Harry Potter goes to GAM
Disclaimer: I don't own any of these characters or (in some cases) factual people. The plot is the brainchild of about 9 teenage girls getting high during a field trip to Farrells – so don't necessarily blame me.
Okay- for all of you non-friends of me who are reading this- probably not very many of you there are some things you should know.
GAM: Gathering of All Mariners- a Girl Scout event (Yes I'm in GS! And proud damnit!) held at Castaic Lake once a year and all the Senior troops participate (Seniors are 9-12 grade) – about 8 troops in all. It's a competition about sea and land skills such as boating, swimming, charting, anchors, drill, sailing, compass, first aid, relative bearing, weather and tides, etc…. It's a total blast, but my troop is never gonna win! But that's okay because Mystac Yinkee Lost! (That's another troop)
Thunder From Down Under: A group of male strippers- all from Australia, all REALLY, REALLY HOT, all of the incredibly GAY!
I'll keep you posted on any other things you should know
Most of these events are factual. And I'm sorry but some of them are only funny to people who were there- some of them were only funny at the time and I'm just killing them. Sorry.
Harry Potter, Ron Weasley, Draco Malfoy, Hagrid, Hermione Granger, and Ginny Weasley were sitting around at Hogwarts one day discussing the fine points of the hole in the ceiling across from Professor Snape's classroom.
Ginny turned to Draco and said, "You'd be totally hot if you could get a decent tan. Like totally hot!" She giggled. Ron made barfing and gagging noises. Harry frowned because he was totally jealous- Ginny was supposed to be his and everyone knows that the two of them are going to end up together no matter who Ginny dates in the 5th book.
Snape walked out of his classroom just as Hermione turned to Ron and said, "You would be very good looking if you would bring some pigment into your lifestyle." Ron frowned totally confused- he was trying to be kosher this year and he wasn't supposed to eat pigs. Hermione sighed and rephrased her earlier sentence, "You'd be totally hot if you could get a decent tan. Like totally hot!" Draco made barfing and gagging noises. Snape frowned because he was totally jealous- Hermione was supposed to be his and nobody was supposed to know about it.
Hagrid turned to Harry and said, "Ud 'e totly 'ot if'n u 'ot a…" He looked around frantically at everyone staring at him and said, "I think the hole has gotten bigger." Sure enough everyone turned their attention back to the hole in the wall and Hagrid's slip was forgotten for the time being.
***
A few weeks went by and the second Tuesday in April Ginny walked up to Draco and said, "Oh My God! You should like totally go to California and get a tan!"
Draco was really embarrassed because he was with his girlfriend Pansy and had just finished telling her about the great tan he had gotten at his summer house in France. But when Draco thought about what Ginny had said and realized she was like totally right. He shoved Pansy away and put his arm around Ginny's shoulder. "So, babe. When are we going to California?"
Ginny decided that she and Draco were going to go into LA- actually a tiny suburb of LA known as the San Fernando Valley which no one has ever heard of even though ½ the people who live in "LA" actually live in the Valley- that's why it sucks when LA decides to dump all their trash on the Valley- we've got enough of our own thanks very much. \
Ron walked by and heard Ginny talking to Draco and became very enraged- he was so upset that he made a gasping noise and some spittle went down the wrong tube. He passed out- unconscious. Hermione appeared from around the corner and rushed over to Ron. She rushed over and said to Ginny, "You! Go call 911." Ginny had no clue what she was talking about so she just stood there, but Hermione seemed to ignore this. She checked the situation around and Ron and was quickly able to discern the reason that Ron was unconscious. She checked for his pulse and found it. She then tilted his head back to open his airway and then gave him one firm breath. She pulled away, counted to five and administered another breath. She repeated the process until Ron gave a shaky breath and sat up.
"Wow! Hermione! You are such a good first aider! You totally know rescue breathing!" Ron told Hermione.
Right then Harry came around the corner. He was intently studying some random map he found somewhere- it doesn't really matter where. Professor Lupin came around the corner- he looked a little peaked to be honest, almost as if he needed some sun. He saw Harry reading the map and said, "Wow! Harry! You're really good at charting (maps)! You totally know how to read maps!"
Right then Hagrid came around the corner. He was carrying a kayaking paddle and was pretending to paddle his way down the hall. Sirius came around a corner and saw him paddling. (I don't know how Sirius got there- how he escaped dementors, death eaters, and certain things that happened in the 5th book, but it doesn't matter.) "Wow! Hagrid! You are such a good sailor! You know how to paddle!"
Oliver Woods came around the corner. He was marching and giving orders to himself in his head such as "right flank, march!" Luna Lovegood came around a corner and saw him marching. (A lot of corners in this part of Hogwarts I guess.) "Wow! Oliver! You are such a good driller! You totally know how to march!"
Draco and Ginny looked at each other rather oddly. They felt really left out. Why couldn't one of them be good at something? But alas- it was too late as there were no more corners in this part of Hogwarts. They both sighed. But not to despair- they were once again the center of attention when Ginny shared her wonderful idea with everyone. As expected everyone was totally ecstatic about going to California (Who wouldn't be- seriously?) and everyone headed upstairs to back.
They met each other at the front doors to Hogwarts and everyone was jumping around and excited about getting to the docks on time because they were taking a boat over there. Dumbledore happened to walk past them. He looked a little vacant as if he'd been smoking something…. "Yo! Harry, my man! What's up?" Dumbledore asked.
Harry looked a little surprised to see Dumbledore in such a state. "We're on our way to California to get tans. You got a problem with that old man?" Harry was beginning to get an attitude about the whole thing. There was NO WAY he was gonna let anyone stop him from getting a tan.
Dumbledore swayed a little on his feet and gave a twittering giggle. "I was just there myself man. Although I wasn't getting sunburned. I was getting baked." (that means high!) He swayed more on his feet and passed out. Hermione contemplated doing first aid but decided not to because they were already running late. So the 10 of them (Hagrid, Harry, Ron, Hermione, Oliver, Draco, Ginny, Luna, Sirius, and Lupin) headed out the door and to the docks.
None of them had ever been on a ship before but where totally excited about the numerous possibilities- like bunks the size of a pin with three inches… no two inches of space between them and vegetarian food, no milk, no eggs, no meat… and sea sicknesses… and the Bermuda Triangle. Oh yea, and toilets you can't put toilet paper down- there's a trash can you're supposed to put it all in. And there's a separate bathroom for pee and poop. The pee head and the poo head. (this is totally true)
During the weeklong trip Harry dropped his camera into the water and watched it sink while thinking to himself, "whose camera is this? God – that person is dumb for letting their camera fall into the water." Until he realized that the camera was his. Hagrid got bird poop on his brand new bikini, Ginny clogged the toilets when she forgot you weren't supposed to put toilet paper down there, Hermione had threatened to make love to her dog on Valentine's Day if Ron didn't ask her out, Sirius had made salsa and had stabbed Lupin in the arm when he started dancing salsa, Draco had gotten really bitchy; almost as if he had PMS, but it was okay because Luna had brought a huge box of super tampons, and every one had found out that Oliver had a huge snoring problem and that Ron was addicted to romance novels.
The ship docked in the San Fernando Valley harbor at 3:30 that Thursday. They had exited the boat terminal and had gotten one of the bright yellow taxis that always swarmed around boat terminals. They told the driver to take them to the San Fernando Valley Party House and he nodded his head and smiled. For the next half hour he drove through very crowded streets lined with thousands of identical houses. Finally he stopped at a house with the speakers blaring and several brand new BMW's parked in front. The ten of them stepped out the car.
The house was green with lots of foliage and a porch deck with an electric chair on it. This made Hermione slightly nervous but Ron shrugged it off insisting that it was perfectly normal for American's to have electric chairs on their front porch. Ron nodded his head and said, "Ahhh. Yes. I forgot that we were dealing with Americans now."
The door was answered by a very tall white guy who was standing in front of an identical white guy- twins! Wow! Guy twins! Wow! The two guys let the ten of them in without any questions and they were led into a den with a huge television, two comfy couches, and a billiards table. On the TV was an incredibly hot guy named Shane West who looked very upset about something that Mandy Moore had just told him.
One of the dozen or so girls on the couch yelled at the screen, "Cry Bitch, Cry." As if on command Harry began to tear slightly. This movie always made him so sad. Why did Jamie have to die? She was such a nice girl.
Another girl let out a shriek of glee and then said in a slightly sadistic voice, "It's because she loves JESUS! WOOHOO! She loves JESUS."
Ron was getting slightly nauseas at the mention of Jesus. You see, Ron was Catholic. It was totally obvious- all the signs were there you nincompoop. The red hair, the fact that they have no money, the trillion kids. They are so obviously Irish Catholic, or at least what British people think that Irish- Catholics are like. All they're missing is an alcoholic father. How could you not have noticed? And if you did- great observational skills.
The girls on the couch seemed to notice their visitors and simultaneously gave this huge cheer. They all started jumping up and down and singing a random song from Aladdin. The whole thing was lead by a short brown haired girl with glasses who was wearing a cheerleading skirt.
At the end they all sat down and stared at their visitors. Finally a really tall, thin, blond one with glasses (K, not B) stood up. It was obvious from looking at her that she was a total genius and that her older sister had no hope of ever being as smart as her (Sigh). She said, "It is my calculation that these new arrivals are just what we have been hoping for. I believe that they will help us to achieve our goal of gaining the huge honor of top ship at GAM." At the end of her speech Hermione caught her eye and they smiled at each other. They really were perfect for each other. Sigh again.
The ten guests smiled and said in unison, "We would, like, so love to, like, go to GAM and totally like help you win top ship." A huge cheer went up from the room because everything had been decided. Harry Potter and Hogwarts was going to GAM.
Next chapter: finishing up the "study session" and heading off to GAM. Ideas are more than welcome. Please help me everyone who liked the idea of the story. I need some more plot. What happens next?
Disclaimer: I don't own any of these characters or (in some cases) factual people. The plot is the brainchild of about 9 teenage girls getting high during a field trip to Farrells – so don't necessarily blame me.
Okay- for all of you non-friends of me who are reading this- probably not very many of you there are some things you should know.
GAM: Gathering of All Mariners- a Girl Scout event (Yes I'm in GS! And proud damnit!) held at Castaic Lake once a year and all the Senior troops participate (Seniors are 9-12 grade) – about 8 troops in all. It's a competition about sea and land skills such as boating, swimming, charting, anchors, drill, sailing, compass, first aid, relative bearing, weather and tides, etc…. It's a total blast, but my troop is never gonna win! But that's okay because Mystac Yinkee Lost! (That's another troop)
Thunder From Down Under: A group of male strippers- all from Australia, all REALLY, REALLY HOT, all of the incredibly GAY!
I'll keep you posted on any other things you should know
Most of these events are factual. And I'm sorry but some of them are only funny to people who were there- some of them were only funny at the time and I'm just killing them. Sorry.
Harry Potter, Ron Weasley, Draco Malfoy, Hagrid, Hermione Granger, and Ginny Weasley were sitting around at Hogwarts one day discussing the fine points of the hole in the ceiling across from Professor Snape's classroom.
Ginny turned to Draco and said, "You'd be totally hot if you could get a decent tan. Like totally hot!" She giggled. Ron made barfing and gagging noises. Harry frowned because he was totally jealous- Ginny was supposed to be his and everyone knows that the two of them are going to end up together no matter who Ginny dates in the 5th book.
Snape walked out of his classroom just as Hermione turned to Ron and said, "You would be very good looking if you would bring some pigment into your lifestyle." Ron frowned totally confused- he was trying to be kosher this year and he wasn't supposed to eat pigs. Hermione sighed and rephrased her earlier sentence, "You'd be totally hot if you could get a decent tan. Like totally hot!" Draco made barfing and gagging noises. Snape frowned because he was totally jealous- Hermione was supposed to be his and nobody was supposed to know about it.
Hagrid turned to Harry and said, "Ud 'e totly 'ot if'n u 'ot a…" He looked around frantically at everyone staring at him and said, "I think the hole has gotten bigger." Sure enough everyone turned their attention back to the hole in the wall and Hagrid's slip was forgotten for the time being.
***
A few weeks went by and the second Tuesday in April Ginny walked up to Draco and said, "Oh My God! You should like totally go to California and get a tan!"
Draco was really embarrassed because he was with his girlfriend Pansy and had just finished telling her about the great tan he had gotten at his summer house in France. But when Draco thought about what Ginny had said and realized she was like totally right. He shoved Pansy away and put his arm around Ginny's shoulder. "So, babe. When are we going to California?"
Ginny decided that she and Draco were going to go into LA- actually a tiny suburb of LA known as the San Fernando Valley which no one has ever heard of even though ½ the people who live in "LA" actually live in the Valley- that's why it sucks when LA decides to dump all their trash on the Valley- we've got enough of our own thanks very much. \
Ron walked by and heard Ginny talking to Draco and became very enraged- he was so upset that he made a gasping noise and some spittle went down the wrong tube. He passed out- unconscious. Hermione appeared from around the corner and rushed over to Ron. She rushed over and said to Ginny, "You! Go call 911." Ginny had no clue what she was talking about so she just stood there, but Hermione seemed to ignore this. She checked the situation around and Ron and was quickly able to discern the reason that Ron was unconscious. She checked for his pulse and found it. She then tilted his head back to open his airway and then gave him one firm breath. She pulled away, counted to five and administered another breath. She repeated the process until Ron gave a shaky breath and sat up.
"Wow! Hermione! You are such a good first aider! You totally know rescue breathing!" Ron told Hermione.
Right then Harry came around the corner. He was intently studying some random map he found somewhere- it doesn't really matter where. Professor Lupin came around the corner- he looked a little peaked to be honest, almost as if he needed some sun. He saw Harry reading the map and said, "Wow! Harry! You're really good at charting (maps)! You totally know how to read maps!"
Right then Hagrid came around the corner. He was carrying a kayaking paddle and was pretending to paddle his way down the hall. Sirius came around a corner and saw him paddling. (I don't know how Sirius got there- how he escaped dementors, death eaters, and certain things that happened in the 5th book, but it doesn't matter.) "Wow! Hagrid! You are such a good sailor! You know how to paddle!"
Oliver Woods came around the corner. He was marching and giving orders to himself in his head such as "right flank, march!" Luna Lovegood came around a corner and saw him marching. (A lot of corners in this part of Hogwarts I guess.) "Wow! Oliver! You are such a good driller! You totally know how to march!"
Draco and Ginny looked at each other rather oddly. They felt really left out. Why couldn't one of them be good at something? But alas- it was too late as there were no more corners in this part of Hogwarts. They both sighed. But not to despair- they were once again the center of attention when Ginny shared her wonderful idea with everyone. As expected everyone was totally ecstatic about going to California (Who wouldn't be- seriously?) and everyone headed upstairs to back.
They met each other at the front doors to Hogwarts and everyone was jumping around and excited about getting to the docks on time because they were taking a boat over there. Dumbledore happened to walk past them. He looked a little vacant as if he'd been smoking something…. "Yo! Harry, my man! What's up?" Dumbledore asked.
Harry looked a little surprised to see Dumbledore in such a state. "We're on our way to California to get tans. You got a problem with that old man?" Harry was beginning to get an attitude about the whole thing. There was NO WAY he was gonna let anyone stop him from getting a tan.
Dumbledore swayed a little on his feet and gave a twittering giggle. "I was just there myself man. Although I wasn't getting sunburned. I was getting baked." (that means high!) He swayed more on his feet and passed out. Hermione contemplated doing first aid but decided not to because they were already running late. So the 10 of them (Hagrid, Harry, Ron, Hermione, Oliver, Draco, Ginny, Luna, Sirius, and Lupin) headed out the door and to the docks.
None of them had ever been on a ship before but where totally excited about the numerous possibilities- like bunks the size of a pin with three inches… no two inches of space between them and vegetarian food, no milk, no eggs, no meat… and sea sicknesses… and the Bermuda Triangle. Oh yea, and toilets you can't put toilet paper down- there's a trash can you're supposed to put it all in. And there's a separate bathroom for pee and poop. The pee head and the poo head. (this is totally true)
During the weeklong trip Harry dropped his camera into the water and watched it sink while thinking to himself, "whose camera is this? God – that person is dumb for letting their camera fall into the water." Until he realized that the camera was his. Hagrid got bird poop on his brand new bikini, Ginny clogged the toilets when she forgot you weren't supposed to put toilet paper down there, Hermione had threatened to make love to her dog on Valentine's Day if Ron didn't ask her out, Sirius had made salsa and had stabbed Lupin in the arm when he started dancing salsa, Draco had gotten really bitchy; almost as if he had PMS, but it was okay because Luna had brought a huge box of super tampons, and every one had found out that Oliver had a huge snoring problem and that Ron was addicted to romance novels.
The ship docked in the San Fernando Valley harbor at 3:30 that Thursday. They had exited the boat terminal and had gotten one of the bright yellow taxis that always swarmed around boat terminals. They told the driver to take them to the San Fernando Valley Party House and he nodded his head and smiled. For the next half hour he drove through very crowded streets lined with thousands of identical houses. Finally he stopped at a house with the speakers blaring and several brand new BMW's parked in front. The ten of them stepped out the car.
The house was green with lots of foliage and a porch deck with an electric chair on it. This made Hermione slightly nervous but Ron shrugged it off insisting that it was perfectly normal for American's to have electric chairs on their front porch. Ron nodded his head and said, "Ahhh. Yes. I forgot that we were dealing with Americans now."
The door was answered by a very tall white guy who was standing in front of an identical white guy- twins! Wow! Guy twins! Wow! The two guys let the ten of them in without any questions and they were led into a den with a huge television, two comfy couches, and a billiards table. On the TV was an incredibly hot guy named Shane West who looked very upset about something that Mandy Moore had just told him.
One of the dozen or so girls on the couch yelled at the screen, "Cry Bitch, Cry." As if on command Harry began to tear slightly. This movie always made him so sad. Why did Jamie have to die? She was such a nice girl.
Another girl let out a shriek of glee and then said in a slightly sadistic voice, "It's because she loves JESUS! WOOHOO! She loves JESUS."
Ron was getting slightly nauseas at the mention of Jesus. You see, Ron was Catholic. It was totally obvious- all the signs were there you nincompoop. The red hair, the fact that they have no money, the trillion kids. They are so obviously Irish Catholic, or at least what British people think that Irish- Catholics are like. All they're missing is an alcoholic father. How could you not have noticed? And if you did- great observational skills.
The girls on the couch seemed to notice their visitors and simultaneously gave this huge cheer. They all started jumping up and down and singing a random song from Aladdin. The whole thing was lead by a short brown haired girl with glasses who was wearing a cheerleading skirt.
At the end they all sat down and stared at their visitors. Finally a really tall, thin, blond one with glasses (K, not B) stood up. It was obvious from looking at her that she was a total genius and that her older sister had no hope of ever being as smart as her (Sigh). She said, "It is my calculation that these new arrivals are just what we have been hoping for. I believe that they will help us to achieve our goal of gaining the huge honor of top ship at GAM." At the end of her speech Hermione caught her eye and they smiled at each other. They really were perfect for each other. Sigh again.
The ten guests smiled and said in unison, "We would, like, so love to, like, go to GAM and totally like help you win top ship." A huge cheer went up from the room because everything had been decided. Harry Potter and Hogwarts was going to GAM.
Next chapter: finishing up the "study session" and heading off to GAM. Ideas are more than welcome. Please help me everyone who liked the idea of the story. I need some more plot. What happens next?