Disclaimer: I don't own the movie or game CLUE
Charlotte's Web
Chapter 26
Get a CLUE
It was noon when Ryoga finally woke up, he was in the dining room, on the table (with the revolver!). Miss. Scarlet-eh I mean Kasumi was dusting and so he woke up sneezing.
"Sorry Ryoga, I didn't mean to wake you." Kasumi said.
"Where is everyone?" Ryoga asked, looking around the empty room.
"I sent Ranma and Akane to school, they should be home soon, father is off handing our souvenirs to umpteen something of his closest friends, the assassin girl left before the second round of RISKY started, and Nabiki is in her room, still asleep." She shook her head. "You know I didn't get the chance to say it last night, but I'm very pleased with you and Nabiki."
"What, for deciding to get married?" Ryoga blinked.
"No, of course not!" Kasumi scoffed. "I think you're rather impatient and a little silly to get married at your age. However last night Nabiki cleverly tricked everyone out of the house, I was so sure we'd come home to find you two in bed together. But instead you found a nice morally acceptable way to pass your time, and even invited some friends over to help you resist temptation-though that makes me wonder why Nabiki went to the trouble of getting us all out of the house, regardless I am so proud of you two."
"Don't be." Ryoga sighed. "We were going to do it, but Lotion showed up moments after Ranma left, and we ended up playing RISKY."
"Oh . . . well I suppose I should be thankful to Lotion." Kasumi said, she sounded disappointed.
"You two were going to make love before she showed up?"
"No! Wait a minute . . . yes . . . no . . . I dunno. I mean, I guess if it weren't for Lotion we would have done it, but then I'm not so sure y'know?" Ryoga added. "I mean . . . I love Nabiki, I definitely *want* her, but every time she starts getting suggestive I get nervous. I thought it'd pass after our first time together and I'd be more relaxed about this relationship in general but-"
"But you're not. If anything you're even more afraid now than you were then, and I'm willing to bet the idea that you might just end up a father has a lot to do with it." Kasumi nodded.
"Wha?" Ryoga gulped.
"Let us consider, you made love to Nabiki at least once. I know this because when she claimed to be pregnant, you believed her, and I know you are not so silly as to still believe in the stork, Ryoga," Kasumi smiled.
"Cabbage patch." Ryoga clarified. "My parents used the cabbage patch version on me. Since they wandered around so much, the stork would never find us."
Kasumi stared at him for a moment. Then said, "that wasn't the point Ryoga."
"I know. Look, I'm not afraid of being a father, the very idea of it freaked me out, but . . . I don't know, it just didn't scare me." Ryoga said. "Actually it probably should have, don't you think?" He laughed nervously.
Kasumi shrugged. "Well then maybe you just don't feel the way you think you feel then."
"Wha?"
"Maybe you're not really in love with Nabiki. You used to be head over heals for Akane, maybe this is just infatuation."
"I wish that were true." Ryoga sighed.
"Now listen to me Ryoga, and listen carefully. When you kiss her, do you feel anything at all?"
"Well yeah, her lips for one, and once or twice she's tried to get her tongue in my mouth-"
"I mean any emotion." Kasumi clarified.
"It feels nice." Ryoga shrugged. "And it's confusing too. I mean, why does she bother?" He asked.
"She's a year older, she's smart I'm dumb, she's beautiful, I'm not-"
"You're very handsome Ryoga." Kasumi interjected.
"Yeah but Mikado, Kinnosuke, they are both . . . like swim suit poster boys compared to me!"
"Yes, but Mikado is a pervert and Kinnosuke is insane, and between the three of you I'd rather have you as a brother-in-law. Actually you're also a lot cuter than Ranma, but don't ever tell him I said that, and don't think I've changed my opinion of younger men." Kasumi said simply. "So the problem is that you think you're not good enough for Nabiki?"
"Of course not! The problem is that I'm terrified of her!" Ryoga yelped. "When she hugs me I feel like I need to check my wallet, the way she was acting list night I thought I'd have to put a muzzle on her to keep her from going for Akari's throat! I'm one of the strongest fighters around and yet half the time I'm afraid she's going to kick my butt! When we did . . . y'know, do it, my head was swimming the whole time, I couldn't even concentrate on it, I was so afraid that she was somehow using her body to get some sort of coverage on me."
"Coverage?"
"Blackmail material, control, I don't know!" Ryoga yelped.
"You mean leverage?"
"Look into my eyes!" Ryoga cried, "does this look like the face of a man who knows what the heck that word means?"
Kasumi shook her head. "It's okay Ryoga. I think you should let Nabiki decide who's good enough for her."
"It's not about being good enough!" Ryoga groaned.
"Yes it is." Kasumi said simply. "That is exactly what it is. That is why you were too afraid to ever tell Akane about your feelings."
"No, a great fear of rejection was why I was too afraid to ever tell Akane about my feelings."
"But why do you suppose she would have rejected you? You were afraid you couldn't offer her what Ranma could-"
"Lies! I'm twice the man Ranma is!" Ryoga scowled to himself.
Kasumi put a hand on his shoulder, "So tell me then, why is it that Akane found out you were her pet pig-something you wanted to hide from her-before she found out you loved her-something you were constantly trying to confess to her?"
Ryoga sighed. "Ranma said it's because she's thick as a brick."
"That may well be." Kasumi admitted. "Come to think of it, you never did confess to her."
"No reason to, I'm not in love with her now, and Nabiki would castrate me if I told Akane I *used* to love her."
"You still don't know what castrate means, do you Ryoga?"
"No, but the way you used it before I figured it'd be appropriate to describe the actions Nabiki would take."
Kasumi smiled. "The sad thing is that you are correct."
"How did you even know?" Ryoga asked. "About my liking Akane that is."
"Nothing goes on here I don't know about or find out about eventually." Kasumi said simply.
"The key is not caring. Everything sorts itself out sooner or later."
Ryoga frowned. "Will this sort itself out, d'ya think?"
"Well you have time to find out, unless you were planning on getting married tomorrow morning."
"Eh . . . I was thinking more towards the afternoon." Ryoga said sarcastically.
"I doubt father would let Nabiki go until she taught him how to balance the books properly anyway." Kasumi shrugged. "That said, you two may be engaged for many, many years."
Ryoga gulped.
Kasumi then said, "You know, I think Nabiki is awake up there, maybe, if you have your doubts you should go up there and talk to her."
Ryoga shrugged. "I eh . . . guess I better . . ." He nodded.
"You see Elder," Lotion said, "I have nothing but respect for you and Shampoo, and that is why I challenge you again."
"Will you never give up?" Cologne sighed.
"This . . . will be the last time." Lotion admitted. "If I cannot defeat you I will never come near you again, my head bowed in shame for all eternity, I will even stay away from the place I once called home, never to disgrace our village with my terrible failures again."
"That does sound like a pretty good deal." Cologne nodded. "And yet, I couldn't possibly."
"But when I win, I will stand triumphant over you both, and laugh! Laugh at you and make you pay for all the times you hit me on the head, for all the times she teased me for a loss suffered at the age of three, make you both suffer the humiliation I have suffered! And when I am done, I will return to China in triumph, knowing that when the final curtain calls it shall be *I* who bows to the crowd!"
Cologne blinked. "What are you talking about? Curtains do not call. Besides, I hit everyone on the head-" she smacked Mousse as he passed by, causing him to drop several bowls of ramen.
"Shampoo never teased you for your loss, she didn't even remember fighting you because you were *that* bad. Sun Set was the one who teased you all the time, and she was teasing you because your breasts are the flattest ever seen on any amazon since Hu-Chi Ma Ma!"
A wave or repressed childhood trauma struck Han Lo-Chun like a nuclear missile. She shoved it all back under its lid. "So what if I never shut up?" She cried to no one in particular, "That was no reason to tape my mouth shut and tie me to a tree naked! It was cold and dark and scary!"
"Hmm?" Cologne blinked. "When did that happen?" She paused. "Oh yeah . . . hehehe, I remember that one. The other elders wouldn't let you back into the village because they thought your soul had been raped by a tree spirit. Those were good times . . . oh yes, good times."
"Who was the one to present them with that LIE?" Lotion cried.
"I was drunk, you have to make allowances." Cologne shrugged.
"And perhaps I have no real skill with knives," Lotion continued, "why then am I the most feared assassin in all China?"
"You're not." Cologne sighed. "If you are it is because you never stop talking."
"And just because I had allegedly been raped by a tree spirit was no reason for them to expel me from that one festival when I was fourteen!"
"Okay, we expelled you from that festival because you got drunk and started shouting about making the tree pay child support, we're not even entirely sure how you managed to get drunk, there was no alcohol for miles around. Now for both our sakes, please say no more." Cologne said.
Lotion popped. "Say no more? Say no more! You mean for me to stop talking! Always they tell me to stop talking!"
"Well your voice is rather annoying." Mousse said.
"Silence male filth!" Lotion yelped, "You will be silent! Oh how you will be silent! But *I* will be silent no longer!" Lotion said. Then she sat down and refused to say anything more for the rest of the day. It was so much of a first that Cologne bought a diary just to record the event.
***
Extract from "Cologne on Cologne, the diary of a beautiful Amazon Queen"
Dear Diary, this is my first entry, the peasant known as Han Lo-Chun (Alias Hand Lotion), daughter of Han Job (Alias unfit for writing) and Dum Gai (Alias Dumb Guy) today did the unthinkable, she was silent for the entire day! We held a grand celebration, I was pampered by ten young men with large . . . capacities for good? Yes that works. And Future Son-in-law Ranma (Alias Ranko) once again begged feverishly for Great Grand Daughter's (Alias Shampoo) hand in marriage. Again he was flatly rejected, but perhaps some day he will be good enough for her. His homosexual brother (Alias Akane) continues to oppose the righteous marriage.
***
A thousand years later a race of super intelligent aliens found the diary, and based a religion on it, the other aliens thought they were crazy, and then the next day all the stars systems the nonbeliever aliens orbited around went super nova. The shape left behind by the constellation of empty space when viewed from any angle at all, resembled Cologne's face, but alien astronomers are adamant that this is coincidence.
***
Ryoga walked into Nabiki's room cautiously, he thought about what Kasumi had said about him thinking he wasn't good enough, but he was still pretty sure he was just afraid of Nabiki stabbing him in the back at some point. The way he felt now, if she did that he'd die, just die. Or maybe watch a lot of TV and eat a lot of cookies, whichever was more convenient.
The more he thought of it the more it made sense, she could do so much better, why would she waste her time with him unless she had some plan, or maybe she was working under a bet.
'Or maybe she really does love me,' he thought. Then mentally chided himself. That was impossible, Ranma had even once accused Nabiki of being devoid of feeling. She was just being nice to him because of a bet or something. Yeah, that sounded right. A bet. As soon as he entered he noticed something odd. Nabiki was sitting up in bed hugging her legs to her chest staring out a window. Problem was there wasn't a window, she was staring at the wall.
"Ah . . . Nabiki?" Ryoga spoke up. "Can I ah . . . come in?"
"You might as well." She sighed.
"Uh . . . okay." Ryoga came inside, he walked up to Nabiki, "are you watching ants or something?"
"Hmm?" She looked up at him. "No, just thinking.
"Oh. Do you mind if I think with you?" He asked.
"You lack the necessary equipment Ryoga-honey." She said sourly.
"Yeah . . . I sure do." Ryoga said with a smile, but Nabiki was not amused.
"I went downstairs to check on you." Nabiki informed him.
"Yeah? When?" Ryoga asked.
"About the time you mentioned to my sister how I'm a wild animal in need of a muzzle-so I don't rip Akari's throat from her body-and how I'm trying to get *leverage* on you, as if there'd be any reason for me to blackmail you." She sounded slightly hurt. "I'm not evil you know!"
Ryoga frowned. "Of course you are, that's why I like you."
"I'm not!" She growled.
"If you say so." Ryoga put his hands up in surrender.
Nabiki sighed again and glanced at Ryoga. "Sit next to me."
"Wha?"
"I'm fully I'm not going to do anything!" She growled. "Oh wait, that's right, I'd probably have a hidden camera somewhere to take pictures so I can latter accuse you of rape!"
"I never . . . ah . . . said anything about a hidden camera . . ." Ryoga said, looking around the room.
Nabiki frowned. "Yeah . . . I know . . . that's just kinda the sort'a thing I'd do if I didn't *really* love you."
Ryoga sat down next to Nabiki on her soft, comfortable bed, she leaned against him and sighed. "You know why I like you more than Kinnosuke?"
"Because I don't carry a puppet around and ask it for advice?"
"Exactly. You think I want the father of my children to be some freak who talks to a . . . a *thing* on his hand? Even if he is good with money and cute! I'd rather have a guy who can't really figure out directions, that way he's completely dependent on me. Still has to be cute though . . ."
"I'm not cute." Ryoga said. "I'm ruggedly handsome. Wait, did you say father of your children?"
"No, Ukyo is ruggedly handsome, you're cute." Nabiki insisted. "And yes, I did indeed say 'father of my children'."
"I thought you said that." He nodded. "Oh, and I'm not dependent on you!"
"You're close enough." Nabiki said.
"No way! I was doing fine before I even came to the Tendo Dojo and met you." Ryoga said.
"Before you met me you chased Ranma around aimlessly because he just happened to always gofor the same lunch you did, and managed to get it before you could. Then you got turned into a little black pig, and chased Ranma around round some more. Except this time you blamed him for a girl with a pigtail and her pet panda knocking you into the spring, yet this was before you learned that Ranma *was* that girl and that his father *was* that panda. Now before we got together you used your alter-ego, P-Chan to pose as my little sister's pet pig and thus obtain the sort of affection no one had ever shown you before."
Ryoga decided to just let her have her way, and not mention the torment he'd suffered since getting together with her, partially because it wasn't all her fault-though so much of it was. Nabiki looked at him seriously, "what's wrong with the affection I show you?" She asked. "You never thought Akane was trying to blackmail you, what's wrong with me?"
"Nothing." He said.
"Then why don't you trust me?" She asked.
"I do." He lied.
"You think I'm trying to blackmail you!" She demanded.
"Eh . . . well that's because you have." Ryoga shrugged.
"No I . . . eh . . . well not recently." Nabiki said indignantly.
Ryoga sighed now, he looked at Nabiki and shook his head. "Look . . ." he whispered, "I eh . . . I'm sorry. I'm just nervous all right? I've never had a girlfriend before."
"What about Akari."
"She really doesn't count." Ryoga said.
"Sure she doesn't." Nabiki scoffed. She put her head on his shoulder. "I guess I can just forgive you this time . . . you have to trust me in the future."
"I will. I promise." Ryoga said.
From the doorway they heard Kasumi shout, "KISS HER YOU BLOCK HEAD!" then there was a gasp and the sound of feet running down stairs, then Kasumi shouted again from further away, "Father! Turn that TV down! Oh? Leaving again? So soon? Bye then!"
Ryoga shook his head, but decided what Kasumi had said was acceptable advice, if not completely sane. He held Nabiki close and pressed his lips against hers, she leaned against him and slowly began to wrap her arms around him and-
"Don't overdo it." Kasumi said, coincidentally walking by with a basket of folded laundry. Ryoga and Nabiki parted a little reluctantly.
She smiled at him, and wrapped her arms around him anyway. "I love you." She cooed.
"I love you too . . ." Ryoga said. He'd heard her say it before, but he wasn't sure that he'd ever get used to it.
She squeezed him tight, "Good. Now, on the subject of blackmail, what would you be willing to do to keep these pictures for getting to the public?" Nabiki revealed a set of pictures she'd taken of Ryoga the night she'd learned he was P-Chan.
He sighed. "What I said earlier, about you being evil . . . I just want to restate: you are evil."
"This is just how I show my affection, sweetie." Nabiki said. "Besides, you said that was what you liked about me, so how can I stop?"
Kasumi smiled to herself. Those two were such a sweet couple, it was a refreshing change of pace from Ranma and Akane who obviously loved each other but were too stubborn to admit it. But then again Kasumi had to remind herself that while Ryoga was a fairly honorable young man, a good guy overall and nice to everyone excluding Ranma, Nabiki definitely couldn't be trusted not to seduce the poor lost boy.
The problem now was that though Akane, given the fact that Nabiki and Ryoga were already obviously together and she'd been proven right, had given up and was happy to leave the two on their own, except when the subject of who knew first came up, Kasumi was not. She had now taken over the role of cupid, but it was a very delicate job.
Nabiki was seventeen, very nearly eighteen, her hormones had been successfully held back for that long with constant guilt trips, exaggerated tales of STD, and of course the fact that she got bored with most boys by the time their wallets were empty. Kasumi wasn't exactly sure what made Ryoga so special, he was cute but so were all the boys Nabiki went out with. And he was younger. Kasumi herself had no taste for younger men, and Nabiki had on occasion claimed the same thing though on several occasions she'd proven age meant little if not nothing to her.
But whatever it was that drove her to actually sleep with the lost boy didn't matter because she apparently planned to marry him anyway so her soul would be safe-or at least as close to it as possible considering that Nabiki was a being of pure evil. Maybe Ryoga, with his honor and such would be a good influence on her . . .
Or maybe she'd make him just as evil and corrupt as she was . . . really it'd be worth watching,
Kasumi felt. What fun betting on the result would be.
Kasumi decided to make lunch, however she realized she was out of a few spices, salt, pepper, and curry powder-not that she planned to use the salt and pepper of course.
But she needed curry powder . . . she couldn't leave Nabiki and Ryoga alone . . . she might come
back an auntie.
'I will just have to take one of them with me.' Kasumi reasoned.
She was about to go get one of them when the doorbell rang and so she went to answer it. There was Hand Lotion looking dejected with a pair of suitcases and a sign on her neck.
"Ask Me About My Vow of Silence" the sign read.
"Oh! Hello Hand Lotion!"
"Yahg." The Amazon shrugged.
"Won't you come in?" Kasumi offered.
"Eh."
"What's the matter?"
Hand Lotion took out a small notepad and wrote something on it, she handed it to Kasumi.
"I forgot why, but for some reason I've refused to speak to anyone." The note read.
Kasumi frowned. "Umm . . . okay."
Lotion wrote another note. Kasumi read it.
"I plan to go back to China, I bid you farewell, I shall not return until I have become a true fighter."
"Oh-ho. Okay." Kasumi said, trying to think of a nice way to say 'I don't care'
Lotion handed her another note.
Kasumi looked at it, it was just a bunch of scribbles and lines and such. "What is this?" She asked.
Lotion wrote *another* note and handed it to Kasumi. Kasumi read, "It is the recipe to Marshion Cookies, I thought you might want it."
"But I can't read it!" Kasumi cried. Lotion flipped it upside down impatiently. "Oooooh. Okay, thanks!" Kasumi said, doubting she'd actually use it. "We'll eh . . . miss you?"
Lotion bowed and then walked off. Kasumi scratched her head. "What was I doing? Oh right, I was going to the market. Wasn't I going to take some one with me?" She blinked. Akane and Ranma arrived home at just that moment.
"Oh! Ranma! Akane! Would one of you like to come to the market with me?"
"Do I have to?" Ranma asked.
"It's okay Ranma, I'll go!" Akane scowled at Ranma.
"Great!" Ranma said. "Weeks of our Lives is on!" He ran inside, then suddenly came out and glared at Akane. "Hey! This is one of those things where you say it's okay, but you're secretly going to make me pay for it later, isn't it?"
"I don't know what you're talking about." Akane glared back at him.
Kasumi blinked. "Umm . . . okay . . . we can all go." She offered.
"I think that would be best." Akane glared.
"Fine then!" Ranma growled.
Kasumi scratched her head. She was almost certain she was supposed to be asking some one *else* to come . . . who? She looked at the little piece of paper in her hand, "Oh! That's right!"
She said, she was supposed to get Hand Lotion to come with her to the market, how silly of her to forget.
"Lets go then!" Kasumi said, and she, Akane, and Ranma set off to find Hand Lotion then visit the market.
Leaving Nabiki and Ryoga all alone . . . in the house . . . by themselves . . . and stuff.
As fate would have it-and Fate decided it would-Nabiki chose just that moment to look out her window, Ryoga mused, watching her curious activities as she suddenly ran through the whole house asking if anyone was home, then going around a locking every door and window she rushed back up and grinned wickedly at Ryoga.
"Wow . . ." he said. He looked at his imaginary watch, "What took you so long? That was all of ten seconds." He said.
"Silence!" She cried, "We're home alone!"
"I see . . . and?"
"And . . . do I really have to tell you?" Nabiki blinked.
"Yes, that might help." Ryoga shrugged.
"You're hopeless!" Nabiki moaned. "Don't make me say it!"
"Well then how will I know?"
"Oh you're so cruel!"
"Maybe you think I'm joking and I know what it is you're talking about and I'm making you say it because it thrills me to see you get on your hands and knees and beg me-" Ryoga said, Nabiki nodded vigorously! "-but that isn't the case, I honestly don't know what you want from me."
"Gah!" Nabiki moaned. "I'm engaged to a fool!"
"You mean you didn't already know that?" Ryoga raised an eyebrow.
Nabiki glared at him, then conceded, "Okay I did. But I'd hoped you might have instincts or something!"
"Let me try and figure out what you want then . . . " Ryoga let the wheels in his head turn for a moment . . . he took another moment when he still hadn't figured it out after the first. Nabiki was about to tell him, he held up a hand. "Wait, I've got it." He assured her.
He thought for a moment more . . . Nabiki glared at him and finally just took her shirt off.
"Oh! *That's* what you meant!" Ryoga nodded. "Gotcha. Yeah, it is pretty hot in here. Lets go to the park." Nabiki glared at him, "What? I'm kidding! I'm kidding! I know what you really want you sick sex-obsessed creature."
"Are you sure?"
"Sort'a."
"I don't need to take the rest of my cloths off before you figure it out?" Nabiki demanded.
"Well you're going to do it anyway aren't you?" Ryoga asked.
"I . . . well yeah." Nabiki admitted.
"Then it's a failsafe, if I haven't figured it out by now, I will when you finish undressing. Now go at it, I'll go make a sandwich and be back here in-"
"Five days!" Nabiki snapped.
"If you insist."
"Ryoga!" Nabiki whined. "I thought you loved me!"
"I do." Ryoga nodded. "I thought you said 'Thursdays'."
"I did." Nabiki admitted. "But we missed it because you wanted to play Risky!"
"That's it!" Ryoga said. "I know how we can do this!"
"Well yeah, so do I, I was watching porn with Kasumi and got all these neat ideas." Nabiki said.
"No not that!" Ryoga said, " I meant we . . . whoa, whoa, did you just say you and Kasumi were watching porn together?"
"In our underwear." Nabiki nodded.
"You're lying!" Ryoga tried not to imagine his fiancée and his future sister-in-law watching porn together in their underwear because then he'd imagine them watching porn *together* in their underwear. "I meant I know how we can decide if we have sex or not."
"Look Ryoga, if you really don't want to-"
"Eh? I thought it was you who didn't want to!" Ryoga said.
Nabiki glared at him. "And how did you come to *that* conclusion?"
Ryoga had to think about that one for a few moments, finally he admitted she'd confused him.
"Can't you just say what you mean? I'm not Kinnosuke, now you have me *wanting* a little puppet to ask advice from, or at least a magic 8-ball. I'm only a little smarter than Kuno y'know!"
"Until recently I'd have argued that you're smarter than you think, but jeez Ryoga, you've proven me wrong." She shook her head. "Your head is completely empty."
"There are cobwebs." Ryoga offered.
"Cobwebs I grant you."
"And a mouse running on a wheel?"
"A wheel perhaps, but I think your mouse died." Nabiki said.
"Aww . . ." Ryoga pouted. "I liked the mouse."
Nabiki sighed and just shoved Ryoga onto her bed. "No more talk." She informed him, pressing her lips against his.
"I'm home!" Soun cried from downstairs.
"No!" Nabiki moaned. "NNNOOOO!" She looked like she might cry, she pinched Ryoga's shoulder, "You took too long!"
"What? Kasumi barely left! It's been a minute, two tops!" Ryoga protested.
"If you hadn't spent so much time *thinking* then we could have had sex twice!"
"Well yeah I guess, considering how fast you-Ouch! Would you just put your shirt on?"
Nabiki pulled her shirt over her head just as Soun walked in. "And what are you two doing?" He asked.
"How'd you get in?" Nabiki asked. "I-eh I mean Kasumi told me to lock all the doors!"
"Uh . . . we still have a hole in our wall . . ."
"It isn't fixed?" Nabiki yelped.
"The wall is fixed, we just still have a hole. Thinking of making it a side door." Soun shrugged.
"You two weren't doing anything *wrong* were you?"
"We would if you'd give us the chance!" Nabiki moaned.
Soun shook his head. "Now now, once you're married you can do whatever you like. Speaking of which, when were you planning on actually getting married?"
"Eh . . . well . . ." Nabiki looked at Ryoga.
Ryoga shrugged. "I eh . . . would have to contact my parents . . . that could take a few minutes or a few months. They'd have to meet you, getting them here would take-again-a few months if we want to be optimistic."
"We have to inform the entire Tendo clan." Soun nodded.
"Eh . . . daddy, we *are* the entire Tendo clan." Nabiki observed.
"You've got aunts and uncles that'd love to know you're getting married."
"No! Not auntie Ikuyo! I don't want her anywhere *near* Ryoga!" Nabiki freaked out, Ryoga looked at her in confusion.
"Why not?"
"Er . . . it's best if we don't tell you." Soun said. "What about auntie Misako?"
"You keep her and her freak of a son away from me or I'll disown you, daddy!"
"Right . . . er . . . you really don't like our relatives much, do you?"
"No, just those ones."
"Okay, what about Uncle Miyagi?"
"Him too."
"Auntie Koshi?"
"Her too."
"Uncle Sano?"
"There is no Uncle Sano."
"Just seeing if you're paying attention." Soun shook his head. "Ryoga, you don't hate your family do you?"
"I don't really know them well enough." Ryoga admitted.
"Well at least it'll be a small wedding." Soun said. "And to think I had such plans. I promised your mother that I'd make sure my three girls had weddings they'd never forget. If you want it to be small then I'll personally have to do something to make it unforgettable."
"If you're going to run around drunk and naked screaming about spiders then just invite everyone." Nabiki scowled.
"How did you know that was what I was going to do?" Soun asked seriously.
Nabiki blinked. Her jaw dropped and she gave her father a look of pure horror. "I didn't! You wouldn't! You're joking!" She yelped.
"Eh . . . yes. Yes I was." Not even Akane would be stupid enough not to tell he was lying. "Well *son*," Soun said, throwing his arm around Ryoga's shoulders, "let's get to work, we've got to track down your parents and introduce them to your bride."
"Can't Ryoga stay here?" Nabiki asked. "You can track down his parents and then have a nice long discussion about . . . well . . . something. Talk about parenting, or how honored you are to have their son marrying your favorite daughter."
"You're marrying Kasumi too!?" Soun cried.
"Daddy!" Nabiki cried, Ryoga was confused now. "I meant me!"
"Oh right. Well I can talk to them I suppose, but how would I know what they look like?" Soun asked.
"Ryoga! Give him a picture!" Nabiki commanded.
"I would if I had one." Ryoga shrugged. "Guess I have to go."
"Well then I'm going too. To make sure you don't get lost." Nabiki informed him.
"Okay." Ryoga shrugged.
"Then . . . we're off." Soun said excitedly. He left a note for Kasumi . . .
Not so long after they left a vengeful panda and his suspiciously young looking wife showed up at the Tendo training hall.
"You know, when you said we'd look for my parents," Ryoga said, "I thought you meant to do it by putting out an add in the paper, or perhaps hiring a private investigator. I didn't think we'd actually *look* for them." Ryoga said. "I really don't even know if they're in this country, let alone this town."
"Nonsense, you come here often enough." Soun said.
"Yes, but-"
"Well then I'm sure we'll find them." Soun Tendo said simply.
"It's getting late, isn't it?" Nabiki observed.
"Well . . . yes." Soun said. "No matter, there was a motel five miles back, we can camp there if we don't get home before sunset . . . hey, where did they go?" Soun scratched his head. All he saw was a dust cloud as if someone were running very fast towards said motel . . . "By motel I meant to say cat house!"
The dust cloud paused, then reversed direction, in an instant Soun could see Nabiki stomping back reluctantly, holding Ryoga by the his bandanna.
"Alas, my poor desperate daughter. At least you came to your senses." Soun shook his head.
"No she didn't!" Ryoga cried.
"Yeah, I was going to keep going, but then I thought about it . . . I just don't want to have to compete with professionals." Nabiki growled.
"Aha. Well, sucks to be you." Soun said, "Alright . . . I'm not rightly sure where we are."
"NO!" Nabiki moaned. "Daddy, tell me that Ryoga just threw his voice!"
"If that makes you feel any better . . ." Soun said. "Anyway, I guess we should just head home."
"But you don't know where we are!" Ryoga yelped.
"Now I know why Kasumi has a 'happy place', I really wish I had one . . ." Nabiki sighed.
"Children, children!" Soun chuckled. "Ryoga, my poor idiot son-in-law, the one thing you never understood about being lost is that it's optional."
"Eh?"
"TAXI!" Soun shouted. As if on cue a dozen big yellow cabs appeared . . . and not a single one stopped. "Yes . . . well it takes a while." Soun sighed. He whistled, "TAXI!" He shouted, more cabs, not one stopped.
"Ryoga-baby, go stand in the road." Nabiki instructed, Ryoga looked at her as if she were insane.
Soun nodded vigorously. "Yes! Yes, go do that!"
Ryoga gave them a look that read 'why does god hate me?' and stood in the middle of the road.
"TAXI!" Soun shouted, three cabs drove up, one swerved out of the way of Ryoga and crashed, one tried to stop and spun out of control hitting an oil truck, and the third was brought to a screeching halt partially by Ryoga who'd put his hands out to keep from being squashed like a bug.
"Where to Mac?" The cab driver said, as if it were so normal.
"Aha, the Tendo Training Hall in Nerima." Soun said.
"So this is the Taxi . . . I've heard so much of them, never before have I seen one." Ryoga said.
"Liar." Nabiki scoffed. "Get in already!"
"Will it hurt?" Ryoga asked.
"Not as much as you'll hurt if you make us wait." Soun warned.
"I started running the meter five minutes ago." The cab driver added.
"But you've just picked us up now!" Ryoga cried.
"Heh-heh . . . yeah." The cab driver smiled dumbly.
Kasumi, Ranma, Akane and Lotion got home, Lotion was still silent, but she'd started writing notes just about as often as she normally spoke. Unfortunately she'd gone through three note pads and the only truly important thing she'd said was asking where "worthless male slave with the bandanna" and Nabiki were. That's when Kasumi remembered she was supposed to be at home to prevent the premature conception of her niece or nephew.
But no one was home. She found a crumpled up note in the garbage with panda prints all over it, she couldn't make out what it said, just that it had something to do with Ryoga, father, and a search.
Imagine Kasumi's surprise when the doorbell rang and it *wasn't* father and Ryoga with the object of their search, but the object of their search on it's own.
There stood a slightly fat man with thin glasses, wearing a yellow and black bandanna like Ryoga's on his head. He wore the same yellow-green shirt as Ryoga, and the same green pants, same shoes even. His counterpart, who looked too young to rightly be his wife but probably was anyway, wore a more feminine version of the shirt, it came down to her knees and was tied at the waist making it into a skirt. She wore the bandanna around her neck, just like Nabiki. Both had large umbrellas that resembled Ryoga's, and enormous backpacks.
"Hello!" The man said, his voice obviously disguised, "We're here to see our son."
"Hiya pop!" Ranma called, "Why're you dressed up like Ryoga?"
"Y-you must be mistaken." The man chuckled. "I'm eh . . . not your father, insolent fool boy. I am . . . Genma-er Genoga Hibiki, this is my wife Nodoga Hibiki. We're here to see our son . . .
Ryoga."
"Yes, we're answering an add in the paper, it says here that Soun Tendo seeks parents of his soon to be son-in-law."
"This news paper looks like it was printed off a computer, pop." Ranma raised an eyebrow.
"Again you call me father, what a strange, INSANE boy you are." Genma-er Genoga said.
"It's such a pleasure to meet you!" Akane cried, shaking the False Hibiki's hands, "You know *I* was the first to know about your son and my sister, yep, I could tell from the first day Ryoga showed up here that he wanted my sister!"
"That aint true, in fact she's around so rarely I don't think he even met Nabiki until he'd been here for a few days," Ranma said, "and even then he just sort of grunted and she nodded in dismissive manner."
Akane glared at Ranma.
"Well, you two should come in." Kasumi said, not wanting to keep their guests waiting outside. Of course they *looked* like Genma and Nodoka, but those two were away on a boat cruise for a few days yet. Besides, Ryoga looked sort of like Ranma, if those theories on genes and DNA were correct then it made sense that Ryoga's parents would resemble Ranma's parents . . . wait . . . was that right? Kasumi wasn't sure anymore. Who the heck were these people?"
"Didja know your son turns into a little black piglet when you pour cold water on him?" Akane asked.
"Maybe he didn't want them to know that!" Kasumi cried.
"Oh we already knew all about it, Akane." Genoga said.
"Yes, don't be silly Akane, we knew that, we watch TV too."
"Aha yes, that pet competition . . . so tragic."
"Eh . . . how did you know my name was Akane?"
"You eh . . . er . . . told us?"
"No I didn't."
"Well Ryoga told us. In his letters . . . yes that's it."
"How did you know it was her?" Ranma sneered.
"Er . . ."
"Give up the act old man!" Ranma cried, lunging for Genoga with a bucket of cold water.
"You see we knew that no one could be so adorable and cute as to fit his description except this fine young girl." Nodoga offered.
"Wow!" Akane blushed. Kasumi rolled her eyes. While that did sort of sound like something Ryoga would write these two were awfully fishy. "I'm so flattered!" Akane said, trying to hide her red face.
"You're insultin' our intelligence pop . . . those of us that have intelligence anyway." Ranma scowled.
"Again, idiot boy, I am not your father."
"You know Ranma, not everything is about you." Akane scowled.
"Are you sure? Until last month everything always *was* about me." Ranma pointed out.
"He has a point." Kasumi added.
"Well . . . well this isn't!" Akane cried. "This is about my sister and her boyfriend and-"
"Look, I've seen Ryoga's parents and they aint it." Ranma scowled.
"You saw Ryoga's parents?" Kasumi asked.
"Eh . . . yeah. Yeah I'm . . . pretty sure." Ranma said.
"Hah! Pretty sure? Not good enough!"
"Oh yeah?" Ranma got a crafty look in his eyes. "We'll just see about that. You fat freak!"
"Don't speak to your father that way!" Nodoga(?) cried. Genoga glared at her, she bowed her head in apology. "I am sorry. I have failed. I shall commit Seppuku then."
"That's her answer for everything." Kasumi frowned, she took Nodoka's katana away and watched her aunt try to murder herself with the umbrella. "And father wants to unite our families through marriage . . ." Kasumi sighed. "I now appreciate Akane's sacrifice more than ever."
"Sacrifice?" Ranma cried. "What'cha mean 'sacrifice'?" He phased out and drooled for a moment, then snapped back, "She aint made no sacrifice! I'm the one making the sacrifice, marrying a sexless tomboy like her!"
"Sexless? Look who's talking!" Akane cried, throwing a glass of water at Ranma, it connected, hitting Ranko right between the eyes. "How can you be so rude to Ryoga's parents?"
"Akane, you really are thick as a brick!" Ranma yelped in shock. He grabbed a glass and tossed it in Genma's face!
There was a flash of movement, the water never touched Genma, but he was soaked with sweat. Nodoka swallowed the mass of water and sighed. "I learned a new talent on vacation!"
"What talent?" Kasumi asked.
"I can catch delicious liquids in my mouth before they hit my face." Nodoka said, "I've toned it into a reflex, I only had to put my face in front of my husband's."
"T-thank you." Genma gasped.
"Wait . . . why would you need to catch liquids headed fer yer face . . in yer mouth . . . AAAAHHHHHH!" Ranko screamed and curled into a ball, sucking her thumb and crying.
"The image too much for you boy?" Genma sneered.
"I'm so sorry for his rude behavior." Akane said.
"Oh give it up Akane!" Kasumi cried. "You two, why are you dressed up like that?"
"Well . . ." Genma sighed. "When I found out your father slept with my wife-"
"Honestly, we were drunk, we didn't know what we were doing, and besides-"
"No 'besides'! I don't want to hear the 'besides'!" Genma cried. "Anyway, I decided I'd murder him in cold blood, but he'd expect it if he saw me back early, so I decided to pose as Ryoga's father. I knew I should have bought a wig, but these fake fangs were uncomfortable enough."
"Yes . . ." Nodoka sighed, "But I'm going to wear them the next time I give a-"
"AAAAHHHHHH!!!" Ranko moaned.
"-That'll make it even more fun!" Nodoka cried.
"But . . . but why would dad sleep with Ryoga's mom? That makes Ryoga and Nabiki like . . . brother and sister!"
"Oh for crying out loud!" Genma tore the bandanna off and took the false teeth out, "It's me and your auntie Nodoka!"
Akane stared for a moment. "Dad slept with Ranma's mom?"
"Yes. It was wonderful." Nodoka glowed.
"But . . . but that makes me and Ranma like brother and sister!"
"Only if Genma dies in a airplane crash and I marry your father." Nodoka nodded.
"B-but . . . but . . . ewe!"
"Don't worry, I decided not to sabotage the plane unless Nabiki agreed to help . . . so I'd have a patsy. Oh, by the way, do you girls like Japan?"
"Extremely." Kasumi nodded.
"Because if we moved to Hawaii we could all be very happy. We'd air lift our houses to Hawaii, build Saotome-Tendo town, set our homes up right next to each other with a third smaller house for Ranma and Akane . . . and I'd spend all day in my underwear trying to entice your father over-"
"See what I'm dealing with? This has driven me to wanting to kill my lifelong friend!" Genma cried.
"I must admit, she is acting rather strangely."
"No I'm not, I'm just horny." Nodoka shrugged. She fell to her knees. "I'm almost forty-"
"Eh, dear-" Genma tried to interrupt.
"I said I'm *almost* forty!" Nodoka repeated, "I'm getting old, I just wanted to feel sexy!"
"So sleeping with my best friend and a helicopter pilot helped you do that?" Akane asked.
"And the zoo keepers, and the ice cream man, then there was that boy on the bike, the tales of teenage stamina are grossly exaggerated-or maybe it was because of his ten mile ride, I'm not sure-those two homeless people in the park, the ship's captain, first mate, ahh heck, half the crew actually."
"Oh my god!" Genma cried.
Ranma was weeping now.
"Oh! And then there was that couple on the cruise ship, those strangers in that bar, that guy who asked me if I could take a picture of him, with his wife and his children, that woman with male . . . eh . . . body parts, cant forget that. Oh! And . . . well you know those fighter pilots that thought our helicopter was a hostile aircraft? Well I told them to meet me at ten."
Genma fell face forward, Ranko was singing something *loudly* with her fingers in her ears,
Akane was a frozen statue of shock, Kasumi just scoffed.
"That's disgusting!" She said at last. "I can understand your need to feel special, but you have a husband who loves you, and a son who until now seemed to think you were a virgin, and of course don't forget that the vengeful spirit of our mother will haunt you endlessly-if such things truly exist."
"Yes . . . the price was great, actually I am haunted by quite a few people now. I've slept with a lot of people with dead lovers or parents that feel it's wrong of me to damn people's souls by getting them to commit adultery. I've gotten used to it."
"Really?" Kasumi blinked.
"No. Do I look like the sort of person who believes in ghosts?"
"Oh . . ."
Just then the doors opened, Nabiki walked in, she looked around, looked at Genma, wearing Ryoga's cloths, and Nodoka who still hadn't changed out of her costume. "Laundry day?" She asked, she didn't bother to inquire about why they were home early, she probably didn't care.
Ryoga came in next. He blinked. "M-mom! D-dad! You're here!" He ran up to them and hugged them. "Hey . . . wait a minute . . . you're not my mom and dad!"
"Can't you tell them by site?" Nabiki blinked.
"You mean you don't recognize us?" Genma gasped, Kasumi glared at him. "Okay, fine then,
we're not."
Nodoka didn't let Ryoga go, she squeezed him tight, then saw Nabiki's neutral face become a deadly glare, she released the boy quickly but handed him a small peace of paper.
"Ten forty five." She whispered.
"What?" Ryoga looked at the paper in confusion, Genma moaned.
Kasumi snatched the paper away. "You're not corrupting my future-brother-in-law!"
"Nonsense I wouldn't even suggest it." She said. "I mean, after all, Ranma is my son."
"I meant my other future-brother-in-law." Kasumi clarified.
"Oh . . . what?" Nodoka looked at Ryoga, then Nabiki. "AHH! You really did get her pregnant?"
"No." Nabiki said.
"Oh . . . why the heck are you marrying him then?" Nodoka asked. She put one hand on the boy's shoulder, the other she forced him to turn his face to Nabiki. "He's cute, but not your type, he isn't a money making machine and he certainly isn't smart enough for you!"
"Hey!" Ryoga cried.
"But he knows colors . . . he's almost strong enough to kick Ranma's butt if I ever tell him too, he'd come in handy if I ever need to have burglars extracted from our home-assuming he's home to do it-and most importantly in any marriage," Nabiki looked around the room and grinned.
"Well he's actually rather good in bed. If he were a sandwich he'd be . . . turkey, it's great but it'll put you to sleep. Some day I'll turn him into a hamburger, greasy, beefy, and loaded with secret sauce." Nabiki said, this was the wrong thing to say for many reasons. For one, it obviously sparked Nodoka's interest because she was massaging Ryoga's shoulder now, then again father had just finished paying the cab driver and was standing right behind Nabiki.
"W-what did you s-say?" Soun demanded, his head was giant and scary now, steam came out of his nose and ears.
There was no way Nabiki would talk her way out of this! Kasumi watched with a mixture of sympathy and eagerness, expecting her sister to receive her first real scolding in years!
"You slept with Ryoga? I'll tar and feather you both, I'll cut out that pleasure giving tongue Ryoga, I'll boil you in oil, pack your bags Nabiki, you're going to be sent to a convent, as for you Ryoga, well I'm going to castrate you!"
"Oh don't! Not yet . . . wait until eleven o'clock." Nodoka pleaded.
"Why does everyone want to castrate me?" Ryoga yelped.
Oh Nabiki would never talk her way out of this! She was doomed! Ryoga was doomed!
Lotion-who hadn't spoken at all and thus made it easy to forget of her existence-wrote a note to Soun and handed him an evil looking knife.
"Castrating knife?" Soun read the note. "Excellent! Now I don't have to buy one!" He glared at Ryoga.
"Daddy." Nabiki said. "Sit."
Soun dropped the knife, and sat down at the table. Nabiki gave him a cigarette. "Hmm . . . well maybe it's not so bad, you two are engaged anyway right? There's no problem."
"Oh my god!" Kasumi shouted. "No! No! That did not just happen! How did that happen? How did that happen!? I mean come on! Come on! Come on!"
"Relax Kasumi." Nabiki said.
"No! No you always do this! You always talk your way out of these things! And this time you did it with just two words! I almost expect you to announce that you're the head of all crime in Nerima, and see dad just shrug and say 'okay'! It isn't right! You should be punished. I think I'm going to have to take matters into my own hands."
"What?"
"As the only mother figure in this family, and apparently the only parent who wont back down from a 'sit' command, I will deal the punishment."
"Oh fine." Nabiki glared.
"Young lady . . . you will . . . you will not have sex with Ryoga again, until you are both over eighteen."
"You expect me to just agree?"
"That or Lotion castrates him."
Lotion held the knife, looked at Ryoga and sighed. She passed Kasumi a note that said "I don't actually know what 'castrate' means, I just had a knife labeled for that purpose when I bought the kit."
Nabiki glared. "I refuse to speak to you anymore. But everyone else, my sister Kasumi sucks."
"Really? Me too!" Nodoka cried.
Everyone stared.
"What?" Nodoka asked. "What?"
"Oh yeah . . ." Genma said, "Tendo! How DARE you sleep with my wife!" He leapt at Soun and the two went into death rolls, they'd be at it for a while.
"Well . . . it's almost ten." Nodoka said. "I must prepare a bed. Kasumi, I'm afraid you'll have several sheets to wash tomorrow."
Kasumi glared at Nodoka. "I'm not washing your sex-waste off anything, you do it yourself."
"Oh fiddlesticks."
"Mom! D-don't do it! If you need to feel special, go and win the Olympics or something!"
"Oh son-eh daughter-er son, winning the Olympics would be a very manly thing to do, but it wont work for me. Besides, you all seem to forget, I don't want to feel special, I want to feel sexy. Say, do you think my breasts are a nice size? Should I have implants?"
"You're asking ME?" Ranma cried.
"Well you're a girl now, so surely you know if these are an appropriate size."
"If you want to feel sexy, you need implants." Nabiki said. "Doubling the size wont be enough either, we're talking touch the floor, hooker sized hooters."
"Y-yeah. Akari said y-you know an awful lot about that." Ryoga pointed out.
Kasumi blinked, did that mean what she thought it meant? Nabiki's breasts were impressive, but not exactly implant size, but then Kasumi hadn't paid much attention to her sister's breasts, Nabiki *had* been rather shy about her development . . . when it was over though they'd had to lock her up at night like a cat in heat.
Nabiki glared, she grabbed Ryoga's hand, "Does *this* feel like an implant to you?" She
demanded, holding his hand to her breast.
"I-I-I w-w-w-wouldn't kn-kn-know!" Ryoga cried.
"Nabiki!" Nodoka cried.
"Nabiki!" Akane gasped.
"Nabiki!" Kasumi cried.
"I was going to do that!" Nodoka said angrily.
"Neither of you is supposed to do that, he's just a poor innocent creature!" Kasumi said.
"We're not having sex! You can't do anything! Nyah!" Nabiki sneered.
"I thought you two slept together, why did he just faint?" Nodoka asked.
"Hmm? Oh he's a wuss." Nabiki said simply.
Kasumi shook her head. "This is the strangest family in the world."
"And just think, soon it'll be even bigger!" Akane squeaked. "Once Ryoga and Nabiki's baby is born!"
"I'm not pregnant!" Nabiki cried.
"But you will be." Akane grinned.
"Not for another year."
"Two years, I said you weren't having sex until you're *both* over eighteen."
"I'm seventeen!" Nabiki scowled.
"He's sixteen."
"Darn!" She glared at Ryoga, but he was unconscious. "Could we have sex on birthdays?"
"His eighteenth birthday, sure."
"What about Christmas?"
"Christmas in two years? Of course."
Nabiki looked sad now. "Thursdays?" she asked, choking back crocodile tears.
"No Thursdays." Kasumi said solemnly.
"You hear that? No Thursdays! My evil sister is just too cruel!" Nabiki wept, but even Akane could tell they were fake tears.
"You know, this reminds me of the time we decided to teach Kasumi not to smoke . . ." Soun said to Genma, the two paused their fight to reminisce.
"Ah yes, we found her pretending to smoke so you decided to teach her a lesson." Genma nodded.
"How'd you do that?" Akane asked.
"Yes, how did you do that?" Kasumi demanded, because she had no memory of this.
"We made her smoke a whole carton of cigarettes." Soun coughed. "I er . . . you were five at the time, the eh . . . the neighbors didn't think it to be very good parenting."
"Why don't I remember this?" Kausmi cried.
"I expect you repressed the memory because you had to go the hospital afterwards."
"What kind of father are you?!" Kasumi cried.
"The best you'll ever have!" Soun cried. "Anyway it worked, you never smoked again, in fact after the accompanying lecture you never wanted to do anything immoral again . . . that's why you're a nineteen year old girl who takes care of her worthless father and her self-centered sisters as if she were twice her age."
"Self-centered?" Akane cried.
"Wait a moment, you expect us to make Nabiki smoke a carton of cigarettes?" Nodoka asked.
"Of course not, of all the people in this house she'd probably enjoy it!" Soun scoffed.
"I would?" Nabiki blinked.
"What? No. No, smoking is bad, you don't ever want to smoke." Soun said, lighting another cigarette. "Very bad, tastes like tar, and your mouth will be like an ash tray, Ryoga wont want to kiss you anymore."
"So I'd train him by making him eat an ashtray breakfast, lunch and dinner. Bring on the carton!" Nabiki announced.
"Eh . . . no that's not what we're going to do. You're going to go have sex with Ryoga . . . oh lets say five times a day for a week. After that you two wont even want to look at each other." Soun said, pleased with himself.
Nabiki blinked. Then she hugged Soun, "Oh thank you daddy! You're so smart! I like you're punishment so much more than Kasumi's mean punish-eh I mean Oh no! Not that!"
"No . . . no she'd *really* enjoy that." Nodoka sighed. "Better to make it a violent, unpleasant experience. I'd say make it five boys with five more coming in to take over every ten minutes, until she's screwed to exhaustion, and hopefully she wont end up with any STDs."
"WHAT!?!" Nabiki screamed.
"Don't worry, I'll switch places with you before it starts." Nodoka whispered.
"No . . . no that's a bit extreme, I don't want to hurt my daughters."
"Why was I in the-hey! I remember, I coughed up a lung!" Kasumi cried.
"I think we'll just have her have sex with Ryoga, and then lecture them thoroughly."
"Right . . . we should get to work on that." Nabiki said, she shook Ryoga awake. "Wake up! We're gonna go screw around now!"
He came around, and looked really confused. Just then, as Nabiki was about to lead him off and Kasumi was lecturing Soun as she'd never lectured before the door bell rang, Kasumi went to open it and a pair draped in shadow was the sight that greeted her.
"Hello, we're here about our son, Ryoga." One of them said.
Kasumi's eyes narrowed. "You have got to be kidding."
"No, we're quite serious." The other said. "You see we were in the neighborhood and we were told our son often comes here, and that he'd been here very often lately, we felt this would be a good chance to come and meet with him, and perhaps catch up on all the things that have
happened since we were last together."
Kasumi repeated, "You have got to be kidding."
To Be Continued . . .
Next Chapter . . .
"So son, you didn't introduce us to Nabiki, which one is she? The one with the sword? She seems a bit old for you, but then-" Ryoga's father was saying.
"I'm Nabiki." Nabiki said calmly.
Ryoga's mother forced a smile. "I was afraid of that."
"What's that supposed to mean?" Nabiki growled.
Charlotte's Web
Chapter 26
Get a CLUE
It was noon when Ryoga finally woke up, he was in the dining room, on the table (with the revolver!). Miss. Scarlet-eh I mean Kasumi was dusting and so he woke up sneezing.
"Sorry Ryoga, I didn't mean to wake you." Kasumi said.
"Where is everyone?" Ryoga asked, looking around the empty room.
"I sent Ranma and Akane to school, they should be home soon, father is off handing our souvenirs to umpteen something of his closest friends, the assassin girl left before the second round of RISKY started, and Nabiki is in her room, still asleep." She shook her head. "You know I didn't get the chance to say it last night, but I'm very pleased with you and Nabiki."
"What, for deciding to get married?" Ryoga blinked.
"No, of course not!" Kasumi scoffed. "I think you're rather impatient and a little silly to get married at your age. However last night Nabiki cleverly tricked everyone out of the house, I was so sure we'd come home to find you two in bed together. But instead you found a nice morally acceptable way to pass your time, and even invited some friends over to help you resist temptation-though that makes me wonder why Nabiki went to the trouble of getting us all out of the house, regardless I am so proud of you two."
"Don't be." Ryoga sighed. "We were going to do it, but Lotion showed up moments after Ranma left, and we ended up playing RISKY."
"Oh . . . well I suppose I should be thankful to Lotion." Kasumi said, she sounded disappointed.
"You two were going to make love before she showed up?"
"No! Wait a minute . . . yes . . . no . . . I dunno. I mean, I guess if it weren't for Lotion we would have done it, but then I'm not so sure y'know?" Ryoga added. "I mean . . . I love Nabiki, I definitely *want* her, but every time she starts getting suggestive I get nervous. I thought it'd pass after our first time together and I'd be more relaxed about this relationship in general but-"
"But you're not. If anything you're even more afraid now than you were then, and I'm willing to bet the idea that you might just end up a father has a lot to do with it." Kasumi nodded.
"Wha?" Ryoga gulped.
"Let us consider, you made love to Nabiki at least once. I know this because when she claimed to be pregnant, you believed her, and I know you are not so silly as to still believe in the stork, Ryoga," Kasumi smiled.
"Cabbage patch." Ryoga clarified. "My parents used the cabbage patch version on me. Since they wandered around so much, the stork would never find us."
Kasumi stared at him for a moment. Then said, "that wasn't the point Ryoga."
"I know. Look, I'm not afraid of being a father, the very idea of it freaked me out, but . . . I don't know, it just didn't scare me." Ryoga said. "Actually it probably should have, don't you think?" He laughed nervously.
Kasumi shrugged. "Well then maybe you just don't feel the way you think you feel then."
"Wha?"
"Maybe you're not really in love with Nabiki. You used to be head over heals for Akane, maybe this is just infatuation."
"I wish that were true." Ryoga sighed.
"Now listen to me Ryoga, and listen carefully. When you kiss her, do you feel anything at all?"
"Well yeah, her lips for one, and once or twice she's tried to get her tongue in my mouth-"
"I mean any emotion." Kasumi clarified.
"It feels nice." Ryoga shrugged. "And it's confusing too. I mean, why does she bother?" He asked.
"She's a year older, she's smart I'm dumb, she's beautiful, I'm not-"
"You're very handsome Ryoga." Kasumi interjected.
"Yeah but Mikado, Kinnosuke, they are both . . . like swim suit poster boys compared to me!"
"Yes, but Mikado is a pervert and Kinnosuke is insane, and between the three of you I'd rather have you as a brother-in-law. Actually you're also a lot cuter than Ranma, but don't ever tell him I said that, and don't think I've changed my opinion of younger men." Kasumi said simply. "So the problem is that you think you're not good enough for Nabiki?"
"Of course not! The problem is that I'm terrified of her!" Ryoga yelped. "When she hugs me I feel like I need to check my wallet, the way she was acting list night I thought I'd have to put a muzzle on her to keep her from going for Akari's throat! I'm one of the strongest fighters around and yet half the time I'm afraid she's going to kick my butt! When we did . . . y'know, do it, my head was swimming the whole time, I couldn't even concentrate on it, I was so afraid that she was somehow using her body to get some sort of coverage on me."
"Coverage?"
"Blackmail material, control, I don't know!" Ryoga yelped.
"You mean leverage?"
"Look into my eyes!" Ryoga cried, "does this look like the face of a man who knows what the heck that word means?"
Kasumi shook her head. "It's okay Ryoga. I think you should let Nabiki decide who's good enough for her."
"It's not about being good enough!" Ryoga groaned.
"Yes it is." Kasumi said simply. "That is exactly what it is. That is why you were too afraid to ever tell Akane about your feelings."
"No, a great fear of rejection was why I was too afraid to ever tell Akane about my feelings."
"But why do you suppose she would have rejected you? You were afraid you couldn't offer her what Ranma could-"
"Lies! I'm twice the man Ranma is!" Ryoga scowled to himself.
Kasumi put a hand on his shoulder, "So tell me then, why is it that Akane found out you were her pet pig-something you wanted to hide from her-before she found out you loved her-something you were constantly trying to confess to her?"
Ryoga sighed. "Ranma said it's because she's thick as a brick."
"That may well be." Kasumi admitted. "Come to think of it, you never did confess to her."
"No reason to, I'm not in love with her now, and Nabiki would castrate me if I told Akane I *used* to love her."
"You still don't know what castrate means, do you Ryoga?"
"No, but the way you used it before I figured it'd be appropriate to describe the actions Nabiki would take."
Kasumi smiled. "The sad thing is that you are correct."
"How did you even know?" Ryoga asked. "About my liking Akane that is."
"Nothing goes on here I don't know about or find out about eventually." Kasumi said simply.
"The key is not caring. Everything sorts itself out sooner or later."
Ryoga frowned. "Will this sort itself out, d'ya think?"
"Well you have time to find out, unless you were planning on getting married tomorrow morning."
"Eh . . . I was thinking more towards the afternoon." Ryoga said sarcastically.
"I doubt father would let Nabiki go until she taught him how to balance the books properly anyway." Kasumi shrugged. "That said, you two may be engaged for many, many years."
Ryoga gulped.
Kasumi then said, "You know, I think Nabiki is awake up there, maybe, if you have your doubts you should go up there and talk to her."
Ryoga shrugged. "I eh . . . guess I better . . ." He nodded.
"You see Elder," Lotion said, "I have nothing but respect for you and Shampoo, and that is why I challenge you again."
"Will you never give up?" Cologne sighed.
"This . . . will be the last time." Lotion admitted. "If I cannot defeat you I will never come near you again, my head bowed in shame for all eternity, I will even stay away from the place I once called home, never to disgrace our village with my terrible failures again."
"That does sound like a pretty good deal." Cologne nodded. "And yet, I couldn't possibly."
"But when I win, I will stand triumphant over you both, and laugh! Laugh at you and make you pay for all the times you hit me on the head, for all the times she teased me for a loss suffered at the age of three, make you both suffer the humiliation I have suffered! And when I am done, I will return to China in triumph, knowing that when the final curtain calls it shall be *I* who bows to the crowd!"
Cologne blinked. "What are you talking about? Curtains do not call. Besides, I hit everyone on the head-" she smacked Mousse as he passed by, causing him to drop several bowls of ramen.
"Shampoo never teased you for your loss, she didn't even remember fighting you because you were *that* bad. Sun Set was the one who teased you all the time, and she was teasing you because your breasts are the flattest ever seen on any amazon since Hu-Chi Ma Ma!"
A wave or repressed childhood trauma struck Han Lo-Chun like a nuclear missile. She shoved it all back under its lid. "So what if I never shut up?" She cried to no one in particular, "That was no reason to tape my mouth shut and tie me to a tree naked! It was cold and dark and scary!"
"Hmm?" Cologne blinked. "When did that happen?" She paused. "Oh yeah . . . hehehe, I remember that one. The other elders wouldn't let you back into the village because they thought your soul had been raped by a tree spirit. Those were good times . . . oh yes, good times."
"Who was the one to present them with that LIE?" Lotion cried.
"I was drunk, you have to make allowances." Cologne shrugged.
"And perhaps I have no real skill with knives," Lotion continued, "why then am I the most feared assassin in all China?"
"You're not." Cologne sighed. "If you are it is because you never stop talking."
"And just because I had allegedly been raped by a tree spirit was no reason for them to expel me from that one festival when I was fourteen!"
"Okay, we expelled you from that festival because you got drunk and started shouting about making the tree pay child support, we're not even entirely sure how you managed to get drunk, there was no alcohol for miles around. Now for both our sakes, please say no more." Cologne said.
Lotion popped. "Say no more? Say no more! You mean for me to stop talking! Always they tell me to stop talking!"
"Well your voice is rather annoying." Mousse said.
"Silence male filth!" Lotion yelped, "You will be silent! Oh how you will be silent! But *I* will be silent no longer!" Lotion said. Then she sat down and refused to say anything more for the rest of the day. It was so much of a first that Cologne bought a diary just to record the event.
***
Extract from "Cologne on Cologne, the diary of a beautiful Amazon Queen"
Dear Diary, this is my first entry, the peasant known as Han Lo-Chun (Alias Hand Lotion), daughter of Han Job (Alias unfit for writing) and Dum Gai (Alias Dumb Guy) today did the unthinkable, she was silent for the entire day! We held a grand celebration, I was pampered by ten young men with large . . . capacities for good? Yes that works. And Future Son-in-law Ranma (Alias Ranko) once again begged feverishly for Great Grand Daughter's (Alias Shampoo) hand in marriage. Again he was flatly rejected, but perhaps some day he will be good enough for her. His homosexual brother (Alias Akane) continues to oppose the righteous marriage.
***
A thousand years later a race of super intelligent aliens found the diary, and based a religion on it, the other aliens thought they were crazy, and then the next day all the stars systems the nonbeliever aliens orbited around went super nova. The shape left behind by the constellation of empty space when viewed from any angle at all, resembled Cologne's face, but alien astronomers are adamant that this is coincidence.
***
Ryoga walked into Nabiki's room cautiously, he thought about what Kasumi had said about him thinking he wasn't good enough, but he was still pretty sure he was just afraid of Nabiki stabbing him in the back at some point. The way he felt now, if she did that he'd die, just die. Or maybe watch a lot of TV and eat a lot of cookies, whichever was more convenient.
The more he thought of it the more it made sense, she could do so much better, why would she waste her time with him unless she had some plan, or maybe she was working under a bet.
'Or maybe she really does love me,' he thought. Then mentally chided himself. That was impossible, Ranma had even once accused Nabiki of being devoid of feeling. She was just being nice to him because of a bet or something. Yeah, that sounded right. A bet. As soon as he entered he noticed something odd. Nabiki was sitting up in bed hugging her legs to her chest staring out a window. Problem was there wasn't a window, she was staring at the wall.
"Ah . . . Nabiki?" Ryoga spoke up. "Can I ah . . . come in?"
"You might as well." She sighed.
"Uh . . . okay." Ryoga came inside, he walked up to Nabiki, "are you watching ants or something?"
"Hmm?" She looked up at him. "No, just thinking.
"Oh. Do you mind if I think with you?" He asked.
"You lack the necessary equipment Ryoga-honey." She said sourly.
"Yeah . . . I sure do." Ryoga said with a smile, but Nabiki was not amused.
"I went downstairs to check on you." Nabiki informed him.
"Yeah? When?" Ryoga asked.
"About the time you mentioned to my sister how I'm a wild animal in need of a muzzle-so I don't rip Akari's throat from her body-and how I'm trying to get *leverage* on you, as if there'd be any reason for me to blackmail you." She sounded slightly hurt. "I'm not evil you know!"
Ryoga frowned. "Of course you are, that's why I like you."
"I'm not!" She growled.
"If you say so." Ryoga put his hands up in surrender.
Nabiki sighed again and glanced at Ryoga. "Sit next to me."
"Wha?"
"I'm fully I'm not going to do anything!" She growled. "Oh wait, that's right, I'd probably have a hidden camera somewhere to take pictures so I can latter accuse you of rape!"
"I never . . . ah . . . said anything about a hidden camera . . ." Ryoga said, looking around the room.
Nabiki frowned. "Yeah . . . I know . . . that's just kinda the sort'a thing I'd do if I didn't *really* love you."
Ryoga sat down next to Nabiki on her soft, comfortable bed, she leaned against him and sighed. "You know why I like you more than Kinnosuke?"
"Because I don't carry a puppet around and ask it for advice?"
"Exactly. You think I want the father of my children to be some freak who talks to a . . . a *thing* on his hand? Even if he is good with money and cute! I'd rather have a guy who can't really figure out directions, that way he's completely dependent on me. Still has to be cute though . . ."
"I'm not cute." Ryoga said. "I'm ruggedly handsome. Wait, did you say father of your children?"
"No, Ukyo is ruggedly handsome, you're cute." Nabiki insisted. "And yes, I did indeed say 'father of my children'."
"I thought you said that." He nodded. "Oh, and I'm not dependent on you!"
"You're close enough." Nabiki said.
"No way! I was doing fine before I even came to the Tendo Dojo and met you." Ryoga said.
"Before you met me you chased Ranma around aimlessly because he just happened to always gofor the same lunch you did, and managed to get it before you could. Then you got turned into a little black pig, and chased Ranma around round some more. Except this time you blamed him for a girl with a pigtail and her pet panda knocking you into the spring, yet this was before you learned that Ranma *was* that girl and that his father *was* that panda. Now before we got together you used your alter-ego, P-Chan to pose as my little sister's pet pig and thus obtain the sort of affection no one had ever shown you before."
Ryoga decided to just let her have her way, and not mention the torment he'd suffered since getting together with her, partially because it wasn't all her fault-though so much of it was. Nabiki looked at him seriously, "what's wrong with the affection I show you?" She asked. "You never thought Akane was trying to blackmail you, what's wrong with me?"
"Nothing." He said.
"Then why don't you trust me?" She asked.
"I do." He lied.
"You think I'm trying to blackmail you!" She demanded.
"Eh . . . well that's because you have." Ryoga shrugged.
"No I . . . eh . . . well not recently." Nabiki said indignantly.
Ryoga sighed now, he looked at Nabiki and shook his head. "Look . . ." he whispered, "I eh . . . I'm sorry. I'm just nervous all right? I've never had a girlfriend before."
"What about Akari."
"She really doesn't count." Ryoga said.
"Sure she doesn't." Nabiki scoffed. She put her head on his shoulder. "I guess I can just forgive you this time . . . you have to trust me in the future."
"I will. I promise." Ryoga said.
From the doorway they heard Kasumi shout, "KISS HER YOU BLOCK HEAD!" then there was a gasp and the sound of feet running down stairs, then Kasumi shouted again from further away, "Father! Turn that TV down! Oh? Leaving again? So soon? Bye then!"
Ryoga shook his head, but decided what Kasumi had said was acceptable advice, if not completely sane. He held Nabiki close and pressed his lips against hers, she leaned against him and slowly began to wrap her arms around him and-
"Don't overdo it." Kasumi said, coincidentally walking by with a basket of folded laundry. Ryoga and Nabiki parted a little reluctantly.
She smiled at him, and wrapped her arms around him anyway. "I love you." She cooed.
"I love you too . . ." Ryoga said. He'd heard her say it before, but he wasn't sure that he'd ever get used to it.
She squeezed him tight, "Good. Now, on the subject of blackmail, what would you be willing to do to keep these pictures for getting to the public?" Nabiki revealed a set of pictures she'd taken of Ryoga the night she'd learned he was P-Chan.
He sighed. "What I said earlier, about you being evil . . . I just want to restate: you are evil."
"This is just how I show my affection, sweetie." Nabiki said. "Besides, you said that was what you liked about me, so how can I stop?"
Kasumi smiled to herself. Those two were such a sweet couple, it was a refreshing change of pace from Ranma and Akane who obviously loved each other but were too stubborn to admit it. But then again Kasumi had to remind herself that while Ryoga was a fairly honorable young man, a good guy overall and nice to everyone excluding Ranma, Nabiki definitely couldn't be trusted not to seduce the poor lost boy.
The problem now was that though Akane, given the fact that Nabiki and Ryoga were already obviously together and she'd been proven right, had given up and was happy to leave the two on their own, except when the subject of who knew first came up, Kasumi was not. She had now taken over the role of cupid, but it was a very delicate job.
Nabiki was seventeen, very nearly eighteen, her hormones had been successfully held back for that long with constant guilt trips, exaggerated tales of STD, and of course the fact that she got bored with most boys by the time their wallets were empty. Kasumi wasn't exactly sure what made Ryoga so special, he was cute but so were all the boys Nabiki went out with. And he was younger. Kasumi herself had no taste for younger men, and Nabiki had on occasion claimed the same thing though on several occasions she'd proven age meant little if not nothing to her.
But whatever it was that drove her to actually sleep with the lost boy didn't matter because she apparently planned to marry him anyway so her soul would be safe-or at least as close to it as possible considering that Nabiki was a being of pure evil. Maybe Ryoga, with his honor and such would be a good influence on her . . .
Or maybe she'd make him just as evil and corrupt as she was . . . really it'd be worth watching,
Kasumi felt. What fun betting on the result would be.
Kasumi decided to make lunch, however she realized she was out of a few spices, salt, pepper, and curry powder-not that she planned to use the salt and pepper of course.
But she needed curry powder . . . she couldn't leave Nabiki and Ryoga alone . . . she might come
back an auntie.
'I will just have to take one of them with me.' Kasumi reasoned.
She was about to go get one of them when the doorbell rang and so she went to answer it. There was Hand Lotion looking dejected with a pair of suitcases and a sign on her neck.
"Ask Me About My Vow of Silence" the sign read.
"Oh! Hello Hand Lotion!"
"Yahg." The Amazon shrugged.
"Won't you come in?" Kasumi offered.
"Eh."
"What's the matter?"
Hand Lotion took out a small notepad and wrote something on it, she handed it to Kasumi.
"I forgot why, but for some reason I've refused to speak to anyone." The note read.
Kasumi frowned. "Umm . . . okay."
Lotion wrote another note. Kasumi read it.
"I plan to go back to China, I bid you farewell, I shall not return until I have become a true fighter."
"Oh-ho. Okay." Kasumi said, trying to think of a nice way to say 'I don't care'
Lotion handed her another note.
Kasumi looked at it, it was just a bunch of scribbles and lines and such. "What is this?" She asked.
Lotion wrote *another* note and handed it to Kasumi. Kasumi read, "It is the recipe to Marshion Cookies, I thought you might want it."
"But I can't read it!" Kasumi cried. Lotion flipped it upside down impatiently. "Oooooh. Okay, thanks!" Kasumi said, doubting she'd actually use it. "We'll eh . . . miss you?"
Lotion bowed and then walked off. Kasumi scratched her head. "What was I doing? Oh right, I was going to the market. Wasn't I going to take some one with me?" She blinked. Akane and Ranma arrived home at just that moment.
"Oh! Ranma! Akane! Would one of you like to come to the market with me?"
"Do I have to?" Ranma asked.
"It's okay Ranma, I'll go!" Akane scowled at Ranma.
"Great!" Ranma said. "Weeks of our Lives is on!" He ran inside, then suddenly came out and glared at Akane. "Hey! This is one of those things where you say it's okay, but you're secretly going to make me pay for it later, isn't it?"
"I don't know what you're talking about." Akane glared back at him.
Kasumi blinked. "Umm . . . okay . . . we can all go." She offered.
"I think that would be best." Akane glared.
"Fine then!" Ranma growled.
Kasumi scratched her head. She was almost certain she was supposed to be asking some one *else* to come . . . who? She looked at the little piece of paper in her hand, "Oh! That's right!"
She said, she was supposed to get Hand Lotion to come with her to the market, how silly of her to forget.
"Lets go then!" Kasumi said, and she, Akane, and Ranma set off to find Hand Lotion then visit the market.
Leaving Nabiki and Ryoga all alone . . . in the house . . . by themselves . . . and stuff.
As fate would have it-and Fate decided it would-Nabiki chose just that moment to look out her window, Ryoga mused, watching her curious activities as she suddenly ran through the whole house asking if anyone was home, then going around a locking every door and window she rushed back up and grinned wickedly at Ryoga.
"Wow . . ." he said. He looked at his imaginary watch, "What took you so long? That was all of ten seconds." He said.
"Silence!" She cried, "We're home alone!"
"I see . . . and?"
"And . . . do I really have to tell you?" Nabiki blinked.
"Yes, that might help." Ryoga shrugged.
"You're hopeless!" Nabiki moaned. "Don't make me say it!"
"Well then how will I know?"
"Oh you're so cruel!"
"Maybe you think I'm joking and I know what it is you're talking about and I'm making you say it because it thrills me to see you get on your hands and knees and beg me-" Ryoga said, Nabiki nodded vigorously! "-but that isn't the case, I honestly don't know what you want from me."
"Gah!" Nabiki moaned. "I'm engaged to a fool!"
"You mean you didn't already know that?" Ryoga raised an eyebrow.
Nabiki glared at him, then conceded, "Okay I did. But I'd hoped you might have instincts or something!"
"Let me try and figure out what you want then . . . " Ryoga let the wheels in his head turn for a moment . . . he took another moment when he still hadn't figured it out after the first. Nabiki was about to tell him, he held up a hand. "Wait, I've got it." He assured her.
He thought for a moment more . . . Nabiki glared at him and finally just took her shirt off.
"Oh! *That's* what you meant!" Ryoga nodded. "Gotcha. Yeah, it is pretty hot in here. Lets go to the park." Nabiki glared at him, "What? I'm kidding! I'm kidding! I know what you really want you sick sex-obsessed creature."
"Are you sure?"
"Sort'a."
"I don't need to take the rest of my cloths off before you figure it out?" Nabiki demanded.
"Well you're going to do it anyway aren't you?" Ryoga asked.
"I . . . well yeah." Nabiki admitted.
"Then it's a failsafe, if I haven't figured it out by now, I will when you finish undressing. Now go at it, I'll go make a sandwich and be back here in-"
"Five days!" Nabiki snapped.
"If you insist."
"Ryoga!" Nabiki whined. "I thought you loved me!"
"I do." Ryoga nodded. "I thought you said 'Thursdays'."
"I did." Nabiki admitted. "But we missed it because you wanted to play Risky!"
"That's it!" Ryoga said. "I know how we can do this!"
"Well yeah, so do I, I was watching porn with Kasumi and got all these neat ideas." Nabiki said.
"No not that!" Ryoga said, " I meant we . . . whoa, whoa, did you just say you and Kasumi were watching porn together?"
"In our underwear." Nabiki nodded.
"You're lying!" Ryoga tried not to imagine his fiancée and his future sister-in-law watching porn together in their underwear because then he'd imagine them watching porn *together* in their underwear. "I meant I know how we can decide if we have sex or not."
"Look Ryoga, if you really don't want to-"
"Eh? I thought it was you who didn't want to!" Ryoga said.
Nabiki glared at him. "And how did you come to *that* conclusion?"
Ryoga had to think about that one for a few moments, finally he admitted she'd confused him.
"Can't you just say what you mean? I'm not Kinnosuke, now you have me *wanting* a little puppet to ask advice from, or at least a magic 8-ball. I'm only a little smarter than Kuno y'know!"
"Until recently I'd have argued that you're smarter than you think, but jeez Ryoga, you've proven me wrong." She shook her head. "Your head is completely empty."
"There are cobwebs." Ryoga offered.
"Cobwebs I grant you."
"And a mouse running on a wheel?"
"A wheel perhaps, but I think your mouse died." Nabiki said.
"Aww . . ." Ryoga pouted. "I liked the mouse."
Nabiki sighed and just shoved Ryoga onto her bed. "No more talk." She informed him, pressing her lips against his.
"I'm home!" Soun cried from downstairs.
"No!" Nabiki moaned. "NNNOOOO!" She looked like she might cry, she pinched Ryoga's shoulder, "You took too long!"
"What? Kasumi barely left! It's been a minute, two tops!" Ryoga protested.
"If you hadn't spent so much time *thinking* then we could have had sex twice!"
"Well yeah I guess, considering how fast you-Ouch! Would you just put your shirt on?"
Nabiki pulled her shirt over her head just as Soun walked in. "And what are you two doing?" He asked.
"How'd you get in?" Nabiki asked. "I-eh I mean Kasumi told me to lock all the doors!"
"Uh . . . we still have a hole in our wall . . ."
"It isn't fixed?" Nabiki yelped.
"The wall is fixed, we just still have a hole. Thinking of making it a side door." Soun shrugged.
"You two weren't doing anything *wrong* were you?"
"We would if you'd give us the chance!" Nabiki moaned.
Soun shook his head. "Now now, once you're married you can do whatever you like. Speaking of which, when were you planning on actually getting married?"
"Eh . . . well . . ." Nabiki looked at Ryoga.
Ryoga shrugged. "I eh . . . would have to contact my parents . . . that could take a few minutes or a few months. They'd have to meet you, getting them here would take-again-a few months if we want to be optimistic."
"We have to inform the entire Tendo clan." Soun nodded.
"Eh . . . daddy, we *are* the entire Tendo clan." Nabiki observed.
"You've got aunts and uncles that'd love to know you're getting married."
"No! Not auntie Ikuyo! I don't want her anywhere *near* Ryoga!" Nabiki freaked out, Ryoga looked at her in confusion.
"Why not?"
"Er . . . it's best if we don't tell you." Soun said. "What about auntie Misako?"
"You keep her and her freak of a son away from me or I'll disown you, daddy!"
"Right . . . er . . . you really don't like our relatives much, do you?"
"No, just those ones."
"Okay, what about Uncle Miyagi?"
"Him too."
"Auntie Koshi?"
"Her too."
"Uncle Sano?"
"There is no Uncle Sano."
"Just seeing if you're paying attention." Soun shook his head. "Ryoga, you don't hate your family do you?"
"I don't really know them well enough." Ryoga admitted.
"Well at least it'll be a small wedding." Soun said. "And to think I had such plans. I promised your mother that I'd make sure my three girls had weddings they'd never forget. If you want it to be small then I'll personally have to do something to make it unforgettable."
"If you're going to run around drunk and naked screaming about spiders then just invite everyone." Nabiki scowled.
"How did you know that was what I was going to do?" Soun asked seriously.
Nabiki blinked. Her jaw dropped and she gave her father a look of pure horror. "I didn't! You wouldn't! You're joking!" She yelped.
"Eh . . . yes. Yes I was." Not even Akane would be stupid enough not to tell he was lying. "Well *son*," Soun said, throwing his arm around Ryoga's shoulders, "let's get to work, we've got to track down your parents and introduce them to your bride."
"Can't Ryoga stay here?" Nabiki asked. "You can track down his parents and then have a nice long discussion about . . . well . . . something. Talk about parenting, or how honored you are to have their son marrying your favorite daughter."
"You're marrying Kasumi too!?" Soun cried.
"Daddy!" Nabiki cried, Ryoga was confused now. "I meant me!"
"Oh right. Well I can talk to them I suppose, but how would I know what they look like?" Soun asked.
"Ryoga! Give him a picture!" Nabiki commanded.
"I would if I had one." Ryoga shrugged. "Guess I have to go."
"Well then I'm going too. To make sure you don't get lost." Nabiki informed him.
"Okay." Ryoga shrugged.
"Then . . . we're off." Soun said excitedly. He left a note for Kasumi . . .
Not so long after they left a vengeful panda and his suspiciously young looking wife showed up at the Tendo training hall.
"You know, when you said we'd look for my parents," Ryoga said, "I thought you meant to do it by putting out an add in the paper, or perhaps hiring a private investigator. I didn't think we'd actually *look* for them." Ryoga said. "I really don't even know if they're in this country, let alone this town."
"Nonsense, you come here often enough." Soun said.
"Yes, but-"
"Well then I'm sure we'll find them." Soun Tendo said simply.
"It's getting late, isn't it?" Nabiki observed.
"Well . . . yes." Soun said. "No matter, there was a motel five miles back, we can camp there if we don't get home before sunset . . . hey, where did they go?" Soun scratched his head. All he saw was a dust cloud as if someone were running very fast towards said motel . . . "By motel I meant to say cat house!"
The dust cloud paused, then reversed direction, in an instant Soun could see Nabiki stomping back reluctantly, holding Ryoga by the his bandanna.
"Alas, my poor desperate daughter. At least you came to your senses." Soun shook his head.
"No she didn't!" Ryoga cried.
"Yeah, I was going to keep going, but then I thought about it . . . I just don't want to have to compete with professionals." Nabiki growled.
"Aha. Well, sucks to be you." Soun said, "Alright . . . I'm not rightly sure where we are."
"NO!" Nabiki moaned. "Daddy, tell me that Ryoga just threw his voice!"
"If that makes you feel any better . . ." Soun said. "Anyway, I guess we should just head home."
"But you don't know where we are!" Ryoga yelped.
"Now I know why Kasumi has a 'happy place', I really wish I had one . . ." Nabiki sighed.
"Children, children!" Soun chuckled. "Ryoga, my poor idiot son-in-law, the one thing you never understood about being lost is that it's optional."
"Eh?"
"TAXI!" Soun shouted. As if on cue a dozen big yellow cabs appeared . . . and not a single one stopped. "Yes . . . well it takes a while." Soun sighed. He whistled, "TAXI!" He shouted, more cabs, not one stopped.
"Ryoga-baby, go stand in the road." Nabiki instructed, Ryoga looked at her as if she were insane.
Soun nodded vigorously. "Yes! Yes, go do that!"
Ryoga gave them a look that read 'why does god hate me?' and stood in the middle of the road.
"TAXI!" Soun shouted, three cabs drove up, one swerved out of the way of Ryoga and crashed, one tried to stop and spun out of control hitting an oil truck, and the third was brought to a screeching halt partially by Ryoga who'd put his hands out to keep from being squashed like a bug.
"Where to Mac?" The cab driver said, as if it were so normal.
"Aha, the Tendo Training Hall in Nerima." Soun said.
"So this is the Taxi . . . I've heard so much of them, never before have I seen one." Ryoga said.
"Liar." Nabiki scoffed. "Get in already!"
"Will it hurt?" Ryoga asked.
"Not as much as you'll hurt if you make us wait." Soun warned.
"I started running the meter five minutes ago." The cab driver added.
"But you've just picked us up now!" Ryoga cried.
"Heh-heh . . . yeah." The cab driver smiled dumbly.
Kasumi, Ranma, Akane and Lotion got home, Lotion was still silent, but she'd started writing notes just about as often as she normally spoke. Unfortunately she'd gone through three note pads and the only truly important thing she'd said was asking where "worthless male slave with the bandanna" and Nabiki were. That's when Kasumi remembered she was supposed to be at home to prevent the premature conception of her niece or nephew.
But no one was home. She found a crumpled up note in the garbage with panda prints all over it, she couldn't make out what it said, just that it had something to do with Ryoga, father, and a search.
Imagine Kasumi's surprise when the doorbell rang and it *wasn't* father and Ryoga with the object of their search, but the object of their search on it's own.
There stood a slightly fat man with thin glasses, wearing a yellow and black bandanna like Ryoga's on his head. He wore the same yellow-green shirt as Ryoga, and the same green pants, same shoes even. His counterpart, who looked too young to rightly be his wife but probably was anyway, wore a more feminine version of the shirt, it came down to her knees and was tied at the waist making it into a skirt. She wore the bandanna around her neck, just like Nabiki. Both had large umbrellas that resembled Ryoga's, and enormous backpacks.
"Hello!" The man said, his voice obviously disguised, "We're here to see our son."
"Hiya pop!" Ranma called, "Why're you dressed up like Ryoga?"
"Y-you must be mistaken." The man chuckled. "I'm eh . . . not your father, insolent fool boy. I am . . . Genma-er Genoga Hibiki, this is my wife Nodoga Hibiki. We're here to see our son . . .
Ryoga."
"Yes, we're answering an add in the paper, it says here that Soun Tendo seeks parents of his soon to be son-in-law."
"This news paper looks like it was printed off a computer, pop." Ranma raised an eyebrow.
"Again you call me father, what a strange, INSANE boy you are." Genma-er Genoga said.
"It's such a pleasure to meet you!" Akane cried, shaking the False Hibiki's hands, "You know *I* was the first to know about your son and my sister, yep, I could tell from the first day Ryoga showed up here that he wanted my sister!"
"That aint true, in fact she's around so rarely I don't think he even met Nabiki until he'd been here for a few days," Ranma said, "and even then he just sort of grunted and she nodded in dismissive manner."
Akane glared at Ranma.
"Well, you two should come in." Kasumi said, not wanting to keep their guests waiting outside. Of course they *looked* like Genma and Nodoka, but those two were away on a boat cruise for a few days yet. Besides, Ryoga looked sort of like Ranma, if those theories on genes and DNA were correct then it made sense that Ryoga's parents would resemble Ranma's parents . . . wait . . . was that right? Kasumi wasn't sure anymore. Who the heck were these people?"
"Didja know your son turns into a little black piglet when you pour cold water on him?" Akane asked.
"Maybe he didn't want them to know that!" Kasumi cried.
"Oh we already knew all about it, Akane." Genoga said.
"Yes, don't be silly Akane, we knew that, we watch TV too."
"Aha yes, that pet competition . . . so tragic."
"Eh . . . how did you know my name was Akane?"
"You eh . . . er . . . told us?"
"No I didn't."
"Well Ryoga told us. In his letters . . . yes that's it."
"How did you know it was her?" Ranma sneered.
"Er . . ."
"Give up the act old man!" Ranma cried, lunging for Genoga with a bucket of cold water.
"You see we knew that no one could be so adorable and cute as to fit his description except this fine young girl." Nodoga offered.
"Wow!" Akane blushed. Kasumi rolled her eyes. While that did sort of sound like something Ryoga would write these two were awfully fishy. "I'm so flattered!" Akane said, trying to hide her red face.
"You're insultin' our intelligence pop . . . those of us that have intelligence anyway." Ranma scowled.
"Again, idiot boy, I am not your father."
"You know Ranma, not everything is about you." Akane scowled.
"Are you sure? Until last month everything always *was* about me." Ranma pointed out.
"He has a point." Kasumi added.
"Well . . . well this isn't!" Akane cried. "This is about my sister and her boyfriend and-"
"Look, I've seen Ryoga's parents and they aint it." Ranma scowled.
"You saw Ryoga's parents?" Kasumi asked.
"Eh . . . yeah. Yeah I'm . . . pretty sure." Ranma said.
"Hah! Pretty sure? Not good enough!"
"Oh yeah?" Ranma got a crafty look in his eyes. "We'll just see about that. You fat freak!"
"Don't speak to your father that way!" Nodoga(?) cried. Genoga glared at her, she bowed her head in apology. "I am sorry. I have failed. I shall commit Seppuku then."
"That's her answer for everything." Kasumi frowned, she took Nodoka's katana away and watched her aunt try to murder herself with the umbrella. "And father wants to unite our families through marriage . . ." Kasumi sighed. "I now appreciate Akane's sacrifice more than ever."
"Sacrifice?" Ranma cried. "What'cha mean 'sacrifice'?" He phased out and drooled for a moment, then snapped back, "She aint made no sacrifice! I'm the one making the sacrifice, marrying a sexless tomboy like her!"
"Sexless? Look who's talking!" Akane cried, throwing a glass of water at Ranma, it connected, hitting Ranko right between the eyes. "How can you be so rude to Ryoga's parents?"
"Akane, you really are thick as a brick!" Ranma yelped in shock. He grabbed a glass and tossed it in Genma's face!
There was a flash of movement, the water never touched Genma, but he was soaked with sweat. Nodoka swallowed the mass of water and sighed. "I learned a new talent on vacation!"
"What talent?" Kasumi asked.
"I can catch delicious liquids in my mouth before they hit my face." Nodoka said, "I've toned it into a reflex, I only had to put my face in front of my husband's."
"T-thank you." Genma gasped.
"Wait . . . why would you need to catch liquids headed fer yer face . . in yer mouth . . . AAAAHHHHHH!" Ranko screamed and curled into a ball, sucking her thumb and crying.
"The image too much for you boy?" Genma sneered.
"I'm so sorry for his rude behavior." Akane said.
"Oh give it up Akane!" Kasumi cried. "You two, why are you dressed up like that?"
"Well . . ." Genma sighed. "When I found out your father slept with my wife-"
"Honestly, we were drunk, we didn't know what we were doing, and besides-"
"No 'besides'! I don't want to hear the 'besides'!" Genma cried. "Anyway, I decided I'd murder him in cold blood, but he'd expect it if he saw me back early, so I decided to pose as Ryoga's father. I knew I should have bought a wig, but these fake fangs were uncomfortable enough."
"Yes . . ." Nodoka sighed, "But I'm going to wear them the next time I give a-"
"AAAAHHHHHH!!!" Ranko moaned.
"-That'll make it even more fun!" Nodoka cried.
"But . . . but why would dad sleep with Ryoga's mom? That makes Ryoga and Nabiki like . . . brother and sister!"
"Oh for crying out loud!" Genma tore the bandanna off and took the false teeth out, "It's me and your auntie Nodoka!"
Akane stared for a moment. "Dad slept with Ranma's mom?"
"Yes. It was wonderful." Nodoka glowed.
"But . . . but that makes me and Ranma like brother and sister!"
"Only if Genma dies in a airplane crash and I marry your father." Nodoka nodded.
"B-but . . . but . . . ewe!"
"Don't worry, I decided not to sabotage the plane unless Nabiki agreed to help . . . so I'd have a patsy. Oh, by the way, do you girls like Japan?"
"Extremely." Kasumi nodded.
"Because if we moved to Hawaii we could all be very happy. We'd air lift our houses to Hawaii, build Saotome-Tendo town, set our homes up right next to each other with a third smaller house for Ranma and Akane . . . and I'd spend all day in my underwear trying to entice your father over-"
"See what I'm dealing with? This has driven me to wanting to kill my lifelong friend!" Genma cried.
"I must admit, she is acting rather strangely."
"No I'm not, I'm just horny." Nodoka shrugged. She fell to her knees. "I'm almost forty-"
"Eh, dear-" Genma tried to interrupt.
"I said I'm *almost* forty!" Nodoka repeated, "I'm getting old, I just wanted to feel sexy!"
"So sleeping with my best friend and a helicopter pilot helped you do that?" Akane asked.
"And the zoo keepers, and the ice cream man, then there was that boy on the bike, the tales of teenage stamina are grossly exaggerated-or maybe it was because of his ten mile ride, I'm not sure-those two homeless people in the park, the ship's captain, first mate, ahh heck, half the crew actually."
"Oh my god!" Genma cried.
Ranma was weeping now.
"Oh! And then there was that couple on the cruise ship, those strangers in that bar, that guy who asked me if I could take a picture of him, with his wife and his children, that woman with male . . . eh . . . body parts, cant forget that. Oh! And . . . well you know those fighter pilots that thought our helicopter was a hostile aircraft? Well I told them to meet me at ten."
Genma fell face forward, Ranko was singing something *loudly* with her fingers in her ears,
Akane was a frozen statue of shock, Kasumi just scoffed.
"That's disgusting!" She said at last. "I can understand your need to feel special, but you have a husband who loves you, and a son who until now seemed to think you were a virgin, and of course don't forget that the vengeful spirit of our mother will haunt you endlessly-if such things truly exist."
"Yes . . . the price was great, actually I am haunted by quite a few people now. I've slept with a lot of people with dead lovers or parents that feel it's wrong of me to damn people's souls by getting them to commit adultery. I've gotten used to it."
"Really?" Kasumi blinked.
"No. Do I look like the sort of person who believes in ghosts?"
"Oh . . ."
Just then the doors opened, Nabiki walked in, she looked around, looked at Genma, wearing Ryoga's cloths, and Nodoka who still hadn't changed out of her costume. "Laundry day?" She asked, she didn't bother to inquire about why they were home early, she probably didn't care.
Ryoga came in next. He blinked. "M-mom! D-dad! You're here!" He ran up to them and hugged them. "Hey . . . wait a minute . . . you're not my mom and dad!"
"Can't you tell them by site?" Nabiki blinked.
"You mean you don't recognize us?" Genma gasped, Kasumi glared at him. "Okay, fine then,
we're not."
Nodoka didn't let Ryoga go, she squeezed him tight, then saw Nabiki's neutral face become a deadly glare, she released the boy quickly but handed him a small peace of paper.
"Ten forty five." She whispered.
"What?" Ryoga looked at the paper in confusion, Genma moaned.
Kasumi snatched the paper away. "You're not corrupting my future-brother-in-law!"
"Nonsense I wouldn't even suggest it." She said. "I mean, after all, Ranma is my son."
"I meant my other future-brother-in-law." Kasumi clarified.
"Oh . . . what?" Nodoka looked at Ryoga, then Nabiki. "AHH! You really did get her pregnant?"
"No." Nabiki said.
"Oh . . . why the heck are you marrying him then?" Nodoka asked. She put one hand on the boy's shoulder, the other she forced him to turn his face to Nabiki. "He's cute, but not your type, he isn't a money making machine and he certainly isn't smart enough for you!"
"Hey!" Ryoga cried.
"But he knows colors . . . he's almost strong enough to kick Ranma's butt if I ever tell him too, he'd come in handy if I ever need to have burglars extracted from our home-assuming he's home to do it-and most importantly in any marriage," Nabiki looked around the room and grinned.
"Well he's actually rather good in bed. If he were a sandwich he'd be . . . turkey, it's great but it'll put you to sleep. Some day I'll turn him into a hamburger, greasy, beefy, and loaded with secret sauce." Nabiki said, this was the wrong thing to say for many reasons. For one, it obviously sparked Nodoka's interest because she was massaging Ryoga's shoulder now, then again father had just finished paying the cab driver and was standing right behind Nabiki.
"W-what did you s-say?" Soun demanded, his head was giant and scary now, steam came out of his nose and ears.
There was no way Nabiki would talk her way out of this! Kasumi watched with a mixture of sympathy and eagerness, expecting her sister to receive her first real scolding in years!
"You slept with Ryoga? I'll tar and feather you both, I'll cut out that pleasure giving tongue Ryoga, I'll boil you in oil, pack your bags Nabiki, you're going to be sent to a convent, as for you Ryoga, well I'm going to castrate you!"
"Oh don't! Not yet . . . wait until eleven o'clock." Nodoka pleaded.
"Why does everyone want to castrate me?" Ryoga yelped.
Oh Nabiki would never talk her way out of this! She was doomed! Ryoga was doomed!
Lotion-who hadn't spoken at all and thus made it easy to forget of her existence-wrote a note to Soun and handed him an evil looking knife.
"Castrating knife?" Soun read the note. "Excellent! Now I don't have to buy one!" He glared at Ryoga.
"Daddy." Nabiki said. "Sit."
Soun dropped the knife, and sat down at the table. Nabiki gave him a cigarette. "Hmm . . . well maybe it's not so bad, you two are engaged anyway right? There's no problem."
"Oh my god!" Kasumi shouted. "No! No! That did not just happen! How did that happen? How did that happen!? I mean come on! Come on! Come on!"
"Relax Kasumi." Nabiki said.
"No! No you always do this! You always talk your way out of these things! And this time you did it with just two words! I almost expect you to announce that you're the head of all crime in Nerima, and see dad just shrug and say 'okay'! It isn't right! You should be punished. I think I'm going to have to take matters into my own hands."
"What?"
"As the only mother figure in this family, and apparently the only parent who wont back down from a 'sit' command, I will deal the punishment."
"Oh fine." Nabiki glared.
"Young lady . . . you will . . . you will not have sex with Ryoga again, until you are both over eighteen."
"You expect me to just agree?"
"That or Lotion castrates him."
Lotion held the knife, looked at Ryoga and sighed. She passed Kasumi a note that said "I don't actually know what 'castrate' means, I just had a knife labeled for that purpose when I bought the kit."
Nabiki glared. "I refuse to speak to you anymore. But everyone else, my sister Kasumi sucks."
"Really? Me too!" Nodoka cried.
Everyone stared.
"What?" Nodoka asked. "What?"
"Oh yeah . . ." Genma said, "Tendo! How DARE you sleep with my wife!" He leapt at Soun and the two went into death rolls, they'd be at it for a while.
"Well . . . it's almost ten." Nodoka said. "I must prepare a bed. Kasumi, I'm afraid you'll have several sheets to wash tomorrow."
Kasumi glared at Nodoka. "I'm not washing your sex-waste off anything, you do it yourself."
"Oh fiddlesticks."
"Mom! D-don't do it! If you need to feel special, go and win the Olympics or something!"
"Oh son-eh daughter-er son, winning the Olympics would be a very manly thing to do, but it wont work for me. Besides, you all seem to forget, I don't want to feel special, I want to feel sexy. Say, do you think my breasts are a nice size? Should I have implants?"
"You're asking ME?" Ranma cried.
"Well you're a girl now, so surely you know if these are an appropriate size."
"If you want to feel sexy, you need implants." Nabiki said. "Doubling the size wont be enough either, we're talking touch the floor, hooker sized hooters."
"Y-yeah. Akari said y-you know an awful lot about that." Ryoga pointed out.
Kasumi blinked, did that mean what she thought it meant? Nabiki's breasts were impressive, but not exactly implant size, but then Kasumi hadn't paid much attention to her sister's breasts, Nabiki *had* been rather shy about her development . . . when it was over though they'd had to lock her up at night like a cat in heat.
Nabiki glared, she grabbed Ryoga's hand, "Does *this* feel like an implant to you?" She
demanded, holding his hand to her breast.
"I-I-I w-w-w-wouldn't kn-kn-know!" Ryoga cried.
"Nabiki!" Nodoka cried.
"Nabiki!" Akane gasped.
"Nabiki!" Kasumi cried.
"I was going to do that!" Nodoka said angrily.
"Neither of you is supposed to do that, he's just a poor innocent creature!" Kasumi said.
"We're not having sex! You can't do anything! Nyah!" Nabiki sneered.
"I thought you two slept together, why did he just faint?" Nodoka asked.
"Hmm? Oh he's a wuss." Nabiki said simply.
Kasumi shook her head. "This is the strangest family in the world."
"And just think, soon it'll be even bigger!" Akane squeaked. "Once Ryoga and Nabiki's baby is born!"
"I'm not pregnant!" Nabiki cried.
"But you will be." Akane grinned.
"Not for another year."
"Two years, I said you weren't having sex until you're *both* over eighteen."
"I'm seventeen!" Nabiki scowled.
"He's sixteen."
"Darn!" She glared at Ryoga, but he was unconscious. "Could we have sex on birthdays?"
"His eighteenth birthday, sure."
"What about Christmas?"
"Christmas in two years? Of course."
Nabiki looked sad now. "Thursdays?" she asked, choking back crocodile tears.
"No Thursdays." Kasumi said solemnly.
"You hear that? No Thursdays! My evil sister is just too cruel!" Nabiki wept, but even Akane could tell they were fake tears.
"You know, this reminds me of the time we decided to teach Kasumi not to smoke . . ." Soun said to Genma, the two paused their fight to reminisce.
"Ah yes, we found her pretending to smoke so you decided to teach her a lesson." Genma nodded.
"How'd you do that?" Akane asked.
"Yes, how did you do that?" Kasumi demanded, because she had no memory of this.
"We made her smoke a whole carton of cigarettes." Soun coughed. "I er . . . you were five at the time, the eh . . . the neighbors didn't think it to be very good parenting."
"Why don't I remember this?" Kausmi cried.
"I expect you repressed the memory because you had to go the hospital afterwards."
"What kind of father are you?!" Kasumi cried.
"The best you'll ever have!" Soun cried. "Anyway it worked, you never smoked again, in fact after the accompanying lecture you never wanted to do anything immoral again . . . that's why you're a nineteen year old girl who takes care of her worthless father and her self-centered sisters as if she were twice her age."
"Self-centered?" Akane cried.
"Wait a moment, you expect us to make Nabiki smoke a carton of cigarettes?" Nodoka asked.
"Of course not, of all the people in this house she'd probably enjoy it!" Soun scoffed.
"I would?" Nabiki blinked.
"What? No. No, smoking is bad, you don't ever want to smoke." Soun said, lighting another cigarette. "Very bad, tastes like tar, and your mouth will be like an ash tray, Ryoga wont want to kiss you anymore."
"So I'd train him by making him eat an ashtray breakfast, lunch and dinner. Bring on the carton!" Nabiki announced.
"Eh . . . no that's not what we're going to do. You're going to go have sex with Ryoga . . . oh lets say five times a day for a week. After that you two wont even want to look at each other." Soun said, pleased with himself.
Nabiki blinked. Then she hugged Soun, "Oh thank you daddy! You're so smart! I like you're punishment so much more than Kasumi's mean punish-eh I mean Oh no! Not that!"
"No . . . no she'd *really* enjoy that." Nodoka sighed. "Better to make it a violent, unpleasant experience. I'd say make it five boys with five more coming in to take over every ten minutes, until she's screwed to exhaustion, and hopefully she wont end up with any STDs."
"WHAT!?!" Nabiki screamed.
"Don't worry, I'll switch places with you before it starts." Nodoka whispered.
"No . . . no that's a bit extreme, I don't want to hurt my daughters."
"Why was I in the-hey! I remember, I coughed up a lung!" Kasumi cried.
"I think we'll just have her have sex with Ryoga, and then lecture them thoroughly."
"Right . . . we should get to work on that." Nabiki said, she shook Ryoga awake. "Wake up! We're gonna go screw around now!"
He came around, and looked really confused. Just then, as Nabiki was about to lead him off and Kasumi was lecturing Soun as she'd never lectured before the door bell rang, Kasumi went to open it and a pair draped in shadow was the sight that greeted her.
"Hello, we're here about our son, Ryoga." One of them said.
Kasumi's eyes narrowed. "You have got to be kidding."
"No, we're quite serious." The other said. "You see we were in the neighborhood and we were told our son often comes here, and that he'd been here very often lately, we felt this would be a good chance to come and meet with him, and perhaps catch up on all the things that have
happened since we were last together."
Kasumi repeated, "You have got to be kidding."
To Be Continued . . .
Next Chapter . . .
"So son, you didn't introduce us to Nabiki, which one is she? The one with the sword? She seems a bit old for you, but then-" Ryoga's father was saying.
"I'm Nabiki." Nabiki said calmly.
Ryoga's mother forced a smile. "I was afraid of that."
"What's that supposed to mean?" Nabiki growled.