Wow! Got some pretty nasty reviews for this- oh well. Thanks to everyone who wrote reviews- even those who wrote bad ones. I think. Anyway. Disclaimer: I do not own any of these characters. I do not own any of these factual people. I do not own most of the plot. Thanks to Ashley, Jennifer (twice), Katie, Samantha. Once again I will say that most of the things in here are pretty weird and might not make sense to people who didn't experience them themselves. But I really appreciate anyone who ignores that and reads the story anyway and then reviews.
Once it had been decided that Harry, Hermione, Luna, Lupin, Sirius, Hagrid, Draco, Ginny, Ron, and Oliver were all going to go to GAM the "real" studying had to begin. Hot Girl #1 was in charge of the entire study session and decided that everyone should first study First Aid. Hermione was very happy about this.
Studying for First Aid involved watching the not so smart sister of the smart blond girl enact various sicknesses. She pulled at her eyelids until they drooped, stuck out her tongue, made gagging noises, pointed to her constantly sunburned arm, and fell on the floor. Hermione and the smart blond girl both shot their hands into the air and said at the same time, "Frostbite." It was totally obvious that she had had frostbite. Ron looked around him wondering how anyone could get frostbite in the San Fernando Valley. It was 96 degrees in the shade in the middle of April for God's sake.
After several more similar examples of Heat Stroke, Heat Exhaustion, Hypothermia, Hyperthermia, Sprain, Fractures, etc… the First Aid section was called off. Hot Girl #1 decided that it would be a perfect time to practice boating. Hagrid was very excited about this.
Since there was no lake in the back of Hot Girl #1's house boating would have to be practiced in her swimming pool. It took a few minutes to set the kayaks up in the swimming pool and by that time there was a huge bet going on who would win the first kayak race; Hagrid or …. Umm…. All of our kayakers graduated so we don't have any more. Hagrid is so going to win this race. Nevertheless Hot Girl #1 blew the whistle and Hagrid shot across the pool. In the three seconds it took Hagrid to get across the swimming pool, Angie had still not figured out the function of the black, double-bladed thing she held. Cheers went up on all sides at Hagrid's victory.
Next on the agenda was the rowboat race, but after several minutes of trying everyone was forced to give up with the realization that the rowboat was not going to magically float up from the bottom of the pool. (Where it had sunk to earlier.)
By the time they all got inside everyone was ready for some relaxation and some entertainment. The not so smart blond girl got out her guitar and began to sing,
"She sat her sister's hair on fire, sing Rickety-tickety-tin,
She sat her sister's hair on fire,
And as the flames grew higher and higher,
She danced around the funeral pyre,
While playing the violin, While playing the violin, 'olin"
The smart blond sister fingered her hair nervously as gruesome verse after gruesome verse ensued over the horrible ways in which the girl killed her sister. At the end of the song the only ones clapping were the guests from Hogwarts. Everyone else was glancing nervously between the two blonde sisters.
But all conflicts were forgotten as their leader, Sue, announced that S'mores were going to be made. Everyone rushed to the table to grab a marshmallow and a stick. As Ashleigh and Breanna stood over the fire Ashley said, "I hope mine gets really burned and crunchy." And Breanna said, "I hope mine stays white and firm, but gets a little cooked." After 20 seconds over the fire Brianna's marshmallow had burst into flame and looked like something from "Attack of the Way Over Burnt Marshmallow." After 20 minutes over the fire Ashley's marshmallow looked like it had just been taken out of the bag. That's the way marshmallows work. Seriously.
Over in a corner stood Kellie who was explaining to everyone that she was too fat- which is why she couldn't eat a s'more. Kellie had just recently gone all the way up to a size 0 so everyone could understand why she was panicking. (NOT!)
After everyone who wanted a marshmallow had eaten one it was time to get back to work. It was time to practice drill and Oliver was so excited. He got so excited he forgot about the hemorrhoids he'd recently developed and jumped in the air. This of course caused a seriously nasty breakout of the 'rhoids. The not so smart blond sister was an expert in reading symptoms of First Aid and she could easily detect that something was very wrong with Harry. (It actually wasn't that hard. Oliver had gotten a look on his face that was a cross of, "Shit! I've been reduced to making guest appearances on 'Harry Millionaire!," and, "I've just been forced to sit in Nancy's car and listen to Neil Diamond for the last hour!") So of course everyone had to examine Oliver's… problem area. Jennifer's hand immediately shot up in the air to volunteer for the job but promptly brought it down again before looking bashfully away. Nevertheless Oliver was eventually cured, but all through the Marching exercise he walked with a little sideways gait- which was actually okay because half the people couldn't tell their right from their left.
And finally Hot Girl #1 decided it was time for everyone to practice charting (which was unfortunately brought back to GAM this year. ?!!!). Haha- for once Harry has to come last. The not so smart blond girl was put in charge of it because she was the only person stupid enough to do this event more than once. She broke the larger group into smaller ones and the groups competed to see who could complete the question first. Not smart blond girl put Harry in her group and the two immediately set to work. 10 minutes later they had determined that the standard deviation of a vessel headed 45degrees Southeast on the 53 parallel was at 246degrees. The dead reckoning for a sailboat on the Prime Meridian was East at 36 degrees with a standard deviation of 16. They had plotted both the shortest and the simplest route from London to the San Fernando Valley by taking the cross- bearings and the plotter given on the chart.
In Group 2, Smart Blond Girl and Hermione would not have been that far behind if they hadn't stopped to wait until Hagrid could pronounce Standard Deviation properly. In Group 3 Tricia, Angie, and Breanna had given up 9 minutes and 57 seconds ago so that they could talk about….(let's not go there right now). In Group 4 Amanda A had finally figured out that she was supposed to put the ruler on the map. She wasn't sure what she was supposed to do with it once it was there, but it was there and it looked nice damnit! In Group 5 Susan was flipping through the 50000000000000 (about a zillion more zeroes) page long Sea Scout manual in an attempt to find out what the cross- bearings were. And in Group 6 Janette laughed nervously, glanced around to make sure no one was looking, and quickly jotted random numbers on her groups' paper to make it look like they'd accomplished something. (They had been painting their nails if you want to know.)
Afterwards two girls volunteered to practice knots while everyone else studied code flags. Hot Girl #1 held up a red flag with a yellow cross on it and said, "What flag is this and what does it mean?"
Jackie stood up and said, "It's Romeo and it doesn't mean anything."
Hot Girl #1: "And how do you know it doesn't have any meaning?"
Jackie: "Because it's a guy and guys mean nothing!"
Hagrid and Sirius both stood up simultaneously. Sirius said, "You go Girl!" and Hagrid said, "No! Harry is a fine young man and I lo…love this decorating!" Both sat down quickly and sat staring, as if transfixed, at the giant collection of pig memorabilia on display.
Hot Girl #1 next held up a white flag blue flag with a blue stripe running through it. "What's this and what does it mean. And how can you tell?" she asked.
Ron stood up and shouted, "It's Juliet because she and Romeo are in bed together and there's a sheet separating them! It means on fire because they are having perfectly wonderful, marvelous, splendid, mind-numbing SEX!"
Angie and Not so Smart Blond Girl immediately looked up from their discussion about the topic we won't discuss. "What?" they asked. After realizing it had just been a momentary thing they quickly turned back to the conversation about the topic we won't discuss here. (Maybe later. No. Definitely later. ?)
Hot Girl #1 decided that the rest of the Code Flags were not as interesting as those two so she decided that everyone should study bells times and watches. (Because that's so much more enthralling.) "Okay! So you went on a date at 1800 hours, went to see a two hour movie, and then went down to your yacht to… watch… a movie and then fell asleep. If you wake up to hear 3 bells, what time is it and how many years will you be grounded for for breaking curfew?"
Sirius raises his hand in the air and madly starts waving it around. He knows this one because this same exact thing happened to him back when he went to Hogwarts except they didn't watch a movie. For God's sake- who goes to their yacht with a date to watch a movie? These Girl Scouts sure are innocent and naïve. Since everyone else has started their own private conversations in small groups and hasn't heard a word Hot Girl #1 has said she decides to call on Sirius. He stands up and proudly says. "It's 1:30 a.m. and I will be grounded for three years."
Madison turns around from her conversation (apparently it wasn't that interesting- it must have been one with Susan and Samantha ?) and gasps. "That's not fair! When I did that I was grounded for 5 years!" Kellie puts her arm around her to comfort her as she bursts into tears. Everyone else pauses for a split second before rejoining their previous conversation.
Hot Girl #1 begins to realize that she needs to gain control of the troop so she takes out the troops tiny two inch blue and orange teddy bears and begins to throw them at people to make them shut up. Just because it has never really worked before, she can't seem to figure out why it's not working now. She hits Joelle in the back and Joelle turns around briefly before forgetting why she'd turned around in the first place.
Hot Girl #1 sighs loudly and decides that there is only one last possibly way for her to restore order to the group. "Everyone Shut UP!!! I have an important announcement! There is another group of people coming with us to GAM!"
All the Girl Scouts look up excitedly and expectantly at Hot Girl #1 while Harry and the gang (but they're in no way Harry's gang because if they were a gang Harry would so not be the leader!) got rather nervous. They were the guests here damnit! No one else was supposed to come in and steal the position from them. They wanted the guest benefits.
"Who's coming?" Everyone asked.
Lauren paused for dramatic affect and said, "The Australian male strip group Thunder From Down Under!!!!"
The group went wild as all the Girl Scouts, plus Hagrid and Snape (the last time they'd seen the group both had been a little tipsy after a long night in a sleazy hotel in Vegas) began to jump and cheer wildly.
Next up, in case you couldn't guess, comes a little more excitement- not to mention an R rating probably. Yea!!!
Thanks for all the people who encouraged (nagged is really more like it) me to continue writing the story. I hope I didn't disappoint- and if I did feel free to make suggestion for the next chapter which will probably come out in… whenever I get around to it. Hey! This is way harder than it seemed when we were all half drunk at Farrell's. Give me a break. Thanks for reading- hope you enjoyed. Sorry about the verb tense switches Mr. Wilf.
Once it had been decided that Harry, Hermione, Luna, Lupin, Sirius, Hagrid, Draco, Ginny, Ron, and Oliver were all going to go to GAM the "real" studying had to begin. Hot Girl #1 was in charge of the entire study session and decided that everyone should first study First Aid. Hermione was very happy about this.
Studying for First Aid involved watching the not so smart sister of the smart blond girl enact various sicknesses. She pulled at her eyelids until they drooped, stuck out her tongue, made gagging noises, pointed to her constantly sunburned arm, and fell on the floor. Hermione and the smart blond girl both shot their hands into the air and said at the same time, "Frostbite." It was totally obvious that she had had frostbite. Ron looked around him wondering how anyone could get frostbite in the San Fernando Valley. It was 96 degrees in the shade in the middle of April for God's sake.
After several more similar examples of Heat Stroke, Heat Exhaustion, Hypothermia, Hyperthermia, Sprain, Fractures, etc… the First Aid section was called off. Hot Girl #1 decided that it would be a perfect time to practice boating. Hagrid was very excited about this.
Since there was no lake in the back of Hot Girl #1's house boating would have to be practiced in her swimming pool. It took a few minutes to set the kayaks up in the swimming pool and by that time there was a huge bet going on who would win the first kayak race; Hagrid or …. Umm…. All of our kayakers graduated so we don't have any more. Hagrid is so going to win this race. Nevertheless Hot Girl #1 blew the whistle and Hagrid shot across the pool. In the three seconds it took Hagrid to get across the swimming pool, Angie had still not figured out the function of the black, double-bladed thing she held. Cheers went up on all sides at Hagrid's victory.
Next on the agenda was the rowboat race, but after several minutes of trying everyone was forced to give up with the realization that the rowboat was not going to magically float up from the bottom of the pool. (Where it had sunk to earlier.)
By the time they all got inside everyone was ready for some relaxation and some entertainment. The not so smart blond girl got out her guitar and began to sing,
"She sat her sister's hair on fire, sing Rickety-tickety-tin,
She sat her sister's hair on fire,
And as the flames grew higher and higher,
She danced around the funeral pyre,
While playing the violin, While playing the violin, 'olin"
The smart blond sister fingered her hair nervously as gruesome verse after gruesome verse ensued over the horrible ways in which the girl killed her sister. At the end of the song the only ones clapping were the guests from Hogwarts. Everyone else was glancing nervously between the two blonde sisters.
But all conflicts were forgotten as their leader, Sue, announced that S'mores were going to be made. Everyone rushed to the table to grab a marshmallow and a stick. As Ashleigh and Breanna stood over the fire Ashley said, "I hope mine gets really burned and crunchy." And Breanna said, "I hope mine stays white and firm, but gets a little cooked." After 20 seconds over the fire Brianna's marshmallow had burst into flame and looked like something from "Attack of the Way Over Burnt Marshmallow." After 20 minutes over the fire Ashley's marshmallow looked like it had just been taken out of the bag. That's the way marshmallows work. Seriously.
Over in a corner stood Kellie who was explaining to everyone that she was too fat- which is why she couldn't eat a s'more. Kellie had just recently gone all the way up to a size 0 so everyone could understand why she was panicking. (NOT!)
After everyone who wanted a marshmallow had eaten one it was time to get back to work. It was time to practice drill and Oliver was so excited. He got so excited he forgot about the hemorrhoids he'd recently developed and jumped in the air. This of course caused a seriously nasty breakout of the 'rhoids. The not so smart blond sister was an expert in reading symptoms of First Aid and she could easily detect that something was very wrong with Harry. (It actually wasn't that hard. Oliver had gotten a look on his face that was a cross of, "Shit! I've been reduced to making guest appearances on 'Harry Millionaire!," and, "I've just been forced to sit in Nancy's car and listen to Neil Diamond for the last hour!") So of course everyone had to examine Oliver's… problem area. Jennifer's hand immediately shot up in the air to volunteer for the job but promptly brought it down again before looking bashfully away. Nevertheless Oliver was eventually cured, but all through the Marching exercise he walked with a little sideways gait- which was actually okay because half the people couldn't tell their right from their left.
And finally Hot Girl #1 decided it was time for everyone to practice charting (which was unfortunately brought back to GAM this year. ?!!!). Haha- for once Harry has to come last. The not so smart blond girl was put in charge of it because she was the only person stupid enough to do this event more than once. She broke the larger group into smaller ones and the groups competed to see who could complete the question first. Not smart blond girl put Harry in her group and the two immediately set to work. 10 minutes later they had determined that the standard deviation of a vessel headed 45degrees Southeast on the 53 parallel was at 246degrees. The dead reckoning for a sailboat on the Prime Meridian was East at 36 degrees with a standard deviation of 16. They had plotted both the shortest and the simplest route from London to the San Fernando Valley by taking the cross- bearings and the plotter given on the chart.
In Group 2, Smart Blond Girl and Hermione would not have been that far behind if they hadn't stopped to wait until Hagrid could pronounce Standard Deviation properly. In Group 3 Tricia, Angie, and Breanna had given up 9 minutes and 57 seconds ago so that they could talk about….(let's not go there right now). In Group 4 Amanda A had finally figured out that she was supposed to put the ruler on the map. She wasn't sure what she was supposed to do with it once it was there, but it was there and it looked nice damnit! In Group 5 Susan was flipping through the 50000000000000 (about a zillion more zeroes) page long Sea Scout manual in an attempt to find out what the cross- bearings were. And in Group 6 Janette laughed nervously, glanced around to make sure no one was looking, and quickly jotted random numbers on her groups' paper to make it look like they'd accomplished something. (They had been painting their nails if you want to know.)
Afterwards two girls volunteered to practice knots while everyone else studied code flags. Hot Girl #1 held up a red flag with a yellow cross on it and said, "What flag is this and what does it mean?"
Jackie stood up and said, "It's Romeo and it doesn't mean anything."
Hot Girl #1: "And how do you know it doesn't have any meaning?"
Jackie: "Because it's a guy and guys mean nothing!"
Hagrid and Sirius both stood up simultaneously. Sirius said, "You go Girl!" and Hagrid said, "No! Harry is a fine young man and I lo…love this decorating!" Both sat down quickly and sat staring, as if transfixed, at the giant collection of pig memorabilia on display.
Hot Girl #1 next held up a white flag blue flag with a blue stripe running through it. "What's this and what does it mean. And how can you tell?" she asked.
Ron stood up and shouted, "It's Juliet because she and Romeo are in bed together and there's a sheet separating them! It means on fire because they are having perfectly wonderful, marvelous, splendid, mind-numbing SEX!"
Angie and Not so Smart Blond Girl immediately looked up from their discussion about the topic we won't discuss. "What?" they asked. After realizing it had just been a momentary thing they quickly turned back to the conversation about the topic we won't discuss here. (Maybe later. No. Definitely later. ?)
Hot Girl #1 decided that the rest of the Code Flags were not as interesting as those two so she decided that everyone should study bells times and watches. (Because that's so much more enthralling.) "Okay! So you went on a date at 1800 hours, went to see a two hour movie, and then went down to your yacht to… watch… a movie and then fell asleep. If you wake up to hear 3 bells, what time is it and how many years will you be grounded for for breaking curfew?"
Sirius raises his hand in the air and madly starts waving it around. He knows this one because this same exact thing happened to him back when he went to Hogwarts except they didn't watch a movie. For God's sake- who goes to their yacht with a date to watch a movie? These Girl Scouts sure are innocent and naïve. Since everyone else has started their own private conversations in small groups and hasn't heard a word Hot Girl #1 has said she decides to call on Sirius. He stands up and proudly says. "It's 1:30 a.m. and I will be grounded for three years."
Madison turns around from her conversation (apparently it wasn't that interesting- it must have been one with Susan and Samantha ?) and gasps. "That's not fair! When I did that I was grounded for 5 years!" Kellie puts her arm around her to comfort her as she bursts into tears. Everyone else pauses for a split second before rejoining their previous conversation.
Hot Girl #1 begins to realize that she needs to gain control of the troop so she takes out the troops tiny two inch blue and orange teddy bears and begins to throw them at people to make them shut up. Just because it has never really worked before, she can't seem to figure out why it's not working now. She hits Joelle in the back and Joelle turns around briefly before forgetting why she'd turned around in the first place.
Hot Girl #1 sighs loudly and decides that there is only one last possibly way for her to restore order to the group. "Everyone Shut UP!!! I have an important announcement! There is another group of people coming with us to GAM!"
All the Girl Scouts look up excitedly and expectantly at Hot Girl #1 while Harry and the gang (but they're in no way Harry's gang because if they were a gang Harry would so not be the leader!) got rather nervous. They were the guests here damnit! No one else was supposed to come in and steal the position from them. They wanted the guest benefits.
"Who's coming?" Everyone asked.
Lauren paused for dramatic affect and said, "The Australian male strip group Thunder From Down Under!!!!"
The group went wild as all the Girl Scouts, plus Hagrid and Snape (the last time they'd seen the group both had been a little tipsy after a long night in a sleazy hotel in Vegas) began to jump and cheer wildly.
Next up, in case you couldn't guess, comes a little more excitement- not to mention an R rating probably. Yea!!!
Thanks for all the people who encouraged (nagged is really more like it) me to continue writing the story. I hope I didn't disappoint- and if I did feel free to make suggestion for the next chapter which will probably come out in… whenever I get around to it. Hey! This is way harder than it seemed when we were all half drunk at Farrell's. Give me a break. Thanks for reading- hope you enjoyed. Sorry about the verb tense switches Mr. Wilf.