(Back to the show)
At the flea market, Peter, Lois, Chris, Meg, and Stewie head towards the Quahog Cellular booth.
Nearby, at another booth, a man is angrily shouting to another man. "Maybe you didn't hear me the first time, Bill. We are supposed to be selling refrigerator magnets!"
"Hey, calm down, Mike," says Bill. He picks up a box filled with little black squares. "We have the magnets."
Mike says angrily, "They are supposed to be attached to ice cube-sized refrigerators! And if that isn't enough, you messed up the entire shipment!" Mike points behind him. Instead of ice cube-sized refrigerators, Mike and Bill are stuck selling refrigerator-sized ice cubes!
"Well…" says Bill. "We could change our sign to 'Igloo parts'. How about that?"
Mike whacks Bill upside the head.
At about this time, the Griffins approach the cellular phone booth. They are surprised to find their neighbors already there! Joe in his wheelchair, Cleveland, and Quagmire are busy arguing with Stan.
"Now, guys! Guys, just calm down," says Stan desperately.
"Calm down?!" shouts Joe.
"How can you expect us to pay this huge fee?" demands Cleveland.
"Yeah!" agrees Quagmire. "Your service made my computer crash and all my porn got deleted!"
"And what about my daughter's cell phone?" barges in Peter. "You call this fossilized dino dung a form of communication? More like a form of outdated…uh…outdated-ness to me!" Peter's friends agree.
"Kids," says Lois, "why don't you head over to that booth over there while your father and I work things out, okay?"
"Sure, Mom," says Chris and Meg. They take Stewie to a booth that's selling books.
Stewie does a double take and smiles evilly as he sees the beloved flamethrower booth right next to the book booth. "Excellent. Now all I need is to distract those two simpletons." Stewie points to a bookrack and says to his older siblings, "Look! It's Harry Potter and a book on used gum!"
"Where?!" says Meg and Chris. They run over to the bookcase as Stewie sneaks over to the Super Pyro 6000.
Back at the Quahog Cellular booth, Stan throws up his hands in protest. "People, please! The payment you received is the one you have to pay for the trial-run!"
More protesting erupts until Lois says, "What do you mean, 'trial-run'?"
"Well," says Stan. "Quahog Cellular is only a local service for both cell phone and Internet use. We are not nationally certified to provide service outside the state of Rhode Island. Plus, this company came to light only two months ago. The contracts you all signed were for a trial version of the services that we provide. After the first month, the net totals are calculated and are compared to other services that…"
"Oh, screw all that!" interrupts Peter. "You just want our money!"
"Yeah!" says Quagmire, Joe, and Cleveland.
"Hey, you signed the contract and…" began Stan.
"Now, wait just a minute!" says Lois. She sticks a finger in Stan's bony chest. "One, my daughter Meg is the one who signed that contract and she wasn't aware of all the 'fine print' that you obviously forgot to point out. And two, we are all here to cancel our Internet and cell phone subscriptions immediately! We don't need to pay anything for your Communist bull crap. We...-!!"
"Sheesh, calm down, Lois," says Peter. "Remember last Christmas."
"Peter, if you had just put the paper towels where they were supposed to go, I might not have gone all crazy."
"Let me handle it now, okay?" asks Peter. Not waiting for a response, Peter shoves his wife aside and stares at Stan with pleading eyes. "Sir, I beseech you. What kind of example are you setting for our children? Sure, Meg was dumb enough not to read the fine print, but she's dumb at a lot of things." (Meanwhile, at the book booth, Meg is teaching the old woman running the book booth how to alphabetize her entire inventory and set up a spreadsheet on weekly incomes on her computer.)
"And sure, Chris isn't very bright either, but one day, his accomplishments will be adored by millions." (Meanwhile, at the book booth, Chris is tearing pictures out of a cookbook and is eating them.)
"And what about our baby, Stewie, who loves all of us from the bottom of his pwecious wittle heart?" (Meanwhile, at the book…I mean, flamethrower booth, the booth owner is in the bathroom, and Stewie is pouring gasoline into the flamethrower, which is pointed straight at Lois.)
"Sir," says Stan, sickly. "Your cutesy-talk won't work on me."
"Well, then," says Peter, cracking his knuckles. "Looks like I'll have to get tough."
With a snap of his fingers, Stan summons a 7'10" giant of a man who's one of the flea market security guards.
"Uh, did I say tough?" stammers Peter. "I meant, rough…I mean, buff…I mean, nuff!"
"Peter," says Cleveland. "Nuff isn't a word."
"Well, sure it is!" says Quagmire. "How about 'once is never a nuff?' Awright!"
"Look!" says Stan with finality. "You all have to pay the amount you received and that's final!"
It was the sentence Joe was waiting for. To everyone's surprise, he leaned forward and used his right arm to push himself out of his wheelchair. Joe brought out his left arm and flashed his police badge in Stan's face.
"Sir," says Joe. "As an officer of the law, I should remind you that City Ordinance 421.75.324 clearly states that any person or persons who charges a consumer an unlawful amount of money without beforehand mentioning all the conditions that apply, including fine print and IRS audits, are subject to immediate imprisonment and a fine of $500."
Stan looks stunned.
But Joe isn't through yet. "I should also mention that allowing a minor to sign a contract is a federal offense that could lead to a much larger fine than the one I just mentioned."
Stan begins sweating. He clears his throat. "Look, uh, tell you what. How about I take all of your contracts, throw them all away, and forget this whole thing happened. Wouldja like that?"
So Stan took the contracts and put them through one of the shredders that were being sold in the adjacent booth.
If you think now is the time I say "and they all lived happily ever after", guess again. At that moment, back at Bill and Mike's booth, disaster struck. In his angry state, Mike had called a delivery truck to take away the huge blocks of ice. (He was using a cell phone that looked a lot like Meg's, which only made the guy angrier.) As the last block of ice was being hauled aboard, the ropes snapped. Now, a fridge-sized block of ice was zooming down the flea market aisle.
"Look out!" says Peter. Everyone gasps as the block of ice heads straight for Lois!
At this moment, Stewie lets out a war cry. "AAA-hahahahahahaha…whoa!"
Stewie has finally found the Super Pyro 6000's trigger, aims the weapon at his mother, and pulls the trigger. That's what the "AAA-hahahahahahaha" was for. Unfortunately, the incredible weight of the flamethrower is too much for Stewie to handle. The "whoa!" is Stewie losing his balance. The flamethrower's flame is no longer aimed at Lois. Instead, the flames fire directly at the moving block of ice.
Needless to say, the immense heat of the flame melts the ice so quickly that by the time it reaches Lois, it's the size of a regular ice cube. The ice softly makes contact with Lois's shoe with a 'ding' sound.
"My god!" says Peter. "Lois, you were almost flattened!"
"Ahem," says an old man with a moustache. He's the owner of the flamethrower booth. He holds up a squirming Stewie by the back of his red suspenders. "This your kid?"
"Stewie!" says Lois. She takes the child and hugs him. "You saved your mommy's life!"
"What?! NO! I…you were…lemme go…I…BLAST!!!!"
"Okay," said Stan, trying to become the center of attention again. "Folks, just to show you how nice a guy I am, could I interest any of you in our cheaper dial-up services? It's affordable…and it comes with a FREE PHONE!"
Everyone's silent. Then Lois says sweetly, "Oh, that reminds me. I almost forgot to return Meg's phone to you."
"Oh?" says Stan. "Well, let me have it!"
"Alright."
POW! Lois shoves the phone into Stan's mouth so hard he falls over backwards.
All the men applaud…even the big security guard guy.
"Okay, everyone," announces Peter. "Let's all go home and switch to AT&T!"
"Yeah!" answers everyone.
Chris sees Stan on the floor with the phone in his mouth. "Ha! I knew it was a Klondike bar!"
The Griffins are all back home now. They're watching "I Love Lucy" on TV.
"Hey, Rick," says Fred Mertz to Ricky. "I'm here to collect this month's rent. I plan to give Ethel a new girdle."
"Well, how much is it?" asks Ricky.
"About as big as the state will allow."
"I mean the rent money."
"Oh!" The audience laughs. "About $300."
"$300?! Aye-yi-yi-yi-yi!" complains Ricky. "Well, it looks like I'll have to sic my big attack shark on you!"
"What?" asks Fred.
"Oh, Sharkie!" calls out Ricky.
A huge shark leaps out of nowhere and bites Fred in the arm. "AAAAAAA!!!!"
Lucy leans into the scene and goes, "Eeeww." The audience laughs.
Peter sighs to himself. "Ahh, it's great to have things back to normal. We still have dial-up, we still get junk mail, and we can get back to using our home phone without all those annoying inconveniences."
Just then, the phone rings. Peter answers it.
"Hello?…um, yes I can hear you now." He hangs up.
A second later it rings again. Peter answers it.
"Hello?…I just told you! I do hear you now!" He slams the phone back down.
The phone rings a third time. Peter picks it up and shouts, "Look, you bastard, stop calling here…and, yes, I DO HEAR YOU NOW!" He slams the phone again.
The phone rings again. Peter picks it up and says, "OK, punk, let me ask you a question…where are you now?"
The Verizon guy tells Peter where he is. "Can you hear me now?"
For once, there's no answer!
"…Can you hear me now?"
Still no answer.
"Can you…"
POW! Peter comes up and punches the Verizon guy in the face. The man falls to the ground.
Peter stares down at the guy. "Can you hear ME now?"
The Verizon guy, now with broken glasses, a busted phone, and a black eye, nods his head.
Triumphantly, Peter crosses his arms. "Good."
[Cue end credits]
Family Guy…coming back to Fox (hopefully) Jan. 2005. Our prayers have been answered.