in confusion, then the dog and a strange light of understanding shone, suddenly the race had a new contender, P-Chan enjoyed a free ride to nowhere on his large chocolate Llama.
They came to a nice looking house and barged right in, crashed through the gates and all three tumbled into a pool.
No, not a pool, it was warm, it was a Jacuzzi! Ryoga brought his head out of the water and saw Mercedes climbing out. "When are you going to learn I become a human?" He demanded, the dog just whined. Suddenly a new face came out of the water, a white furred demon thing! "AAHHH!" Ryoga yelped.
The young woman parted the hair from her eyes and gave Ryoga a glare that rivaled the ones he gave Ranma.
"Just who do you think you are, running into me like that?" She demanded.
"It wasn't my fault! There was this Llama, and a dog and . . ." He realized that there was no Llama now and this girl with him was very naked. "So . . . eh . . . accursed springs?" He asked.
The woman scowled and got out of the Jacuzzi, she was attractive but Ryoga paid little attention until Mercedes leapt forward and barked at her. She yelped and fell back into the water and into Ryoga's arms. Nabiki came out of the house and sighed. "You again." She said to Mercedes.
"What are you doing?" She asked, then spied Ryoga and the girl. "What are *you* doing?" She growled with an accompanying glare that put Ryoga and Lotion's hardest, most hateful glares to shame.
"It's not what it looks like!" Ryoga said.
"What does it look like?" The girl frowned. "Hey! I tied you up."
Nabiki blinked. "It was you who did that? Well yes, you tied my feet together, but you left my hands free. What kind of idiot are you?"
"Shut up! I don't usually take prisoners, it was a new experience for me!"
"Still . . ." Nabiki shook her head. "You kidnap me, tie me up *badly* and then fool around with my boyfriend?" She raised an eyebrow. "I'm very tempted to kick your butt."
"I was doing no such thing!" The girl cried. "And you'd be hard pressed to defeat me in battle! I am the feared assassin Hand Lotion-er I mean Han Lotion-gah! Stupid foreigners! My name is Han Lo-Chun!"
Nabiki blinked. "Really . . . well . . ." She looked at Mercedes. "I'm tempted to leave you both out here in the cold with him guarding."
"Then we'll just have to have sex to keep up our body heat!" Lotion cried, grabbing Ryoga.
"Actually the water is pretty warm and-"
"Shut up!" She cried.
Nabiki smiled. "Hey Ryoga-honey, does this remind you of anything?"
"No." Ryoga said.
"Let me give you a hint." She whispered. She came over to the Jacuzzi and leaned close to Lotion and Ryoga. She reached behind her back and materialized a pair of pants. "Four thousand yen."
"Oh right. The night I became your unwilling slave." He sighed. "Hey, where do you hide those?" He demanded, remembering the night at Azusa's when she'd materialized an outfit for him.
"None of your darn business, you want them or not?"
"I'll take them!" Lotion cried. "The payment you receive will be your life!"
"Nabiki, I left my wallet in my other pants." Ryoga tried.
"No, you left it in these ones." She assured him, reaching into a pocket Ryoga didn't even know he had and taking out a wallet. She flipped it open. She withdrew it's entire content and then gave him the pants.
"What about me?" Lotion pleaded.
Nabiki thought for a moment. Then materialized a shirt. "Given your height this should cover everything." Nabiki said.
"Are you calling me short?"
"Normally I'd charge two thousand for the shirt, but you tried to fool around with my Ryoga, so six thousand, take it or leave it."
"I have no money!" Lotion cried.
"Then six weeks of slavery." Nabiki said.
"What for?" Ryoga whispered.
"Personal pleasure." Nabiki said, patting him on the shoulder. "She hit me on the head."
"Two weeks!" Lotion cried.
"Six." Nabiki repeated.
"Three!"
"Five."
"Four!"
"Six."
"But you said five!" Lotion pleaded.
"I changed my mind." Nabiki said.
"I'll tell you who sent me, what their plans are and how to stop them!" Lotion cried.
"Akari, steal Ryoga away, and I don't need to know how to stop her because she'll never beat me." Nabiki said. The amazon girl slumped. But then Nabiki's mood seemed to change. "But I don't like the idea of your nudity distracting my boyfriend, so here, consider it a gift." Nabiki said, throwing Lotion the shirt.
"You give gifts?" Ryoga gawked. Nabiki slapped him.
The amazon climbed out of the pool and scowled. "Well you may have enjoyed yourself gazing at my poor, uncovered, undefended body, but next time it will be I who gazes upon *your* uncovered, undefended body! No wait! I don't want that! It will be I who makes you pay for-hey!" Nabiki and Ryoga were walking away. "I'm not done yet! I need to think of something cunning to say!"
"ARF!" Mercedes barked.
"Next time it will be I who is in control and you will beg *me* for clothing! No . . . still not right." Lotion frowned. "Hey don't go!" She pleaded.
The Next Day . . . Nabiki woke up very early, much earlier than everyone else anyway. Besides Kasumi that is.
She was pretty sure she had to be at school but didn't care, there was a lot she had to do today. She went down stairs and found Kasumi serving their guest (Lotion had followed them home, trying to think of something witty to say to them) tea. Hand Lotion was delerious for lack of sleep by now, she was jabbering on and on to Kasumi about the benefits of throwing knives to steak knives.
"The best thing is . . . you can throw them!" She cried.
"Yes, but you don't actually *need* to throw a steak knife, you just cut your steak with it. Though we don't eat a lot of steak in this house, we do have a full set of steak knives."
"But do you throw them?"
"No."
"You should try it." Lotion said, then downed the whole cup of tea.
"Er . . . I'm going out for a bit, I might be back." Nabiki said. Kasumi nodded and Lotion stood up.
"I have it!" Lotion cried. "You may have enjoyed looking at my coloring book! But it will be *I* who colors the final page!" She cried.
Nabiki waited a moment, then decided to humor her. "Oh no! Not that! Oh no!" Nabiki gasped. Lotion smirked, Nabiki then added "But can you color in the lines?"
"WAH!" Lotion wailed and clutched the sides of her head. "Why can't I win? My head hurts! There's an alien in my guts and he's trying to destroy my brain!"
Nabiki backed away slowly, then left. Before she closed the door behind her there was a thump, and Kasumi said "Oh no! You can't sleep there!"
Ryoga woke up a while after Nabiki. It took a moment for him to realize that he was in a closet. He'd never thought his sense of direction so bad that he wouldn't find his way out of a closet but after a few minutes of trying he realized it was very true.
"I'm stuck in the closet." He grumbled. Partially to himself, partially to see if anyone outside the closet would hear him and let him out.
Then he decided it'd be better to find his own way out, he couldn't let Ranma tease him about this.
But alone in the dark trying to find the door knob Ryoga started to do something that he rarely did lately and since a few days ago had tried to avoid doing all together. He began to *think* and it made him uncomfortable.
Nabiki was pregnant and he was apparently the father. She'd get it aborted if they couldn't afford it. The problem here was that Ryoga didn't believe she'd be so open about that, something nagged at him, told him that she was either lying about that or the entire thing in general, and since Akane was so interested in her older sister's love life tricking her into telling Ryoga a lie would be all too easy.
The problem now, Ryoga asked himself if he was thinking of ways to avoid his responsibility.
What was his responsibility? He was still too young to be a father, yet old enough to feel up, then sleep with his rival's fiancée's older sister. Oh great, Rival's fiancée's older sister? He'd just referred to Nabiki in a way similar to the way one refers to that distant relative one only sees at reunions . . . he'd never been to a family reunion, what if Nabiki *was* a distant relative?
And what sort of stories would he tell his children if they ever wanted to know how he and Nabiki met and fell in love? "I met your mum because she was the older sister of my one true love, Insane Old Auntie Akane, you know, that swine Saotome's wife. Anyway she made me her manservant thingy and I boned her and here you are. I'd have driven your mother to the hospital but, well you know how it is with the family sense of direction." Ryoga frowned. Another problem, his sense of direction!
He had to get out of this closet or he'd go insane!
"Where is Ryoga?" Akane wondered.
"Who cares?" Ranma asked.
"Good point . . ." Kasumi said.
"Someone should go find him." Akane said.
Everyone was silent. Finally Ranma threw his fork down. "By "someone" of course ya mean me!"
"If its not too much trouble." Kasumi said.
"Well it is." Ranma noted.
"Oh . . . well then even if it *is* too much trouble." Kasumi smiled.
Ranma sighed and stormed off. He came to the closet and checked it, sure enough Ryoga was in there. "That wasn't so hard." He decided.
"Ranma!" Ryoga yelped. "Perfect! I was hoping I'd catch up to you!"
"I eh . . . found *you*." Ranma frowned.
"I've made a decision!" Ryoga announced. "I had to tell you."
"What's that?" Ranma asked. He didn't really care though.
"I like Akane. Her voice fills my heart with joy, and I want to sing a song to the heavens thanking them for brightening my life with her presence." He said.
"Uh . . . good for you?" Ranma offered.
"I love Nabiki . . . but she fills me with terrible fear. Fear and excitement and I curse the fates! Curse them for making something so obviously evil, yet so incredibly fun!" Ryoga continued.
"That's what it means to be in love." Ranma offered, but he didn't really know or care. "Is that all?"
"Almost done. I like Kasumi, and her cooking fills me with incredible joy. I want to--"
"Yeah yeah, raise a song to the heavens thanking them for country music . . . wait a minute . . . you love Kasumi now too?" Ranma raised an eyebrow.
"No, just her cooking." Ryoga said. "While I was trapped in the closet I realized I was hungry."
"Oh-ho . . ."
"But all these realizations made me realize something else." Ryoga continued.
"What's that?" Ranma was getting bored. No wait . . . bored-er.
"Nabiki is pregnant and I haven't even proposed yet!" Ryoga cried.
"You what!" Ranma yelped. Was Ryoga actually thinking of marrying Nabiki? He was insane!
He'd get shot down like a big yellow hot air balloon with the soviet symbol painted on it floating through American controlled air space!
"I know!" Ryoga misunderstood. "I cant just leave well enough alone! If I'm man enough to *get* her pregnant, then I have to be . . . uh . . ."
"Man enough to deal with your obligation to marry her?"
"Hmm? Yeah, that sounds right." Ryoga nodded.
"And why did you need to tell me this?"
"I was hoping you'd beat the crap out of me, and thus beat some sense into me." Ryoga said.
"Ryoga . . . some times I wanna raise my voice in song to the heavens . . . 'an ask them why I've got idiot friends like you." Ranma sighed.
"No time for singing, I need your help." Ryoga said.
"Well yeah, you definitely need help." Ranma nodded. "Professional help."
"No time for professionals! You'll have to do, c'mon! And don't tell Akane. Or Kasumi."
"You're kidding right?" Ranma raised an eyebrow. He frowned. Ryoga *had* to be kidding. Or insane from hunger, maybe breakfast would straighten him out, and maybe a talk with Kasumi was exactly what he needed . . . Akane might be counter productive . . .
(Ranma's imagination)
Akane: Oh Ryoga! You just have to marry her!
Ryoga: Sure do.
Ranma: Am I the only sane person?
Akane: And once you've married Nabiki, Ranma can marry ME! And we'll all be a big happy family!
Ranma: You mean Ryoga would be my brother?
Akane: Yep.
Ryoga & Ranma: NNNOOOO!!!
(Real world)
"I gotta tell Kasumi, this is something ya gotta talk ta her about first."
"No time." Ryoga said.
"In ancient times a man had ta gain a woman's father's trust and approval, then ask the chick's mom fer her hand in marriage before marrying her, since Tendo aint here, and Kasumi is sort of the motherly figure in this house, you'd best talk to her."
"No time!" Ryoga repeated.
"You got nine months of time, shut yer mouth and let's go talk to Kasumi . . . besides, I want to finish my breakfast." Ranma scowled.
Kasumi took the news of Ryoga's decision in a stoic manner. "NNNNOOOOOO!"
"Why not?" Ryoga frowned.
"Because it means I'll never get to–eh . . . never mind that. Ryoga . . . there is something I need to tell you . . . something . . . terrible." Kasumi said. "You see . . . Nabiki . . . she . . ."
"Is already promised in marriage to Kinnosuke!" Ranma cried. Everyone stared at him.
"Then I'll kill Kinnosuke! And she'll be a widow and eligible for marriage!" Ryoga said.
"Why did you tell him that?" Akane scowled at Ranma.
"I . . . don't know . . ." Ranma admitted. "It was fun though."
Kasumi shook her head. "Ryoga! Sit down!"
"I am sitting." Ryoga said.
"Oh . . . right. Look, Nabiki isn't really pregnant, okay?" Kasumi sighed. She expected Ryoga to be outraged and swear off Nabiki forever, but it had to be done to spare the poor boy's feelings since this was exactly what Kasumi had said would happen and exactly what Nabiki wanted.
"She's not?" He frowned.
"Nope." Kasumi shook her head.
"I knew it." Ranma sneered.
Akane was silent, she looked shocked.
"So . . . can I marry her anyway?" Ryoga asked. Now everyone was silent. Everyone stared. Then Ranma said what Kasumi was too polite to say.
"RYOGA YOU MUST BE SOME KIND'A DROOLING IDIOT!" He cried.
The doctor patted Nabiki on the shoulder. "You'll have to be strong," she said, "because I have good news, and bad news."
"Tell me the bad news first, so the good news can make up for it." Nabiki said.
"Well . . . the bad news is you're not pregnant . . ."
"Really?" Nabiki gasped.
"Yes. But you can easily become preg-"
"That's good news." Nabiki interjected. "I didn't want to be pregnant."
"Oh . . . oh well then I just have good news." The doctor blinked. "You're not pregnant, you just
have a mild and mutated form of cold."
"Cold?" Nabiki raised an eyebrow.
"Yes. But the good news is that this has been seen before in England. Now apparently you will be exhibiting pregnancy symptoms for three weeks exactly. It will stop in exactly three weeks, down to the day."
"Well . . . that's good." Nabiki said.
The doctor nodded. Then frowned. "You're so young." She said. "I hope you'll consider using protection the next time you-"
"Gotta go, see ya!" Nabiki said, jumping off the examination table and rushing out the door.
The doctor frowned. "Wait a moment . . . wasn't there something I was forgetting to tell her? Oh right! I forgot to mention that for the next three weeks she's going to be about as fertile as . . . well . . . a really fertile thing. Oh well, guess I'll just have to remember to tell her if I see her again."
Nabiki was feeling pretty darn good about herself as she walked home. She wasn't pregnant, she was just sick, which meant she also had an excuse for the days of school she'd missed if she was clever enough to find a way to make this illness apply to all of those days. Of course so close to graduation she should probably return to school to make sure she passed with grades good enough to carry her to college . . . strangely now she desired a college that allowed pets . . . more specifically little black piglets.
She got home and everyone was gone, except Akane. "What's up?" Nabiki asked.
"I believedid you Nabiki! I believedid youuu!" Akane wept.
Nabiki raised an eyebrow. "You what? Oh . . . believed me? Why did you do a stupid thing like that?"
"Kasumi told us you weren't really pregnant!"
"Oh . . . and you believe her over me?"
Akane paused. Then fell to the ground. "I don't know who to believe!" She cried. "Well one of you is lying to me!" Nabiki looked at Akane as if she were an idiot, and the younger girl shrugged. "Yeah. I know it's you." She admitted.
"Well by all means believe Kasumi, she's telling the truth." Nabiki smiled. "I'm not pregnant, I made sure, I'm just throwing up and stuff because I'm sick . . . I'm not sure what to blame this strange craving for a chocolate horse on, but I digress-"
"What does that mean?" Akane asked.
"Never mind. Where is everyone?" Nabiki asked.
"Oh poor Ryoga!" Akane cried.
"What?" Nabiki blinked.
"He's so confused and stuff. You've done something really bad this time Nabiki, and you're going to pay for it." Akane said.
"Yes, I have heard of this 'hell' but do not believe it exists." Nabiki smiled. "Don't you have school to go to?"
"Er . . . right. Well . . . what about you?"
"I havent decided if I'll go or take a sick day." Nabiki chuckled.
"You know I really think Ryoga has been a good influence on you." Akane noted.
"Is that a fact?" Nabiki raised an eyebrow. "I'm missing school and having premarital sex, I think the boy has me hell bound!"
"Yes! And he's so nice, and polite and handsome don't you think?"
"Do you have a crush on my boyfriend?" Nabiki demanded icily.
"Eh no . . . just . . . eh remember that the next time he talks to you." Akane began to cry. "And remember how much your sisters care about you!"
"What's going on? Spill it!" Nabiki scowled, turning on her sister in an instant. A woman who so often betrays looks for betrayal at every turn.
"Eh . . . nothing is going on!" Akane cried.
"Nothing . . . or something?" Nabiki demanded.
"Eh . . . I . . . Oh I cant take it!" Akane cried. "You're too smart for me!"
"It works? I should try that one." Lotion noted, coming out of the kitchen with a cup of tea.
Nabiki ignored her. "Tell me everything you know!" She demanded of Akane.
"Kasumi is planning a surprise party for you after school. She's gonna cheer you up over your non-pregnancy because even if you're evil she loves you! We love you so much!" Akane started to pound on the floor. She jumped up. "I'm making the cake."
"And what does that have to do with Ryoga?" Nabiki raised an eyebrow.
"Eh . . . he doesn't know you're not pregnant?" Akane offered.
"Poor pitiful boy." Nabiki sighed. "Do you know where he is now?"
"Yes. Wait a minute . . . no." Akane nodded.
Well . . . Nabiki went off to her room. She now knew to pretend to be surprised and also knew not to eat any cakes.
Meanwhile Akane was amazed with herself. "I fooled Nabiki! HAH!"
"Is that good?" Lotion asked.
"She's a super genius . . . most of the time . . . kinda stupid now . . . must come with falling in love."
"What makes you think she's in love?" Lotion demanded.
"Well why wouldn't she be?" Akane asked. "You've seen that boyfriend of hers and the way she acts around him."
Lotion shrugged. "Dunno. I personally think he's too short."
"I thought they were the same height . . . we'll have to have them stand back to back."
"No, I think she's taller." Lotion said.
"Nuh-uh!" Akane cried. "Nabiki is shorter!"
"You want to bet?"
"Yeah! But I warn you, I haven't lost a bet in weeks! I'm on fire!"
Lotion poured a bucket of water over Akane. "I have just extinguished the flames."
"Yeah right."
"Okay. Then let us make this bet. I bet she doesn't love him, and you'll bet she does."
"Deal!" Akane signed a paper after skimming it.
Lotion chuckled. "Really, how could you think your sister even cares about this Ranma person when she's so obviously in love with this Ryoga person?"
"What? I was talking about Ryoga!"
"The paper says Ranma."
"GAH!"
"Told you I doused the fires." Lotion chuckled.
"Nabiki gave you that one, didn't she?"
"Actually it was Kasumi." Lotion laughed.
"Why are you still here?"
"I . . . forget . . ." Lotion scratched her chin. "I think it has something to do with a coloring book."
Meanwhile . . .
"And so you see, that's why I want to marry Nabiki, even if she isn't pregnant." Ryoga finished.
"That's beautiful! Just beautiful!" Ranma wept. "And if I marry Akane, we'll be like brothers!"
"Yeah!"
The two macho martial artists wept together. Kasumi rolled her eyes.
"Well I can see nothing wrong with him physically." Dr. Tofu said. "He's just stupid."
She was in awe. Ryoga was simply determined to marry Nabiki, poor stupid boy. He even had Ranma backing him now! "Am I the only sane person here?" She demanded.
"No, of course not!" Ryoga cried. "I'm perfectly sane."
"You want to marry my sister!" Kasumi cried. "Not the sweet violent maniac one either, you want the power hungry future C.E.O. of the planet!"
"I wouldn't really call her 'power hungry'." Tofu noted. "Money hungry maybe, but not power hungry."
"Whatever!" Kasumi cried. "Ryoga, she doesn't even care about you!"
"Sure she does, she just has a strange way of showing it." Ranma said.
"You're not helping, Saotome!" Kasumi warned.
"Oops!" Ranma shrunk. "Sorry."
"Why are *you* so set against me marrying her?" Ryoga asked.
"It's not that I don't wish you both worlds of happiness," Kasumi explained, "it's just you're both too young. Furthermore this is all part of Nabiki's plot. Do you want to play right into her hands?"
"Resistance is futile." Ryoga shrugged.
"That's just what she wants you to think!" Kasumi said.
"The talking walrus is right, you are a bit young." Tofu nodded.
"Walrus?" Kasumi frowned.
"Shh!" Ranma whispered. "We told him you were a walrus wearing a Kasumi costume, since we didn't want him to rip Ryoga's head off while examining him . . . as fun as that might be to behold . . ."
"Oh-ho . . ." Kasumi nodded.
"Hey! I know what ta do!" Ranma cried.
"That's a first." Kasumi, Tofu and Ryoga said together.
"Shaddap!" Ranma scowled. "Listen, Kasumi we just let Ryoga ask Nabiki and she'll say no. Even if she says yes, when yer pop gets home he'll say no, and Ryoga will get bored with it as a cat gets bored with a dead mouse."
"Cats tend to *eat* dead mice." Kasumi noted.
"So let him eat his own idea." Ranma shrugged.
"Why does it seem like this plan will backfire?" Kasumi asked.
"Maybe because I'm sitting right here and I heard every word of it!" Ryoga waved.
Kasumi nodded. "Yeah, that's probably it. Well let's give it a shot, we just have to get Ryoga to promise not to do that depression fueled attack thing he does if she says no." Kasumi said.
"Aww . . . I like doing that." Ryoga slumped.
"Promise me!" Kasumi warned. "We already have a hole in the wall and no father at home to fix it!"
"Oh alright, I wont blow anything up if she says no." Ryoga sighed. "But she won't say no, I know she won't!" He said happily.
"I so hate to burst your bubble . . . oh well, I'll start preparing dinner."
"It's early mornin' in fact I gotta get to school soon." Ranma frowned.
"Oh . . . brunch then. I have to cook *something*." Kasumi frowned. "That's how I deal with stress . . . oh poor Ryoga. Either he'll become my brother-in-law or he'll die of grief."
"Would you guys please stop referring to me in the third person?" Ryoga asked.
"Hmm? Oh sorry, I forgot you were over there." Kasumi frowned.
Nabiki was watching a soap opera with Lotion when Ryoga and Kasumi showed up. "Where were you two?" She asked.
"We went to see Dr. Tofu." Kasumi said. "And then we dropped Ranma off at school. Akane said you were staying home today, is it because of the baby?" Kasumi asked.
"Baby? Oh . . . that . . . yeah, whatever." Nabiki shrugged. "Why did you go to see Dr. Tofu?" she asked.
"To have Ryoga's head examined, we think he might be insane."
"I'm standing right next to you, I can hear you!" Ryoga yelped.
"He seems sane to me." Lotion noted. "It is this Gray person who is insane." She said, pointing at the TV.
"No, that's his evil twin." Nabiki said.
"Oh! Oh well then it makes perfect sense." Lotion said.
"If you say so . . ." Nabiki frowned. She turned back to Kasumi. "So is he sane?"
"Tofu cant find anything wrong with him, but I tell you he's gone completely and utterly mad."
"Still standing right here." Ryoga noted.
"Oh! Ryoga, there you are!" Kasumi said.
"Eh . . . yeah." Ryoga nodded.
"I . . . really must go cook something." Kasumi sighed.
Nabiki shook her head. "Wow. Kasumi sure is stressed about something, you must be the cause if she's forgetting you're around."
"Yes . . . yes I am. She's very stressed because of me . . . do you know why?" Ryoga asked.
"How could I?" Nabiki raised an eyebrow.
"Eh . . . right. I er . . . well eh . . . I was going to do something she said was very stupid." Ryoga said. "That's why she thinks I'm insane. But I'm not! I'm sane! Sane I tell you!"
"You're not convincing me." Nabiki said.
"Me either." Lotion added. "Now, this Claudia woman, she is Gray's long lost mother, but she's only ten years old!"
"Yeah, I don't know how that one works." Nabiki nodded. She turned back to Ryoga. "So what's this insane thing you want to do? Go sky diving?" Nabiki asked. "'Cause that sure would be neat . . ."
"It would." Ryoga nodded. "But that's not what I had in mind . . ."
"Oh . . . well what is it?" Nabiki sighed. It was now a commercial so Lotion was paying attention too.
"Maybe I should write it down . . . that way I don't have to say it." Ryoga sighed.
"Don't do that!" Kasumi came out of the kitchen covered in flour. "You have to ask her, and it has to be perfect! And you have to say it in a really romantic voice and-hey! You!" She pointed at Lotion. "Get in here and help me bake cookies!"
"I can't cook!"
"Then you're going to learn!" Kasumi warned. "By god you're going to learn!" Lotion submitted and Kasumi nodded to Ryoga. "There, now do it!"
"I eh . . . guess I better . . . before Kasumi makes me bake cookies too." Ryoga frowned.
"Well then . . ." Nabiki pressed. "What were you supposed to ask me?"
"Eh . . . hmm . . . I wanted to know if . . . that is . . . hey Kasumi, need any more help in there?"
"You dug your grave Hibiki now lay in it . . . then you can come help me." Kasumi said. "After your funeral . . . at which I will cry."
"I'll cry too!" Lotion said from the kitchen. "Hey, what are these?"
"Egg beaters!"
"And where are these eggs to be beaten?"
Ryoga looked nervous, he was acting insane. Finally he said "Can we eh . . . do this in your room?"
"Aha! So THAT is what this is all about!" Nabiki cried triumphantly. "I've got you figured out Ryoga-honey, and as much as I'd like to comply it's just too early in the morning for that."
"I'm not trying to have sex with you." Ryoga noted.
"Then I really *don't* have you figured out." Nabiki frowned. "Okay, let's go." She led him to her room and then locked the door . . . just in case y'know?
"Okay sweetie, we're alone, Kasumi and Lotion are baking and that ought to take at least twenty minutes . . . plenty of time."
"I told you, this isn't about sex!" Ryoga yelped. "I mean . . . okay, yeah in some ways it is but in general it isnt."
"Oh . . . is this about the baby?" Nabiki frowned.
"Sort of." Ryoga nodded. "It stared out that way, but then I realized that baby or no baby this is what I want. I think."
"You think? Will you just tell me what you're talking about?"
"Okay . . . uh . . . so Nabiki . . . you wouldn't want to . . . get married would you?" He asked.
Nabiki's jaw dropped . . . "Well . . ." she said. "The answer to *that* question can only be . . ."
To Be Continued . . .
Next Chapter . . .
"I can disguise myself as *anyone* and anything!" Tsubassa scowled.
"Since when?" Ranma sneered. Tsubassa just slapped him.
"Who's your daddy?" Tsubassa cried.
"Quit it!"
"Who's your daddy?" Tsubassa slapped him again.
"Stop it!"
"Who's your daddy?"
"WAH!" Ranma ran off crying and Tsubassa followed.
A/N: But I own Charlotte's Web the fan fiction, wouldn't it be grand if it became a spin off of the Ranma 1/2 TV series?
Charlotte's Web
Chapter 23
"Is It Real?"
***
It was a dark, dark night. There was no electricity in the little mobile home, Nabiki lit a candle and her five children huddled around it. "What's for dinner ma?" One of them asked, she wasn't sure what it's name was or what gender it was.
"Corn." Nabiki said, opening a can of corn and cooking it over the candle.
"Is it Christmas?" One of her daughters gasped. "A whole can 'o corn!?"
"Damned if I know, now eat yer vittles and go to sleep." She scowled.
The children ate. Nabiki smoked a cigarette, this was, for all of them, a feast. "Please mother, I want some more."
"Shut up Oliver, we ain't got no more food!"
"Cant daddy buy more food?"
"I'm still trying to figure out who he is." Nabiki admitted.
"Why do our lives suck so much?" another child asked.
"'Cause for once I cant afford nothin' but corn, candles and cigarettes." Nabiki scoffed.
"Wouldn't we save money on candles if you just bought a flash light?"
"We're saving! Got it sweetie? We're saving." Nabiki assured the child.
"Why does god hate us mommy?" Another child asked.
"It all started when I got together with that Ryoga guy–I think he fathered a good half of ya–and pretended I was pregnant and then I was and BOOM! I'm cursed! I get pregnant even without male assistance! That thar God don't like heathen liars, now y'all say yer prayers and go to sleep."
"Gee ma, will we ever get out 'o this stinkin' mobile home?"
"Of course, CPS will find out about you kids one of these days. Even if they don't, once I get all y'all married off you'll be out 'o my hair."
"Married off . . . to other people right?" Oliver asked, looking at his sisters and shuddering.
"Beggars cant be choosers, Oliver-I mean *yes* "to other people" ya darned fool!"
***
"AAAHHH!" Nabiki woke up, soaked with sweat. She looked around, spied P-Chan on her pillow and smacked him. "Jerk!" She cried.
"Ernk?" The little pig grunted.
"Don't play dumb with me!" Nabiki cried. "You son of a-"
"Nabiki! What's wrong?" Akane asked, running into the room.
"Don't ya ev-I mean don't *you* ever knock?" Nabiki scowled.
"I thought my poor pregnant sister was in trouble!" Akane protested.
"No I just had a bad dream! And I'm not--" Nabiki scowled, almost revealing her secret. "I . . . I mean go away and don't come back! No matter what you think you hear!"
"Oh . . . *oh*! Right. Gotcha." Akane winked.
"I didn't mean it like that! Oh jeez just go away!" Nabiki moaned.
Downstairs Kasumi was reading up on Nabiki's . . . condition. "It says here that a pregnant woman might experience violent mood swings." She told Akane.
Nabiki glared at they boy trapped in the body of a little black piglet. "This is all *your* fault." She grumbled.
"Ernk?" P-Chan blinked.
Nabiki had a sudden and violent mood swing. "Oh Ryoga! How can I be so cruel! I don't mean those things! I really do love you so much!" She threw her arms around the little pig, which was now very confused.
"Ernk?"
"Don't be that way!" She shouted, shoving the pig away. "I hate you!" She hissed.
"An increase in appetite?" Akane piped in.
"I'm hungry! I could eat a horse!" Nabiki yelped.
"Yes," Kasumi nodded "but only for particular things." She said.
"Huh?"
"That means she will get cravings for certain things, not just anything."
"Make that, a *chocolate* horse." Nabiki informed Ryoga.
"And she will instinctively send the father to fetch these things for her, it's one of those built in instincts of nature." Kasumi read.
"Find me a Chocolate horse!" Nabiki yelled, throwing Ryoga out the window with a surprised:
"KKKEEEEE! ? ! ? !"
Then another mood swing. "Oh! I'm so sorry honey! Are you okay? I didn't mean to throw you so far sweetie!"
"Oh!" Kasumi said. "And of course, mild morning illness."
"It's not even morning yet!" Nabiki screamed, running for the bathroom. "Ryoga I hate you!" She threw up. "I don't mean that! I love you!" Threw up again. "I hate you! I'll torment you for life!
Just wait until I tell everyone I'm not pregnant!" Threw up again "'Cause I'm really not!" Again. "I . . . I think . . ."
So as Ryoga the little piglet went off to search for a chocolate horse in a waking/sleeping stage, Nabiki hurled her guts out and Kasumi and Akane read up on how to be good aunts, Hand Lotion crept stealthily into the Tendo compound.
"Don't kill, don't kill, don't kill." She reminded herself. She crept up the wall using suction cups that made a silly POP sound whenever she took a step, it made the Amazon assassin giggle whenever they did it. It really killed any chance of stealth, but it amused her. "Do not kill, do not kill, do kill, do kill do-D'oh! Don't kill! Don't kill!" She saw a lawn gnome in the neighbor's yard and threw a dagger at it "Hahah! Take that!" She fell from the suction cups and hit the ground with a groan.
She jumped up an instant latter. "Don't kill! Don't kill! Don't kill!" She shuffled back up the wall and leapt into Nabiki's room. "Take that!" She cried, throwing a knife at the door. "Hahah-oops! Don't kill, don't kill, don't kill!" She hit her head on the wall. She tromped around, using her super acute tracking skills to find Nabiki. "Hey Tendo girls! Where is your sister?" She asked Kasumi and Akane.
"Bathroom." They said together, not lifting their eyes from the book they shared.
Lotion snuck stealthily to the bathroom and barged in figuring Nabiki would have nothing she hadn't seen before. She was wrong.
Nabiki was throwing up into the sink again, and Lo-Chun had lived an unnaturally sheltered life, she never saw another woman throw up, it seemed so alien to her. Like the movie with a similar title when the little snake thing burst out of the guy's er . . . arm. (Yeah. That's it. No copyright infringement for me!) Now men threw up all the time, to keep their weight down so they'd be attractive to their women, because they had self esteem issues-really a man shouldn't have self esteem at all-but never had a woman done it!
"Wow . . . you are really sick." Lotion noted.
"No . . ." Nabiki gasped in mock disbelief. "You think?" She scowled and threw up again.
"Oh-ho. Well I am The Great Amazonian Warrior Han Lo-Chun!"
"That's great. A friend of Shampoo's are you?"
"Eh . . . yes. Yes I am, now Shampoo and I would love it if you'd come with me and we can go have a night out on the town. Just us girls."
"Shampoo must be stoned, she and I have never been more than acquaintances and she knows it!." Nabiki threw up again, with that simple statement Lo-Chun felt she'd lost all chance of out smarting this young woman that way. New method . . .
"Oh-ho . . ." she said again. "In that case . . . LOOK BEHIND YOU!"
Nabiki looked at Lo-Chun, and the young Amazon scolded herself again since *she* was standing behind Nabiki.
"Gah! I mean look in front of you!" (WHAP) "Hahah!"
"Ouch! That really hurt! What the heck is wrong with you? I was miserable enough, now I have a headache!" Nabiki groaned.
"She has ungodly powers!" Lo-Chun gasped. She hit Nabiki again, this time the middle Tendo dodged, Lo-Chun thought she was again out matched but had she not been panicking she'd know that Nabiki hadn't dodged on purpose, she'd just gone to throw up some more.
Lotion simply couldn't stand this, so she just grabbed the miserable girl, threw her over her shoulder and ran out the door, the other Tendos were too absorbed in their reading to notice.
Then she reflected, left Nabiki puking her guts out in the front yard and went back inside.
"You!" She said to Akane, "The short unattractive woman, tell Ryoga Hibiki that I've kidnapped his love and he wont ever find her! If he tries to look for her in the places she likes to go he wont find her because she's going to be in a place she doesn't like, and it's because she's been kidnapped! So she wont come home after a few hours, she's mine now and I'll keep her until he marries Akari or until I get bored and kill her, whichever comes first." Lotion said. The girls nodded and waved her away.
"Right, we'll remember that, Ukyo." Akane said.
"Who-key-what? Lotion cried, but then realized getting Nabiki to a good hiding place was far more important.
So she took her to an abandoned house which she'd turned into a hideout after her return to Japan. It had all the modern luxuries, even a Jacuzzi in the back that Lotion loved to death. She wondered why the house's owners had left . . . it couldn't have been the threat of death, she'd only been joking about that. Still, she brought Nabiki there and tied her up and stuff.
Nabiki was asleep, Lotion patted her on the head. "I have a little score to settle with our mutual 'acquaintance' Shampoo, and the old hag, I'll be back to torment you later, sleep well and don't even think about escaping." And with that the nefarious young assassin was off!
***
Nabiki Tendo was cleaning her home for a good ten minutes before she realized she was in black and white. For some reason this didn't seem strange, she noticed it, but that was all. She was cleaning and then her vacuum stopped working. She put her hands on her hips and sighed, but no words escaped her mouth. Then every thing went black and the words "Drat, it's broken again!" appeared.
That's when there was a knock on the door. Nabiki went to answer it, and there stood Kinnosuke dressed up like a vacuum salesman. He opened his mouth and spoke, but again no words or sound escaped his lips. "I have exactly what you need ma'am!" The black screen read.
Nabiki spoke too, the black screen translated her words to "Oh? Is it fully functional?" but what's she'd said was "What the heck are you doing here?"
Reading her lines she gasped and cried out something but it wasn't in the script for her to speak, so the black screen didn't appear. Kinnosuke took a step closer to her and said, "Yes!"
"Is it long, and wide?" Nabiki's little script asked.
His arms went around her, "Yes!"
"Can I have it right now?" She pleaded.
Their faces came to be centimeters from each other, his mint scented breath blew over her face, and he said, "Yes!" He handed her a vacuum. "The X-Brand Glider, it cleans as smoothly as a cloud!"
'As a cloud?' Nabiki thought. But the script called for them to quickly separate, then to smile at the camera and wink. "Thanks X-Brand Glider!" Nabiki said.
***
Nabiki woke up. Blinked. "I don't even want to *know* what *that* was about." She grumbled. "Where am I?"
Shampoo and her great grand mother were standing on a log that crossed over a stream. It was an uncomfortable place to be, but Lotion had chosen it as their meeting place, and despite her opponent's lack of actual skill in *true* combat Shampoo wasn't interested in having anything to do with the assassin, she wasn't afraid of Lotion, the girl was a pipsqueak compared to mighty Shampoo, in fact Mousse could probably take her, it was having to speak to the little twit that drove her crazy! And her annoying habit of coming back for more over and over again until she scored some minor victory which she'd then boast about and blow out of proportion.
Yes, Shampoo had 'lost' to Hand Lotion *once* by sneezing in the middle of the match and rubbing her nose which let Lotion kick her, then rather than deal with Shampoo's retaliation the puny girl had declared victory and run off.
Now Shampoo was almost certain that Lotion wanted to fight over water, she didn't fear her worthless opponent, she just wasn't comfortable with the setting in general.
That's when it happened, Lotion finally arrived. She stalked out onto the log defiantly, in each hand was a long dagger with wicked curved blades. "Shampoo!" She scowled. "Elder!"
"Why have you called us here?" Cologne asked.
"You know why." Lotion scowled.
"You will never measure up to Shampoo." Cologne sighed. "I have things to do."
"I don't care about being her fighting equal anymore old hag, there are more ways than one to be the best." Lotion said, wielding her knives expertly. Of course wielding was about the only thing she was good at, if she didn't have Akane's taste in ingredients she might have made a good cook, but no warrior was she.
"We don't have time for this! You said you had vital information for us, and aren't you supposed to be kidnapping that girl for Akari?" Cologne sighed.
"That's done. And I do have vital information . . . old hag-"
"Stop calling me that, I'd like to see you look half this good at my age-if you live that long." Cologne scowled.
Lotion seemed to grant that, and shook her head. "You tricked me!" She cried.
"I did?"
FLASHBACK
"Please Miss. Amazon Customer, this is training ground of accursed springs, is very dangerous." The silly little man said. Lotion ignored him and leapt onto one of the poles, but unlike all the other fighters she sucked at that sort of thing, slipped right away and was falling. But she took a knife and stabbed it into the pole, halting her fall.
She leapt back up and began jumping around from pole to pole, feeling sure that this test of balance had to be the reason people came here. Actually she found it quite boring. Then suddenly she slipped again, this time she was falling forward, her knives simply wouldn't make contact with anything except the water and-SPLASH!
PRESENT
Cologne rolled her eyes. "Ohy vey!" She sighed. Of course when she'd sent Lotion to the training grounds of accursed springs a few days ago she'd expected this, but not so soon. "Lotion, you really, *really* suck."
"Silence old wench! I may not be a match for you, but I'll take my revenge on you by destroying your star pupil! Shampoo, prepare to die!"
"Star pupil?" Shampoo seemed confused and started looking around for this star pupil Lotion spoke of.
"Did you notice you're not a match for her either?" Cologne offered, Lotion paused to think about this and Shampoo kicked her into the water. "Told you." Cologne sighed. "Really, such a pretty girl, just not so very bright."
But Lotion actually swung around the log and came up landing a few inches in front of Shampoo.
"No!" She cried. "I wont be beaten again!"
"You survived the first blow! You've improved . . . but not much." Cologne said, she poked the outraged silvery haired maiden with her stick and in the drink she went. She didn't come up, Cologne hoped she'd turned into something that didn't know how to swim. "Take a small bit of comfort in knowing that this time it took *two* strikes to get rid of you."
"Great grand mother, Shampoo could have beat her!"
"I know." Cologne said. She buried her face in her hands. "But she called me a hag!"
"She hurt your feelings?" Shampoo frowned.
"What? No, I was holding back laughter, after all I know I'm as beautiful as the day I was born."
"And likely as tall." Mousse said, Cologne scowled and whacked him, she hadn't even noticed he'd come along with her and Shampoo.
Lotion crawled out of the water, and shook herself off. This wasn't good, it'd be hard to explain her presence in the city now, and even harder to turn back, her cloths were ruined and she wasn't going to go around town naked, no matter how voluptuous her body was.
'I'll get you Shampoo! And your little hag too!'
Ryoga got a rather rude awakening, he realized he was lost, this wasn't at all surprising. But he was lost as P-Chan, which complicated things. How could a pig ask for directions? He was so screwed! It was dark, he didn't know which way the Tendo training hall was and worst of all he had the strangest feeling he was supposed to be finding some sort of horse.
But soon enough an enormous shadow loomed over him. While the pig tried to figure out how a shadow can loom in the dark, a large snout came down and Mercedes the dog's terrible breath filled the little pig's nostrils.
'Oh god! Not this!' Ryoga thought.
Suddenly they were running, Ryoga (P-Chan) and Mercedes were having a foot race, the winner got either a nice pork dinner or continued life, Ryoga wanted prize set B.
The enormous dog was fast, but P-Chan was faster. They ran for a good twenty minutes, both were growing tired, after all they were traveling at break-neck speed. Suddenly Ryoga crashed into something big and furry. It was . . . a chocolate horse!
No . . . a Llama! Heck, Nabiki would have to settle for it. The Llama bent it's neck and looked at the little pig in confusion, then the dog and a strange light of understanding shone, suddenly the race had a new contender, P-Chan enjoyed a free ride to nowhere on his large chocolate Llama.
They came to a nice looking house and barged right in, crashed through the gates and all three tumbled into a pool.
No, not a pool, it was warm, it was a Jacuzzi! Ryoga brought his head out of the water and saw Mercedes climbing out. "When are you going to learn I become a human?" He demanded, the dog just whined. Suddenly a new face came out of the water, a white furred demon thing! "AAHHH!" Ryoga yelped.
The young woman parted the hair from her eyes and gave Ryoga a glare that rivaled the ones he gave Ranma.
"Just who do you think you are, running into me like that?" She demanded.
"It wasn't my fault! There was this Llama, and a dog and . . ." He realized that there was no Llama now and this girl with him was very naked. "So . . . eh . . . accursed springs?" He asked.
The woman scowled and got out of the Jacuzzi, she was attractive but Ryoga paid little attention until Mercedes leapt forward and barked at her. She yelped and fell back into the water and into Ryoga's arms. Nabiki came out of the house and sighed. "You again." She said to Mercedes.
"What are you doing?" She asked, then spied Ryoga and the girl. "What are *you* doing?" She growled with an accompanying glare that put Ryoga and Lotion's hardest, most hateful glares to shame.
"It's not what it looks like!" Ryoga said.
"What does it look like?" The girl frowned. "Hey! I tied you up."
Nabiki blinked. "It was you who did that? Well yes, you tied my feet together, but you left my hands free. What kind of idiot are you?"
"Shut up! I don't usually take prisoners, it was a new experience for me!"
"Still . . ." Nabiki shook her head. "You kidnap me, tie me up *badly* and then fool around with my boyfriend?" She raised an eyebrow. "I'm very tempted to kick your butt."
"I was doing no such thing!" The girl cried. "And you'd be hard pressed to defeat me in battle! I am the feared assassin Hand Lotion-er I mean Han Lotion-gah! Stupid foreigners! My name is Han Lo-Chun!"
Nabiki blinked. "Really . . . well . . ." She looked at Mercedes. "I'm tempted to leave you both out here in the cold with him guarding."
"Then we'll just have to have sex to keep up our body heat!" Lotion cried, grabbing Ryoga.
"Actually the water is pretty warm and-"
"Shut up!" She cried.
Nabiki smiled. "Hey Ryoga-honey, does this remind you of anything?"
"No." Ryoga said.
"Let me give you a hint." She whispered. She came over to the Jacuzzi and leaned close to Lotion and Ryoga. She reached behind her back and materialized a pair of pants. "Four thousand yen."
"Oh right. The night I became your unwilling slave." He sighed. "Hey, where do you hide those?" He demanded, remembering the night at Azusa's when she'd materialized an outfit for him.
"None of your darn business, you want them or not?"
"I'll take them!" Lotion cried. "The payment you receive will be your life!"
"Nabiki, I left my wallet in my other pants." Ryoga tried.
"No, you left it in these ones." She assured him, reaching into a pocket Ryoga didn't even know he had and taking out a wallet. She flipped it open. She withdrew it's entire content and then gave him the pants.
"What about me?" Lotion pleaded.
Nabiki thought for a moment. Then materialized a shirt. "Given your height this should cover everything." Nabiki said.
"Are you calling me short?"
"Normally I'd charge two thousand for the shirt, but you tried to fool around with my Ryoga, so six thousand, take it or leave it."
"I have no money!" Lotion cried.
"Then six weeks of slavery." Nabiki said.
"What for?" Ryoga whispered.
"Personal pleasure." Nabiki said, patting him on the shoulder. "She hit me on the head."
"Two weeks!" Lotion cried.
"Six." Nabiki repeated.
"Three!"
"Five."
"Four!"
"Six."
"But you said five!" Lotion pleaded.
"I changed my mind." Nabiki said.
"I'll tell you who sent me, what their plans are and how to stop them!" Lotion cried.
"Akari, steal Ryoga away, and I don't need to know how to stop her because she'll never beat me." Nabiki said. The amazon girl slumped. But then Nabiki's mood seemed to change. "But I don't like the idea of your nudity distracting my boyfriend, so here, consider it a gift." Nabiki said, throwing Lotion the shirt.
"You give gifts?" Ryoga gawked. Nabiki slapped him.
The amazon climbed out of the pool and scowled. "Well you may have enjoyed yourself gazing at my poor, uncovered, undefended body, but next time it will be I who gazes upon *your* uncovered, undefended body! No wait! I don't want that! It will be I who makes you pay for-hey!" Nabiki and Ryoga were walking away. "I'm not done yet! I need to think of something cunning to say!"
"ARF!" Mercedes barked.
"Next time it will be I who is in control and you will beg *me* for clothing! No . . . still not right." Lotion frowned. "Hey don't go!" She pleaded.
The Next Day . . . Nabiki woke up very early, much earlier than everyone else anyway. Besides Kasumi that is.
She was pretty sure she had to be at school but didn't care, there was a lot she had to do today. She went down stairs and found Kasumi serving their guest (Lotion had followed them home, trying to think of something witty to say to them) tea. Hand Lotion was delerious for lack of sleep by now, she was jabbering on and on to Kasumi about the benefits of throwing knives to steak knives.
"The best thing is . . . you can throw them!" She cried.
"Yes, but you don't actually *need* to throw a steak knife, you just cut your steak with it. Though we don't eat a lot of steak in this house, we do have a full set of steak knives."
"But do you throw them?"
"No."
"You should try it." Lotion said, then downed the whole cup of tea.
"Er . . . I'm going out for a bit, I might be back." Nabiki said. Kasumi nodded and Lotion stood up.
"I have it!" Lotion cried. "You may have enjoyed looking at my coloring book! But it will be *I* who colors the final page!" She cried.
Nabiki waited a moment, then decided to humor her. "Oh no! Not that! Oh no!" Nabiki gasped. Lotion smirked, Nabiki then added "But can you color in the lines?"
"WAH!" Lotion wailed and clutched the sides of her head. "Why can't I win? My head hurts! There's an alien in my guts and he's trying to destroy my brain!"
Nabiki backed away slowly, then left. Before she closed the door behind her there was a thump, and Kasumi said "Oh no! You can't sleep there!"
Ryoga woke up a while after Nabiki. It took a moment for him to realize that he was in a closet. He'd never thought his sense of direction so bad that he wouldn't find his way out of a closet but after a few minutes of trying he realized it was very true.
"I'm stuck in the closet." He grumbled. Partially to himself, partially to see if anyone outside the closet would hear him and let him out.
Then he decided it'd be better to find his own way out, he couldn't let Ranma tease him about this.
But alone in the dark trying to find the door knob Ryoga started to do something that he rarely did lately and since a few days ago had tried to avoid doing all together. He began to *think* and it made him uncomfortable.
Nabiki was pregnant and he was apparently the father. She'd get it aborted if they couldn't afford it. The problem here was that Ryoga didn't believe she'd be so open about that, something nagged at him, told him that she was either lying about that or the entire thing in general, and since Akane was so interested in her older sister's love life tricking her into telling Ryoga a lie would be all too easy.
The problem now, Ryoga asked himself if he was thinking of ways to avoid his responsibility.
What was his responsibility? He was still too young to be a father, yet old enough to feel up, then sleep with his rival's fiancée's older sister. Oh great, Rival's fiancée's older sister? He'd just referred to Nabiki in a way similar to the way one refers to that distant relative one only sees at reunions . . . he'd never been to a family reunion, what if Nabiki *was* a distant relative?
And what sort of stories would he tell his children if they ever wanted to know how he and Nabiki met and fell in love? "I met your mum because she was the older sister of my one true love, Insane Old Auntie Akane, you know, that swine Saotome's wife. Anyway she made me her manservant thingy and I boned her and here you are. I'd have driven your mother to the hospital but, well you know how it is with the family sense of direction." Ryoga frowned. Another problem, his sense of direction!
He had to get out of this closet or he'd go insane!
"Where is Ryoga?" Akane wondered.
"Who cares?" Ranma asked.
"Good point . . ." Kasumi said.
"Someone should go find him." Akane said.
Everyone was silent. Finally Ranma threw his fork down. "By "someone" of course ya mean me!"
"If its not too much trouble." Kasumi said.
"Well it is." Ranma noted.
"Oh . . . well then even if it *is* too much trouble." Kasumi smiled.
Ranma sighed and stormed off. He came to the closet and checked it, sure enough Ryoga was in there. "That wasn't so hard." He decided.
"Ranma!" Ryoga yelped. "Perfect! I was hoping I'd catch up to you!"
"I eh . . . found *you*." Ranma frowned.
"I've made a decision!" Ryoga announced. "I had to tell you."
"What's that?" Ranma asked. He didn't really care though.
"I like Akane. Her voice fills my heart with joy, and I want to sing a song to the heavens thanking them for brightening my life with her presence." He said.
"Uh . . . good for you?" Ranma offered.
"I love Nabiki . . . but she fills me with terrible fear. Fear and excitement and I curse the fates! Curse them for making something so obviously evil, yet so incredibly fun!" Ryoga continued.
"That's what it means to be in love." Ranma offered, but he didn't really know or care. "Is that all?"
"Almost done. I like Kasumi, and her cooking fills me with incredible joy. I want to--"
"Yeah yeah, raise a song to the heavens thanking them for country music . . . wait a minute . . . you love Kasumi now too?" Ranma raised an eyebrow.
"No, just her cooking." Ryoga said. "While I was trapped in the closet I realized I was hungry."
"Oh-ho . . ."
"But all these realizations made me realize something else." Ryoga continued.
"What's that?" Ranma was getting bored. No wait . . . bored-er.
"Nabiki is pregnant and I haven't even proposed yet!" Ryoga cried.
"You what!" Ranma yelped. Was Ryoga actually thinking of marrying Nabiki? He was insane!
He'd get shot down like a big yellow hot air balloon with the soviet symbol painted on it floating through American controlled air space!
"I know!" Ryoga misunderstood. "I cant just leave well enough alone! If I'm man enough to *get* her pregnant, then I have to be . . . uh . . ."
"Man enough to deal with your obligation to marry her?"
"Hmm? Yeah, that sounds right." Ryoga nodded.
"And why did you need to tell me this?"
"I was hoping you'd beat the crap out of me, and thus beat some sense into me." Ryoga said.
"Ryoga . . . some times I wanna raise my voice in song to the heavens . . . 'an ask them why I've got idiot friends like you." Ranma sighed.
"No time for singing, I need your help." Ryoga said.
"Well yeah, you definitely need help." Ranma nodded. "Professional help."
"No time for professionals! You'll have to do, c'mon! And don't tell Akane. Or Kasumi."
"You're kidding right?" Ranma raised an eyebrow. He frowned. Ryoga *had* to be kidding. Or insane from hunger, maybe breakfast would straighten him out, and maybe a talk with Kasumi was exactly what he needed . . . Akane might be counter productive . . .
(Ranma's imagination)
Akane: Oh Ryoga! You just have to marry her!
Ryoga: Sure do.
Ranma: Am I the only sane person?
Akane: And once you've married Nabiki, Ranma can marry ME! And we'll all be a big happy family!
Ranma: You mean Ryoga would be my brother?
Akane: Yep.
Ryoga & Ranma: NNNOOOO!!!
(Real world)
"I gotta tell Kasumi, this is something ya gotta talk ta her about first."
"No time." Ryoga said.
"In ancient times a man had ta gain a woman's father's trust and approval, then ask the chick's mom fer her hand in marriage before marrying her, since Tendo aint here, and Kasumi is sort of the motherly figure in this house, you'd best talk to her."
"No time!" Ryoga repeated.
"You got nine months of time, shut yer mouth and let's go talk to Kasumi . . . besides, I want to finish my breakfast." Ranma scowled.
Kasumi took the news of Ryoga's decision in a stoic manner. "NNNNOOOOOO!"
"Why not?" Ryoga frowned.
"Because it means I'll never get to–eh . . . never mind that. Ryoga . . . there is something I need to tell you . . . something . . . terrible." Kasumi said. "You see . . . Nabiki . . . she . . ."
"Is already promised in marriage to Kinnosuke!" Ranma cried. Everyone stared at him.
"Then I'll kill Kinnosuke! And she'll be a widow and eligible for marriage!" Ryoga said.
"Why did you tell him that?" Akane scowled at Ranma.
"I . . . don't know . . ." Ranma admitted. "It was fun though."
Kasumi shook her head. "Ryoga! Sit down!"
"I am sitting." Ryoga said.
"Oh . . . right. Look, Nabiki isn't really pregnant, okay?" Kasumi sighed. She expected Ryoga to be outraged and swear off Nabiki forever, but it had to be done to spare the poor boy's feelings since this was exactly what Kasumi had said would happen and exactly what Nabiki wanted.
"She's not?" He frowned.
"Nope." Kasumi shook her head.
"I knew it." Ranma sneered.
Akane was silent, she looked shocked.
"So . . . can I marry her anyway?" Ryoga asked. Now everyone was silent. Everyone stared. Then Ranma said what Kasumi was too polite to say.
"RYOGA YOU MUST BE SOME KIND'A DROOLING IDIOT!" He cried.
The doctor patted Nabiki on the shoulder. "You'll have to be strong," she said, "because I have good news, and bad news."
"Tell me the bad news first, so the good news can make up for it." Nabiki said.
"Well . . . the bad news is you're not pregnant . . ."
"Really?" Nabiki gasped.
"Yes. But you can easily become preg-"
"That's good news." Nabiki interjected. "I didn't want to be pregnant."
"Oh . . . oh well then I just have good news." The doctor blinked. "You're not pregnant, you just
have a mild and mutated form of cold."
"Cold?" Nabiki raised an eyebrow.
"Yes. But the good news is that this has been seen before in England. Now apparently you will be exhibiting pregnancy symptoms for three weeks exactly. It will stop in exactly three weeks, down to the day."
"Well . . . that's good." Nabiki said.
The doctor nodded. Then frowned. "You're so young." She said. "I hope you'll consider using protection the next time you-"
"Gotta go, see ya!" Nabiki said, jumping off the examination table and rushing out the door.
The doctor frowned. "Wait a moment . . . wasn't there something I was forgetting to tell her? Oh right! I forgot to mention that for the next three weeks she's going to be about as fertile as . . . well . . . a really fertile thing. Oh well, guess I'll just have to remember to tell her if I see her again."
Nabiki was feeling pretty darn good about herself as she walked home. She wasn't pregnant, she was just sick, which meant she also had an excuse for the days of school she'd missed if she was clever enough to find a way to make this illness apply to all of those days. Of course so close to graduation she should probably return to school to make sure she passed with grades good enough to carry her to college . . . strangely now she desired a college that allowed pets . . . more specifically little black piglets.
She got home and everyone was gone, except Akane. "What's up?" Nabiki asked.
"I believedid you Nabiki! I believedid youuu!" Akane wept.
Nabiki raised an eyebrow. "You what? Oh . . . believed me? Why did you do a stupid thing like that?"
"Kasumi told us you weren't really pregnant!"
"Oh . . . and you believe her over me?"
Akane paused. Then fell to the ground. "I don't know who to believe!" She cried. "Well one of you is lying to me!" Nabiki looked at Akane as if she were an idiot, and the younger girl shrugged. "Yeah. I know it's you." She admitted.
"Well by all means believe Kasumi, she's telling the truth." Nabiki smiled. "I'm not pregnant, I made sure, I'm just throwing up and stuff because I'm sick . . . I'm not sure what to blame this strange craving for a chocolate horse on, but I digress-"
"What does that mean?" Akane asked.
"Never mind. Where is everyone?" Nabiki asked.
"Oh poor Ryoga!" Akane cried.
"What?" Nabiki blinked.
"He's so confused and stuff. You've done something really bad this time Nabiki, and you're going to pay for it." Akane said.
"Yes, I have heard of this 'hell' but do not believe it exists." Nabiki smiled. "Don't you have school to go to?"
"Er . . . right. Well . . . what about you?"
"I havent decided if I'll go or take a sick day." Nabiki chuckled.
"You know I really think Ryoga has been a good influence on you." Akane noted.
"Is that a fact?" Nabiki raised an eyebrow. "I'm missing school and having premarital sex, I think the boy has me hell bound!"
"Yes! And he's so nice, and polite and handsome don't you think?"
"Do you have a crush on my boyfriend?" Nabiki demanded icily.
"Eh no . . . just . . . eh remember that the next time he talks to you." Akane began to cry. "And remember how much your sisters care about you!"
"What's going on? Spill it!" Nabiki scowled, turning on her sister in an instant. A woman who so often betrays looks for betrayal at every turn.
"Eh . . . nothing is going on!" Akane cried.
"Nothing . . . or something?" Nabiki demanded.
"Eh . . . I . . . Oh I cant take it!" Akane cried. "You're too smart for me!"
"It works? I should try that one." Lotion noted, coming out of the kitchen with a cup of tea.
Nabiki ignored her. "Tell me everything you know!" She demanded of Akane.
"Kasumi is planning a surprise party for you after school. She's gonna cheer you up over your non-pregnancy because even if you're evil she loves you! We love you so much!" Akane started to pound on the floor. She jumped up. "I'm making the cake."
"And what does that have to do with Ryoga?" Nabiki raised an eyebrow.
"Eh . . . he doesn't know you're not pregnant?" Akane offered.
"Poor pitiful boy." Nabiki sighed. "Do you know where he is now?"
"Yes. Wait a minute . . . no." Akane nodded.
Well . . . Nabiki went off to her room. She now knew to pretend to be surprised and also knew not to eat any cakes.
Meanwhile Akane was amazed with herself. "I fooled Nabiki! HAH!"
"Is that good?" Lotion asked.
"She's a super genius . . . most of the time . . . kinda stupid now . . . must come with falling in love."
"What makes you think she's in love?" Lotion demanded.
"Well why wouldn't she be?" Akane asked. "You've seen that boyfriend of hers and the way she acts around him."
Lotion shrugged. "Dunno. I personally think he's too short."
"I thought they were the same height . . . we'll have to have them stand back to back."
"No, I think she's taller." Lotion said.
"Nuh-uh!" Akane cried. "Nabiki is shorter!"
"You want to bet?"
"Yeah! But I warn you, I haven't lost a bet in weeks! I'm on fire!"
Lotion poured a bucket of water over Akane. "I have just extinguished the flames."
"Yeah right."
"Okay. Then let us make this bet. I bet she doesn't love him, and you'll bet she does."
"Deal!" Akane signed a paper after skimming it.
Lotion chuckled. "Really, how could you think your sister even cares about this Ranma person when she's so obviously in love with this Ryoga person?"
"What? I was talking about Ryoga!"
"The paper says Ranma."
"GAH!"
"Told you I doused the fires." Lotion chuckled.
"Nabiki gave you that one, didn't she?"
"Actually it was Kasumi." Lotion laughed.
"Why are you still here?"
"I . . . forget . . ." Lotion scratched her chin. "I think it has something to do with a coloring book."
Meanwhile . . .
"And so you see, that's why I want to marry Nabiki, even if she isn't pregnant." Ryoga finished.
"That's beautiful! Just beautiful!" Ranma wept. "And if I marry Akane, we'll be like brothers!"
"Yeah!"
The two macho martial artists wept together. Kasumi rolled her eyes.
"Well I can see nothing wrong with him physically." Dr. Tofu said. "He's just stupid."
She was in awe. Ryoga was simply determined to marry Nabiki, poor stupid boy. He even had Ranma backing him now! "Am I the only sane person here?" She demanded.
"No, of course not!" Ryoga cried. "I'm perfectly sane."
"You want to marry my sister!" Kasumi cried. "Not the sweet violent maniac one either, you want the power hungry future C.E.O. of the planet!"
"I wouldn't really call her 'power hungry'." Tofu noted. "Money hungry maybe, but not power hungry."
"Whatever!" Kasumi cried. "Ryoga, she doesn't even care about you!"
"Sure she does, she just has a strange way of showing it." Ranma said.
"You're not helping, Saotome!" Kasumi warned.
"Oops!" Ranma shrunk. "Sorry."
"Why are *you* so set against me marrying her?" Ryoga asked.
"It's not that I don't wish you both worlds of happiness," Kasumi explained, "it's just you're both too young. Furthermore this is all part of Nabiki's plot. Do you want to play right into her hands?"
"Resistance is futile." Ryoga shrugged.
"That's just what she wants you to think!" Kasumi said.
"The talking walrus is right, you are a bit young." Tofu nodded.
"Walrus?" Kasumi frowned.
"Shh!" Ranma whispered. "We told him you were a walrus wearing a Kasumi costume, since we didn't want him to rip Ryoga's head off while examining him . . . as fun as that might be to behold . . ."
"Oh-ho . . ." Kasumi nodded.
"Hey! I know what ta do!" Ranma cried.
"That's a first." Kasumi, Tofu and Ryoga said together.
"Shaddap!" Ranma scowled. "Listen, Kasumi we just let Ryoga ask Nabiki and she'll say no. Even if she says yes, when yer pop gets home he'll say no, and Ryoga will get bored with it as a cat gets bored with a dead mouse."
"Cats tend to *eat* dead mice." Kasumi noted.
"So let him eat his own idea." Ranma shrugged.
"Why does it seem like this plan will backfire?" Kasumi asked.
"Maybe because I'm sitting right here and I heard every word of it!" Ryoga waved.
Kasumi nodded. "Yeah, that's probably it. Well let's give it a shot, we just have to get Ryoga to promise not to do that depression fueled attack thing he does if she says no." Kasumi said.
"Aww . . . I like doing that." Ryoga slumped.
"Promise me!" Kasumi warned. "We already have a hole in the wall and no father at home to fix it!"
"Oh alright, I wont blow anything up if she says no." Ryoga sighed. "But she won't say no, I know she won't!" He said happily.
"I so hate to burst your bubble . . . oh well, I'll start preparing dinner."
"It's early mornin' in fact I gotta get to school soon." Ranma frowned.
"Oh . . . brunch then. I have to cook *something*." Kasumi frowned. "That's how I deal with stress . . . oh poor Ryoga. Either he'll become my brother-in-law or he'll die of grief."
"Would you guys please stop referring to me in the third person?" Ryoga asked.
"Hmm? Oh sorry, I forgot you were over there." Kasumi frowned.
Nabiki was watching a soap opera with Lotion when Ryoga and Kasumi showed up. "Where were you two?" She asked.
"We went to see Dr. Tofu." Kasumi said. "And then we dropped Ranma off at school. Akane said you were staying home today, is it because of the baby?" Kasumi asked.
"Baby? Oh . . . that . . . yeah, whatever." Nabiki shrugged. "Why did you go to see Dr. Tofu?" she asked.
"To have Ryoga's head examined, we think he might be insane."
"I'm standing right next to you, I can hear you!" Ryoga yelped.
"He seems sane to me." Lotion noted. "It is this Gray person who is insane." She said, pointing at the TV.
"No, that's his evil twin." Nabiki said.
"Oh! Oh well then it makes perfect sense." Lotion said.
"If you say so . . ." Nabiki frowned. She turned back to Kasumi. "So is he sane?"
"Tofu cant find anything wrong with him, but I tell you he's gone completely and utterly mad."
"Still standing right here." Ryoga noted.
"Oh! Ryoga, there you are!" Kasumi said.
"Eh . . . yeah." Ryoga nodded.
"I . . . really must go cook something." Kasumi sighed.
Nabiki shook her head. "Wow. Kasumi sure is stressed about something, you must be the cause if she's forgetting you're around."
"Yes . . . yes I am. She's very stressed because of me . . . do you know why?" Ryoga asked.
"How could I?" Nabiki raised an eyebrow.
"Eh . . . right. I er . . . well eh . . . I was going to do something she said was very stupid." Ryoga said. "That's why she thinks I'm insane. But I'm not! I'm sane! Sane I tell you!"
"You're not convincing me." Nabiki said.
"Me either." Lotion added. "Now, this Claudia woman, she is Gray's long lost mother, but she's only ten years old!"
"Yeah, I don't know how that one works." Nabiki nodded. She turned back to Ryoga. "So what's this insane thing you want to do? Go sky diving?" Nabiki asked. "'Cause that sure would be neat . . ."
"It would." Ryoga nodded. "But that's not what I had in mind . . ."
"Oh . . . well what is it?" Nabiki sighed. It was now a commercial so Lotion was paying attention too.
"Maybe I should write it down . . . that way I don't have to say it." Ryoga sighed.
"Don't do that!" Kasumi came out of the kitchen covered in flour. "You have to ask her, and it has to be perfect! And you have to say it in a really romantic voice and-hey! You!" She pointed at Lotion. "Get in here and help me bake cookies!"
"I can't cook!"
"Then you're going to learn!" Kasumi warned. "By god you're going to learn!" Lotion submitted and Kasumi nodded to Ryoga. "There, now do it!"
"I eh . . . guess I better . . . before Kasumi makes me bake cookies too." Ryoga frowned.
"Well then . . ." Nabiki pressed. "What were you supposed to ask me?"
"Eh . . . hmm . . . I wanted to know if . . . that is . . . hey Kasumi, need any more help in there?"
"You dug your grave Hibiki now lay in it . . . then you can come help me." Kasumi said. "After your funeral . . . at which I will cry."
"I'll cry too!" Lotion said from the kitchen. "Hey, what are these?"
"Egg beaters!"
"And where are these eggs to be beaten?"
Ryoga looked nervous, he was acting insane. Finally he said "Can we eh . . . do this in your room?"
"Aha! So THAT is what this is all about!" Nabiki cried triumphantly. "I've got you figured out Ryoga-honey, and as much as I'd like to comply it's just too early in the morning for that."
"I'm not trying to have sex with you." Ryoga noted.
"Then I really *don't* have you figured out." Nabiki frowned. "Okay, let's go." She led him to her room and then locked the door . . . just in case y'know?
"Okay sweetie, we're alone, Kasumi and Lotion are baking and that ought to take at least twenty minutes . . . plenty of time."
"I told you, this isn't about sex!" Ryoga yelped. "I mean . . . okay, yeah in some ways it is but in general it isnt."
"Oh . . . is this about the baby?" Nabiki frowned.
"Sort of." Ryoga nodded. "It stared out that way, but then I realized that baby or no baby this is what I want. I think."
"You think? Will you just tell me what you're talking about?"
"Okay . . . uh . . . so Nabiki . . . you wouldn't want to . . . get married would you?" He asked.
Nabiki's jaw dropped . . . "Well . . ." she said. "The answer to *that* question can only be . . ."
To Be Continued . . .
Next Chapter . . .
"I can disguise myself as *anyone* and anything!" Tsubassa scowled.
"Since when?" Ranma sneered. Tsubassa just slapped him.
"Who's your daddy?" Tsubassa cried.
"Quit it!"
"Who's your daddy?" Tsubassa slapped him again.
"Stop it!"
"Who's your daddy?"
"WAH!" Ranma ran off crying and Tsubassa followed.