Disclaimer: I don't own the Electric Slide, I cant even *do* the Electric Slide. It's only mentioned in the story, but I felt I should disclaim, so you don't sue me over a song I cant even dance to properly. You know who you are . . .
Charlotte's Web
Chapter 24
"Stuff Happens ..."
"Well . . ." Nabiki said. "The answer to *that* question can only be . . . well I mean . . ." She sighed. "I'm not pregnant you know? I was just trying to scam everyone, it didn't work so let's just forget about it."
"I eh . . . already knew that." Ryoga noted.
Nabiki blinked. "And . . . you asked me anyway?"
"Yeah."
"Are you crazy? Or just stupid?" Nabiki demanded.
"Like I said, baby or not this is what I want." He shrugged. "I love you, I want to spend the rest of my life with you, and then see about bribing god into letting me spend the rest of eternity with you. Maybe I really did go insane . . . I feel a lot better now. I think I'll go bake cookies!" He enthused.
"You're not going anywhere!" Nabiki growled. "I haven't given you my answer yet."
"Wasn't it 'no'?"
"Of course not!" Nabiki scowled.
"Then . . . what's your answer?" Ryoga asked, he looked as nervous as Nabiki felt. "I mean, maybe marriage is a big step, we've been together for a short time, only been on one date-maybe this is just infatuation or however it's said."
"I don't care how it's said, because you're not saying it again." Nabiki warned.
"Right-but we've been on one date, just one, and then we . . . anyway the more I think of it, the more I think it's a bad idea, and I just don't want to ruin your life and-"
"Do you *want* me to say no?" She raised an eyebrow.
"Eh . . . no, I don't . . . so you're accepting?" Ryoga looked confused.
"I eh . . . don't know . . ." Nabiki found for once she really didn't know what to say. She'd wanted to say 'yes' but she was not about to get married at seventeen. Especially to a guy who would probably get lost on the way to their wedding. She knew she should say 'no' but she didn't *want* to say 'no'. "I need to think about this one . . ." She grumbled.
"Eh . . . okay." Ryoga nodded. "I think that's best."
"I wonder how those cookies are coming along." Nabiki said, to change subject.
"We should check." Ryoga said.
"We *have* to check, what sort of people would we be if we didn't?" Nabiki asked. "Really cruel, evil people, that's what kind. Eh . . . you sure you didn't bring me up here for sex?"
"Pretty sure." Ryoga nodded.
She sighed. "Just checking."
"You may have enjoyed using up the minutes on my cellular phone, but it will be I who pays the bill . . . no . . . I don't even *have* a cellular phone!" Lotion grumbled to herself.
"Okay, that is starting to get creepy." Kasumi noted.
"Oh? Wait that's it! You may have enjoyed my creepiness, but it will be *I* who is - no, no I cant even *do* anything with that!" She cried.
"Then don't." Kasumi sighed. "Okay, pass me four eggs."
"Here." Lotion handed Kasumi something.
"What the-what are these?" Kasumi asked. They didn't feel like eggs. She looked at what the younger woman had passed her and sighed.
"Eggs . . . I think." Lotion nodded.
"These are onions!" Kasumi informed her.
"Use them!" Lotion cried. "Let us experiment!"
"Uh . . . no . . . just give me some eggs." Kasumi sighed.
"Right. Now . . . what do they look like?"
"My god woman, have you ever *eaten*?"
"Eaten what?"
"Eaten at all! How can you not know what eggs are?"
"I eat only the hearts of my enemies!" Lotion cried.
Kasumi looked at the girl and sighed. "You are kidding . . . right?"
"Yes. My diet consists of whatever I can get for free." Lotion explained. "Some times I must rob people . . . but alas, 'tis the life of the assassin. Many people offer me food in exchange for silence, but I have yet to be *that* hungry."
"You poor child!" Kasumi gasped. "I'll feed you if you shut up." Kasumi offered.
"Yes, that's what they all say and–hah! You may have enjoyed calling me a poor child, but it will be-"
"Don't do that." Kasumi warned.
"Sorry." Lotion sighed.
Kasumi watched the poor girl attempt to cook and tried to keep from screaming. Lotion put too much vanilla extract because it "smelled beautiful, like a bunny" and then used white chocolate chips and milk chocolate chips together because it was "ethnically diverse" and then she threw in marshmallows because they were "fluffy, like mice!" and at last tossed in a bit of peanut butter, saying "Your recipe calls for butter and a half cup of chopped nuts. By using peanut butter we kill two high profile targets with one knife."
"Don't you mean two birds with one stone?"
"You cant kill a bird with a stone! I've tried!" Lotion cried. She used normal eggs thankfully, but
she used six of them rather than four because she liked cracking them. These cookies would be interesting if nothing else.
The time had come to stir the batter. "Here, use this." Kasumi said. "It's electric!" She giggled, then began humming the "Electric slide".
"No . . . no thank you, I believe a knife will be better."
"For stirring?" Kasumi frowned.
"You doubt me?" Lotion cried.
"Use the beater." Kasumi said.
"Let me use the steak knives! I'll show you how to throw them afterwards!"
"No thank you, I like not knowing how to throw them." Kasumi tried to be polite, the fact was she didn't feel like steak knives needed to be thrown at all. Maybe she was just weird, but that was what she believed.
"But you'll never kill anyone that way!" Lotion gasped.
"Uh . . . you're so right. I tell you what. Use the egg beater and I'll let you teach me how to throw knives." Kasumi said.
"Yes ma'am!" Lotion enthused and began using the eggbeater. She struck the mixing bowl with it a few times. Kasumi sighed.
"You put the metal things in, and then press this button. It will mix the ingredients. Do not lose control of it."
"Right on!" Lotion pressed the button and everything was going fine. Until she let it go, clapped her hands together and said, "A job well done!" then everything splattered all over her face and she was forced to quickly regain control. She was very lucky that she was the only thing that got dirty, if Kasumi had had to clean the kitchen Lotion would learn just how deadly the eldest Tendo daughter could be, even without steak knives.
"Need help in there?" Nabiki asked.
"What? Oh no! Of course not!" Kasumi squeaked. She turned to Lotion. "Bake well my young apprentice, I will return." Kasumi rushed out of the kitchen and steered Nabiki and Ryoga away from the kitchen and sat them down. "Oh my! Oh my! Tell me, how did it go? You did ask her, right?" She asked Ryoga.
"Er . . . yes." The lost boy shrugged.
"You poor thing! You poor thing! It'll be okay! I know it all looks dark now, but the sun *will* rise!" Kasumi said, hugging Ryoga tightly.
"Er . . . Kasumi . . . I didn't say 'no' . . . and don't hug my boyfriend like that, I don't want him getting ideas." Nabiki frowned.
Kasumi blinked. She tried to say something, but didn't. She blinked again. Then glared at Ryoga.
"So you convinced her to be your wife eh? Well listen here Hibiki, you take good care of her or I will cut out that pleasure giving tongue of yours, and then rip your brains out through your nose, but not before I castrate you and-"
"I didn't say 'yes' either." Nabiki interrupted.
"Oh! Sorry Ryoga." Kasumi said. Ryoga looked strangely pale. "So what did you say?" Kasumi asked.
"I said . . . I needed to think about it." Nabiki shrugged.
"And by 'think' you mean . . . eventually say no?" Kasumi was all but pleading.
"No. I mean actually think about it." Nabiki shrugged.
"Nabiki!" Kasumi gasped. "Why is it that I am the only person who sees why you two cant get married?" For once, Kasumi felt like she was the smartest person in the room.
"I see why we cant, I see that we shouldn't, but I also feel that we must, and see why we should." Nabiki shrugged.
"What are you going to do when you go to college?" Kasumi asked.
"What do you mean?" Nabiki sighed.
"Well you'll miss out on all the orgies and such." Kasumi offered.
"That is true . . ." Nabiki frowned. "I'm not really one for the idea of orgies anyway. You think I want to get sexually transmitted diseases?"
"You wouldn't even be able to drink at your wedding!" Kasumi tried.
"Well I didn't plan to drink at my wedding anyway. I'm not making his job any easier." Nabiki grinned.
Kasumi threw her hands up in defeat. "Fine!" She sighed. "Fine then, be that way. But consider that he doesn't even have father's permission."
"That's true. But father wont be home for another two weeks right? Plenty of time for Ryoga and I to make a decision, and *if* my answer is yes, do you think father can stop me?"
Suddenly the door swung open and Soun walked in. "Hello girls! I'm back!"
"GAH!" Nabiki yelped.
Kasumi got up and rushed over to their father. She barely recognized him, his long hair was cut-and cut badly. "Father!" She enthused. "How good to have you home! Please don't kill Ryoga!"
"Gee . . . this is great daddy . . . and here I was, not expecting you back for another two weeks." Nabiki said, recovering her composure.
"Yes well . . . I came home early." Soun said. "Now . . . why would I want to kill Ryoga?"
"Because he and Nabiki are-" Kasumi began, but Nabiki threw a hand over her mouth.
"Don't listen to her!" Nabiki cried.
"Eh . . . oh-ho. Well, girls I've missed you all so much . . . when auntie Nodoka gets here, tell her you *don't* want to move to Hawaii."
"Yes sir!" Kasumi giggled.
"Oh joy." Nabiki said with forced enthusiasm.
"Okay, I've wanted to ask for a while now, what does "castrate" mean?" Ryoga finally opened his mouth.
Soun raised an eyebrow, and gave Kasumi a look as if to say 'what the heck is he talking about?'
"The assassin has failed." One of Akari's underlings said. "Nabiki is still with Ryoga, and she still lives."
"Is the assassin dead?" Akari demanded.
"No . . . she was . . . eh . . . drinking tea and watching TV the last time I checked."
"Oh phooey, she lived." Cologne sighed.
"Traitor!" Akari screamed. "I need someone I can trust will do the job!" Akari cried.
"Azusa knows just the some one!" The girl with the curly hair cried.
"Who? Who!" Akari demanded.
"Azusa knows some ninjas who work for her some times."
"And?"
"And they kidnaped Charlotte for Azusa lots of times!"
"But I don't want Charlotte!"
"Charlotte is what she calls Ryoga." Cologne interjected.
"How would you know that?" Akari demanded.
"I know everything." Cologne shrugged.
"And so you see, the ship moved faster when we played musicc" Soun explained.
"Oh-ho . . . but even then, how did you get back so quickly?" Kasumi asked.
"Yeah . . . about that . . ."
FLASHBACK...
"Okay, if getting home quickly is so important to you," Nodoka said, "I'll have sex with the emergency helicopter pilot so he'll take you back to Japan."
"You WOULDN'T!" Genma cried.
"Honey, it's an emergency, a friend needs me to do it."
"That's quite alright, if that's the only way, then I can wait." Soun said.
"Oh . . . that's too bad because I already did it." Nodoka said. "Off you go Tendo!" She waved him off, Soun got into the helicopter and left Nodoka and Genma, the latter was shouting and pulling imaginary hairs from his head, the former seemed not to notice.
PRESENT DAY
"Eh . . . you don't need to know how I got back so quickly." Soun decided. "And eh . . . neither one of you is allowed to associate with Auntie Nodoka until you are twenty one . . . and even then, sparingly."
"What ever floats your boat." Nabiki shrugged.
Soun began to laugh uproariously. "HAHAHA! It's funny! It's funny because I was on a boat! HAHAHAHA! How does she come up with this-you're grounded." He said suddenly devoid of humor.
"What for?" Nabiki raised an eyebrow. "Making a joke?"
"No, you're grounded for getting yourself pregnant."
"Oh daddy, don't be silly!" Nabiki chuckled. "I can't get *myself* pregnant! Ryoga helped."
"GAH!" Ryoga yelped.
"Well in that case, Ryoga, you're grounded!" Soun said. He felt very pleased with himself.
"Uh . . . father, Nabiki isn't pregnant." Kasumi said. "It was a misunderstanding."
"Caused in large by *you* and you're overactive imagination." Nabiki added.
"Huh?" Soun frowned. "Why didn't you say so before?" He demanded.
"You didn't ask." Nabiki shrugged. "You just proclaimed me grounded."
Soun scratched his head. "But you are seeing Ryoga? I did not imagine that?"
"Yes. We're together, it's a somewhat untraditional relationship, but I think he enjoys it." Nabiki shrugged. Soun frowned. He glared at Ryoga.
"Do you enjoy it! Are you enjoying this relationship?" He grabbed the young man by the collar of his shirt, "Tell me you're not enjoying it! You cannot be enjoying it! Are you enjoying it? ARE YOU!?!"
"Cant remember, too scared." Ryoga said, averting his gaze and making Soun feel positively superior.
"Are you two sleeping together?" Soun asked, dropping Ryoga.
"No."
"No."
"Yes."
"Who said yes?"
"Kasumi?" Ryoga asked.
"Kasumi?" Nabiki asked.
"It was me." Kasumi confirmed.
"So you *are* sleeping together!" Soun raged. "The dishonor! The shame!"
"We don't!" Nabiki protested. Then she laughed, "okay, okay, we are. But not like you think, it's just like how Akane used to let P-Chan sleep with her, Ryoga sleeps as P-Chan, easier for us to both fit in my bed this way."
"As P-Chan? My daughter is sleeping with a pig?" Soun cried.
"Akane did it." Nabiki pointed out.
"Yes but . . . she didn't know . . . he was just a pervert! And besides . . . I don't . . . oh fiddlesticks!" Soun sighed. He looked at his daughters and the boy who'd slept with at least one of them. He scowled.
"Why then did Ryoga actually believe you when you told him he was the father of your child?" Nabiki shrugged.
"Well that hole in the wall is pretty bad." Soun said at last.
"Really?" Nabiki looked at it. "I forgot it was there."
"I thought we fixed it!" Ryoga frowned.
Soun blinked. 'What are those two *doing* together that they'd forget something like that? He better not be introducing her to any drugs! I always knew that boy was a pill popper! Corrupting my youngest-eh oldest-eh middle child! He will pay!" Soun scowled. "Thank you for volunteering boy, now go fix it!" He said sinisterly, slapping Ryoga on the back.
"Wha? Me? But I-"
"You *are* the family slave." Nabiki noted.
"But I don't know how to fix holes in walls!" Ryoga said.
"You fixed my door. I'm sure it's roughly the same principal." Nabiki said.
"Hey!" Some one cried form the kitchen. "When do I get to stop doing this?"
"Oh my!" Kasumi gasped. "The cookies!" She rushed off to the kitchen.
"Cookies?" Soun decided to follow her.
There, in his kitchen was a young woman who resembled shampoo slightly-excepting that her breasts weren't so voluptuously large, and her hair was white. She was wearing one of Ryoga's shirts and what looked like a pair of Ranma's Chinese pants. Her feet were bare save for several bracelets on her ankles. Soun gawked and pointed. "Akane! What have you done to your hair? And . . . have you had breast implants? And you're skinnier! And your hair!"
Kasumi and Akane(?) looked at him, then each other, then blinked. "Erm . . . Father, this is-" The new girl interrupted Kasumi.
"The *Feared* Amazonian Warrior, Han Lo-Chun!"
"Hand Lotion is it? Well very nice to meet you."
"WHA? Why does everyone think my name is Hand Lotion? Is it my pronunciation or something?"
"No, it's just easier to remember." Kasumi smiled.
"She's got you there." Soun nodded. "Now . . . you're not sleeping with my daughter too are you?"
"What?" Lotion yelped.
"You're grounded!" Soun cried.
"But I-"
"She's baking cookies father," Kasumi explained, "and she's not sleeping with any of your daughters . . ."
"Cookies?" Soun nodded sagely. "All is forgiven."
"But she *was* fooling around with Ryoga in a hot tub!" Nabiki interjected.
"Hmm? I did what? Hey! THAT'S why I followed you back here!" Lotion cried. "I was trying to think of something clever to say!"
"Eh?" Soun was confused now. "Well then for flirting with Ryoga, you're confined to this premisis until you have baked five hundred cookies."
"Once these cookies are finished, you will hear the most clever, witty retort ever!" Lotion cried.
"A retort has to be said quickly, after about half a day it's too late for your comeback to be a retort." Nabiki said.
"You may enjoy calling my retort a comeback, but it will be I who bakes these cookies!"
"Sounds fair." Nabiki nodded.
Lotion threw her fist into the air in triumph. "Hah! Victory for Lo-Chun! I've . . . no wait! That wasn't right!"
Ryoga set about making preparations to repair the wall, suddenly two men in black stood near the hole. "You! Ryoga Hibiki!" One of them cried.
"We have come to take you to our new employer!" The other said.
"Oh boy!" Ryoga groaned. "Why the heck does this have to happen to me?"
"Come quietly, or we take you by force!"
Ryoga scowled. "Who is your new employer?"
"We cannot tell you that!" The first ninja cried.
"Well fine then!" Ryoga scowled. "Try to take me by force, but I warn you, I'm the greatest fighter in the country!"
Suddenly Ranma leapt up in the middle of class and shouted, "No yer NOT!"
"Ranma!" Hinako cried. "What are you talking about?"
Ranma blinked. "I don't know!" He gasped.
The two ninjas lunged in, Ryoga dodged to the side and tried to kick one of them, but the bugger dodged, and whipped out a huge flail. "Where did you hide that?"
"I'm a ninja!" The ninja informed him. "The greatest master of concealed weapons in the world!"
Suddenly Mousse leapt up in the middle of cleaning the pigsty that had until so recently been his room and shouted, "No you are NOT!"
"What you talking, stupid Mousse?" Shampoo demanded.
Mousse blinked. "I do not know!" He gasped.
Ryoga leapt aside, avoiding the flail, the spiked end smashed into the wall, making the hole even bigger.
"Our comrades are in prison thanks to you and that insane person on the motorcycle!" The second ninja said. "We took this job for free!"
"How's that going to help you restore your cult?" Ryoga blinked.
"Hey!" The second ninja cried. "He's right!"
"We'll worry about that later!" The first ninja scowled. "For now, GET HIM!"
There was a streak of silver, and suddenly one of the ninjas-the second one-was pinned to a tree, a butcher's knife holding him in place by a shirt sleeve.
"I *told* you! They were meant to be thrown!" Lotion chuckled.
"Oh my god!" Kasumi groaned. "Will he live?"
"I just got his outfit! There's no blood!" Lotion cried.
"The pain!" The ninja screamed.
"It's just a flesh wound!" Lotion cried.
"My spleen!"
"Wow . . . Ryoga, you're screwing the wall up even worse!" Nabiki shouted.
"We've been spotted!" The first ninja cried, he lunged for Ryoga with the flail again, Ryoga dodged and then kicked the ninja in the back, he flew through what was left of the wall.
"Well daddy . . . you always said you wanted a second patio." Nabiki offered.
"I never did!" Soun cried. He began to cry. "My house! My beautiful house!"
"There, there," Lotion said, patting Soun on the shoulder. "The important thing is that your insurance will take care of this."
"The insurance company cancelled the contract two weeks after Ranma moved in!" Soun cried.
"Hmm . . . in that case at least your son is alright."
"He's not my son!" Soun glared at Nabiki, "Is he?" He said accusingly, Nabiki just shrugged.
"Oh . . . you know what?" Lotion asked.
"What?" Soun wept.
"He's not your son, you've got no insurance, and you don't want a second potato-"
"Patio." Kasumi corrected.
"Same difference. Anyway, all that considered . . . you are screwed."
"I know!" Soun cried.
"Actually daddy," Nabiki began, "Ryoga did propo-"
"Finish that sentence and collect from his will!" Kasumi warned.
Nabiki looked truly stricken, Ryoga could both tell she considered both options (her father's continued survival, and collecting a portion of his possessions) to be appealing.
BING!
"My cookies!" Lotion cried. "They're burning!" She ran off in a panic.
Ryoga blinked. The ninjas blinked. They looked at each other. The two ninjas just shook their heads in sync and walked off.
Ryoga looked at the mutilated wall, then at Nabiki and Kasumi, both of whom looked really annoyed. That was nothing new for Nabiki, but when you annoy Kasumi you know you've really screwed up. Soun of course was still crying.
"Eh . . . it wasn't my fault?" Ryoga offered.
"But you are going to fix it." Nabiki warned.
"Eh . . . right." Ryoga nodded.
"Then we're cool." Kasumi nodded. She turned to Nabiki. "Shall we?"
"Indeed." Nabiki nodded.
They went off to the kitchen. Soun stood up and scowled. "My wall!" He cried. "It's been ruined!"
"We can fix it!" Ryoga protested.
"We? WE!" Soun screamed.
"I meant me! Me! Myself! I can fix it!" Ryoga cried.
"You better!" Soun scowled.
"I don't suppose now would be a good time to ask you for some building materials." Ryoga noted.
"GAH!" Soun screamed and fell to the ground twitching.
"But you're rich aren't you? Cant you hire some one to come fix the wall?"
"I spent most of my money building in Hawaii!"
"Eat the cookie!" Lotion insisted.
"No . . . I don't think I will." Kasumi said.
"Eat it!" Lotion pleaded.
"They *are* very good!" Nabiki blinked.
"Truly I am amazing!" Lotion chuckled to herself.
Kasumi took a bite of one of the cookies . . . it was incredible! It was like there was a party in her mouth and everyone was invited . . . the cookie was incredible! "This is great!"
"Because I'm amazing!" Lotion snickered.
"I didn't think they would turn out this good!" Kasumi said.
"Why not?" Nabiki asked.
"Well she put onions, peanut butter, marshmallows, and cheddar powder in them."
Nabiki blinked. She looked at the cookie. The horrified look on her face however evaporated and she shoved the rest of her cookie into her mouth. "Out of sight, out of mind." She said after she swallowed it.
"And into mouth." Kasumi noted. "I pity Ryoga."
"Why?" Nabiki asked.
"He has to kiss you, and you're eating onion cookies."
"Actually, I want to call them marshion cookies." Lotion said.
"Martian cookies?" Kasumi blinked.
"Marshion. Marshmallow-onion cookies!" Lotion cried. "Oh, and don't worry, I balanced out the onions with toothpaste so it's all good."
"Okay . . ." Nabiki blinked. "I could deal with cheddar powder, onions and marshmallows but I draw the line at toothpaste."
"I guess you don't want to know about the gummy bears . . ."
"I thought I tasted gummy bears!" Nabiki blinked.
"Where did you even get gummy bears?" Kasumi demanded.
"Oh I can get whatever I want." Lotion shrugged.
"How?"
"I cant tell you that!"
"But I thought you grew up eating whatever was free!"
"I did. I still survive that way." Lotion smiled.
"But then how do you get gummy bears?"
"They were free." Lotion shrugged.
Nabiki blinked. "And where might one acquire free gummy animals?"
"Oh I can get *all kinds* of junk food for free. Pretty neat huh?" Lotion winked.
"Hey! That *is* neat!" Nabiki exclaimed.
"You see ever since I came to Japan I found this gummy factory, and they like to throw away all sorts of stuff that only looks mildly spoiled."
"I . . . I don't . . . know what to say!" Nabiki gasped. "I . . . I think I'm going to throw up!"
"Do not worry, I know how to make a smoothie that will cure whatever ails you!" Lotion cried.
"But you'd never cooked before today!" Kasumi cried.
"Yes. Yes, but while I baked the cookies there was so much left over stuff I thought it'd be good to make them into a smoothie."
"Don't you need ice cream for a smoothie?" Nabiki raised an eyebrow.
"Indeed. We shall send your male servant to fetch some." Lotion said.
"Oh don't call Ryoga that!" Kasumi squeaked.
"No wait! I like that! Hey! Male Servant person! Get over here!"
"Nabiki, I'll just get the ice cream." Kasumi said.
"Why? Don't think Ryoga can do it?" Nabiki huffed.
Kasumi shook her head. "No, I'm sure he can, it's just that by the time he gets there and back a month or so will have passed."
"And the ice cream . . . would have melted." Nabiki nodded. "Very well Kasumi, off you go!"
later that night . . .
Kasumi looked around nervously, everyone seemed pretty tense. Most everyone had a reason too.
Ranma because he had to help Ryoga and father fix the wall, (which was not finished yet) Akane because she wanted to tell father that she'd been the first one to know about the baby, but at the same time since everyone knew by now that there was no baby, it'd be rather stupid to announce that you were the first moron to fall for something.
Nabiki was tense because father kept making comments about how she could do better, and about how she'd burn in hell if she'd lost her virginity out of holy wedlock, father was tense because some one was seeing his middle daughter whom he was now vocally lamenting not having spent enough time with, and of course Ryoga was tense because he was the one seeing Soun's middle daughter.
Kasumi wasn't sure why Lotion was tense, probably because she still hadn't thought of something witty to say, and she'd once again forgotten what the subject was. This girl . . . her memory . . . Kasumi couldn't remember anyone with a memory this bad . . . she'd probably forget her name if she didn't keep introducing herself to everyone she met. She was also sensing some bad blood between Akane and Lotion, the former tensed into a fighting position whenever the latter picked up the butter knife. Lotion, in a mix of her obsession with knives, and teasing Akane, was fooling around with the blade almost nonstop.
Kasumi sighed, and realized she herself was pretty tense. She didn't know why . . . maybe she just needed to get laid. She wondered what she'd done with Dr. Tofu's number . . .(A/N: Just KIDDING!!!)
Suddenly Soun slammed his fist down on the table. "That's it! Akane! Are you still a virgin?"
"Nuh-yeah." Akane blinked.
"Ranma! You are no longer allowed to marry Akane!" Soun said.
"One down!" Ranma cried, he whipped out a little piece of paper with Akane, Ukyo, and Shampoo's faces on it forming a triangle. He crossed out Akane's face and laughed maniacally.
"And yet you must inherit the Tendo Dojo! Damnation! Well just know that you're never allowed to have sex with her!"
"Damnation!" Ranma agreed, and wiped the big red X off Akane's face-apparently it'd been washable.
"Nabiki! What is that on your neck?"
"It's a scarf daddy."
"It's Ryoga's! Is that a testament to your undying love? A symbol of your pledge to each other? Is it?" Soun screamed.
"Eh . . . yeah I guess it is." Nabiki shrugged. "I just think it looks good on me."
"I have over a hundred-" Ryoga was trying to explain, "Ranma has one too, he stole it but it's okay, I mean it was just--"
"I wont have it!" Soun screamed. "So you are seeing my Nabiki, Ranma, and one hundred other women?"
"N-No!" Ryoga yelped.
Kasumi sighed as father tried to strangle Ryoga. Everyone found it very amusing except Lotion who shouted advice to both parties. Terrible advice, no wonder Shampoo beat her ass so often.
"Don't squeeze so hard! If he cant breath he wont know he is doomed! Don't struggle with your arms and legs, try to set his hair on fire with your mind! You can do it!"
Kasumi smiled weakly. That settled it, Ryoga just had to marry Nabiki, daddy was strangling him, he was part of the family now.
That night-when everyone went to sleep, the 1/2 cast was assaulted by very strange dreams.
Ranma's Dream . . .
Ranma was running through a field of beautiful wild flowers with Akane, they were dancing, singing, and eh . . . erm . . . kissing. Then when they kissed Akane turned into Ukyo, this was even better. Ranma kissed deeper. She turned into Shampoo, this wasn't so good, Ranma tried to stop kissing, but now Shampoo was inhaling his face. Then Shampoo turned into Kodachi, and Ranma was paralyzed.
Then the unimaginable happened. As Ranma thought of how much Kodachi resembled Kuno . . . Kodachi *became* her brother Tatewaki Kuno.
"Ahh! Ahh!" Ranma cried. "Get off me! I aint even a girl!"
"Oh pigtailed girl! Of my reputation I care not, all I desire is your presence in my bed." He paused. "Eh . . . with me in it too." He added.
"I figured s'much." Ranma scowled. "Cant ya even see I aint a woman?" Ranma said, ripping his shirt off but suddenly (BOING) he was Ranko . . . and in bed with Kuno . . . in a rather passionate kiss . . . "AAAHHHHHHHH!!!!!!"
Though Ranma's scream filled the entire house, Kasumi's dreams went on undisturbed . . .
Kasumi's Dream . . .
"Yeah! Being evil rocks!" A black leather and chain wearing Kasumi growled, smashing an Australian beer can on her forehead. She jumped on her motorcycle. "Let's RIDE!" She cried to her gang.
"Eh . . . I have a motorcycle too." Tofu said. "And a jacket. I'm pretty bad ass."
"Bad is right you ass!" Kasumi cried, she pulled out a 'nine and 'capped the good doctor. "Bake *me* cookies!" She cried, and off she rode into the distance with her gang, planning to T.P. a church, then throw eggs at an orphanage.
Strangely that brought a grin to Kasumi's lips, and she smiled in her sleep, but . . .
Lotion's dream . . .
"At last! Finally! The day has come!" Lotion cried to Shampoo. "It is about time you acknowledged me as the superior fighter I *so* am!"
"Shake Shampoo's hand?" Shampoo asked.
Lotion scoffed and shook Shampoo's hand-"Ouch!"
"Hah! Now Lo-Chun *must* find cure!"
"Find cure for what?"
"There no cure? Shampoo not want turn into baloney!"
"I don't either!" Lotion yelped.
"I delicious!" Shampoo screamed. "Taste!"
Lotion licked Shampoo's hand, then licked her own. "I'm delicious!"
"We both delicious! We eat each other, yes?"
"We what?"
Shampoo lunged forward and started licking Lotion *all over.*
"CCCCAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!!!" Lotion screamed, waking from her sleep. "Wait . . . only a dream! It was only a dream! I am alive! I am alive! And I do not taste delicious! I am not delicious!" Lotion all but sang.
"Who're you trying to convince?" Ryoga grumbled from the other side of the dojo where the two were sleeping.
"You!" She cried. "You heard nothing! If you try to eat me I will slit your throat!"
"Eh?"
"I am not delicious!" Lotion cried. "I am straight! Straight!! And delicious in no way whatsoever!"
"I believe you." Ryoga yawned.
"I am not! My body tastes the same as any other woman's!"
"Meh." Ryoga went back to sleep.
"It is true!" Lotion cried. "Don't make me prove it! Oh you dirty minded male thing! You'd just love to gaze upon my poor, naked . . . HEY! That's it! That is why I came here!"
But Ryoga was asleep . . .
Ryoga's Dream . . .
"Daddy! I got an A on my history paper!" Ryoga's daughter said.
"So what? I got an A on my English, and Math." Said Ryoga's other daughter.
"That's great kids!" Ryoga said. "How about a reward?" He handed his first daughter ten dollars (not yen) then his second daughter twenty.
"Why does Stacy get more?" The first one demanded.
"Eh . . . because she got two A's." Ryoga said simply. "You try harder next time, and you'll get a better reward."
"But I tried my hardest this time, and showing favoritism to your second daughter will only discourage me from trying harder in the future!"
So Ryoga gave her another ten.
"But father!" The one called Stacy said, "if you give her more money for less work, it might discourage me from maintaining a level of excellence similar to the one I do now, as I shan't have to continue bringing home two A's because you just gave us the same amount of money, even though I deserve twice as much."
"Huh?"
"Long sentences confuse father . . . leave him vulnerable . . ." His third daughter said, jotting it down on a little memo pad.
"What that means daddy, is why should she get the same amount of money if I did twice as well?"
"You're right . . . eh . . . here." Ryoga handed her another twenty.
"But now I, your third daughter don't have any reward at all, and I might not feel inspired to work to achieve one!" The third child tried.
Ryoga's mind twisted. "Shouldn't *not* having a reward motivate you to try to earn one?" he asked.
"You're a mean daddy and I hate you! I will hate you forever!" The girl cried.
"Eh-here's five dollars."
"I will only stop hating you when you die!!"
"Ten . . ."
"I suppose I'll come to your funeral."
"Twenty!" Ryoga scowled.
"Thank you daddy! I love you so much! Even if you're not my real daddy!"
"I'm not what?" Ryoga asked.
"Whoa!" Number one cried.
"Hey!" Stacy said. "She got a reward for doing nothing! While we get nothing for doing everything!"
Ryoga looked around frantically. He saw Nabiki shaking her head looking amused. He shouted a curse and just threw the girls his wallet. "I'm no good at this 'parenting' crap and you know it!" He shouted accusingly at Nabiki. "They're your daughters! *Your* daughters!" He ran off and threw himself out a window, screaming hysterically.
Ryoga woke up, rubbing his head. Lotion had gone back to sleep. He looked around, the dojo was dark and for some reason he was now more afraid than ever to marry Nabiki. He wondered what she dreamt about . . .
Nabiki's Dream . . .
"You!" She shouted, pointing at MiniMouse, "Stop being jolly!"
"Eeek . . ." The little floating mouse thing squeaked.
"Ryo-GIR!" Nabiki shouted, a little silver robot dressed up like Ryoga with big cute green eyes appeared. "Prepare the teleporter!" Nabiki cried. "I cant wait to beam the hu-mans to the almighty shortest as slaves!"
"CHICKEN! Tee-hee-hee! I made mashed po-tay-toes!" Ryo-GIR giggled.
Nabiki blinked. "Yyeessss . . . and muffins." Nabiki nodded. "NOW prepare the teleporter!" She cried.
"Mommy!" A girl barged in, she was . . . so cute! She looked just like Nabiki as a child, except she too had one of Ryoga's bandannas around her neck. She also had fangs like Ryoga's.
"What is it . . . eh . . . child?" Nabiki demanded.
"Are you supreme emperor of the world yet?"
"I'm working on it." Nabiki assured her daughter.
"Oh . . . because there is a mean girl at school who pushed me, and says you're just insane, and that you're never going to conquer the world."
Nabiki handed her daughter a laser rifle. "Then make her silent my child, make her silent."
Nabiki grinned wickedly in her sleep, until Ryoga shook her awake. "Hey!" He whispered. "Wake up!"
Nabiki blinked. Rubbed sleep from her eyes. Looked around. "What do you want?" She demanded acidly.
"Nabiki . . . I . . . I . . ."
"Oh god! Not now honey!" Nabiki moaned. "I'm so tired!" Ryoga gave her a genuinely confused look. She sighed. "So . . . again . . . you're not here for that . . ."
"Why do you think I am?" Ryoga demanded, understanding what she'd meant.
"I dunno, just seems strange we've only done it once. We should have sex again Ryoga."
"Later." Ryoga said nervously. "Nabiki . . . I . . . I . . . I . . . I-"
"Spit it out!"
Ryoga closed his eyes as if he was afraid of what he himself was going to say. "I'm . . . I'm leaving."
"You're . . . what?" Nabiki blinked.
"I'm in love with Akari . . . I cant be with you."
Nabiki blinked. "You damn well better be joking!" She scowled.
"I wish I were. You're too possessive, too over protective. I should be protecting you-but you wont allow it. We are too different you and I, Akari understands me, and she likes pigs. I have to go."
"But . . ."
"I hate to do this to you, with the baby coming and all . . ."
"The baby?"
"Yes, I know what you must think of me. You have every right."
"Who are you? What are you playing at? You're not Ryoga, I already told him the truth about the baby!"
"The truth? Of course I know the truth." Ryoga said. "I'm so sorry I wasn't more careful sweetie. If only I'd pulled away a moment sooner . . ."
"Ryoga . . ." Nabiki said, hiding her skepticism, "Do you remember what I told you today?"
"Oh . . . eh . . . of course."
"It was lovely."
"Eh . . ."
"I've never seen anything prettier." Nabiki continued. "I . . . suppose you want it back?"
"Right . . . well eh . . . yeah . . . eh . . . what exactly?" Ryoga asked.
"The engagement ring."
"Engagement ring?" 'Ryoga' yelped. "You two were *that* serious?!"
"Aha! You're you not Ryoga at all!" Nabiki growled. " While he *did* propose there was no ring! Hah! Who are you? What are you trying to accomplish?"
"I'll never tell!"
"Who are you?" Nabiki demanded again.
"Never!"
"Who are you!" Nabiki grabbed the imposter by the collar."
"I would rather die!"
"Who are you!" Nabiki screamed, acting as if to punch the impostor.
"I can't stand to be asked the same question three times! Tsubassa! It's me! Tsubassa!" Nabiki punched him anyway. "Ouch!"
"I asked you who you were four times!"
"No! The first question was 'Who are you?' then your second question was 'What are you trying to accomplish?' and then three 'Who are you?'s"
"What are you trying to accomplish?"
"I'll never tell you!"
"What are you trying to accomplish? What are you trying to accomplish?"
"I'll never-darn! Three times! Akari hired me, promising me a date with Ukyo if I could convince you Ryoga was in love with her, so you'd dump him and kick him out! The disguise was so good! So good! It was so hard to adjust my voice! So hard! Tell me my acting was good! Tell me it was goooood!"
"Akari! That *horrible* girl!" Nabiki scowled. "That's it! This means WAR!"
"Yay! A war!" Lo-Chun cried, running into Nabiki's room.
"What's going on?" Kasumi asked. She, Soun, Ranma, Akane-heck, everyone had come into the room now. Nabiki sweat dropped and glared.
"Akari is trying to split me and Ryoga up!" Nabiki scowled.
"Oh is that all?" Soun chuckled. "Noble man this Akari."
"Akari is a girl, father." Kasumi said.
"Oh . . . yes . . . the pig farmer right?"
"Why is Ryoga in your room?" Akane asked, winking. Nabiki threw a pillow at her.
"It's Tsubassa! Disguised!"
"I didn't know ya could disguise yerself as Ryoga!" Ranma blinked.
"I can disguise myself as *anyone* and anything!" Tsubassa scowled.
"Since when?" Ranma sneered. Tsubassa just slapped him.
"Who's your daddy?" Tsubassa cried.
"Quit it!"
"Who's your daddy?" Tsubassa slapped him again.
"Stop it!"
"Who's your daddy?"
"WAH!" Ranma ran off crying and Tsubassa followed.
Nabiki glared around the room. "That was . . . odd." Kasumi said at last.
Nabiki scowled. "Where is Ryoga now?"
"Oh . . . the male servant? He woke up in a stupor talking about chocolate horses so I sent him to sleep in the living room." Lo-Chun shrugged. "I didn't see him there when I came up here."
"My Ryoga is out wandering around? He could be anywhere! And with that Akari wench out trying to-we've got to find him!" Nabiki cried. "He could be in China by now!
"Leave me alone!" Ranma cried, running by Nabiki's door.
"Who's your daddy?" Tsubassa cried as he chased Ranma by the door.
The door poor Ryoga had fixed not so long ago . . . Nabiki's heart ached for her beloved! "I'm going to make Akari pay!" She cried. Then she lied down.
"Are you going to sleep?" Kasumi sounded surprised.
"Duh! I'm sleepy." Nabiki said. "Besides, I've probably got like two seconds before this morning sickness crap kicks in."
"You were full of fire a second ago!" Soun cried in surprise. "Now you fear morning sickness?"
"Being full of fire is tiring." Nabiki explained. "And I do so love to sleep when I'm tired."
"My daughter, you're beloved is wandering the streets, likely he'll be abducted by Akari!"
"Yeah . . . that is pretty bad. I guess I'll have to break *both* her legs." Nabiki yawned.
"But you're not even a martial artist!" Akane cried.
"Yeah . . . I'll get Kinnosuke to buy me a sledge hammer in exchange for a date."
"But if you love Ryoga why would you date Kinnosuke?" Kasumi demanded.
"Oh you'll understand some day." Nabiki yawned. "I don't have to love some one to date them, let alone empty their wallet . . ."
"And Kuno says *he* has a twisted sister." Akane scowled and Nabiki's room was emptied.
Shouts of "Who's your daddy?" and "Cut it out!" lulled her to sleep.
"Wow!" Akari blinked. "Nabiki kicked him out sooner than I'd expected!"
"Yes . . . well my plans never fail." Cologne shrugged.
"Your plan?" Akari raised an eyebrow. "It wasn't even your plan!"
"Yes . . . and that is why it shall fail."
"Who cares? Now I don't have to eat Katsunishiki!"
"BBRRUUUNNTT." The giant pig grunted, Akari patted him on the side.
"That's right!" She said happily. "Now lets go get Ryoga!"
Ryoga yawned and traveled through the yard . . . where was the living room? He was outside now, he wasn't so bad he didn't know that. But it was dark so he couldn't figure out which door was the Tendo's door, one led to the dojo, one led to the house . . . one led to the street . . .
But he didn't have to choose because Akari showed up next, riding Katsunishiki. "Ryoga! Oh Ryoga! Fancy meeting you here!"
"Eh . . . yeah."
"Hey! It's such a lovely night, why don't we go out on a date?" Akari asked.
"It's ten o'clock!" Ryoga looked at his wrist, "Eh, eleven o'clock."
"You're not wearing a watch silly!" Akari giggled.
"R---ight." Ryoga nodded. "Eh . . . hey, can you sort of help me get back to the Tendo place, I'm pretty sure I'm in their yard . . ." Ryoga said.
"Oh silly, this isn't their yard! This is . . . Ukyo's yard. So, get on Katsunishiki, and I'll take you home!"
"Gee thanks!" Ryoga said. "This is really nice of you-wait a minute! Ukyo doesn't have a yard like this! In fact Ukyo doesn't-"
"Get him!" Akari cried, and from out of nowhere a bunch of rabid fan girls leapt out and tied him up. "Heh heh heh! Maybe Nabiki has an *amazing* body, maybe she has intelligence, and maybe she *thinks* she's your girlfriend, but I'm the one who has you tied up! Hah!" Akari cried.
Ryoga blinked. "Eh . . . you know . . . this is sort of extreme . . ."
"That's because I am extremely in love with you!" Akari giggled.
"R---ight . . . can you let me go now?" Ryoga asked.
"NO!" Akari cried. "Now my minions, let us take him back to the farm! Onward! Hah!" She jabbed her heels into Katsunishiki's side, the giant pig roared and bucked her off, she landed face first. "Ouch! Curses! Now we've been heard! Let's go!" She jumped back on the pig and off went the RHFC.
To Be Continued . . .
Next Chapter . . .
Eventually Ryoga and Kasumi were the only people still at the table, she cleared everything away, Ryoga decided to break the silence so he asked, "Kasumi, were you at one point the town's most infamous whore until you ended up on the wrong end of a ten on one?"
Kasumi's jaw dropped, so did the plates she was holding.
Charlotte's Web
Chapter 24
"Stuff Happens ..."
"Well . . ." Nabiki said. "The answer to *that* question can only be . . . well I mean . . ." She sighed. "I'm not pregnant you know? I was just trying to scam everyone, it didn't work so let's just forget about it."
"I eh . . . already knew that." Ryoga noted.
Nabiki blinked. "And . . . you asked me anyway?"
"Yeah."
"Are you crazy? Or just stupid?" Nabiki demanded.
"Like I said, baby or not this is what I want." He shrugged. "I love you, I want to spend the rest of my life with you, and then see about bribing god into letting me spend the rest of eternity with you. Maybe I really did go insane . . . I feel a lot better now. I think I'll go bake cookies!" He enthused.
"You're not going anywhere!" Nabiki growled. "I haven't given you my answer yet."
"Wasn't it 'no'?"
"Of course not!" Nabiki scowled.
"Then . . . what's your answer?" Ryoga asked, he looked as nervous as Nabiki felt. "I mean, maybe marriage is a big step, we've been together for a short time, only been on one date-maybe this is just infatuation or however it's said."
"I don't care how it's said, because you're not saying it again." Nabiki warned.
"Right-but we've been on one date, just one, and then we . . . anyway the more I think of it, the more I think it's a bad idea, and I just don't want to ruin your life and-"
"Do you *want* me to say no?" She raised an eyebrow.
"Eh . . . no, I don't . . . so you're accepting?" Ryoga looked confused.
"I eh . . . don't know . . ." Nabiki found for once she really didn't know what to say. She'd wanted to say 'yes' but she was not about to get married at seventeen. Especially to a guy who would probably get lost on the way to their wedding. She knew she should say 'no' but she didn't *want* to say 'no'. "I need to think about this one . . ." She grumbled.
"Eh . . . okay." Ryoga nodded. "I think that's best."
"I wonder how those cookies are coming along." Nabiki said, to change subject.
"We should check." Ryoga said.
"We *have* to check, what sort of people would we be if we didn't?" Nabiki asked. "Really cruel, evil people, that's what kind. Eh . . . you sure you didn't bring me up here for sex?"
"Pretty sure." Ryoga nodded.
She sighed. "Just checking."
"You may have enjoyed using up the minutes on my cellular phone, but it will be I who pays the bill . . . no . . . I don't even *have* a cellular phone!" Lotion grumbled to herself.
"Okay, that is starting to get creepy." Kasumi noted.
"Oh? Wait that's it! You may have enjoyed my creepiness, but it will be *I* who is - no, no I cant even *do* anything with that!" She cried.
"Then don't." Kasumi sighed. "Okay, pass me four eggs."
"Here." Lotion handed Kasumi something.
"What the-what are these?" Kasumi asked. They didn't feel like eggs. She looked at what the younger woman had passed her and sighed.
"Eggs . . . I think." Lotion nodded.
"These are onions!" Kasumi informed her.
"Use them!" Lotion cried. "Let us experiment!"
"Uh . . . no . . . just give me some eggs." Kasumi sighed.
"Right. Now . . . what do they look like?"
"My god woman, have you ever *eaten*?"
"Eaten what?"
"Eaten at all! How can you not know what eggs are?"
"I eat only the hearts of my enemies!" Lotion cried.
Kasumi looked at the girl and sighed. "You are kidding . . . right?"
"Yes. My diet consists of whatever I can get for free." Lotion explained. "Some times I must rob people . . . but alas, 'tis the life of the assassin. Many people offer me food in exchange for silence, but I have yet to be *that* hungry."
"You poor child!" Kasumi gasped. "I'll feed you if you shut up." Kasumi offered.
"Yes, that's what they all say and–hah! You may have enjoyed calling me a poor child, but it will be-"
"Don't do that." Kasumi warned.
"Sorry." Lotion sighed.
Kasumi watched the poor girl attempt to cook and tried to keep from screaming. Lotion put too much vanilla extract because it "smelled beautiful, like a bunny" and then used white chocolate chips and milk chocolate chips together because it was "ethnically diverse" and then she threw in marshmallows because they were "fluffy, like mice!" and at last tossed in a bit of peanut butter, saying "Your recipe calls for butter and a half cup of chopped nuts. By using peanut butter we kill two high profile targets with one knife."
"Don't you mean two birds with one stone?"
"You cant kill a bird with a stone! I've tried!" Lotion cried. She used normal eggs thankfully, but
she used six of them rather than four because she liked cracking them. These cookies would be interesting if nothing else.
The time had come to stir the batter. "Here, use this." Kasumi said. "It's electric!" She giggled, then began humming the "Electric slide".
"No . . . no thank you, I believe a knife will be better."
"For stirring?" Kasumi frowned.
"You doubt me?" Lotion cried.
"Use the beater." Kasumi said.
"Let me use the steak knives! I'll show you how to throw them afterwards!"
"No thank you, I like not knowing how to throw them." Kasumi tried to be polite, the fact was she didn't feel like steak knives needed to be thrown at all. Maybe she was just weird, but that was what she believed.
"But you'll never kill anyone that way!" Lotion gasped.
"Uh . . . you're so right. I tell you what. Use the egg beater and I'll let you teach me how to throw knives." Kasumi said.
"Yes ma'am!" Lotion enthused and began using the eggbeater. She struck the mixing bowl with it a few times. Kasumi sighed.
"You put the metal things in, and then press this button. It will mix the ingredients. Do not lose control of it."
"Right on!" Lotion pressed the button and everything was going fine. Until she let it go, clapped her hands together and said, "A job well done!" then everything splattered all over her face and she was forced to quickly regain control. She was very lucky that she was the only thing that got dirty, if Kasumi had had to clean the kitchen Lotion would learn just how deadly the eldest Tendo daughter could be, even without steak knives.
"Need help in there?" Nabiki asked.
"What? Oh no! Of course not!" Kasumi squeaked. She turned to Lotion. "Bake well my young apprentice, I will return." Kasumi rushed out of the kitchen and steered Nabiki and Ryoga away from the kitchen and sat them down. "Oh my! Oh my! Tell me, how did it go? You did ask her, right?" She asked Ryoga.
"Er . . . yes." The lost boy shrugged.
"You poor thing! You poor thing! It'll be okay! I know it all looks dark now, but the sun *will* rise!" Kasumi said, hugging Ryoga tightly.
"Er . . . Kasumi . . . I didn't say 'no' . . . and don't hug my boyfriend like that, I don't want him getting ideas." Nabiki frowned.
Kasumi blinked. She tried to say something, but didn't. She blinked again. Then glared at Ryoga.
"So you convinced her to be your wife eh? Well listen here Hibiki, you take good care of her or I will cut out that pleasure giving tongue of yours, and then rip your brains out through your nose, but not before I castrate you and-"
"I didn't say 'yes' either." Nabiki interrupted.
"Oh! Sorry Ryoga." Kasumi said. Ryoga looked strangely pale. "So what did you say?" Kasumi asked.
"I said . . . I needed to think about it." Nabiki shrugged.
"And by 'think' you mean . . . eventually say no?" Kasumi was all but pleading.
"No. I mean actually think about it." Nabiki shrugged.
"Nabiki!" Kasumi gasped. "Why is it that I am the only person who sees why you two cant get married?" For once, Kasumi felt like she was the smartest person in the room.
"I see why we cant, I see that we shouldn't, but I also feel that we must, and see why we should." Nabiki shrugged.
"What are you going to do when you go to college?" Kasumi asked.
"What do you mean?" Nabiki sighed.
"Well you'll miss out on all the orgies and such." Kasumi offered.
"That is true . . ." Nabiki frowned. "I'm not really one for the idea of orgies anyway. You think I want to get sexually transmitted diseases?"
"You wouldn't even be able to drink at your wedding!" Kasumi tried.
"Well I didn't plan to drink at my wedding anyway. I'm not making his job any easier." Nabiki grinned.
Kasumi threw her hands up in defeat. "Fine!" She sighed. "Fine then, be that way. But consider that he doesn't even have father's permission."
"That's true. But father wont be home for another two weeks right? Plenty of time for Ryoga and I to make a decision, and *if* my answer is yes, do you think father can stop me?"
Suddenly the door swung open and Soun walked in. "Hello girls! I'm back!"
"GAH!" Nabiki yelped.
Kasumi got up and rushed over to their father. She barely recognized him, his long hair was cut-and cut badly. "Father!" She enthused. "How good to have you home! Please don't kill Ryoga!"
"Gee . . . this is great daddy . . . and here I was, not expecting you back for another two weeks." Nabiki said, recovering her composure.
"Yes well . . . I came home early." Soun said. "Now . . . why would I want to kill Ryoga?"
"Because he and Nabiki are-" Kasumi began, but Nabiki threw a hand over her mouth.
"Don't listen to her!" Nabiki cried.
"Eh . . . oh-ho. Well, girls I've missed you all so much . . . when auntie Nodoka gets here, tell her you *don't* want to move to Hawaii."
"Yes sir!" Kasumi giggled.
"Oh joy." Nabiki said with forced enthusiasm.
"Okay, I've wanted to ask for a while now, what does "castrate" mean?" Ryoga finally opened his mouth.
Soun raised an eyebrow, and gave Kasumi a look as if to say 'what the heck is he talking about?'
"The assassin has failed." One of Akari's underlings said. "Nabiki is still with Ryoga, and she still lives."
"Is the assassin dead?" Akari demanded.
"No . . . she was . . . eh . . . drinking tea and watching TV the last time I checked."
"Oh phooey, she lived." Cologne sighed.
"Traitor!" Akari screamed. "I need someone I can trust will do the job!" Akari cried.
"Azusa knows just the some one!" The girl with the curly hair cried.
"Who? Who!" Akari demanded.
"Azusa knows some ninjas who work for her some times."
"And?"
"And they kidnaped Charlotte for Azusa lots of times!"
"But I don't want Charlotte!"
"Charlotte is what she calls Ryoga." Cologne interjected.
"How would you know that?" Akari demanded.
"I know everything." Cologne shrugged.
"And so you see, the ship moved faster when we played musicc" Soun explained.
"Oh-ho . . . but even then, how did you get back so quickly?" Kasumi asked.
"Yeah . . . about that . . ."
FLASHBACK...
"Okay, if getting home quickly is so important to you," Nodoka said, "I'll have sex with the emergency helicopter pilot so he'll take you back to Japan."
"You WOULDN'T!" Genma cried.
"Honey, it's an emergency, a friend needs me to do it."
"That's quite alright, if that's the only way, then I can wait." Soun said.
"Oh . . . that's too bad because I already did it." Nodoka said. "Off you go Tendo!" She waved him off, Soun got into the helicopter and left Nodoka and Genma, the latter was shouting and pulling imaginary hairs from his head, the former seemed not to notice.
PRESENT DAY
"Eh . . . you don't need to know how I got back so quickly." Soun decided. "And eh . . . neither one of you is allowed to associate with Auntie Nodoka until you are twenty one . . . and even then, sparingly."
"What ever floats your boat." Nabiki shrugged.
Soun began to laugh uproariously. "HAHAHA! It's funny! It's funny because I was on a boat! HAHAHAHA! How does she come up with this-you're grounded." He said suddenly devoid of humor.
"What for?" Nabiki raised an eyebrow. "Making a joke?"
"No, you're grounded for getting yourself pregnant."
"Oh daddy, don't be silly!" Nabiki chuckled. "I can't get *myself* pregnant! Ryoga helped."
"GAH!" Ryoga yelped.
"Well in that case, Ryoga, you're grounded!" Soun said. He felt very pleased with himself.
"Uh . . . father, Nabiki isn't pregnant." Kasumi said. "It was a misunderstanding."
"Caused in large by *you* and you're overactive imagination." Nabiki added.
"Huh?" Soun frowned. "Why didn't you say so before?" He demanded.
"You didn't ask." Nabiki shrugged. "You just proclaimed me grounded."
Soun scratched his head. "But you are seeing Ryoga? I did not imagine that?"
"Yes. We're together, it's a somewhat untraditional relationship, but I think he enjoys it." Nabiki shrugged. Soun frowned. He glared at Ryoga.
"Do you enjoy it! Are you enjoying this relationship?" He grabbed the young man by the collar of his shirt, "Tell me you're not enjoying it! You cannot be enjoying it! Are you enjoying it? ARE YOU!?!"
"Cant remember, too scared." Ryoga said, averting his gaze and making Soun feel positively superior.
"Are you two sleeping together?" Soun asked, dropping Ryoga.
"No."
"No."
"Yes."
"Who said yes?"
"Kasumi?" Ryoga asked.
"Kasumi?" Nabiki asked.
"It was me." Kasumi confirmed.
"So you *are* sleeping together!" Soun raged. "The dishonor! The shame!"
"We don't!" Nabiki protested. Then she laughed, "okay, okay, we are. But not like you think, it's just like how Akane used to let P-Chan sleep with her, Ryoga sleeps as P-Chan, easier for us to both fit in my bed this way."
"As P-Chan? My daughter is sleeping with a pig?" Soun cried.
"Akane did it." Nabiki pointed out.
"Yes but . . . she didn't know . . . he was just a pervert! And besides . . . I don't . . . oh fiddlesticks!" Soun sighed. He looked at his daughters and the boy who'd slept with at least one of them. He scowled.
"Why then did Ryoga actually believe you when you told him he was the father of your child?" Nabiki shrugged.
"Well that hole in the wall is pretty bad." Soun said at last.
"Really?" Nabiki looked at it. "I forgot it was there."
"I thought we fixed it!" Ryoga frowned.
Soun blinked. 'What are those two *doing* together that they'd forget something like that? He better not be introducing her to any drugs! I always knew that boy was a pill popper! Corrupting my youngest-eh oldest-eh middle child! He will pay!" Soun scowled. "Thank you for volunteering boy, now go fix it!" He said sinisterly, slapping Ryoga on the back.
"Wha? Me? But I-"
"You *are* the family slave." Nabiki noted.
"But I don't know how to fix holes in walls!" Ryoga said.
"You fixed my door. I'm sure it's roughly the same principal." Nabiki said.
"Hey!" Some one cried form the kitchen. "When do I get to stop doing this?"
"Oh my!" Kasumi gasped. "The cookies!" She rushed off to the kitchen.
"Cookies?" Soun decided to follow her.
There, in his kitchen was a young woman who resembled shampoo slightly-excepting that her breasts weren't so voluptuously large, and her hair was white. She was wearing one of Ryoga's shirts and what looked like a pair of Ranma's Chinese pants. Her feet were bare save for several bracelets on her ankles. Soun gawked and pointed. "Akane! What have you done to your hair? And . . . have you had breast implants? And you're skinnier! And your hair!"
Kasumi and Akane(?) looked at him, then each other, then blinked. "Erm . . . Father, this is-" The new girl interrupted Kasumi.
"The *Feared* Amazonian Warrior, Han Lo-Chun!"
"Hand Lotion is it? Well very nice to meet you."
"WHA? Why does everyone think my name is Hand Lotion? Is it my pronunciation or something?"
"No, it's just easier to remember." Kasumi smiled.
"She's got you there." Soun nodded. "Now . . . you're not sleeping with my daughter too are you?"
"What?" Lotion yelped.
"You're grounded!" Soun cried.
"But I-"
"She's baking cookies father," Kasumi explained, "and she's not sleeping with any of your daughters . . ."
"Cookies?" Soun nodded sagely. "All is forgiven."
"But she *was* fooling around with Ryoga in a hot tub!" Nabiki interjected.
"Hmm? I did what? Hey! THAT'S why I followed you back here!" Lotion cried. "I was trying to think of something clever to say!"
"Eh?" Soun was confused now. "Well then for flirting with Ryoga, you're confined to this premisis until you have baked five hundred cookies."
"Once these cookies are finished, you will hear the most clever, witty retort ever!" Lotion cried.
"A retort has to be said quickly, after about half a day it's too late for your comeback to be a retort." Nabiki said.
"You may enjoy calling my retort a comeback, but it will be I who bakes these cookies!"
"Sounds fair." Nabiki nodded.
Lotion threw her fist into the air in triumph. "Hah! Victory for Lo-Chun! I've . . . no wait! That wasn't right!"
Ryoga set about making preparations to repair the wall, suddenly two men in black stood near the hole. "You! Ryoga Hibiki!" One of them cried.
"We have come to take you to our new employer!" The other said.
"Oh boy!" Ryoga groaned. "Why the heck does this have to happen to me?"
"Come quietly, or we take you by force!"
Ryoga scowled. "Who is your new employer?"
"We cannot tell you that!" The first ninja cried.
"Well fine then!" Ryoga scowled. "Try to take me by force, but I warn you, I'm the greatest fighter in the country!"
Suddenly Ranma leapt up in the middle of class and shouted, "No yer NOT!"
"Ranma!" Hinako cried. "What are you talking about?"
Ranma blinked. "I don't know!" He gasped.
The two ninjas lunged in, Ryoga dodged to the side and tried to kick one of them, but the bugger dodged, and whipped out a huge flail. "Where did you hide that?"
"I'm a ninja!" The ninja informed him. "The greatest master of concealed weapons in the world!"
Suddenly Mousse leapt up in the middle of cleaning the pigsty that had until so recently been his room and shouted, "No you are NOT!"
"What you talking, stupid Mousse?" Shampoo demanded.
Mousse blinked. "I do not know!" He gasped.
Ryoga leapt aside, avoiding the flail, the spiked end smashed into the wall, making the hole even bigger.
"Our comrades are in prison thanks to you and that insane person on the motorcycle!" The second ninja said. "We took this job for free!"
"How's that going to help you restore your cult?" Ryoga blinked.
"Hey!" The second ninja cried. "He's right!"
"We'll worry about that later!" The first ninja scowled. "For now, GET HIM!"
There was a streak of silver, and suddenly one of the ninjas-the second one-was pinned to a tree, a butcher's knife holding him in place by a shirt sleeve.
"I *told* you! They were meant to be thrown!" Lotion chuckled.
"Oh my god!" Kasumi groaned. "Will he live?"
"I just got his outfit! There's no blood!" Lotion cried.
"The pain!" The ninja screamed.
"It's just a flesh wound!" Lotion cried.
"My spleen!"
"Wow . . . Ryoga, you're screwing the wall up even worse!" Nabiki shouted.
"We've been spotted!" The first ninja cried, he lunged for Ryoga with the flail again, Ryoga dodged and then kicked the ninja in the back, he flew through what was left of the wall.
"Well daddy . . . you always said you wanted a second patio." Nabiki offered.
"I never did!" Soun cried. He began to cry. "My house! My beautiful house!"
"There, there," Lotion said, patting Soun on the shoulder. "The important thing is that your insurance will take care of this."
"The insurance company cancelled the contract two weeks after Ranma moved in!" Soun cried.
"Hmm . . . in that case at least your son is alright."
"He's not my son!" Soun glared at Nabiki, "Is he?" He said accusingly, Nabiki just shrugged.
"Oh . . . you know what?" Lotion asked.
"What?" Soun wept.
"He's not your son, you've got no insurance, and you don't want a second potato-"
"Patio." Kasumi corrected.
"Same difference. Anyway, all that considered . . . you are screwed."
"I know!" Soun cried.
"Actually daddy," Nabiki began, "Ryoga did propo-"
"Finish that sentence and collect from his will!" Kasumi warned.
Nabiki looked truly stricken, Ryoga could both tell she considered both options (her father's continued survival, and collecting a portion of his possessions) to be appealing.
BING!
"My cookies!" Lotion cried. "They're burning!" She ran off in a panic.
Ryoga blinked. The ninjas blinked. They looked at each other. The two ninjas just shook their heads in sync and walked off.
Ryoga looked at the mutilated wall, then at Nabiki and Kasumi, both of whom looked really annoyed. That was nothing new for Nabiki, but when you annoy Kasumi you know you've really screwed up. Soun of course was still crying.
"Eh . . . it wasn't my fault?" Ryoga offered.
"But you are going to fix it." Nabiki warned.
"Eh . . . right." Ryoga nodded.
"Then we're cool." Kasumi nodded. She turned to Nabiki. "Shall we?"
"Indeed." Nabiki nodded.
They went off to the kitchen. Soun stood up and scowled. "My wall!" He cried. "It's been ruined!"
"We can fix it!" Ryoga protested.
"We? WE!" Soun screamed.
"I meant me! Me! Myself! I can fix it!" Ryoga cried.
"You better!" Soun scowled.
"I don't suppose now would be a good time to ask you for some building materials." Ryoga noted.
"GAH!" Soun screamed and fell to the ground twitching.
"But you're rich aren't you? Cant you hire some one to come fix the wall?"
"I spent most of my money building in Hawaii!"
"Eat the cookie!" Lotion insisted.
"No . . . I don't think I will." Kasumi said.
"Eat it!" Lotion pleaded.
"They *are* very good!" Nabiki blinked.
"Truly I am amazing!" Lotion chuckled to herself.
Kasumi took a bite of one of the cookies . . . it was incredible! It was like there was a party in her mouth and everyone was invited . . . the cookie was incredible! "This is great!"
"Because I'm amazing!" Lotion snickered.
"I didn't think they would turn out this good!" Kasumi said.
"Why not?" Nabiki asked.
"Well she put onions, peanut butter, marshmallows, and cheddar powder in them."
Nabiki blinked. She looked at the cookie. The horrified look on her face however evaporated and she shoved the rest of her cookie into her mouth. "Out of sight, out of mind." She said after she swallowed it.
"And into mouth." Kasumi noted. "I pity Ryoga."
"Why?" Nabiki asked.
"He has to kiss you, and you're eating onion cookies."
"Actually, I want to call them marshion cookies." Lotion said.
"Martian cookies?" Kasumi blinked.
"Marshion. Marshmallow-onion cookies!" Lotion cried. "Oh, and don't worry, I balanced out the onions with toothpaste so it's all good."
"Okay . . ." Nabiki blinked. "I could deal with cheddar powder, onions and marshmallows but I draw the line at toothpaste."
"I guess you don't want to know about the gummy bears . . ."
"I thought I tasted gummy bears!" Nabiki blinked.
"Where did you even get gummy bears?" Kasumi demanded.
"Oh I can get whatever I want." Lotion shrugged.
"How?"
"I cant tell you that!"
"But I thought you grew up eating whatever was free!"
"I did. I still survive that way." Lotion smiled.
"But then how do you get gummy bears?"
"They were free." Lotion shrugged.
Nabiki blinked. "And where might one acquire free gummy animals?"
"Oh I can get *all kinds* of junk food for free. Pretty neat huh?" Lotion winked.
"Hey! That *is* neat!" Nabiki exclaimed.
"You see ever since I came to Japan I found this gummy factory, and they like to throw away all sorts of stuff that only looks mildly spoiled."
"I . . . I don't . . . know what to say!" Nabiki gasped. "I . . . I think I'm going to throw up!"
"Do not worry, I know how to make a smoothie that will cure whatever ails you!" Lotion cried.
"But you'd never cooked before today!" Kasumi cried.
"Yes. Yes, but while I baked the cookies there was so much left over stuff I thought it'd be good to make them into a smoothie."
"Don't you need ice cream for a smoothie?" Nabiki raised an eyebrow.
"Indeed. We shall send your male servant to fetch some." Lotion said.
"Oh don't call Ryoga that!" Kasumi squeaked.
"No wait! I like that! Hey! Male Servant person! Get over here!"
"Nabiki, I'll just get the ice cream." Kasumi said.
"Why? Don't think Ryoga can do it?" Nabiki huffed.
Kasumi shook her head. "No, I'm sure he can, it's just that by the time he gets there and back a month or so will have passed."
"And the ice cream . . . would have melted." Nabiki nodded. "Very well Kasumi, off you go!"
later that night . . .
Kasumi looked around nervously, everyone seemed pretty tense. Most everyone had a reason too.
Ranma because he had to help Ryoga and father fix the wall, (which was not finished yet) Akane because she wanted to tell father that she'd been the first one to know about the baby, but at the same time since everyone knew by now that there was no baby, it'd be rather stupid to announce that you were the first moron to fall for something.
Nabiki was tense because father kept making comments about how she could do better, and about how she'd burn in hell if she'd lost her virginity out of holy wedlock, father was tense because some one was seeing his middle daughter whom he was now vocally lamenting not having spent enough time with, and of course Ryoga was tense because he was the one seeing Soun's middle daughter.
Kasumi wasn't sure why Lotion was tense, probably because she still hadn't thought of something witty to say, and she'd once again forgotten what the subject was. This girl . . . her memory . . . Kasumi couldn't remember anyone with a memory this bad . . . she'd probably forget her name if she didn't keep introducing herself to everyone she met. She was also sensing some bad blood between Akane and Lotion, the former tensed into a fighting position whenever the latter picked up the butter knife. Lotion, in a mix of her obsession with knives, and teasing Akane, was fooling around with the blade almost nonstop.
Kasumi sighed, and realized she herself was pretty tense. She didn't know why . . . maybe she just needed to get laid. She wondered what she'd done with Dr. Tofu's number . . .(A/N: Just KIDDING!!!)
Suddenly Soun slammed his fist down on the table. "That's it! Akane! Are you still a virgin?"
"Nuh-yeah." Akane blinked.
"Ranma! You are no longer allowed to marry Akane!" Soun said.
"One down!" Ranma cried, he whipped out a little piece of paper with Akane, Ukyo, and Shampoo's faces on it forming a triangle. He crossed out Akane's face and laughed maniacally.
"And yet you must inherit the Tendo Dojo! Damnation! Well just know that you're never allowed to have sex with her!"
"Damnation!" Ranma agreed, and wiped the big red X off Akane's face-apparently it'd been washable.
"Nabiki! What is that on your neck?"
"It's a scarf daddy."
"It's Ryoga's! Is that a testament to your undying love? A symbol of your pledge to each other? Is it?" Soun screamed.
"Eh . . . yeah I guess it is." Nabiki shrugged. "I just think it looks good on me."
"I have over a hundred-" Ryoga was trying to explain, "Ranma has one too, he stole it but it's okay, I mean it was just--"
"I wont have it!" Soun screamed. "So you are seeing my Nabiki, Ranma, and one hundred other women?"
"N-No!" Ryoga yelped.
Kasumi sighed as father tried to strangle Ryoga. Everyone found it very amusing except Lotion who shouted advice to both parties. Terrible advice, no wonder Shampoo beat her ass so often.
"Don't squeeze so hard! If he cant breath he wont know he is doomed! Don't struggle with your arms and legs, try to set his hair on fire with your mind! You can do it!"
Kasumi smiled weakly. That settled it, Ryoga just had to marry Nabiki, daddy was strangling him, he was part of the family now.
That night-when everyone went to sleep, the 1/2 cast was assaulted by very strange dreams.
Ranma's Dream . . .
Ranma was running through a field of beautiful wild flowers with Akane, they were dancing, singing, and eh . . . erm . . . kissing. Then when they kissed Akane turned into Ukyo, this was even better. Ranma kissed deeper. She turned into Shampoo, this wasn't so good, Ranma tried to stop kissing, but now Shampoo was inhaling his face. Then Shampoo turned into Kodachi, and Ranma was paralyzed.
Then the unimaginable happened. As Ranma thought of how much Kodachi resembled Kuno . . . Kodachi *became* her brother Tatewaki Kuno.
"Ahh! Ahh!" Ranma cried. "Get off me! I aint even a girl!"
"Oh pigtailed girl! Of my reputation I care not, all I desire is your presence in my bed." He paused. "Eh . . . with me in it too." He added.
"I figured s'much." Ranma scowled. "Cant ya even see I aint a woman?" Ranma said, ripping his shirt off but suddenly (BOING) he was Ranko . . . and in bed with Kuno . . . in a rather passionate kiss . . . "AAAHHHHHHHH!!!!!!"
Though Ranma's scream filled the entire house, Kasumi's dreams went on undisturbed . . .
Kasumi's Dream . . .
"Yeah! Being evil rocks!" A black leather and chain wearing Kasumi growled, smashing an Australian beer can on her forehead. She jumped on her motorcycle. "Let's RIDE!" She cried to her gang.
"Eh . . . I have a motorcycle too." Tofu said. "And a jacket. I'm pretty bad ass."
"Bad is right you ass!" Kasumi cried, she pulled out a 'nine and 'capped the good doctor. "Bake *me* cookies!" She cried, and off she rode into the distance with her gang, planning to T.P. a church, then throw eggs at an orphanage.
Strangely that brought a grin to Kasumi's lips, and she smiled in her sleep, but . . .
Lotion's dream . . .
"At last! Finally! The day has come!" Lotion cried to Shampoo. "It is about time you acknowledged me as the superior fighter I *so* am!"
"Shake Shampoo's hand?" Shampoo asked.
Lotion scoffed and shook Shampoo's hand-"Ouch!"
"Hah! Now Lo-Chun *must* find cure!"
"Find cure for what?"
"There no cure? Shampoo not want turn into baloney!"
"I don't either!" Lotion yelped.
"I delicious!" Shampoo screamed. "Taste!"
Lotion licked Shampoo's hand, then licked her own. "I'm delicious!"
"We both delicious! We eat each other, yes?"
"We what?"
Shampoo lunged forward and started licking Lotion *all over.*
"CCCCAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!!!" Lotion screamed, waking from her sleep. "Wait . . . only a dream! It was only a dream! I am alive! I am alive! And I do not taste delicious! I am not delicious!" Lotion all but sang.
"Who're you trying to convince?" Ryoga grumbled from the other side of the dojo where the two were sleeping.
"You!" She cried. "You heard nothing! If you try to eat me I will slit your throat!"
"Eh?"
"I am not delicious!" Lotion cried. "I am straight! Straight!! And delicious in no way whatsoever!"
"I believe you." Ryoga yawned.
"I am not! My body tastes the same as any other woman's!"
"Meh." Ryoga went back to sleep.
"It is true!" Lotion cried. "Don't make me prove it! Oh you dirty minded male thing! You'd just love to gaze upon my poor, naked . . . HEY! That's it! That is why I came here!"
But Ryoga was asleep . . .
Ryoga's Dream . . .
"Daddy! I got an A on my history paper!" Ryoga's daughter said.
"So what? I got an A on my English, and Math." Said Ryoga's other daughter.
"That's great kids!" Ryoga said. "How about a reward?" He handed his first daughter ten dollars (not yen) then his second daughter twenty.
"Why does Stacy get more?" The first one demanded.
"Eh . . . because she got two A's." Ryoga said simply. "You try harder next time, and you'll get a better reward."
"But I tried my hardest this time, and showing favoritism to your second daughter will only discourage me from trying harder in the future!"
So Ryoga gave her another ten.
"But father!" The one called Stacy said, "if you give her more money for less work, it might discourage me from maintaining a level of excellence similar to the one I do now, as I shan't have to continue bringing home two A's because you just gave us the same amount of money, even though I deserve twice as much."
"Huh?"
"Long sentences confuse father . . . leave him vulnerable . . ." His third daughter said, jotting it down on a little memo pad.
"What that means daddy, is why should she get the same amount of money if I did twice as well?"
"You're right . . . eh . . . here." Ryoga handed her another twenty.
"But now I, your third daughter don't have any reward at all, and I might not feel inspired to work to achieve one!" The third child tried.
Ryoga's mind twisted. "Shouldn't *not* having a reward motivate you to try to earn one?" he asked.
"You're a mean daddy and I hate you! I will hate you forever!" The girl cried.
"Eh-here's five dollars."
"I will only stop hating you when you die!!"
"Ten . . ."
"I suppose I'll come to your funeral."
"Twenty!" Ryoga scowled.
"Thank you daddy! I love you so much! Even if you're not my real daddy!"
"I'm not what?" Ryoga asked.
"Whoa!" Number one cried.
"Hey!" Stacy said. "She got a reward for doing nothing! While we get nothing for doing everything!"
Ryoga looked around frantically. He saw Nabiki shaking her head looking amused. He shouted a curse and just threw the girls his wallet. "I'm no good at this 'parenting' crap and you know it!" He shouted accusingly at Nabiki. "They're your daughters! *Your* daughters!" He ran off and threw himself out a window, screaming hysterically.
Ryoga woke up, rubbing his head. Lotion had gone back to sleep. He looked around, the dojo was dark and for some reason he was now more afraid than ever to marry Nabiki. He wondered what she dreamt about . . .
Nabiki's Dream . . .
"You!" She shouted, pointing at MiniMouse, "Stop being jolly!"
"Eeek . . ." The little floating mouse thing squeaked.
"Ryo-GIR!" Nabiki shouted, a little silver robot dressed up like Ryoga with big cute green eyes appeared. "Prepare the teleporter!" Nabiki cried. "I cant wait to beam the hu-mans to the almighty shortest as slaves!"
"CHICKEN! Tee-hee-hee! I made mashed po-tay-toes!" Ryo-GIR giggled.
Nabiki blinked. "Yyeessss . . . and muffins." Nabiki nodded. "NOW prepare the teleporter!" She cried.
"Mommy!" A girl barged in, she was . . . so cute! She looked just like Nabiki as a child, except she too had one of Ryoga's bandannas around her neck. She also had fangs like Ryoga's.
"What is it . . . eh . . . child?" Nabiki demanded.
"Are you supreme emperor of the world yet?"
"I'm working on it." Nabiki assured her daughter.
"Oh . . . because there is a mean girl at school who pushed me, and says you're just insane, and that you're never going to conquer the world."
Nabiki handed her daughter a laser rifle. "Then make her silent my child, make her silent."
Nabiki grinned wickedly in her sleep, until Ryoga shook her awake. "Hey!" He whispered. "Wake up!"
Nabiki blinked. Rubbed sleep from her eyes. Looked around. "What do you want?" She demanded acidly.
"Nabiki . . . I . . . I . . ."
"Oh god! Not now honey!" Nabiki moaned. "I'm so tired!" Ryoga gave her a genuinely confused look. She sighed. "So . . . again . . . you're not here for that . . ."
"Why do you think I am?" Ryoga demanded, understanding what she'd meant.
"I dunno, just seems strange we've only done it once. We should have sex again Ryoga."
"Later." Ryoga said nervously. "Nabiki . . . I . . . I . . . I . . . I-"
"Spit it out!"
Ryoga closed his eyes as if he was afraid of what he himself was going to say. "I'm . . . I'm leaving."
"You're . . . what?" Nabiki blinked.
"I'm in love with Akari . . . I cant be with you."
Nabiki blinked. "You damn well better be joking!" She scowled.
"I wish I were. You're too possessive, too over protective. I should be protecting you-but you wont allow it. We are too different you and I, Akari understands me, and she likes pigs. I have to go."
"But . . ."
"I hate to do this to you, with the baby coming and all . . ."
"The baby?"
"Yes, I know what you must think of me. You have every right."
"Who are you? What are you playing at? You're not Ryoga, I already told him the truth about the baby!"
"The truth? Of course I know the truth." Ryoga said. "I'm so sorry I wasn't more careful sweetie. If only I'd pulled away a moment sooner . . ."
"Ryoga . . ." Nabiki said, hiding her skepticism, "Do you remember what I told you today?"
"Oh . . . eh . . . of course."
"It was lovely."
"Eh . . ."
"I've never seen anything prettier." Nabiki continued. "I . . . suppose you want it back?"
"Right . . . well eh . . . yeah . . . eh . . . what exactly?" Ryoga asked.
"The engagement ring."
"Engagement ring?" 'Ryoga' yelped. "You two were *that* serious?!"
"Aha! You're you not Ryoga at all!" Nabiki growled. " While he *did* propose there was no ring! Hah! Who are you? What are you trying to accomplish?"
"I'll never tell!"
"Who are you?" Nabiki demanded again.
"Never!"
"Who are you!" Nabiki grabbed the imposter by the collar."
"I would rather die!"
"Who are you!" Nabiki screamed, acting as if to punch the impostor.
"I can't stand to be asked the same question three times! Tsubassa! It's me! Tsubassa!" Nabiki punched him anyway. "Ouch!"
"I asked you who you were four times!"
"No! The first question was 'Who are you?' then your second question was 'What are you trying to accomplish?' and then three 'Who are you?'s"
"What are you trying to accomplish?"
"I'll never tell you!"
"What are you trying to accomplish? What are you trying to accomplish?"
"I'll never-darn! Three times! Akari hired me, promising me a date with Ukyo if I could convince you Ryoga was in love with her, so you'd dump him and kick him out! The disguise was so good! So good! It was so hard to adjust my voice! So hard! Tell me my acting was good! Tell me it was goooood!"
"Akari! That *horrible* girl!" Nabiki scowled. "That's it! This means WAR!"
"Yay! A war!" Lo-Chun cried, running into Nabiki's room.
"What's going on?" Kasumi asked. She, Soun, Ranma, Akane-heck, everyone had come into the room now. Nabiki sweat dropped and glared.
"Akari is trying to split me and Ryoga up!" Nabiki scowled.
"Oh is that all?" Soun chuckled. "Noble man this Akari."
"Akari is a girl, father." Kasumi said.
"Oh . . . yes . . . the pig farmer right?"
"Why is Ryoga in your room?" Akane asked, winking. Nabiki threw a pillow at her.
"It's Tsubassa! Disguised!"
"I didn't know ya could disguise yerself as Ryoga!" Ranma blinked.
"I can disguise myself as *anyone* and anything!" Tsubassa scowled.
"Since when?" Ranma sneered. Tsubassa just slapped him.
"Who's your daddy?" Tsubassa cried.
"Quit it!"
"Who's your daddy?" Tsubassa slapped him again.
"Stop it!"
"Who's your daddy?"
"WAH!" Ranma ran off crying and Tsubassa followed.
Nabiki glared around the room. "That was . . . odd." Kasumi said at last.
Nabiki scowled. "Where is Ryoga now?"
"Oh . . . the male servant? He woke up in a stupor talking about chocolate horses so I sent him to sleep in the living room." Lo-Chun shrugged. "I didn't see him there when I came up here."
"My Ryoga is out wandering around? He could be anywhere! And with that Akari wench out trying to-we've got to find him!" Nabiki cried. "He could be in China by now!
"Leave me alone!" Ranma cried, running by Nabiki's door.
"Who's your daddy?" Tsubassa cried as he chased Ranma by the door.
The door poor Ryoga had fixed not so long ago . . . Nabiki's heart ached for her beloved! "I'm going to make Akari pay!" She cried. Then she lied down.
"Are you going to sleep?" Kasumi sounded surprised.
"Duh! I'm sleepy." Nabiki said. "Besides, I've probably got like two seconds before this morning sickness crap kicks in."
"You were full of fire a second ago!" Soun cried in surprise. "Now you fear morning sickness?"
"Being full of fire is tiring." Nabiki explained. "And I do so love to sleep when I'm tired."
"My daughter, you're beloved is wandering the streets, likely he'll be abducted by Akari!"
"Yeah . . . that is pretty bad. I guess I'll have to break *both* her legs." Nabiki yawned.
"But you're not even a martial artist!" Akane cried.
"Yeah . . . I'll get Kinnosuke to buy me a sledge hammer in exchange for a date."
"But if you love Ryoga why would you date Kinnosuke?" Kasumi demanded.
"Oh you'll understand some day." Nabiki yawned. "I don't have to love some one to date them, let alone empty their wallet . . ."
"And Kuno says *he* has a twisted sister." Akane scowled and Nabiki's room was emptied.
Shouts of "Who's your daddy?" and "Cut it out!" lulled her to sleep.
"Wow!" Akari blinked. "Nabiki kicked him out sooner than I'd expected!"
"Yes . . . well my plans never fail." Cologne shrugged.
"Your plan?" Akari raised an eyebrow. "It wasn't even your plan!"
"Yes . . . and that is why it shall fail."
"Who cares? Now I don't have to eat Katsunishiki!"
"BBRRUUUNNTT." The giant pig grunted, Akari patted him on the side.
"That's right!" She said happily. "Now lets go get Ryoga!"
Ryoga yawned and traveled through the yard . . . where was the living room? He was outside now, he wasn't so bad he didn't know that. But it was dark so he couldn't figure out which door was the Tendo's door, one led to the dojo, one led to the house . . . one led to the street . . .
But he didn't have to choose because Akari showed up next, riding Katsunishiki. "Ryoga! Oh Ryoga! Fancy meeting you here!"
"Eh . . . yeah."
"Hey! It's such a lovely night, why don't we go out on a date?" Akari asked.
"It's ten o'clock!" Ryoga looked at his wrist, "Eh, eleven o'clock."
"You're not wearing a watch silly!" Akari giggled.
"R---ight." Ryoga nodded. "Eh . . . hey, can you sort of help me get back to the Tendo place, I'm pretty sure I'm in their yard . . ." Ryoga said.
"Oh silly, this isn't their yard! This is . . . Ukyo's yard. So, get on Katsunishiki, and I'll take you home!"
"Gee thanks!" Ryoga said. "This is really nice of you-wait a minute! Ukyo doesn't have a yard like this! In fact Ukyo doesn't-"
"Get him!" Akari cried, and from out of nowhere a bunch of rabid fan girls leapt out and tied him up. "Heh heh heh! Maybe Nabiki has an *amazing* body, maybe she has intelligence, and maybe she *thinks* she's your girlfriend, but I'm the one who has you tied up! Hah!" Akari cried.
Ryoga blinked. "Eh . . . you know . . . this is sort of extreme . . ."
"That's because I am extremely in love with you!" Akari giggled.
"R---ight . . . can you let me go now?" Ryoga asked.
"NO!" Akari cried. "Now my minions, let us take him back to the farm! Onward! Hah!" She jabbed her heels into Katsunishiki's side, the giant pig roared and bucked her off, she landed face first. "Ouch! Curses! Now we've been heard! Let's go!" She jumped back on the pig and off went the RHFC.
To Be Continued . . .
Next Chapter . . .
Eventually Ryoga and Kasumi were the only people still at the table, she cleared everything away, Ryoga decided to break the silence so he asked, "Kasumi, were you at one point the town's most infamous whore until you ended up on the wrong end of a ten on one?"
Kasumi's jaw dropped, so did the plates she was holding.