"The Broadband Connection" by Jonathan R
(Family Guy, Kermit the Frog, and all other references are owned by their respective owners. Not much of a disclaimer, but it'll do.)
This fanfic is guaranteed to sound like an actual episode or your money back! (How many other fanfics have a warranty like that??)
Part I of III, because we have to pause for commercials.
Peter is watching "The Osbournes" on TV.
Ozzy says "SHARON! SHARON!"
One of Ozzy's kids comes into the kitchen.
Ozzy mumbles, "Could you, um, find out where the [bleep bleep] Sharon went to? Can you do that for me, Kelly?"
"I'm Jack," says the kid.
"SHARON!!!" shouts Ozzy.
Peter, who's watching TV, says the following: "[bleep bleep bleep bleeeeeeep]"
[Cue opening theme/credits]
The Griffins are at the Quahog Flea Market "where the merchandise is almost as worthless as the people who bring them in."
"Isn't this exciting, Peter?" asks Lois to her husband, as they walk past booths of every kind and sort…including a John Wilkes Booth selling Abraham Lincoln dolls with bullet holes in them. "It's not very often we go to a flea market like this."
"Pshh, yeah, right," scoffs Peter. "This is like a giant garage sale for people who are too stupid to avoid competition."
To prove that point, a man behind Lois and Peter says, "Hey, would I interest you two in an authentic battle axe? Only $15."
"Oh yeah?" says the man in the next booth. "I'll sell you these two daggers for $8 each!"
"Ha! That's $16! He's trying to cheat you!" says the first man.
"Oh yeah?"
"Yeah!"
The two men suddenly go at it with their weapons.
"Gee, it's a shame someone isn't charging admission for this," says Peter. Instantly, a man runs up with a ticket booth that says, "Axe vs. daggers" and looks for customers.
"Damn," curses Peter. "Why didn't I think of that?"
"I hope the kids are alright," says Lois.
"Don't worry," says Peter. "Brian's watching them."
Brian, however, has his attention on a canine sex toy booth. He's trying to decide between the inflatable poodle or the inflatable human leg.
"Let's see…familiarity or affordability? Damn!" Brian frantically scratches himself. "A dog at a flea market. I should've seen THAT coming a mile away."
Nearby, Stewie is trying to strike up a deal with a booth operator.
"So, what you're saying is that despite your malicious claim that you're a retailer of weapons, you don't carry any Walter P38 handguns? What kind of a fraud ARE you?!" exclaims the irate child.
"Maybe you misheard, little boy," says the retailer. "I said I was selling 'bed pins', not weapons."
Stewie looks alarmed. "Why the HELL are you selling such an atrocious item?"
"Because they're collector's items, see?" The man takes out a long, sharp metal spike and gives it to Stewie. (Not a good idea.) "This one's from the 18th century. It used to keep the mattress attached to the bed frame."
Stewie takes the large pin and looks it over. Then, with unnatural speed, he jabs the pin into the back of the man's hand that was resting on the table. The man howls with pain.
"Well, now this pin keeps you attached to your booth! You disgust me." He walks off.
Meanwhile, Chris and Meg are walking past some exhibits.
"Ugh," groans Meg, "I can't believe our parents put us together like this. This is so unfair."
"Hey look! Pot!" says Chris.
The kids come up to a booth that says simply "Pot $5". A black guy is sitting in a chair and surrounded by metal pots; pots hanging from hooks, pots on the floor, even pots that are face-down on the booth itself.
"Oh, c'mon, Chris," says Meg. "This is just that gag from that 'Scooby Doo' movie all over again. C'mon, let's go somewhere else."
They walk off. An old woman walks up to the booth and says, "Excuse me, young man…can I buy a pot?"
The black dude reaches under one of the pots on the booth and pulls out some marijuana leaves. He gives them to the woman, who puts them in her purse. She gives the man five bucks.
"Thank you, young man," says the old woman and walks off.
"Wow, Chris, look!" says Meg suddenly. She runs over to a booth that says 'Quahog Cellular.' (Cut me some slack, guys. If I use any real company names, I'll get sued. It happened once before.) The booth is covered with cell phones and accessories.
"Wow, I've always wanted my own cell phone," says Meg. "It sure would be a lot better than that portable phone Dad once gave me."
(Instant flashback) "Hey, Meg," says a fellow student outside Meg's school. "Isn't your Dad supposed to come pick you up?"
Meg sighs. "I'd better call him." She unzips her backpack and throws something rubber to the ground. It inflates into a phone booth. Meg gets in and dials her home number.
"Dad, could you come pick me up?"
"Sure, Meg. Where are you and how much do you weigh again?"
"I'm in front of my school Dad, and I mean pick me up in the car."
"I'm sorry, honey, I don't think I could pick up the car even with you in it. It's just too heavy."
Meg groans and hangs up, but the phone rings again. "Hello?" asks Meg.
"If you hang up the phone, I will kill you," says Kiefer Sutherland's voice.
(Flashback ends) Meg walks up to the cell phone booth.
"And how can I help you, young lady?" asks the retailer. "Wait, wait, let me guess, you want a cell phone, right?"
"Wow, Meg, he's a psychic!" shouts Chris. "He read your mind!" He turned to the retailer. "Hey, guess what I'm thinking!" Chris closes his eyes.
The retailer sees an Oriental walk by the booth. "Hey, Pu!" he says. Chris opens his eyes in amazement.
"Hey, Stan," says Pu.
"Wow," says Chris to his sister. "He really IS a psycho! He read my mind! I gotta lie down." Chris walks over to the next booth, which is selling recliners. Chris lies back in one of the recliners. The salesman, who is a man with long, blonde hair, storms up to him.
The recliner salesman says, "Hey, who do you think you are?!"
"Uh…I'm a boy. That's who I think I am. What about you? I think your long hair makes you look like a girl. That's who I think you are. Ha ha, this is fun! Let's play again!"
Back at the cell booth, Stan says, "So, ma'am, what kind of a cell phone do you want?"
"One that'll keep me in touch with my family, I guess," says Meg.
"Well, then I suggest the full-body cell phone center. This plastic cocoon will keep you free from any kind of interference guaranteed…and it comes with a FREE PHONE!"
"Um, how am I supposed to breathe in that thing?"
"…uh…you know what?" says Stan, throwing the plastic thing over his shoulder. "I don't think a cell phone is right for you. You should try the wonders of the world wide web, because Quahog Cellular is also this area's most reliable Internet service provider!"
"But I already HAVE a dial-up Internet connection," says Meg.
"And it comes with a FREE PHONE!"
"Hmmm…"
"Wait, did you say 'dial-up'? HA! Dial-up is for hookers and poor people. What you need, uh, what was your name again?"
"Meg."
"Right. What you need, Meg, is the power of broadband. Think about it." Stan leans over and grabs Meg's shoulder. "There you are…traveling the information superhighway at fifty times the speed of dial-up. You're watching TV-quality streaming video, having a webcam conversation with your overseas penpal, and listening to the latest single by that group what's-their-name…all at the same time. And you can watch all the por-…I mean, portable…cell phone sites all day and all night."
"Wow," says Meg dreamily.
"And it comes with a FREE PHONE!"
"Like this one?" asks Chris. He looks at it and says, "Wow, it looks like a Klondike bar!" He attempts to chew on it.
"Don't chew the merchandise, kid," shouts Stan, "or you'll have a cell phone tree coming out of your ears!"
Chris spits out the phone. "Oh, God! Now I'm gonna germinate! I'll grow a moustache and turn into a Nazi!" (He thinks he said "German-ate".) He continues coughing and gagging.
"Just sign here," says Stan and gives Meg a contract.
"There you are!" says Lois. She and Peter walk up to the booth. We were looking all over for you!"
(Instant flashback) "Peter, can you see them?" She looks up as Peter hangs from the rafters by his arms.
"No, I don't…whoa!" Peter is now hanging onto the beam by one hand.
Suddenly, Tweety flies onto the rafter. One by one, he takes each of Peter's fingers off the beam.
"This widdle piddy went to mawket…this widdle piddy stayed home…this widdle piddy had woast beef…and this widdle piddy…"
"AAAAAAAUUUUGGGHHHH!!!!" shouts Peter. A crash soon follows.
"Well, whaddya know. Ran out of piddies," says Tweety.
CHOMP! Sylvester eats Tweety in one bite and continues walking along the beam.
(Flashback ends) "Mom, I have great news," says Meg excitedly. "I've signed us all up for broadband!"
"Broadband!" exclaims Lois. "Isn't that a little expensive?"
"Don't worry, ma'am," says Stan. "It's only $19.99 a month." Stan then starts a coughing fit. As that happens, he coughs out the words, "for first two months".
"Yeah, I was in a broad band once," says Peter.
(Instant flashback) Peter's a fat teenager at a fat camp. He's in a marching band surrounded by other fat kids. He's in uniform and is holding a triangle. The band stops playing, indicating that Peter's supposed to hit the triangle…but Peter's asleep! A kid knocks him awake. Peter bangs the stick against the triangle madly as he yells, "AUGH!!! Come and get it!!!! Sooooowweeeeeee!!!! Here, pig pig pig pig pig!!!!"
(Flashback ends)
"No, Dad," says Meg, "I mean we're gonna replace our old Internet
connection with a high-speed broadband connection!"
"What?!" exclaims Peter. "But I love
our old Internet connection! I love the
slow speed and hours of downloading time!
I love how whenever you log on it sounds like a Bugs Bunny cartoon!"
"But it's fast!" says Meg.
"It sounds efficient," says Lois.
"And it comes with a FREE PHONE!" adds Stan.
"A free phone, hmm?" says Peter with interest. "Wow, a free phone. There's nothing cooler than a free phone…unless it's a free TV…or free beer…or free beer AND a free TV."
"Peter," whispers Lois into his ear. "I think it would be nice if we gave Meg that free phone. She has been wanting one for a while."
"Aw, but Lois, I've always wanted to get the hang of using a cell phone."
(Instant flashback) Peter's on a city bus when suddenly his cell phone vibrates. Peter begins whooping and laughing and doing this weird dance until the phone falls out of his pocket.
"Oh, thank god. I thought this was a sex toy," he told the guy next to him.
"This is my stop," says the guy.
Peter flips open the phone. "Heheheheh. This is like the phaser Picard uses on the Enterprise. Pshoo-pshoo!" He imitates Picard using a phaser.
Peter accidentally presses a button on speed-dial. He holds the phone up to his ear in curiosity.
"We're sorry. The number you have dialed is no longer in service. Please check the number and dial again."
Peter throws down the phone and crushes it over and over again with his foot.
"Stupid Borg. Resistance ISN'T futile! Ha ha ha!!!" He suddenly sees all the bus passengers looking at him and sits down. "Ha," he says quietly to the remains.
(Flashback ends) "C'mon, Peter, it'll make Meg happy," begs Lois.
"Oh, alright," admits Peter. "Meg, you can have this broadband installed."
"Oh, thank you, Daddy. I love you," Meg says throwing her arms around Dad.
"Is this installation free?" asks Lois.
"Oh, absolutely," says Stan. "Someone will be over at your house later today to install it." He begins another coughing fit and coughs, "Expect a large tip."
"OK, Chris, Lois, Meg," counts Peter. "Hey, where's Stewie?"
"Well, little boy," says another flea marketer nearby. "The smallest flamethrower I got is this perfume-lighter combo. Perfect for in-school suspension raids and subway cars."
"No, no, no," complains Stewie. "That just isn't what I'm going for. I was thinking of something like…that one."
"The Super Pyro 6000?" A giant flamethrower that looks like a cross between a leaf blower, a super soaker, and a Volkswagon sits up on a shelf, which takes up most of the space on that part of the wall. "You could torch a cow with that in five seconds!"
"Excellent. So, do we have a dea-…Hey!"
"C'mon, Stewie," says Lois, picking up her son in her arms. "It's time to go."
"Let me go, you foul wench. I demand to receive what is rightfully mine!" Stewie glares at the flamethrower salesman. "Mark my words, sir. I shall return." He narrows his eyes and the evil music crescendos.
"Hey, Brian, c'mon!" yells Peter. "We're leaving!"
"Could you hang on, Peter?" shouts Brian. "I'm a little…busy right now."
"Doing what?" yells Peter.
"…Realizing that these inflatable, uh, things don't stay very, um, inflatable for long!"
"Well, hurry up, will you?" Peter sighs. "Sheesh, I'll be glad to get out of this flea market. I mean, who was the lamebrain who thought up of the name 'flea market' anyway?"
(Instant flashback) "Wow," says an old man in an old, 1800s town who just happens to be the lamebrain in question…and who bears an uncanny resemblance to Peter Griffin! "This was a brilliant idea! All the townsfolk have come together for a great big sale of items. I should call this a 'sale market'! No, that sounds too obvious. How about, a 'get-together market'? No, too provocative."
"Hey, Grandpa," says the man's grandson. "Where can I put your huge collection of rare and exotic fleas that you plan on selling to some brainless fool?" We see jars and jars filled with the bugs in the boy's wagon.
"Here, give me that wagon. I'll show you where to put it." The man wheels the wagon over a rock, causing the whole thing to tip over. The glass jars break and the fleas swarm out in a giant wave! The screaming people and the sales booths are covered with fleas!
Nearby, a covered wagon carrying the 'Little House on the Prairie' TV show family ambles by as the theme song plays…that is, until they're all hit by a wave of fleas!!!! Even the horses!!!! The three girls run the down the grassy hill (just like on the show), but they're screaming in horror as a tidal wave of fleas washes over them!!!
"Aha!" proclaims Peter's relative. "I'll call this a 'flea market'!"
Stan enters the scene. "And it comes with a FREE PHONE!"
(Cut to commercial.)