Um, this is a really, Really LONG post. It's 7 pgs in Word. I've kinda been keeping to about 1 ½ -3 pages for each section previously, so I just wanted to give you a heads up. ;) Also, in case you were curious, I actually posted the entire conversation to this first flashback. It's titled Don't Cry. I would appreciate a review on that as well. :D
Josey – Thank you very much! I appreciate it. Right now I am still working on this and I really hope my Muse stays with me long enough to complete it soon. Thanks again!! :D
rusho100 – Thank you very much! I appreciate all comments. I know what you mean. I like seeing Obi as a Competent Knight who doesn't always need Qui-Gon to save him. But in this 'timeline' I stick with what has already been established in Authorized Fan fic and build on it. I am grateful for the encouragement. As for Mys and how she deals with Ani, that will hopefully come in a few chaps. Thanks again!! :D
grab-ur-lightsaber – Thanks as always. ;) Well, you have to understand, I actually wrote most of this (so far), a while ago. I actually fell behind on posting here, and when I got really, really, pestered at the other site I realized how far behind I was here. *blush* But now that I'm working on it again, I'm trying to catch up to what I have done now. Thanks again!! :D
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Finally, she concluded, "You carry too much burden, Tschüxani."
Obi-Wan peered back at her empathetic eyes. "You can still call me that?" The distress apparent in his voice.
"Why wouldn't I? It describes you better now than it ever has before." Her tone was gentle as MysAri caressed his cheek.
"It should be saved for someone worthy of such endearment. Not someone who can only offer pain and suffering." Obi-Wan tried to pull away but Mys's other hand reached up to effectively trap his face.
"Is that what you think you do?" Determined, but kind, she pressed him, hoping that she might be able to squash this persistent negativity.
Firmly, he replied, "Yes, I've hurt every person that I ever cared for."
"And none more than yourself." She paused as he closed his eyes again at the rebuke. "How long do you plan on punishing yourself? No one else would need to, even if they were so inclined. You seem content to do it for them."
Abruptly, he turned away, finally breaking free of her hold in an attempt to remove himself from the conversation. "You don't understand."
MysAri hurried to stop him, her hand pulled at his arm to bring him back around. "Then tell me. Tell me so that I can accept this self-condemnation."
"I..I…" he stammered. Finally dropping to the floor unable to remain on his feet, he put his face in his hands. Muffled, the confession came, "I failed." A hushed interlude followed, as MysAri ran through the possibilities of his reasoning.
"Failed, how?"
"I have failed everyone. Cerasi, Tahl, Bant, Bruck, Yoda, you and most of all Qui-Gon."
"You never failed," she tried to reassure the distraught man she cared for so deeply.
"Yes I did," he countered quickly. Shaking his head for a moment, he didn't want to dredge up the memories, but knew he needed to explain his reasoning. "Cerasi and Tahl both died because of me. My mistakes cost them their lives. If I had been more alert Cerasi would still be alive. If I had not delayed Qui-Gon, not only would Tahl still be here, but she would be able to see."
MysAri knew a little about his early missions and how they affected the Temple. But she also knew more than he realized, and with this knowledge in mind, she offered, "You can't blame yourse…"
Cutting off her dismal, he continued, "Bruck died because I could not save him. I was not fast enough. And I almost cost Bant her life."
"But, Bant's alive, Obi…" she tried pointing out his success in saving his friend, but he obviously would not hear it.
"But I failed her when Tahl died. She doesn't have to say anything. I know what my mistake cost her."
Now, MysAri, getting frustrated at his rationality, voiced her opinion, "From what I understand Tahl left without her. You were not responsible for that."
"No, but I didn't bring back her Master, did I?" Obi-Wan's rebuttal caught her off guard, and she thought for a moment.
Quietly, Mys said, "That wasn't the point."
"Wasn't it?" He let out a quick laugh of irony. MysAri could see the raging storms behind the usually calm seas, swelling to release their pain. Again, her hand wiped away the torment, as he confided, "Yoda had faith in me once. He compelled Qui-Gon to take me as a Padawan on more than one occasion. I failed him when I told him that I would train Anakin with or without the Council's consent. And now I'm failing him too."
At that moment, Mys understood how much the future taunted the young Knight, "Anakin?"
He nodded then continued. "I'm afraid to train him. Afraid that I'll fail Qui-Gon again. Even after his death, I still seek his approval."
"He loved you, Obi. I saw it many times: the love in his eyes, when he looked at you."
"There may have been affection, but how could he love me? I betrayed him. I failed him and I was to blame for his one true love dying. How could anyone love a murderer?"
His last question, flamed MysAri's temper, but she calmed herself enough to speak steadily, "You are not a murderer." The fervor of her declaration made Obi-Wan pause. His wide-eyed glare caused her to soften her tone before adding, "You are the gentlest creature I know in this Force-forsaken galaxy. The brightest light, full of unconditional love for those you come in contact with. No one in this universe gives themselves so freely to strangers. Blindly accepting anything thrown at you to better the lives of others. You say you give only pain and suffering, but it's not true."
Shaking her head, she stated, "All you know is pain and suffering. Even though we were sheltered from infancy, it still managed to find a home in you. Now as we get older the dangers and consequences of our position only get harder. And as you face these difficulties by yourself, we can only stand by and watch helplessly as they work to destroy you."
Timidly, she tried to reel in her own swirling emotions, before going on. "Can't you see? We so desperately want to help but the only thing we have been able to do is give you as much support as possible. Trying to show you that I… we love you with all of our hearts."
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After only a couple hours of rest, Obi-Wan resumed his study of the data pads. Reading through her reports he could see the gradual increase of discomfort that affected her performance. However, she did not mention going to the healers for help until the pain had almost cost her. While on a mission to one of the mid-rim worlds, she engaged in a brief battle with some mercenaries. As they fought, her wrist pinched and she lost her grip on her saber. Fortunately, she was also using her second smaller blade and was able to deflect blaster fire as she sought to retrieve her weapon.
Other than that there was very little that could shed some light on the situation and the connection between MysAri and Ona Nobis. He sat thinking for sometime lost in the mass of information floating through his mind. Little by little, a brief paragraph weeded its way through the mess. In one of her earliest reports there was mention of a run in with a figure and she needed to change, delaying her from her task. Apparently, the quick contact had annoyed her sufficiently to include it.
He didn't know what about it had stuck him as an odd entry, but he pulled the report back up. Glancing at the time and place, he felt he needed to cross-reference the information with the contents on the other pad. Waiting for the results from his search input, Obi-Wan could barely contain his despondency when a match appeared. Both, in fact, had been on the same planet at the same time. He knew Ona's capability of disguise and had virtually no doubts now that she was the one who administered the first catalyst.
Rising, he made his way through the Temple back to the Infirmary. As he entered Mys's room, he found Anakin sitting deep in thought. One glance toward the ailing Knight told him she was still asleep, but her face looked even more drawn causing him to frown. Quietly, he made his way to his apprentice and smiled as the boy looked up at him. {Thank you, Anakin. It's late now, you should go back and rest yourself.} Indeed, it had gotten late, as the Temple entered the sleep cycle.
Anakin straightened in the seat, but did not get up. Instead, he made up his mind. {Master, I think we need to talk.} Obi-Wan gave the apprentice a questioning glance and Anakin elaborated. {I need to understand what's going on. Between you and Master MysAri.}
{I'm not sure I understand what you mean.} Obi-Wan was still vexed by his Padawan's odd request.
{Have you told her how much you care?} The question was to the point, as the boy's inexperience in the delicate matters of the heart surfaced.
Allowing the slight hint of annoyance enter his mental tone, Obi-Wan stated, {Now is not the time for this. I want you to…}
{Why not? She loves you. Or are you too afraid that what happened to Qui-Gon and Tahl will happen to you?}
{Anakin, I would advise you not tread too quickly into unfamiliar waters.} Heated by the accusation, Obi-Wan crudely put Anakin in his place. With as little tact as before, he added, {I will not say this again; go back to our rooms. We will discuss this later.}
Anakin stood up in a huff and glared up at his Master. For a moment, the two steely wills battled before Anakin finally conceded. He stormed out of the small healing room heading toward their shared apartments. As soon as he entered the main corridor, Anakin cooled a bit and thought, Well, that went well. Sighing he continued on, deciding that a good night's rest might provide him the solutions to the mess he had just created.
Meanwhile, in the private care room, Obi-Wan stood for a few minutes trying to ease his shattered nerves. His thoughts drifted wildly in the expanse of his mind. So caught up in the turmoil, he was not aware of the sleepy eyes that were watching him.
"Back already?" A quiet, achy voice asked. Obi-Wan turned torn blue-green eyes toward the inquisitor. Deep green eyes, previously pain filled, became worried, "What's wrong?" Obi-Wan moved his way to her bed and sat on the edge.
Ignoring her questions, he gazed down at her, "How are you feeling?" Her eyes averted his as the familiar question was presented. He could see her sigh so lightly due to her fading condition and his heart clenched.
"Getting worse," was all the answer she could and would give him. In her peripheral vision, she could see him nod.
Tentatively, Obi-Wan took one of her hands in his and drew in a deep, claming breath. He came here for a reason, and he let his duty take over his emotions. "Do you remember your mission to Garos IV about a year ago?"
Confused by this new line of questioning, MysAri turned puzzled eyes back to the determined visage of Obi-Wan. "That was a while ago, but I remember it. Why?"
"In your report, you mentioned needing to change." He waited for her affirmation before continuing, "Can you show it to me?"
"Show it to you?" She sought confirmation for the request he just put to her. She could not help but wonder if it was wise to let him into her mind.
His tone softened even further, as he knew what he was asking of her. "Please, I need to verify a suspicion." He could see the battle in her eyes as she debated his petition. Finally, he received a very slight nod. Quietly, he offered, "Thank you." A small smile answered him as he closed his eyes to concentrate on the Force and then direct his attention to the mind of the woman next to him.
Slowly, he could see the darkness around him dissolve into the vibrant colours of sunset. As the world around him lightened, he recognized a section of the Garden of Colour. The Garden itself was little used, but he knew that it happened to be MysAri's favourite. His eyes adjusted and he could now see his friend leaning against one of the various trees that prevailed in this park. The bark of the trunk was a deep ebony but the leaves that rustled above were of a resonant blue. He came up beside her. Before he could speak, she did. "I always loved twilight." The comment was soft and distant, as she stared off into the coming night. "Which is another reason I loved Twila." A soft laugh escaped her. "But you did not come here to learn what you already knew. You asked me to show you what happened on Garos IV, and I will." Abruptly, she stood and took his hands.
Suddenly, the world went dark and in a flash he found himself on a public transport. In one of the seats in the middle of the vessel, MysAri, or rather the memory of her, sat near the aisle. The current astral image of MysAri stood next to him. The memory was paused at the moment and she let go of his hand to look at herself more closely.
Obi-Wan watched as she approached and for the first time he could really see the difference in her appearance. The one in the chair, looked healthy and alive. Colour brightened her features and though she was never full in figure, she looked well fed. In contrast, the astral form was painfully thin and pale in tone. Her frail figure seemed like it could break at any moment. He came up behind her and tenderly placed his hands on her shoulders. He heard her softly, "Watch."
He turned to watch the scene in front of him play out. They were in transit when the droid announced that they had arrived to their next station. MysAri had paid it no mind, and continued to stare out the side portals. He watched as people began to file in, but one figure in the group caught his eye. An elderly gentleman, was approaching her position, but Obi-Wan recognized the figure immediately. He had seen him once before, many years ago on Coruscant. And in a whisper he said, "Ona Nobis."
The figure continued to enter further down the transport, and as he neared the Knight, stumbled. A glass that the person was holding spilled onto the unsuspecting Jedi, soaking her forearms and lap. Pieces began to fall into place. She had mentioned having wrist and knee problems first, and he remembered what Bant had told him about the second catalyst. It attacked the areas it first came in contact with. And now he knew, that the first had as well. When his suspicions were confirmed, the scene faded. He found himself back in the garden, turning back to his friend he could tell she never moved. He announced firmly now: "Ona Nobis was the person that spilled the liquid on you. That was the first catalyst. But now the question is how she knew about the contaminate? And why she is involved?" But the response he received from his fellow Jedi was not what he expected.
"I don't care." It was a simple statement, but it was also one that held a deeper meaning, defeat.
"What?" Obi-Wan could hardly believe what he was hearing.
She didn't answer him as she moved back to her tree and sat. Instead, she gazed up at the evening sky and whispered, "How I love the colours. They can move you in so many ways." Obi-wan strode up to her and knelt. He was lost at her dismissal of his findings. "They talk to me, inspiring me, supporting me, loving me and berating me." The last few words seemed to be choked out of her as despair began to consume her.
Obi-Wan did not speak, instead he wrapped his arms around her. Quietly, she started crying. After some minutes in silence, she relented, "I'm not going to see another sunset." Obi-Wan's heart constricted at her words and unconsciously he held her tighter.
"Yes, you will. I promise," he replied, trying to convince himself as much as his friend.
Sinking back against him, she wished she could stay like this until the end, but could not bring herself to ask. "I hope so. Even though I don't deserve it."
Shocked, Obi-Wan countered, "That's not true. If anyone doesn't deserve it it's me."
A quick soft laugh escaped her, "Ah yes, Master of Guilt," she teased but her playful tone rapidly descended into one of hopelessness. "And no one else is permitted to house guilt other than you. I'm sorry to say it dwells quite easily in others, as we are all guilty of something."
Incredulous of her claim, he asked, "What could you be guilty of?"
As soon as he finished asking the question, MysAri pulled away from his grasp. "You don't want to know."
At first he was going to dismiss the claim, but something told him to press on, and he listened. "I don't see how you could have done anything to be guilty of. What could have been so bad that you don't think I should know?"
"What do you remember of Feswyyk? I mean after you woke up?" Her question completely threw him for a loop. Other than the brief information she told him after the mission to Naboo, neither had ever broached the subject so directly. And he didn't know how to answer. "Can you show me what you saw? After, I mean." As uncomfortable as he was about the subject, he complied as the world dissolved around them again.
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About an hour later, Obi-Wan floated out of the darkness. He could hear the distant sounds of battle through his painfilled haze. His body ached from the blows and his head spun. Little by little, he recalled the reason. He had watched in horror as one of the Nivvanii followers groped at MiraCyn. He tried his best to hold back the bile that threatened to come up. He had cried out at them to stop and struggled to prevent what was about to happen. Suddenly, he felt a Force push sweep the room. He knew MiraCyn tried to ward off the heathen, but it had only angered them. A gun had cracked at his skull and his head swam into darkness. Fighting against his memories, he only now became aware of the soft sobbing.
Obi-Wan's vision cleared and he looked around the dimly lit cell to light upon the huddled figure of MiraCyn. She was no longer bound, not that it mattered now. She was clutching her garments about her, but with closer study he realized, that she was not wearing the clothes but was merely wrapping herself in them. Her body trembled and he could feel the waves of emotions crashing into him. Shame, despair, hate, and anger were all present. And for all his breaking heart, he knew there was absolutely nothing he could do to ease her suffering. He could feel the pain and humiliation pouring off the girl. Not just a girl, but a fellow Jedi, a peer, and a friend.
Realization threatened to engulf him in his own self pity, as he became aware of how miserably he had failed. His only purpose to being there, the only reason the council had sent him, was to protect the twin Jedi Healers. And as her hiccuped breathing and weeping echoed in the small cave, it only resounded how absolute his failure was. He could do nothing but lie there and wallow in the guilt and anger that permeated the room. Anger at himself, for not stopping it, even though he had tried. Guilt for not realizing the potential danger to giving up. He would gladly give his life if he could only reverse the past few hours and save his friend this pain.
Vaguely, he heard the sounds of the battle growing nearer. He momentarily hoped that someone would kill him and somehow MiraCyn would be freed. It would only be justice for him. His failings led to this and he could not face the distraught form in the corner, nor her sister, nor the council, nor Qui-Gon. But as he lay in wait, his wish was not granted him. As shouts came down the hall and blaster fire echoed just beyond the door, he waited for what ever came to find them. Obi-Wan sent calming waves through the Force in a fleeting attempt to ease her suffering, knowing they would do no good.
Finally, he heard the door to their dungeon open. He sat up as he felt something through the Force, and saw a weary MysAri stumble in. Her face streaked with tears and her body echoed pain. She glanced at him for only a moment, but he knew then that he was more of a disgrace to the Jedi than he ever feared. MysAri staggered her way to her sister and fell to her knees. For only a brief moment she hesitated before embracing her sister and joining in the misery. He knew he had neglected the one thing that made the damage all that more devastating. The bond the twins shared transcended the Force. He knew this from previous encounters with them. They were linked with each other by blood, that only the Force could enhance. And when Obi-Wan saw the look in MysAri's eyes and the pain evident in her movements, that even though she had not experienced it herself, she had in most ways been assaulted too. Unwittingly, the savages had not taken one soul but had in reality devoured the soul shared by two people, thus destroying both victims.
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For the first time, MysAri became fully aware of his own pain and agony of the situation on Feswyyk. Her misery mingled with the tormented emotions of the memory. Her body racked with sobs as she debated on how much more she had failed them. Obi-Wan could do nothing but wait as the memory brought him into the realm of suffering. Finally, she calmed her weeping enough to address the man she cared for. "I am s – sor-ry. Sorry for you being alone. Sorry that you dealt with it without me. Sorry for not coming to you sooner." Gasping breaths broke up her words, making it seem like she was so much younger than her 28 years, but Obi-Wan listened all the same.
"Don't, please, you had nothing to be sorry for," he consoled her with vacant words. His sense of duty automatically deferring her apologies.
"Do you want to know why I hesitated at the door?" Her voice full of self contempt, a loathing old and deep that poured from her words. He didn't answer, but she knew he wanted to know, so continued. "Because – when I entered that horrid cell, I saw you. And I could tell your heart had broken. Dealt a blow that you should never have been given. And with all my heart. With every sense of my being, I... I needed.…. wanted to go to you. Comfort you in your pain. Ease your suffering." The grief overwhelmed her again and she could not go on.
Confused, Obi-Wan offered, "But, that's what you do. Help people…"
"Don't you understand??" She cried out, cutting him off from speaking any further. "In that moment, that hesitation, despite everything that had happened, I betrayed and abandoned, my sister." Realization crashed into the older Knight suddenly, as her confession finally began to make itself clear. Her broken sobs peppered her speech as she added, "A – and …. sh-she knew." Her hands swallowed her face as she crumbled in on herself. Muffled he could hear her still talking, "I- I tr-ied to ap – pol - logize, b – but it was al – ready too late." MysAri's deepest darkest secret had been revealed, and in its wake left a woman completely destroyed by it.
Tentatively, Obi-Wan crawled up to the tormented soul and embraced her. Hoping to still her shaking form, he spoke softly, soothing the pain. "I didn't know. I'm so sorry, that I never realized what had happened there." Not knowing what else to say, he simply held her close.
Her quiet weeping was slowly drowned out by a roaring thunder. The sky above darkened, and the world shook. An encompassing agony ripped through them as they sat amidst the garden. He could feel her stiffen in his arms and heard her cry out as he was suddenly expelled from her mind.
Stunned by the painful backlash, he re-orientated himself in the hospital room, before he understood what had just happened. A soft moan passed through MysAri's taut lips, her brow furrowed and glistened. And he knew that the pain in her body washed over her, booting him from her mind. Ever so slowly, he could see her features ease as the wave subsided. When the last remnants passed she opened her eyes. With the last of her strength, she pleaded, "Leave. I want to die in peace." The tears finding their way into this world, they streamed down her face.
"I can't," he whispered back. He reached a hand out to wipe away the tears, but to his surprise, she turned her head away.
He watched as she struggled and turned herself on her side. She cried out as her stiff joints protested the movement, but she pressed on in spite of it. Almost unsure he heard it, her voice came to him, "Please, leave me alone."
Distraught himself, he relented to her will, and nodded. Carefully, he removed himself from the room and walked blankly through the Temple halls. Not seeing where he was going, Obi-Wan wandered aimlessly. Not aware of where he was, he entered an entry code by the door he now stood in front of and entered. As he made his way inside, he finally took in his surroundings. They were not the familiar decorations of the apartments he shared with Anakin, but he did recognize where he stood; MysAri's apartment. Cautiously, he explored the communal room. He found pictures scattered throughout, most including himself and her sister, MiraCyn. Lost in the multitude of memories he was not aware of the tear that coursed its way down his cheek. Drowning in the overwhelming joy and camaraderie that the memories sparked, he could not denounce the melancholy and gloom that loomed over him.
As he stood empty in the middle of the room, Obi-Wan decided he needed to gather his wits about him, knowing that this would not stop anything. Gradually, he soothed his nerves and pulled the Force in around him. When his mind cleared enough, a new sensation slammed into him. A warning in the Force set off claxons in his mind. Immediately, he responded to the call and raced back through the Temple. Fortunately, they were still in the middle of the sleep cycle so he had no traffic to contend with, but he feared that it didn't matter. Finding his way back easily, he barged back into the room he just left, and instantly, crashed to his knees. His heart pounding in his chest so loud he could hear nothing else, he gazed upon the bed, where MysAri laid. He did not realize that his screaming mind had been anything more than in his mind, as he cried out in his agony. His weary besieged sea-change eyes stared at an empty bed.
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