Part Ten in the "Reflections" Series,
written by Sapphira
Short Story Based on the WB TV Series "Tarzan"
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Disclaimer: Don't own any of it… not the characters, the music, or the tv series in any form… I am making no profit off of this, or ANY of my other fanfics… I'm writing it purely for my own enjoyment, and hopefully for the enjoyment of some of the fellow fans.
Distribution: If you want it, you can have it… just drop me a line and tell me where it is going… ;)
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Author's Note – This is the tenth part in an on-going series of mine, and is the sequel to "I'm With You", "Lies", "Fallen", "Forever", "Hollow", "Nothing Thicker Than Blood", "Dangerous Parallels", "Breathe In", and "So Are You To Me"… Although all of these stories CAN be read as stand-alone pieces, I do hope that you will take the time and read all of them in order, if you have not done so already…
I know I said at the end of "So Are You To Me" that the next part of this series would be entitled "It's You", but I found myself unable to quite get past that particular scene in the cabin… Jane was alone with her thoughts for a long time. And I wanted to give some reason behind why she had said the things that she had said. "It's You" will still be written, and will be the next part in the series to be posted.
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Summary – "She felt such a connection to him. Such a bond that she knew would never go away. But she also feared what it was that she was bonded to… and whether or not one day, she would lose him to those primal instincts that always pressed upon him." Jane's thoughts after John left her in the cabin alone during "For Love of Country". Part Ten in Reflections Series.
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Why was it, that the things that should be so incredibly simple, always turned out to be the hardest that you would ever have to do deal with? Was it just her? Or was it like that with the rest of the world?
Jane used to think she knew the answer to that. Now she wasn't so sure… She wasn't sure about anything anymore. Nothing made sense, and the things that should, only complicated the present issues further until she finally reached a point where she didn't know which way was up anymore.
But then again, her life had been like that for a while. Every time she had thought things were finally falling back into place, that she was finally beginning to get ahead in this confusing, nameless game, something would shift, change, and it was like she was thrown right back where she had started.
It wasn't a pleasant feeling. What made it worse though, was that John had been forced to take that ride right along with her… And even though she had tried to view him as the reason for all of it, truth was, he was just as much a confused passenger as she was when it came to this hellish roller-coaster ride.
Running her fingers through her hair, she bowed her head. Bracing the weight in her palms on either side, as she stared unseeingly down at the coarse blanket that covered her drawn-up knees. The only physical sound in the cabin after John's exit being the crackling and popping of the blazing fire in front of her. But even she didn't hear it, because at that moment, it was the words that she had just spoken mere seconds before that echoed inside of her mind. The conversation that they had shared…
"Do you want me closer? Or farther?"
"No, you're okay here. Like this."
"I don't mean now. I mean always."
She could still feel the sensation of his hand on her cheek. Thumb stoking the line of her cheek. Could still feel the now familiar yet still overwhelming jumble of emotions that had roared to the surface, brought on by what such a simple contact was capable of invoking within her.
"I wish thing could be simpler."
That was an understatement. Why had their destinies entwined the way they had, surrounded by such conflict? Such dispute? Why couldn't things have been simpler? Why couldn't she have had time to figure things out before it had all hit the fan?
What would things be like now, between her and John, if certain events hadn't occurred?
"They can be."
"How?"
"We could stay here. Together."
Such a sweet fantasy… But yet such an impossibility.
"No…"
"Why not?"
"Because I have a life back home. I have Nikki. I have my job. I… I think. And John, even if I didn't… Sometimes you have such… innocence. And sometimes you are so violent. Unpredictable. So how could I choose to stay out here with you, when I don't know what I'd be choosing? When I don't know you?"
Jane let out a shuddering breath and picked her head up out of her hands, and rested her chin on her jean-covered knee. Gazing into the hypnotizing glow of the fire.
To say she was confused at the moment would have been too weak of a personal observation. To say she was screwed however, would have been just about right on. Because that was exactly how she was feeling at the moment. She didn't know what to think, or how to act. Where to be. Who to be with.
Back at that small landing strip, when she thought he was leaving her for good, all she could think about was how she knew she would never be happy without him in her life. That she would never be able to recover from what she had felt and experienced over the last two months. That she would never be able to resume the 'normal' life that she had had before she had met John, that Sam so strongly claimed that she needed to once again regain.
She didn't want that life. She wanted to be with him. She knew that now.
But it wasn't that simple. Life just wasn't that simple.
And the first thing that you usually tended to learn in this life was that we don't always get what we want… or even what we need.
Maybe she was being pessimistic. Maybe she was just afraid of committing herself any further to John… Maybe… But she did know that it wasn't a lie how afraid she had been when she had seen him fighting Gene and his entourage back at that runway. It wasn't so much because he had been defending her. Simple defense was not something that she had a problem with, and heaven knew that John had plenty of people after him that he had the right to defend himself against… it was the way he had fought. It was the first time that she had ever been confronted with that aspect of his nature. With the person that he became when he was fighting like that. The air of violence that radiated off of him.
She could understand it, even respect its origins – everything he had learned in the jungle had been from the animals surrounding him, and it was because of them that he had survived – but it was still nonetheless frightening the creature that he could become.
Because just like she had never met someone else as innocent or pure or uncorrupted by society… she had never met someone so feral. So dangerous. He did things that no mere human male could do.
That, she was pretty sure was the jungle's influence. He had had no limitation placed upon him. No one to tell him that no, he couldn't climb that… or no, he couldn't jump that… or no, he couldn't hear or smell or sense or see or feel that… There had been no restrictions. No boundaries. It as amazing what the mind could be capable of, if all of those were removed from one's path.
And it was because of that, that he had survived.
She wasn't stupid. She'd seen the scars on his body. Scars that had not been caused by another human or even human weapons. The marks were ugly and fierce and the one that had bestowed them upon him had most certainly meant them to be killing blows.
She didn't want to think about how many times he must have fought his way out of a situation that had threatened him. How many times he had had to kill in order to keep from being killed. It was only natural that he would carry that instinct with him into civilization…
But even knowing all that, she still couldn't get the image of him so viciously enraged, when he had beaten Gene unconscious. It was only by some miracle that he hadn't killed him, and it was one that she had offered up many a thanks for since she had awakened from her blackout.
But it still didn't do anything to alleviate her fears.
She didn't think it was because she feared for herself. She really didn't. Not anymore. It was because she feared for him. Where his instinctual responses would bring him. She felt such a connection to him. Such a bond that she knew would never go away. But she also feared what it was that she was bonded to… and whether or not one day, she would lose him to those primal instincts that always pressed upon him. So many people's first reaction to John was that he was dangerous. Out of control. A wild animal in need of containment. And he did walk such a thin line… he could be so out of control one moment, and then capable of stopping himself proverbially on a dime.
And her worry was that one day that thin filament of control would snap.
Or hell… maybe she was afraid for different reasons. Maybe it had nothing to do with his primal brand of justice. Maybe she was afraid to accept what was happening between her and John on so many different levels, and that was what was spawning this fear about his violent streak. Maybe it was just an excuse her brain was using to keep her from allowing their relationship to grow.
"Do you want me closer…? Or farther…?"
" I don't mean now... I mean always..."
Jane let out a groan and dropped her head back down, now pressing her forehead to her kneecap.
A part of her realized how stupid that was. Her heart was already with him. She knew that. Her soul felt like it was tied to his… it should be such a simple thing to finally let go and allow to happen between them finally happen.
She had already made the choice in a way. She wouldn't still be with him if she hadn't. The way she protected him… fought for him. She couldn't be any more involved in his life than she already was…
Unless she allowed their relationship to become even more intimate… And then it would be just them, and not the rest of the world. Just them.
But then, a lot of the bad things that had happened so far since she had met him, had happened because of what was taking place between them. Most of it never would have even occurred if it hadn't been because of their bond.
Thus one of the reasons why she was so torn.
It should have been enough. With everything that had happened… it should have been enough to convince her to walk away and never look back. But she couldn't. She just couldn't. So maybe she was more at fault than any of the rest of them. Maybe John wasn't the one putting her in danger…
Maybe it was the other way around.
She couldn't get out of her mind the image he had presented when he had turned back to look at her. Standing in the doorway, with the light and heat from the fire dancing across his features and catching in his eyes… and then the cool, silver cast of the moonlight outside, silhouetting his form and dancing within the strands of his hair… Reflecting also in the heated glazier blue of his eyes. Mingling with the warmth of the firelight caught in those fathomless depths.
It had made the breath catch in her throat, and her heart pound. It reminded her that for all of his child-like innocence, there was also most definitely the soul of full-grown man. It was times like that when she was suddenly hit with the full effect of who and what he was… And she couldn't help but respond to that.
And then it was over. The door had been shut behind him. The clap of sound cutting through the heavy silence like that of a gunshot, and he had disappeared into the night. Leaving her alone with her confusion while he undoubtedly went off to work through some of his own that her uncertain words had invoked in him.
The sound of the wolves outside continuing to sing filled the cabin, but she barely paid attention to what had once been an uncertain concern for her. Instead, her thoughts went back over the events of the past twenty-four hours. Unconsciously she reached a hand up to brush carefully at the side of her tender forehead.
He had been so afraid for her. Even after she had finally begun to stir, and he had taken her to Sam's apartment, the fear had still been there in those eyes. He'd been on edge too… Tense. Watchful.
And when Gene had knocked on the front door, she had sensed the sudden aggression raging to the surface as he had vaulted into position in front of her. His body blocking hers from any potential threat. She wasn't foolish enough to think that he hadn't known who it was. He always did. That moment hadn't been any exception.
His arm had come back, as if to keep her behind him. Reassure himself that she was still there. She had latched onto his arm out of concern that he might try to confront Gene, and he had in turn unerringly moved his hand until it had encircled her wrist. His thumb rasping gently and reassuringly over the thin, sensitive skin on the underside of her wrist. The tenderness in his gesture at odds with the hatred and aggression emanating from every muscle in his body, or the faint rumbling sound she heard vibrating threateningly from within his throat.
Getting him into that bedroom in order to hide had been difficult, but he had gone with her anyway. If albeit reluctantly. It hadn't escaped her the way he had kept himself between her and that door at all times. His unblinking eyes, in that moment so unnervingly inhuman, never leaving the direction where he determined any potential threat would come.
Once they had gotten on the road, however, he had begun to relax long before she did. But he had slowly manage to coax her tension out of her, whether she had wanted him to or not.
He was in his element here. In this wilderness. She, on the other hand, hadn't been too thrilled… until he had begun to show it to her through his eyes.
The moment by the river had just been one in a long line of them. When the rest of the world around them faded away, and all she could think of, all she could feel or experience, was her own intensifying hunger for him. When all she could see, was the answering desire in his eyes, as they looked so deeply into hers.
He had been so close… cradling the side of her face, stroking her skin… Waiting for her to make the next move…
And she had run like that chicken she was.
She could never hide anything from him, and especially nothing in regards to what she was feeling, or how the reactions of her body threatened to betray her. He saw everything… and that knowledge there in his face made it that much harder for her to continue to resist him. Resist herself.
But how much longer could she keep ignoring it? How much longer could she keep running away? Pretending that he didn't affect her, when they both knew just how much he did?
Like it or not however, the choices were there. They were standing right in front of her. Demanding for her to pick one of them.
Eventually she was going to have to do just that. She was going to have to figure out just what exactly she was willing to sacrifice in the long run, for whatever life it was that she was destined to lead. Because either way she went, sacrifice something she would…
She could only pray that whatever she chose, it would be the right thing.
For both of them.
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How stupid could I be?
A simpleton could see,
That you're no good for me…
But you're the only one I see…
Lyric from "Stupid" by Sarah McLachlan
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Just so everyone knows (as I have been getting a lot of e-mails in regards to this) after the "Reflections" series is completed (or put on hiatus along with the actual show if it does indeed actually come back in a few months) there will still be various Tarzan projects that I will be working on… One will be a AU series that will receive most of my attention until the fate of Tarzan is decided, and then there will also be a continuation, if we do indeed lose the show for good… I would also not be adverse to helping organize a virtual series continuation , if no one has begun to do so already, as I have a lot of experience in that regards with my own virtual series of "Wolf Lake", and I already have connections established with pvtonline.com…