Through Blind Eyes: Chapter 3
MKR doesn't belong to me, blah blah blah...
Eeeeeep. Did Clef kill all those people????
Even I don't know......
Warning: Usual amount of darkfic. Not so much horror/violence.
Author's note: Well, I finally found the perfect music to listen to while writing this. It's 'Is Anybody Home' by Our Lady Peace (Happiness...is not a fish you can catch) Oh, well. Not like anyone cares.
Sooo...if you notice any of the phrases from that song in here, don't be surprised.
~~~~~~~
...I don't love anyone...I can't.
"Hikaru-san!"
"Hikaru!"
As I finally sit up in the bed, I taste metallic blood in my mouth. There's a scared aura that lingers about me as if I were a frightened rabbit. I'm wondering why I have to exude such an aura, because surely I am just causing unnecessary worry and pain.
"What happened, Hikaru? You're all bloodied up..." Umi's worried blue eyes stare at me, rippling with tears like the ocean. I'm not sure why she'd cry over me - she doesn't need to. No one does....
"Oh, it's nothing. Really, I'm fine." I smile, trying to get her to stop worrying. I have to admit I really don't love anyone, which is why I'm so confused as to the reason for my trying to stop people from worrying.
"Hikaru-san, one of your 'I'm fine's is about as reliable as Mokona." Fuu is, as usual, the same as Umi, doubt playing at the gaze she gives me. I'm sick of this! People don't need to protect me. I can fend for myself! I'm not some glass ornament!
"I've sworn it before and I'll swear it again - I'm fine! Really." Gently, I try to convince them of what I know is true, but it doesn't do any good. I'd like to yell at them, believe me. I really would, but unfortunately for me, it would hurt my facade.
Grievously. Yet I can't stand their nagging! I think I'm going to go insane in this red little head of mine.
"See, guys. I'm standing up. I'm fine! I'm fine, dammit! I'M FINE!" I hope I didn't just say that. I _really_ hope I didn't just say that.
"Oh, my...Hikaru-san, are you feeling all right?" Fuu, annoying as ever, tries to coax me into getting back into bed. But I can't. There's no alternative other than running. Running, running to escape...
...
What am I escaping, anyway? What do I think I'll accomplish? I have to wonder, in this awful world of lying, cheating people who can't even admit to themselves the crimes they've committed.
Am I one of those people?
Murderer.
They say it wasn't my fault. It was what Princess Emeraude wanted. Sure. But I killed her nonetheless.
Damn it all to hell, you know? I don't care! I'm bitter! So sue me! If this life were a newspaper or a bottle of soda, I'd throw it in a trash can and let it burn. Honestly.
It's all my fault. They can't seem to accept that. But really, if I had looked into it further, I could have prevented my own stupidity from making me regret this. I could have asked people exactly what we were supposed to do, instead of diving into the pool of happy little Hikaru "let's save everybody" mode. Honestly, I hate myself for this. I'm just an awful kid who's murdered people, and I'm paying for it...but it doesn't lessen the pain any.
The blood that's been shed is more like fear...fear painted all about the place. We fear so much. We fear regret, we fear remorse, we even fear others. Why? Why can't we just say exactly what we want to say? Why did we even invent manners, and "what's appropriate"? For God's sake, we all do bad things. It may or may not be our fault, but no one is even close to perfect. But what makes it worse is that no one is willing to admit the pain they've caused, including myself. Alas.
I feel my face crumple into tears of frustration, reminding me that hiding out and brooding in my mind won't help the situation any. But what can? What _can_ ease this pain?
Pain...pain is such an unreal thing. I mean, sure, you can feel pain if you fall off a wall, or if you get stabbed...but it is simply too good to be true. Pain is really just something we may feel in an imaginary world, and pain is a split part of us rather than something woven into the blanket of life. Pain may be one person lurking out there, controlling all of the suffering we do. I'd like to thank that person for helping me realize the true meaning of life...
Death.
All of these people are so stupid. They don't understand anything about life. They are caught in a beautiful mirage. Let them have their illusion. I'll be the only sane one here. And I'll be damn proud of it...unless I wind up dying.
If killing can give me such pain, and if pain is a good thing...that means...NO! Why am I thinking like this? I'm not like this! I'm not depressed, I'm not really angry. I'm just in denial. Yes, that's it. This adorable little mask is me! This is me! YES! IT'S ME, DAMMMIT!
I'd like to laugh maniacally right now. In fact, I think I am. I can't tell the difference between my mind and the real world...what is the real world? I believe it was Descartes who said, 'I think, therefore I am.' Yet it is thinking that further proves to me that I'm not real. I am yet another believer in this endless mirage.
But if I realize it, then am I really caught in it? Nay, I suppose not. I am rather trying to believe in it, but my mind can't process it. I suppose I should just get out of here and collect the pieces of myself that I have scattered.
* * *
I'm back here, in this endless pile of pain, watching the corpses bleed. Clef, what did you do? Why did you do it? Were you once....like me? Bitter, scared, even unable because of scared revelations...were you once me, so to speak?
I hear footsteps on the ground, and snap around only to hear that they've stopped. Once I run, they run too...and then I realize that they're my own. There's some sort of terribly blurred line between reality and my mind now...and it's frustrating, yet enlightening. I know that I could very well escape this place, with one simple drive of a sword through my chest...yet would that be the best choice? If I had no ties to this world, if I were completely and forever lonely, I might give that a shot...but otherwise, no. I have people I care about, yet I can't be sure that they're real, and so I realize that I may be merely dreaming of the people I think I know.
Alas....
~~~~~~
Okay, that was short and probably not the best thing I've written. Maybe a little confusing...tell me what you think!
PK
PS R/R especially this chapter!
MKR doesn't belong to me, blah blah blah...
Eeeeeep. Did Clef kill all those people????
Even I don't know......
Warning: Usual amount of darkfic. Not so much horror/violence.
Author's note: Well, I finally found the perfect music to listen to while writing this. It's 'Is Anybody Home' by Our Lady Peace (Happiness...is not a fish you can catch) Oh, well. Not like anyone cares.
Sooo...if you notice any of the phrases from that song in here, don't be surprised.
~~~~~~~
...I don't love anyone...I can't.
"Hikaru-san!"
"Hikaru!"
As I finally sit up in the bed, I taste metallic blood in my mouth. There's a scared aura that lingers about me as if I were a frightened rabbit. I'm wondering why I have to exude such an aura, because surely I am just causing unnecessary worry and pain.
"What happened, Hikaru? You're all bloodied up..." Umi's worried blue eyes stare at me, rippling with tears like the ocean. I'm not sure why she'd cry over me - she doesn't need to. No one does....
"Oh, it's nothing. Really, I'm fine." I smile, trying to get her to stop worrying. I have to admit I really don't love anyone, which is why I'm so confused as to the reason for my trying to stop people from worrying.
"Hikaru-san, one of your 'I'm fine's is about as reliable as Mokona." Fuu is, as usual, the same as Umi, doubt playing at the gaze she gives me. I'm sick of this! People don't need to protect me. I can fend for myself! I'm not some glass ornament!
"I've sworn it before and I'll swear it again - I'm fine! Really." Gently, I try to convince them of what I know is true, but it doesn't do any good. I'd like to yell at them, believe me. I really would, but unfortunately for me, it would hurt my facade.
Grievously. Yet I can't stand their nagging! I think I'm going to go insane in this red little head of mine.
"See, guys. I'm standing up. I'm fine! I'm fine, dammit! I'M FINE!" I hope I didn't just say that. I _really_ hope I didn't just say that.
"Oh, my...Hikaru-san, are you feeling all right?" Fuu, annoying as ever, tries to coax me into getting back into bed. But I can't. There's no alternative other than running. Running, running to escape...
...
What am I escaping, anyway? What do I think I'll accomplish? I have to wonder, in this awful world of lying, cheating people who can't even admit to themselves the crimes they've committed.
Am I one of those people?
Murderer.
They say it wasn't my fault. It was what Princess Emeraude wanted. Sure. But I killed her nonetheless.
Damn it all to hell, you know? I don't care! I'm bitter! So sue me! If this life were a newspaper or a bottle of soda, I'd throw it in a trash can and let it burn. Honestly.
It's all my fault. They can't seem to accept that. But really, if I had looked into it further, I could have prevented my own stupidity from making me regret this. I could have asked people exactly what we were supposed to do, instead of diving into the pool of happy little Hikaru "let's save everybody" mode. Honestly, I hate myself for this. I'm just an awful kid who's murdered people, and I'm paying for it...but it doesn't lessen the pain any.
The blood that's been shed is more like fear...fear painted all about the place. We fear so much. We fear regret, we fear remorse, we even fear others. Why? Why can't we just say exactly what we want to say? Why did we even invent manners, and "what's appropriate"? For God's sake, we all do bad things. It may or may not be our fault, but no one is even close to perfect. But what makes it worse is that no one is willing to admit the pain they've caused, including myself. Alas.
I feel my face crumple into tears of frustration, reminding me that hiding out and brooding in my mind won't help the situation any. But what can? What _can_ ease this pain?
Pain...pain is such an unreal thing. I mean, sure, you can feel pain if you fall off a wall, or if you get stabbed...but it is simply too good to be true. Pain is really just something we may feel in an imaginary world, and pain is a split part of us rather than something woven into the blanket of life. Pain may be one person lurking out there, controlling all of the suffering we do. I'd like to thank that person for helping me realize the true meaning of life...
Death.
All of these people are so stupid. They don't understand anything about life. They are caught in a beautiful mirage. Let them have their illusion. I'll be the only sane one here. And I'll be damn proud of it...unless I wind up dying.
If killing can give me such pain, and if pain is a good thing...that means...NO! Why am I thinking like this? I'm not like this! I'm not depressed, I'm not really angry. I'm just in denial. Yes, that's it. This adorable little mask is me! This is me! YES! IT'S ME, DAMMMIT!
I'd like to laugh maniacally right now. In fact, I think I am. I can't tell the difference between my mind and the real world...what is the real world? I believe it was Descartes who said, 'I think, therefore I am.' Yet it is thinking that further proves to me that I'm not real. I am yet another believer in this endless mirage.
But if I realize it, then am I really caught in it? Nay, I suppose not. I am rather trying to believe in it, but my mind can't process it. I suppose I should just get out of here and collect the pieces of myself that I have scattered.
* * *
I'm back here, in this endless pile of pain, watching the corpses bleed. Clef, what did you do? Why did you do it? Were you once....like me? Bitter, scared, even unable because of scared revelations...were you once me, so to speak?
I hear footsteps on the ground, and snap around only to hear that they've stopped. Once I run, they run too...and then I realize that they're my own. There's some sort of terribly blurred line between reality and my mind now...and it's frustrating, yet enlightening. I know that I could very well escape this place, with one simple drive of a sword through my chest...yet would that be the best choice? If I had no ties to this world, if I were completely and forever lonely, I might give that a shot...but otherwise, no. I have people I care about, yet I can't be sure that they're real, and so I realize that I may be merely dreaming of the people I think I know.
Alas....
~~~~~~
Okay, that was short and probably not the best thing I've written. Maybe a little confusing...tell me what you think!
PK
PS R/R especially this chapter!