A/N Hey y'all. Its late. This is bad. Read anyway. Its possibly the longest
thing ive ever written. Have fun. Review at the end. Good night.
Disclaimer: I only own the plot.
A Makeshift Shawl
I was cold. And I couldnt sleep. Not surprising really. I was just back at Hogwarts after a summer in Florida. My parents really couldnt afford it, but they wanted to do something special for my last summer with them. I was in my seventh year at Hogwarts, and after this, I was leaving to do who know what who knows where. Florida was fun. Disney was awesome. Petunia found something to moan about, as always, but hey, you really couldnt blame her. She did rather get pushed to the back, what with me being a witch and all in a family of muggles. Things didnt go so well for her. She liked and needed love and attention. I, on the other hand, could live without it. But, as life goes, I was the one who got it. I felt sorry for her. Ive tried to reach her, to make amends so many times, but she wont let me. Oh well. The way I see it, her loss. Im really not that bad of a person. But anyway, back to the point.
Alright, so Ive explained that I was cold because of my drastic climate change, and as for the "I couldnt sleep thing," I can almost never sleep. Im nocturnal. Either that or an insomniac. Ive had a lot on my mind. Its my last year depending on others to get me food and shelter and clothing and such, and I still didnt know what I was going to do when I was on my own. My friends werent helping. Amanda, Gery, and even quiet little Castilla (pronounced cass-TEE- ya. Her parents named her that. They thought it was pretty. She hates it. So we call her Froggy. We've yet to remember why) are all preoccupied with other things. Boyfriends. Ugh. Those three boys were going to be the end of me and my sanity. Thats all 'Manda, Gery, and Froggy talk about! Its always "Remus this" and "Sirius that" and "Oh Lily! You wont believe what Peter did at lunch!" Because thats who my ever faithful friends were dating. The majority of "The Marauders," as the group had ridiculously named themselves. The only one left was the ringleader himself. Amazingly, James was the only one without a girlfriend. He could have any girl he wanted (and some of the boys, too, but he doesnt swing that way, so lets not get into that), and knew it. It drove me mad, and made the other even more driven to set me up, including him.
James had liked me ever since he acquired hormones (I know he had them since birth, but acquired sounds best), around second year, earlier than most. But he waited until Fifth year to start asking me out. Over those years, he had dated numerous girls and dropped them as quickly as if he were playing hot-potato with human females. I've said no every time he asked me. He's not my type. Actually though, he's surprised me this year. We've been back about a month or so, and he hasn't even talked to me. Maybe hes come to his senses, if he has any. Oh well. All the better for me. But back to the present predicament: blue toes and a case of insomnia.
I decided that a heavy reading of a boring book session was in order to help me sleep. I also decided that I should go down to the common room to do it, so I wouldnt wake the others (well, so I wouldnt wake the others minus Gery. She had yet to appear from her date with Sirius. Oh, and since I havent clarified it, Amanda, sweet and caring, is going out with Remus, quiet and gentle. Gery, brazen and bold, is going out with Sirius, cocky and lovable. Froggy, the girl who fell to the back of a crowd, was going with Peter, the fly in the soup). The fire that was constantly roaring would solve the chilliness problem as well. That said, I was still reluctant to leave the warmth of my bed. I slipped out of the sheets as quiet as a clumsy mouse with moose hooves (do mooses have hooves? I dont know, but for now they do). I slipped on my slippers and grabbed my banana yellow shawl that I got in the Florida Keys over the summer to wrap around my shoulders. I also grabbed "Hogwarts, A History," possibly the most boring book to ever hit the library's shelves.
I was as quiet as I could be tiptoeing down the stairs, but even so, I tripped once or twice in the darkness. I was grateful for the light the fire provided once I was fully in the common room. I slid into one of the armchairs, cushy and worn from decades of students sitting on it in various different positions. I settled for curling my feet to the side of me, enjoying the warmth given to me in combination by the fire, my slippers, and my yellow shawl, which looked very supportive of Gryffindor where it brushed my ruby red hair. My eyes were Slytherin green, though, but that was all right. Most of the time I choose to describe them as grass green, or such, but since I was using Houses as adjectives, it seemed appropriate.
I opened my book to my bookmark. I often used this book to help me fall asleep. It worked its magic, because halfway through my first sentence, my eyelids began to drop, and I was eased into a gentle stupor. I'm not sure how long I lay in this torpor, but I remember how I was awakened.
Cccccrrrrrrreeeeeeaaaaaaakkkk went one of the old window frames, set into the ancient stone by magic unknown and unused by all except perhaps Dumbledore. I slowly turned my head, coming out of my dream-like state gradually as I did. By the time my head turned all the way around, though, my mind was still somewhat lagging, for I didnt register what I saw at first. Then it hit me.
"James Potter! What are you doing?" I hissed to the seventeen year old as he proceeded to climb the rest of the way into the common room, finally pulling his broomstick in behind him.
"Hey, Lily," he said, halfway through the window. His black hair was ruffled, and his dark eyes betrayed exhausted excitement that was beginning to die down.
"You havent answered my question! What in the name of holy cheese are you doing?" I asked, somewhat panicked. I didnt know why I was panicked. Perhaps because he was Head Boy and he was breaking so many rules, and as Head Girl I had to turn him in. Perhaps because he would ask me out, ending the wonderful break from it. Perhaps simply having to spend time alone with him.
"Holy cheese?" he asked, avoiding the question. "What kind of phrase is that?"
"I made it up at a church party where they were serving Swiss cheese when I was four," I said dismissively. "Please answer the question."
"Fine. I couldnt sleep, so I snuck out for a round on my broom. Happy? Now you can go turn me in." James was surprisingly bitter. It made me wonder if he had similar reasons to mine that he couldnt sleep. I was determined to find out.
"I wont turn you in. Maybe. Why couldnt you sleep?"
"Full mind, I guess. Why do you ask, you nosey little busybody?" He snapped. I drew back. Only one person had ever spoken to me like that: Petunia. And she had a reason. Potter, on the other had, had none.
"How dare you speak to me like that! I am Head Girl, and equal to you! You know better than to treat me like an inferior!" I shouted, though still managed to keep the volume at quiet conversation level.
James sighed and hung his head. "Youre right. I do know better. I'm sorry. I just have a lot on my mind right now."
Whatever I was expecting, it wasnt an apology, and I was perhaps more taken aback than if hed snapped again. I motioned for him to sit on the couch next to me. Another unexpected thing happened: he complied.
"Wanna tell me about it?" I asked uncertainly. We had never been friends before, but never quite enemies, so I guess it was okay for me to take a step towards friendship. He had been acting nicely toward me, so perhaps I wasnt making the first step.
"No!" He said quickly, his eyes clouding over. "Well, actually, yes, if you dont mind. You're gonna think I'm ridiculous, but hey, whatve I got to lose?"
I wasnt sure what to say to this, so I just let him continue.
"I've liked you since Second year. A really long time. I been asking you out for years now. Every time the answer is the same: no. I began to expect it after a while, almost depend on it. Fifth year, I grew serious about you. I started thinking about you a lot in my spare time. Sixth year, I was even more serious. I stopped dating. I only asked for your hand. I thought about you more in my spare time, and even in my busy times. All that time, I never stopped asking. All that time, you never said yes. So this summer, Ive been thinking. I could have any girl I want, except the one I want. So I just decided to give up. Stop trying. You didnt want me. I didnt want another girl. So Ive given up a love life for a few year, until I get over you. Its going to take a while. Ive liked you for six years. Youve been apart of my heart for six years. Youve slowly ripped that part of my heart off for six years. Wounds like that take a long time to heal. A really long time," He finished his speech and hung his head. "I cant believe I said that. But now you know why I snapped. It hurts to be around you." He got up to go, but I grabbed his arm. He looked back at me, something bordering on hope glimmering in her eyes.
"No! I mean, please stay. Even if we cant be... you know, a couple, we can still be friends cant we? It cant hurt to try." I said, almost desperately.
"Actually, Lily, it can. Being around you can work two ways: It could make me so happy I wanna soar into the sky, or it could make me even more miserable, to have you so close, yet just that much farther out of reach." James replied sadly.
"Okay, now your starting to sound like a poet. Dont go all Shakespeare on me. It gives me a headache. But really now, what life without risk. I'm sure you know all about risk... " I trailed off. Sure, I was sinking low, going all the way down to bare flattery just to get him to calm down, but for some reason, it meant a lot to me that he be alright.
"Oh yeah! Remember that Quidditch game in Fifth Year? The one for the cup?" James was starting to get excited, to get some of his spark back.
"Um... I think so. The one where you asked me out after and I said... well... no?" I answered, pretending to be as excited as he was.
"Yeah, that the one. Remember when I... " For about a half hour he went on, describing various Quidditch games and all of the risky moves he had done as the Seeker. James was definitely perking up, but the fire was going down taking away my precious warmth. By the time he petered off, what had once been a roaring inferno of flames was now down to its barest cinders. Neither of us could stoke it, with our wands being upstairs and no poker do- hickies lying about. James took no notice, but I, on the other hand, began to shiver. During his monologue, he had repeatedly sat down and jumped up to demonstrate moves, once even soaring about the common room on the broom that he had so recently used to break the rules. At this point, he was sitting down on the couch where I had moved for a reason that I dont remember next to me, and consequently felt my tremors.
"Oh? Are you cold? But you have a shawl," the Quidditch obsessed boy who was now my friend (thanks to my own cleverness) said.
"I know. I got it in the Florida Keys. Its not that warm," I managed to get out (not counting if I was coherent or not) through chattering teeth.
"Oh, well, that would explain the color. Um... here... " James proceeded to search about the common room for a blanket, but came up empty handed.
"Uh oh, well, I guess this will have to do!" He tackled me in a giant bear hug. I screeched, but he wouldnt let me up from under his weight. I guess he was alright with us being friends! And to tell you the truth, I didnt mind terribly. James isnt so bad when hes not asking you out every count of ten. Eventually, he did let me sit up right again, but left one arm draped about my shoulders, "so your toes wont turn blue," he claimed. I doubted an arm around the upper part of my body would keep my toes from turning colors, but the thought was nice. We sat in silence for a few, peaceful moments, watching the fire and not thinking about anything at all.
"You know," I said finally, breaking the serenity. "I think a fire is at its prettiest when its just embers. All of the colors and the sparks. Its rather a wonder."
"Yeah... Yeah, I think I agree," James said peacefully.
"But I think its even better because your here."
"Really?"
"Yeah. And I mean it too. Your something else when your arent being annoying."
"When have I ever annoyed you?"
"When you ask me out every other breath."
"Oh."
"But thats okay. Because I dont think youll do that anymore."
"Neither do I"
"Good"
"Yeah... good... "
That was pretty much our sleepy conversation. A lot of air and not much substance, but plenty of meaning. And for all the fire was all but dead, I was warm encased in his arm. I snuggled in closer and rested my head on his shoulder. He laid his jet black crown atop my firey red one. We sat in silence for a few more minutes before James broke the silence.
"Hey, Lily?"
"Yeah?"
"What would you say if I asked you out again? Not that I am, but still. I cant help but wonder."
"I dont know. Probably Ill think about it. Maybe no. But its more likely id say yes."
"It is?"
"Yeah."
More silence. Strange how the most life-altering conversation of my life was mostly nothing at all.
"Hey, James?"
"Uh huh."
"I think Id go out with you if we didnt go out."
"What?"
"I dont like the phrase "go out." It sounds like what you did with all of the other girls that you dated for like a week then moved on. I want it to last, to have meaning. So maybe if we called it something else..."
"Like what?"
"I dont know. Maybe just say were a couple. Or that were dating. Or something like that. Even that your courting me. Anything but go out."
"All right then. I'll ask you tomorrow maybe."
"Its no fun if you tell me in advance."
"Okay. I wont ask you tomorrow, but I will ask you sometime in the next week."
"Thats better."
"Will you say yes?"
"Uh huh" I yawned.
"You tired?"
Yep. You?"
"Yeah. Lets sleep now."
"Okay. But James?"
"Yeah Lily?"
"Lets name him Harry."
"All right."
And we fell asleep. Right as we were. Later on, Gery and Sirius crept in, and they say they never saw a more beautiful and "meant-to-be" sight in their lives. And, just in case your wondering, James asked me out that Wednesday after Herbology.
And I said yes.
And we named him Harry.
Disclaimer: I only own the plot.
A Makeshift Shawl
I was cold. And I couldnt sleep. Not surprising really. I was just back at Hogwarts after a summer in Florida. My parents really couldnt afford it, but they wanted to do something special for my last summer with them. I was in my seventh year at Hogwarts, and after this, I was leaving to do who know what who knows where. Florida was fun. Disney was awesome. Petunia found something to moan about, as always, but hey, you really couldnt blame her. She did rather get pushed to the back, what with me being a witch and all in a family of muggles. Things didnt go so well for her. She liked and needed love and attention. I, on the other hand, could live without it. But, as life goes, I was the one who got it. I felt sorry for her. Ive tried to reach her, to make amends so many times, but she wont let me. Oh well. The way I see it, her loss. Im really not that bad of a person. But anyway, back to the point.
Alright, so Ive explained that I was cold because of my drastic climate change, and as for the "I couldnt sleep thing," I can almost never sleep. Im nocturnal. Either that or an insomniac. Ive had a lot on my mind. Its my last year depending on others to get me food and shelter and clothing and such, and I still didnt know what I was going to do when I was on my own. My friends werent helping. Amanda, Gery, and even quiet little Castilla (pronounced cass-TEE- ya. Her parents named her that. They thought it was pretty. She hates it. So we call her Froggy. We've yet to remember why) are all preoccupied with other things. Boyfriends. Ugh. Those three boys were going to be the end of me and my sanity. Thats all 'Manda, Gery, and Froggy talk about! Its always "Remus this" and "Sirius that" and "Oh Lily! You wont believe what Peter did at lunch!" Because thats who my ever faithful friends were dating. The majority of "The Marauders," as the group had ridiculously named themselves. The only one left was the ringleader himself. Amazingly, James was the only one without a girlfriend. He could have any girl he wanted (and some of the boys, too, but he doesnt swing that way, so lets not get into that), and knew it. It drove me mad, and made the other even more driven to set me up, including him.
James had liked me ever since he acquired hormones (I know he had them since birth, but acquired sounds best), around second year, earlier than most. But he waited until Fifth year to start asking me out. Over those years, he had dated numerous girls and dropped them as quickly as if he were playing hot-potato with human females. I've said no every time he asked me. He's not my type. Actually though, he's surprised me this year. We've been back about a month or so, and he hasn't even talked to me. Maybe hes come to his senses, if he has any. Oh well. All the better for me. But back to the present predicament: blue toes and a case of insomnia.
I decided that a heavy reading of a boring book session was in order to help me sleep. I also decided that I should go down to the common room to do it, so I wouldnt wake the others (well, so I wouldnt wake the others minus Gery. She had yet to appear from her date with Sirius. Oh, and since I havent clarified it, Amanda, sweet and caring, is going out with Remus, quiet and gentle. Gery, brazen and bold, is going out with Sirius, cocky and lovable. Froggy, the girl who fell to the back of a crowd, was going with Peter, the fly in the soup). The fire that was constantly roaring would solve the chilliness problem as well. That said, I was still reluctant to leave the warmth of my bed. I slipped out of the sheets as quiet as a clumsy mouse with moose hooves (do mooses have hooves? I dont know, but for now they do). I slipped on my slippers and grabbed my banana yellow shawl that I got in the Florida Keys over the summer to wrap around my shoulders. I also grabbed "Hogwarts, A History," possibly the most boring book to ever hit the library's shelves.
I was as quiet as I could be tiptoeing down the stairs, but even so, I tripped once or twice in the darkness. I was grateful for the light the fire provided once I was fully in the common room. I slid into one of the armchairs, cushy and worn from decades of students sitting on it in various different positions. I settled for curling my feet to the side of me, enjoying the warmth given to me in combination by the fire, my slippers, and my yellow shawl, which looked very supportive of Gryffindor where it brushed my ruby red hair. My eyes were Slytherin green, though, but that was all right. Most of the time I choose to describe them as grass green, or such, but since I was using Houses as adjectives, it seemed appropriate.
I opened my book to my bookmark. I often used this book to help me fall asleep. It worked its magic, because halfway through my first sentence, my eyelids began to drop, and I was eased into a gentle stupor. I'm not sure how long I lay in this torpor, but I remember how I was awakened.
Cccccrrrrrrreeeeeeaaaaaaakkkk went one of the old window frames, set into the ancient stone by magic unknown and unused by all except perhaps Dumbledore. I slowly turned my head, coming out of my dream-like state gradually as I did. By the time my head turned all the way around, though, my mind was still somewhat lagging, for I didnt register what I saw at first. Then it hit me.
"James Potter! What are you doing?" I hissed to the seventeen year old as he proceeded to climb the rest of the way into the common room, finally pulling his broomstick in behind him.
"Hey, Lily," he said, halfway through the window. His black hair was ruffled, and his dark eyes betrayed exhausted excitement that was beginning to die down.
"You havent answered my question! What in the name of holy cheese are you doing?" I asked, somewhat panicked. I didnt know why I was panicked. Perhaps because he was Head Boy and he was breaking so many rules, and as Head Girl I had to turn him in. Perhaps because he would ask me out, ending the wonderful break from it. Perhaps simply having to spend time alone with him.
"Holy cheese?" he asked, avoiding the question. "What kind of phrase is that?"
"I made it up at a church party where they were serving Swiss cheese when I was four," I said dismissively. "Please answer the question."
"Fine. I couldnt sleep, so I snuck out for a round on my broom. Happy? Now you can go turn me in." James was surprisingly bitter. It made me wonder if he had similar reasons to mine that he couldnt sleep. I was determined to find out.
"I wont turn you in. Maybe. Why couldnt you sleep?"
"Full mind, I guess. Why do you ask, you nosey little busybody?" He snapped. I drew back. Only one person had ever spoken to me like that: Petunia. And she had a reason. Potter, on the other had, had none.
"How dare you speak to me like that! I am Head Girl, and equal to you! You know better than to treat me like an inferior!" I shouted, though still managed to keep the volume at quiet conversation level.
James sighed and hung his head. "Youre right. I do know better. I'm sorry. I just have a lot on my mind right now."
Whatever I was expecting, it wasnt an apology, and I was perhaps more taken aback than if hed snapped again. I motioned for him to sit on the couch next to me. Another unexpected thing happened: he complied.
"Wanna tell me about it?" I asked uncertainly. We had never been friends before, but never quite enemies, so I guess it was okay for me to take a step towards friendship. He had been acting nicely toward me, so perhaps I wasnt making the first step.
"No!" He said quickly, his eyes clouding over. "Well, actually, yes, if you dont mind. You're gonna think I'm ridiculous, but hey, whatve I got to lose?"
I wasnt sure what to say to this, so I just let him continue.
"I've liked you since Second year. A really long time. I been asking you out for years now. Every time the answer is the same: no. I began to expect it after a while, almost depend on it. Fifth year, I grew serious about you. I started thinking about you a lot in my spare time. Sixth year, I was even more serious. I stopped dating. I only asked for your hand. I thought about you more in my spare time, and even in my busy times. All that time, I never stopped asking. All that time, you never said yes. So this summer, Ive been thinking. I could have any girl I want, except the one I want. So I just decided to give up. Stop trying. You didnt want me. I didnt want another girl. So Ive given up a love life for a few year, until I get over you. Its going to take a while. Ive liked you for six years. Youve been apart of my heart for six years. Youve slowly ripped that part of my heart off for six years. Wounds like that take a long time to heal. A really long time," He finished his speech and hung his head. "I cant believe I said that. But now you know why I snapped. It hurts to be around you." He got up to go, but I grabbed his arm. He looked back at me, something bordering on hope glimmering in her eyes.
"No! I mean, please stay. Even if we cant be... you know, a couple, we can still be friends cant we? It cant hurt to try." I said, almost desperately.
"Actually, Lily, it can. Being around you can work two ways: It could make me so happy I wanna soar into the sky, or it could make me even more miserable, to have you so close, yet just that much farther out of reach." James replied sadly.
"Okay, now your starting to sound like a poet. Dont go all Shakespeare on me. It gives me a headache. But really now, what life without risk. I'm sure you know all about risk... " I trailed off. Sure, I was sinking low, going all the way down to bare flattery just to get him to calm down, but for some reason, it meant a lot to me that he be alright.
"Oh yeah! Remember that Quidditch game in Fifth Year? The one for the cup?" James was starting to get excited, to get some of his spark back.
"Um... I think so. The one where you asked me out after and I said... well... no?" I answered, pretending to be as excited as he was.
"Yeah, that the one. Remember when I... " For about a half hour he went on, describing various Quidditch games and all of the risky moves he had done as the Seeker. James was definitely perking up, but the fire was going down taking away my precious warmth. By the time he petered off, what had once been a roaring inferno of flames was now down to its barest cinders. Neither of us could stoke it, with our wands being upstairs and no poker do- hickies lying about. James took no notice, but I, on the other hand, began to shiver. During his monologue, he had repeatedly sat down and jumped up to demonstrate moves, once even soaring about the common room on the broom that he had so recently used to break the rules. At this point, he was sitting down on the couch where I had moved for a reason that I dont remember next to me, and consequently felt my tremors.
"Oh? Are you cold? But you have a shawl," the Quidditch obsessed boy who was now my friend (thanks to my own cleverness) said.
"I know. I got it in the Florida Keys. Its not that warm," I managed to get out (not counting if I was coherent or not) through chattering teeth.
"Oh, well, that would explain the color. Um... here... " James proceeded to search about the common room for a blanket, but came up empty handed.
"Uh oh, well, I guess this will have to do!" He tackled me in a giant bear hug. I screeched, but he wouldnt let me up from under his weight. I guess he was alright with us being friends! And to tell you the truth, I didnt mind terribly. James isnt so bad when hes not asking you out every count of ten. Eventually, he did let me sit up right again, but left one arm draped about my shoulders, "so your toes wont turn blue," he claimed. I doubted an arm around the upper part of my body would keep my toes from turning colors, but the thought was nice. We sat in silence for a few, peaceful moments, watching the fire and not thinking about anything at all.
"You know," I said finally, breaking the serenity. "I think a fire is at its prettiest when its just embers. All of the colors and the sparks. Its rather a wonder."
"Yeah... Yeah, I think I agree," James said peacefully.
"But I think its even better because your here."
"Really?"
"Yeah. And I mean it too. Your something else when your arent being annoying."
"When have I ever annoyed you?"
"When you ask me out every other breath."
"Oh."
"But thats okay. Because I dont think youll do that anymore."
"Neither do I"
"Good"
"Yeah... good... "
That was pretty much our sleepy conversation. A lot of air and not much substance, but plenty of meaning. And for all the fire was all but dead, I was warm encased in his arm. I snuggled in closer and rested my head on his shoulder. He laid his jet black crown atop my firey red one. We sat in silence for a few more minutes before James broke the silence.
"Hey, Lily?"
"Yeah?"
"What would you say if I asked you out again? Not that I am, but still. I cant help but wonder."
"I dont know. Probably Ill think about it. Maybe no. But its more likely id say yes."
"It is?"
"Yeah."
More silence. Strange how the most life-altering conversation of my life was mostly nothing at all.
"Hey, James?"
"Uh huh."
"I think Id go out with you if we didnt go out."
"What?"
"I dont like the phrase "go out." It sounds like what you did with all of the other girls that you dated for like a week then moved on. I want it to last, to have meaning. So maybe if we called it something else..."
"Like what?"
"I dont know. Maybe just say were a couple. Or that were dating. Or something like that. Even that your courting me. Anything but go out."
"All right then. I'll ask you tomorrow maybe."
"Its no fun if you tell me in advance."
"Okay. I wont ask you tomorrow, but I will ask you sometime in the next week."
"Thats better."
"Will you say yes?"
"Uh huh" I yawned.
"You tired?"
Yep. You?"
"Yeah. Lets sleep now."
"Okay. But James?"
"Yeah Lily?"
"Lets name him Harry."
"All right."
And we fell asleep. Right as we were. Later on, Gery and Sirius crept in, and they say they never saw a more beautiful and "meant-to-be" sight in their lives. And, just in case your wondering, James asked me out that Wednesday after Herbology.
And I said yes.
And we named him Harry.