Disclaimer: I don't own Ranma 1/2. Wish I did. I don't. You know this. I don't own RISK. I don't own the game show Banzai. Jedi and anything else to do with Star Wars is also not my property.
(though I wouldn't really call it a 'game show')
Charlotte's Web
Chapter 25
Ask Again Later . . .
It was a fancy little hut, traditional Japanese place with sitting mats, a low table and tea. Akari served Ryoga, who wasn't incredibly thirsty anyway. Akari had put a collar on him, attached was a leash she held in her hand. Ryoga could see the headlines-no, the comic book series Akari the Kinky Kidnapper, move over Alice in Under Pants Drink up Ryo-chan
What did you just call me? Ryoga frowned. He smelled the tea, it smelled normal, but he didn't want to risk drinking it.
Do you prefer Ryoga-kun? Sweetheart? Love Muffin perhaps? Or maybe 'Ryoga-honey' yes I heard *her* call you that. Is that what you prefer? Akari asked. She didn't let him answer-even though he was actually going to ask how she'd heard Nabiki call him that since she didn't call him that very often-instead she continued talking. Aha yes, well Ryoga-honey, we've got quite a bit to accomplish tomorrow, but I thought we could spend the night getting reacquainted before going to bed-you haven't slept with her have you? She was lying about the baby wasn't she? TELL ME
Eh . . . if by 'her' you mean *Nabiki* then yeah, she was lying about the baby.
Oh That is so good to know Akari sighed. My Ryoga kept himself pure just for me
Eh . . . okay, the way you said that sounded so *incredibly* creepy. Ryoga said.
Oh I'm so sorry Ryoga-honey
Eh . . . it's okay. Ryoga said.
You're so generous Such a wonderful man *She* will never love you the way I will love you, she'll never appreciate you the way I'll appreciate you
That is probably true. Ryoga nodded.
So why not take me instead? Akari pleaded.
I ah . . . don't really want to take anyone anywhere. Ryoga said. I don't know where *I* am half the time He laughed, Akari laughed too, and then she shook her head violently.
You know what I mean I'd be a better girlfriend than Nabiki Tendo could ever be
Ooh You said her name Cologne chuckled from a corner.
Silence Akari squealed. So it's settled, Ryoga and I are now boyfriend and girlfriend.
Don't I get to decide who I love? Ryoga asked.
Of course not you silly boy Akari giggled.
Didn't you used to be shy? Ryoga asked.
Yes, well I'm still a virgin, I believe the two things are connected, to remedy one I must remedy the other.
Well Eh . . . I guess you're off to a good start on that . . . maybe . . . Look Akari, you are a very special girl-
Yes Yes I'll marry you Akari cried.
I'm eh . . . not proposing to you . . .
Oh . . . right. You're right Ryoga-honey We are married souls, we don't need a ceremony
Eh . . . okay, whatever. Anyway, you are real special . . . and *really* out there-eh I mean out there somewhere is the perfect guy for you. Maybe he's lost, he might have a really bad sense of direction . . . but he isn't me. I am already in love with Nabiki, I don't know why but I am."
Oh silly Ryo-Chan-oops, I meant Ryoga-honey-I know how you feel about that girl. That is why I went through the trouble of bringing you here against your will. You will never escape, and even if you do, you will never find your way back to Nabiki Tendo.
So it takes me a few minutes . . . hours . . . alright, days to get where I'm trying to go, but I *do* get there eventually. Ryoga said in a huff.
Oh don't get me wrong Ryoga-honey, I know you do. Akari said. Then, with dramatic pauses she said very slowly, I just . . . feel that if you . . . stay with me for a little while . . . you'll come to love me as much as I love you.
That is so sweet Cologne said, wiping an imaginary tear from her eye.
Silence Akari cried. She looked at Ryoga. For you, my love, I have prepared . . . a poem. Ahem-for longer than I can remember, I've been looking for someone like you, someone who can be a man, and turn into a little piggy too, birds sing, flowers bloom, try to escape and that collar will go KA-BOOM She pointed at the collar on Ryoga's neck.
WHAT Ryoga yelped, even Cologne looked a little surprised.
Did you like it? Akari squeaked.
No Ryoga yelped, trying to get the collar off. I'm going to die
Now Ryoga, that wasn't very nice Akari said with a pout. I worked really hard on that poem, and it was just for you, my Ryoga-honey. You need to learn to think about other people's feelings, no dinner tonight.
It's sunrise Ryoga protested.
No breakfast either. Akari said coldly, and she strolled out of the room.
Cologne blinked. You know . . . this reminds me of this movie I saw once, where this famous writer was imprisoned by a fanatical fan.
What happened? Ryoga asked.
She drugged him, broke his legs, killed a guy, in the end he had to smash her head in with a . . . I think it was a pig actually.
I can do that Ryoga said with enthusiasm. Then frowned. No . . . No I couldn't hurt Akari, even if she has gone nuts . . . I don't suppose you could help me, could you? He asked.
I could. Cologne said. But what is in it for me?
My eternal gratitude. Ryoga said.
Not good enough. Do not worry, I will ask her not to break your legs as I leave.
What did I ever do to you? Ryoga groaned.
The Next Day . . . er . . . well *that* day since it was sunrise . . . eh . . . I'M CONFUSED
Okay, I can find your boyfriend for five hundred thousand yen, I'll catch him for a total of one million yen, and I'll kill him for a total of one million five hundred thousand yen. Lotion said, taking a sip from her tea.
How about only doing the first two, and maybe doing them for free? Nabiki asked.
No . . . I don't think that I will. Lotion said. I demand payment
If you do it for free, I wont tell everyone that you were defeated in combat by . . . hmm . . . Gosunkugi. Nabiki said bluntly.
The young assassin blinked. I . . . I was not
But whom will they believe? Nabiki asked simply. Me, or the assassin who only *looks* like she knows what she's doing?
Who is this Gosun-cootie? Lotion blinked.
Never you mind, just do as I say. Nabiki said. Everyone does as I say and we get along fine. Akari is trying to defy me, and for that she will be punished. Punished so painfully, I'd pity her if it were possible for me to feel that emotion for the wench who tries to steal my boyfriend.
I do so love to punish things Lotion agreed. I have special knives just for that purpose.
Nabiki frowned. What woman obsesses over knives?
An assassin Lotion said proudly.
And what woman stares hungrily at Ryoga- Nabiki was cut off by the assassin.
A woman with bad taste. Lotion sneered.
and Kasumi at the same time? Nabiki finished.
Eh . . . not me?
Oh really . . . Nabiki grinned.
But . . . but that's not fair
You hit me on the head, now you're my play thing for life. Nabiki said calmly.
Lotion blinked again. But it was a job And . . . and you . . . ahh Not fair Not fair Not fair Why am I complaining? I didn't fully understand your threat.
Nabiki sighed. I should have known. I am going to tell everyone that you are in love with Ryoga and Kasumi at the same time. That you are bisexual, do you understand now?
Yes Wait a minute . . . no.
That means you like girls and boys at the same time.
But I do not really like your boyfriend.
I know, I wouldn't send you after him if I even suspected that you did. Nabiki said. Actually I don't think very many women can see in him what I see. Now that I think of it I'm not entirely sure what I see either . . . must have grown attached to him or something . . . meh.
I am confused now Lotion cried.
Don't be, my instructions are simple, you're just going to-eh . . . excuse me Nabiki ran off to puke her guts out, but only made it so far as the sink, Kasumi was going to be pissed. Lotion laughed maniacally.
Ha-ha I have defeated you
You-ahh-what? You did no-ahh-such thing
Didn't I? Didn't I? Lotion teased. Are you sure you're not really pregnant?
Just illness . . .
Oh-ho . . . maybe the doctor you saw was a fool. I think you're pregnant. And besides, you are getting fatter.
You just-ahh-met me the other-ahh-night Nabiki cried.
Oh . . . right.
Hey Nabiki shouted. I forgot to go to school
Are you just realizing this now? Lotion asked.
Eh-ahh-I was-ahh-to busy thinking about-ahhhhhh -Ryoga
Aha . . . forgetfulness is a symptom of pregnancy. Lotion smiled.
Like YOU know Nabiki groaned. Go away
Ah yes. Very well then. I shall seek out your lover, and bring him back for torture and meat testing, then you shall praise me PRAISE ME
Meat testing? Nabiki blinked, but Lotion dashed out of the room.
Another game my darling? Akari asked, and she shoved a cracker down his throat.
Old Marc Dowel's Farm Yard Animals doesn't really interest me. Ryoga admitted.
But look, I painted the piggies black with little orange and black scarves just like you She cried. When you transform that is. Oh don't you think they are adorable? Akari asked, batting her eyelashes at Ryoga.
Well s-sure. I guess. Is there something in your eye?
No. Akari sighed. She shoved another cracker down his throat.
Look, I really do think you're great Akari, we can be great friends just like we were before . . . ah . . . before you went insane-
That's not nice Another cracker
I couldn't think of a gentler way to put it Ryoga protested. Anyway I really cant stay, I have to go, you always took my being in love with Akane in stride, cant you just deal with my liking Nabiki too?
I never took it in stride You hid it from me and when I found out I was crushed and started the RHFC
Ryoga blinked a couple times. Oh yeah Now I remember. Who was it that took it in stride? Hmm . . . Oh Ukyo
Why should Ukyo care if you like Akane or Nabiki? She's in love with Ranma Akari blinked, then she shoved yet another cracker into Ryoga's mouth.
She didn't . . . she didn't care at all *because* she was obsessed with Ranma . . . I wonder why I confused you two . . . Ryoga scratched his chin. Must be the chest binding.
I don't bind my chest Akari cried.
Oh . . . oops? Sorry about that, my mistake.
Sorry? What do you mean sorry? You mean you don't like my body the way it is? I can get implants like Nabiki
Those were implants Ryoga choked on a cracker.
Well I'd suppose they'd have to be, she and Kasumi have such ridiculous proportions while only Akane has a realistic chest.
Eh . . . I don't think they were. The way she is, I don't think Nabiki would spend her money on implants, and it's not the sort of thing I can imagine Kasumi doing . . . ever.
You didn't know? She's the greatest whore in the town, she inherited the position from Kasumi two years ago, after Kasumi ended up on the wrong side of a ten guy on one girl love feast . . . got the 'whore' screwed right out of her, so she settled down and let Nabiki take over. You have to spend money to make money, they both had implants. Come to think of it I bet that isn't even Nabiki's real nose
She isn't a whore Ryoga snapped, I know *that* for sure because she was still a virgin when I . . . eh . . . no never mind . . . stop glaring at me But eh . . . I don't know about the nose so I'll let that one slide. As for Kasumi, well even if it annoys me so, I can still understand you having a beef with Nabiki, what with my being in *love* with *her*, but Kasumi never did anything to you.
Are you in love with her too? Akari cried. Why should they matter? The woman you love just told you something, are you not going to believe her?
'Nabiki hasn't said anything to me since I was kidnaped.' Ryoga mused, but knew what Akari meant. Look, dragging them through the mud to make yourself look better isn't very ladylike, and I could never care for a lady who wasn't ladylike . . . not after knowing Ranma for as long as I have.
You're right Ryoga-honey. Akari sighed. I'm sorry, I'll be more ladylike, I promise.
Eh . . . that's good. Could you take the collar off?
You might try to escape Akari cried.
I wouldn't do it on purpose, but what if I needed to use the bathroom and with my sense of direction wandered off and then exploded? Our love could never be fulfilled Akari
You're right . . . well okay I-
He can ring a bell whenever he needs to go somewhere, that way he wont get lost and you don't have to worry about him escaping. Cologne said.
Hey That's right How wonderful Akari cried.
How long were you sitting there you old mummy? Ryoga scowled, Cologne whacked him.
Since the discussion about implants, I must say Ryoga now that it's been mentioned Nabiki has a nose that hardly resembles anyone else in the family. Either it's her mothers, or Akari speaks the truth.
Nice observation . . . but-I-don't-care Ryoga cried. It's not her nose I'm in love with
Of course not. Cologne shrugged. It's the implants you're after.
You want to talk about plastic surgery, tell me, just what cup size is Shampoo? Ryoga demanded.
Ryoga Akari cried, she shoved a cracker into his mouth. Stop talking about other ladies' boobies
All the women of our tribe are well endowed.
What about that Lotion girl? She's *barely* endowed Akari said exactly what Ryoga was thinking.
Cologne was silent for a moment. We like to pretend she doesn't exist.
That's mean Akari cried.
If you'd spend more than a few seconds with her, you'd understand why. Cologne scowled. Son-in-law thinks he has it bad with Sword Boy Kuno, but that boy is *nothing* compared to the most feared assassin in all China Her laugh is what really gets me Haha I swear if ever I hear it again I'll-
Haha Someone cried form just outside, Ryoga, Akari and Cologne rushed to the hut's small window and saw an attractive amazon-Lotion, reunited with her own clothing and shoes, and her spare set of knives after a visit back to the hide out-doing violent battle with Katsunishiki.
You are lucky pig, I will not slaughter a beast needlessly, but once I learn how to cook pork and start fires I will be feared by man and pig alike Feared I say
Katsunishiki just ate her. Cologne groaned. Bring her here Katsunishiki Akari cried.
The giant pig tromped over, spat the young amazon out but instead of Hand Lotion there was . . . a Llama.
So that is what she transforms into. Cologne chuckled.
Funny, I didn't know pig saliva was cold. Ryoga said. Katsunishiki spat on him and he became P-Chan. 'You want a peace of me? I can take you down ' The tiny black piglet glared up at the sumo pig. Katsunishiki was the size of a truck, P-Chan was the size of a kitten . . . Place Bets NOW
Banzai
Betting ENDS
P-Chan opened up with his Patented Piggy Bouncer attack, Katsunishiki opened his mouth and tried to chomp down but P-Chan smacked him straight between the eyes using his own little body as a weapon. Katsunishiki oinked and Akari cried out for them to stop, through this Cologne was laughing at Hand Lotion and the Llama looked pretty annoyed at having just lost her second set of cloths as well as her only spare set of knives.
P-Chan bit one of Katsunishiki's ears, the pig rolled over and tried to squash Ryoga, Akari came out of the hut and demanded they stop, Katsunishiki rolled off and revealed P-Chan who was fattened like a pancake, but with a pop the little piglet was ready for more
But before the match could resume Han Llama grabbed P-Chan by the collar-Yeah, the explosive one-and they ran off. They didn't get far mind you, before the collar literally went KA-BOOM In a shallow crater was P-Chan and Han Llama, though you couldn't notice it from P-Chan both were covered in black blast soot, Akari came running up, she took P-Chan in her arms and held him close.
Oh Ryoga-honey You have to get along with Katsunishiki, don't make me choose I love you with all my heart, but he was here first I cant give up either one of you Please try to get along I cannot just pick one and send the other away
'By all means pick him ' Ryoga thought. 'I don't want to be here '
It's okay, I'll get you a new explosive collar and everything will be all better.
'That wont make *anything* better I'd rather go back to Azusa At least she never used explosive collars ' Ryoga though. Then paused. 'Hey I really would rather go back to Azusa That's just wrong Well at least she always left her windows open . . .' Ryoga drifted away in thought when suddenly he heard a roar of a bark.
It seemed the day was just getting started. 'I hate that dog.' He thought to himself.
Mercedes appeared and glared down Katsunishiki, the giant pig wasn't intimidated in the least, he barreled into the giant dog-which, compared to Katsunishiki wasn't looking so giant anymore-and Mercedes went flying. But the dog twisted in the air and landed on his feet, then with another loud bark rushed towards the giant pig, it was the clash of the titans Ryoga wasn't sure who he wanted to win this fight.
Oh you're that dog from the night of the battle I bet you're a RSFC spy dog Katsunishiki, make him *hurt* Akari cried.
If only I had popcorn . . . Cologne sighed.
Lotion Llama grabbed Ryoga again and tried to make a run for it. The collar had exploded, there was nothing to stop them now. Mercedes retreated from battle with Katsunishiki to follow them, the little black bite sized pig was more interesting than the large sumo wrestling pig. Akari jumped on her pig's back and rode after them screaming things like Don't worry Ryoga, I'm coming or Stop in the name of love . . . before you breeeak my heart
***
At this point the author feels it is meet to reiterate that Akari is his least favorite female character, and while he dislikes bashing people, the job done on Akari was for comic purposes. Besides, it hurts him more than it hurts her anyway . . . but only because impossible for her to feel pain.
***
Nabiki Tendo tapped her pencil on her paper. She looked at the large pile of make-up work. We did all this yesterday?
No . . . but you've been absent an awful lot. The teacher said. She adjusted her glasses as she looked at Nabiki and frowned. Have you joined a gang? Are you on drugs? It's drugs isn't it? I loose so many students to drugs . . .
Nabiki didn't answer, she just shrugged and went back to her work. She drew little pictures of Akari dying various ways on her paper until she realized that the answer to X minus five multiplied by two equals forty was not a hangman's noose. The capital of Canada had nothing to do with Akari's decapitated head, and most importantly her name was not Nabiki-KILL AKARI-Tendo.
Eh . . . Miss. Yamaguchi? Could I have a new paper?
Her teacher sighed and gave her a new paper, some of the other students snickered, Nabiki made a mental note to get something on each one of them if she hadn't already.
She was not in a mood to be messed with Not by these fools, not by anyone
Then suddenly the wall exploded and that damn Mercedes flew in and slammed into Kuno.
Ooff Who dares attack Tatewaki Blue Thunder Kuno? Who dares? Kuno cried with a dog on his face.
Oh boy . . . Nabiki sighed. Soon after Mercedes smashed the wall down, in came a Llama with anklets like Lotion's holding a little black piglet in it's mouth by the black and orange bandanna-scarf. What an amazing coincidence Nabiki said in denial.
Hey Nabiki, wasn't that your sister's pet piggy?
I have never seen that pig before in my life. Nabiki calmly lied.
Then Katsunishiki barreled into the room with Akari on his back making the hole even larger, he ran through the school's hallways making them indisputably more spacious. The other students were all murmuring excitedly, Nabiki calmly raised her hand.
Eh Miss. Yamaguchi? Do you mind if I go and use the bathroom real quick? She sighed.
Eh . . . sure. Don't forget your hall pass . . . The teacher said. She was trembling but otherwise it seemed she was going to do the mature thing and pretend that what had just happened hadn't.
God hates me. Nabiki reasoned to herself as she stepped out into the hallway. Must be because of all those 'sins'. She scowled.
Then Mercedes was running at her, the giant dog barreled right into her and they were both headed for the door, Ryoga and the Llama followed, along with Akari and Katsunishiki.
P-Chan groaned when he saw Nabiki had just joined their little parade, Akari was still shouting insane things at him, Lotion wasn't even paying attention to where she was going anymore, just following Mercedes and the dog didn't seem to care where he was going. Granted he got a little upset when Katsunishiki caught up to him and threw him through a wall but that was all, beyond that he seemed intent just to run with all these new playmates.
Of course the dog seemed to be the only one enjoying this. Ryoga hated him so.
People watched in horror as Nabiki held onto Mercedes' thick shaggy neck, Lotion held Ryoga in her jaws and Akari rode Katsunishiki shouting . . . *something* Ryoga had stopped listening when she began to quote from Romeo and Juliet.
This went on for a good portion of the day before Mercedes and Katsunishiki finally got tired. Lotion had ended up wearying a while before that and so the dog had actually carried Lotion, Ryoga, and Nabiki along as he taunted Katsunishiki. Ryoga hated him so.
The dog and pig could barely manage to run now, they just limped along. Akari grew impatient with Katsunishiki's slowness and tried to spur him on but in the end the pig-not having the strength to buck her off by now-just grunted and moved even *slower*. Finally they reached the Tendo home of all places and Mercedes and Katsunishiki both just fell over. With luck they would be dead.
Akari rushed at P-Chan, Nabiki realized the park ride from heck was over and lunged for her man . . . er pig . . . pig man . . . man pig . . . whatever. They locked gazes and both had P-Chan by the neck, they glared at each other until Ranma and Akane came home from school a half hour later.
You know, that really seems like the sort of thing that would happen to us. Akane noted.
Yeah . . . I cant say I mind Ryoga being too busy to bother me though. Ranma shrugged. They just went inside like this was normal, and sadly enough, even for the Tendo and Saotome families, this was slightly unusual and yet not so out of the ordinary . . . wait, isn't that a contradiction?
Ryoga watched the woman he loved and the woman he had-until recently-not entirely hated, as they glared at each other like a pair of wolves trying to decide who'd get to eat the elk first. Unfortunately Ryoga was the elk, and both were holding him by the neck.
And their grips gradually tightened.
Alright Akari . . . it is time you knew the truth. Ryoga likes you, but he doesn't *like* you.
Hah I refuse to let that impede our love Akari cried.
'What does that even mean?' Ryoga wondered. These girls were using words he didn't understand now
Nabiki looked like she might pounce, Akari just glared at her. He's *my* boyfriend
Prove it Akari cried. Was there no end to her denial?
Just ask him. Nabiki said simply, yet so incredibly coldly.
You're intimidating him, he'd lie to keep you from hurting him
Why cant you just accept that Ryoga belongs to me?
Do you even love him at all? Akari cried, pulling P-Chan towards her.
Of course not Nabiki scowled. I just spent all day on a dog's back being chased by a llama assassin and a sumo wrestling pig because that's how I get rid of my pent up sexual frustration
You really are a whore Akari cried.
I was being sarcastic . . . what do you mean 'really are'? Who have you been talking to? I tell you, as I've told everyone at school, Kinnosuke is a LIAR
'My head hurts . . . and it's not entirely from the lack of oxygen.' Ryoga noted to himself.
Look Akari, if you really love Ryoga, you'll let him go, and let him choose which one of us he wants
'Nooo Not this again Don't you remember what happened with Azusa?' Ryoga thought frantically.
Yes Akari started doing something to P-Chan's left foot, Yes we will set him in the middle of the street and we will each stand on opposite ends, the one of us he goes to will be the one to keep him and the other will never-ever-interfere again Akari said.
And you're going to untie that string around his foot. Nabiki said.
Curses Akari cried. Very well.
Okay, we stand in the middle of the street, put him down and take ten paces then turn around and call him at the same time. Nabiki said.
Yes . . . what about cars?
I've never seen a car drive by here. Nabiki observed.
Well . . . okay. Akari said. They walked out to the middle of the street.
'What about cars? How can you be sure? You spend most of your time miles away from home scamming people What about cars? Ryoga thought frantically. However . . .
Nabiki and Akari stood back to back, Akari stated taking her ten paces but Nabiki didn't. She instead turned, grabbed Ryoga and laughed maniacally. Hah You fool Now who has the pig?
Katsunishiki loomed behind her.
I believe that's me. Akari said.
Aww crap. Nabiki sighed.
Now put the pig down and let him walk towards me Akari cried.
Alright . . . I concede Nabiki sighed. She put Ryoga down, Ryoga thought she had some other clandestine strategy in mind . . . but she didn't.
He glumly walked towards Akari, but then suddenly he heard the sound of roller-blades
And now Azusa has Azusa's little Charlotte
No No Nabiki shouted in what Ryoga hoped was mock despair. This is getting ridiculous, you don't even want him for what we want him for
What do we want him for? Akari asked.
Nabiki scowled at her. Azusa chuckled. Azusa has the Charlotte now What does Azusa care what you wanted Charlotte for?
Then to everyone's surprise . . . another contender arrived.
She swooped down and took the pig from Azusa in a single swipe. There stood none other than Han Lo-Chun dressed in some of Kasumi's cloths. She held up the pig and laughed in her maniacal way. Haha I have captured the pig for meat testing Praise me PRAISE ME
I'll praise you all you want, just give me the pig Nabiki said.
Lotion threw Ryoga through the air, Nabiki was about to catch him, and then- Aha And now WE have the one ring Two short guys with hairy feet cried.
Bah It's just a pig Mr. Grodo
Alright Dan, just leave it then. I swear, once we find Dole-um I'm going to cut him to shreds and eat his oysters for stealing the ring back from us after we went through the trouble of stealing it from him
I'm with you Mr. Grodo, and did I ever mention how even though you're the star yet I do all the work, I've nothing but respect for ya?
Yes Dan . . . many . . . many . . . *many* times.
The two little men walked off. Ryoga stared after them. 'What the fudge was that about?' He wondered.
Well now Akari said, I suppose we have to let Ryoga choose one of us now.
Sounds good to me Nabiki scowled. She turned to Ryoga with tenderness in her voice. Listen sweetie, just come over here and I'll make sure that crazy witch never bothers us again, trust me
Oh pooh, Charlotte isn't even moving-MERCEDES Azusa went off towards the dog, and then Mercedes, with renewed strength was up on all four feet and bolting in the opposite direction.
Ryoga sighed. 'One down.' He thought. He looked at them, then made his decision. There really wasn't any decision to be made, he just had to figure out which pair of legs belonged to Nabiki since he really couldn't see their faces to well. Okay, the school uniform, only Nabiki would be wearing it Ryoga waddled off towards her.
There The choice is made The pig has decided Lotion cried. I'm . . . I'm so happy She wept.
At least someone is. Nabiki scowled, grabbing Ryoga by the collar, all her tenderness lost. The school was demolished, I'm behind on my makeup work, and worst of all it took you forever to figure out which one I was Nabiki cried.
'Eh . . . sorry?' Ryoga thought.
Akari just pointed and gawked. She stomped out into the street and started jumping up and down . . . just then a miracle happened . . .
(Five minutes earlier)
Y'see Konatsu, with this delivery truck we can deliver to anywhere in town And since we're the only car on the street we'll never be late Next stop, Ranma-honey's place Ukyo cried.
Yeah Let's drive really really fast and count on some short annoying pig farmer to stop the truck for us
(Present Time)
SSSSCCCCCRRRREEEEEECCCCCCCCHHHHHHHH
The first car to be seen driving on the roads of Ranma 1/2 universe . . . and it just managed to miss Akari
Ryoga shook his head. 'Life is getting just a little too strange . . .'
Oh Akari Ukyo Konatsu Nabiki Everyone, what are you doing out here? Kasumi asked. She looked a Lotion. Is that my extra apron?
It completes the outfit Lotion whined.
Kasumi took the theft of her clothing stoically, and just invited everyone in for dinner.
Nabiki of course had to return Ryoga to normal before dinner. She stomped into the washroom, filled the tub with hot water and then tried to drown the pig. Ryoga transformed as soon as he hit the water and unfortunately he was too strong for Nabiki to overpower and she had to give up on the drowning.
Thank you, I thought I'd never be human again Ryoga said, she noticed a faint hint of apology in his voice. I er . . . didn't meant to destroy the school . . . he frowned. It was all Mercedes I hate that dog I hate him good
Nabiki sighed. He *does* show up when you least expect it . . . and then for no apparent reason. She shook her head. And half the town saw me holding onto that beast for dear life as we trashed the whole district Nabiki scowled.
C'mon, Ryoga said with a shy grin, admit it: that was a *fun* date.
Nabiki just slapped him.
After dinner Ryoga stayed at the table a little longer, Nabiki had practically hovered over him like a lioness protecting her cub from hyenas as far as Akari and Azusa (who'd also been invited after she gave up the hunt for Mercedes) were concerned. She'd even glared at Kasumi when she'd asked Ryoga why he had a red mark in the shape of a hand on his face.
Nabiki was like some insane protective . . . thing She was like a wolf fighting off the other females in the pack for the sole breeding rights of the alpha female . . . why did he keep comparing her to animals? Whatever.
He'd never known her to get this protective over anything other than money, maybe he was really special. Then again, he'd barely been more than an acquaintance with her before, and again he wondered if they were going too fast. For a brief moment he pitied their children, then reminded himself that children were the last things he should be thinking about. How did Ranma survive like this?
But then Ranma didn't really seem to love any of his fiancees, the jerk took all those girls for granted-yeah so maybe Shampoo wasn't exactly a godsend, but Ranma could at least try to-ooh Mashed potatoes
Eventually Ryoga and Kasumi were the only people still at the table, she cleared everything away, Ryoga decided to break the silence so he asked, Kasumi, were you at one point the town's most infamous whore until you ended up on the wrong end of a ten on one?
Kasumi's jaw dropped, so did the plates she was holding.
Yeah . . . I didn't think so. Ryoga nodded.
Who told you my secret? Kasumi asked in her innocent, sexually oblivious voice. Ryoga almost fainted. From this day forward that voice wouldn't seem like a young woman pure and innocent of the disgusting realities of the human bodies' physical desires, it'd seem like a disgusting she-devil who had tried to take ten men at once and couldn't find enough holes
Ryoga Ryoga get up, I was joking Nabiki will kill me if I've killed you Oh . . . okay, now her voice sounded normal again.
Ryoga gasped for air and looked at Kasumi in shock. Not since she'd told him that Soun Tendo had had an affair and sired another two daughters had she shocked him so.
Suddenly Lotion called to them, Ryoga and Kasumi went to the TV where everyone else was, Nabiki watched them intensely then grabbed Ryoga's wrist and pulled him close to her, and didn't leg go of him.
'Okay, this is going to have to stop at some point.' Ryoga was about to speak protest but Nabiki's cold glare silenced him. Lotion pointed to the television excitedly.
It's us It's us
Indeed it showed them on the TV
Today, at about noon eye witness reports suggest the three horsemen of the apocalypse rode through the downtown market place, wreaking havoc. We have this footage taken from the scene by a man and his home video camera, but the image is blurry at best. It showed them in perfect detail, Ryoga relived the events of that afternoon again and shuddered, yet as he watched it on the screen it didn't seem all that bad.
We have drawings made by some religious sketch artists.
Religious sketch artists? Lotion blinked.
They showed them, first was a small woman on a giant pig with horns wearing samurai armor with a long spear and a saddle made of human bones. This of course had to be Akari and Katsunishiki. Next was a llama with a long tail like a lizard with spikes at the end, it's legs were covered in deadly electric looking anklets of power, upon it rode a small evil looking black rabbit.
I'm not a rabbit Ryoga cried.
The final picture was Nabiki and Mercedes, Mercedes was a huge hell hound, three tails, six legs and so on, Nabiki had long flowing hair and rode the dog sidesaddle completely nude, except that her body was that of a decaying zombie, only her face was beautiful.
Wow Ranma said. That's amazing He turned to Ryoga. Why are you having all these adventures now? Usually this sort of thing happens to me
Are you jealous Ranma? Akane chuckled.
Aww I aint jealous Ranma scowled. I'm jez asking' is all
Wow . . . I have to tell the elder I was on TV Lotion cried.
It wasn't you, it was some devil Llama Nabiki cried.
I *am* a devil Llama Lotion chuckled. I wish I had a mother I could tell She turned to Kasumi. She stared at her for a moment. Then cried, WILL YOU BE MY MOMMY?
What? Kasumi yelped. I'm-I'm not old enough to be-
Look mommy I was on TV Lotion cried.
Eh . . . that's great . . . eh . . . dear. Kasumi said.
Just then Soun came home . . . he stared into the room. Stared at all the girls surrounding just Ranma and Ryoga. Well Soun of course knew Ranma's reputation, suspected Ryoga was screwing around with Kasumi and Nabiki, and really couldn't remember that Konatsu was a boy.
Hi grandpa Lotion cried.
Soun glared at her. I am not 'grandpa'. He said simply. There will be no orgies under this roof, that's how I ended up with kids in the first place. He added just as simply, and he stomped up stairs and went to sleep.
Father . . . Kasumi said.
Well, I guess it's time Ryoga and I went off to bed. Nabiki said. She grabbed Ryoga and stuck her tongue out at Akari and Azusa. That's just *me* and *Ryoga*, off to sleep now, you cant come because it's just us Just the two of us, one, two, none of you-
I think they get it, Ryoga interrupted.
Silence, I am enjoying my triumph Nabiki whispered, she dragged him away, Yes just me and my boyfriend, all alone in my room.
He's not your boyfriend Akari cried.
Where's my Charlotte?
Suddenly a huge dog leapt in through an open window, (guess who) and grabbed Akari and Azusa in his jaws by the collars of their shirts, and then leapt out again with the two girls screaming
Ahh We should go after them, what's he gonna do to them? Ryoga cried.
How can you possibly hate that dog? Nabiki mused with a grin on her face.
Everyone stared at them . . .
Oh right . . . well we're just going to go have sex now, see ya Nabiki said, dragging Ryoga off, suddenly Soun was hovering over them. Oh . . . I didn't know you were still awake daddy . . . hi Nabiki said, patting her father on the shoulder. Bye then She ditched Ryoga and ran off.
Seducing my youngest daughter are you? Soun growled.
I was? Ryoga blinked.
Dad I'm your youngest daughter Akane cried.
Oh . . . sorry Akane. So you're seducing my eldest daughter are you?
Father . . .
Oh Sorry Kasumi. Who were you trying to seduce Ryoga?
Ryoga wasn't sure why he did what he did next. He just really *really* didn't want Soun to murder him so he pointed at Ukyo and said Her
Oh . . . well okay I've got no problem with that. He walked off happily back to his room. Ryoga sighed in relief until Ukyo lunged for him, battle spatula ready.
How dare you You know I'm in love with Ranma-honey, how dare you imply that I-
Ouch Stop Ow No more Why does it burn? No Not there Anywhere but there-ooof Thank you . . . AAHHH
Everyone was staring. Ukyo had stopped hitting Ryoga a while ago, he just kept shouting things like Stop The pain I only have two kidneys Darn, I wanted to have kids one day Hey that tickles-AHH
Even Soun and Nabiki came downstairs to see what the heck was going on, Ranma just pointed at Ryoga and shrugged.
Finally he realized that Ukyo had stopped beating the crap out of him. He stood up and laughed. You're punches are even weaker than Ranma's He cried. Ukyo smacked him with her spatula and sent him flying through the tarp that Soun had set over the demolished wall.
Aww man I was going to sneak him up to my room later Nabiki scowled. Soun glared at her. What? What Don't act like you don't know Akane and Ranma make out in the washroom
At least they have the decency to try to hide their pre-marital couplings Soun cried. Actually he didn't know Ranma and Akane made out in the washroom, but it didn't bother him since he and Genma had been trying to set those two up for quite some time anyway . . . he wondered what Genma was doing now . . .
Meanwhile . . .
So you see, it is very simple really. You are nearing your forties, while I am still in the flower of my youth-
You're two years older than me Genma cried.
Silence Anyway it is only natural that I, like Sun Ren upon her marriage to Liu Bei, would desire younger, more energetic lovers.
Sun Ren and Liu Bei? Who the heck are they? Were they our neighbors?
Never you mind. Nodoka said.
You slept with half the crew, and five people are getting divorces because of you
At least I used protection. Nodoka said happily.
And worst of all I personally haven't scored at all Genma cried.
Fear not, as soon as we're back in Japan I'll be my loyal, celibate old self again. Nodoka said honestly.
That's it You're sleeping with the chopper pilot again
If you insist. Nodoka shrugged. He really wasn't that good. Not like Tendo . . . you notice how *he* has three children and we've got one? You know why that is don't you?
Genma twitched. Two of them came from orgies, and who knows who Nabiki's father is-eh I mean at least I managed to have a son on the first try, he's got three daughters . . . Hey Wait . . . you slept with Tendo? Tendo must die Go screw the helicopter pilot, we must return to Japan Soun Tendo I will destroy you
Poor Soun . . .
Ryoga managed to find his way back to the Tendo house easily enough, as soon as he arrived he heard arguing.
Under Martial Law there will be no pre-marital couplings Soun said firmly.
Aww man Ranma sighed. Sorry Ukyo, ya better just get out of here.
I'll be back Ukyo warned.
There will be no cross dressing either Soun added. Everyone stared at Konatsu, finally he realized what they were talking about and left too looking all sad.
There will be no assassinations . . . Soun added.
Lotion looked heart broken for a moment. But . . . but I don't have anywhere else to go Grandpa Oh . . . wait . . . yes I do See ya then. She walked off whistling to herself.
Under Martial Law I declare that all peoples engaged to each other- He glared at Ranma and Akane Kiss now and declare eternal love.
Eh . . . Father, you don't want to do tha- Kasumi began but Soun cut her off.
Under Martial Law the words of King Soun are obeyed Soun cried.
Father I think- but it was too late. Ranma and Akane were arguing madly and Nabiki grabbed Ryoga and kissed him.
Hey I said- Soun began.
Didn't you know daddy? Ryoga proposed and I agreed. Nabiki said cheerfully.
You did? Ryoga gasped, Nabiki pinched him.
Is this true? Soun wailed. Kasumi glared at them, but nodded. Soun began to jump up and down, he grabbed Ryoga and hugged him. Aha My son My son
What? What Lemme go I'm not your--
At last I'll have a son in law to carry on the dojo
Hey That's what I'm for Ranma cried.
Soun looked confused now. Oh . . . right . . . well now I have TWO He looked at Kasumi. Are you engaged? Are you? Do I have three invincible sons?
No.
Drat With three son-in-laws this Martial Arts Academy would be the most powerful in the world We'd DESTROY the Koruda School of Combat
The what now? Ranma frowned.
You said you needed to think about your answer Ryoga protested to Nabiki.
And now I'm thinking it's yes Be quiet Nabiki growled.
Soun grabbed Ryoga and Ranma. Haha I'll finally get rid of two of my daughters and be able to date again
What about me? Kasumi cried. I'd still be here
Yes but by the time these four get married you'll have learned that that chiropractor paid me five hundred thousand yen and a lifetimes supply of free spine-fix'in for your hand in marriage.
WHAT Kasumi screamed.
I have this card right here Soun said. It guarantees me a lifetime of free spine-fix'in
You better hold onto that, you're going to need it Kasumi cried. Soun became very pale and then he was running for dear life, Kasumi was chasing after him with her heaviest frying pan.
I was only joking Soun screamed. I swear Just look at the card It's for a free pizza
It's the principal of the thing Kasumi cried, chasing after him.
We should do something Nabiki said.
Yeah . . . we really should. Ranma agreed. Akane ran off after Kasumi, Ryoga ran off after Akane until Nabiki grabbed him and stopped him and Ranma shook his head. Howzit that Ukyo cant put a dent in you, I have ta hit ya like a hundred times to kick yer butt, but Nabiki over there just grabs you and you fall to the ground?
She has ungodly powers Ryoga growled.
Yeah, she does, and she's gonna use em on the both of you if you don't shut up. Nabiki said simply. She yawned. Well if dad learned anything from master Hopposai it was how to run, Kasumi wont give up for a while, that's a good ten years of repressed emotion right there . . . Akane will chase them until she realizes it's hopeless and comes back here, and Ranma . . . well you're going to be going now. Nabiki said.
I am? Ranma blinked.
Yeah. Bye now. Nabiki waved her hand.
What do you think? You're some kind of Jedi or something? Mind tricks only work on the weak minded
I know. Nabiki waved her hand again and Ranma turned around and walked off. You're leaving now.
I'm leaving now.
You will go dance in the city cesspool.
I'll go dance in the city cesspool.
But not before you empty your wallet for me.
But first I'll empty my wallet for ya.
You are a duck.
Quack Quack
Now off you go
I'm running I'm running Ranma cried and he ran off.
Ryoga sighed. What the heck was that?
Oh nothing. Okay, actually I made an agreement with Ranma if he left I'd blackmail Kodachi into leaving him alone for a week.
Then why did he empty his wallet for you? Ryoga blinked.
Nabiki blinked. I dunno . . . maybe I do have ungodly powers . . . or maybe he didn't fully understand our bargain.
And when did you make this bargain? How could you have known that Kasumi would chase your father out of the house at just this time?
Ryoga . . . I control *everything* in this house. I told dad that everyone would laugh if he told Kasumi he'd betrothed her to Dr. Tofu, I told Kasumi I'd stop blackmailing people and learn to cook and clean just like my big sis if she'd chase dad out of the house if he ever said the word spine fix'in , I knew Akane would go after them, and I told Ranma when all that went down we'd act out a scene from an old American movie and he'd leave.
Wow . . . Ryoga was impressed. Why'd you want everyone gone?
Nabiki sighed.
Oh no Not again
Aww but we're engaged now We've gotta have sex on special occasions, Christmas . . . Halloween . . . Thursdays . . .
Thursdays? Thursdays aren't special occasions
We will *make* them special occasions. Nabiki said firmly.
Ryoga sighed. You're evil, you know that?
Thank you. Nabiki leaned close and was about to kiss him when suddenly-
I have returned to return the clothing I borrowed Lotion said.
Gah Nabiki scowled.
Let me guess, you never made a bargain with her. Ryoga said.
I didn't see the need Nabiki groaned. She shook her head. Go away now
What'cha doing? Lotion asked, she stared at them for a moment. Then gasped. You were going to play RISKY without me
RISKY? Ryoga frowned.
You know, the game of international conquest. Nabiki explained.
Aha . . . well eh . . . yes, yes that is exactly what we were going to do. Ryoga lied. But there's plenty of room for you to play too, Right Nabiki?
Nabiki slapped him. If you're going to 'play' with someone you're 'playing' with *me* and me alone
I meant she could play RISKY with us Ryoga groaned.
Oh Oh yeah sure I guess she can play that . . . Nabiki said, sounding a little disappointed. So much for Thursdays . . . I guess we'll have to make it Wednesdays.
Nonsense, Thursday is perfect, we'll just wait until next week. Ryoga said. Nabiki sighed.
RISKY eh? I like that game. Cologne said.
Aiya Shampoo play too
I too shall play Mousse said.
Ahh Darn you all The Amazons are invading Nabiki moaned.
Lotion glared at Mousse for a moment. Don't I know you?
The attractive young male amazon just shrugged.
For those of you who care . . .
Ryoga soon noticed that in this strange game of international conquest Nabiki seemed to hold some grudge against him, even though it was supposed to be the two of them and Lotion on a team against everyone else. Soon Nabiki had booted him out of Canada entirely, blew the crap out of his last defenses in Alaska, and her tanks mowed over his infantry in the states. Lotion took firm control of Australia and then swept out from there to take China. She spent quite some time speaking after that.
That's right Elder, now I have China That's right I control China You will mock me no longer
A lucky turn, I'll not be denied, have you even *looked* into Taiwan?
What? How can you fit so many troops in-AHHH Lotion cried when it came to Cologne's turn and Taiwan wiped the floors with China. Something not even the creators of RISKY thought could ever happen.
It went on like this for some time, until the first player was eliminated. It was Shampoo, when Ryoga, trying to find a safe haven from Nabiki threw what was left of his military against her outpost in Great Britain and ended her regime.
After that Cologne, Mousse and Shampoo were communicating in Chinese because they figured Ryoga and Nabiki wouldn't understand them, unfortunately Lotion did and she managed to stop all their plans with minimal losses.
Haha You are not so very intelligent if five tanks cannot defeat one infantry battalion Lotion cried. You're losing elder
Well we all knew you'd have to be good at *something* Han. Cologne sighed. Mousse, it's your turn, crush that infantry battalion
But Nabiki Tendo's forces have massed on the border of Brazil
She's too obsessed with destroying her boyfriend to attack you, take those foot soldiers and avenge the loss of your elder's tanks
Very well . . .
And so what would go down in RISKY history as the most one sided battle ever, Mousse's army came out of Brazil to Africa and with five jets, three tanks and seven infantry battalions *still* lost, if it were real life it'd be the stuff of Action Flicks.
After two hours Soun, Kasumi and Akane came home, they watched for a while, offering advice that no one took.
Nabiki, Ryoga is on your side Kasumi said.
Ryoga, if you take France, Cologne wont be able to take it back without leaving herself open for Lotion Akane said.
Stupid Mousse, smash the states Shampoo said.
Everyone smash the states Soun cried.
But I've got all North America Nabiki gasped, If you take out the states I wont have the strength to hold onto Canada And Canada ROCKS
Everyone smashed the states (Why does no one like the US?) and Nabiki had to temporarily give up on Ryoga to exact revenge, first defeating Mousse and taking both north and south America, then she abused Soun verbally.
After *another* two hours Lotion made her first and last mistake, she'd crushed Cologne but left herself spread to thin and so Mousse's refugees in Madagascar swept out and conquered Asia and Australia.
You . . . you defeated me Lotion cried. She blinked. Hey Hey I do know you from somewhere You're the fool who defeated me in combat Lotion cried.
I did? Mousse looked confused.
Yeah, that was him. Ranma said quickly, he'd come home some time after Nabiki and Ryoga had resumed hostilities. Yo Ryoga, Mousse is spread thinner than Lotion was, you and Nabiki can take him, then the world would be yers half'n'half
And then you could be married and the world would be united under your combined rule Soun agreed.
And we could finally get to sleep Ryoga said.
No more evil game Nabiki agreed.
Against Nabiki Tendo the Supreme Tactician and Ryoga Hibiki the Very Tired, Mousse the Nearsighted never stood a chance. His final defenses in Japan were defeated by Nabiki's air strikes just as the sun rose in the sky.
Ryoga fell face forward on the board and was drifting off to sleep when Akane cried out, Now for round two
To Be Continued . . .
Kasumi: Do not bother looking for RISKY in your local game/toy stores, you wont find it.
Grimm: I heard there was some modernized version of RISK, but I didn't care. And if you didn't pick it up from the story, a six-player game of RISK can take days . . .
Ryoga: Especially when your girlfriend who is supposed to be on your team keeps attacking you, and the other three players on the other team can speak a language you cant. It gets worse when the assassin on your team happens to be a pro at the game and crushes everyone until she realizes that she's spread herself too thin (like an Anorexic Flying Squirrel) and gets smashed down by the competition.
Next Chapter . . .
Children, children Soun chuckled. Ryoga, my poor idiot son-in-law, the one thing you never understood about being lost is that it's optional.
Eh?
TAXI Soun shouted. As if on cue a dozen big yellow cabs appeared . . . and not a single one stopped. Yes . . . well it takes a while. Soun sighed. He whistled, TAXI He shouted, more cabs, not one stopped.
Ryoga-baby, go stand in the road. Nabiki instructed, Ryoga looked at her as if she were insane. Soun nodded vigorously. Yes Yes, go do that
(though I wouldn't really call it a 'game show')
Charlotte's Web
Chapter 25
Ask Again Later . . .
It was a fancy little hut, traditional Japanese place with sitting mats, a low table and tea. Akari served Ryoga, who wasn't incredibly thirsty anyway. Akari had put a collar on him, attached was a leash she held in her hand. Ryoga could see the headlines-no, the comic book series Akari the Kinky Kidnapper, move over Alice in Under Pants Drink up Ryo-chan
What did you just call me? Ryoga frowned. He smelled the tea, it smelled normal, but he didn't want to risk drinking it.
Do you prefer Ryoga-kun? Sweetheart? Love Muffin perhaps? Or maybe 'Ryoga-honey' yes I heard *her* call you that. Is that what you prefer? Akari asked. She didn't let him answer-even though he was actually going to ask how she'd heard Nabiki call him that since she didn't call him that very often-instead she continued talking. Aha yes, well Ryoga-honey, we've got quite a bit to accomplish tomorrow, but I thought we could spend the night getting reacquainted before going to bed-you haven't slept with her have you? She was lying about the baby wasn't she? TELL ME
Eh . . . if by 'her' you mean *Nabiki* then yeah, she was lying about the baby.
Oh That is so good to know Akari sighed. My Ryoga kept himself pure just for me
Eh . . . okay, the way you said that sounded so *incredibly* creepy. Ryoga said.
Oh I'm so sorry Ryoga-honey
Eh . . . it's okay. Ryoga said.
You're so generous Such a wonderful man *She* will never love you the way I will love you, she'll never appreciate you the way I'll appreciate you
That is probably true. Ryoga nodded.
So why not take me instead? Akari pleaded.
I ah . . . don't really want to take anyone anywhere. Ryoga said. I don't know where *I* am half the time He laughed, Akari laughed too, and then she shook her head violently.
You know what I mean I'd be a better girlfriend than Nabiki Tendo could ever be
Ooh You said her name Cologne chuckled from a corner.
Silence Akari squealed. So it's settled, Ryoga and I are now boyfriend and girlfriend.
Don't I get to decide who I love? Ryoga asked.
Of course not you silly boy Akari giggled.
Didn't you used to be shy? Ryoga asked.
Yes, well I'm still a virgin, I believe the two things are connected, to remedy one I must remedy the other.
Well Eh . . . I guess you're off to a good start on that . . . maybe . . . Look Akari, you are a very special girl-
Yes Yes I'll marry you Akari cried.
I'm eh . . . not proposing to you . . .
Oh . . . right. You're right Ryoga-honey We are married souls, we don't need a ceremony
Eh . . . okay, whatever. Anyway, you are real special . . . and *really* out there-eh I mean out there somewhere is the perfect guy for you. Maybe he's lost, he might have a really bad sense of direction . . . but he isn't me. I am already in love with Nabiki, I don't know why but I am."
Oh silly Ryo-Chan-oops, I meant Ryoga-honey-I know how you feel about that girl. That is why I went through the trouble of bringing you here against your will. You will never escape, and even if you do, you will never find your way back to Nabiki Tendo.
So it takes me a few minutes . . . hours . . . alright, days to get where I'm trying to go, but I *do* get there eventually. Ryoga said in a huff.
Oh don't get me wrong Ryoga-honey, I know you do. Akari said. Then, with dramatic pauses she said very slowly, I just . . . feel that if you . . . stay with me for a little while . . . you'll come to love me as much as I love you.
That is so sweet Cologne said, wiping an imaginary tear from her eye.
Silence Akari cried. She looked at Ryoga. For you, my love, I have prepared . . . a poem. Ahem-for longer than I can remember, I've been looking for someone like you, someone who can be a man, and turn into a little piggy too, birds sing, flowers bloom, try to escape and that collar will go KA-BOOM She pointed at the collar on Ryoga's neck.
WHAT Ryoga yelped, even Cologne looked a little surprised.
Did you like it? Akari squeaked.
No Ryoga yelped, trying to get the collar off. I'm going to die
Now Ryoga, that wasn't very nice Akari said with a pout. I worked really hard on that poem, and it was just for you, my Ryoga-honey. You need to learn to think about other people's feelings, no dinner tonight.
It's sunrise Ryoga protested.
No breakfast either. Akari said coldly, and she strolled out of the room.
Cologne blinked. You know . . . this reminds me of this movie I saw once, where this famous writer was imprisoned by a fanatical fan.
What happened? Ryoga asked.
She drugged him, broke his legs, killed a guy, in the end he had to smash her head in with a . . . I think it was a pig actually.
I can do that Ryoga said with enthusiasm. Then frowned. No . . . No I couldn't hurt Akari, even if she has gone nuts . . . I don't suppose you could help me, could you? He asked.
I could. Cologne said. But what is in it for me?
My eternal gratitude. Ryoga said.
Not good enough. Do not worry, I will ask her not to break your legs as I leave.
What did I ever do to you? Ryoga groaned.
The Next Day . . . er . . . well *that* day since it was sunrise . . . eh . . . I'M CONFUSED
Okay, I can find your boyfriend for five hundred thousand yen, I'll catch him for a total of one million yen, and I'll kill him for a total of one million five hundred thousand yen. Lotion said, taking a sip from her tea.
How about only doing the first two, and maybe doing them for free? Nabiki asked.
No . . . I don't think that I will. Lotion said. I demand payment
If you do it for free, I wont tell everyone that you were defeated in combat by . . . hmm . . . Gosunkugi. Nabiki said bluntly.
The young assassin blinked. I . . . I was not
But whom will they believe? Nabiki asked simply. Me, or the assassin who only *looks* like she knows what she's doing?
Who is this Gosun-cootie? Lotion blinked.
Never you mind, just do as I say. Nabiki said. Everyone does as I say and we get along fine. Akari is trying to defy me, and for that she will be punished. Punished so painfully, I'd pity her if it were possible for me to feel that emotion for the wench who tries to steal my boyfriend.
I do so love to punish things Lotion agreed. I have special knives just for that purpose.
Nabiki frowned. What woman obsesses over knives?
An assassin Lotion said proudly.
And what woman stares hungrily at Ryoga- Nabiki was cut off by the assassin.
A woman with bad taste. Lotion sneered.
and Kasumi at the same time? Nabiki finished.
Eh . . . not me?
Oh really . . . Nabiki grinned.
But . . . but that's not fair
You hit me on the head, now you're my play thing for life. Nabiki said calmly.
Lotion blinked again. But it was a job And . . . and you . . . ahh Not fair Not fair Not fair Why am I complaining? I didn't fully understand your threat.
Nabiki sighed. I should have known. I am going to tell everyone that you are in love with Ryoga and Kasumi at the same time. That you are bisexual, do you understand now?
Yes Wait a minute . . . no.
That means you like girls and boys at the same time.
But I do not really like your boyfriend.
I know, I wouldn't send you after him if I even suspected that you did. Nabiki said. Actually I don't think very many women can see in him what I see. Now that I think of it I'm not entirely sure what I see either . . . must have grown attached to him or something . . . meh.
I am confused now Lotion cried.
Don't be, my instructions are simple, you're just going to-eh . . . excuse me Nabiki ran off to puke her guts out, but only made it so far as the sink, Kasumi was going to be pissed. Lotion laughed maniacally.
Ha-ha I have defeated you
You-ahh-what? You did no-ahh-such thing
Didn't I? Didn't I? Lotion teased. Are you sure you're not really pregnant?
Just illness . . .
Oh-ho . . . maybe the doctor you saw was a fool. I think you're pregnant. And besides, you are getting fatter.
You just-ahh-met me the other-ahh-night Nabiki cried.
Oh . . . right.
Hey Nabiki shouted. I forgot to go to school
Are you just realizing this now? Lotion asked.
Eh-ahh-I was-ahh-to busy thinking about-ahhhhhh -Ryoga
Aha . . . forgetfulness is a symptom of pregnancy. Lotion smiled.
Like YOU know Nabiki groaned. Go away
Ah yes. Very well then. I shall seek out your lover, and bring him back for torture and meat testing, then you shall praise me PRAISE ME
Meat testing? Nabiki blinked, but Lotion dashed out of the room.
Another game my darling? Akari asked, and she shoved a cracker down his throat.
Old Marc Dowel's Farm Yard Animals doesn't really interest me. Ryoga admitted.
But look, I painted the piggies black with little orange and black scarves just like you She cried. When you transform that is. Oh don't you think they are adorable? Akari asked, batting her eyelashes at Ryoga.
Well s-sure. I guess. Is there something in your eye?
No. Akari sighed. She shoved another cracker down his throat.
Look, I really do think you're great Akari, we can be great friends just like we were before . . . ah . . . before you went insane-
That's not nice Another cracker
I couldn't think of a gentler way to put it Ryoga protested. Anyway I really cant stay, I have to go, you always took my being in love with Akane in stride, cant you just deal with my liking Nabiki too?
I never took it in stride You hid it from me and when I found out I was crushed and started the RHFC
Ryoga blinked a couple times. Oh yeah Now I remember. Who was it that took it in stride? Hmm . . . Oh Ukyo
Why should Ukyo care if you like Akane or Nabiki? She's in love with Ranma Akari blinked, then she shoved yet another cracker into Ryoga's mouth.
She didn't . . . she didn't care at all *because* she was obsessed with Ranma . . . I wonder why I confused you two . . . Ryoga scratched his chin. Must be the chest binding.
I don't bind my chest Akari cried.
Oh . . . oops? Sorry about that, my mistake.
Sorry? What do you mean sorry? You mean you don't like my body the way it is? I can get implants like Nabiki
Those were implants Ryoga choked on a cracker.
Well I'd suppose they'd have to be, she and Kasumi have such ridiculous proportions while only Akane has a realistic chest.
Eh . . . I don't think they were. The way she is, I don't think Nabiki would spend her money on implants, and it's not the sort of thing I can imagine Kasumi doing . . . ever.
You didn't know? She's the greatest whore in the town, she inherited the position from Kasumi two years ago, after Kasumi ended up on the wrong side of a ten guy on one girl love feast . . . got the 'whore' screwed right out of her, so she settled down and let Nabiki take over. You have to spend money to make money, they both had implants. Come to think of it I bet that isn't even Nabiki's real nose
She isn't a whore Ryoga snapped, I know *that* for sure because she was still a virgin when I . . . eh . . . no never mind . . . stop glaring at me But eh . . . I don't know about the nose so I'll let that one slide. As for Kasumi, well even if it annoys me so, I can still understand you having a beef with Nabiki, what with my being in *love* with *her*, but Kasumi never did anything to you.
Are you in love with her too? Akari cried. Why should they matter? The woman you love just told you something, are you not going to believe her?
'Nabiki hasn't said anything to me since I was kidnaped.' Ryoga mused, but knew what Akari meant. Look, dragging them through the mud to make yourself look better isn't very ladylike, and I could never care for a lady who wasn't ladylike . . . not after knowing Ranma for as long as I have.
You're right Ryoga-honey. Akari sighed. I'm sorry, I'll be more ladylike, I promise.
Eh . . . that's good. Could you take the collar off?
You might try to escape Akari cried.
I wouldn't do it on purpose, but what if I needed to use the bathroom and with my sense of direction wandered off and then exploded? Our love could never be fulfilled Akari
You're right . . . well okay I-
He can ring a bell whenever he needs to go somewhere, that way he wont get lost and you don't have to worry about him escaping. Cologne said.
Hey That's right How wonderful Akari cried.
How long were you sitting there you old mummy? Ryoga scowled, Cologne whacked him.
Since the discussion about implants, I must say Ryoga now that it's been mentioned Nabiki has a nose that hardly resembles anyone else in the family. Either it's her mothers, or Akari speaks the truth.
Nice observation . . . but-I-don't-care Ryoga cried. It's not her nose I'm in love with
Of course not. Cologne shrugged. It's the implants you're after.
You want to talk about plastic surgery, tell me, just what cup size is Shampoo? Ryoga demanded.
Ryoga Akari cried, she shoved a cracker into his mouth. Stop talking about other ladies' boobies
All the women of our tribe are well endowed.
What about that Lotion girl? She's *barely* endowed Akari said exactly what Ryoga was thinking.
Cologne was silent for a moment. We like to pretend she doesn't exist.
That's mean Akari cried.
If you'd spend more than a few seconds with her, you'd understand why. Cologne scowled. Son-in-law thinks he has it bad with Sword Boy Kuno, but that boy is *nothing* compared to the most feared assassin in all China Her laugh is what really gets me Haha I swear if ever I hear it again I'll-
Haha Someone cried form just outside, Ryoga, Akari and Cologne rushed to the hut's small window and saw an attractive amazon-Lotion, reunited with her own clothing and shoes, and her spare set of knives after a visit back to the hide out-doing violent battle with Katsunishiki.
You are lucky pig, I will not slaughter a beast needlessly, but once I learn how to cook pork and start fires I will be feared by man and pig alike Feared I say
Katsunishiki just ate her. Cologne groaned. Bring her here Katsunishiki Akari cried.
The giant pig tromped over, spat the young amazon out but instead of Hand Lotion there was . . . a Llama.
So that is what she transforms into. Cologne chuckled.
Funny, I didn't know pig saliva was cold. Ryoga said. Katsunishiki spat on him and he became P-Chan. 'You want a peace of me? I can take you down ' The tiny black piglet glared up at the sumo pig. Katsunishiki was the size of a truck, P-Chan was the size of a kitten . . . Place Bets NOW
Banzai
Betting ENDS
P-Chan opened up with his Patented Piggy Bouncer attack, Katsunishiki opened his mouth and tried to chomp down but P-Chan smacked him straight between the eyes using his own little body as a weapon. Katsunishiki oinked and Akari cried out for them to stop, through this Cologne was laughing at Hand Lotion and the Llama looked pretty annoyed at having just lost her second set of cloths as well as her only spare set of knives.
P-Chan bit one of Katsunishiki's ears, the pig rolled over and tried to squash Ryoga, Akari came out of the hut and demanded they stop, Katsunishiki rolled off and revealed P-Chan who was fattened like a pancake, but with a pop the little piglet was ready for more
But before the match could resume Han Llama grabbed P-Chan by the collar-Yeah, the explosive one-and they ran off. They didn't get far mind you, before the collar literally went KA-BOOM In a shallow crater was P-Chan and Han Llama, though you couldn't notice it from P-Chan both were covered in black blast soot, Akari came running up, she took P-Chan in her arms and held him close.
Oh Ryoga-honey You have to get along with Katsunishiki, don't make me choose I love you with all my heart, but he was here first I cant give up either one of you Please try to get along I cannot just pick one and send the other away
'By all means pick him ' Ryoga thought. 'I don't want to be here '
It's okay, I'll get you a new explosive collar and everything will be all better.
'That wont make *anything* better I'd rather go back to Azusa At least she never used explosive collars ' Ryoga though. Then paused. 'Hey I really would rather go back to Azusa That's just wrong Well at least she always left her windows open . . .' Ryoga drifted away in thought when suddenly he heard a roar of a bark.
It seemed the day was just getting started. 'I hate that dog.' He thought to himself.
Mercedes appeared and glared down Katsunishiki, the giant pig wasn't intimidated in the least, he barreled into the giant dog-which, compared to Katsunishiki wasn't looking so giant anymore-and Mercedes went flying. But the dog twisted in the air and landed on his feet, then with another loud bark rushed towards the giant pig, it was the clash of the titans Ryoga wasn't sure who he wanted to win this fight.
Oh you're that dog from the night of the battle I bet you're a RSFC spy dog Katsunishiki, make him *hurt* Akari cried.
If only I had popcorn . . . Cologne sighed.
Lotion Llama grabbed Ryoga again and tried to make a run for it. The collar had exploded, there was nothing to stop them now. Mercedes retreated from battle with Katsunishiki to follow them, the little black bite sized pig was more interesting than the large sumo wrestling pig. Akari jumped on her pig's back and rode after them screaming things like Don't worry Ryoga, I'm coming or Stop in the name of love . . . before you breeeak my heart
***
At this point the author feels it is meet to reiterate that Akari is his least favorite female character, and while he dislikes bashing people, the job done on Akari was for comic purposes. Besides, it hurts him more than it hurts her anyway . . . but only because impossible for her to feel pain.
***
Nabiki Tendo tapped her pencil on her paper. She looked at the large pile of make-up work. We did all this yesterday?
No . . . but you've been absent an awful lot. The teacher said. She adjusted her glasses as she looked at Nabiki and frowned. Have you joined a gang? Are you on drugs? It's drugs isn't it? I loose so many students to drugs . . .
Nabiki didn't answer, she just shrugged and went back to her work. She drew little pictures of Akari dying various ways on her paper until she realized that the answer to X minus five multiplied by two equals forty was not a hangman's noose. The capital of Canada had nothing to do with Akari's decapitated head, and most importantly her name was not Nabiki-KILL AKARI-Tendo.
Eh . . . Miss. Yamaguchi? Could I have a new paper?
Her teacher sighed and gave her a new paper, some of the other students snickered, Nabiki made a mental note to get something on each one of them if she hadn't already.
She was not in a mood to be messed with Not by these fools, not by anyone
Then suddenly the wall exploded and that damn Mercedes flew in and slammed into Kuno.
Ooff Who dares attack Tatewaki Blue Thunder Kuno? Who dares? Kuno cried with a dog on his face.
Oh boy . . . Nabiki sighed. Soon after Mercedes smashed the wall down, in came a Llama with anklets like Lotion's holding a little black piglet in it's mouth by the black and orange bandanna-scarf. What an amazing coincidence Nabiki said in denial.
Hey Nabiki, wasn't that your sister's pet piggy?
I have never seen that pig before in my life. Nabiki calmly lied.
Then Katsunishiki barreled into the room with Akari on his back making the hole even larger, he ran through the school's hallways making them indisputably more spacious. The other students were all murmuring excitedly, Nabiki calmly raised her hand.
Eh Miss. Yamaguchi? Do you mind if I go and use the bathroom real quick? She sighed.
Eh . . . sure. Don't forget your hall pass . . . The teacher said. She was trembling but otherwise it seemed she was going to do the mature thing and pretend that what had just happened hadn't.
God hates me. Nabiki reasoned to herself as she stepped out into the hallway. Must be because of all those 'sins'. She scowled.
Then Mercedes was running at her, the giant dog barreled right into her and they were both headed for the door, Ryoga and the Llama followed, along with Akari and Katsunishiki.
P-Chan groaned when he saw Nabiki had just joined their little parade, Akari was still shouting insane things at him, Lotion wasn't even paying attention to where she was going anymore, just following Mercedes and the dog didn't seem to care where he was going. Granted he got a little upset when Katsunishiki caught up to him and threw him through a wall but that was all, beyond that he seemed intent just to run with all these new playmates.
Of course the dog seemed to be the only one enjoying this. Ryoga hated him so.
People watched in horror as Nabiki held onto Mercedes' thick shaggy neck, Lotion held Ryoga in her jaws and Akari rode Katsunishiki shouting . . . *something* Ryoga had stopped listening when she began to quote from Romeo and Juliet.
This went on for a good portion of the day before Mercedes and Katsunishiki finally got tired. Lotion had ended up wearying a while before that and so the dog had actually carried Lotion, Ryoga, and Nabiki along as he taunted Katsunishiki. Ryoga hated him so.
The dog and pig could barely manage to run now, they just limped along. Akari grew impatient with Katsunishiki's slowness and tried to spur him on but in the end the pig-not having the strength to buck her off by now-just grunted and moved even *slower*. Finally they reached the Tendo home of all places and Mercedes and Katsunishiki both just fell over. With luck they would be dead.
Akari rushed at P-Chan, Nabiki realized the park ride from heck was over and lunged for her man . . . er pig . . . pig man . . . man pig . . . whatever. They locked gazes and both had P-Chan by the neck, they glared at each other until Ranma and Akane came home from school a half hour later.
You know, that really seems like the sort of thing that would happen to us. Akane noted.
Yeah . . . I cant say I mind Ryoga being too busy to bother me though. Ranma shrugged. They just went inside like this was normal, and sadly enough, even for the Tendo and Saotome families, this was slightly unusual and yet not so out of the ordinary . . . wait, isn't that a contradiction?
Ryoga watched the woman he loved and the woman he had-until recently-not entirely hated, as they glared at each other like a pair of wolves trying to decide who'd get to eat the elk first. Unfortunately Ryoga was the elk, and both were holding him by the neck.
And their grips gradually tightened.
Alright Akari . . . it is time you knew the truth. Ryoga likes you, but he doesn't *like* you.
Hah I refuse to let that impede our love Akari cried.
'What does that even mean?' Ryoga wondered. These girls were using words he didn't understand now
Nabiki looked like she might pounce, Akari just glared at her. He's *my* boyfriend
Prove it Akari cried. Was there no end to her denial?
Just ask him. Nabiki said simply, yet so incredibly coldly.
You're intimidating him, he'd lie to keep you from hurting him
Why cant you just accept that Ryoga belongs to me?
Do you even love him at all? Akari cried, pulling P-Chan towards her.
Of course not Nabiki scowled. I just spent all day on a dog's back being chased by a llama assassin and a sumo wrestling pig because that's how I get rid of my pent up sexual frustration
You really are a whore Akari cried.
I was being sarcastic . . . what do you mean 'really are'? Who have you been talking to? I tell you, as I've told everyone at school, Kinnosuke is a LIAR
'My head hurts . . . and it's not entirely from the lack of oxygen.' Ryoga noted to himself.
Look Akari, if you really love Ryoga, you'll let him go, and let him choose which one of us he wants
'Nooo Not this again Don't you remember what happened with Azusa?' Ryoga thought frantically.
Yes Akari started doing something to P-Chan's left foot, Yes we will set him in the middle of the street and we will each stand on opposite ends, the one of us he goes to will be the one to keep him and the other will never-ever-interfere again Akari said.
And you're going to untie that string around his foot. Nabiki said.
Curses Akari cried. Very well.
Okay, we stand in the middle of the street, put him down and take ten paces then turn around and call him at the same time. Nabiki said.
Yes . . . what about cars?
I've never seen a car drive by here. Nabiki observed.
Well . . . okay. Akari said. They walked out to the middle of the street.
'What about cars? How can you be sure? You spend most of your time miles away from home scamming people What about cars? Ryoga thought frantically. However . . .
Nabiki and Akari stood back to back, Akari stated taking her ten paces but Nabiki didn't. She instead turned, grabbed Ryoga and laughed maniacally. Hah You fool Now who has the pig?
Katsunishiki loomed behind her.
I believe that's me. Akari said.
Aww crap. Nabiki sighed.
Now put the pig down and let him walk towards me Akari cried.
Alright . . . I concede Nabiki sighed. She put Ryoga down, Ryoga thought she had some other clandestine strategy in mind . . . but she didn't.
He glumly walked towards Akari, but then suddenly he heard the sound of roller-blades
And now Azusa has Azusa's little Charlotte
No No Nabiki shouted in what Ryoga hoped was mock despair. This is getting ridiculous, you don't even want him for what we want him for
What do we want him for? Akari asked.
Nabiki scowled at her. Azusa chuckled. Azusa has the Charlotte now What does Azusa care what you wanted Charlotte for?
Then to everyone's surprise . . . another contender arrived.
She swooped down and took the pig from Azusa in a single swipe. There stood none other than Han Lo-Chun dressed in some of Kasumi's cloths. She held up the pig and laughed in her maniacal way. Haha I have captured the pig for meat testing Praise me PRAISE ME
I'll praise you all you want, just give me the pig Nabiki said.
Lotion threw Ryoga through the air, Nabiki was about to catch him, and then- Aha And now WE have the one ring Two short guys with hairy feet cried.
Bah It's just a pig Mr. Grodo
Alright Dan, just leave it then. I swear, once we find Dole-um I'm going to cut him to shreds and eat his oysters for stealing the ring back from us after we went through the trouble of stealing it from him
I'm with you Mr. Grodo, and did I ever mention how even though you're the star yet I do all the work, I've nothing but respect for ya?
Yes Dan . . . many . . . many . . . *many* times.
The two little men walked off. Ryoga stared after them. 'What the fudge was that about?' He wondered.
Well now Akari said, I suppose we have to let Ryoga choose one of us now.
Sounds good to me Nabiki scowled. She turned to Ryoga with tenderness in her voice. Listen sweetie, just come over here and I'll make sure that crazy witch never bothers us again, trust me
Oh pooh, Charlotte isn't even moving-MERCEDES Azusa went off towards the dog, and then Mercedes, with renewed strength was up on all four feet and bolting in the opposite direction.
Ryoga sighed. 'One down.' He thought. He looked at them, then made his decision. There really wasn't any decision to be made, he just had to figure out which pair of legs belonged to Nabiki since he really couldn't see their faces to well. Okay, the school uniform, only Nabiki would be wearing it Ryoga waddled off towards her.
There The choice is made The pig has decided Lotion cried. I'm . . . I'm so happy She wept.
At least someone is. Nabiki scowled, grabbing Ryoga by the collar, all her tenderness lost. The school was demolished, I'm behind on my makeup work, and worst of all it took you forever to figure out which one I was Nabiki cried.
'Eh . . . sorry?' Ryoga thought.
Akari just pointed and gawked. She stomped out into the street and started jumping up and down . . . just then a miracle happened . . .
(Five minutes earlier)
Y'see Konatsu, with this delivery truck we can deliver to anywhere in town And since we're the only car on the street we'll never be late Next stop, Ranma-honey's place Ukyo cried.
Yeah Let's drive really really fast and count on some short annoying pig farmer to stop the truck for us
(Present Time)
SSSSCCCCCRRRREEEEEECCCCCCCCHHHHHHHH
The first car to be seen driving on the roads of Ranma 1/2 universe . . . and it just managed to miss Akari
Ryoga shook his head. 'Life is getting just a little too strange . . .'
Oh Akari Ukyo Konatsu Nabiki Everyone, what are you doing out here? Kasumi asked. She looked a Lotion. Is that my extra apron?
It completes the outfit Lotion whined.
Kasumi took the theft of her clothing stoically, and just invited everyone in for dinner.
Nabiki of course had to return Ryoga to normal before dinner. She stomped into the washroom, filled the tub with hot water and then tried to drown the pig. Ryoga transformed as soon as he hit the water and unfortunately he was too strong for Nabiki to overpower and she had to give up on the drowning.
Thank you, I thought I'd never be human again Ryoga said, she noticed a faint hint of apology in his voice. I er . . . didn't meant to destroy the school . . . he frowned. It was all Mercedes I hate that dog I hate him good
Nabiki sighed. He *does* show up when you least expect it . . . and then for no apparent reason. She shook her head. And half the town saw me holding onto that beast for dear life as we trashed the whole district Nabiki scowled.
C'mon, Ryoga said with a shy grin, admit it: that was a *fun* date.
Nabiki just slapped him.
After dinner Ryoga stayed at the table a little longer, Nabiki had practically hovered over him like a lioness protecting her cub from hyenas as far as Akari and Azusa (who'd also been invited after she gave up the hunt for Mercedes) were concerned. She'd even glared at Kasumi when she'd asked Ryoga why he had a red mark in the shape of a hand on his face.
Nabiki was like some insane protective . . . thing She was like a wolf fighting off the other females in the pack for the sole breeding rights of the alpha female . . . why did he keep comparing her to animals? Whatever.
He'd never known her to get this protective over anything other than money, maybe he was really special. Then again, he'd barely been more than an acquaintance with her before, and again he wondered if they were going too fast. For a brief moment he pitied their children, then reminded himself that children were the last things he should be thinking about. How did Ranma survive like this?
But then Ranma didn't really seem to love any of his fiancees, the jerk took all those girls for granted-yeah so maybe Shampoo wasn't exactly a godsend, but Ranma could at least try to-ooh Mashed potatoes
Eventually Ryoga and Kasumi were the only people still at the table, she cleared everything away, Ryoga decided to break the silence so he asked, Kasumi, were you at one point the town's most infamous whore until you ended up on the wrong end of a ten on one?
Kasumi's jaw dropped, so did the plates she was holding.
Yeah . . . I didn't think so. Ryoga nodded.
Who told you my secret? Kasumi asked in her innocent, sexually oblivious voice. Ryoga almost fainted. From this day forward that voice wouldn't seem like a young woman pure and innocent of the disgusting realities of the human bodies' physical desires, it'd seem like a disgusting she-devil who had tried to take ten men at once and couldn't find enough holes
Ryoga Ryoga get up, I was joking Nabiki will kill me if I've killed you Oh . . . okay, now her voice sounded normal again.
Ryoga gasped for air and looked at Kasumi in shock. Not since she'd told him that Soun Tendo had had an affair and sired another two daughters had she shocked him so.
Suddenly Lotion called to them, Ryoga and Kasumi went to the TV where everyone else was, Nabiki watched them intensely then grabbed Ryoga's wrist and pulled him close to her, and didn't leg go of him.
'Okay, this is going to have to stop at some point.' Ryoga was about to speak protest but Nabiki's cold glare silenced him. Lotion pointed to the television excitedly.
It's us It's us
Indeed it showed them on the TV
Today, at about noon eye witness reports suggest the three horsemen of the apocalypse rode through the downtown market place, wreaking havoc. We have this footage taken from the scene by a man and his home video camera, but the image is blurry at best. It showed them in perfect detail, Ryoga relived the events of that afternoon again and shuddered, yet as he watched it on the screen it didn't seem all that bad.
We have drawings made by some religious sketch artists.
Religious sketch artists? Lotion blinked.
They showed them, first was a small woman on a giant pig with horns wearing samurai armor with a long spear and a saddle made of human bones. This of course had to be Akari and Katsunishiki. Next was a llama with a long tail like a lizard with spikes at the end, it's legs were covered in deadly electric looking anklets of power, upon it rode a small evil looking black rabbit.
I'm not a rabbit Ryoga cried.
The final picture was Nabiki and Mercedes, Mercedes was a huge hell hound, three tails, six legs and so on, Nabiki had long flowing hair and rode the dog sidesaddle completely nude, except that her body was that of a decaying zombie, only her face was beautiful.
Wow Ranma said. That's amazing He turned to Ryoga. Why are you having all these adventures now? Usually this sort of thing happens to me
Are you jealous Ranma? Akane chuckled.
Aww I aint jealous Ranma scowled. I'm jez asking' is all
Wow . . . I have to tell the elder I was on TV Lotion cried.
It wasn't you, it was some devil Llama Nabiki cried.
I *am* a devil Llama Lotion chuckled. I wish I had a mother I could tell She turned to Kasumi. She stared at her for a moment. Then cried, WILL YOU BE MY MOMMY?
What? Kasumi yelped. I'm-I'm not old enough to be-
Look mommy I was on TV Lotion cried.
Eh . . . that's great . . . eh . . . dear. Kasumi said.
Just then Soun came home . . . he stared into the room. Stared at all the girls surrounding just Ranma and Ryoga. Well Soun of course knew Ranma's reputation, suspected Ryoga was screwing around with Kasumi and Nabiki, and really couldn't remember that Konatsu was a boy.
Hi grandpa Lotion cried.
Soun glared at her. I am not 'grandpa'. He said simply. There will be no orgies under this roof, that's how I ended up with kids in the first place. He added just as simply, and he stomped up stairs and went to sleep.
Father . . . Kasumi said.
Well, I guess it's time Ryoga and I went off to bed. Nabiki said. She grabbed Ryoga and stuck her tongue out at Akari and Azusa. That's just *me* and *Ryoga*, off to sleep now, you cant come because it's just us Just the two of us, one, two, none of you-
I think they get it, Ryoga interrupted.
Silence, I am enjoying my triumph Nabiki whispered, she dragged him away, Yes just me and my boyfriend, all alone in my room.
He's not your boyfriend Akari cried.
Where's my Charlotte?
Suddenly a huge dog leapt in through an open window, (guess who) and grabbed Akari and Azusa in his jaws by the collars of their shirts, and then leapt out again with the two girls screaming
Ahh We should go after them, what's he gonna do to them? Ryoga cried.
How can you possibly hate that dog? Nabiki mused with a grin on her face.
Everyone stared at them . . .
Oh right . . . well we're just going to go have sex now, see ya Nabiki said, dragging Ryoga off, suddenly Soun was hovering over them. Oh . . . I didn't know you were still awake daddy . . . hi Nabiki said, patting her father on the shoulder. Bye then She ditched Ryoga and ran off.
Seducing my youngest daughter are you? Soun growled.
I was? Ryoga blinked.
Dad I'm your youngest daughter Akane cried.
Oh . . . sorry Akane. So you're seducing my eldest daughter are you?
Father . . .
Oh Sorry Kasumi. Who were you trying to seduce Ryoga?
Ryoga wasn't sure why he did what he did next. He just really *really* didn't want Soun to murder him so he pointed at Ukyo and said Her
Oh . . . well okay I've got no problem with that. He walked off happily back to his room. Ryoga sighed in relief until Ukyo lunged for him, battle spatula ready.
How dare you You know I'm in love with Ranma-honey, how dare you imply that I-
Ouch Stop Ow No more Why does it burn? No Not there Anywhere but there-ooof Thank you . . . AAHHH
Everyone was staring. Ukyo had stopped hitting Ryoga a while ago, he just kept shouting things like Stop The pain I only have two kidneys Darn, I wanted to have kids one day Hey that tickles-AHH
Even Soun and Nabiki came downstairs to see what the heck was going on, Ranma just pointed at Ryoga and shrugged.
Finally he realized that Ukyo had stopped beating the crap out of him. He stood up and laughed. You're punches are even weaker than Ranma's He cried. Ukyo smacked him with her spatula and sent him flying through the tarp that Soun had set over the demolished wall.
Aww man I was going to sneak him up to my room later Nabiki scowled. Soun glared at her. What? What Don't act like you don't know Akane and Ranma make out in the washroom
At least they have the decency to try to hide their pre-marital couplings Soun cried. Actually he didn't know Ranma and Akane made out in the washroom, but it didn't bother him since he and Genma had been trying to set those two up for quite some time anyway . . . he wondered what Genma was doing now . . .
Meanwhile . . .
So you see, it is very simple really. You are nearing your forties, while I am still in the flower of my youth-
You're two years older than me Genma cried.
Silence Anyway it is only natural that I, like Sun Ren upon her marriage to Liu Bei, would desire younger, more energetic lovers.
Sun Ren and Liu Bei? Who the heck are they? Were they our neighbors?
Never you mind. Nodoka said.
You slept with half the crew, and five people are getting divorces because of you
At least I used protection. Nodoka said happily.
And worst of all I personally haven't scored at all Genma cried.
Fear not, as soon as we're back in Japan I'll be my loyal, celibate old self again. Nodoka said honestly.
That's it You're sleeping with the chopper pilot again
If you insist. Nodoka shrugged. He really wasn't that good. Not like Tendo . . . you notice how *he* has three children and we've got one? You know why that is don't you?
Genma twitched. Two of them came from orgies, and who knows who Nabiki's father is-eh I mean at least I managed to have a son on the first try, he's got three daughters . . . Hey Wait . . . you slept with Tendo? Tendo must die Go screw the helicopter pilot, we must return to Japan Soun Tendo I will destroy you
Poor Soun . . .
Ryoga managed to find his way back to the Tendo house easily enough, as soon as he arrived he heard arguing.
Under Martial Law there will be no pre-marital couplings Soun said firmly.
Aww man Ranma sighed. Sorry Ukyo, ya better just get out of here.
I'll be back Ukyo warned.
There will be no cross dressing either Soun added. Everyone stared at Konatsu, finally he realized what they were talking about and left too looking all sad.
There will be no assassinations . . . Soun added.
Lotion looked heart broken for a moment. But . . . but I don't have anywhere else to go Grandpa Oh . . . wait . . . yes I do See ya then. She walked off whistling to herself.
Under Martial Law I declare that all peoples engaged to each other- He glared at Ranma and Akane Kiss now and declare eternal love.
Eh . . . Father, you don't want to do tha- Kasumi began but Soun cut her off.
Under Martial Law the words of King Soun are obeyed Soun cried.
Father I think- but it was too late. Ranma and Akane were arguing madly and Nabiki grabbed Ryoga and kissed him.
Hey I said- Soun began.
Didn't you know daddy? Ryoga proposed and I agreed. Nabiki said cheerfully.
You did? Ryoga gasped, Nabiki pinched him.
Is this true? Soun wailed. Kasumi glared at them, but nodded. Soun began to jump up and down, he grabbed Ryoga and hugged him. Aha My son My son
What? What Lemme go I'm not your--
At last I'll have a son in law to carry on the dojo
Hey That's what I'm for Ranma cried.
Soun looked confused now. Oh . . . right . . . well now I have TWO He looked at Kasumi. Are you engaged? Are you? Do I have three invincible sons?
No.
Drat With three son-in-laws this Martial Arts Academy would be the most powerful in the world We'd DESTROY the Koruda School of Combat
The what now? Ranma frowned.
You said you needed to think about your answer Ryoga protested to Nabiki.
And now I'm thinking it's yes Be quiet Nabiki growled.
Soun grabbed Ryoga and Ranma. Haha I'll finally get rid of two of my daughters and be able to date again
What about me? Kasumi cried. I'd still be here
Yes but by the time these four get married you'll have learned that that chiropractor paid me five hundred thousand yen and a lifetimes supply of free spine-fix'in for your hand in marriage.
WHAT Kasumi screamed.
I have this card right here Soun said. It guarantees me a lifetime of free spine-fix'in
You better hold onto that, you're going to need it Kasumi cried. Soun became very pale and then he was running for dear life, Kasumi was chasing after him with her heaviest frying pan.
I was only joking Soun screamed. I swear Just look at the card It's for a free pizza
It's the principal of the thing Kasumi cried, chasing after him.
We should do something Nabiki said.
Yeah . . . we really should. Ranma agreed. Akane ran off after Kasumi, Ryoga ran off after Akane until Nabiki grabbed him and stopped him and Ranma shook his head. Howzit that Ukyo cant put a dent in you, I have ta hit ya like a hundred times to kick yer butt, but Nabiki over there just grabs you and you fall to the ground?
She has ungodly powers Ryoga growled.
Yeah, she does, and she's gonna use em on the both of you if you don't shut up. Nabiki said simply. She yawned. Well if dad learned anything from master Hopposai it was how to run, Kasumi wont give up for a while, that's a good ten years of repressed emotion right there . . . Akane will chase them until she realizes it's hopeless and comes back here, and Ranma . . . well you're going to be going now. Nabiki said.
I am? Ranma blinked.
Yeah. Bye now. Nabiki waved her hand.
What do you think? You're some kind of Jedi or something? Mind tricks only work on the weak minded
I know. Nabiki waved her hand again and Ranma turned around and walked off. You're leaving now.
I'm leaving now.
You will go dance in the city cesspool.
I'll go dance in the city cesspool.
But not before you empty your wallet for me.
But first I'll empty my wallet for ya.
You are a duck.
Quack Quack
Now off you go
I'm running I'm running Ranma cried and he ran off.
Ryoga sighed. What the heck was that?
Oh nothing. Okay, actually I made an agreement with Ranma if he left I'd blackmail Kodachi into leaving him alone for a week.
Then why did he empty his wallet for you? Ryoga blinked.
Nabiki blinked. I dunno . . . maybe I do have ungodly powers . . . or maybe he didn't fully understand our bargain.
And when did you make this bargain? How could you have known that Kasumi would chase your father out of the house at just this time?
Ryoga . . . I control *everything* in this house. I told dad that everyone would laugh if he told Kasumi he'd betrothed her to Dr. Tofu, I told Kasumi I'd stop blackmailing people and learn to cook and clean just like my big sis if she'd chase dad out of the house if he ever said the word spine fix'in , I knew Akane would go after them, and I told Ranma when all that went down we'd act out a scene from an old American movie and he'd leave.
Wow . . . Ryoga was impressed. Why'd you want everyone gone?
Nabiki sighed.
Oh no Not again
Aww but we're engaged now We've gotta have sex on special occasions, Christmas . . . Halloween . . . Thursdays . . .
Thursdays? Thursdays aren't special occasions
We will *make* them special occasions. Nabiki said firmly.
Ryoga sighed. You're evil, you know that?
Thank you. Nabiki leaned close and was about to kiss him when suddenly-
I have returned to return the clothing I borrowed Lotion said.
Gah Nabiki scowled.
Let me guess, you never made a bargain with her. Ryoga said.
I didn't see the need Nabiki groaned. She shook her head. Go away now
What'cha doing? Lotion asked, she stared at them for a moment. Then gasped. You were going to play RISKY without me
RISKY? Ryoga frowned.
You know, the game of international conquest. Nabiki explained.
Aha . . . well eh . . . yes, yes that is exactly what we were going to do. Ryoga lied. But there's plenty of room for you to play too, Right Nabiki?
Nabiki slapped him. If you're going to 'play' with someone you're 'playing' with *me* and me alone
I meant she could play RISKY with us Ryoga groaned.
Oh Oh yeah sure I guess she can play that . . . Nabiki said, sounding a little disappointed. So much for Thursdays . . . I guess we'll have to make it Wednesdays.
Nonsense, Thursday is perfect, we'll just wait until next week. Ryoga said. Nabiki sighed.
RISKY eh? I like that game. Cologne said.
Aiya Shampoo play too
I too shall play Mousse said.
Ahh Darn you all The Amazons are invading Nabiki moaned.
Lotion glared at Mousse for a moment. Don't I know you?
The attractive young male amazon just shrugged.
For those of you who care . . .
Ryoga soon noticed that in this strange game of international conquest Nabiki seemed to hold some grudge against him, even though it was supposed to be the two of them and Lotion on a team against everyone else. Soon Nabiki had booted him out of Canada entirely, blew the crap out of his last defenses in Alaska, and her tanks mowed over his infantry in the states. Lotion took firm control of Australia and then swept out from there to take China. She spent quite some time speaking after that.
That's right Elder, now I have China That's right I control China You will mock me no longer
A lucky turn, I'll not be denied, have you even *looked* into Taiwan?
What? How can you fit so many troops in-AHHH Lotion cried when it came to Cologne's turn and Taiwan wiped the floors with China. Something not even the creators of RISKY thought could ever happen.
It went on like this for some time, until the first player was eliminated. It was Shampoo, when Ryoga, trying to find a safe haven from Nabiki threw what was left of his military against her outpost in Great Britain and ended her regime.
After that Cologne, Mousse and Shampoo were communicating in Chinese because they figured Ryoga and Nabiki wouldn't understand them, unfortunately Lotion did and she managed to stop all their plans with minimal losses.
Haha You are not so very intelligent if five tanks cannot defeat one infantry battalion Lotion cried. You're losing elder
Well we all knew you'd have to be good at *something* Han. Cologne sighed. Mousse, it's your turn, crush that infantry battalion
But Nabiki Tendo's forces have massed on the border of Brazil
She's too obsessed with destroying her boyfriend to attack you, take those foot soldiers and avenge the loss of your elder's tanks
Very well . . .
And so what would go down in RISKY history as the most one sided battle ever, Mousse's army came out of Brazil to Africa and with five jets, three tanks and seven infantry battalions *still* lost, if it were real life it'd be the stuff of Action Flicks.
After two hours Soun, Kasumi and Akane came home, they watched for a while, offering advice that no one took.
Nabiki, Ryoga is on your side Kasumi said.
Ryoga, if you take France, Cologne wont be able to take it back without leaving herself open for Lotion Akane said.
Stupid Mousse, smash the states Shampoo said.
Everyone smash the states Soun cried.
But I've got all North America Nabiki gasped, If you take out the states I wont have the strength to hold onto Canada And Canada ROCKS
Everyone smashed the states (Why does no one like the US?) and Nabiki had to temporarily give up on Ryoga to exact revenge, first defeating Mousse and taking both north and south America, then she abused Soun verbally.
After *another* two hours Lotion made her first and last mistake, she'd crushed Cologne but left herself spread to thin and so Mousse's refugees in Madagascar swept out and conquered Asia and Australia.
You . . . you defeated me Lotion cried. She blinked. Hey Hey I do know you from somewhere You're the fool who defeated me in combat Lotion cried.
I did? Mousse looked confused.
Yeah, that was him. Ranma said quickly, he'd come home some time after Nabiki and Ryoga had resumed hostilities. Yo Ryoga, Mousse is spread thinner than Lotion was, you and Nabiki can take him, then the world would be yers half'n'half
And then you could be married and the world would be united under your combined rule Soun agreed.
And we could finally get to sleep Ryoga said.
No more evil game Nabiki agreed.
Against Nabiki Tendo the Supreme Tactician and Ryoga Hibiki the Very Tired, Mousse the Nearsighted never stood a chance. His final defenses in Japan were defeated by Nabiki's air strikes just as the sun rose in the sky.
Ryoga fell face forward on the board and was drifting off to sleep when Akane cried out, Now for round two
To Be Continued . . .
Kasumi: Do not bother looking for RISKY in your local game/toy stores, you wont find it.
Grimm: I heard there was some modernized version of RISK, but I didn't care. And if you didn't pick it up from the story, a six-player game of RISK can take days . . .
Ryoga: Especially when your girlfriend who is supposed to be on your team keeps attacking you, and the other three players on the other team can speak a language you cant. It gets worse when the assassin on your team happens to be a pro at the game and crushes everyone until she realizes that she's spread herself too thin (like an Anorexic Flying Squirrel) and gets smashed down by the competition.
Next Chapter . . .
Children, children Soun chuckled. Ryoga, my poor idiot son-in-law, the one thing you never understood about being lost is that it's optional.
Eh?
TAXI Soun shouted. As if on cue a dozen big yellow cabs appeared . . . and not a single one stopped. Yes . . . well it takes a while. Soun sighed. He whistled, TAXI He shouted, more cabs, not one stopped.
Ryoga-baby, go stand in the road. Nabiki instructed, Ryoga looked at her as if she were insane. Soun nodded vigorously. Yes Yes, go do that