Charlotte's Web
Chapter 28
Will it Ever End?
"Stupid Koruda school!" Genma scowled.
"Too good to accept our challenge!?" Soun cried.
"Too good fer us eh?" Ranma sneered.
"I really don't think this is the place." Ryoga tried, no one listened.
"Listen you guys, I don't know who you think you are, but-" a man tried, the 1/2 would have none of his logical talk!
"I am Soun Tendo of the Tendo Training Hall, I've come to declare battle upon your house, and wage violent war on you and your people!"
"Look sir, this is a school, a *school* and I'm a lowly janitor, you and your friends are scaring the students, please just leave."
"I know it's a school! It's the Koruda school of combat, is it not!?" Soun demanded.
Ryoga sighed. Soun was being difficult, and Ranma was just egging them on. "C'mon pop, you gonna take that from him? Take a swing, you can take him!"
"Yes, I can!" Genma growled.
"I have a great idea!" Ryoga said. "Let's hit the bar!"
"The what?" Soun, Genma, and father cried. "To the bar!" They said in one voice.
Ranma laughed like an idiot, Ryoga smacked him and tried to apologize to the janitor who was now wielding a mop threateningly. Not wanting to get wet, Ryoga followed the group as they left the playground of confused, scared kindergartners.
"Nabiki, I love you," Ryoga said, holding her close. "But . . . I have a confession to make."
"I knew you were gay!" Nabiki cried.
"What?"
"Nothing. You were saying?"
"Eh . . . right. Well though you were my first lover you were not my only one."
"Explain to me how that works." She said coldly.
He shoved her away and grabbed at his chest as if it were about to explode. "Nabiki . . . I've been sleeping with your sister!"
"W-which one?" Nabiki blinked.
"Both of them." Ryoga shrugged.
Nabiki gasped. "Oh yeah? W-well I'm sleeping with Ranma!"
Ryoga shrugged. "Yeah? Me too."
Nabiki blinked.
"And, I've been sleeping with Nodoka too." Ryoga added.
"Nodoka? That tart!"
"I'm also sleeping with Shampoo."
"B-But she doesn't love you!" Nabiki screamed. Ryoga just shrugged, so she screamed some more.
And Nabiki screamed some more until her teacher prodded her with a yardstick. "Ahh!" She sat up and looked around. Just a dream. Thank heavens.
She was at school-what was left of it-since the building was destroyed, outdoor classes had been arranged, she'd fallen asleep under a comfortable tree, it was missing a branch from one of dozens of fights between Ryoga and Ranma. All that seemed to have happened years ago.
She sighed, her teacher lectured her for a while, and she ignored it. Finally the bell rang and she grabbed her things and left. She rushed home to be sure that no billionaire's daughter had stolen her fiancee.
When she got home she found Kasumi cleaning house like she did every day, she looked around though and found no sign of Ryoga.
Too her great displeasure she did find Ryoga's mother sitting in her bedroom reading one of her comic books. "Where is everyone?" She asked the older woman.
"Hmm? Your father, Saotome, and my husband got very drunk. They then decided to take the boys and throw eggs at the Koruda school of combat, Kasumi threw a fit, she seems to be lacking sleep, I offered to help with the chores but she insisted she do them alone. She would make such a fine wife for Ryoga."
'That dream had better not have been an omen!' Nabiki thought. She glared at her future mother-in-law. "What'cha reading?"
"Just some of your pornography."
"What? I don't have anything like that!" Nabiki scoffed.
"I was gauging your reaction," Ryoga's mother said, holding up a copy of a comic whose star was-she was quite sure- a rip off of a foreign character, but never cared enough to research. "For a young lady so interested in money, you certainly don't take very good care of these. They might be worth something some day."
"I doubt it." Nabiki scoffed.
Ryoga's mother shrugged. "You know, I want what's best for my son-"
"Then leave him to me, I'll take better care of him than you have." Nabiki blurted.
Ryoga's mother scowled. "Oh sure you will. But not quite such good care as a billionaire's daughter would."
"Listen, I don't know what I did to make you dislike me-"
"You dress like a whore."
"Those were . . . eh . . . just pajamas!"
"You're dressed like a whore right now."
"It's a school uniform!" Nabiki cried. "Anyway, I just want you to know that no matter how hard you try to separate me and Ryoga, it wont work! I love him, really love him, you can't change that."
"I cant . . . but perhaps five hundred thousand yen might."
Nabiki raised an eyebrow.
"Five hundred thousand yen and you break up with Ryoga permanently, you will not marry him, you will not sleep with him again, you will ignore him as if he were a fly on the wall."
Well gee, that sounded an awful lot like how she'd treated him before, when he was just another of Akane's silly suitors. Before she learned his secret, before she realized her feelings for him.
Before life became complicated.
It sounded like a good deal, after all, thanks to the distraction Ryoga provided she was behind on school work, and she still had college to look forward to, if ever she managed to bring her grades back up.
Not sleeping with him wouldn't change much, since she'd only done it once, and he was so reluctant to do it again. But still . . . she couldn't. She couldn't give him up, she loved him, she wanted him, she needed him like her lungs needed air, she . . . five hundred thousand yen?
She could return to her old life, and have five hundred thousand yen!
She glared at Ryoga's mother. "You vile temptress!" She hissed. "I . . . I cant take any money from you!"
"What about from Kotaro Harume?" She scoffed. Ryoga's mother chuckled. "He's on his way you know."
"What's that to me?" Nabiki scoffed. "So the rich man is coming, big deal. I love Ryoga, I wont be bought like the whore you only *think* I am."
"Perhaps. What about Ryoga?"
"What!?" Nabiki snapped.
"You'll see." Ryoga's mother smiled. She got up and strolled out of Nabiki's room, then shut herself in a closet. Nabiki snickered and decided to see if there was anything good on TV.
The door swung open a few moments later and in came Ryoga and Ranma, holding up Soun, Genma, and Ryoga's father, the three of whom looked plastered, and beaten badly. Ranma grunted as he dragged Genma, his old man had been packing in the snacks obviously!
"What happened?" Kasumi gasped. "Did the people of the Koruda School of Combat do this?"
"No! We never *found* the Koruda School," Ranma scowled, "We started throwing eggs at the police station!"
"You WHAT!" Nabiki shouted. She grabbed Ryoga, and shook him violently, he folded under her assault. "The police station? The police station! Are you out of your mind? Answer me!" Ryoga just stared at her blankly. "No! You're drunk too, aren't you?"
"N-no, just scared!" Ryoga said.
"How did you escape the police?" Ryoga's mother asked.
"Disguises." Ranma chuckled. "A little cold water for those of us with skills, and a quick run through a dress shop for those of us without."
"Oh my goodness." Kasumi sighed. "Why do they look so beat up?"
"Your dad and my pop got into a fight over mom again, and Ryoga's dad tried to break it up . . . he failed by the way."
"At least he didn't sit back and laugh! What sort of son are you!" Genma growled. Then squeaked. "I'm sorry boy, you know I really have a deep respect for the young man you've become. You might even say that-as a father to his son-I love-"
"Don't finish that sentence pop!" Ranma cried.
"Yyyoooouuuuu!" Genma slurred as he tried to remember how to stop speaking as to fulfill Ranma's request.
Ranma twisted and moaned.
"What are these skills you speak of? A disguising skill? How does it work?"
"A little cold water, and ya might say yer boy turns into a whole new man . . . or rather . . ."
"Oh shut up Ranma!" Nabiki scowled.
At about that time the door opened, and in came Akane, followed by a muscular, broad-shouldered man with a gold cane, a long beard, and shaggy eyebrows. Right behind him, a pink ninja, tall and slender, with a red scarf tied around his neck and covering his face, with bright pink lenses on the goggles that covered his eyes.
Goggles? On a ninja?
Whatever.
Ranma raised his eyebrows in confused salute to these two, and Akane introduced them.
"This is Mr. Harume, he's come to see the sites of Nerima, and wanted to start with the Tendo
Training Hall, isn't that neat? And this is his associate, he says we don't need to know his name, only his reputation."
"What's his reputation?" Ranma asked.
Akane made a grunting sound like "oreo" and shrugged.
Harume smiled and slapped his hands together. "So, which one of you is Ryoga?" He asked in a loud, booming voice.
"He is." Ryoga's mother pointed to her son who was still in the clutches of his murderous fiancée.
Ranma chuckled.
"Well come now madam, let the boy answer for himself. I need to know he's not mute."
"Not mute, but blind. He's very blind. Right Ryoga?" Nabiki said.
"Yep." Ryoga nodded.
"All the better to marry my daughter." Harume chuckled.
"Then . . . he's deaf." Nabiki scowled. "He can't hear a word."
"Nope. I have to read lips." Ryoga said.
"You idiot, how can you read lips if you're blind!" Nabiki demanded, shaking him.
"I forgot I was blind!" Ryoga protested.
"So soon?"
"Well you're shaking me too violently, you're lucky I don't forget my own name!"
Ranma laughed loudly until he could laugh no more, he ran out of breath and tried to laugh some more, in a moment, the pig-tailed boy was unconscious.
Ryoga blinked. "Wow . . . we killed Ranma!"
"I always thought it'd be harder." Nabiki admitted. "I kinda feel bad now . . ."
"It's okay, he has a pulse." Akane said. She sat down on top of him, and smiled. "Very comfortable."
"Well . . . anyway Ryoga my boy," Harume said, "Yoshimi has certainly missed you, why she's gone on safari in Africa twice in hopes of finding you."
"Why would she look there?" Ryoga blinked.
"Because I told her you might be there."
"Why did you tell her that?"
"Because I'd seen that neat-o movie, Congo, and I was hoping she'd come back with diamonds, you, or not at all."
"You took an American movie seriously?" Kasumi blinked.
"Well it *was* based on a book." Harume said, rolling his eyes at the ignorant girl. That slightly annoyed Nabiki.
"Quite true." Kasumi allowed. "Won't you have a seat?"
"No, no I don't think I will, you commoners tend to have seats made of wood, or plastic, some times even that thing cans are made out of-" Harume snapped his fingers over and over aging next to his ear, "aluminum I think it's called. No, unless you have the finest English oak, or the very best plastic with polyester seats, or seats made of gold, I am not interested."
"I'm sorry, our home must seem to have been struck by the worst of poverty to some one as used to comfortable living as you." Kasumi said, her eye twitching.
"Oh-hoh-hoh!" His laugh made everyone look around to see if Kodachi had come to pay a visit.
"No, not at all. I lived in a place like this once, you see a friend of mine bet me one hundred million pounds that I couldn't live like normal poor people for five minutes. It was hard, I had to spend a month bathing in money before it sunk in that I was still rich, but I won the bet, and the one hundred million pounds."
"British money?" Nabiki blinked.
"No, you silly silly creature, pounds of pork! I love pork! If I see a pig, I instinctively kill and cook it."
Ryoga jumped into Nabiki's arms, "Save me!" he cried, she glared at him for a moment, and benevolently decided not to throw him on the ground in exchange for all her troubles, sexual frustration and just because he was being ridiculous.
"What's his problem?" Ryoga's mother asked. "He likes pork too."
"Not anymore I don't!" Ryoga cried.
"But Ryoga, you eat pork all the time!" Kasumi said.
"Y-yes but I don't instinctively kill and cook pigs! What's going to happen if Akari shows up again with Katsunishiki?"
Nabiki thought about that, and all the ideas that popped into her head were good, some of them were even funny. What was Ryoga worried about? "Harume can handle the lawsuit, and Akari would finally have enough money to feed her piggies."
"What about P-Chan!?"
"Oh don't worry honey, P-Chan is too small to make a decent meal." Nabiki chuckled.
Harume scratched his head. "I'm terribly sorry for my bad manners, but who are you, peasant girl who holds my future son-in-law?"
Nabiki growled and dropped Ryoga. "I am Nabiki Tendo, soon to be Nabiki Hibiki!"
"So they're adopting you? Splendid! That means Yoshimi will have a sister-in-law! You know she's always wanted a sister, and you seem to be around her age, maybe just a little older, you're perfect, you're hired!" Harume clapped his hands.
Nabiki blinked and tried to figure out what had just happened. "They aren't adopting me, I'm marrying Ryoga!"
"Oh . . . Ryoga, you cant have two wives, you're not Chinese!" Harume said.
"What's that supposed to mean?" Cologne asked, coming from out of nowhere.
"Oh you know, how ancient Chinese kings would have their three to four wives from the day of their manhood, and gradually take on more and more."
"First of all it was only one or two wives-" Cologne growled, then coughed to herself (that were historically recorded) "and perhaps they had hundreds of concubines, but concubines were generally released from service after reaching a certain age, or married if they got pregnant."
"Right . . . well anyway Ryoga, you can't have two wives, and concubines are out of the question." Ryoga's father said.
"Really? It sounds perfect to me." Ryoga's mother said. "He could sleep with Yoshimi, and this girl together and marry whichever one conceives first."
"I'd take them up on that offer, either way you get two girls." Ryoga's father whispered.
"What if they both get pregnant?" Ryoga demanded.
Everyone had to think about that one, he made a very good point. Of course Nabiki wasn't thinking about what everyone else was thinking about. "I'm pregnant!" She blurted.
"Oh Nabiki, not this again-eh I mean, yes, yes she is." Kasumi said. "Perhaps you've noticed her waking up early and throwing up, her constant mood swings, the way she's constantly eating sweets and yet never gaining weight-"
"Actually I'd blame that on a tape worm," Ryoga's mother said.
"A what!" Nabiki screamed.
"One in four people has a tape worm inside them." Ryoga's mother said simply. She counted the people in the room. "There are likely two and one half tape worms in this room alone."
"I'd guess they're in Ranma and Ryoga, the way those two eat, Nabiki probably has the half-a-worm!" Akane said.
Kasumi cleared her throat, it was a soft sound that didn't really get anyone's attention, "Anyway, my sister is indeed pregnant." Kasumi reminded everyone that the conversation was not supposed to be about worms.
"They're inside me! Kill them all!" Harume cried.
The ninja threw some metal stars around the room, luckily Cologne caught them all. Harume smacked the ninja, "I meant the worms, not the people! Kill the worms!"
"How master?"
"I don't know!" Harume cried.
Nabiki scoffed, and then Ryoga rushed forward and punched Harume in the stomach.
"That's for trying to get me to marry your crazy daughter-er I mean I've just killed the worm!"
"Wonderful! Thank you, thank you! As such I'll make sure you and Yoshimi have a healthy allowance once you're married."
"AHH!" Ryoga groaned. "Look, sir, I really, *really* don't want to marry Yoshimi."
"I know what you mean. I don't want to marry her either. But then, she is my daughter so I have a excuse. What is your excuse boy!?"
"I don't like her!"
"Don't like her? Why not? She's . . . uh . . . okay I know what you mean."
"What's wrong with this girl?" Nabiki demanded.
"Oh she's terrible!" Harume groaned. "The details would scare you."
"Try me." Nabiki growled.
"No, no, it's too horrible." Ryoga said.
"But she is going to be your new wife." Ryoga's mother informed him. Nabiki scowled.
"How does Ranma deal with this stuff?"
Just then the newly rebuilt wall caved in, and there was Akari astride Katsunishiki, with her was all of RHFC, as well as Azusa.
Soun was suddenly sober, he threw his hands over his eyes, screamed as if he'd been stabbed in the heart, and began to cry.
"We're here for Ryo-kun---er I mean Ryoga-honey!" Akari shouted.
Harume's eyes practically glazed over, her looked at Katsunishiki and drooled. "Oooh!" He moaned. He then shouted a barely coherent "Isha'piggy!" Then he cackled insanely, "PIGGIE! K-kee-kee-kee-keeeee, I'm gonna eat yooouuu!" He pulled an elephant gun out from thin air and chased after a surprised Katsunishiki, who was, unsurprisingly, running for his life.
Akari was thrown to the ground as Katsunishiki ran off, but she jumped up and glared into the room, ignoring what had just happened. "I am NOT through! I will NEVER give up my love!"
"I wish you would!" Ryoga moaned.
"Oh Ryoga, don't say that! You and I are married souls, our hearts are the same, our love will be legendary!"Akari cried.
"That is quite enough of that." Ryoga's mother sighed. Nabiki glared at her, she had always heard that most women tended to dislike their mother-in-laws, thusly she believed her *uncontrollable, consuming, ever rising level of HATRED* for the women was a good omen.
"Young lady, you speak words like song lyrics, and you melt my heart." Ryoga's mother said calmly, "If my son were not previously engaged I would let him wed you in an instant-were that his desire-however, as you can likely see, this young woman," she jabbed a finger at Nabiki, "is stealing his heart like a succubus on cocaine. Destroy her, and my son's love may indeed be yours."
"Oh thank you honored mother-in-law, I will destroy her right away!" Akari bowed several times, Ryoga's mother twitched when she was called mother-in-law. Akari took up a fighting stance.
"Alright Nabiki Tendo, prepare yourself, for I shall feed you HORRIBLE DOOM!"
"Does that come with a side order of onion rings?" Nabiki yawned, waving Akari away.
"Akari, wait!" Ryoga said, stepping in between the two girls. Akari relaxed her stance a bit, but not that much. "Akari, listen to me, listen carefully. I . . . I am deeply in love with the assassin, Hand Lotion, you cant have me, I've sworn my heart to her, that's who my mother was talking about, she's nearsighted, she thought Nabiki was Lotion."
"But you were engaged to Nabiki!" Akari cried.
"All canceled once I laid eyes on Lotion." Ryoga said in a dreamy voice. He came back, as if pulling himself from a daze, "Akari, it's a curse, I never wanted to love Lotion, set me free Akari, defeat her and set me free, that our love can be sun through the heavens!"
"Oh I will! I will Ryoga, my love, I will!" Akari squealed, then she ran off.
"Why did you do that?" Nabiki asked. "It isn't like Akari has any sort of fighting skills."
"We don't know that." Ryoga said calmly. "Her stance was very professional."
"You mean flawless." Soun said. "She took up the feared Preying Pork Chop Stance, there are only two known masters of that fighting style in all known history, and three of them are dead."
"What?" Nabiki scratched her head. "Two masters and three of them are dead?"
"Eh? Oh sorry, three masters, and two of them are dead." Soun corrected. "Killed by their fellow, a dark robed young woman about Akari's age, height and build."
"You never mentioned this before?" Kasumi growled.
"Well there are a lot of girls that look like Akari." Soun said. He pointed to Akane and mouthed 'like your sister'
"You are mistaken . . . the mistress known as 'Ah Kah Rhi' of the Preying Pork Chop School of fighting retired five hundred years ago and began a Sumo Wrestling Pig Farm where she taught her pigs Authentic Pork Chop Fighting Skills, and ruled the sumo pig circuit for years." Ryoga's mother said calmly. "We once tried to arrange a marriage for Ryoga with the youngest daughter of this clan, but she was evidently nothing but a pig farmer, not like this masterful warrior princess who even now seeks to murder and maim the wrong person."
The wind blew by, and everyone stared at Ryoga's mother for a long while. Finally Ryoga said, "Akari Unryu is the pig farmer you speak of, she rules the sumo wrestling pig circuit, the only person to ever defeat her giant pig, Katsunishiki was me-er Akane's pet piglet, P-Chan."
"Oh? But Ryoga, we all know you're-"
"The reason P-Chan won." Kasumi interrupted.
Akane was slow, but she caught on. "Yes, indeed were it not for Ryoga, P-Chan would have lost."
"I watch TV, I know my son turns into a little black piglet." Ryoga's mother sighed. Kasumi huffed. "Mind you, your attempts to protect his reputation shine well upon yourself. Do you want to marry my son?"
Kasumi's eyes narrowed. "Younger men bore me."
"A shame." Ryoga's mother sounded truly disappointed, Nabiki clenched her fists and wished she'd taken up a little martial arts.
Just then a thought occurred. "Why did you send her after Lotion?" Nabiki asked.
"So long as one of them doesn't ever come back, I'm happy." Ryoga said. "But I didn't know Akari was such a deadly fighter . . . we have to help Han."
"Don't bother." Cologne sighed.
"What?" Kasumi frowned. "Now elder one, I know you don't like Lotion very much, but-"
"If all else fails, that girl knows how to run, her running skills are almost as incredible as future son-in-law's."
"Oh. Nothing to worry about then."Ranma said. "If she's *half* as good as me at running away then . . . hey!"
Meanwhile . . .
Lotion stared off into the distance, the ocean was all she saw. The salty breeze assaulted her fair beautiful face, she stared at the boat as it came closer, and closer.
Then suddenly she heard some one panting behind her, she turned and saw the pig farmer. "I should have known!" Pig Farmer cried.
"Hmm?" Lotion still couldn't remember why she'd decided not to speak, but she'd continue not speaking all the same.
"You seductive, foreign wench! Seducing my love, causing him to fall for you! Well I won't have it! I'll destroy you!"
Lotion scratched her head. She remembered a similar situation, when a boy from her village had mistaken her for his sister and tried to take his marbles back from her. Of course she didn't have his marbles, and unfortunately, not having any marbles she-at the age of five-ended up getting shoved into a cupboard and locked in for a month, surviving off canned goods and bottled water.
It wasn't that no one could find her, the boy confessed what he'd done a day later, it was just no one cared, they'd actually only opened the cupboard because they needed some canned beets.
They'd spoken about 'best thing the boy's done in his life' and had a small coffin and everyone was celebrating, until she came out alive and fairly well.
The memory of how much everyone hated her made Lotion wish she were back home. She wasn't sure why.
"Are you listening to me?"
"Hmm?" 'What? Oh, of course.' Lotion sighed and wearily drew some daggers. 'I shall give you your end, you seem to want it so.'
Pig Farmer took up an impressive fighting stance, the two young women faced off, and then at the same moment both lunged forward.
"Husband Share?"
Ryoga shook his head. He and his parents were having a private conversation in the dojo. Private meaning Ranma, Akane, Nabiki, Soun, Genma, maybe even Kasumi were above them in the rafters listening in.
His father tried again, "how about you marry Yoshimi, and just have this Nabiki girl as a mistress?"
Again, Ryoga shook his head.
"Son, you cannot escape this, you have always been engaged to Yoshimi. You had no right to propose to this other girl anyway." His mother informed him.
"All that I remember of Yoshimi is a spoiled little girl who used to pull my hair, as a child, who'd follow me around taking notes and then telling me all the things I'd done over the day that annoyed her and telling me if I didn't change she'd pull my hair again!"
"So that's why we caught you trying to shave your head after you met her." Father nodded.
Mother glared.
"For your entire lives you've spent just one day together, the day of your formal meeting."
"Five is too young for formal meetings!"
"Not for a traditionalist family like us!" Mother said.
"No, the Kuno family is traditional, you make your own traditions."
"Heh. She sure does." Ryoga's father smiled and stared off into the distance. "Oh yes . . . such efficient use of your-"
"Darling!" Mother slapped the back of his head, and father snapped out of his daze.
"What? It's not like he's a virgin anymore!"
"Be that as it may, there is no need to be informing him of what we do behind closed doors."
"Really!" Ryoga agreed. "I don't want or need to know!"
"Oh? But we tape recorded everything incase you ever asked us about-" Father was cut off when mother elbowed him in the chest.
"Ahem. Anyway, Ryoga, Yoshimi is a good match for you. If you'd only meet with her-"
"I don't need to meet her, I won't meet her, because it won't matter! She can pull my hair and tell me that my bad posture annoys her, but I'm still marrying Nabiki Tendo."
"Yes, well so you say." Mother sighed.
"So I say, so I mean, so let it be written, so let it be done!" Ryoga cried. He realized the problem here was that both parties were hearing what the other was saying, but neither cared. "Listen to me, please, I'm begging you not only as your son, but as a human being, let me marry the girl I love."
"I will," Mother said calmly, "when you realize that her name is Yoshimi Harume."
Ryoga groaned. He looked at his father and mother, then sighed. "When you married father, was there some one you loved more, and you're trying to crush my dreams because you have none of your own?"
Ryoga's father punched him in the shoulder. Mother sighed. "Not even close. Ryoga, you are friendless, helpless, hopeless, possibly even brainless."
"Hey!"
"But married to Yoshimi, none of that would matter. People respect you if you have cash."
"I guess so, but Nabiki makes money pretty easily."
"Oh believe me son, whoring yourself out on the street isn't exactly easy."
"She doesn't do that." Ryoga's eyes narrowed.
"Oh? Well too bad." Mother sighed. "I knew she was a drug dealer, but I didn't want to admit it to myself."
"She is not!" Ryoga scowled. "She's just . . . I dunno, I guess if you said black mail was an art
form, she's good enough to draw the uh . . . the ceiling of that one temple place with her eyes closed! Financially she really has nothing to worry about, maybe she isn't a billionaire like Yoshimi, but still I doubt she'll ever be truly poor in her life time."
"Oh yeah, I noticed." Ryoga's father said. "On our way back from breakfast we ran into this Orange Lightning guy, and he told her that he wanted pictures, she gave him a set of five. But then she made him feel guilty about cheating on 'the pigtailed girl' so he bought ten more, then she told him that the pigtailed girl obviously means more to him than her sister does, so he bought another ten. This went on for a while, she just wouldn't sell him packages of five to even the number, and he was too stupid to figure out what she was doing until he'd ended up giving her his shirt and a bunch of IOUs."
"That's what I'm talking about, she's ruthless!" Ryoga groaned. "She had me in a talent show, I had to learn to dance as a pig, incidentally I already knew, but I didn't want to dance disco in front of a whole bunch of people! If I didn't do her bidding, she'd have told her sister I was really her pet piglet P-Chan!"
"No kidding! Your mother used to love disco, I remember this huge disco dance off we went to-wait, why were you some one's pet piglet?" Father blinked.
"It's a long story?" Ryoga offered.
Mother however had a vein on her forehead, and she looked like she might explode like a volcano. "Can we please focus?" She demanded.
"Oh . . . right . . . well dad said I could marry her."
"Yes dear, without Ryoga, they might never defeat the Koruda School of Combat!"
"Oh for crying out loud honey, we've never even HEARD of the Koruda School of Combat, you're just trying to fit in!"
"Yes dear, whatever you say . . . but if I've never had a grievance about the Koruda School, where do you suppose I got THIS!" He pulled his shirt up and showed them a large ugly scar across his chest. Ryoga flinched, mother scowled and ripped the fake scar off. Father chuckled and scratched the back of his head. "Eh . . . heh-heh. Got it at the costume shop . . ."
"Did you think you could fool a woman who has seen your bare chest more times than she likes to recall?" Mother demanded.
"It'd be kind of stupid of me to say 'yes' now."
Ryoga shook his head, and wondered if they were so distracted that he could try to escape! They weren't, the argument ended as soon as he decided to make a run for it.
"Ryoga! What are you doing?"
"Uh . . . stretching." Ryoga said, he sat back down.
"Alright, listen, conceivably you may have authentic feelings of affection for this Tendo girl, as such I offer you this deal. Meet with Yoshimi once, just once and if you still don't like her, we won't force you to marry her."
"Agreed." Ryoga said. "Now can I go?"
"Well I suppose . . ." suddenly the door to the dojo fell off it's hinges, and there stood Hand Lotion, holding an unconscious Akari by the collar of her shirt. She walked over to them, threw Akari at Ryoga's mother, then fell to her knees in front of Ryoga.
"I am terribly sorry, but I do not, could not return your feelings, and though I have beaten your little girlfriend here I cannot accept the prize of your love, and-"
"I don't really love you." Ryoga said.
Lotion blinked a couple times. "Oh? Oh! So I'm not good enough for you? Is that it!?"
"No, it's just that I don't want to have a girlfriend like Akari, and I know you are the most powerful fighter in the world, so I told her that I loved you and she went off to fight you, and doubtlessly lost horribly."
"Hah! Show's what you know, she lost on accident-er I mean yes, I wiped the floors with her!"
"How exactly did the battle go?" Mother asked.
Hand Lotion giggled. "It was beautiful!"
FLASHBACK
Lotion leapt into the air, and came down on top of Akair, her knives aimed downwards, Akari spun around and kicked them out of the amazon's hands.
Lotion flipped back, and glared at the little farmer. "Why for do you attack me?" She asked, giving up on her silence vow.
"You stole the heart of my Ryoga!"
"Male servant? Male servant loves me!? That's wonderful! No one has ever *loved* me! Or even *cared* about me!"
"Well you can't have him!" Akari cried. "If I defeat you, he's mine, if you win, you may have him."
"Oh . . . but I don't want-AIIE!" Lotion jumped back to avoid a powerful kick from the little farmer.
She stumbled, and tripped and fell over, Akari loomed over her.
"Now Ryoga is MINE!" She screamed, about to karate chop the amazon. Then the giant pig Katsunishiki came barreling through, ran her over, and kept going. Akari got up.
"I'm okay . . ." she grumbled. Then a broad shouldered man with a beard and a gold cane holding an elephant gun ran after the pig, and stepped on Akari, shouting about eating pigs.
Akari shook her head to clear it. "I'm still okay!"
Lotion lifted a really heavy rock and dropped it on the farmer girl's head.
END FLASHBACK
"Well . . . uh . . . she came at me, with a masterful battle stance, but then I told her that I was the FEARED Assassin Han Lo-Chun and she tried to run and I stomped her! Ahahahaha!"
"You said she lost by mistake." Ryoga observed.
"Yes . . . running was her mistake, had she faced me mayhaps I'd have shown her mercy." The Amazon glared at him, Ryoga decided to just let her have her way.
"It looks like she was trampled . . . by a giant pig."
"Oh yes . . . well that is my secret attack!"
"Really? Show me." Mother said skeptically. Just then Katsunishiki ran through the dojo, smashing the wall down, trampled Akari, realized who she was and went back for her, then ran for dear life. Lotion stood pointing at the giant pig cackling.
"Did you see that? Doubt me not, for I speak truly!"
Mother seemed to be shocked beyond reason, she blinked a couple times, but said nothing, Ryoga chose this time to take his leave. He really wished Hand Lotion would take hers . . . forever.
But she didn't, she even stuck around a few days, spending a little too much time with Kasumi, always calling the older (yet not THAT much older) girl "mother"
Nabiki-who'd heard everything Ryoga told his parents-had punished Ryoga first for pretending he couldn't dance as a pig. To accomplish this, she turned him into a pig, and would not allow him to transform back until he danced for the entire family. Surprisingly she was rather sure that this had actually raised Ryoga's mother's opinion of her. Second she punished him for agreeing to meet with another girl. It wasn't as if she agreed to meet other boys, yes she'd gone out on a date or two with Kinnosuke, but that'd been purely for the sake of their rivalry, and of course the whole thing with Mikado was forced. To punish him for that, she'd gone on a date with Kinnosuke, taking along "Charlotte" her pet piglet, Kinnosuke thought the pig would make it difficult for Nabiki to sneak out on the check. However he failed to realize that "Charlotte" could be thrown, and so when it came down to it, Nabiki simply threw the pig at the back of his head, collected said pig and ran like a mob of angry waiters was following her. And in fact, that was exactly the case.
Still, she couldn't believe he'd agreed to meet this other girl! What if this other girl ended up being incredibly wonderful or cute or something? What if she was Ryoga's perfect match, like Akari thought she was. What if Ryoga and Yoshimi became boyfriend and girlfriend? After all, she found herself being more cruel to Ryoga than Akane was to Ranma, and just taking a look at their relationship, made her suspect Ryoga would all too easily fall for a girl who was as wonderful as the Yoshimi that Nabiki was imagining.
The thought caused Nabiki to snap her pencil. Homework, so much homework!
She couldn't think with this cursed boy clouding up her mind, she'd have to swear off men, take to girls instead, she disliked other women enough that she'd never have a successful relationship for the rest of her . . . where was she going with this line of thought?
She slammed the broken pencils down, and stomped downstairs. She was so angry when she got there she could only manage to get two words out of her mouth. "Where . . . pig?"
Akane-the only person downstairs-just dumbly pointed to the dojo, not looking up from her TV show (something with teenage super villains trying to conquer the world from the back seat of a car, while ordering food from a drive through) Nabiki stomped in there, and there was Ryoga and Ranma about to engage in vicious combat. Nabiki was about to grab him, when suddenly a new thought occurred to her.
"Oh Ryoga, sweetie! Could I see you for a moment?"
"It'll only take a moment fer me ta knock him out!" Ranma chuckled, "Don't worry, I'll leave enough of him for you to marry."
Nabiki twitched. At this point she just batted her eyelashes and giggled. "Don't be silly, this is important."
Ryoga frowned and came over. "Am I in trouble?"
"No!" Nabiki forced an airhead giggle. "Of course not, I just wanted to talk for a little while."
"Watch out Ryoga, she's been smoking *something*!" Ranma cried.
"Don't be silly Ranma!" Nabiki cried, she grabbed Ryoga and hugged him, over the boy's shoulder she mouthed to Ranma 'Shut up or I make you feel financial pains as never before!' She took a step back from Ryoga. "We don't spend much time together, do we Ryoga?" She asked.
"What are you talking about? I was with you just a moment ago, you sent me away because you had to do homework!"
"Yes . . . well the home work is done silly, I thought we could go out or something." She batted her eyelashes.
"Is there something in your eye?"
"No." She said, her patience wearing thin. However she soon reverted to her cuteness-at least she hoped that was what it was-and kissed him on the cheek. "Don't you want to take me out to dinner? Or a movie?"
"Would I be thrown at anyone's head?" Ryoga raised an eyebrow.
Nabiki didn't want to guarantee him that he wouldn't because she wasn't entirely sure herself, odd things could happen after all.
She decided to be vague. "Why would I throw some one so cute as you away?"
"Stop! I'm going to hurl!" Ranma cried.
That's it! Nabiki was going to get some photos of Ranko in the bath, and xerox them and pass them out like fliers, or throw a stack of them from an airplane!
However Ryoga seemed annoyed by the sex-changing boy's insults too, and scowled. "Okay then, Nabiki, where do you want to go?"
"Oh anywhere you want to go sweet heart!"
"Alright then." Ryoga said, Nabiki led him out of the dojo.
"Where d'ya think yer going?" Ranma demanded.
"On a date with my fiancee." Ryoga scowled.
"What about our practice?"
"Why don't you practice alone, I'm sure you can learn more from yourself than you ever could from me." Nabiki suddenly felt like Ranma and Ryoga were the ones dating and she was being used to make one of them jealous, which one she wasn't actually sure. Strangely enough she didn't care, she just wanted to get Ryoga all to herself, so she dragged him eagerly towards the door.
"You coward!" Ranma tried.
Ryoga stopped for an instant, but Nabiki dragged him on. Once outside the dojo, She kissed him on the cheek again, kissing him on the lips wouldn't be very cute, it'd be slutty. "Where are we going?"
Ryoga looked at her in surprise. "You're really asking me? I get to choose? I thought you had some place in mind and you'd just say I got to choose and then you'd tell me and make me take you."
"Don't be silly, why would I-"
"Alright, what *are* you smoking?"
Nabiki glared at him. "There's nothing wrong with me, I'm not doing anything abnormal!" Then she giggled.
"Well I'm convinced . . . " Ryoga said, "that you're up to something, spill it!"
Nabiki scowled. Then she turned around and stomped off. Now her stomping had attracted the attention of most of the household, Ryoga followed her, but she shut the door in his face.
And then Nabiki stomped over to her bed, threw herself down, decided that she'd changed her mind, got up stomped over to the door, pulled Ryoga in by the back of the collar-he'd been trying to sneak away, the scum-and dragged him in, shutting the door after him. "Do you think that just because I slam the door in your face, you're permitted to leave!?"
"Well . . . I sorta didn't want to just stand outside your door, I didn't want to crowd you or anything."
"You were going to go fight Ranma!"
"Maybe."
"Whose boyfriend are you?"
"Yours?" Ryoga shrugged.
"Yes, mine!" Nabiki confirmed. She sighed and massaged her forehead. What a headache. "Why don't we ever go out on dates?"
"Because whenever we're alone you want to skip straight to sex." Ryoga said simply. "If you recall, I tried to take you out once and your response was to lead me to a motel and try to spend the night there in what you called your own brand of 'bridal training'." Ryoga observed.
"That was a long time ago!"
"It was three days ago."
"Might as well be three years!" Nabiki cried. "And don't try to make this my fault!"
"I wasn't." Ryoga looked confused now.
"Here's a question for you, we don't go out on dates, fine, let's assume it's because I'm always trying to have sex with you, now tell me why we don't have sex!"
"Because I don't want to DIE!" Ryoga yelped. "Your father said he'd castrate me, and I looked it up, and that is *not* something I want!" Ryoga said.
Nabiki sat on her bed. "Oh yeah? A likely excuse."
Ryoga sighed. "Why are you upset? Is this because of the whole dancing thing?" Ryoga smiled, "if you want, I'll go get a glass of cold water and dance around for you."
"How's about you take off all your cloths and just do me?" Nabiki offered. Ryoga sighed and massaged his forehead. "No? Well I bet you'd do Yoshimi!"
"Is that what this is about?" Ryoga blinked.
"Why did you agree to meet her?!" Nabiki demanded.
Ryoga frowned. "Why not? I just have to meet her, and when they see I don't love her I'll be allowed to marry you."
"And . . . and . . . that's stupid!" Nabiki snapped.
"Are you afraid I'll fall in love with her?" Ryoga raised an eyebrow.
"No! If you think some rich girl would be a better girlfriend then me, then more power to you!"
Nabiki scowled. "It isn't as if I-" but the next word of her sentence was spoken into Ryoga's mouth, after that she gave up on talking.
He wrapped his arms around her and slowly their lips parted, she glared at him. "You think that makes everything better?!"
"Shut you up for a little while, didnt it?" Ryoga shrugged.
Nabiki smiled and shook her head slowly. "Ryoga, if you leave me for that rich girl . . . you wont have to worry about daddy, *I* will castrate you."
"I don't doubt that for a second." Ryoga sighed.
"So long as we're clear."
"Okay, then . . . let's go."
"Go where?"
"On a date. Shish, I thought you were the smart one." Ryoga sighed.
Nabiki frowned. "A date? Can't we just have sex?"
Ryoga jumped up and pointed an accusing finger at her. "See? This is what I'm talking about!"
"I was joking." Nabiki smiled.
"Yeah right." Ryoga scoffed. "So . . . d'you want to go?" He asked.
"Hmm? Alright." She sighed. "But . . . can we have sex after?"
Ryoga sighed. "Alright."
"Some times I wonder if you've hit puberty yet. You make it sound like a chore."
"Who said it wasn't? Besides, I'm sixteen, of course I've hit puberty." Ryoga sighed.
"Most sixteen year-olds in your position wouldn't give their beautiful older girlfriends a moment of rest, it'd be sex here, sex there, sex in the closet, sex in the kitchen, and so on."
"Well we'll talk about that when we get back." Ryoga assured her. They were almost out the door when-
"Ryoga!" Ryoga's mother snapped. Ryoga groaned, Nabiki's eyes narrowed and she clenched her fists. "Could I ask you to wait for a moment?"
"What is it?" Ryoga sighed.
"I need to see her for a moment." Ryoga's mother said. "Could you spare her."
"She has a name." Nabiki said tensely.
"Yes . . . I'm sure she does. Now, if you don't mind?"
"Listen, if you cant even call her by her name-" Ryoga began, Nabiki squeezed his shoulder.
"Relax honey, I don't have a problem with having a conversation with my *fiancée's* dear mother.
Our date could wait a few minutes."
"Indeed." Ryoga's mother said coldly. She dragged Nabiki off, the younger Tendo found herself in a closet.
"Where were you trying to go?"
"Don't take me for a fool, I brought you here on purpose!" Ryoga's mother scowled. "Ryoga got his teeth from me, he got the sense of direction from his father."
"If you say so." Nabiki shrugged.
"Now, all things aside . . . we have some issues to work out."
"Really." Nabiki nodded.
Then Ryoga's mother said calmly, "If you break up with him now, you'll get a fully paid scholarship to any college of your choice, in any country with a ten thousand yen a week allowance! Sign this contract!"
It was dark, Nabiki could see nothing, but she grabbed the contract and tore it apart. "I will not leave him."
Ryoga's mother laughed. "But, had he the choice, do you think he'd leave you?"
"I . . . I doubt it." Nabiki said calmly. The answer didn't sound one bit certain, and to be honest she herself wasn't entirely certain. She knew Ryoga cared, and she certainly loved him, but if he had the chance to return to his old lifestyle, instead of being cooped up in the Tendo home all the time, would he take it? "He'd never leave me." Nabiki said, sounding more firm.
Ryoga's mother opened the closet door and Nabiki could see her evil smile. "Take a look at the contract you just ripped apart."
Nabiki looked at it, and saw that it was in fact the one she'd made Ryoga sign, making him her slave until the spring-cleaning was finished. She blinked. "So what?"
"This contract held him to you, now it is destroyed." Ryoga's mother put her hands behind her back.
"This contract is outdated, we had another one somewhere . . . oh I don't know where it is, still Ryoga is working off a debt right now, so his slavery doesn't have any set time, I can keep him forever."
There was a clicking sound. "So he's just a slave to you then?"
"Of course not!" Nabiki scowled. "I love him. I know you don't like me, but couldn't you at least pretend you do for his sake?"
There was a clicking sound. "Do you really love him?"
"Yes, of course!" Nabiki scowled. "That's what I just said isn't it?"
"My fine young girl, you've just done me a magnificent favor. Well, off you go, enjoy your date, and keep your hands to yourself."
Nabiki glared. "I hate you." She growled.
"I know. I hate you too."
"Good."
"Good."
To be continued . . .
Next Chapter . . .
"They love each other!" Akane cried.
"Play the tape for her." Ranma said.
But as Ryoga's mother rewound the tape, there was a knock on the door. Kasumi got up and answered it, there was a police officer with Ryoga and Nabiki. The former looked humiliated and depressed, the latter looked thrilled.
"Are you related to either of these two?" The cop asked, seeing how . . . well, law abiding Kasumi looked.
"That is my sister, and my . . . eh . . . future brother-in-law." Kasumi nodded.
"Our son was arrested!?" Ryoga's father wailed.
Kasumi forced a smile. "So officer . . . wont you come inside and . . . tell us what they did?"
Chapter 28
Will it Ever End?
"Stupid Koruda school!" Genma scowled.
"Too good to accept our challenge!?" Soun cried.
"Too good fer us eh?" Ranma sneered.
"I really don't think this is the place." Ryoga tried, no one listened.
"Listen you guys, I don't know who you think you are, but-" a man tried, the 1/2 would have none of his logical talk!
"I am Soun Tendo of the Tendo Training Hall, I've come to declare battle upon your house, and wage violent war on you and your people!"
"Look sir, this is a school, a *school* and I'm a lowly janitor, you and your friends are scaring the students, please just leave."
"I know it's a school! It's the Koruda school of combat, is it not!?" Soun demanded.
Ryoga sighed. Soun was being difficult, and Ranma was just egging them on. "C'mon pop, you gonna take that from him? Take a swing, you can take him!"
"Yes, I can!" Genma growled.
"I have a great idea!" Ryoga said. "Let's hit the bar!"
"The what?" Soun, Genma, and father cried. "To the bar!" They said in one voice.
Ranma laughed like an idiot, Ryoga smacked him and tried to apologize to the janitor who was now wielding a mop threateningly. Not wanting to get wet, Ryoga followed the group as they left the playground of confused, scared kindergartners.
"Nabiki, I love you," Ryoga said, holding her close. "But . . . I have a confession to make."
"I knew you were gay!" Nabiki cried.
"What?"
"Nothing. You were saying?"
"Eh . . . right. Well though you were my first lover you were not my only one."
"Explain to me how that works." She said coldly.
He shoved her away and grabbed at his chest as if it were about to explode. "Nabiki . . . I've been sleeping with your sister!"
"W-which one?" Nabiki blinked.
"Both of them." Ryoga shrugged.
Nabiki gasped. "Oh yeah? W-well I'm sleeping with Ranma!"
Ryoga shrugged. "Yeah? Me too."
Nabiki blinked.
"And, I've been sleeping with Nodoka too." Ryoga added.
"Nodoka? That tart!"
"I'm also sleeping with Shampoo."
"B-But she doesn't love you!" Nabiki screamed. Ryoga just shrugged, so she screamed some more.
And Nabiki screamed some more until her teacher prodded her with a yardstick. "Ahh!" She sat up and looked around. Just a dream. Thank heavens.
She was at school-what was left of it-since the building was destroyed, outdoor classes had been arranged, she'd fallen asleep under a comfortable tree, it was missing a branch from one of dozens of fights between Ryoga and Ranma. All that seemed to have happened years ago.
She sighed, her teacher lectured her for a while, and she ignored it. Finally the bell rang and she grabbed her things and left. She rushed home to be sure that no billionaire's daughter had stolen her fiancee.
When she got home she found Kasumi cleaning house like she did every day, she looked around though and found no sign of Ryoga.
Too her great displeasure she did find Ryoga's mother sitting in her bedroom reading one of her comic books. "Where is everyone?" She asked the older woman.
"Hmm? Your father, Saotome, and my husband got very drunk. They then decided to take the boys and throw eggs at the Koruda school of combat, Kasumi threw a fit, she seems to be lacking sleep, I offered to help with the chores but she insisted she do them alone. She would make such a fine wife for Ryoga."
'That dream had better not have been an omen!' Nabiki thought. She glared at her future mother-in-law. "What'cha reading?"
"Just some of your pornography."
"What? I don't have anything like that!" Nabiki scoffed.
"I was gauging your reaction," Ryoga's mother said, holding up a copy of a comic whose star was-she was quite sure- a rip off of a foreign character, but never cared enough to research. "For a young lady so interested in money, you certainly don't take very good care of these. They might be worth something some day."
"I doubt it." Nabiki scoffed.
Ryoga's mother shrugged. "You know, I want what's best for my son-"
"Then leave him to me, I'll take better care of him than you have." Nabiki blurted.
Ryoga's mother scowled. "Oh sure you will. But not quite such good care as a billionaire's daughter would."
"Listen, I don't know what I did to make you dislike me-"
"You dress like a whore."
"Those were . . . eh . . . just pajamas!"
"You're dressed like a whore right now."
"It's a school uniform!" Nabiki cried. "Anyway, I just want you to know that no matter how hard you try to separate me and Ryoga, it wont work! I love him, really love him, you can't change that."
"I cant . . . but perhaps five hundred thousand yen might."
Nabiki raised an eyebrow.
"Five hundred thousand yen and you break up with Ryoga permanently, you will not marry him, you will not sleep with him again, you will ignore him as if he were a fly on the wall."
Well gee, that sounded an awful lot like how she'd treated him before, when he was just another of Akane's silly suitors. Before she learned his secret, before she realized her feelings for him.
Before life became complicated.
It sounded like a good deal, after all, thanks to the distraction Ryoga provided she was behind on school work, and she still had college to look forward to, if ever she managed to bring her grades back up.
Not sleeping with him wouldn't change much, since she'd only done it once, and he was so reluctant to do it again. But still . . . she couldn't. She couldn't give him up, she loved him, she wanted him, she needed him like her lungs needed air, she . . . five hundred thousand yen?
She could return to her old life, and have five hundred thousand yen!
She glared at Ryoga's mother. "You vile temptress!" She hissed. "I . . . I cant take any money from you!"
"What about from Kotaro Harume?" She scoffed. Ryoga's mother chuckled. "He's on his way you know."
"What's that to me?" Nabiki scoffed. "So the rich man is coming, big deal. I love Ryoga, I wont be bought like the whore you only *think* I am."
"Perhaps. What about Ryoga?"
"What!?" Nabiki snapped.
"You'll see." Ryoga's mother smiled. She got up and strolled out of Nabiki's room, then shut herself in a closet. Nabiki snickered and decided to see if there was anything good on TV.
The door swung open a few moments later and in came Ryoga and Ranma, holding up Soun, Genma, and Ryoga's father, the three of whom looked plastered, and beaten badly. Ranma grunted as he dragged Genma, his old man had been packing in the snacks obviously!
"What happened?" Kasumi gasped. "Did the people of the Koruda School of Combat do this?"
"No! We never *found* the Koruda School," Ranma scowled, "We started throwing eggs at the police station!"
"You WHAT!" Nabiki shouted. She grabbed Ryoga, and shook him violently, he folded under her assault. "The police station? The police station! Are you out of your mind? Answer me!" Ryoga just stared at her blankly. "No! You're drunk too, aren't you?"
"N-no, just scared!" Ryoga said.
"How did you escape the police?" Ryoga's mother asked.
"Disguises." Ranma chuckled. "A little cold water for those of us with skills, and a quick run through a dress shop for those of us without."
"Oh my goodness." Kasumi sighed. "Why do they look so beat up?"
"Your dad and my pop got into a fight over mom again, and Ryoga's dad tried to break it up . . . he failed by the way."
"At least he didn't sit back and laugh! What sort of son are you!" Genma growled. Then squeaked. "I'm sorry boy, you know I really have a deep respect for the young man you've become. You might even say that-as a father to his son-I love-"
"Don't finish that sentence pop!" Ranma cried.
"Yyyoooouuuuu!" Genma slurred as he tried to remember how to stop speaking as to fulfill Ranma's request.
Ranma twisted and moaned.
"What are these skills you speak of? A disguising skill? How does it work?"
"A little cold water, and ya might say yer boy turns into a whole new man . . . or rather . . ."
"Oh shut up Ranma!" Nabiki scowled.
At about that time the door opened, and in came Akane, followed by a muscular, broad-shouldered man with a gold cane, a long beard, and shaggy eyebrows. Right behind him, a pink ninja, tall and slender, with a red scarf tied around his neck and covering his face, with bright pink lenses on the goggles that covered his eyes.
Goggles? On a ninja?
Whatever.
Ranma raised his eyebrows in confused salute to these two, and Akane introduced them.
"This is Mr. Harume, he's come to see the sites of Nerima, and wanted to start with the Tendo
Training Hall, isn't that neat? And this is his associate, he says we don't need to know his name, only his reputation."
"What's his reputation?" Ranma asked.
Akane made a grunting sound like "oreo" and shrugged.
Harume smiled and slapped his hands together. "So, which one of you is Ryoga?" He asked in a loud, booming voice.
"He is." Ryoga's mother pointed to her son who was still in the clutches of his murderous fiancée.
Ranma chuckled.
"Well come now madam, let the boy answer for himself. I need to know he's not mute."
"Not mute, but blind. He's very blind. Right Ryoga?" Nabiki said.
"Yep." Ryoga nodded.
"All the better to marry my daughter." Harume chuckled.
"Then . . . he's deaf." Nabiki scowled. "He can't hear a word."
"Nope. I have to read lips." Ryoga said.
"You idiot, how can you read lips if you're blind!" Nabiki demanded, shaking him.
"I forgot I was blind!" Ryoga protested.
"So soon?"
"Well you're shaking me too violently, you're lucky I don't forget my own name!"
Ranma laughed loudly until he could laugh no more, he ran out of breath and tried to laugh some more, in a moment, the pig-tailed boy was unconscious.
Ryoga blinked. "Wow . . . we killed Ranma!"
"I always thought it'd be harder." Nabiki admitted. "I kinda feel bad now . . ."
"It's okay, he has a pulse." Akane said. She sat down on top of him, and smiled. "Very comfortable."
"Well . . . anyway Ryoga my boy," Harume said, "Yoshimi has certainly missed you, why she's gone on safari in Africa twice in hopes of finding you."
"Why would she look there?" Ryoga blinked.
"Because I told her you might be there."
"Why did you tell her that?"
"Because I'd seen that neat-o movie, Congo, and I was hoping she'd come back with diamonds, you, or not at all."
"You took an American movie seriously?" Kasumi blinked.
"Well it *was* based on a book." Harume said, rolling his eyes at the ignorant girl. That slightly annoyed Nabiki.
"Quite true." Kasumi allowed. "Won't you have a seat?"
"No, no I don't think I will, you commoners tend to have seats made of wood, or plastic, some times even that thing cans are made out of-" Harume snapped his fingers over and over aging next to his ear, "aluminum I think it's called. No, unless you have the finest English oak, or the very best plastic with polyester seats, or seats made of gold, I am not interested."
"I'm sorry, our home must seem to have been struck by the worst of poverty to some one as used to comfortable living as you." Kasumi said, her eye twitching.
"Oh-hoh-hoh!" His laugh made everyone look around to see if Kodachi had come to pay a visit.
"No, not at all. I lived in a place like this once, you see a friend of mine bet me one hundred million pounds that I couldn't live like normal poor people for five minutes. It was hard, I had to spend a month bathing in money before it sunk in that I was still rich, but I won the bet, and the one hundred million pounds."
"British money?" Nabiki blinked.
"No, you silly silly creature, pounds of pork! I love pork! If I see a pig, I instinctively kill and cook it."
Ryoga jumped into Nabiki's arms, "Save me!" he cried, she glared at him for a moment, and benevolently decided not to throw him on the ground in exchange for all her troubles, sexual frustration and just because he was being ridiculous.
"What's his problem?" Ryoga's mother asked. "He likes pork too."
"Not anymore I don't!" Ryoga cried.
"But Ryoga, you eat pork all the time!" Kasumi said.
"Y-yes but I don't instinctively kill and cook pigs! What's going to happen if Akari shows up again with Katsunishiki?"
Nabiki thought about that, and all the ideas that popped into her head were good, some of them were even funny. What was Ryoga worried about? "Harume can handle the lawsuit, and Akari would finally have enough money to feed her piggies."
"What about P-Chan!?"
"Oh don't worry honey, P-Chan is too small to make a decent meal." Nabiki chuckled.
Harume scratched his head. "I'm terribly sorry for my bad manners, but who are you, peasant girl who holds my future son-in-law?"
Nabiki growled and dropped Ryoga. "I am Nabiki Tendo, soon to be Nabiki Hibiki!"
"So they're adopting you? Splendid! That means Yoshimi will have a sister-in-law! You know she's always wanted a sister, and you seem to be around her age, maybe just a little older, you're perfect, you're hired!" Harume clapped his hands.
Nabiki blinked and tried to figure out what had just happened. "They aren't adopting me, I'm marrying Ryoga!"
"Oh . . . Ryoga, you cant have two wives, you're not Chinese!" Harume said.
"What's that supposed to mean?" Cologne asked, coming from out of nowhere.
"Oh you know, how ancient Chinese kings would have their three to four wives from the day of their manhood, and gradually take on more and more."
"First of all it was only one or two wives-" Cologne growled, then coughed to herself (that were historically recorded) "and perhaps they had hundreds of concubines, but concubines were generally released from service after reaching a certain age, or married if they got pregnant."
"Right . . . well anyway Ryoga, you can't have two wives, and concubines are out of the question." Ryoga's father said.
"Really? It sounds perfect to me." Ryoga's mother said. "He could sleep with Yoshimi, and this girl together and marry whichever one conceives first."
"I'd take them up on that offer, either way you get two girls." Ryoga's father whispered.
"What if they both get pregnant?" Ryoga demanded.
Everyone had to think about that one, he made a very good point. Of course Nabiki wasn't thinking about what everyone else was thinking about. "I'm pregnant!" She blurted.
"Oh Nabiki, not this again-eh I mean, yes, yes she is." Kasumi said. "Perhaps you've noticed her waking up early and throwing up, her constant mood swings, the way she's constantly eating sweets and yet never gaining weight-"
"Actually I'd blame that on a tape worm," Ryoga's mother said.
"A what!" Nabiki screamed.
"One in four people has a tape worm inside them." Ryoga's mother said simply. She counted the people in the room. "There are likely two and one half tape worms in this room alone."
"I'd guess they're in Ranma and Ryoga, the way those two eat, Nabiki probably has the half-a-worm!" Akane said.
Kasumi cleared her throat, it was a soft sound that didn't really get anyone's attention, "Anyway, my sister is indeed pregnant." Kasumi reminded everyone that the conversation was not supposed to be about worms.
"They're inside me! Kill them all!" Harume cried.
The ninja threw some metal stars around the room, luckily Cologne caught them all. Harume smacked the ninja, "I meant the worms, not the people! Kill the worms!"
"How master?"
"I don't know!" Harume cried.
Nabiki scoffed, and then Ryoga rushed forward and punched Harume in the stomach.
"That's for trying to get me to marry your crazy daughter-er I mean I've just killed the worm!"
"Wonderful! Thank you, thank you! As such I'll make sure you and Yoshimi have a healthy allowance once you're married."
"AHH!" Ryoga groaned. "Look, sir, I really, *really* don't want to marry Yoshimi."
"I know what you mean. I don't want to marry her either. But then, she is my daughter so I have a excuse. What is your excuse boy!?"
"I don't like her!"
"Don't like her? Why not? She's . . . uh . . . okay I know what you mean."
"What's wrong with this girl?" Nabiki demanded.
"Oh she's terrible!" Harume groaned. "The details would scare you."
"Try me." Nabiki growled.
"No, no, it's too horrible." Ryoga said.
"But she is going to be your new wife." Ryoga's mother informed him. Nabiki scowled.
"How does Ranma deal with this stuff?"
Just then the newly rebuilt wall caved in, and there was Akari astride Katsunishiki, with her was all of RHFC, as well as Azusa.
Soun was suddenly sober, he threw his hands over his eyes, screamed as if he'd been stabbed in the heart, and began to cry.
"We're here for Ryo-kun---er I mean Ryoga-honey!" Akari shouted.
Harume's eyes practically glazed over, her looked at Katsunishiki and drooled. "Oooh!" He moaned. He then shouted a barely coherent "Isha'piggy!" Then he cackled insanely, "PIGGIE! K-kee-kee-kee-keeeee, I'm gonna eat yooouuu!" He pulled an elephant gun out from thin air and chased after a surprised Katsunishiki, who was, unsurprisingly, running for his life.
Akari was thrown to the ground as Katsunishiki ran off, but she jumped up and glared into the room, ignoring what had just happened. "I am NOT through! I will NEVER give up my love!"
"I wish you would!" Ryoga moaned.
"Oh Ryoga, don't say that! You and I are married souls, our hearts are the same, our love will be legendary!"Akari cried.
"That is quite enough of that." Ryoga's mother sighed. Nabiki glared at her, she had always heard that most women tended to dislike their mother-in-laws, thusly she believed her *uncontrollable, consuming, ever rising level of HATRED* for the women was a good omen.
"Young lady, you speak words like song lyrics, and you melt my heart." Ryoga's mother said calmly, "If my son were not previously engaged I would let him wed you in an instant-were that his desire-however, as you can likely see, this young woman," she jabbed a finger at Nabiki, "is stealing his heart like a succubus on cocaine. Destroy her, and my son's love may indeed be yours."
"Oh thank you honored mother-in-law, I will destroy her right away!" Akari bowed several times, Ryoga's mother twitched when she was called mother-in-law. Akari took up a fighting stance.
"Alright Nabiki Tendo, prepare yourself, for I shall feed you HORRIBLE DOOM!"
"Does that come with a side order of onion rings?" Nabiki yawned, waving Akari away.
"Akari, wait!" Ryoga said, stepping in between the two girls. Akari relaxed her stance a bit, but not that much. "Akari, listen to me, listen carefully. I . . . I am deeply in love with the assassin, Hand Lotion, you cant have me, I've sworn my heart to her, that's who my mother was talking about, she's nearsighted, she thought Nabiki was Lotion."
"But you were engaged to Nabiki!" Akari cried.
"All canceled once I laid eyes on Lotion." Ryoga said in a dreamy voice. He came back, as if pulling himself from a daze, "Akari, it's a curse, I never wanted to love Lotion, set me free Akari, defeat her and set me free, that our love can be sun through the heavens!"
"Oh I will! I will Ryoga, my love, I will!" Akari squealed, then she ran off.
"Why did you do that?" Nabiki asked. "It isn't like Akari has any sort of fighting skills."
"We don't know that." Ryoga said calmly. "Her stance was very professional."
"You mean flawless." Soun said. "She took up the feared Preying Pork Chop Stance, there are only two known masters of that fighting style in all known history, and three of them are dead."
"What?" Nabiki scratched her head. "Two masters and three of them are dead?"
"Eh? Oh sorry, three masters, and two of them are dead." Soun corrected. "Killed by their fellow, a dark robed young woman about Akari's age, height and build."
"You never mentioned this before?" Kasumi growled.
"Well there are a lot of girls that look like Akari." Soun said. He pointed to Akane and mouthed 'like your sister'
"You are mistaken . . . the mistress known as 'Ah Kah Rhi' of the Preying Pork Chop School of fighting retired five hundred years ago and began a Sumo Wrestling Pig Farm where she taught her pigs Authentic Pork Chop Fighting Skills, and ruled the sumo pig circuit for years." Ryoga's mother said calmly. "We once tried to arrange a marriage for Ryoga with the youngest daughter of this clan, but she was evidently nothing but a pig farmer, not like this masterful warrior princess who even now seeks to murder and maim the wrong person."
The wind blew by, and everyone stared at Ryoga's mother for a long while. Finally Ryoga said, "Akari Unryu is the pig farmer you speak of, she rules the sumo wrestling pig circuit, the only person to ever defeat her giant pig, Katsunishiki was me-er Akane's pet piglet, P-Chan."
"Oh? But Ryoga, we all know you're-"
"The reason P-Chan won." Kasumi interrupted.
Akane was slow, but she caught on. "Yes, indeed were it not for Ryoga, P-Chan would have lost."
"I watch TV, I know my son turns into a little black piglet." Ryoga's mother sighed. Kasumi huffed. "Mind you, your attempts to protect his reputation shine well upon yourself. Do you want to marry my son?"
Kasumi's eyes narrowed. "Younger men bore me."
"A shame." Ryoga's mother sounded truly disappointed, Nabiki clenched her fists and wished she'd taken up a little martial arts.
Just then a thought occurred. "Why did you send her after Lotion?" Nabiki asked.
"So long as one of them doesn't ever come back, I'm happy." Ryoga said. "But I didn't know Akari was such a deadly fighter . . . we have to help Han."
"Don't bother." Cologne sighed.
"What?" Kasumi frowned. "Now elder one, I know you don't like Lotion very much, but-"
"If all else fails, that girl knows how to run, her running skills are almost as incredible as future son-in-law's."
"Oh. Nothing to worry about then."Ranma said. "If she's *half* as good as me at running away then . . . hey!"
Meanwhile . . .
Lotion stared off into the distance, the ocean was all she saw. The salty breeze assaulted her fair beautiful face, she stared at the boat as it came closer, and closer.
Then suddenly she heard some one panting behind her, she turned and saw the pig farmer. "I should have known!" Pig Farmer cried.
"Hmm?" Lotion still couldn't remember why she'd decided not to speak, but she'd continue not speaking all the same.
"You seductive, foreign wench! Seducing my love, causing him to fall for you! Well I won't have it! I'll destroy you!"
Lotion scratched her head. She remembered a similar situation, when a boy from her village had mistaken her for his sister and tried to take his marbles back from her. Of course she didn't have his marbles, and unfortunately, not having any marbles she-at the age of five-ended up getting shoved into a cupboard and locked in for a month, surviving off canned goods and bottled water.
It wasn't that no one could find her, the boy confessed what he'd done a day later, it was just no one cared, they'd actually only opened the cupboard because they needed some canned beets.
They'd spoken about 'best thing the boy's done in his life' and had a small coffin and everyone was celebrating, until she came out alive and fairly well.
The memory of how much everyone hated her made Lotion wish she were back home. She wasn't sure why.
"Are you listening to me?"
"Hmm?" 'What? Oh, of course.' Lotion sighed and wearily drew some daggers. 'I shall give you your end, you seem to want it so.'
Pig Farmer took up an impressive fighting stance, the two young women faced off, and then at the same moment both lunged forward.
"Husband Share?"
Ryoga shook his head. He and his parents were having a private conversation in the dojo. Private meaning Ranma, Akane, Nabiki, Soun, Genma, maybe even Kasumi were above them in the rafters listening in.
His father tried again, "how about you marry Yoshimi, and just have this Nabiki girl as a mistress?"
Again, Ryoga shook his head.
"Son, you cannot escape this, you have always been engaged to Yoshimi. You had no right to propose to this other girl anyway." His mother informed him.
"All that I remember of Yoshimi is a spoiled little girl who used to pull my hair, as a child, who'd follow me around taking notes and then telling me all the things I'd done over the day that annoyed her and telling me if I didn't change she'd pull my hair again!"
"So that's why we caught you trying to shave your head after you met her." Father nodded.
Mother glared.
"For your entire lives you've spent just one day together, the day of your formal meeting."
"Five is too young for formal meetings!"
"Not for a traditionalist family like us!" Mother said.
"No, the Kuno family is traditional, you make your own traditions."
"Heh. She sure does." Ryoga's father smiled and stared off into the distance. "Oh yes . . . such efficient use of your-"
"Darling!" Mother slapped the back of his head, and father snapped out of his daze.
"What? It's not like he's a virgin anymore!"
"Be that as it may, there is no need to be informing him of what we do behind closed doors."
"Really!" Ryoga agreed. "I don't want or need to know!"
"Oh? But we tape recorded everything incase you ever asked us about-" Father was cut off when mother elbowed him in the chest.
"Ahem. Anyway, Ryoga, Yoshimi is a good match for you. If you'd only meet with her-"
"I don't need to meet her, I won't meet her, because it won't matter! She can pull my hair and tell me that my bad posture annoys her, but I'm still marrying Nabiki Tendo."
"Yes, well so you say." Mother sighed.
"So I say, so I mean, so let it be written, so let it be done!" Ryoga cried. He realized the problem here was that both parties were hearing what the other was saying, but neither cared. "Listen to me, please, I'm begging you not only as your son, but as a human being, let me marry the girl I love."
"I will," Mother said calmly, "when you realize that her name is Yoshimi Harume."
Ryoga groaned. He looked at his father and mother, then sighed. "When you married father, was there some one you loved more, and you're trying to crush my dreams because you have none of your own?"
Ryoga's father punched him in the shoulder. Mother sighed. "Not even close. Ryoga, you are friendless, helpless, hopeless, possibly even brainless."
"Hey!"
"But married to Yoshimi, none of that would matter. People respect you if you have cash."
"I guess so, but Nabiki makes money pretty easily."
"Oh believe me son, whoring yourself out on the street isn't exactly easy."
"She doesn't do that." Ryoga's eyes narrowed.
"Oh? Well too bad." Mother sighed. "I knew she was a drug dealer, but I didn't want to admit it to myself."
"She is not!" Ryoga scowled. "She's just . . . I dunno, I guess if you said black mail was an art
form, she's good enough to draw the uh . . . the ceiling of that one temple place with her eyes closed! Financially she really has nothing to worry about, maybe she isn't a billionaire like Yoshimi, but still I doubt she'll ever be truly poor in her life time."
"Oh yeah, I noticed." Ryoga's father said. "On our way back from breakfast we ran into this Orange Lightning guy, and he told her that he wanted pictures, she gave him a set of five. But then she made him feel guilty about cheating on 'the pigtailed girl' so he bought ten more, then she told him that the pigtailed girl obviously means more to him than her sister does, so he bought another ten. This went on for a while, she just wouldn't sell him packages of five to even the number, and he was too stupid to figure out what she was doing until he'd ended up giving her his shirt and a bunch of IOUs."
"That's what I'm talking about, she's ruthless!" Ryoga groaned. "She had me in a talent show, I had to learn to dance as a pig, incidentally I already knew, but I didn't want to dance disco in front of a whole bunch of people! If I didn't do her bidding, she'd have told her sister I was really her pet piglet P-Chan!"
"No kidding! Your mother used to love disco, I remember this huge disco dance off we went to-wait, why were you some one's pet piglet?" Father blinked.
"It's a long story?" Ryoga offered.
Mother however had a vein on her forehead, and she looked like she might explode like a volcano. "Can we please focus?" She demanded.
"Oh . . . right . . . well dad said I could marry her."
"Yes dear, without Ryoga, they might never defeat the Koruda School of Combat!"
"Oh for crying out loud honey, we've never even HEARD of the Koruda School of Combat, you're just trying to fit in!"
"Yes dear, whatever you say . . . but if I've never had a grievance about the Koruda School, where do you suppose I got THIS!" He pulled his shirt up and showed them a large ugly scar across his chest. Ryoga flinched, mother scowled and ripped the fake scar off. Father chuckled and scratched the back of his head. "Eh . . . heh-heh. Got it at the costume shop . . ."
"Did you think you could fool a woman who has seen your bare chest more times than she likes to recall?" Mother demanded.
"It'd be kind of stupid of me to say 'yes' now."
Ryoga shook his head, and wondered if they were so distracted that he could try to escape! They weren't, the argument ended as soon as he decided to make a run for it.
"Ryoga! What are you doing?"
"Uh . . . stretching." Ryoga said, he sat back down.
"Alright, listen, conceivably you may have authentic feelings of affection for this Tendo girl, as such I offer you this deal. Meet with Yoshimi once, just once and if you still don't like her, we won't force you to marry her."
"Agreed." Ryoga said. "Now can I go?"
"Well I suppose . . ." suddenly the door to the dojo fell off it's hinges, and there stood Hand Lotion, holding an unconscious Akari by the collar of her shirt. She walked over to them, threw Akari at Ryoga's mother, then fell to her knees in front of Ryoga.
"I am terribly sorry, but I do not, could not return your feelings, and though I have beaten your little girlfriend here I cannot accept the prize of your love, and-"
"I don't really love you." Ryoga said.
Lotion blinked a couple times. "Oh? Oh! So I'm not good enough for you? Is that it!?"
"No, it's just that I don't want to have a girlfriend like Akari, and I know you are the most powerful fighter in the world, so I told her that I loved you and she went off to fight you, and doubtlessly lost horribly."
"Hah! Show's what you know, she lost on accident-er I mean yes, I wiped the floors with her!"
"How exactly did the battle go?" Mother asked.
Hand Lotion giggled. "It was beautiful!"
FLASHBACK
Lotion leapt into the air, and came down on top of Akair, her knives aimed downwards, Akari spun around and kicked them out of the amazon's hands.
Lotion flipped back, and glared at the little farmer. "Why for do you attack me?" She asked, giving up on her silence vow.
"You stole the heart of my Ryoga!"
"Male servant? Male servant loves me!? That's wonderful! No one has ever *loved* me! Or even *cared* about me!"
"Well you can't have him!" Akari cried. "If I defeat you, he's mine, if you win, you may have him."
"Oh . . . but I don't want-AIIE!" Lotion jumped back to avoid a powerful kick from the little farmer.
She stumbled, and tripped and fell over, Akari loomed over her.
"Now Ryoga is MINE!" She screamed, about to karate chop the amazon. Then the giant pig Katsunishiki came barreling through, ran her over, and kept going. Akari got up.
"I'm okay . . ." she grumbled. Then a broad shouldered man with a beard and a gold cane holding an elephant gun ran after the pig, and stepped on Akari, shouting about eating pigs.
Akari shook her head to clear it. "I'm still okay!"
Lotion lifted a really heavy rock and dropped it on the farmer girl's head.
END FLASHBACK
"Well . . . uh . . . she came at me, with a masterful battle stance, but then I told her that I was the FEARED Assassin Han Lo-Chun and she tried to run and I stomped her! Ahahahaha!"
"You said she lost by mistake." Ryoga observed.
"Yes . . . running was her mistake, had she faced me mayhaps I'd have shown her mercy." The Amazon glared at him, Ryoga decided to just let her have her way.
"It looks like she was trampled . . . by a giant pig."
"Oh yes . . . well that is my secret attack!"
"Really? Show me." Mother said skeptically. Just then Katsunishiki ran through the dojo, smashing the wall down, trampled Akari, realized who she was and went back for her, then ran for dear life. Lotion stood pointing at the giant pig cackling.
"Did you see that? Doubt me not, for I speak truly!"
Mother seemed to be shocked beyond reason, she blinked a couple times, but said nothing, Ryoga chose this time to take his leave. He really wished Hand Lotion would take hers . . . forever.
But she didn't, she even stuck around a few days, spending a little too much time with Kasumi, always calling the older (yet not THAT much older) girl "mother"
Nabiki-who'd heard everything Ryoga told his parents-had punished Ryoga first for pretending he couldn't dance as a pig. To accomplish this, she turned him into a pig, and would not allow him to transform back until he danced for the entire family. Surprisingly she was rather sure that this had actually raised Ryoga's mother's opinion of her. Second she punished him for agreeing to meet with another girl. It wasn't as if she agreed to meet other boys, yes she'd gone out on a date or two with Kinnosuke, but that'd been purely for the sake of their rivalry, and of course the whole thing with Mikado was forced. To punish him for that, she'd gone on a date with Kinnosuke, taking along "Charlotte" her pet piglet, Kinnosuke thought the pig would make it difficult for Nabiki to sneak out on the check. However he failed to realize that "Charlotte" could be thrown, and so when it came down to it, Nabiki simply threw the pig at the back of his head, collected said pig and ran like a mob of angry waiters was following her. And in fact, that was exactly the case.
Still, she couldn't believe he'd agreed to meet this other girl! What if this other girl ended up being incredibly wonderful or cute or something? What if she was Ryoga's perfect match, like Akari thought she was. What if Ryoga and Yoshimi became boyfriend and girlfriend? After all, she found herself being more cruel to Ryoga than Akane was to Ranma, and just taking a look at their relationship, made her suspect Ryoga would all too easily fall for a girl who was as wonderful as the Yoshimi that Nabiki was imagining.
The thought caused Nabiki to snap her pencil. Homework, so much homework!
She couldn't think with this cursed boy clouding up her mind, she'd have to swear off men, take to girls instead, she disliked other women enough that she'd never have a successful relationship for the rest of her . . . where was she going with this line of thought?
She slammed the broken pencils down, and stomped downstairs. She was so angry when she got there she could only manage to get two words out of her mouth. "Where . . . pig?"
Akane-the only person downstairs-just dumbly pointed to the dojo, not looking up from her TV show (something with teenage super villains trying to conquer the world from the back seat of a car, while ordering food from a drive through) Nabiki stomped in there, and there was Ryoga and Ranma about to engage in vicious combat. Nabiki was about to grab him, when suddenly a new thought occurred to her.
"Oh Ryoga, sweetie! Could I see you for a moment?"
"It'll only take a moment fer me ta knock him out!" Ranma chuckled, "Don't worry, I'll leave enough of him for you to marry."
Nabiki twitched. At this point she just batted her eyelashes and giggled. "Don't be silly, this is important."
Ryoga frowned and came over. "Am I in trouble?"
"No!" Nabiki forced an airhead giggle. "Of course not, I just wanted to talk for a little while."
"Watch out Ryoga, she's been smoking *something*!" Ranma cried.
"Don't be silly Ranma!" Nabiki cried, she grabbed Ryoga and hugged him, over the boy's shoulder she mouthed to Ranma 'Shut up or I make you feel financial pains as never before!' She took a step back from Ryoga. "We don't spend much time together, do we Ryoga?" She asked.
"What are you talking about? I was with you just a moment ago, you sent me away because you had to do homework!"
"Yes . . . well the home work is done silly, I thought we could go out or something." She batted her eyelashes.
"Is there something in your eye?"
"No." She said, her patience wearing thin. However she soon reverted to her cuteness-at least she hoped that was what it was-and kissed him on the cheek. "Don't you want to take me out to dinner? Or a movie?"
"Would I be thrown at anyone's head?" Ryoga raised an eyebrow.
Nabiki didn't want to guarantee him that he wouldn't because she wasn't entirely sure herself, odd things could happen after all.
She decided to be vague. "Why would I throw some one so cute as you away?"
"Stop! I'm going to hurl!" Ranma cried.
That's it! Nabiki was going to get some photos of Ranko in the bath, and xerox them and pass them out like fliers, or throw a stack of them from an airplane!
However Ryoga seemed annoyed by the sex-changing boy's insults too, and scowled. "Okay then, Nabiki, where do you want to go?"
"Oh anywhere you want to go sweet heart!"
"Alright then." Ryoga said, Nabiki led him out of the dojo.
"Where d'ya think yer going?" Ranma demanded.
"On a date with my fiancee." Ryoga scowled.
"What about our practice?"
"Why don't you practice alone, I'm sure you can learn more from yourself than you ever could from me." Nabiki suddenly felt like Ranma and Ryoga were the ones dating and she was being used to make one of them jealous, which one she wasn't actually sure. Strangely enough she didn't care, she just wanted to get Ryoga all to herself, so she dragged him eagerly towards the door.
"You coward!" Ranma tried.
Ryoga stopped for an instant, but Nabiki dragged him on. Once outside the dojo, She kissed him on the cheek again, kissing him on the lips wouldn't be very cute, it'd be slutty. "Where are we going?"
Ryoga looked at her in surprise. "You're really asking me? I get to choose? I thought you had some place in mind and you'd just say I got to choose and then you'd tell me and make me take you."
"Don't be silly, why would I-"
"Alright, what *are* you smoking?"
Nabiki glared at him. "There's nothing wrong with me, I'm not doing anything abnormal!" Then she giggled.
"Well I'm convinced . . . " Ryoga said, "that you're up to something, spill it!"
Nabiki scowled. Then she turned around and stomped off. Now her stomping had attracted the attention of most of the household, Ryoga followed her, but she shut the door in his face.
And then Nabiki stomped over to her bed, threw herself down, decided that she'd changed her mind, got up stomped over to the door, pulled Ryoga in by the back of the collar-he'd been trying to sneak away, the scum-and dragged him in, shutting the door after him. "Do you think that just because I slam the door in your face, you're permitted to leave!?"
"Well . . . I sorta didn't want to just stand outside your door, I didn't want to crowd you or anything."
"You were going to go fight Ranma!"
"Maybe."
"Whose boyfriend are you?"
"Yours?" Ryoga shrugged.
"Yes, mine!" Nabiki confirmed. She sighed and massaged her forehead. What a headache. "Why don't we ever go out on dates?"
"Because whenever we're alone you want to skip straight to sex." Ryoga said simply. "If you recall, I tried to take you out once and your response was to lead me to a motel and try to spend the night there in what you called your own brand of 'bridal training'." Ryoga observed.
"That was a long time ago!"
"It was three days ago."
"Might as well be three years!" Nabiki cried. "And don't try to make this my fault!"
"I wasn't." Ryoga looked confused now.
"Here's a question for you, we don't go out on dates, fine, let's assume it's because I'm always trying to have sex with you, now tell me why we don't have sex!"
"Because I don't want to DIE!" Ryoga yelped. "Your father said he'd castrate me, and I looked it up, and that is *not* something I want!" Ryoga said.
Nabiki sat on her bed. "Oh yeah? A likely excuse."
Ryoga sighed. "Why are you upset? Is this because of the whole dancing thing?" Ryoga smiled, "if you want, I'll go get a glass of cold water and dance around for you."
"How's about you take off all your cloths and just do me?" Nabiki offered. Ryoga sighed and massaged his forehead. "No? Well I bet you'd do Yoshimi!"
"Is that what this is about?" Ryoga blinked.
"Why did you agree to meet her?!" Nabiki demanded.
Ryoga frowned. "Why not? I just have to meet her, and when they see I don't love her I'll be allowed to marry you."
"And . . . and . . . that's stupid!" Nabiki snapped.
"Are you afraid I'll fall in love with her?" Ryoga raised an eyebrow.
"No! If you think some rich girl would be a better girlfriend then me, then more power to you!"
Nabiki scowled. "It isn't as if I-" but the next word of her sentence was spoken into Ryoga's mouth, after that she gave up on talking.
He wrapped his arms around her and slowly their lips parted, she glared at him. "You think that makes everything better?!"
"Shut you up for a little while, didnt it?" Ryoga shrugged.
Nabiki smiled and shook her head slowly. "Ryoga, if you leave me for that rich girl . . . you wont have to worry about daddy, *I* will castrate you."
"I don't doubt that for a second." Ryoga sighed.
"So long as we're clear."
"Okay, then . . . let's go."
"Go where?"
"On a date. Shish, I thought you were the smart one." Ryoga sighed.
Nabiki frowned. "A date? Can't we just have sex?"
Ryoga jumped up and pointed an accusing finger at her. "See? This is what I'm talking about!"
"I was joking." Nabiki smiled.
"Yeah right." Ryoga scoffed. "So . . . d'you want to go?" He asked.
"Hmm? Alright." She sighed. "But . . . can we have sex after?"
Ryoga sighed. "Alright."
"Some times I wonder if you've hit puberty yet. You make it sound like a chore."
"Who said it wasn't? Besides, I'm sixteen, of course I've hit puberty." Ryoga sighed.
"Most sixteen year-olds in your position wouldn't give their beautiful older girlfriends a moment of rest, it'd be sex here, sex there, sex in the closet, sex in the kitchen, and so on."
"Well we'll talk about that when we get back." Ryoga assured her. They were almost out the door when-
"Ryoga!" Ryoga's mother snapped. Ryoga groaned, Nabiki's eyes narrowed and she clenched her fists. "Could I ask you to wait for a moment?"
"What is it?" Ryoga sighed.
"I need to see her for a moment." Ryoga's mother said. "Could you spare her."
"She has a name." Nabiki said tensely.
"Yes . . . I'm sure she does. Now, if you don't mind?"
"Listen, if you cant even call her by her name-" Ryoga began, Nabiki squeezed his shoulder.
"Relax honey, I don't have a problem with having a conversation with my *fiancée's* dear mother.
Our date could wait a few minutes."
"Indeed." Ryoga's mother said coldly. She dragged Nabiki off, the younger Tendo found herself in a closet.
"Where were you trying to go?"
"Don't take me for a fool, I brought you here on purpose!" Ryoga's mother scowled. "Ryoga got his teeth from me, he got the sense of direction from his father."
"If you say so." Nabiki shrugged.
"Now, all things aside . . . we have some issues to work out."
"Really." Nabiki nodded.
Then Ryoga's mother said calmly, "If you break up with him now, you'll get a fully paid scholarship to any college of your choice, in any country with a ten thousand yen a week allowance! Sign this contract!"
It was dark, Nabiki could see nothing, but she grabbed the contract and tore it apart. "I will not leave him."
Ryoga's mother laughed. "But, had he the choice, do you think he'd leave you?"
"I . . . I doubt it." Nabiki said calmly. The answer didn't sound one bit certain, and to be honest she herself wasn't entirely certain. She knew Ryoga cared, and she certainly loved him, but if he had the chance to return to his old lifestyle, instead of being cooped up in the Tendo home all the time, would he take it? "He'd never leave me." Nabiki said, sounding more firm.
Ryoga's mother opened the closet door and Nabiki could see her evil smile. "Take a look at the contract you just ripped apart."
Nabiki looked at it, and saw that it was in fact the one she'd made Ryoga sign, making him her slave until the spring-cleaning was finished. She blinked. "So what?"
"This contract held him to you, now it is destroyed." Ryoga's mother put her hands behind her back.
"This contract is outdated, we had another one somewhere . . . oh I don't know where it is, still Ryoga is working off a debt right now, so his slavery doesn't have any set time, I can keep him forever."
There was a clicking sound. "So he's just a slave to you then?"
"Of course not!" Nabiki scowled. "I love him. I know you don't like me, but couldn't you at least pretend you do for his sake?"
There was a clicking sound. "Do you really love him?"
"Yes, of course!" Nabiki scowled. "That's what I just said isn't it?"
"My fine young girl, you've just done me a magnificent favor. Well, off you go, enjoy your date, and keep your hands to yourself."
Nabiki glared. "I hate you." She growled.
"I know. I hate you too."
"Good."
"Good."
To be continued . . .
Next Chapter . . .
"They love each other!" Akane cried.
"Play the tape for her." Ranma said.
But as Ryoga's mother rewound the tape, there was a knock on the door. Kasumi got up and answered it, there was a police officer with Ryoga and Nabiki. The former looked humiliated and depressed, the latter looked thrilled.
"Are you related to either of these two?" The cop asked, seeing how . . . well, law abiding Kasumi looked.
"That is my sister, and my . . . eh . . . future brother-in-law." Kasumi nodded.
"Our son was arrested!?" Ryoga's father wailed.
Kasumi forced a smile. "So officer . . . wont you come inside and . . . tell us what they did?"