The Final Frontier: Jackass
Cptn Picard: Welcome to Jackass. Engage!
(Worf shoots Picard in the crotch with a phaser set to "stun"- Picard falls down, clutching)
-----
(Geordi and Riker are in engineering- there's a ramp set up on one end of the upper deck)
Geordi: Dude, no way. There's no way you can make that.
Riker: Hi, I'm Will Riker, and this is a really stupid idea. (Riker gets on a tricycle) Gimmie a push, Geordi.
(Geordi pushes Riker to the ramp and Riker goes flying into the containment field. He bounces off and hits the floor.)
Riker: Aaaaaaaw, f**k!
-----
(Picard and Worf are outside someone's crew quarters)
Picard: Hey, I'm Jean-Luc Picard.
Worf: I'm Worf.
Picard: . and this is the Barbershop Quartet.
(Picard overrides the door and the camera goes in- we find ourselves in a dim room. Riker's asleep in his underpants. Worf takes out a hypospray and injects Riker. Together, he and Picard shave off Riker's beard.)
Picard: Tell me not to go on away missions, you arrogant prick.
(They run out with a baggie full of Riker's beard and approach another crewman's quarters)
Worf: Human women aren't hairy enough.
(Picard overrides another door and they enter Troi's quarters. Worf injects Troi like he did with Riker, and they both glue Riker's shaved facial hair onto Troi's face.)
Later that morning.
Riker: What the.hey, there's a f**kin' FOX underneath all that beard.
Meanwhile.
Troi: What the F**K? Q!
-----
Data: (sitting at the Ops terminal on the bridge) Watch this. (he pushes a button and an ensign dies) I can do that whenever I want. (pushes it three times) Hey. It's better than Tetris.
-----
(the camera shows a general bridge scene, everyone in their place, acting calm)
Picard: Fire.
(five seconds)
Picard: Fire.
(five seconds)
Picard: Fire.
(camera pans to the viewscreen- Picard is firing torpedoes into a wormhole)
Meanwhile, in the Delta quadrant.
Janeway: What the hell is going on, Tuvok?
Tuvok: Oh, leave me alone.
-----
(Riker's standing outside the holodeck)
Riker: All right, last night when Picard was asleep, we drug him out of his bed and stuck him in a holodeck replica of his room. This is gonna be great.
(camera is on Picard, who wakes up and walks to the replicator)
Picard: Earl Grey. Hot.
(the replicator pees tea all over the carpet)
Picard: In a cup! In a cup!
(Picard runs around looking for towels when, suddenly, the light on the ceiling breaks)
Picard: Dammit!
(. and tribbles start pouring from the ceiling)
Picard: What the hell. *taps his communicator* Geordi, what the f**k is going on?
Picard's Com Badge: We all live in a Yellow Submarine, a Yellow Submarine, a Yellow Submarine.
(suddenly, five Borg appear)
Borg #1: We are the Borg. You will be assimilated.
Picard: YAAH!
Borg #3: That's right, scream. Scream like a little bitch.
Picard: *starts crying*
Riker: End program.
(the holodeck is restored to its original state)
Picard: .
Riker: Come on, scream. Scream like a little bitch.
Picard: Your balls are mine, Riker.
Cptn Picard: Welcome to Jackass. Engage!
(Worf shoots Picard in the crotch with a phaser set to "stun"- Picard falls down, clutching)
-----
(Geordi and Riker are in engineering- there's a ramp set up on one end of the upper deck)
Geordi: Dude, no way. There's no way you can make that.
Riker: Hi, I'm Will Riker, and this is a really stupid idea. (Riker gets on a tricycle) Gimmie a push, Geordi.
(Geordi pushes Riker to the ramp and Riker goes flying into the containment field. He bounces off and hits the floor.)
Riker: Aaaaaaaw, f**k!
-----
(Picard and Worf are outside someone's crew quarters)
Picard: Hey, I'm Jean-Luc Picard.
Worf: I'm Worf.
Picard: . and this is the Barbershop Quartet.
(Picard overrides the door and the camera goes in- we find ourselves in a dim room. Riker's asleep in his underpants. Worf takes out a hypospray and injects Riker. Together, he and Picard shave off Riker's beard.)
Picard: Tell me not to go on away missions, you arrogant prick.
(They run out with a baggie full of Riker's beard and approach another crewman's quarters)
Worf: Human women aren't hairy enough.
(Picard overrides another door and they enter Troi's quarters. Worf injects Troi like he did with Riker, and they both glue Riker's shaved facial hair onto Troi's face.)
Later that morning.
Riker: What the.hey, there's a f**kin' FOX underneath all that beard.
Meanwhile.
Troi: What the F**K? Q!
-----
Data: (sitting at the Ops terminal on the bridge) Watch this. (he pushes a button and an ensign dies) I can do that whenever I want. (pushes it three times) Hey. It's better than Tetris.
-----
(the camera shows a general bridge scene, everyone in their place, acting calm)
Picard: Fire.
(five seconds)
Picard: Fire.
(five seconds)
Picard: Fire.
(camera pans to the viewscreen- Picard is firing torpedoes into a wormhole)
Meanwhile, in the Delta quadrant.
Janeway: What the hell is going on, Tuvok?
Tuvok: Oh, leave me alone.
-----
(Riker's standing outside the holodeck)
Riker: All right, last night when Picard was asleep, we drug him out of his bed and stuck him in a holodeck replica of his room. This is gonna be great.
(camera is on Picard, who wakes up and walks to the replicator)
Picard: Earl Grey. Hot.
(the replicator pees tea all over the carpet)
Picard: In a cup! In a cup!
(Picard runs around looking for towels when, suddenly, the light on the ceiling breaks)
Picard: Dammit!
(. and tribbles start pouring from the ceiling)
Picard: What the hell. *taps his communicator* Geordi, what the f**k is going on?
Picard's Com Badge: We all live in a Yellow Submarine, a Yellow Submarine, a Yellow Submarine.
(suddenly, five Borg appear)
Borg #1: We are the Borg. You will be assimilated.
Picard: YAAH!
Borg #3: That's right, scream. Scream like a little bitch.
Picard: *starts crying*
Riker: End program.
(the holodeck is restored to its original state)
Picard: .
Riker: Come on, scream. Scream like a little bitch.
Picard: Your balls are mine, Riker.