Title: Walking the Plank
By: chatnoir
Disclaimer: Alias and it's characters are not mine. They never were and never will be.
Summary: Walking the plank had never been so easy.
Rating: PG-PG13
Thank you to Gabs for betaing.
And a HUGE thank you to Elektra for letting me use the title once I saw that hers was the same. And yes, I did ask for permission.
Walking the Plank (1/1)
By chatnoir
I wish I never came back. Most people would assume that I'd be happy to be back, but I'm not.
Everyone has moved on.
They knew I was dead.
I wasn't.
And now that I'm back, I'm just deterring everyone else.
Hindering them to a point that they will not understand what to do.
I am not going to be the reason for anymore heartbreak. There will be no more sadness because of me.
And I can make it end so fast.
I have all the reasons.
There is no life here for me anymore. I belonged in the past.
I do not belong in the here and now.
I was supposed to be a memory. Maybe only present in the back of someone's mind, but definitely not in real life.
Not with a body, not alive. And definitely not with a soul.
I remember so much, and I remember nothing at all.
I remember two years past. The happiness, the joy, my life.
It was perfect.
I had everything I needed, or almost everything.
But I needed one more, and that was to stop Sloane.
I admit I was greedy. I had to have that too. And I know my punishment now.
I remember nothing of the past two years. How could two years fly past without my knowing?
Just all the more reason.
Every step I take, I remember a reason and use it as energy to get to my destination.
Will. Meeting you destroyed my life.
And it was true.
I did destroy his life.
I had him tortured.
I made him lose his job.
I made him swear to lie.
I made him lose someone special.
I almost made him die.
I almost killed my friend.
He wouldn't even notice I was gone.
To him, I was already gone a year ago.
He made his peace with me. There was no reason for him to dredge up old feelings.
There was no reason for him to ask me for forgiveness for giving up on me.
Everything was settled with him.
It would be best for him to forget about me.
Francie.
I had her killed.
My stupid mission to save the world killed her.
I lied to her for almost a decade, and she died not knowing the truth.
I never got to say that I was sorry.
But that could be easily arranged, once I left.
My father.
Why wasn't it my father? Did he even care enough about me to see if it was really me in Hong Kong?
Does he even know I am alive?
Probably not.
He was too close… or so the CIA would think considering he was my father.
Did he go work with Sloane and that be the reason why he never showed? Or did he go work with Irina?
There really was no reason to dwell on it.
I knew he loved me.
But it's not enough.
We never were close.
He never was really supportive of any decision I made.
There isn't enough for me to salvage.
The CIA.
Why would I stay there?
I was only an object to them.
Something meant to be used until it's fullest, only to be thrown in the attic when it wasn't useful anymore.
They searched for me for a month.
Then they proclaimed that I was dead.
It was so easy for them to say. I have no meaning for them anymore.
They only want the information in my head now.
They think they know where I've been the last two years.
And all they want is the information.
If I were to leave, no one would get the information.
And everyone would be safe again.
No more heartbreak because of me.
And once I was gone, they'd never mention me again.
I was a tool, nothing more.
A few numbers.
A case number to be looked in on as reference.
Nothing more.
I'd be a closed case. An omega-17.
Officially, I never came back.
I died in 2003.
And no one would know I had come back two years later, alive.
They would tell the people who'd seen me that I was an imposter.
They would never tell anyone else I was alive.
My mother.
She had always been a traitor.
Why would I ever stay back and be with her?
She would do anything to achieve her ends, even if it was to betray and kill me.
I have no reason for her.
Weiss.
He had suddenly become my best friend.
For only a day I have been back, he has been the supportive one. He never asked anything of me.
He let me pour all my thoughts, my frustrations out to him.
He let me punch him when I got too angry, and he took it all in.
He comforted me.
He wanted me to get through it.
He knew I would get through it.
He probably would have been my last link here.
He might have been the only reason I would ever stay.
But I can make him forget me.
Just for one day, he might have thought that I'd been here.
But if he were to think about it anymore, I would have only been a dream.
An imagination run wild.
An imagination desperate enough to want his best friend's ex-girlfriend back so she could set his best friend straight in the head.
He didn't like his best friend's new girl.
And what's left is Vaughn.
My main reason of letting go.
Of leaving.
He had moved on so easily.
I had never thought I would be so readily replaced either.
My one big downfall.
He had a life now.
A life outside the CIA.
A normal life.
One had had always wanted. Had always longed for.
I would cause him no more heartbreak.
I would cause him no more confusion.
I still loved him.
It was only yesterday that we were waking up side-by-side.
I was in his arms, pressed up against his chest, leg thrown over his hip.
I was tucked away safely in my dream.
My heaven. My parfait.
In one day, my perfect had been destroyed. Had tumbled down under my feet.
Razed until I could no longer detect a hint of it.
He had a wife.
And it wasn't me.
He had a wife. He found someone else he loved more than me.
He owes me nothing.
I find him not guilty.
He thought I was dead.
I love him enough to let him move on.
I will not let myself be the downfall of a wonderful man who would be able to give the world so much.
I will miss him.
I do still love him.
I'm at the edge of the pier.
The Santa Monica Bay was loud tonight, the waves crashing into one another.
Tripping over itself until it landed on the beach.
This was going to be my end.
I look out into the water, the moonlight showing the water waving back to me.
Build me up buttercup.
What you think you know, you don't know.
I mean, it's like Tolstoy long. Devlin says it could take weeks to verify. But I know we could use another double agent in SD-6.
I had an instinct about you.
My guardian angel.
Give me some sugar.
It'd be rude to overlook such a generous offer without proper consideration.
I wouldn't dream of it.
Hey, guys... I just talked to base, we did it. We kicked their asses…Hey... guys, did you hear what I said? Asses... kicked.
You're so beautiful.
Dinner's ready.
You do have an oven, you know. We can reheat it.
Vaughn, why are you wearing that ring?
You've been gone for almost two years.
I lean over the edge.
I feel the wind rush in my hair.
I hear a distant shout of "Syd!" from a man I could no longer love.
A man I loved more than life itself.
A man I am freeing.
I feel my body crash against the water.
A burning sensation spreads throughout my body.
I see darkness close in around me.
I'm finally home.
I can cause no more heartbreak.
~ the end ~