It's odd the things that come back to you when you're between a rock and a hard place. Sometimes in the heat of a moment, maybe when he was standing inside a burning building, or using the Jaws of Life to free someone from a car, he would remember the first day he and Kim had brought Joey home from the hospital. Or maybe the day of his sixth birthday when his mother surprised him with a brand new bicycle, even though she had told him they couldn't afford it.
Now, his legs trapping him inside the freezing vehicle, his ex-wife huddling at his side, unsure as to where his son was or even if he was still alive, Jimmy 's thoughts drew him back to a warm apartment he hadn't seen for years...
"He looks so beautiful," he heard Kim whisper, though he knew she wasn't speaking.
He could see it as clearly as if he was actually standing there, and he didn't know whether to be grateful for such a clear, happy memory, or to be frightened at it's implications.
He looked over, knowing he should see the passenger side of the car and instead seeing Kim, looking younger, fresher than she had in a while. Her hair was down around her shoulders, and he felt tempted to reach out, to touch it and see if it felt as soft as it looked. He looked at her goofy red and green sweater, a smiling Christmas tree emblazoned across the front, and felt an ache in his chest. It wasn't the pain he had been feeling so strongly since he first work up. It was a nostalgic ache of both pride and regret.
He followed her gaze and saw what captivated her so deeply.
The crib he had set up for Joey just days before his birth. The mobile of fish swinging in an invisible breeze at the headboard, and tucked gently below, in a light blue baby blanket, his son.
The baby gurgled and smiled at his parents, his chubby cheeks and shining brown eyes an overwhelming sight.
"Jimmy!" Kim cried. "Did you see that? His first smile!"
He heard himself say, "It's almost as beautiful as you."
Kim blushed and smiled, looking so young, so proud, he would have sworn she was actually glowing. "Stop."
Had she actually giggled? Yes, looking back, she had. They had been so...happy.
"Merry Christmas, Kimmy," he again heard his voice say.
"I love you, Jimmy," she replied, wrapping her arms around him and kissing him tenderly on the lips.
Somewhere on the side of a road, the sun almost completely sunken behind the horizon, a fresh sheet of snow falling across the crumpled hood of their car, Jimmy's eyes shot open.
"Kim?" he whispered into the dimness.
In an instant, she was sitting up, abandoning her position under the blanket.
He felt the cold seeping back into his side where her body had been huddled.
"Kimmy?" he whispered again, just needing to hear her voice.
"I'm right here, Jimmy," she said, taking his bruised hand in hers. "What is it?"
"Kim..." he hesitated. "Kim, I'm scared."
"It'll be okay," she told him, but he could hear the tremor in her voice.
"Joey," he said, coughing once. "He's safe. Someone must have found him, and he was confused, or he was scared, or he didn't remember where we had wrecked. But he's safe. He's okay."
He saw her nod in the forthcoming darkness.
"Do you remember when Joey was born?" he asked suddenly, painfully tightening his grip on her cold hand.
"Of course," she replied. "Why?"
"You were so beautiful. So happy," he said softly, remembering. "And I screwed it up."
"Yeah, you did," she said, not unkindly.
"And I'm so sorry," he said, his voice breaking.
"Jimmy, don't worry about it," she said, now completely unseen in the darkness.
"No," he said. "I can't...I have to say this."
She placed her other hand on his, cupping it gently between hers.
"I screwed it up. I screw everything up, and I'm not even sure why. Or how. But I do," he said. "And I toss around my apologies like they're a dime a dozen, but I really mean this now. I need you to know how sorry I am. About everything. Maybe I was just afraid, or maybe I'm just making excuses, but...Kim, I love you so much. I have never loved anyone or anything the way I love you and Joey. And it hurts me that we can never be the way we were before. But...God, I can't die knowing you'd never know how I feel."
At the word 'dying' he heard her sob out loud, felt her shaking with tears.
"I don't know if I can make it much longer, Kim. It's starting to...not hurt so much, and I don't think it's the cold that's numbing me. I'm scared that you can never know how I feel. My heart breaks over and over every time I think about what I did to you."
"Jimmy please," she broke in. "Don't talk like this."
He ignored her, tears running hot courses down his cheeks now. "I love you. I love you more than anything, Kim, please know that."
"Jimmy," she sobbed again. "Please...please don't leave me!"
"I'm tryin' not to," he said with a short, sorrowful laugh.
"I love you too, Jimmy," she whispered, resting her head on his shoulder, her arm draped gently across his chest. "I love you, too..."
"You shouldn't," he rasped through his tears.
"I know," she replied truthfully, "but I still do."
He clutched her arm with his hand, summoning all his strength, unwilling to lose contact with her, feeling himself sliding away.
Crying, holding Jimmy as closely as she dared, she felt his breathing slowing, heard the wheezing soften, and willed him not to go.
Now, his legs trapping him inside the freezing vehicle, his ex-wife huddling at his side, unsure as to where his son was or even if he was still alive, Jimmy 's thoughts drew him back to a warm apartment he hadn't seen for years...
"He looks so beautiful," he heard Kim whisper, though he knew she wasn't speaking.
He could see it as clearly as if he was actually standing there, and he didn't know whether to be grateful for such a clear, happy memory, or to be frightened at it's implications.
He looked over, knowing he should see the passenger side of the car and instead seeing Kim, looking younger, fresher than she had in a while. Her hair was down around her shoulders, and he felt tempted to reach out, to touch it and see if it felt as soft as it looked. He looked at her goofy red and green sweater, a smiling Christmas tree emblazoned across the front, and felt an ache in his chest. It wasn't the pain he had been feeling so strongly since he first work up. It was a nostalgic ache of both pride and regret.
He followed her gaze and saw what captivated her so deeply.
The crib he had set up for Joey just days before his birth. The mobile of fish swinging in an invisible breeze at the headboard, and tucked gently below, in a light blue baby blanket, his son.
The baby gurgled and smiled at his parents, his chubby cheeks and shining brown eyes an overwhelming sight.
"Jimmy!" Kim cried. "Did you see that? His first smile!"
He heard himself say, "It's almost as beautiful as you."
Kim blushed and smiled, looking so young, so proud, he would have sworn she was actually glowing. "Stop."
Had she actually giggled? Yes, looking back, she had. They had been so...happy.
"Merry Christmas, Kimmy," he again heard his voice say.
"I love you, Jimmy," she replied, wrapping her arms around him and kissing him tenderly on the lips.
Somewhere on the side of a road, the sun almost completely sunken behind the horizon, a fresh sheet of snow falling across the crumpled hood of their car, Jimmy's eyes shot open.
"Kim?" he whispered into the dimness.
In an instant, she was sitting up, abandoning her position under the blanket.
He felt the cold seeping back into his side where her body had been huddled.
"Kimmy?" he whispered again, just needing to hear her voice.
"I'm right here, Jimmy," she said, taking his bruised hand in hers. "What is it?"
"Kim..." he hesitated. "Kim, I'm scared."
"It'll be okay," she told him, but he could hear the tremor in her voice.
"Joey," he said, coughing once. "He's safe. Someone must have found him, and he was confused, or he was scared, or he didn't remember where we had wrecked. But he's safe. He's okay."
He saw her nod in the forthcoming darkness.
"Do you remember when Joey was born?" he asked suddenly, painfully tightening his grip on her cold hand.
"Of course," she replied. "Why?"
"You were so beautiful. So happy," he said softly, remembering. "And I screwed it up."
"Yeah, you did," she said, not unkindly.
"And I'm so sorry," he said, his voice breaking.
"Jimmy, don't worry about it," she said, now completely unseen in the darkness.
"No," he said. "I can't...I have to say this."
She placed her other hand on his, cupping it gently between hers.
"I screwed it up. I screw everything up, and I'm not even sure why. Or how. But I do," he said. "And I toss around my apologies like they're a dime a dozen, but I really mean this now. I need you to know how sorry I am. About everything. Maybe I was just afraid, or maybe I'm just making excuses, but...Kim, I love you so much. I have never loved anyone or anything the way I love you and Joey. And it hurts me that we can never be the way we were before. But...God, I can't die knowing you'd never know how I feel."
At the word 'dying' he heard her sob out loud, felt her shaking with tears.
"I don't know if I can make it much longer, Kim. It's starting to...not hurt so much, and I don't think it's the cold that's numbing me. I'm scared that you can never know how I feel. My heart breaks over and over every time I think about what I did to you."
"Jimmy please," she broke in. "Don't talk like this."
He ignored her, tears running hot courses down his cheeks now. "I love you. I love you more than anything, Kim, please know that."
"Jimmy," she sobbed again. "Please...please don't leave me!"
"I'm tryin' not to," he said with a short, sorrowful laugh.
"I love you too, Jimmy," she whispered, resting her head on his shoulder, her arm draped gently across his chest. "I love you, too..."
"You shouldn't," he rasped through his tears.
"I know," she replied truthfully, "but I still do."
He clutched her arm with his hand, summoning all his strength, unwilling to lose contact with her, feeling himself sliding away.
Crying, holding Jimmy as closely as she dared, she felt his breathing slowing, heard the wheezing soften, and willed him not to go.