(Back to the show)
The doorbell rings at the Griffin house. Since the whole family is home by now, someone goes to answer the door. That someone is Peter.
Peter opens the door and an Indian man in overalls stands there with a toolbox.
"Well, it's about time you got here!" says Peter. "We expected you ten seconds ago! Now, c'mon, the computer's over here."
He drags the man over to the computer. Meg is already there.
Peter says, "Okay, now go ahead and install the broadband so that I can go surfing or driving or whatever it is you're supposed to do down the information freeway thing."
"Internet, Dad," says Meg.
"I know what it's called!" argues Peter. "I'm not THAT behind in the times." He looks at the computer screen. "Hey, what kind of crappy screensaver is this?"
"The computer's turned off, Dad," says Meg.
"I knew that," says Peter. He turns to the Indian man. "Well? What are you just standing there for? Get to work! I swear you minorities practically have to be tortured to do anything!"
"I am sorry," says the man in an Indian accent, "but I must take offense of that."
"Yeah, yeah, yeah, try doing that after you're done on the computer," says Peter. "We're paying you by the hour."
"Dad, the installation's free," says Meg.
"OK, we're paying you by the hour, but we're NOT gonna give you any money."
"Excuse me," says a new voice. A man walks in the room wearing a blue outfit with Quahog Cellular on it and is carrying a toolbox. "Is that the computer that needs the upgraded connection?"
"What the-…who the hell are you?!" demands Peter. "And how did you get into my house?"
"I let him in," says Lois, entering the room. "This is the man who's going to install the broadband connection."
"Oh. Well…then, who the hell are you?!" Peter says to the Indian man.
"My name is Abu Hakim, and I am asking for directions on where Lowes is so I can return my tools." He holds up the toolbox.
"Oh. She's right there," says Peter, who points to his wife.
"Not 'Lois', Peter," says Lois. "Lowes, the hardware store." She turns to Abu. "Come outside, Abu, I'll give you directions."
"Oh, bless you, woman," says Abu. "May the summer monsoons never harm this blessed establishment!"
He leaves with Lois, passing Chris in the hall.
"Wow! A real hare-krishna!" says Chris. He walks over to Abu. "Hey, why aren't you singing at the airport with your tambourine?"
"Chris, go pick up your room," says Lois.
"OK, Mom," says Chris. "I just hope it isn't too heavy."
Later that day, the entire Griffin family gathers around the computer.
"OK, family," says Peter. "Prepare yourselves for the future of Internet travel!"
"Actually," says Brian, "broadband has been around for a while now. See, back in '98, the…"
"Sssh," says Peter, "it's starting!"
Everyone stares at the blank screen, the suspense building, until the display suddenly shows the main window of the Griffith family, shortly followed by all the little icons appearing.
"Hey! What gives?" shouts Peter. "Where's the Internet? I knew this whole thing was a big crotch."
"You mean 'crock'," says Brian.
"Huh? Oh, yeah, that too."
"You need to click on the icon first, dear," says Lois.
"Yeah, but which one?" asks Peter. "There's the computer and the recycling bin and…hey, how come the little clock in the corner is four minutes behind?"
"Dad, you need to click on the 'Q' icon over there," says Meg.
Peter does so and suddenly, 'bing!' The Quahog Cellular website pops up!
"Wow!!" shouts Peter. "That was, oh! That was, like, I dunno, wow, that, gee, that just, did you see? It just popped up, like, wow, like it was, I dunno, magic or something!"
The picture fades and we see Peter sitting in the front row of a giant empty concert hall. On the stage is magician David Copperfield. As circus music plays, we see David hold up a sheet in front of a giant computer screen with no glass screen. Peter looks on in wonder as David wiggles his fingers, pulls back the sheet, and instantly, Yahoo.com appears! Peter claps as David covers the screen again, wiggles his fingers, and pulls back the sheet. Now, Fox.com appears! Peter claps again, only louder this time. David pulls the sheet over again, wiggles his fingers, and pulls back the sheet a third time. Now, a lion is standing there! Peter claps once more. Then, since the screen has no glass, the lion leaps out and attacks David. Peter laughs as he gives the currently mauled David a standing ovation.
Back at the house, the Griffins all gather around the computer as Peter continues to use it. As the day wears on, each family member becomes bored and walks off. Pretty soon, it's night, and Peter's still at the computer.
"Peter, aren't you coming to bed?" asks his wife in the bedroom.
"Aw, but Lois," whines Peter. "There are so many things I haven't done yet on this broadband thing…like, buying that new oven-grab thing for the oven tray when it gets too hot."
We now see Peter trying to pull out the oven tray with the old oven grabber. Peter burns his hand because it has lots of holes. Peter turns to the nearby counter and says, "Which one of you guys would like to help me out?"
The Hamburger Helper glove and the Arby's oven mitt glance at each other. Each points a thumb at the other.
Lois continues, "Peter, you've been on the computer ever since the broadband connection was installed! Tomorrow, you should let some of us use it, okay?"
"Oh, alright," says Peter. He looks at the screen for a moment and says, "So, does this mean I can stay up all night using this?"
"No."
"Oh," says Peter. He sighs. "Lemme just finish buying this kidney on Ebay first."
Several days later, it's daytime. Big whoop. Lois walks into the kitchen and sees Meg hang up her cell phone. "Meg, how you do you like your new cell phone?"
Meg sighs. She holds up the phone to her mother. It's a black, oblong cube with a tiny antennae coming off the top of it. Meg opens the phone. A simple, large-button number pad sits on the bottom half while a small, 8-digit display, like a calculator sits on the top half.
"This phone sucks," says Meg. "It doesn't play any games or mp3s, it can't go online, and it doesn't have a camera either! It looks like it was made in 1985!"
"Well, does it work?" asks Lois.
"Yeah," gripes Meg. "But, unless you enjoy hearing the sound of static, you have to position yourself in the just the right way in order to hear anything."
"Well, that doesn't sound so bad."
"Mom, when Dad saw me using the phone, he thought I was doing a yoga position!"
Chris walks in and says, "Mmm, yogurt!" He heads to the fridge.
"Well, Meg, now you realize that just because something is free doesn't mean it's good," says Lois.
"I know," says Meg, as she puts the phone down on the kitchen table. "I just wish I could've read the fine print on that contract."
Stewie, meanwhile, has been sitting in a high chair in the kitchen this whole time. He has been thinking of ways to go back to that flea market and acquire one of those flamethrowers.
His eyes suddenly land on the phone on the table, which is standing up, just like the monolith in "2001: A Space Odyssey." In fact, the first three notes of the movie's theme begin playing as zoom-ins of Stewie and the phone alternate.
"Duhhhhh……duhhhhh……duhhhhh……"
Then…
"DAAAAHHH-DAAAAAAHHH!!!!"
"AUGH!" shouts Stewie, as he covers his ears. "Damn you mysterious music! One day, I shall find where you're hiding, and when I do, it will be curtains for you!"
The next day, Brian walks up to Peter using the Internet. Peter is wearing a microphone headset.
"Hey, Brian, get this," says Peter. "I downloaded an instant messenger, and I'm about to have a web video chat with Quagmire."
"How do you plan to pull that off without a webcam?" asks Brian.
"Oh, I've got one of those, see?" Peter points to a round, little webcam atop the monitor.
"Where did you get that?" asks Brian.
"They were giving a demonstration downtown, and so, uh, I got one."
(Instant flashback) Peter walks into Best Buy and sees a webcam display.
"Hey, can I get one of those?" asks Peter.
"No," says the man behind the desk.
"Please? Don't worry, I got broadband."
"No."
Peter walks off and comes back wearing a golf outfit and carrying a four iron. He stands up on the desk and positions his club in front of a golfball-like webcam.
"Fore!" Peter shouts. He swings and the webcam goes flying through a large glass window up front with a crash.
"Don't worry, I got Windows too."
(Flashback ends) "OK, check this out." Peter clicks the mouse and a video of Quagmire in front of his computer appears."
"Hey, Quagmire!" shouts Peter.
At his house, Quagmire bolts upright in his chair.
Peter continues. "How's my neighbor doing today? Or should it be 'who'?"
A window on Quagmire's computer shows Peter talking to him. Behind him, the wallpaper shows a nude woman posed diagonally across the screen, but Peter's window covers the woman from her upper thighs to her cleavage.
"Heyyyy, Peter!" says Quagmire quickly. "What are you doing on Linda?"
"Huh? I'm doing, I mean, I'm using broadband! Isn't it cool? Hey, hey, lemme try something."
Within moments, Cleveland and Joe's windows pop up! (If this were on TV, you would be seeing the screen divided up into four sections, one for each man, like the Brady Bunch, only funnier.)
"Hey, guys!" says Peter.
"Hey, Peter," says Joe and Cleveland.
"I got broadband! Ain't it great?" says Peter.
"Really?" asks Joe. "Cable or DSL?"
"No, on the computer, not the TV."
Cleveland asks, "What kind of broadband is it? Cable or DSL?"
"Well, uh, gee, I don't really know. It's fast, let me tell you that."
"I'll say!" says Quagmire. "It only takes a minute or two to download enough porn to last you through the weekend! Oh yeah!"
"You get to hear live police signals from cops in Albania!" says Joe.
"And my wife can download recipes in a jiffy," says Cleveland.
"Yeah, it sure…hey," says Peter, "How did you guys get broadband all of a sudden?"
"We all got a 30-day trial run from Quahog Cellular a week ago," says Joe. "I works pretty well doesn't it, Peter?"
"I'll say. There's nothing that could possibly get me to leave this computer."
"Same here, yeah, absolutely," says Joe, Quagmire, and Cleveland, respectively.
"Yeah," continues Peter. "We could practically spend the rest of our lives seated in front of this machine, with no one else to talk to but the four of us. This Internet could practically become our new home. It kinda takes over your mind after a while, doesn't it? You just forget about food and water and sex, and you end up cruising down the information superhighway for all eternity." The eyes of Quagmire, Joe, and Cleveland suddenly widen. Peter continues, "You know, this kinda reminds me of a story about…"
"Uh, I think I hear someone at the door. I gotta go," says Quagmire.
"Yeah, me too," says Joe.
"Ditto," says Cleveland. They all log off.
"Aw, c'mon," says Peter. He turns to Brian. "Have I really been on for that long?"
Brian is wearing a fake beard and is holding up and earhorn. "Eh? Whatcha say, Peter?"
A few days later, the Internet bill arrives.
"Peter, the Internet bill is here," says Lois.
"Just a second, Lois. I'm playing Sonic Theft Auto Online." The screen shows a blue hedgehog-ish character getting out of a hijacked car in Libertyopolis, acquiring a gold ring, and suddenly rolling through a police car and several pedestrians in a blue blur.
"Peter, we've had this broadband for almost a week now," says Lois. "Aren't you the least bit curious about how much this is costing us?"
"Aw man," groans Peter. An orange fox with three tails flew in from out of nowhere and blasted Peter's character with a bazooka. The word "Wasted" appears on the screen. "Okay, Lois, lemme see."
As Peter gets up and follows Lois to the kitchen, Stewie hops in front of the computer and shouts, "Okay, world, prepare to eat my pixilated projectiles!!!"
An envelope is lying on the kitchen table. As Peter opens it he says, "Boy, this broadband sure has been phenomenal, hasn't it? The power, the speed, the performance! It's like driving a hot rod and you're not moving!" Peter looks at the bill. "And it only costs us…$349??!!!"
"What?" cries Lois. "I don't understand! It shouldn't be that high!"
Meg walks in and says, "What's going on?"
"I'll tell you what's going on," says Peter angrily. "We're going back to that flea market, and return this broadband thing to that bastard at the same place right now!"
"We are? Great!" says Meg. "Can we return my phone too?"
"Of course! The more money back, the merrier," says Peter.
"Dad, the phone was free," says Meg.
"Aw crap," says Peter.
"Ooo! Ooo!" announces Stewie, coming into the kitchen. "I demand to come too!"
"Well, of course, dear," says Lois.
"Excellent," says Stewie. He walks out of the room. "Finally, I have another opportunity to get my motor-skill developed hands on that precious thrower of flame. And this time no one will stop me. Not even you." He looks at you, the reader.
"Who are you talking to?" asks Brian from behind.
"Augh! Don't do that!" shouts Stewie. "I swear, when I get that Pyro 6000, you'll be the first to go."
"That's why I'm not going," says Brian. He walks off.
"Oh. Well…your loss!" shouts Stewie before he walks off too.
(Cut to commercial)